in which Soundman and Corin avoid eye contact, you feel a tickle in your ear, Junior gets some important information, and Sivia “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear is wanton, deleterious and petty.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients and, through trickle down Evil, everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Last time, shareholders, I recounted for you the end of the saga regarding the rogue sex robot. The new one. I know there was one a while ago, but this one was different. Suffice it to say that it was not exactly what you would call a bonding moment and Soundman Steven and I are still having trouble making eye contact. Once you’ve seen someone in a situation like that, you know them in a way that perhaps you didn’t want to. I am glad that it didn’t happen during a broadcast for that reason. What’s that Soundman? Yes, I know what jinxing is. Okay, fine, I’ll knock on wood. It’s not going to happen just because I said so, you know? And Soundman, I know that you are a professional and you would do the right thing and mute the audio were such a situation to arise. I know your job is to faithfully broadcast the announcements. How do you define announcements, Soundman? Obviously anything relevant to my notes here, and then you can be selective about the rest. Soundman, I can confidently say that if I am ever in the throes of ecstasy sitting in this chair, I would expect that you mute the mic. Right, I suppose you might have done that before. Okay. I’m glad we had this chat. You will mute it, right? Okay. Just checking. You have to. Well, here’s to hoping that doesn’t happen shareholders. We have had some developments with regards to the Cult of Ohh Ahh and the rogue members of the Division of Erotic Experiences. The members of the cult who were at all associated with the branch that worshipped this sex robot have gone back into hiding. This is of course a thing that we will never be truly rid of, but not having an active outbreak of doomsday sex cult behavior is preferable. The people we have in custody have been isolated until the therapists can get them successfully deprogrammed. We are still looking into how the robot was able to get into people’s heads, but so far it appears to be an extremely complicated form of wave manipulation that can have very specific effects on cells in certain regions of the brain. As I said, it’s very complicated, but that does seem to be why the robot wasn’t communicating in words so much as feelings. I have a lot more to talk about, but for now, let’s get on with the announcements. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from cuddly earwigs. You have probably heard at some point the old tale that earwigs get their name from crawling in ears, which they are extremely unlikely to do. Well, most of them are. These ones, they love crawling into ears, but only because we engineered them to be like that. At the appropriate time, this earwig found its way onto your body, and then into your ear. You might be thinking, well, thank Evil it’s a robotic earwig and not a real bug in my ear right now. If so, I have bad news for you. These earwigs are in fact real earwigs. They are bugs. In your ears. And we made them into antennae for these announcements. This radio comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Ears and Hedda’s Wigs. You might be thinking that only one of those two groups sounds like they have anything to do with radios or hearing, but Hedda has a lot of interesting hobbies in addition to wigmaking. I am told that the audio quality is a bit squishy with some high frequency chittery distortion. That being said, you should be able to hear me just fine. That is, if you’re a shareholder. I have to emphasize that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders, and if you aren’t one, then this earwig is about to burrow even deeper, through your ear drum, where it will then eat your brain from the inside. But don’t panic. It is extremely unlikely that the earwig found its way into the ear of someone who isn’t a shareholder. If you didn’t know you were a shareholder, then you do now. Or, you won’t know much of anything soon. 

We recently had the Festival of Self Love. After the rogue sex robot and rogue Division of Erotic Experiences members gave many in the building an unexpected and very public experience of erotic ecstasy, we decided to tone it back a bit for this installment. We waited until all of you were in private before we cued The Moment. You were alone somewhere, which was beneficial, because what we engineered next was a toe-curling, scream-out-loud completion that may have left you panting and disoriented. We didn’t do this through mind control, just through subtle suggestion. You saw what you needed to see, you heard what you needed to hear, and then you felt what you needed to feel to bring this about all on your own. Thank you for celebrating with us, shareholders.

Coming up, we have the Pajama Festival, the Festival of Brightly Colored Hats, the Festival of Toast, and the CEO Festival of the Dance. Being that the first three festivals on the list are left over from some strange coincidences some years ago, we’re not investing as much in them as we could. Obviously, many of you love the pajama festival in particular, so we will make it possible for you to come to the building in your pjs, eat a bowl of cereal, and watch some cartoons before getting on your way to your real adult job. The CEO Festival of the Dance will once again be a complete shitshow, I am confident. 

The Kakophonia music festival continues to fuel itself with stranded band members and die hard festival fans who are now being promoted to key operations positions. I am told that we are preparing to have a number of noise sets this weekend. The draw may not be that big, but it will be a decent palate cleanser. 

