In which Violet does some light reading, Corin tries to get her help, and Plutho “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Ryan:What you are about to hear is glassy and chimey with creamy mids.

Corin: Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients and most people whether they want to believe it or not to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Last time, I had the honor of celebrating my eleventh anniversary serving all of you as CEO, and we got to recap the Shareholders’ Ball, but otherwise it was a relatively uneventful broadcast. While I’m not hoping for any big, strange occurrences today, I will let you know that I have one of my agent’s doing some research for me down in the archives and we might get some information during the broadcast if we’re lucky. We shall return to that soon. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the fluid in your spine. You ever get that thing where you can hear bubbles or maybe just some creaking in the back of your neck, well, that’s how this broadcast is getting to you. Over the last few weeks we’ve been perfecting the formulation of your cerebrospinal fluid to receive these announcements. Astute listeners might be thinking, but what does that mean about my spinal fluid? Are there foreign chemicals in there? Should I be worried? And the answer is yes, you should always be worried. There is always something to be worried about. But we are unsure if you should be worried about your spine juice. Let me put it this way, part of this process relies on you already having a certain amount of microplastics in your body, and we didn’t put those there. At least not just now. Maybe a while ago. Anyway, a few moments ago you started to hear that fluid moving in your neck, but instead of the usual bubbles and squeaks, you started to hear these announcements. I am told that this radio comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Carbonation and Quentonshire’s fine bodily fluids. I am told that the audio quality is surprisingly high for what they had to do to get the signal into your body directly. I should also mention that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re hearing these announcements and you’re not a shareholder, then welcome aboard. Or stop denying it. One or the other. We did not go through this process for anyone not a shareholder, and it would be extremely difficult for someone to hear these announcements without having been properly prepared. And if you are hearing these announcements and you weren’t properly prepared, then there is a significant risk of your brain evaporating in the next few minutes. Sorry about that, I guess. 

We recently had The Celebration of Affirmation, that time when we make sure to appreciate those around us and ourselves for being just as Evil as we are. We welcomed many of you down into the basement ballroom and then we drew numbers. We paired you up based on those numbers and you had to just keep affirming one another. You had to keep complimenting. You had to keep reminding that other person that they were Evil. Then we switched up. We kept the switching fast enough that you weren’t likely to run out of things to say and ruin the experience for someone else. By the fifth or sixth rotation, you had stolen the best compliments from other people, but that was not against the rules. The Evil in me sees the Evil in you, shareholders.

The Celebration of Sound was one of those festivals that we really should have tried earlier, but we didn’t. It came from the book of anytime festivals we can use any time.  We couldn’t just use any space for this celebration of course. The acoustics in the basement ballroom are a bit too dead. It absorbs sound so you don’t go deaf from everyone chattering in an enclosed space. We needed to use a different space. So we reopened the Kakos Chapel. The history of the Kakos Chapel is a bit murky. It is certainly very church- or temple-like. It has the feeling of an old, dusty place of worship, but it’s not clear what was worshipped there or why. The most recent records we have indicate that it was used for a lot of weddings, but again, there are no notes about anything sacred being included. We’ve looked into the officiants of the weddings, and they were from all over the place spiritually speaking. The architecture is seemingly gothic, which you probably guessed already. Anyway, when you start to chant in there, the chants hang around. They sit there and they get louder and louder. They build upon themselves. Soon, the stained glass windows begin to rattle. The whole place feels like its shaking. You start to worry what will happen if you continue chanting, but you’re less afraid of that than of what will happen if you stop chanting. It was loud. It was deep. We felt it in our cores. I don’t think any of us will soon forget the Celebration of Sound.

