29 – Fingerpaint
in which lawyers brawl, the foundation of your home is shaken, the Darkest Universe Festival is recapped, plans are made for the Festival of Doom, you have new options for avoiding gluten, Corin Deeth I sends a warning, we hear from the Division of Panacea, the women in the cute lesbian couple have names, odd markings are found all over the building, and Rini Steen “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear is bright and shiny and filled with rainbows. Nah, I’m just fucking with you.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholders’ announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Let’s dive right in, shall we? The legal battles with Melantha over her ownership of stock in this company have increased. Today, I found 16 lawyers fighting to the death outside of the building. I didn’t wait around to see who won, but it likely won’t have any affect on the legal proceedings anyway. I think they were just mad at each other or something. I have basically stopped signing all documents because the number of spies and agents of Melantha’s that I’ve been finding in the building is actually kind of impressive. We don’t do many checks on the way in for weaponry or other damaging objects because there’s just so many inside already, but we do have excellent sensors that can examine the will and mindset of every human entering the building for any particular ill will against us. These spies are apparently capable of hiding their true intentions until they are feet away from me. The amount of control they have is incredible, and truly enviable. I am wondering if perhaps they do not even know they are spies until they are triggered remotely somehow. At any rate, I am assuming that the increasing number of these people infiltrating the building indicates that Melantha is in some sort of trouble due to owning a piece of Kakos Industries. The nature of that trouble, I do not know.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the vibrations of your entire house. Something we’re doing is shaking your entire house, recreating the sound of my voice. If you happen to live in something other than a house, or maybe you’re just in something else right now, we’re shaking the shit out of that, too. It’s been too long since you’ve had the chance to really feel my voice, so our Division of Improbable Earthquakes got busy. How we’re doing this exactly is none of your concern. It’s really cool, but it’s still not something you need to know. If you knew, that would make it harder for us to bring you the awesome surprise we have ready for you later. You’re not going to want to miss this surprise, so be sure to stop thinking about the earthquakes right now. Just listen.
We had to pull the plug on the Darkest Universe Festival, shareholders. Things were going off the rails. All of our tests were coming up with anomalous readings. Two of our researchers were turned to stone in the Mind Amplification room, without anyone thinking anything. I think there might be something wrong with the room, or with the calibration, or something. Anyway, we weren’t able to retrieve Vincent’s body, or theirs. We’ve just boarded up the room for now. Another boarded up room in Kakos Industries. The measurements of Evil were all over the charts. Our boxes of potential test kittens were both destroyed and not simultaneously. Had we gone through with the festival, no one knows what would have happened. It could have been the darkest yet, or it could have brought into creation something unimaginable, at odds with both light and dark, but not somewhere in between. Somewhere else entirely. Of course, the Darkest Universe festival has to occur, but our conviction is not something that can be regulated. So many of you joined us for what amounted to a Kakos Industries mixer. We came dressed to do Evil, and lots of it, but instead we just kind of got to know each other. I believe that connections were made that day that will lead to a lot of interesting new Evil. I’m sorry if you missed it. It was pretty incredible. It was one of those once in a lifetime kind of bonding experiences.
Last year at this time, we had the Agriculture Festival. We’re contractually obligated to have it again, so that’s going to happen. But the new rulebook says that we have another festival also. It is called the Festival of Doom. The description only says “needs no explanation.” I beg to differ, wise, ancient progenitors of Kakos Industries. I beg to differ. We’re having the Festival of Doom, but not one of us knows what the fuck it is. Are we to assume that, because it needs no explanation, it is to be taken literally? Or is it an obvious joke? Are we doomed? Are we dooming someone? Are we dooming a lot of people? These are questions that need answering. Obviously, these people are no longer alive to judge our execution of the event, and they are not watching over us from some higher plane, but I feel like throwing an oil sex party might not be in the spirit of things, and Grace might get a little upset. Doom. It’s not the end of days. I mean, how embarrassing would that be, if they predicted an end of days. No one ever gets it right, because days are not ending. Not until our sun expands, and we will have probably colonized other planets or killed ourselves by that time. In other news, we’re looking forward to another good match up at the Agriculture Festival. Galacton Imports tells me that they have something very exciting in store.
It seems that everyone today is concerned with gluten. Due to our efforts, gluten has found its way into nearly everything out there. Our Culinary Division is excellent at predicting what people will irrationally fear in the future. At any rate, now that we’ve put gluten into everything you eat, and you have had to, in response, stop eating everything, it’s time to focus on what really matters. Kakos Industries has now developed gluten air filters. These gluten air filters tell gluten to get out of the air. You’re trying to breathe over here. Never again will you have to worry about accidentally ingesting the gluten that literally surrounds us at all times.
Shareholders, I have good news. I have just received a letter from my grandfather, the previous Kakos Industries CEO. I’ll read it aloud. “Corin, I have written to you today to warn you about something sinister that has found its way into your life. It is something that I am unable to see clearly, even using the Future Predict-O-Vision unit. It’s small, and it has a dark aura. Grace Rule seems to be very concerned with whatever this thing is. She’s studying it, or nurturing it. I can’t see, Corin. I wish I could give you more information. It’s just unsettling not knowing. Also, I beat my high score on number of times I can reach completion in a day. I had some help, I will admit. They want me to say special thanks to Tiffany and Roberta for this achievement. Sincerely Corin Deeth I” Alright, what the fuck, grampa. Anyway, I’m not sure why he’s having trouble seeing whatever it is that Grace is spending her time with. Two things pop out at me. There’s the new rule book, and then there’s also her origami hobby. Hmmm…
I have a special treat for you today shareholders. We have recently started a new division, the Division of Panacea. This division has slightly different goals than most of our divisions, so, to explain the nuance, I am joined by its new director, Gladys Mathis.