I had a brain wave a few weeks ago, shareholders, and I decided that, since I can’t read the archives and learn everything I need to know without risking serious madness, I should instead delegate the task. You might be wondering who I could delegate this task to, and the answer is almost anyone as I am the CEO of this company. That being said, I prefer not to go too hard against anyone’s job descriptions. People get cranky when you do that too often. And also, this job is dangerous. I prefer not to think of employees, even new employees, even employees who have proven themselves useless time and time again, as disposable. And also Violet has reached her maximum exposure for the year. So I asked the Tabithas. Not the clones. The other ones. The ones that have adopted the name and ambitions of the clone Tabithas. There’s a lot more of them. At first, one of the lead Tabithas asked me why she would do any actual work for me. Of course, I remember that the Tabithas who work as my secretaries rarely do any actual work. Well, except for the one who does, but I think her name is a coincidence. I should probably look into that. My plan could have been foiled right there. They are only interested in crossing sexual boundaries with me, and not with anything job-related. But this is where the second part of the plan comes in. I told them that it was a dominance thing. I told them that they had been very bad and needed to be punished. And the way I was going to do that was by bringing them to the brink of madness. Just to the brink. I believe there’s a term for that. The lead Tabitha thought about it for a moment and decided that did sound kind of sexy and then she brought this to the rest of the Tabithas. They apparently had a big meeting. There was a vote. I won. The next day the archives were packed with oddly dressed people named Tabitha. I say oddly dressed. It was a combination of basically every costume you could purchase from a sex shop. We had some school girls, we had latex cat suits, we had… regular cat suits, I guess. Some nurses, some police officers. That last one freaked some people out. As a rule, we don’t let cops in the building, and probably not for the reason you might think. Sure we have a lot to hide from various government authorities. But also we don’t just let the competition wander around the building. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. The Tabithas started to do research for me. They would come to me in the following days and weeks with bloody noses in their costumes and they would present me with certain facts that might be relevant to my research into… well… me. I had to have yet another Tabitha filter the information. When her nose started to bleed, I asked her for her assessment. Unfortunately, after risking the lives of dozens of people, I didn’t get a whole lot more to go on. But that’s not to say that I didn’t make any progress. I got a note from the older of the three known Tabitha clones saying “I hate to see Those Ones go through this. These documents might help.” As before we have no specific records relating to you. And there before me, I had folders of research notes from Tabitha prime, particularly notes related to her work with cloning for Kakos Industries. There were two folders that were less-heavily redacted. Those are for Junior and Fourest. I don’t think anyone is surprised to know that Junior and Fourest are clones. It seems that the amount of DNA that was given to the Tabithas to undergo these projects was somewhat limited. In the case of Junior, it was because they knew large chunks were going to be replaced with DNA from other organisms and experiments. With Fourest, it seems possible that they had to fill in quite a few blanks the best they could. I think we all suspect that they cut some corners. Alternatively, perhaps the board, who did sponsor his creation, specified changes they wanted made. Also, in the case of Fourest, it says that the source DNA was from Corin Deeth without specifying which one, and the timing works out… so… Fourest might be my clone. I guess that’s also not surprising based on the resemblance. He’s only a year or two younger than me as far as I can tell. The redacted projects have enough information exposed for me to determine that they are not about me. It would also seem likely that they would know none of these are about me or they wouldn’t have run those tests some months ago. This file I’ve picked out here is particularly interesting. It does indicate that the child was assigned female at birth, and should be about eleven, but… I don’t think she is. It lists Mary Handy as the surrogate and partial genetic donor for those pesky gaps. The other ones are too young to be me, at least I’m pretty sure. Some of these… well, unless they were using old samples, they’d have to be from me. Kakos Industries as a company, of course, has full access to my genetic code and can do what they want with it. It appears that they want to work with the Tabithas for their expertise, but they’ve made some interesting decisions with regards to withholding information for safety’s sake. It also appears that they won’t let board members directly access the information either.

I had a casual hang out date with the middle Tabitha in what I’m pretty sure is a coffee shop she owns, and I asked her why she couldn’t get me this information instead of her older sister. She said she doesn’t have access. That’s not what she was assigned to do. She isn’t taking over the cloning business. That’s her older sister, and maybe her younger sister. She explained that it’s better for all of them if she focuses on business interests. 

The interesting bonus from having these documents is that I was able to give the other Tabithas better instructions, and they were able to find birth records for Junior and Fourest. And… Also me. The thing is that these records don’t list parents. They just list witnesses. In all three cases, they just list my grandfather and Grace. Not much to go on, but it’s nice to have confirmation of your birthday, I guess.

JUNIOR: Corin.

CORIN: Oh, hi, Junior. Are you here to scold me for continuing to search?

JUNIOR: I should be. But I am not.

CORIN: Oh. What’s going on then?