We also held hands around the Big Black Hole, where our New York location used to be. We all stood around the hole just appreciating that sometimes Evil science disasters can be interesting learning experiences. Sometimes they leave us with interesting big holes in the ground with uncertain terminations at the other end. At times it has taken you to distant countries. At other times, the hole has produced a mound of dirt, negating its status as a hole. This time, it seemed pretty deep like it usually is. As I promised, we set up a crane over the opening and we let some of you bungee jump into the hole. Why? There were a lot of requests. Why you would want to do that, I don’t know, but it’s not for me to judge. For most people, jumping into the big black hole was pretty uneventful. I mean, it was probably thrilling in many ways to fall into a dark, unknowable abyss, but otherwise uneventful. For Lyla Shoe, it was much more eventful. She went down, just as she was supposed to. Eventually her screams of joy were cut short, and the bungee rope came back up with no one attached. This process was instantaneous. There wasn’t enough time for her to unbelt all of the fastenings. For a few moments we thought we would never hear from her again. Then, she appeared behind us, dressed differently, soaking wet, and visibly a few years older. She said she didn’t ever want to talk about it, which is the kind of request you have to respect. After that, no one wanted to jump into the hole, so we disassembled the bungee setup and went our separate ways. 

Coming up, we have  The Darkest Universe Festival. This is the festival where we gather together and try to manifest the darkest universe with our thoughts. A strange idea occurred to me recently, which is unsettling, and poses a strange question. Let’s just assume for a second that we are in the darkest Universe. We would still have to have this Festival every year, right? We would never truly know. And there would always be a chance that we might end up slipping out of that top spot if we ever eased up. So, in some ways, our behaviour in this festival isn’t significantly different from what we would experience in the Darkest Universe. That’s kind of neat, if you ask me.

We also have The Nudity Festival coming up. We’ve decided this year that we will ask everyone to attend the nudity festival in person, but we’ve decided to create a space where the act of being nude seems transgressive. There is a shopping mall due to be torn down soon. We’re going to be naked at the mall, just like that nightmare you had that one time. At the very least, it will teach us something about ourselves. 

CORIN: Shareholders, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve put someone I trust in charge of taking a look through the archives for certain information. As you can understand there’s a lot going on down there and knowing too much can be an extreme hazard, but I know that the person I put in charge will handle the dangers expertly. Let’s check in on her.

VIOLET: Hello, Mr. Deeth?

CORIN: Hi, Violet. Shareholders, you remember Violet Trudge. She seems to work harder than anyone here at Kakos Industries. She’s also on the board of numerous Evil organizations serving on behalf of Kakos Industries. Also, she’s been helping me with a number of other inquiries, as you might remember from Halloween. How goes the search through the archives, Violet?

VIOLET: Well, I’m only in the section for AB. 

CORIN: What do you mean?

VIOLET: Well, there’s this thing called alphabetization. I am currently in the section for files that begin with the letters AB. You see, many years ago, there was a civilization called the Romans and they made what they call an alphabet.

CORIN: Stop. I know all of that. What do you mean you’re only in the section for AB?

VIOLET: Well, Corin, I don’t know how many times you’re going to send me down here, so I figured I would just read the whole thing.

CORIN: I only asked you to find relevant files. You should be able to search for them without reading the entire archive. 

VIOLET: But it’s far less efficient that way. This way, I’ll just know everything and then I can answer whatever questions you may have at a later date.

CORIN: But that’s dangerous, Violet. There’s a lot of information down there that can actually kill you. Just by knowing it.

VIOLET: Nothing is going to kill me, Mr. Deeth. I have all of the information compartmentalized in my mind. It’s completely separate from the part of my mind that can understand the information or dwell on it. 

CORIN: Is it healthy to… do that?

VIOLET: Is it healthy to spend eight hours a day slouching in front of a computer monitor? Is it healthy to exist?

CORIN: Just because some things are unhealthy doesn’t mean that they are equally unhealthy. Multiple people have died reading documents in the archives.

VIOLET: I’m sure I will learn all about that when I get to the W section, which I assume will cover WEAKLINGS.

CORIN: Violet, I don’t know how you’ve made it this far without running afoul of something like this before. 

VIOLET: Oh, I know plenty of things. I know things that would destroy most people. But I keep those things sealed away tight. 

CORIN: You can’t protect yourself from your own mind. This stuff has a way of… coming out.

VIOLET: And then I PUT IT BACK. It’s really not that hard.

CORIN: You never have, like, a bad dream?

VIOLET: You can’t have nightmares if you don’t sleep.