Corin: Welcome to the broadcast.
Gladys: Thank you ever so much for having me, Corin. It is wonderful to finally feature in your announcements. I’m a big fan.
Corin: That great to hear, Gladys. So, the Division of Panacea actually is quite a bit different from most of our other divisions. Why is that?
Gladys: What an excellent question, Corin! I am so glad you asked. You see, most of us at Kakos Industries are actively working to make people unwell.
Corin: That’s true. We market and improve tons of placebos, snake oils, and other staples of advanced charlatanism. We also just make people sick sometimes.
Gladys: Right, Corin. I myself used to work on a number of those projects.
Corin: So what’s the difference, then?
Gladys: You see, Corin, we work on making people healthier, and helping them to live longer lives.
Corin: That doesn’t sound like us.
Gladys: No, it certainly does not, Corin. But what we’ve found through years of research and trial and error, is that when people die, they are no longer suffering. We’ve got the brain scans to prove it. When you die, the brain stops feeling everything. Take this brain scan for example, Corin. There’s nothing going on at all. This person is almost certainly dead, and no longer feeling agony.
Corin: And with how many people die every day, that seems like a lot of wasted opportunity.
Gladys: Exactly, Corin. We’re fond of saying “Life is pain.” Studies show that most of the pain we experience is actually in our heads. It doesn’t come from physical ailments. Removing the physical ailments frees us up to be the the miserable sacks of shit that we’re meant to be.
Corin: But what about the people who ordinarily would have felt so much pain watching a loved one wither and die?
Gladys: We’re working on that, Corin. One significant side effect of healing the sick is that we do remove much of the world’s grieving. Right now, we’re solving the problem in our tests with targeted attacks on either the testicles or the ovaries. If an individual has neither, we have to get a tad bit more creative. At the moment, we only have the technology to attach testicles to subjects, so we have run into some awkward situations.
Corin: Well, that would certainly bring the level of suffering up. But it seems kind of complicated and expensive to continuously sack-tap the would-be grievers.
Gladys: It is only one method we’re looking into. We’ve also considered setting them on fire, or giving them life threatening illnesses, which we admit is somewhat counterproductive.
Corin: Well, I have faith. You’ll figure something out. Thanks for joining us.
Gladys: Thank you for having me.
I think I saw the adorable Lesbian Couple in the Division of Dams and Water Management share a quick kiss at lunch the other day. In addition, I learned that their names are Kimmy and Maggy. That is just… perfect. We offered to let them switch bodies for a day, but they declined. Who knows why. Opportunities like that do not come around very often.
There have been some odd appearances inside of Kakos Industries recently. First it was just on the walls and floors, then it moved to the idea boards and bathrooms. At first glance, it was just smudges of colors running up and down the halls. On closer examination, it is without a doubt finger paint. It would seem that Dark Mother Belladonnica has taken up a hobby in the arts. Of course, we cannot allow this to continue. It really ruins the image we try to put forth with our dark, ominous, and sometimes brutalist architecture. The problem is that no one knows how to handle this situation. How do you punish a child that taught you how to punish better? And how do you find that child? And more importantly, how do you ensnare that child in some sort of razor sharp net? Shareholders, there were finger paintings on the ceilings of parts of this building that not even our tallest ladders could reach. It is possible that this is something we will just have to deal with. For now.
I am told that the Big Black Hole is shallow again. I don’t… I don’t know, guys.
I am also told that the Kakos University president has raised his own salary. We didn’t give the University any more money, so… there’s that.
The Sexual Innovation Division has been having trouble teaching penises to carry on relationships. Apparently there’s just something there that is, well, mysterious. They have unfortunately decided it was a good idea to try to get into the mindset of the penis by dressing up as giant penises. Shareholders, I don’t think I have to tell you how horrible of an idea this is. Most of our staff are still traumatized by the last human-sized penis we had in the office, and the costumes are coming off as a bit insensitive. I have not been able to negotiate them out of the costumes because they say they are “getting really close”, but we have, at the least, gotten them to promise not to ejaculate on anything outside of their own office. Our eyes, and ears, and recording studios are safe for now.
They say that darkness is like, really dark, man. There’s a lot of it. How could you ever know all of it? It’s just so dark. Isn’t it by definition unknown? This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for mullets, El Caminos, and swimming in gold coins. Of course, we can’t know that we are responsible for all of these things, but why not? Does anyone else want them? I didn’t think so.
Rini Steen is the winner of this week’s ruin a life drawing. As a result, a target of Rini’s choosing will have his or her life ruined. Rini Steen has selected Polystyrene Jenkins as her nemesis. The Wheel of Misery spun round and round and arrived at Broken into Tiny Pieces. We’re assuming that the Wheel of Misery thought that Polystyrene Jenkins was in fact just a piece of styrofoam, but this is not the case, and Polystyrene Jenkins is an actual human being. Breaking Polystyrene into pieces will likely do much more than ruin her life, so we will have to be more careful not to kill her in the process. If we do our job correctly, Polystyrene Jenkins will be a sentient pile of parts at the end. Wish us luck. Correction, wish her luck. For good measure, Rini Steen will lose a piece. We haven’t decided which yet. Congratulations on the win.
And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. The quaking in your walls will be over soon, and will leave forever, but the orgasms you’ve had are yours to keep. Oh, and the surprise I promised? I just needed to distract you. Sorry. No, I’m not. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently trying to fax a sound. Special guest appearance in this episode by Rebecca Ryan. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered joining Starfleet?