in which Fourest is upgraded once again, the merging of the Matmos is slowed, and Nyssa Woods “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro:  What you are about to hear is totes goated.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries we help everyone everywhere, and even no one no where, to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. We have quite a bit to get through today, so let’s just get right into it. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a loose electrical connection that you just put your finger on. How we’re getting that sound into your brain is complicated to say the least. Electricity running through your finger rarely produces audible sound, at least not at levels of electricity that don’t immediately kill you. This is a special kind of electricity, and while your finger is on the hot wire, we have also surreptitiously connected the cold wire somewhere behind your ear, allowing the appropriate conductance to happen. I know it may seem like a bit of a stretch to call this a radio, but this radio does come to us as a collaboration between our Division of Auralism and Loose Wires R Us, a company that may be a fictitious holding of Kakos Industries. I mean, looking at the name, how would they make money off of loose wires? Do they fix loose wires? I’m pretty sure this is us in a trenchcoat. Anyway, the sound quality is supposed to be nice, although a bit tingly. I should mention that this set of announcements is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re not a shareholder, well, you’re not hearing these words anymore. That’s for sure. Your neighbors will likely report the smell of burning pork to the authorities shortly. 

We recently had the Festival of Darkness, which was different this year than most years. Usually, we like to put you into complete darkness and then allow you to quietly contemplate the meaning of darkness, of the void, of the abyss. Sometimes we imply that something spooky might be going on, but that serves only to enhance the experience with a hint of mortal terror for flavor. This time, we decided to go a completely different direction. All of you were standing in a room in complete darkness. Some of our concierges led you to your designated standing place in total darkness. And then the grinding noises began. What was grinding? Oh no, I couldn’t tell you that. But grinding it was. Some reported the sound to be reminiscent of a belt sander. Others heard sawblades slamming into bits of metal. Others yet heard gasoline engines without proper lubrication. The constant was that something was grinding, and it was complete darkness, and that grinding seemed to be moving all around you, closer, further, but definitely nearby. While meditative states may have been difficult to attain, we feel as though perhaps we brought you closer to the darkness all the same.  

We also had the Festival of Genes. As promised, we did have gene concoctions that allowed you to have thicker calves, a third eye (location nonspecific), and the ability to produce glitter from your pores. It’s been just long enough for some of those third eyes to start growing in. The location is not the same for everyone, but we are being told that the most common location apparently has been the perineum. This, we can all acknowledge, is not the most useful place for a third eye, but it can be helpful to keep tabs on what’s going on down there. I am told that the eyelashes on this eye have grown particularly long to keep sweat from being an issue. The thicker calves are looking nice, if not a bit too thick, and the glitter sweat is interesting to say the least. The fourth option we had available was called Chad or Sad. You either got genes that made you the manliest man, or ones that made you the wettest boy. You might be thinking, another attack on masculinity by Kakos Industries? To which I reply, it’s no worse than sports betting and day trading, with slightly more reliable results.

Coming up, we have the motherfucking Shareholders’ Ball! It will be amazing, life changing, unimaginable, and everything you need it to be, guaranteed. I’ll spare you the details because you will be in attendance, and I want some of it to be a surprise. We also have the Celebration of the Moon coming up. You know, the moon is pretty sick.

I have news about Kakophonia. Apparently, next weekend is Acoustic Noise night. Some of you may be familiar with the musical genre known as noise music and have probably seen people make it using a variety of electronic instruments and repurposed circuits. This is acoustic. I am told that there will be many people on stage making sounds with acoustic instruments and devices. There will be some improvised percussion materials. I have been told it requires a particularly refined palette to appreciate this kind of sound. 

The Middle Tabitha has been busy a lot recently, and as such, I haven’t seen her that often. I get the impression that she’s been doing some clandestine research. Family stuff, you know. It is still a mystery where her aunt – or sister? – the Tabitha twin got off to. While I am missing my friend, I understand that sometimes you have things you need to take care of privately. 

