in which you start to have a real bad trip, shadow men come to collect, Fourest finds himself on a mission, and Ruddy “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear is well lubricated.

CDIII: Look. I need you to stay quiet.

CDI: It wasn’t my intention to cause you any added stress.

CDIII: How could you not cause added stress? Among all of this?

CDI: You’ve been trying to find me for months now. Here I am. And you want me to stay quiet??

CDIII: You’re not really here. You’re just a hallucination. And you know, because I know, because you are a hallucination, that the shareholders can hear you right now because it’s Halloween and even my hallucinations have been mic’d up. I need you to be quiet.

CDI: Very well. I’ll, uh… I’ll take a break.

CDIII: I think he’s gone. For now.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. Shareholders, it’s Halloween. I would say happy Halloween, but I know that quite a few of you out there are not having a happy halloween right now. You are not having a fun time at all. And there’s a reason for that. Hopefully me saying that will give you some kind of relief. You see, this year, in addition to all of the amazing and beautiful festivities that we’ve put together to have the greatest, spookiest, most autumnal experience we can, we’ve done something remarkably stupid. It’s not uncommon for us to try to make Halloween more intense through the use of ambient psychedelics. It’s not unusual for us to dose you with something so that you can have an even more vivid, amazing time. This year, we fucked up. There was a hallucinogenic combination that we found in my grandfather’s notes that was unknown to some in our psychedelic research groups and they started to experiment with it. What they found was that it had amazing, euphoric effects and had nearly none of the drawbacks of other psychedelics. They loved it. And because they were having such a great time, they started to incorporate it into the Halloween festivities. They created a mist with the stuff in it, and if you’re here, you’ve been breathing it all night. Now, here’s the trouble. The euphoric, amazing effects that they claimed to experience are not what all of you are experiencing. Everyone here at Kakos Industries and probably within a square kilometer of the building is experiencing what we might call a bad trip. A challenging trip. An utterly terrifying trip of epic proportions. From what we can tell, the main effects of this cocktail, what they’re calling Deeth-lerium, include paranoia, terror, high levels of suggestibility, and fantastical visual hallucinations. We have tens of thousands of people here at the Kakos Industries facilities just losing their minds, hallucinating, and running in terror from what we certainly hope are imaginary sources of danger. These sources of danger include many things, but there seems to be a common thread regarding shadow people, who work for the man with the long long hat. This is a common hallucination that I have mentioned before. I know nothing about the man with the long long hat, but apparently he’s here, and he’s here specifically, and I’m quoting, “to collect”. There have been sightings of dragons and monsters of horrifying appearance. Can I guarantee that there are no monsters or dragons or shadow people? Well, I’m pretty confident about the shadow people and dragons at the very least. As for horrifying monsters, well, we do tend to keep those around. They don’t usually chase after groups of people. The trouble is the suggestibility that I mentioned a moment ago. Once one of you says “look out for the shadow people!”, everyone in that person’s vicinity has a significantly higher chance of seeing shadow people. This would also be the case if they were really there, but we believe that they are not. We have no evidence of shadow people being a thing, and we have looked. So, there’s a couple of things that could be going on here. Either taking the Deeth-lerium and turning it into mist fundamentally changed how it was metabolized, leading to all of the horrors, or the drug affects different people in different ways. I said that most of you were having a terrible time, but some of you are having the time of your life. If the stats we’ve been able to collect are to be taken seriously, then roughly one in a hundred of you is just having the time of their life. The trouble is that this effect is also much stronger than we expected, so even the people who are having a nice time are utterly useless to us to try to solve these problems. Now, you might be thinking, Corin, if you’ve been breathing the mist, why aren’t you freaking the fuck out? There are two factors that we’re guessing have contributed to this. First, I had a regular dose of some of the ingredients in Deeth-lerium recently and I may be in a sort of tolerance window. The other option is that I’m just more used to high levels of anxiety than many of the employees and shareholders of Kakos Industries. That being said, I’m not exactly on top of my shit right now. I’m sweating. My hands are freezing. And then there’s my grandfather.

CDI: Howdy, shareholders. Long time, no talk.

CDIII: He’s not here. He’s just been on my mind a lot, so when the Deeth-lerium took hold of me, who else was I going to see. As I mentioned, it’s Halloween, shit tends to happen to me on Halloween, so Soundman Steven has rigged me up to pick up sound not just in the event that I am kidnapped, but has also rigged me up to pick up my hallucinations. We have that technology. Don’t expect me to explain it. I find this whole thing extremely embarrassing and I’m sorry you have to be a part of it with me, shareholders.

