in which work continues to unify the Matmos, there are some concerning updates about Fourest, you kill a plant, and Kayve Moss “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Kakos Industries is ad-free. To help keep it that way, head to KakosIndustries.com/Patreon and consider becoming a member today.

Intro: What you are about to hear is, well, you should know by now.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients and everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. I think that all of us here at Kakos Industries have been recovering nicely now that we’re two months out from our terrifying Halloween experiences. Reports of the Man with the Long Long Hat are way down, and references to shadow people picked up by our ambient microphones set up throughout the building are also way down. There are a couple of other matters that all of you are probably curious about, but we will get to those momentarily.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a talkative houseplant. Yes, we did some genetic engineering and we put together a plant that can talk. It can’t think. I don’t want you to think that the plant can think or that it’s sentient or something like that. Not with a typical plant metabolism it can’t be. But it can talk. Sometimes that’s a dangerous thing, not being able to think but being able to talk. In this case, it’s useful. The plant is receiving this broadcast, and it is producing the sound through its mouth-like leaves. Our Division of  Conversing and Extra Seasonal Growers, one of our clients, have put together this particular plant for all of you. I am told that the audio quality has an earthy quality to it, perhaps a bit woody, and that makes sense. It has a kind of stereo field to it, but that depends entirely on the growth pattern of all of the leaves on your particular plant. They are not uniform. 

I should mention that this broadcast is only for Kakos Industries shareholders. Thinking is definitely too much for the metabolism of this plant, but it is capable of detecting whether you are an Evil person or not  and it will fire a razor sharp leaf aimed directly at your throat if it gets the suspicion that you shouldn’t be listening in. If you’re not Evil, or perhaps you’re just not feeling all that Evil today, perhaps it would be best to walk away from the plant.

I know that my… journey of self-discovery, for lack of a better phrase, is not of vital importance to Kakos Industries or the business of Doing Evil Better, but it is of some importance to all of you listening all the same. We do take readings of your attention throughout the broadcast through various means I won’t get into now, and that’s how we know. Anyway, I feel as though I should update all of you on my experiences revisiting the Deeth-lerium, or the variant of it that was prescribed by my grandfather. My tolerance was still a bit high, but the team I have working with me on this project was able to calibrate the dosage to overcome the tolerance. It was still not the most comfortable experience, but sometimes the important things are hard. And sometimes the hard things are not optional and you just have to do them anyway. So I went deep again. Or as deep as I could. After a brief come-up period with some experiences of flying and then falling, I was there again. In the caves. I proceeded carefully, of course. I didn’t want to run into any traps or other problems. I found a spot that at least felt like it was the place where the wall was even if it didn’t look exactly the same. The caves are different pretty much every time. Once I was in the right spot, I ventured further. This time not literally. I was at home. The thing about this cocktail of drugs is that it’s not particularly fun to have in your body. It is uncomfortable. It blurs the edges of your identity. It pushes you deeper into places you may not want to be. Walking through these caves, albeit in the theater of the mind, was terrifying. Every step was haunting. There was an echo that swelled to what felt like a deafening level. And then I came to a cavern space inside of the cave. At this point, my pulse was pounding, my hands were sweating. Well, all of me was sweating. And then there was a scream. It said, “get out!” My nervous system didn’t need to be told twice and before I could think I was on my way out. And then my eyes were open, and I was in my apartment with the lights off. I was still In It, but I wasn’t in the caves anymore. I found something to distract myself and spent the next couple of hours of the experience just not engaging. That voice was potentially the most terrifying thing I had ever experienced. 

