In which Corin gets flirted with, you find a baggie of weed, you drink some Kwurp, and Marty Blartfast “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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RYAN: What you are about to hear is one long pun.

CORIN: Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements.At Kakos Industries we help our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. Shareholders, can you believe that it has been eleven years since I first took over here at Kakos Industries? While not as remarkable, perhaps as the ten year achievement last year, eleven is actually ten plus one, which is one more impressive when you really think about it. In comparison to the amount of time that my grandfather was at the helm here, it is relatively small, but many of our executives don’t last this long. Not even close. Our Chief Compliance Officer, Mr. Sniffs, is a dog, and I don’t want to make anyone sad at the top of the announcements, but if we get eleven years of service from him, that will be pretty amazing, and we would be very proud of what an Evil boy he is. I will say that many of our regular employees often work here for the rest of their lives, and that isn’t just a morbid joke. For whatever reason, once you know the inner workings of Kakos Industries, it’s hard to work anywhere else. We often pay competitively. The benefits can be a bit unusual, sure, but they can be compelling for a certain kind of person. I don’t even want to guess how long Grace Rule has worked here. It’s actually against company policy to guess that, which I think is maybe the one personal thing Grace has worked into our contracts here at Kakos Industries. It’s just the executives that have a relatively high turnover rate. Well, I don’t want to dwell on the passage of time too much, but I will say this: I am happy to have had you as shareholders for all of these years, and here is to many more.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a hollowed out book you just cracked open. Why did we have so many hollowed out books? Well, the answer is probably more obvious than you think. Anyway, our Division of Radio Transmission worked with Harrison’s Hiding Holes to bring this radio to you. You cracked the cover, maybe hoping for an undiscovered fantasy epic, but instead, you got these announcements. And maybe a little bag of stale weed and a condom you should definitely not use. It is a hollowed out book after all. Anyway, I’m told that the sound quality is a little bit boxy, but otherwise high fidelity. What’s actually producing the sound? It just says here that it’s not important.  I should mention that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re not a shareholder, then have you considered Evil? It might be fun. Just a little Evil as a treat? Come on, just try it. Maybe take that little bit of weed out of the book and give it a go. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. And if it isn’t, then that’s actually minus weed in your book, which will likely kill you. Or just be a really big bummer. One or the other.

We recently had the Shareholders’ Ball, which you will know by now is one of our biggest celebrations of the year. It’s the biggest, actually. As I mentioned before the event, we wanted to include some elements of the Gray Masquerade to make those of you who were unable to attend that event feel a little bit better about that situation. I mentioned that some things were contractually unique to that event and as such we couldn’t include them, but the main one was the recipe for Kwerp, that deep black sludge that many of the attendees liked to walk around holding. We couldn’t have real Kwerp, but you don’t really need it. I promise. It’s not worth drinking. It might make you super sick. Would not recommend. Instead, we had Kwurp, spelled with a U instead of an E. Legally distinct. It was some sort of vodka cocktail colored either with squid ink or charcoal depending on your preferences. The charcoal did cut down on the impact of the alcohol as I understand it. We also allowed you to dress in as many layers as you wanted to strip out of at various times throughout the night, and we had a selection of masks for people to wear to hide their identities, just like at the Gray Masquerade. And also just like at most shareholders’ balls. I guess that’s not a particularly unique feature. 

We brought back the strange quartet of stringed instruments from the Gray Masquerade as well. The members of the group were stoked to have two gigs within the same twelve month period, and they cut us a deal on the second performance. They even threw in a Viola player at no extra charge. Just a regular viola player. Not a special extra Evil instrument. Well, not more Evil than your standard Viola. We should look into what makes Violas so Evil. There’s got to be something there. 

We also let all of you write down Evil intentions for the next year on slips of paper to share with other shareholders and see if you could find an accountability friend. It’s not quite like version done at the Gray Masquerade. There was a lot less posturing. You were more realistic about your goals. Although, I am told that instead of “kill Corin Deeth” a lot of you put something else you wanted to do to me on the slips of paper. The Division of Dionysia gave me a pie chart of all of those intentions with slices for the different sexual positions and activities you were hoping for. There was one sliver too small to represent fully on the chart for one of you weirdos who put down that you wanted to do the Holy Saviour. It’s not happening. Like, maybe you can draw me a picture that explains how it can work, but otherwise, no, it’s just not a thing. 