CORIN: Right. Well… how long do you think it will take you to read the entire archive? There’s a lot down there.

VIOLET: Well, I won’t know if I keep getting distracted. 

CORIN: I was just calling to check up.

VIOLET: It’s not just you. It’s all these archivists, too. They keep trying to stop me and I keep having to convince them to let me continue.

CORIN: How exactly are you doing that?

VIOLET: Hand to hand combat. What else?

CORIN: Please stop fighting with the archivists. They’re just trying to do their jobs.

VIOLET: THEN LET ME DO MINE.

CORIN: Talk to you later, Violet.

It’s time for the segment where I answer some of your questions about Kakos Industries. Today’s question is: “Where am I?” Okay. I guess I can tell you, but you can’t ask me how I know. You are currently in Hallway 44-3, which tends to loop in on itself repeatedly. You’ve been there for a really long time. You might not even remember how long you’ve been there, but that is where you are. The vending machine on that floor has a strange glitch where it just spits out random snacks every hour or so, which is convenient, though unrelated. That’s been keeping you going. We know you’re there. We know how you got there. We know how long you’ve been there. What we don’t know is how to get you out. We could try to send someone in, sure. Even tie a big rope around them. Make dozens of other people hold hands with that person to create a chain of observation along the way so things can’t switch around so easily unobserved. It won’t work. We’ve tried it before for people more important than you. We can’t do anything for you. Fortunately, the vending machine seems to always be stocked up. You can make it quite a while, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to find your own way out some day. We have hope for you. Perhaps not belief, but hope, certainly. In a building where a hallway can loop in on itself endlessly, just about anything is possible. Keep at it.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. After their seemingly unanimous decision that Xylathee the Malignatrix was the ideal model for not only the Satisficer sex toy but also what is most sex, we decided it would be smart to get some fresh blood into the Division. Bring in some diverse opinions and tastes. Maybe include a wider variety of people so that we can really be sure that the Satisficer is as broadly applicable as it should be. If you’re scratching your head about who Xylathee the Malignatrix is, then you’re not alone. I have mentioned this before, but Xylathee was created as part of a role playing campaign for one of the employees, Gilbert Bleak, in the Division of Erotic Experiences, and since then it seems they have taken on a life of its own. The trouble is, even with all of those new people on board, they had agreed once again that Xylathee is the goal for everything the Division is currently doing. Look, I’ve seen the pictures. Xylathee has a whole lot going on if you’re into that sort of thing. Horns, a long tongue, many arms, many legs, many different kinds of between the legs situations, just a bunch of breasts. But I haven’t been swayed. I don’t look at these pictures and think, damn, that’s the perfect sex partner. I think, “that’s a horny demon OC”. Nothing wrong with that, but it seems foolish to let that be the beginning and ending of what sex should be. People have been drawing horny demons for years, millenia really. We even have some beings working around the building that look a bit like Xylathee. Maybe that’s an ignorant thing to say, but the basic elements are there. Maybe not so many arms or tentacles, but we’ve made some interesting monsters. No one is banging down the door of those monsters because they are the sexiest thing to ever have breathed. Well, not an entire division. Anyway, the Satisficer is now demonic purple. Everyone loves the color. We may need to expand the team further. Or maybe I just let them go and not worry about it. Oh, and the device now has a leather tail with a barb at the end. Everyone asked for that, obviously.

There was an ear-shattering, cacophonous sound of orgasmic pleasure that came from one of our basement hallways the other day. This is exactly the kind of thing we have been worried about hearing or detecting in some way since that team from the Division of Erotic Experiences went rogue and all those bodies started to show up. Emergency services rushed toward the source of the sound. After some searching around, they were able to find the source and save a dozen lives. There were people all around an old disused laboratory connected to various machinery. Many of their bodies showed signs of convulsions and electrical burns. All the same, the sound we recorded was undoubtedly one of great pleasure. Whatever had made them feel so great, though, had vanished already. We have been able to talk to some who survived, but their descriptions of the thing were varied and confusing. It seemed as though the experience had impacted their short term memory. They seemed to agree that it was technological in nature, but it moved like a sea creature. The rest of the descriptions… well, you would think it was everything all at once.