I did get a chance to talk to the Middle Tabitha about her psychedelic experience. I do have permission to talk about it, but primarily because if any of you disclose what you hear in these announcements, you know the consequences, so, in a way, you’re my confidants whether you want to be or not. And those of you who need to not hear something, won’t. We can do that. It’s complicated, but we can. Anyway, she told me that instead of seeing caves like I do, she sees a stream, and in the stream, she holds hands with other clones and there’s an energy in that connection, to be on a team, to be part of something larger, to be an important piece. What caused her some discomfort was that she interacted with Tabitha Prime in this situation. Except, she wasn’t sure that’s who it was. There was something about her mannerisms, her facial expressions. She seemed softer in a way. I told her that it’s not uncommon to experience people who are troublesome in our actual lives as softer versions of themselves, or even harsher versions of themselves, when we’re in these states. She said it wasn’t that. It wasn’t changing a person she knew. It was a person she didn’t know. For those of you playing along at home, there’s really only one person I can think of who would look like Tabitha Prime, age and everything, and not be her. I mentioned that these experiences aren’t magical. There’s nothing that makes them true. She might have curiosity about her aunt, or sister, or whatever you want to call her, and that may have manifested. She explained that her usual mental image of that woman is not a softer one. She is a betrayer. She abandoned them. She wouldn’t see her that way. And as for the magic part, she’s had some thoughts about that. It’s not that she saw this other woman really, or that she was connected to her in some way literally, but that she’s had suspicions about certain things, and those may have played a role in what she envisioned. She’s doing her research. I’m being a supportive friend.

So, there’s probably something else you were expecting to hear more information about, and that has to do with Fourest. Last time, I mentioned that he died because Soundman shot him, and that the board took his body. 

(Ringing)

CDIII: Well, that’s probably him.

FOUREST: (robotic) Hello, Corin. I detected the use of my name. I thought I would just check in to make sure that you weren’t spreading any malicious slander.

CDIII: Right, as you can hear, shareholders, Fourest has undergone some modifications at the request of the board. I’m not sure if he’s technically alive, but he sure is awake. 

FOUREST: You say modifications, Corin, I say upgrades. I’m everything I was before, and more. And I was already everything you’re not. My voice did need to be reconstructed as you can hear. My brain has also been upgraded where Soundman caused parts of it to exit my skull cavity with extra processing speeds, and I also have an emotional regulator that allows me to be even more Evil than before. 

CDIII: More Evil? Are we sure about that?

FOUREST: What are you implying, Corin? Have you not heard tell of my horrible misdeeds?

CDIII: Oh, I think I have. But the shareholders likely haven’t. Can you illuminate them?

FOUREST: Gladly. I know you would botch the telling anyway. Shareholders, just this morning with my own two robot hands, I rescued several baby rabbits. Then I built them a tiny shelter in my living quarters. Since then, I’ve been feeding them milk and little bits of lettuce. I’ve been searching for their mother so I can return them safely to her. How’s that? Doesn’t that just chill you to your bones? (robotic laugh)

CDIII: Um… Yes, it does chill me right to my bones. Do you have another story?

FOUREST: Earlier this month, shortly after I was revived, I heard about a rec center closure in a nearby neighborhood. Those kids need a place to hang out, Corin! Otherwise they’ll get into all kinds of trouble! I hosted a bake sale supplied with primarily snickerdoodles, oatmeal raisin cookies, and various kinds of brownies and cupcakes that I baked myself and raised enough money to keep the lights on for another month! (robotic laugh). I am everything you could never dream of being, Corin! I am the most Evil man that has ever existed!

CDIII: Right. Terrifying. Disgusting. You’re a monster.

FOUREST: Shut up, Corin. A butterfly has just landed on my finger and I do not wish to disturb it!

CDIII: (quietly) I’ll leave you to it, Fourest.

FOUREST: I wish you the happiest of new years and I hope that you experience nothing but the finest Evil in the year to come. (Robotic laugh)

CDIII: Right. The same to you. Talk to you later, Fourest.

So, shareholders, there’s clearly… something… going on there. We’re looking into it. Let’s move onto the rest of the announcements. 