Shareholders, I know that many of you are curious about what’s going on with Fourest. Most of you are curious because everyone loves a trainwreck. The rest of you are curious because of a strange attraction you have towards toxic people that you don’t want to address in therapy. In either case, I do have some news. The New Year’s Pig did successfully eat all of Fourest’s limbs off of his body, and one ear as well. He was defending the creature while nearly bleeding out from the gore. The New Year’s Pig was captured and caged at what we assumed was his dying request. Well, he died once already. Can you die twice? Anyway, we thought that was surely it, but we were wrong. The board in their infinite wisdom holds Fourest in some sort of strangely high regard. So his bleeding was staunched, and he was outfitted with some cyborg limbs. I’m not as envious of them as I am of the monster arms I’ve seen, but the look is pretty serious. From what we can tell, Fourest is now around 50% robot by volume. By mass, it’s closer to 80% at least. He looks pretty damn Evil all told, which is helpful, because his behavior hasn’t changed much. You might recall that during the last broadcast he was bragging about some… well, I don’t know if Evil deeds is the right description.

(ringing)

I’m honestly surprised it took him this long. 

FOUREST: Hello, Corin. I hear that you are regaling your audience with my most recent transformation and of course my Evilest of deeds.

CORIN: Fourest, this has been explained to you. We know the deeds aren’t Evil. 

FOUREST: You shut your mouth, Corin. Green is not a flattering color for you. We all know you’re just mad that I’m so much better than you at Evil now.

CORIN: We’ve been over this. It’s the regulator in your brain. The thing that’s supposed to make you more Evil.

FOUREST: What ever on Earth are you talking about, Corin?

CORIN: The chip in your head. It’s overflowing. It was programmed to make you maximum Evil, but in the process, it clipped over the top and wrapped back around to the bottom again. It makes you less Evil. Significantly so.

FOUREST: I’ve heard them say these things to me, but they are clearly mistaken. I am as Evil as they come, Corin. I know it in my core.

CORIN: You’re partly right. You were so Evil that the device, when trying to add any Evil to you, clipped right around and made you less Evil by accident. We’ve tried recalibrating it several times. Even at the lowest setting, it still overflows and ends up back at the lowest value. 

FOUREST: Lies! Would a not Evil person make soup at his community soup kitchen, Corin? Would he feed hundreds of needy people? Would a not Evil person don a high visibility jacket and escort children across the street? It’s humorous to me that you don’t see what’s so painfully obvious. (robotic laugh)

CORIN: Your entire perspective on what’s Evil is totally busted right now. It has to do with storing the Evil data as MIDI, so it only has seven bits to work with. Go figure.

FOUREST: Don’t make me laugh, Corin. Would a non Evil person work tirelessly to replace the old piping in a shelter? Would a non Evil person read books to those who have trouble seeing? 

CORIN: Those are not Evil things, no. 

FOUREST: Moving the goalposts again, aren’t we?

CORIN: I would suggest that almost no one on Earth thinks of those things as Evil. 

FOUREST: Tell that to the seniors in the elder care facility I’ve been playing violin for. The looks on their faces: pure horror!

CORIN: Well, you are pretty scary, which is doing some heavy lifting. But the actions themselves, Fourest, not Evil. But it’s okay. The board seems to think that your appearance and your actions basically wash out. 

FOUREST: If my actions aren’t so Evil, then what actions are? Huh? I bet you don’t even know. (robotic laugh)

CORIN: I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this. At least not in front of the shareholders. Fourest, you have to kill the pig.

FOUREST: Captain Nibblesworth!? But he’s so Evil, Corin. It would be Evil to the Evil. 

CORIN: No, it would be Evil to a beloved pet. Fourest, if you’re as Evil as you claim, you should kill Captain Nibblesworth. 

FOUREST: No. Unequivocally no. I refuse. He’s my special boy. 

CORIN: He ate you. To Death. Again. 

FOUREST: He’s just misunderstood! It would be senseless violence.

CORIN: Senseless violence would go a long way toward proving to us that you’re still Evil. 

FOUREST: (sobbing) I can’t do it, Corin. I know something’s wrong. When I look at my actions and how I used to be, it just doesn’t add up. Who am I, Corin? Who am I? What do I do? How do I redeem myself? It’s just… I can’t tell anymore. I can’t tell wrong from right. They’re going to kick me out? Aren’t they? I won’t be able to stay at Kakos Industries. Not if I’m no longer the Evilest. 