CDI: There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, kiddo. You know how many of these announcements I did in my day not knowing where I was, who I was, or what any of this was? It’s part of the job description practically.

CDIII: Maybe for you, but that’s not how I do things.

CDI: Right. You’ve always been so up tight. That’s my fault, you know. You didn’t want to be like me. You didn’t want to end up like me. What’s that Catherine Aird quote?

CDIII: “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.”

CDI: The warnings do not come more horrible than me. 

CDIII: It’s not that I didn’t want to be like you.

CDI: The world changed. It didn’t need me anymore. It needed someone new. You. You shouldn’t be just like me.

CDIII: I am at the helm of an incredibly powerful company with thousands of lives that depend on my leadership. I probably shouldn’t be intoxicated while working. 

CDI: That’s exactly why you should be. Well, why I was. 

CDIII: You knew things that I do not. I believe you said as much in one of your recordings. 

CDI: I’ve tried to protect you from all of that. I don’t think I’ve done a great job. 

CDIII: You’ve said as much. And you’ve also said that you can’t answer my questions. I assume that extends to hallucinations of you as well. 

CDI: Right. Well, it’s complicated.

CDIII: I don’t really have time to get into it now. Begrudgingly, my job comes before the vanity project of finding out who I am.

CDI: I’ll keep a lid on it for now, but we’ll talk later. 

CDIII: I doubt that.

CDI: We will. 

CDIII: Sure.

Sorry about that, shareholders. Like I said, he didn’t tell us anything we haven’t heard before. I have actual announcements to get through, but I hope you’ll understand if I don’t give them the full attention I normally do. Some of the time when I look down at my notes, the letters just start to swim around and off the page. I’ll do my best.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the bag of candy you just opened. It said “Don’t Open Before Halloween” on it, and hopefully you did as you were told. If you opened it early, the announcements would not have started yet. The candy also would have been particularly unpleasant to eat. It’s much better now that the appropriate time has come to pass. There’s probably a speaker in the bag or something like that.

This broadcast is only for Kakos Industries shareholders. Otherwise, that candy you’re eating is just going to get worse and worse. It’s going to make you quite ill, in fact. That is, unless you become a shareholder. Ordinarily I try to make the experience of being an Evil shareholder sound more appealing, but right now it probably doesn’t sound that great. Maybe it’s better to just put the candy down for now if you’re not a shareholder. 

We recently had the Festival of Books. When I said that Pumpkin Spicy Lover was a slow burn, I meant it. The consequences of us letting people read it are not yet known. They are still reading it. Others of you put on glasses and had sex in the stacks. Nerd cosplay, I guess. 

We’re also clearly having Halloween. We had a ton of stuff planned, but I assume it’s all gone off the rails. 

I have the Division of Insurmountable Fear running around putting out the worst fires. They are responding to any reports we get, so as you can understand they are quite busy right now. They may not have a tolerance for the Deeth-lerium, but they do have a tolerance for terror, which is an advantage. We still have about 80% of them responding to calls, which is amazing with what we’re dealing with. We basically don’t have anyone else who can do anything. 

I have an update from the Division of Insurmountable Fear here. It says, “Couldn’t rule out giant beetle on Craggy Lawn.” That’s a new one. I have no idea what to do about a giant beetle. I’m going to let them figure this one out on their own.

Coming up we have The Festival of Anti-Celebration and Black Friday. After Halloween, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t feel like celebrating for a while. As for Black Friday, I’m sure we will have some deals. I don’t know what they’re going to be, but we’ll have them for sure. Assuming we ever come down from this madness. 

The amphitheater lawn, which hosts the Kakophonia music festival, has been hosting all kinds of horror related music, whether it be witch house, horror core, or those kinds of metal that people only discuss in hushed whispers. That’s what’s supposed to be going on there. Right now, apparently the concert-goers are running frantically from one side of the lawn to the other. It has something to do with shadow people. The last band to perform was called Shadow People. It might be about them . Or it might be the common hallucination. 

Another note from the Division of Insurmountable Fear. It reads, “put out literal fire in basement 44.” I don’t remember what’s in basement 44 but putting out fires is always helpful. I’ll make a note to look into that later. 