We recently had our Yule celebration. This is often one of my favorite celebrations of the year with also some of my least favorite components. It is a working celebration for me. Just like the wait staff, I am on the clock. Unlike the wait staff, I am required to touch you if you ask. Primarily with a big bundle of thorny sticks while dressed as a Krampus monster. If you believe that you have been naughty enough, and that punishment is deserved, then you are allowed to get in line to be spanked by the krampus monster. Of course, some of you make this a simple routine, we catch up a little bit about your last year, we do the thwacking, and you’re on your merry way. This year, there were some of you who were super awkward, and I feel like we need to talk about it. If you enter the makeshift barn where I’m doing the thwacking, don’t play coy. Don’t be shy. We have a thing we need to do, and it needs to get done in a timely fashion. Don’t ask me if I think you’ve been Evil enough. I don’t know you. I don’t get information. Don’t hem and haw. Don’t hesitate. This is not mandatory. The line is long. You came to me. If you say, “wait, I don’t know,” then you have to leave. You have to explicitly consent or I’m not going to do it. Don’t try to extract the thwacking from me by being annoying or bratty. You have to ask. You have to ask clearly in human words. Don’t talk to me about safe words. The safe word is no, and if you say it, I stop. I’m not your dom. We’re going to have to provide the people working the line with some better education. Anyway, once my arm was tired out and I had a sizable vent to Grace, I got to enjoy the party and some nice beverages. We stayed up all night on the darkest night of the year. There was a bonfire. There was a lot of freeform celebration and chanting, and it was a lovely time had by all.

The Westival was an interesting festival largely based on tropes about the wild west popularized in western movies, although there were some historical additions. We had a lot of large hats, people wearing chaps, some fake gunslinging, and some not-so-fake gunslinging. Two people dueled and we as the bystanders realized all at the same time that both of them were firing real firearms and they managed to hit each other. Neither was a practiced shot, so they were nonlethal wounds, although they did hit a spittoon in the corner, which made a sound that I think we all found to be hilarious. The beef has been put to rest. I don’t know what it was about and I don’t care. They have both been fired. This is clearly in the doing Evil to the Evil camp, so we don’t tolerate that shit. Especially when they could have hit someone else. Understandably, Soundman sat this event out due to recent firearm related emotional trauma. There have also been some reports of our sarsaparilla being too authentic and giving some people some tummy aches. It’s also possible that they put too much corn whiskey in their sarsaparilla. There was a lot of corn whiskey. 

Just a few minutes ago, shortly before this broadcast began, we watched the ball drop here at Kakos Industries, at a sort of compromise time zone between all of the markets we serve, which is all of them of course. And by ball drop, I actually mean the dropping of the New Year’s Pig. This is a new tradition, but one I am very excited about. You see, we load the pig up with the kinds of genes that only manifest through extreme stress, like the ones you hear about in comic books. Then, we drop it off the building. Based on what happens, we know if we’re going to have an Evil year, or an exceptionally Evil year. This year, the pig made it halfway down the length of the building before two triumphant wings tore out of its back and allowed it to land safely. It sprouted the most amazing talons, and huge gnashing teeth. Because it survived so well, this has the potential to be one of the most exceptionally Evil years on record. We are probably going to have to kill the pig now, though, because it is super dangerous and has already taken a bite out of one of its handlers. There was a big celebration and a toast with a variety of beverages, and now many of you are in the basement ballroom, or perhaps on the amphitheater lawn partying in the new year. This isn’t as big of a celebration as the ones we throw for Halloween or the Shareholders’ Ball, but we still make sure to do it right. There are the appropriate drinks and the right kind of music. There are spaces to calm down and clear your head. We also have a dog kennel that is so soundproofed you wouldn’t believe it. They can’t hear anything down there. No need for diphenhydramine or stronger sedatives. They won’t know a single thing happened down there. When I get finished with these announcements, I’ll be on my way to joining the festivities.