CORIN: I think you’re getting a pass. For some reason. 

FOUREST: Don’t try to get my hopes up, Corin. I know it’s over. I’m a robotic monster and I can no longer do Evil. I’m banished, you’re just too weak to tell me. 

CORIN: Weak?

FOUREST: So long, then. Adios. I can tell when it’s over. No need to spell it out for me. I can’t fulfill my duties, my reason for existence. Farewell, Corin. And I know you know I actually mean that. 

CORIN: Wait, what are you… he’s gone. Does anyone have eyes on Fourest? There’s a report of a cyborg bashing through a wall on the fifteenth floor and jumping to the ground. He landed on robotic limbs and ran away. He took the pig with him.

Well, shareholders, I certainly didn’t expect that. I need you to know that I wasn’t actually going to make him kill the pig. He was right about it being Evil to the Evil. A peaceful euthenasia would be perfectly acceptable for such a creature. Right, well, we’ll keep looking for him, though his robotic limbs will likely outrun anyone on foot right now. 

It’s now time for today’s Q&A Segment. Today’s question is “Whose burrito is this?”. Obviously, it depends. There are a lot of burritos at Kakos Industries, and many of them belong to people. That burrito, though, I am told is the Time Burrito, which some employees and visitors report purchasing from a strange salesperson who appears on many different floors at different times. Some people believe there is only one time burrito and that it only ever changes hands forwards or backwards through time. I’m not sure I agree with that sentiment, but I can say with authority that that is your burrito. Eating it… well, I can’t live your life for you.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. I am told that the Satisficer now has gentle dom mode. I should see if we can dress it up like a Krampus. That might save me some time. If you’re not in the know, the Division of Erotic Experiences has indicated that gentle dom mode means that the device gives instructions that must be followed, but in a caring and gentle way. This version of the Satisficer has no physical implements to ensure compliance, so it’s on you to go with what it says, but what it says is pretty much what you were after anyway, wasn’t it? I am told that it also can do stuff with nipples now. Hooray. In addition, a full-size ho-hunk-ulus machine has been constructed. It is not yet functional, but it is terrifying. I know its very existence has excited a subsection of the population that would like to get swallowed all up.

Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp, has found a large enough crystal to view the images more clearly. Many of you will remember from last time that I mentioned that she and the laborers discovered some new crystal deposits that exhibited weird qualities, just like the glowing stones. Well, they don’t get you high for three months, but the images are eerily similar to what people reported seeing when they were high for three months. They are attempting to polish this crystal, but so far they’ve seen some interesting images from potentially Earth’s past. We are also entertaining the idea that the crystals and the glowing rocks may have made their way to Earth from somewhere else in the cosmos. 

So I have some important news regarding Kimmie and the Matmos. For a while, the situation was that the people affected by the Matmos pools other than the main pool were suddenly coming to their senses. Some of them returned to work after decades of absence. This was largely viewed as a beneficial thing for Kakos Industries. The trouble is that now the people who were affected by the main Matmos pool, who were largely able to come to work and get their shit done, are getting a little bit strange. Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the Matmos, who prior did no work at all and more recently started coming to work in office attire and actually work one to two days a week, are now coming to work one day a week in clown makeup and costumes. This isn’t that strange for Kakos Industries, but it is certainly strange for them. I feel like I should pause here and say that they aren’t dressed like sexy clowns, so get that out of your heads. Like big, baggy clown costumes, the big nose, the wigs. What’s that Soundman? Well, I suppose anything can be someone’s kink. A lot of people, you say? I feel like I should have known that. Anyway, those two aren’t the only ones getting a little bit weird from time to time. We’ve had employees behaving like barking dogs. We’ve had employees coming to work in all manner of strange, outlandish, costumey attire. Productivity has taken a hit. Not a huge hit, but when you employ as many people as we do, those small percentage points still add up to a lot of missing Evil and income. So, this has gone from a private matter within the Matmos pools, to a matter that now affects us at Kakos Industries in a meaningful way. The Division of Dams and Water Management, who has already been working with Kimmie to combine the pools, is now working in an official capacity for Kakos Industries. Kimmie has pushed back, indicating that she will reunite the pools by whatever means necessary and that we should stay out of her way, so we’ve come to a compromise. We have slowed some of the flows so that the most dramatic effects have at least mellowed out, but we are now involved in a way that I hoped we wouldn’t become. There will be consequences, no doubt.