The letters on my page are swimming around again so let’s change the subject until I regain the ability to read. There is another thing on my mind. It has to do with this recording from Fourest. Please play it, Soundman. 

FOUREST: Hey, Corin. Just wanted to leave you a message, pal, and let you know what I think about everything that’s going on. I have some concerns about this Deeth-lerium mist. I’m not feeling terror, or panic, or anxiety like any of your partygoers on account of my superior constitution, but it is clear to me that something is going wrong, and I think I know who’s responsible. It’s you, Corin. Your ineptitude has finally come to this. You’ve finally done something so wrong that it can never be forgiven. I am quite confident that the board would agree with me on this one. At any rate, Corin, I know that these feelings, whatever they are – not fear – are your fault and that there is only one way to solve this problem. I know that the board forbids it, but desperate times, am I right? There is only one way out of this, Corin. I can save myself and I can save everyone else if I just do this one thing. And that thing is kill you. I think it only fair that I warn you so that you can properly anticipate my coming. There is nothing you can do to stop me, so trying to prepare is a waste of your final precious moments. The so-called “deficiencies” you’ve mentioned about my upbringing might have missed a few useless school subjects, but what they did not miss was survival skills, lethality, disarming traps, and combat of all kinds. I am an unstoppable force. I don’t care if the rules forbid me from ascending to the role of CEO afterwards. This needs to be done, and I am the only one who apparently has the initiative. I’m so sorry it has come to this, Corin, but you really have no one to blame but yourself. There is no indignity in this death, you know. I have a way of doing things respectfully when there is a need such as this.

CDIII: So, that sucks. There have been sightings of Fourest for the last couple of hours. His sense of direction is holding him back from finding me so far. I tried to get some guards outside the studio door, but they fled due to the aforementioned Deeth-lerium terrors. So I am unprotected on that front. Soundman offered me a gun, but I absolutely refused to handle a firearm in this state of mind, as you can understand. As for Soundman, well, he’s in his booth over there polishing his revolvers. I mentioned to him already that he shouldn’t be handling them either. He insisted that it is the only thing keeping him sane. I can’t argue with that. I need him doing his job. 

Many of you will be wondering about Violet Trudge, the hardest working employee here at Kakos Industries and a frequent fixture of Halloween broadcasts. I am told that the fear has taken her, and she is currently frozen standing up, face contorted into a scream. Completely immobilized. Like a freeze frame. I don’t pretend to understand what goes on in her mind, and I don’t want to know what’s going on in there right now.

Interesting. I just found a tape on the desk here. Did you see this appear, Soundman? There is a tape right? Okay. It says “Being Way Too High” on it. Do you want to play it?

CD1.5: Hey, Corin. It’s your old pal, your gruncle Corin Deeth the one and a halfth. Just wanted to leave you a couple more of these helpful tapes filled to the brim with my life experiences. Just wanted to give you the gift of my wealth of knowledge. I have a couple of notes written down here for things I want to say, but I have to admit that the one that I know the most about is being way too high. Corin, being way too high is never easy. Maybe you wanted to impress some of your peers. Or maybe you wanted that special someone to think you were a real cool guy. Maybe you took ten when you should have taken two. Maybe you took five when you should have taken one. Maybe you took one when you should have stayed far away. Whatever the shit is you took, and however much you took, it’s going to be okay. Your old gruncle is here to keep you company. Take a deep breath. And remember, the worst thing that can happen when you’re way too high is you’ll die, and oh well. It happens to the best of us. Like me.

CDIII: I really wish I hadn’t heard that. Let’s move on. 

Another update from the Division of Insurmountable Fear. “No evidence of dragon in hedge maze. Presence of Man with Long Long Hat still possible.” None of these things are real. Why can’t everyone just calm down?

(Ringing)

CORIN: Hello?

JUNIOR: Corin. (Heavy Breathing)

CORIN: Hi, Junior. How is everything going?

JUNIOR: Corin, I’m high.

CORIN: It’s going around. 

JUNIOR: No, Corin. I’m HIGH.

CORIN: I understand. So am I.

JUNIOR: Corin, I’ve never been high before.

CORIN: What?

JUNIOR: I said I’ve never been high before and I’m high. What else did you want me to say?

CORIN: Not even in Monster Kakos? With the huge buckets?