I have some news from Hell. Okay, the glowing rocks that have been making everyone speak in tongues, etc., are psychedelic. I know that’s an unsatisfying answer. If this were a work of fiction, I would suggest that you would think it bad writing. But it’s the case. The more interesting part, though, is why. Apparently, these glowing rocks are made from an organism that fossilized a long time ago. We can’t say for certain what it looked like or how it behaved, but the rocks contain some strange residual essence. There are structures in the glowing stones reminiscent of brain tissue and when inhaled, they can interfere with the human brain in weird ways. Some of the people on the surface who experienced these hallucinations were separated from their glowing stones and eventually came down and were able to describe what they saw. Strange creatures, strange plants, a larger moon, and a number of other bizarre sights that defy words. We’ve gone down to the Hell labor camp and quarantined everyone. It seriously takes like a month for this stuff to clear your system. That’s a potent psychedelic for sure. We may have a use for that. We believe now that in life this creature likely used chemicals or parts of itself to communicate with other organisms, and this feature of its biology has remained even in this solidified form. That does mean that the language we heard may have just been gibberish. It may have also been a language belonging to this creature. There’s some idea that this might be in the Donut-Matmos realm of slow moving life. It may be a number of other things as well. We are studying it more closely. 

Speaking of the Matmos, it seems that the hooded figures in the light blue cloaks and the hooded figures in the green cloaks have started to interact with each other more. Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the largest Matmos pool, seem to think this is unusual. Highly unusual. They are blaming this development on The Wretch, AKA Kimmie, that employee of Kakos Industries that seems to be on payroll just to mess with things. We are all curious where this goes.

Also, speaking of the Matmos, we have continued to research the Donut, the rock-like formation I removed from the Matmos some time ago. We shocked the hell out of it with high voltage electricity some time back and it absolutely hated that. It did make its molecules move faster, almost as though it were melting. We’ve tried to apply gentler stimulus. The people communicating with the Donut are doing their best to tell it that we are shorter lived creatures than it and that we need it to move faster to understand it better. It seems to be somewhat on board with that. We asked if it had any important advice to give us. It replied “be careful what you wish for.”

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted The Uninvited Guest versus The Haunting Stranger. These monsters are both somewhat difficult to describe, really. They were never photographed, and the drawings based on descriptions vary wildly. What we know about the Uninvited Guest was that it seemed to show up at strange times and loom over small towns. It could block traffic and just sort of assert itself. The townspeople would be aware of it, but powerless to do anything. The Haunting Stranger worked differently. It was enormous and difficult to describe also, but it would hide during the day. It would attempt to be just on the periphery of your vision. It would sneak up on you by hiding in plain sight. One time, in 1932, these two monsters apparently ended up in the same town with the same goals, and as such, they had to duke it out for supremacy. Much like the real fight, the Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment had their people in monster costumes fight for a time, cause all kinds of damage to the small town, and then disappear, leaving everyone to wonder who had won, or perhaps just what had actually happened. Neither monster has been spotted since. I doubt we’ll see a second reenactment either. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has found a lock that is used to unlock a key. Inside of the key was a used toothpick. 

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Our efforts to infiltrate the Miss Belle of the Ball Pageant have been moving ahead. One of our operatives, a Wynona Grimbal, has apparently been invited to be part of one of the fight nights. Wynona has sharp cheekbones, and a really wide, strong jaw, in addition to being beauty queen material. She has that rare combination of classical femininity and a look like she could take a punch, spit blood, and smile before wrecking your whole shit. It’s no wonder that she was the first from our group to be invited to the fight club. Hopefully her training will serve her well, and she will begin to make progress with this organization.

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are honoring Dervis McLerroy from the division of secret silos. The silo is still safe. It has to remain safe. Always. It can never be compromised. We cannot tell you what it is, but it needs constant maintenance. That’s Dervis’s job. Thank you for what you do, Dervis. 

CORIN: Just wanted to check in one more time, Violet. Make sure everything’s okay.