(ringing)

CORIN: Fourest? It’s okay, you can come back.

JUNIOR: How fucking dare you.

CORIN: Oh, hi Junior.

JUNIOR: I begrudgingly accept that he and I share some genetic components, but I refuse to be associated with that… that… man brackets derogatory. 

CORIN: I would never associate you two.

JUNIOR: Thank you.

CORIN: Now, how can I help you, Junior?

JUNIOR: I’ve been thinking back on Halloween, Corin.

CORIN: That was a difficult time for us all.

JUNIOR: Well, not all, Corin. 

CORIN: Right, I forgot. I never did ask you how that worked out for you.

JUNIOR: Well, you know what they say. A gentleman never asks. A monster never tells. 

CORIN: Is that what they say?

JUNIOR: Corin. I need you to override a… pesky bit of outdated regulation here at Kakos Industries.

CORIN: What’s that?

JUNIOR: You see, when I was little, it was a different time. The old man was deep in his addictions, but the world was just saying no, as you understand. And then there was DarkMegaCaine. 

CORIN: Right.

JUNIOR: And the old man, well, as much as he didn’t want you to turn out like him, he didn’t want me to either. Only with me, it was a bit more strict on the substance policy. 

CORIN: Substance policy? I wasn’t aware that Kakos Industries had any substance policies.

JUNIOR: Well, just the one. Well, two. The first, you know, is we won’t ask any questions if you can handle your shit and get your job done.

CORIN: Right.

JUNIOR: The second is less well known, but a bit more concerning for me personally.

CORIN: What’s that?

JUNIOR: No drugs for Junior. 

CORIN: What?

JUNIOR: I am the only being at Kakos Industries forbidden from imbibing in several categories of mind altering substances. 

CORIN: I thought they didn’t affect you anyway.

JUNIOR: Well, so did I. 

CORIN: And what about Monster Kakos?

JUNIOR: Well, they’ve never heard of this particular rule, and most of them do not know me by that name anyway. 

CORIN: Right. I’m not going to try to pronounce it.

JUNIOR: It would be offensive and embarrassing if you did.

CORIN: And you can’t get what you’re after there?

JUNIOR: It would seem that no one in Monster Kakos has ever heard of Deeth-lerium. I am also unaware of its chemical structure, so I could not order it made.

CORIN: So… you want me to get you some drugs.

JUNIOR: Don’t be so crass, Corin. You sound like a narc. No, I don’t need you to get anything for me. I just need you to, with your executive powers, lift the restriction preventing me from attaining what I desire.

CORIN: You know drugs can be dangerous right?

JUNIOR: I’m just going to let that sit. Do you feel appropriately embarrassed about the words that have exited that mouth of yours?

CORIN: It felt silly as I was saying it. 

JUNIOR: I can partake responsibly. I am aware of my limits. And as you’ve well established, the tolerance for Deeth-lerium can be immediate and long lasting. There is little chance of abuse. All the same, Corin, for the first time in a long time, perhaps the first time ever, I felt calm, connected, at peace. I believe there is more for me to learn there. Consider it a psychedelic therapy.

CORIN: Okay. Yeah, fine. You’re capable of making your own choices and I trust you. What do I need to do?

JUNIOR: I will need you to sign a permission slip. 

CORIN: Like… for a field trip?

JUNIOR: Exactly. Pun acknowledged and appreciated. 

CORIN: Okay, as soon as we wrap up here, I’ll sign it.

JUNIOR: That is most kind of you, Corin. 

CORIN: Sure, no big deal. I hope you enjoy yourself.