JUNIOR: I’ve been tipsy, Corin, but my metabolism. It doesn’t let me get high. But I’m high.

CORIN: Like… like the people running around?

JUNIOR: Evils, no. But like, I’m high.

CORIN: Are you having fun?

JUNIOR: Maybe? I’m like… bored. Like, I want something to happen. I’m high.

CORIN: You mentioned that. And, that can happen.

JUNIOR: Should I go for a walk?

CORIN: Where are you?

JUNIOR: Well, I had just tucked the little ones into bed after trick’r’treating – They’re still safely asleep, by the way.

CORIN: That’s a relief.

JUNIOR: And then I started to walk around. I… I don’t know where I am.

CORIN: Are you inside or outside?

JUNIOR: There are trees. I’d put money on outside. 

(Screaming)

JUNIOR: A bunch of people just ran away from me. Should I see what’s wrong with them?

CORIN: I’d leave them to it, actually. It’s not personal. Not tonight. 

JUNIOR: I’ve found a lake, Corin. I think it’s the friendly lake. 

CORIN: No jagged pieces of metal sticking out of it?

JUNIOR: Serene waters as far as the eye can see. I think… I think I want to put my feet in it.

CORIN: That sounds like an okay idea.

JUNIOR: Oh! Oh hohohoHO! That is fabulous. I think I want to stay here for a while.

CORIN: I think that’s a smart idea, Junior. 

(a pause)

CORIN: Junior?

JUNIOR: Hmm? Oh, sorry. I was just having a thought. 

CORIN: I’m going to leave you to it, Junior.

JUNIOR: I’m high.

CORIN: You sure are.

JUNIOR: Corin, I love you. 

CORIN: Oh boy. I love you, too, Junior. Bye.

Just got another note here from The Division of Insurmountable Fear. They say they saw a monster dipping its toes into the friendly lake but they ran away. That checks out. Another group of them reported seeing Fourest outside the witch’s hut. I don’t know how to explain to you how far that is from where I am.

CORIN: I’m going to check on Dirk. This can’t be easy for him.

DIRK: Hi. You’ve reached the voicemail box for Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion, head of Giant Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face. I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m having a mind blender-ing experience of horror, terror, fear, panic, and anxiety. I’ll be hiding in the corner for the rest of eternity until the shadow men leave or I die or both.

CORIN: Dirk are you pretending to be an answering machine?

DIRK: We’re sorry. The call you’re trying to make couldn’t be completed as dialed. Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion is hiding under a table pretending to be dead. The shadow men can’t get him if he’s already covered in shadows. Or dead. Or an answering machine. (robotic) Goodbye.

CORIN: Fine, I’ll try again later. 

(Noise)

MELANTHA: HAHAHAHAHAHA I’m interrupting you, Corin. I bet you didn’t see that coming.

CORIN: Melantha, it’s not a great time.

MELANTHA: It’s an interruption, Corin. It doesn’t have to be the right time for you. It’s the right time for me.

CORIN: It’s Halloween, you always do this. I was expecting it.

MELANTHA: Sure you were, Corin.

CORIN: Look, I’m just going to cut to the chase. Your party is better than mine this year. We’re all losing it over here due to a psychedelic gone wrong. My entire staff and all of the shareholders are off their faces and freaking the fuck out. We fucked up. You win.

MELANTHA: What?

CORIN: I don’t have time to do the whole thing with you. I’m not in a costume. I’m putting out dozens of fires. Everything is a mess. This Halloween is a nightmare.

MELANTHA: Everyone is terrified?

CORIN: Extremely.

MELANTHA: Delicious.

CORIN: It’s Evil to the Evil, Melantha. I gotta figure out a way to fix this or we’re in trouble. I don’t even know if this call is really happening. 

MELANTHA: It sounds like… well, since I won already, is there anything I can do to help?

CORIN: What?

MELANTHA: It would be rude to kick you while you’re down. You’ve done the responsible thing and owned up to it, so… how can I help?

CORIN: Unless you know how to sober up thousands of people quickly, I don’t think there’s anything you can do. 

MELANTHA: That’s easy, Corin. I’ve done it hundreds of times. We need to get everyone imagining me naked. Get the blood flowing to other places than their brains. Just imagining me, my body, my skin, perfectly moisturized, perfectly proportioned. Is that doing anything? Can you put me on speaker with all of your shareholders?