JUNIOR: I heard that you have… lab notes.

CORIN: I do. Which ones are you referring to?

JUNIOR: Which ones do you think?

CORIN: Right, here’s your folder. Don’t you know all of this already?

JUNIOR: I know that I was modified. It’s obvious to anyone with any external senses of any kind that I was modified. But… There are details I do not know.

CORIN: Aren’t you concerned this might be dangerous? All the warnings you gave me about learning too much? Any of that coming to mind?

JUNIOR: There are things I need to know, Corin. This is different. You know what you are, even if you don’t always know who. I, on the other hand, only have hints and suspicions. 

CORIN: You don’t know what else was in the mix.

JUNIOR: Not everything. They wanted to make me Evil, of course. Which I am. More Evil than you by a long shot. But as I understand it, this was less of a science and more of an art form. 

CORIN: Anything jumping out at you?

JUNIOR: Rhinoceros! I fucking knew it!

CORIN: Why?

JUNIOR: That’s private. 

CORIN: Oh. Okay.

JUNIOR: There are a number of experimental gene constructs here. I may be able to find the original studies. Maybe even the original scientists. Some of these references I’ve seen before, perhaps in the documentation for the little ones. 

CORIN: You might be more closely related, then.

JUNIOR: It is likely that they represent updated versions of the constructs they used to make me. We will always be related in spirit, but perhaps there is something to learn from the family tree after all. 

CORIN: What is it you think you’re going to learn?

JUNIOR: Corin, when you go to a doctor, they know basically what’s going on with you. You’re human.

CORIN: We assume.

JUNIOR: You’re human. I know that much. Anyway, when I go to the doctor, when I have a problem of any kind, I certainly have access to amazing minds that can do amazing things within the realm of medical science. But to say that they actually know what they’re doing? That would be difficult. I had an issue with my elbow some years ago. Now I have this long scar. It would seem that my elbows work differently from standard human elbows and they had to keep cutting just to figure out what was going on.

CORIN: And with this information you might have more to go on. 

JUNIOR: I suspect it will be important in the future. I have been lucky with my health thus far, but who knows what will happen.

CORIN: I didn’t know that this is what I was looking for, but I guess I’m glad I found it. 

JUNIOR: I have done a similar work up for the little ones. The more information they have the better. My documentation was older and harder to find.

CORIN: I’m assuming the Tabitha records are more easily searched than the Kakos Industries archives. 

JUNIOR: Thank you, Corin.

CORIN: I’m glad I was able to help. Do you suppose we should give Fourest his info as well?

JUNIOR: What? No. Fuck that guy. 

CORIN: That was my thought. 

JUNIOR: Let me see his file. Maybe I can find the experiment that led to nuclear level smugness. 

CORIN: Have a look.

JUNIOR: Well, that’s interesting.

CORIN: I know.

JUNIOR: This is all normal stuff. Normal human stuff.

CORIN: Yeah. 

JUNIOR: So he’s… just like that?

CORIN: Apparently.

JUNIOR: Is this a nurture thing? 

CORIN: No idea. There might be something redacted that makes more of this make sense.

JUNIOR: It is somehow more horrifying if he’s… just like that.

CORIN: I agree. 

JUNIOR: He might just be a straight up clone.

CORIN: It’s possible. 

JUNIOR: That must feel strange.

CORIN: It would lend credibility to the old man’s resistance to letting the board raise an heir to the company. 

JUNIOR: Fuck. But not for the grace of… something, I suppose. 

CORIN: Potentially the grace of Grace.

JUNIOR: Right. Well, thank you for these documents, Corin. There is certainly not generations of medical evidence about beings like myself, but this is more information than I had.

CORIN: I honestly thought you had it or I would have said something sooner. 

JUNIOR: Yes, of course. I have much to consider. Goodbye for now. 

CORIN: Talk to you soon.

It’s time for today’s Q&A Segment. Your question is “Where is the most dangerous place in the building?” That is a highly contentious question, and I don’t hope to be able to give you a comprehensive breakdown. I can only mention some of the most dangerous right now. Tomorrow, anything could change. A leading contender for the most dangerous place is the Nuclear Catastrophe Basement where we had a minor meltdown some years ago. The elevators skip it entirely, there’s a long hallway taking you some kilometers away from the building proper, and it is completely sealed off, so it’s not easy to get in there, but if you did, it would be really bad news. There’s also the Garbage Destructor, which turns anything that enters it into a fine powder or sludge. Then there’s Ansel Jess’s office in the Division of Incredibly Boring Things. He can tell a story. Not everyone keeps their heart beating all the way through them.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. As we know, they have been working on a sex toy called the Satisficer, which is intended to be able to get anyone off any which way they desire. The issue is that this is a lot of work. Adding to the complications is the fact that they all seem to be on board with making the sex toy more reminiscent of a TTRPG OC called Xylathee the Malignatrix. Making things even more complicated… they made a baby Xylathee. I mentioned they were too quiet last time. This is why. I warned them about this and they still did it. We took the baby monster into our care where it will be raised with the other baby monsters for obvious reasons. The Division of Erotic Experiences is currently undergoing some mandatory training and reeducation and hopefully they can do what they’re supposed to when they complete the courses. I’ll make sure we make notes about the genetic modifications to form a medical profile for the infant.