Coming up we have the Festival of Darkness and the Festival of Genes. The Festival of Darkness will be completely dark this year, but we are excited to introduce some alarming grinding noises throughout, which we think will really set the mood. Our offerings at the Festival of Genes will include thicker calves, a third eye (location nonspecific), and the ability to produce glitter from your pores. We’ll have a couple of other exciting concoctions as well as the opportunity to gamble. 

I have some news about Kakophonia, that music festival that has been raging on the amphitheater lawn for some months now. Fortunately, the longform improv show finally ended when an actor had a real heart attack and emergency services were called. Then, to everyone’s surprise, another actor on stage revealed a scrap of paper with just the words heart attack on it and everyone took a bow. They then began Emo showtunes night, which had been waiting weeks to happen. Tonight we’ve got some rock bands and DJs welcoming the new year.

(ringing)

CDIII: Hello?

FOUREST: Corin, these people are trying to kill the New Years Pig. I cannot allow them to do that.

CDIII: Why?

FOUREST: He’s a very special boy, Corin. Just think of what he has to offer to this world! The Evil.

CDIII: It’s Evil to the Evil, Fourest. We gotta put him down.

FOUREST: I’ll keep him, Corin. I’ll keep him safe where no one can hurt him. (robotic laugh). My Evil impresses even me.

CDIII: What?

FOUREST: Aren’t you appalled by my Evil deeds, Corin? Aren’t you disgusted and taken aback by what you could never hope to be?

CDIII: Uh… Yeah.

FOUREST: I knew it! (robotic laugh) I am the Evilest, and no one shall lay a hand on my special piggy boy. 

(chomping sound)

FOUREST: Ow! Oh, he’s play-biting me, Corin. I appear to have lost a significant chunk of my left shoulder. He sure plays hard. 

CDIII: Whatever you say. I’ll call off the handlers.

FOUREST: Thank you, Corin. I know you’ve done this because you recognize me as the superior entity of Evil. Goodbye for now.

CDIII: Hopefully, it’ll just eat him. Let’s move on.

It’s now time for today’s Q&A Segment. Today’s Q is “Where can I get more printer paper? I’ve been lost for six months.” Here’s the answer. Tyler, the printer has been refilled with paper. You’ve been gone so long someone else already took care of it. You’ve also been reassigned three times to new divisions for failure to get to work on time. Just… find the lobby. We’ll figure it out from there.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. I am told that the Satisficer has a new function for people who like to receive. Previously, it was more of a device for those who give, but now you can receive as well. I am told that it is not currently causing any serious bodily harm, so we may be on our way to a marketable product. I am also told that the devices they’ve put together for slurping up whole dudes, squishing you under giant feet, and squishing you between giant titties have been combined into a new project called the sensory ho-hunk-ulus. It’s equal parts ho and hunk, with extra unculus, and it is one hundred percent horrifying. They only have sketches of the whole thing right now, and to be honest, I think I was a bigger fan of Xylathee. Well, everything is someone’s thing.

Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp, has sent us some samples of the glowing crystals. When viewed in certain light and breathed on with enough force by multiple people, the crystals seem to show images from another place and time. Based on some preliminary analysis, we’ve hypothesized that these images might be from the Earth’s distant past. They aren’t super clear, but I understand that the laborers have been instructed to try to find really large crystals to hopefully bring this world into greater focus.

I have some updates on Kimmie and the Matmos pools. I understand that the small trickles are continuing. Our Matmos affected individuals are still behaving strangely. Clarissa and Hedera are still having norm-core work days a couple of times a week. We’ve had a couple more former members of the niche Matmos pools show up to work after not doing so for multiple decades. We are doing our best to get them acclimated. I know that many of you have been wondering about these strange other people who have been helping Kimmie with this task. It has now come to my attention that her team is made up of her old coworkers from the Division of Dams and Water Management. Apparently they have branched out to other forms of liquid. I understand that it is painstaking work, and they still have a ways to go.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted The Large Prophet vs. Infinite Gains. The physical descriptions of these two monsters are somewhat limited, but both were created as large beasts who could predict the movement of markets. The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment did their best to envision them as large stacks of coins and cash, beating the snot out of each other, raining currency on the crowd. Based on our notes, the Large Prophet was marginally better at predicting the markets and also the blows, and came out on top. That is until much later when Large Prophet was taken down by Random Chance, a completely unrelated monster. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has discovered a key the size and shape of a medium sized dog. They have named it Key-do. I think Key-do might just be a dog. Perhaps he has unlocked something in their hearts. 