CORIN: Melantha, I’m not going to let you try to turn on my shareholders. I don’t need to add that to any of this. You ever seen a fear boner?

MELANTHA: Yes. 

CORIN: Well, I guess I should have expected that. 

MELANTHA: All boners are fear boners from a certain perspective. That perspective is usually from above and with some sort of pain-causing implement in your hand.

CORIN: Stop it. We’re all far too suggestionable right now.

MELANTHA: Too suggestionable? Oh, fun. You need to relax, Corin. Just imagine yourself in my arms. You’re just a big baby. I’m cradling you ever so gently. Just holding you so sweetly. Who’s my big beautiful boy? I pull down the edge of my Superfli-girl costume – got the mention of my costume in, you’re welcome – to produce two of the most beautiful breasts known to man. I’m just cradling this sweet baby boy between these soft, perfect breasts. Tiny little man between my giant woman breasts. I might squish you to pieces.

CORIN: I need this to stop. 

MELANTHA: Would you rather my giant woman toes? I’ve been barefoot all night, you know. And I’ve been walking everywhere.

CORIN: Soundman, cut it off. I don’t care how.

MELANTHA: Oh, you’re no fun, Corin. Afraid to get a little weird?

CORIN: I’m afraid of literally everything right now. 

MELANTHA: (earnest) Well… um… it’s going to be okay, you know. Everyone will come down in time, and you’ll be okay. This is temporary. How’s that? I hated saying it, I just want you to know.

CORIN: It actually kind of helped. 

(noise)

MELANTHA: Soundman is blocking my signal! How rude. Fine. I hope you freak the fuck out forever between my grubby toes. Melantha out!

Thank you, Soundman. I just got another update from the Division of Insurmountable Fear. They say that they may be trapped between big breasts or big toes. I’m replying that they are not. I can guarantee that one.

There’s another tape here. It says “Taking Comfort in Nature” on it. Should we? Well, why not? What if there’s something important on it? Well, how do you know there isn’t? Play the tape, Soundman!

CD1.5: Hey, Corin, it’s your Gruncle Corin the one point five. I wanted to leave another one of these tapes. You know, it’s funny, the thing I learned the most about in my life, the experiences I can share most easily, all revolve around being really fucking high. I was really high a lot. Most of the time on purpose, but some of the time less on purpose. Your grandad and I used to get really high together. I learned a lot and have a lot of experience to share. All the stuff about causing insurrections and doing modern colonialism, I don’t know, Corin. What can I say? I just do that naturally. It’d be like asking a bird to tell you how it flies. Birds can’t talk, Corin. Not unless you’re really high. Being really high is what I know how to teach. You know, I took a lot of comfort in nature when I was ball shrivelling levels of high. When I was clutching the Earth to keep from falling off high, I took comfort in nature. WHen I could feel exactly how fast the Earth was spinning, nature was my safety safe. When I was “oh god are my insides going to become outsides” high, I would always turn to nature. I would look at the trees and the grasses and the cactuses and the creeks and the wind and the clouds, and I would think, when my body is done being eaten to pieces by nasty little bug fuckers, some day my molecules would be all of those other things. Right after every part of me was shit out by a bug, or a germ, or some kind of slimy pinchy bastard that isn’t technically a bug, right out of whatever’s tight little buggy b hole. Then I would be clouds. Hope you’re doing okay, bud. Think about nature. That’s my advice.

CDIII: Okay, Soundman. You were one hundred percent right. I’m going to try not to think about any of that. Let’s just power through. Announcements. Getting them done. No interruptions. Let’s just go.

It’s now time for today’s Q&A Segment. Today’s Q is where is the most inspiring place at Kakos Industries? I really feel like this is a poorly timed question. Based on recent experiences, I’d say the friendly lake.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. The note here says “The Satisficer is now really big and it is just slurping up dudes, and not just their dude stuff. Whole dudes. Slurping them right up.” Soundman, does this page actually say those words? The page is blank. Well then what does that say about my subconscious? Oh. Well that is embarrassing.

Another report from the Division of Insurmountable Fear. “Giant lobster was real, but isn’t anymore.” What the hell does that mean?

Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp, has found a new mineral that glows when you breathe on it. Soundman, are those the words on this page? He says it looks right. Well, I’m excited to read more about that next time.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment prepared Pumpkin Ain’t Easy, a reenactment of the battle between The Gourd Almighty and Hack O’ Lantern. They have postponed the performance this evening until they can find the performers, who ran away from each other in terror earlier.  

