in which Corin recounts a strange trip, Kimmie has been playing in the pools, and Jamie Bee “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear has been well lubricated.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help everyone, all the way down to the smallest, most insignificant, most unworthy, to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth and I am CEO. Last time, shareholders, I admitted to you a particularly unfortunate bit of business that I was involved in regarding some tomb raiding. What I found, well, it might be clues to something important. To what, I’m not sure exactly. It seems like all of the obvious answers went right out the window at some point, and what we’re left with is a jumble of strange possibilities. It really feels like I’m missing something. Periodically, I feel as though I don’t need to be doing this. My origins, or whatever, are not particularly important to my life. I can just go on if I want to. And there’s a strange comfort in that. And then, I bolt awake at night wondering if there’s something I need to know. Something that is critical to my safety, or the future of the company. And then the search begins again. My grandfather made a list of psychedelic meditation techniques that might help me to find what I’m looking for. This does imply that the answers I’m looking for are within me. Or perhaps that I need insight about the problem to be able to see it correctly. That would very much be how my grandfather handled things. I don’t think that’s how I handle problems. I was talking this over with the middle Tabitha. I did ask her, by the way, if there was something else I should call her. We’ve been friends for months now and referring to her in relation to the clones older and younger than her feels inappropriate. Her middle name is the same as the other two. She suggested that I come up with a nickname that really summarized how I felt about her. That felt like a mean challenge, so I didn’t. At least not yet. Anyway, I mentioned the meditation techniques to her and she got really into the conversation. She’s not a clone scientist, like I mentioned, but she does have a passing interest in science and psychology. Her knowledge about psychedelics pretty much only extended as far as smoking weed and playing arcade games, so she didn’t have much insight to offer. But then she started talking about taking the psychedelics with me. I told her this was not the place to start. She should do something milder to get her feet wet. She wouldn’t back down. So we mixed up a concoction. It was a combination of psychoactive substances. As far as I could tell, it would so thoroughly dysregulate our regulatory structures in our brains that anything could happen really. Connections from all over the place. We’d be lucky if we kept breathing. I did check with some of the neuroscientists on staff. They said breathing wouldn’t be an issue. So, we dove in. I drank the recommended dose from my grandfather. And then I blacked out. To say that I came out of the experience with nothing would be basically correct. I woke up eight hours later with a fuzzy, buzzing feeling, but no memories. Tabitha had a similar experience. She reported a certain giddiness for the rest of the week that I did not experience. Of course, these dosages had to have been set for my grandfather’s tolerance, which would have been significantly higher. So we modified the recipes with some help from more knowledgeable staff members. Things got a bit interesting then. When I closed my eyes, I found myself in a cave system, real primal human memories. I walked through the caves feeling like I knew there was something I wanted to see. I knew something was in there. But then, the cave ended. There was a wall of black void. The thing is, when I touched it, I felt this incredible wave of certainty and stability. It was strange how calming it was. I found myself compelled to sit beside it and just experience that sense of safety. When Tabitha came down, she started talking about experiencing the stream of clone consciousness, a connection to other clones in the world. She reported seeing Tabitha Prime’s face in the stream. She found it to be beautiful and inspiring. I’ve been thinking about that calming void that I found. I think I have some thinking yet to do. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a box fan that your head is way too close to. You may not know where the box fan came from. All you know is that it was there. And when you heard the whooshing sound of its blades disturbing the air, you knew that getting really close to it would just shut the world out. It was a compelling thought, right? To let the world just get shut out. And so you got closer to it. And when you got close enough at just the right time, it started to play these announcements for you. Naturally, anyone walking by would only hear the fan and potentially wonder at your strange behavior. That makes these announcements just for you. This radio comes to us as a collaboration between our Division of Wind and Budget Fan Budget Fans, a company that, unsurprisingly, specializes in making budget fans that they are fans of on a budget. I should tell you that these announcements are only for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you aren’t a shareholder… well, it gets gruesome. The fan can tell, and those blades are sharper than they look, and that grill separating you from them is looser than it looks. If you’re not a shareholder it’s really best if you just get away.

So, I got an interesting recording from Fourest. If you’re new to Kakos Industries, then I should probably tell you that Fourest is probably a clone of me who the board would like to have take over the company in case something happens to me. He’s not a direct replacement. Anyway, two months ago I found out some interesting things about his cloning process and I shared them with all of you, and I think he’s butthurt about it. Here’s the recording.