The researchers in our Hell labor camp are still trying to excavate the glowing rock fossils that were discovered down there. This will take a while. In the meantime, Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp, has gotten back to work. She has been starting some new mining operations that are exciting for all of us. 

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted The Prophylactic Paladin vs. Condoom. As we all know, Condoom is classified as a heel, and isn’t ever really supposed to win. The Prophylactic Paladin sealed the deal with its signature move, the Simultaneous Finisher. The audience made sure to use their designated tarps when the time… came. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has just opened a locked mixed CD. Unfortunately, the data has completely decomposed on the disc. The sharpie label tells us it was “medium jams for my medium babe.” We will likely never know what that means. Perhaps we need a Division for Figuring Out What All of These Words Mean. 

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Wynona Grimbal has moved up one rank in The MIss Belle of the Ball Pageant. Last time, she told us that after the fights, the women who compete both in terms of beauty and blood-thirstiness just sort of make out. Now that she’s the next level up, apparently there are meetings about beauty standards after which there is yet more making out. We are confident that this secret society is up to something other than hiding sapphic romances, but we haven’t exactly seen the evidence yet. Gaining control over a fight club would still be worthwhile, but we’d rather focus on a criminal endeavor of some sort. 

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Vita Chantal from the Division of Collectibles for designing that new card game that has made us so much money. I’m told it’s competitive, and the theme is robot breakdancing. Thank you for all that you do, Vita Chantal.

They say that Evil once left it out all night and then put it in the fridge in the morning without telling anyone. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for the voice of reason, the voice of your better nature, and the voice you actually listen to. Of course, we can’t know for sure that we are responsible for these things, but we are claiming that we are, and it is in your best interest to believe us. Especially when you have a genetically engineered bug in your ear that is capable of eating your whole damn brain. 

Sivia has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Sivia’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Moosomo. We gave the Wheel of Misery a promiscuous spin and it landed on the space for Grounded. In many parts of our lives, it’s important to be grounded, and often a chore to stay grounded. In other parts of our lives, it would be better for us to be able to dream. Moosomo will be 18% more grounded, which is just enough to cause problems. Sivia, for Evil measure, will be 18% more groundless, which is also a problem of a different nature. Congratulations on the win and best of luck. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere wearing stamps. Like postage stamps. Like the kind you have to lick. This is actually the most expensive getup I’ve seen them in. We have some philatelists following them around to see if any of their pieces are valuable. They’ve been leaving them everywhere behind them just stuck to everything.

This brings us to the end of this broadcast shareholders. My search for answers obviously continues. I hope that Junior is able to find what he is looking for. In the meantime, I might make the non-clone Tabithas keep looking through the archives for some other important records, though I will slow the pace in accordance with what the eldest Tabitha clone requested. The weird thing is that a lot of them really seem to enjoy this work for one reason or another. Anyway, the earwig will find its way out when the time is right. The odds are very slim that this will be through your ear drum and not out the other way. The numbers are next.

18

48

98

78

8

8

28

84

4

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, a Femme  Fatale who also does the action parts.

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CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who finished everyone’s drinks so they could go home. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has begun knitting the moat around the dark foreboding castle. First things first. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a series of outdated maps that fail to show certain real places, but more interestingly show some places that are harder to find. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by blowing whistles at set intervals throughout the day.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Shawarma Swarm. “The shawarma is coming at you from everywhere, but it is delicious. 17/20”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on Cook This Book. The book claims to be edible and suggests unique ways for preparing each page.  The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They are currently listening to echoes of water dripping. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked like a lot of clams. It was both easier and harder than it seems. The Division of Things That Have Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches, directed by Her Foxiness Miss Dr Indigo J S Vulpes XIII, Esq. has put a switch on a box of snack crackers. When the switch is off, some say that the crackers taste worse.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the lobby of the sky dock. Very few people know the sky dock is there, except the people who work there. Kakos Industries hasn’t received a zeppelin at the dock in many decades. The Division of Unnecessary Competitions, Directed by Mike A, has organized a sack race for every employee to take part in. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you, have you tried singing to a bowl?