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Wynona Grimbal has now sold us nutritional moss supplements, which are apparently part of the multilevel marketing scheme. We have invented a number of people who now exist in her downstream. We bought a far more modest amount of the nutritional moss than we did the personal varnish. Her team seems impressed and significantly less suspicious. I understand that the Division of Secret Societies has now given Wynona an underling, which they affectionately call a squire. We assumed this had something to do with status and splitting the workload, but she said it’s primarily a smooching thing. Apparently they largely keep it to just smooching. We are unsure why as of right now.

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Agim Elaina from the division of What’s In There. They looked inside the hole that appeared after the wall cracked when we were all too scared. The answer was bite wolves. They are recovering, but are expected to be unrecognizable. On the upside, we can try to rebuild them however they would like to be.

They say that Evil once got a town really high just so they would understand how low they could go. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for the last thing that made you go aww, the last thing that made you go bluhhh, and the last thing you couldn’t even find a sound for so you just sort of stayed quiet and dealt with it. As always, we cannot know for sure that we are truly responsible for these things, but we ran the numbers, and it’s almost a statistical certainty. Be careful with those doubts of yours. 

B Waid has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of B Waid’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Kayve Moss (cave moss). We gave the Wheel of Misery a coquettish spin and it landed on the space for Authorial. From this day forward, Kayve Moss will be 44% more Authorial. I understand that this will entail a lot of inner monologuing and the appearance of being able to control events that are happening around Kayve Moss. If you don’t think this ruins a life, you’re wrong. For Evil measure, B Waid will be 16% less authorial, which may involve a feeling of loss of control. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere wearing orange food coloring. It’s mostly dry, so they’re not making too big a mess, but they are just kind of orange. And naked. As usual. 

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. I’m going to be joining the rest of the New Year’s party, but I might also have to go check on Fourest to make sure that something… weird… isn’t happening. Anyway, you will need to destroy the chatty plant in front of you. I would recommend using some garden shears to just clip it off at the base. It should stop talking shortly after that. Remember, it can’t think. It can only talk. There’s no mind in there that you’re destroying. There are however razor sharp leaves that can be fired as a projectile if you wait too long. The numbers are next.

47

53

117

2

3,010

74

54

4

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, a soothing glass of frosty cola in a forest fire.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who followed the dog to the well where the man had fallen. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started working on the second story, though we are told the first story has one real hallway and the rest is secret passages. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a knitting machine that can instill the most heinous of sigils into the final piece. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by making all of the daily puzzles on everyone’s phones too easy today.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Just Lo Mein. “We didn’t actually want anything else, and they didn’t guilt us into getting it. 8/9”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on Big Bites. The book focuses on bites of food that are too large for any human mouth.  The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They are currently listening to cassette rips of video game streams. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked fifteen racoons by getting them all drunk first.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the mattress storage which is both comfy and quiet. The Division of Unnecessary Competitions, Directed by Mike A, has organized a listening competition to see who can stomach the most podcasts. The Division of Things That Have Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches, directed by Her Foxiness Miss Dr Indigo J S Vulpes XIII, Esq. has put a switch on a hangglider. Don’t flip it while in operation. The Division of Deeth Divination, directed by Jack Delancey, watched Corin cough three times. They are expecting a fourth cough that will produce a golden butterfly. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you, watch a sexy cop show or at least 40% of it.