FOUREST: Hi, Corin. I just wanted to let you know that I just got my hands on some very juicy documents about you. I know you’ve been searching for these for months and months, but I’m just that much better than you at everything, which includes research. I have here documents about your cloning process. It seems that you are in fact a clone, and not a quality one at that. It says here that they cloned you from cells taken from your grandfather’s anus. My, how embarrassing that must be for you. It would have been much better if you were cloned from a part of him that was less shameful, like his brain or his liver. But no, you’re a clone of anal cells. It goes further to say that they then tried as hard as they could to make your DNA worse. They added in dumb dumb stupid genes, Corin. I’m so sorry to have to tell you that. It’s what makes you so dumb dumb stupid. And Lame Gene 2. It’s what makes you so lame. Oh, and what’s this? Wow, Corin, did you know you’re 30% cockroach? And 40% E coli? That’s a poop germ, Corin. It is fitting given the origin of your DNA. Oh, and wow, you’re also 40% big dumb idiot, which may have been obvious from the dumb dumb stupid genes. It also says here you’re 10% potato. Now, it’s not for me to say, but I don’t think we should have potatoes running companies. It would be better for all of us if you stepped down, and by that I mean died horribly. Of course, I wouldn’t wish for such a thing, I’m merely recognizing the utility in such an event for all of us here at Kakos Industries. I say “horribly” because I respect you, Corin, and I would just want for your last moments on Earth to be filled with bright, mind-expanding intensity. It’s not for someone of your caliber to die quietly or peacefully. Oh, and it says here you’re also 90% DUMB DUMB STUPID DUMB STUPID FOOLISH AWFUL DUMB DUMB STUPID–

CORIN: Thank you for cutting that off, Soundman. He does go on like that for a while. It’s a rare show of emotion from him. I’m not sure if I think this is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, or the saddest. I suppose it’s capable of being both. I don’t know all of the details of Fourest’s upbringing, but it definitely seems like they skipped some subjects.

We recently had the Festivals of Somnambulation, Fertility, and Barbecue. As I mentioned last time, there was a massive pillow fight at this year’s Festival of Somnambulation. We had shaped pillows into basically every shape you could imagine relating to the weapons of war. We had flails, maces, clubs, swords, and axes, of course, but we also had catapults and trebuchets and ballistas. It was wild seeing people being thrown by a hurtling mass of polyester wrapped in cotton. If you have any bruises or injuries from the festival, now you know why. I’m sorry that you missed it, but it was wild to watch. 

As for the Festival of Fertility, we set up the basement ballroom to look like a warehouse store, then we staffed people at various sampling booths offering little cups full of sperm. There was a picture of what you might be able to expect from the genetics of the sample, and if you asked nicely, it could even be warmed up in the microwave at their station. That probably messed with the viability, but we had a lot to give out, so it didn’t really matter. As for the feast component, there were hotdogs available at the food court, as well as some stations offering samples of caesar salad. 

The Festival of Barbecue was great fun as always. This year’s event happened to coincide with a lot of non-sapient monster projects being euthanized all at once. Obviously, it’s sad when we have to eliminate a ton of our projects in this way, but it is unavoidable, and this year we were able to honor their sacrifice by making use of their nutritious parts. It was a great time as long as you didn’t ask too many questions about what you were eating. 

Coming up, we have the Festival of Books, and, of course, Halloween. We have an autumnal theme for the Festival of Books, though I am told we will also be making available Pumpkin Spicy Lover, which I am told is the slowest slow burn known to man, and incorporates as many social media tags as possible. Several people who have managed to get to the end have just exploded. Literally. 

As for Halloween, you know we’re going to do it up. Don’t worry about that. Just show up. You won’t be disappointed. 

I have some frustrating news about Kakophonia, the never ending music festival we started on the amphitheater lawn. There is now a comedy festival included in the music festival, which I have to point out is not in the spirit of the thing. What it is doing is letting the worrying theater kid contingent put on their improv shows. People are enjoying this as much as people enjoy improv shows, but I feel like I have to point out that this isn’t cool. Not like music. Rock’n’roll, you know. This is… Well, they’re aiming to be family friendly. Can you hear me sighing? I’m sighing.