VIOLET: WHere am I? Why is there blood on my face?

CORIN: I assume you’re still in the archives. The blood I can’t say.

VIOLET: I am in the archives. There’s blood all over this book. (tasting sounds) It’s my blood.

CORIN: Are you okay?

VIOLET: The evidence would suggest that there was a battle. It likely took place in my head. A real nasty thought, apparently.

CORIN: Are you okay, though?

VIOLET: What a silly question. It would seem, Mr. Deeth, that you may have been right about these texts. It seems that I ran across a really nasty one and my mind protected me by physically expelling the thought and wiping my memory for the last ten minutes or so.

CORIN: That’s a really specific assessment.

VIOLET: This isn’t my first rodeo.

CORIN: Violet, I think I’m going to order you a medical evaluation.

VIOLET: Only if you want me to NEVER FINISH MY WORK.

CORIN: You can finish when we figure out if everything is okay. In your head. Or as okay as it ever is.

VIOLET: I decline. Oh, shit. The archivists are back on their feet and they’ve grouped up this time. I’m only trained in hand to hand combat for up to seven foes. I guess I’ll have to leave.

CORIN: Medical evaluation.

VIOLET: No. I just have to bleed it out.

CORIN: Okay. Talk to you later, Violet.

They say that evil once posted a video on how to do it wrong. This isThings We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for fruit, vegetables, and the knowledge that every molecule in your body will be recycled endlessly until the end of time. Now, we may not be actually responsible for all of these things, but spiritually, symbolically, vibe-ularly, we are responsible for these things. You know it. You can tell. We wouldn’t lie to you about such things. So, believe us. Believe what we tell you. It’s for the best. 

Plutho has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Plutho’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Freak McDeak Nasty Double O Six Nine. We gave the Wheel of Misery a hearty spin and it landed on the space for “Focused”. Obviously, being focused is a great thing. It helps you achieve your goals and do the things that other people ask of you. But what if you were so focused that you didn’t do those things. What if you were focused on something else entirely. That will be the fate of Freak McDeak Nasty Double O Six Nine. For Evil Measure, Plutho will be 13% less focused. Enjoy your short form content on the Internet, and congratulations on the win.

Speaking of the Wheel of Misery, The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team tasked with making the Wheel’s dictates come true, are currently going around the building wearing hot pink yoga pants.  They tend to do a lot of running and walking and climbing stairs, so the yoga pants are looking pretty nice. Honestly, I’m just happy they’re wearing clothes. Dry clothes. With no bits to clean up.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. This goes without saying, but if you find yourself in the archives deep below Kakos Industries, we do not recommend trying to read everything you see. Reading anything you see  can be problematic enough. We are obviously not going to ask you to destroy your own spinal fluids. Just lie back, if you can, and let these announcements slowly drift away from you. No more action on your part is necessary. Just take it easy. Keep drinking tap water. Keep washing your polyester clothes. Next time, the announcements might even be clearer. The numbers are next.

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RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, the thing that goes bump and grind in the night.

Special Guest appearance in this episode by Kit Keller.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who cleaned the microwave. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to re-knit the rake tracks around the stones in the zen sandscape. Someone screwed them up, but it’s about the process, you know? The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a film camera that only captures people’s true Evil selves. It’s eerie how their faces change. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by taking down the popular game’s server.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Potat. “They have done everything you can imagine with a potato and much more. 6.9/11”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “The Delightful Squish”. The foods may not have flavor, but the texture is off the charts.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by wiping out all of the work that everyone did the Friday before. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They have moved on to stretched out tapes of people making dinosaur noises. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that whispers strategy suggestions in your ear. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked a number of cats. You say they’re cuddling, Dave says they’re stacked. The Division of Things That Have Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches, directed by Her Foxiness Miss Dr Indigo J S Vulpes XIII, Esq. has put a switch on a sidewalk. It is ill-advised to walk down that sidewalk when the switch is set to off.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the closet of the Division of Clothing. Apparently there’s a space way in the back that has been mostly undisturbed for fifty years. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you. Buy yourself a trophy.