JUNIOR: There is one other matter of regulations regarding me personally…

CORIN: You are still forbidden from entering the Division of Pastries ever again. That one’s not up to me.

JUNIOR: Very well. I was just thinking that, you know, I might get a bit snackish.

CORIN: I’ll have them send something to you. 

JUNIOR: I accept. Goodbye for now.

CORIN: Bye, Junior.

Let’s move on, shareholders.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted Knife Beast vs. the Jagged Edge. There was a lot of clanking provided by a foley artist off to the side of the stage. When it came down to it, Jagged Edge was just that much edgier. We all had an amazing time. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has found a piano key that when reinstalled in the piano turns the entire room upside down. There is apparently a hidden compartment exposed in this state that was empty when they found it. Once again, more questions than answers.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. It appears that we’ve lost contact with Wynona Grimbal. This was expected, however. She told us there may be some lengthy hazing before she reaches the next level. We assume that she is currently engaged in that hazing and unable to communicate. We all know that Wynona is made of the strongest stuff that humans can be made from, which is why we selected her to join a fight club. We are confident she will come out the other side and continue her work. 

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Sela Pascal from The Division of Fewer Divisions. The Division of Fewer Divisions has combined with The Division of Division Un-Division. Apparently, both divisions discovered the overlap in their fields and decided to do what they do best. They will be known henceforth as The Division of Fewer Division Divisions. Thank you for your effort, Sela Pascal.

They say that Evil once killed you when you fell asleep, only to bring you back in the morning, exhausted. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we are taking credit for dolphins, whales, and the things in the sea they know about but we don’t. As always, we can’t be certain that we are responsible for these things. In fact, some of them we are technically unaware of. All the same, I think we can agree that we are at least in part responsible for their existence. Be careful with your doubts, especially while we are controlling voltage traveling through your body. 

Nyssa Woods has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Nyssa Woods’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Anne R. Keye. We gave the Wheel of Misery a pragmatic spin and it landed on the space for Authoritative. From this day forward, Anne R. Keye will be 30% more Authoritative, which is ironic. This authoritativeness will include all of the subjects that Anne is an expert in, and Anne will never get a spare moment again with all of the urgent consultations. For Evil measure, Nyssa Woods will be 13% less authoritative, which has its own consequences. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere else wearing melted crayons. This is another messy one and I don’t like it. They’ve been leaving marks and scribbles all over the building with the crayon wax on their bodies. If you’re imagining that they are appropriately covered by this wax, you’re wrong. All of the stuff that should be covered is not. What parts should be covered? Well, that is subjective I’ll grant you. 

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. Shareholders, many of our serious projects are continuing to move forward, but they will likely take a backseat to the Shareholders’ Ball. I will try to keep you updated next time on all of the updates, but we may have to focus up to provide you the right kind of experience. I am hoping that we find Fourest sometime soon. In a few moments it will be appropriate for you to take your finger off of that loose wire. You may find that it was never connected to anything at all. The numbers are next. 

32

42

36

46

99

49

50

4

2

4

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins,your zatties zatty .

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who straightened out the kink in the rug just before the convention passed through. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has continued working on the second story of their knit castle, which has far fewer secret passages, but potentially too many hot tubs. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a carriage that makes horses Evil. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by giving everyone a little bit of speed.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Midwestern Treats. “Why are there so many marshmallows? What is happening? 7/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on High Cuisine. The book focuses on meals that can be easily cooked while way too high.  The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They are currently listening to slowed down bat cave sounds. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked nine dairy cows tetris-style.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the guest bedroom. A lot of people forget it’s there. But then again, a lot of people aren’t guests. The Division of Unnecessary Competitions, Directed by Mike A, has organized a competition to see who can grow their toenails the fastest. Gross. The Division of Things That Have Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches, directed by Her Foxiness Miss Dr Indigo J S Vulpes XIII, Esq. has put a switch on a stop sign. When flipped, prepare for uncomfortable speed. The Division of Deeth Divination, directed by Jack Delancey, watched Corin scratch behind his left ear, then his right ear. They are expecting a new pharmacological discovery imminently. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you, put some honey on your elbow and then lick it off.