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has recently opened the scariest door in the entire building. It doesn’t say which door. It just says “very scare” at the bottom and it is underlined. Why are we even trying to work in this chaos.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. We recently bought 1,000 boxes of whatever personal varnish is from Wynona Grimbal, making her the highest earner in the Miss Belle of the Ball Beauty Pageant multilevel marketing scheme. This should make it easier for her to climb in the ranks. We’re inclined to just throw out the personal varnish, but I would like to know what the hell it is first. 

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Erika Sansa from the Division of Purpose. The Division of Deep Physics was researching a fundamental scientific hypothesis when they discovered that they were completely wrong in the most embarrassing way. They needed new purposes in life immediately, and a team from the Division of Purpose, led by Erika Sansa, hooked them up with a phat new purpose. This apparently saved the entire team. Thank you for all that you have done, Erika Sansa.

(Ringing)

CORIN: Hello?

DIRK: Hi. You’ve reached the voicemail box of Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion, head of Giant Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face. I can’t come to the phone right now because my asshole and my balls have been sucked up into my body from the abject terror I’m experiencing at the moment.

CORIN: Dirk, you called me. You can’t be an answering machine if you called me!

DIRK: This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes, as well as legal purposes, and maybe it makes me feel better to hear a friendly voice. Please leave your message of encouragement after the tone. Beep.

CORIN: It’s the Deeth-lerium mist, Dirk. You’re going to be okay in a couple of hours. Do some deep breathing and think about pleasant meadows. 

DIRK: Would you like to stay on the line for a short survey?

CORIN: Okay.

DIRK: On a scale of 1-10, am I going to be okay?

CORIN: Ten. Well, maybe 8. 

DIRK: (robotic) Thank you for taking the survey. Goodbye.

CORIN: Fuck. I don’t have anyone to go check on him.

There’s another tape. Soundman, you were right last time. Maybe we shouldn’t play it. But… What if it’s important? It’s titled “Being Dead.” We’ve survived the last two. Let’s just… let’s just give it a chance.

CD1.5: Corin, you learn a lot when you’re dead. I’m dead. Or am I? Am I dead? Is this what being dead is like? Why am I dead? When did I die? What did I die of? No, I’m dead. Right now. I have to be right? Nothing else makes sense otherwise. I’m watching over you, bud. Because I’m dead. Alive and dead. Wait. Alive? No, dead. Definitely dead. Just watching over you bud. Alive. In the corners. Just watching you.That’s me. Just where you can’t see me. Watching you with my eyeballs. Got my eyeballs right on you. I see everything you do, Corin. I see everything you do, and I can read your mind. I can read your thoughts. Because I’m watching over you. I’m just peering into that mind of yours, reading your deepest, most private thoughts. ‘Cause we’re close like that. You let me read you like a highschool diary. I know everything. And I’m alive. Wait, dead. I meant dead. That doesn’t sound right. Alive. No. Definitely dead. Watching over you from the clouds. And from your underwear drawer at night. And from inside your head. I’m in your skin, Corin. I’m wearing your skin. Like it’s mine. Wearing skin. Isn’t skin weird, Corin? It’s like we’re water balloons. Especially when you’re wearing someone else’s skin, like I’m doing with you right now. You know, I thought if I got way too high I would have better advice for you than this. But now I’m way too high recording this message. And I’m dead. Looking out for you bud. Stay away from the man with the long long hat. Okay, partner. Take care.  

CDIII: Nope. No more tapes today. I’m done with tapes. 

There’s another message from the Division of Insurmountable Fear. It has a recording attached. No, soundman, I said no more tapes. This isn’t a tape. 

MWTLLH: Hello. Corin. It’s me. The man. With the long long hat. I’ve come. To collect. What I’m owed. They must give it to me. Your team. Keep them out of my way.

CDIII: Soundman, I need you to tell me if that came through the microphone or through the hallucination recorder. What do you mean you can’t tell? Yes, I know you’re high also. Okay. I have to lock that away for now. Why does it feel like the hallucinations are getting worse? Back to business as quickly as we can. We may not have much time.