Shareholders, there have been a lot of strange updates regarding the Matmos that I feel like I should share with you. To get any new shareholders caught up, the Matmos is a liquid, but it also has characteristics that make it sort of organism-like. It seems like it’s ability to think is dependent on the size of the pool, and that that ability to think can sometimes take a while as thoughts move from one end of the pool to another. Employees here at Kakos that have the Matmos inside of them share a connection that gives them some minor hivemind abilities. Anyway, one of our strangest employees, Kimmie, has been meddling for some time down in the pools, possibly as a scheme to get with (or get revenge on) certain members of the Matmos hivemind. For months now, the cloaked figures have been behaving strangely, swapping out one color of cloak for another, or just stitching together cloaks of rainbow colors, representing what we assume is a combination of many of the pools of Matmos that have been isolated for decades, or potentially centuries. As I’ve said before, this is politics that the Kakos Industries establishment does not get involved in. The Matmos is its own thing, and we collaborate where we can, but really we can’t get involved with its factions. Where it becomes our problem is when it affects our employees. I mentioned the cloak thing, which is only mildly a problem because if they’re to the level of Matmos involvement where they’re wearing a cloak, well, they weren’t showing up for work anyway. But… some of them have. Been showing up for work, I mean. Out of nowhere. After decades of absence in some cases. Just, showered, shaved, and in business attire. Obviously, many of them have been replaced, and this has led to some awkward moments, but others have been sorely missed, and were reintegrated into their jobs immediately, often without acknowledging the absence. We will let these individuals decide for themselves how they want to come to terms with any lost time they might be experiencing. Others have found that their divisions no longer exist, and in some cases, that their divisions experienced a TPK. Obviously, we’re providing some emotional support there, but partly as a means to gather more information about what long term exposure to the Matmos at that level is like. Then there’s Clarissa and Hedera. They’re my liaisons to the main Matmos pool supposedly, though they mostly refuse to do any work of any kind, including supporting their own bodies. They just sort of lie like puddles in the lobby outside my office. They don’t have to stay there. We would give them offices if they wanted, but I think they want maximum visibility for their apathy. Very cool. Anyway, they’ve recently started coming to work one day a week in business casual. They’ve had haircuts, and for that one day a week, they seem to style their hair. I think I’ve actually seen a hint of blush on them. They have set up desks in the lobby outside my office, and for that whole day, they seem to be taking notes and making phone calls. We’ve traced these phone calls to various offices around the building. From what we can tell, the calls are generally about issues actually relevant to the Matmos and employees who are part of that club. One day a week, and this shocks me to say, but they are actually doing their job. Any time I try to talk to them, they indicate that they are very busy catching up, which makes sense because they haven’t done what they were supposed to do in years. It is so shocking to see these two in khakis and polos. Kimmie sent me pictures of her experiments. She caught wind of my inquiries. She showed me little paths that she’s carved that slowly allow certain pools of Matmos to mix, and that includes with the large pool. She explained that just dumping buckets of the stuff into other pools requires first filling a bucket, which temporarily makes a new pool, which can be extremely painful to the people affiliated with that pool. So little trenches are what is necessary. This small amount of mixing has already done such strange things. I don’t know what her goals are, but I can imagine several, including some that are just beneficial to those being abused by their Matmos pools. Clarissa and Hedera have failed to comment, but they do look significantly poutier when I mention her name. Things are changing, but they’ll be damned before they lift a finger about them showing that they care about anything. I did ask Kimmie how she was achieving all of this with the cultists swarming the area trying to protect the status quo. She found an abandoned detention facility in the caverns and apparently she kidnapped them one at a time to lock up. She’s not working alone, either.

It’s now time for today’s Q&A Segment.  Today’s Q for me to A the fuck out of is “Where is the best place to be seen at Kakos Industries?” That depends on how you want to be seen, surely. We do occasionally have very fancy parties where people show up in high fashion and pose for pictures on a carpet. The carpet is black. We considered blood red, but it ended up not being the right fit for us. It’s a black carpet. The next such event is the Peemps and Hees ball. They are asking that you dress as either a Peemp or a Hee. To get ahead of your questions, no I don’t know what those are. Then there’s also different kinds of being seen. If you’re looking to satisfy your exhibitionism, then there’s the Division of Voyeurs who will watch you do whatever. They’re not a real division, for what it’s worth. It’s really more of a social club. We don’t pay them and you can’t get a job with them. That’s what I’m getting at. And if you want to be seen in yet another way, I would recommend hiring the services of Brosephus or one of his colleagues. His emotional capacity and intelligence are off the charts. Spend five minutes with the guy and you will be seen. Whether you want to be or not. 

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. The Satisficer has one complete function now for people who like to penetrate and it isn’t destroying anyone. This is extremely suspicious, and I couldn’t help noting that morale seems pretty low.

Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp, has discovered a variety of new minerals in the caves. None are quite as exciting as the glowing stones, but they have their uses. It seems for now that she is in an exploration phase and wants to see what else is available in those caverns before committing to mining again. Usually, we ask that the labor in the labor camp be pointless, but we can’t turn down fancy new minerals.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted The Meat Mass vs. The Meaty Morass. The trouble with these monsters is that they were never all that solid. Both appeared to be made from raw meat, and as they fought, they just kept losing mass. Where was the Festival of Barbecue back then? The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment did an outstanding job of recreating this meaty effect by attaching meat to the actors and flinging it around the set and into the audience. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has opened the trap door in basement 36-3. There’s nothing down there, but it is a lot more dangerous to walk over the trap door now. When I say there’s nothing down there, I mean it. One hundred foot drop. We put a cone on the hatch.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Wynona Grimbal recently placed eleventh in their annual competition. You might be asking yourself why she didn’t place first, and you see, beauty is subjective. Also, there’s a lot of politics involved. After the competition, Grimbal’s notes describe the activities as “lesbian bdsm dungeon”. Apparently the winner of the event is crowned Queen Domme, and then they have a bit of a kink night. After Grimbal’s performance in this event earned her the award for Best Brat, for which there was some competition, they finally decided she was ready to know about The Business. It’s a multilevel marketing scheme. Now that’s what I’m talking about. We can work with that. It’s not like we don’t already have lesbian bdsm night here at Kakos Industries. Second and fourth Thursdays if you’re curious. 

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting  Boitumelo Ayele  from the Division of Urban Exploration. This division was lost for almost two decades under the control of one of the Matmos pools, but they returned to work recently. They found the missing office for the Division of Optimism thanks to Ayele’s guidance. One person in the division was still alive even. Really just hanging on. Keeping hope alive. Thank you for your hard work Boitumelo Ayele.

They say that Evil once exhumed the body only to hide more valuables with it and bury it again. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we are taking credit for a beautiful vista, unspoiled nature, and the endless march of industry. Now, we can’t know for certain that we are responsible for these things. Well, in this case we can. We’ve got the receipts on this one. Feel free to not believe us, but damn are you wrong. It’ll catch up with you eventually. 

Jamie Bee (jay-me B) has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Jamie Bee’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Algernon Periwinkler. We gave the Wheel of Misery a confident spin and it landed on the space for Aware. This is another one of those where you think, awareness isn’t that bad, right? Just wait until you’re so aware you can’t ignore the everyday mundane horrors surrounding you. This will be the plight of Algernon Periwinkler. What’s worse, Periwinkler might have to confront just how silly the name Algernon Periwinkler is. For Evil measure, Jamie Bee will be 14% less aware, which has its own problems. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere wearing clown costumes. This is too on brand, I think. It makes too much sense. It works too well. And it’s not messy, so I like it.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. I would turn the box fan off soon or the grill may come loose and the sharpened blades may become an issue. Put it outside and we will collect it with all of your charitable donations to the Kakos Industries charity thrift shop. I have a number of things I need to keep looking into, shareholders, but my attention for the next few weeks will be on our Halloween festivities. I look forward to seeing you all there. The numbers are next.

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33

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43

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RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, a procedural cop drama taking place under Lake Superior.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who decided it was probably better to identify and do a study on the bones before allowing construction to continue. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has begun knitting the stones that will be used to construct the first story of the castle. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a rare variant of the compact disc that uses lasers on both sides. One side reads the disk, the other side shines the laser in your eyes. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by promising you a kiss if you get your work done more quickly.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Farm to Table to Floor. “The wait staff throwing your food on the floor was thrilling though frustrating. 6/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on Simulation and Simula-crumbs. The book eventually replaces food with a tour of a factory that makes plastic food for toys.  The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They are currently listening to vintage nu-metal CDs that skip like crazy. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked a series of corvids from largest to smallest. Payment will be demanded for this service. The Division of Things That Have Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches, directed by Her Foxiness Miss Dr Indigo J S Vulpes XIII, Esq. has put a switch on a tree. When the switch is off, it isn’t a tree. What it is, well, you’re better off not knowing.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in office 3443. It is the only office not known to have shifted in the last three decades. It is also empty for clerical reasons. The Division of Unnecessary Competitions, Directed by Mike A, has organized a kick between the legs contest. How many can you take? And still get back to work after? The Division of Deeth Divination, directed by Jack Delancey, watched Corin pick up a penny on floor 37, which indicates interesting financial times ahead. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you , pay attention to the rise and fall of your chest with morbid fascination.