They say that Evil once went to space just to understand the true nature of loneliness.  This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for holding it, ignoring your hunger, and the numerous ways we deny our nature daily. Now, we can’t say for certain that in every case this is our fault, but at least for our employees we know it’s true, and it stands to reason that because of that everyone else doing these things is our responsibility also. Be careful with your doubts. Right now, they might take you deep down a spiral and you wouldn’t want that, would you?

Ruddy has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Ruddy’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Not an Otter in a Trenchcoat. We checked. What they are is completely and without a doubt not an otter in a trench coat. Beyond that, I wouldn’t want to speculate. We gave the Wheel of Misery a cruel spin and it landed on the space for Present. This is yet another one of those terms that makes you think, well, wouldn’t I like to be more present? Wouldn’t that be better for my mental health? Right now, though? You want to be more present right now? Sounds like it would ruin your life to me. From this day forward whatever it is that isn’t an otter in a trenchcoat will be 45% more present. Yikes. And for Evil measure, Ruddy will be 13% less present, which poses its own problems. Congratulations on the win and best of luck. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere wearing palladium dust. That’s not cheap. We’re currently looking into any laboratories where it might have gone missing. 

We should try to wrap this up, Soundman. I feel the mist growing stronger. Are we still putting it into the air? Did we not get anyone to turn it off? Is, um… is any of this really happening?

CDI: Corin, let’s talk.

CDIII: What are we going to talk about?

CDI: What would you like to talk about?

CDIII: It’s your idea to talk.

CDI: There’s things you want to know.

CDIII: That you can’t tell me. You can’t tell me anything I don’t already know.

CDI: Well, maybe that’s the thing. Maybe… you already know.

CDIII: What do you mean?

CDI: Maybe the secrets you’re after are already inside of you.

CDIII: How could they be?

CDI: That’s not the right question.

CDIII: Then where? Wait… Are you trying to tell me…

CDI: Close your eyes.

CDIII: I’m in the caves.

CDI: And?

CDIII: I’m looking. Don’t rush me! The blockage is gone. The void. The calm is gone. There’s deeper caves. Darker caves.

CDI: You’re brave. You’ve been in the dark before.

CDIII: Wait… Soundman, what are you trying to tell me? No, I don’t have to finish the announcements. Not while I’m in a cave. We’re not doing the announcements. None of this is real. I’ve always been here. In the caves. I’ve never been anywhere else.

CDI: Where are you going, sport?

CDIII: I have to explore. I have to find out what’s in there. I’m going deeper.

CDI: Whoa, bud, we don’t actually have to leave the studio. We can journey in our minds.

CDIII: No, I have to go. 

CDI: Sorry, Soundman. Maybe you can wrap this up without us?

(a pause)

FOUREST: Aha! I’ve found your studio, Corin. Now it’s time for you to die! I’ve prepared a method entirely customized for you. Wait. Where is he? Ah, Soundman, always silent. You wouldn’t tell me even if you could. I see you gesturing, but it’s all gibberish to me. Wait, are we live, Soundman? Did Corin shirk his duties before they were completed? How very like him. Fair enough. As the obvious choice for a replacement I shall take on the last of his duties. Cleaning up his messes. Just like always. This is the end of the broadcast shareholders. It would be smart for you to stop eating that candy now. It might become quite unsavory in short order. Throw the rest away or I will come find you personally. The numbers are next.

2

2

3

2

5

2

6

3

5

6

4

1

Ah, perfect. This really suits me, you know?

(GUNSHOT)

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, the sexiest candy.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who catalogued all of the bones and solved an ancient mystery. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has completed the first story of the knit castle, and they are beginning to knit the supports for the second story. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a rare variant of the theremin that responds to anxious sweat and emotional instability to produce its sounds. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by withholding the new anime until all the work is done.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Cluckoldry. “It’s a chicken shop and you have to watch someone else eat the chicken. 8/17”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on Sole Food. Every meal is just one ingredient.  The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They are currently listening to unsynchronized metal machinery banging into drywall. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked thirty beetles. It may not seem impressive until you understand that they are all one on top of the other in a perfect column.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the dry towel room. It’s so warm and soft in there. The Division of Unnecessary Competitions, Directed by Mike A, has organized an egg and spoon race, except the egg is a grenade, and the spoon is really small. The Division of Deeth Divination, directed by Jack Delancey, watched Corin yawn three times in a row. They are expecting an economic slowdown. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you , Think about all of your blood and what it’s doing for you.