We couldn’t use The Beast for the feast on account of our captive breeding program not really getting all that far just yet, but we did find some of its closest relatives and we selected the best tasting one for the feast. It actually tastes better than the Beast, but it is slightly less rare, and I’m sorry about that. We also had salads made from various greens and legumes that I am told were bred to feel hope. It just adds something extra to the experience, doesn’t it? 

Then, at the very end of the event, as always, we had the blood orgy. This time we were able to use actual human blood. We had a swimming pool full of it. It was your blood, shareholders. Or so we assume. It’s the blood leftover from New Year’s. We managed to keep it fresh for the last few months. I mean, when life gives you a swimming pool full of blood, what are you supposed to do? Pull the plug on the drain? I don’t think so. As always, Kakos Industries shareholders are some of the most generous, most attentive, most intuitive lovers anyone could ever hope for, so the orgy was pretty much perfect as always. We also had spaces for people who wanted to play board games instead. We also had a console with that racing game everyone’s playing. There are other options is what I’m getting at. I hope that whatever you chose to do, you enjoyed yourself to your fullest.

We also recently had the Celebration of the Moon. A priestess from a spiritual tradition that seems to draw from various corners of the Earth and various times led us all in a prayer involving multiple names for the moon salvaged from traditions all over the world. We did some light chanting, nothing too serious, you know. Hand holding. Swaying in the light of the full moon. I can’t say that I felt anything beyond what is normally contained in human experience, but it was nice to be joined with all of you in the experience. Then there were crudites to snack on as we just sort of appreciated the moon in its glory. Look, the moon is rad. If you don’t agree with that, then I don’t know what to tell you.

Coming up we have The Celebration of Affirmation. It’s that time of the year when we try to let our evilest parts recognize the evilest parts of everyone else and just find that special, unique, bespoke compliment to send them over the top. 

We had a look in the book of anytime festivals as we typically do this time of year and we’ve decided that we’re going to give The Festival of Sound a try. Unlike the Celebration of the Moon, this is going to be some serious chanting. In a reverberant space. The book uses the word “stentorian” multiple times. It’s going to be loud. 

We’re also looking forward to the Big Black Hole Celebration. We’ll probably be chanted out by that point, so we might just join hands thoughtfully around the hole. We haven’t been sending people down into the hole recently because the benefits-to-freak-outs ratio has tilted the wrong way. It happens sometimes. Maybe we’ll let some of you go down. I’ll talk to the Division of Dionysia about maybe setting up a bungee jumping rig. There is no guarantee that the hole is bottomless anymore. I guess there’s a chance you might hit something solid. We’ll talk it over. Maybe we can put someone down there to sort of maintain the depth. I don’t know if it works that way. I feel like it changes less when it’s being observed, though. 

Not to overload you with too many festivities, but I am told that the Division of Dionysia is underway planning a music festival. They’re calling it Kakophonia. The dates are set from now until later. They are envisioning a new form of society that revolves entirely around a never ending music festival, allowing certain patrons to live and work in the music festival to keep it going. You know, just for once, I would like to hand a project to a Division and have them come up with a small, achievable goal. Instead, every time, they come back to me with something so big it can’t possibly happen the way they intend it to. One way or another, it will be interesting. 

Many of you will recall that a few months back I allowed Tabitha Prime to look at some parts of my DNA to look for certain markers. She was able to determine two things with relative confidence, and pretty much nothing else. The first, was that I am not related to her, which answers some questions and asks some new ones. The other thing was that I do not have the genetic or epigenetic markers consistent with cloning. We are still researching the second part. The first part, well, it means that her clones are now free to “flirt” with me in pursuit of creating a really Evil baby. Apparently there are some significant rewards available to you if you end up carrying the child of the current CEO, like special treatment, a line of succession, legacy, and some other antiquated ideas about lineages and things like that. These clones have been raised with the idea that reproducing with me will lead to some sort of great success in life, which spilled over into the Tabithas that are not clones of Tabitha Prime, which, after some translations and games of telephone, resulted in a cult-like insistence on seeing to my romantic needs, which I’m not a big fan of. I am now getting propositions directly from the clones of Tabitha. There are three that we are aware of, but potentially many more out there. Each clone seems to be ten to fifteen years apart in age from the next one. That puts one at around twenty, another at mid thirties, and another in her fifties. There may be younger ones, though it is hard to imagine Tabitha Prime beginning her cloning endeavors early enough to have clones in their sixties or seventies. Perhaps she looks younger than she is. At any rate, the youngest Tabitha has been sending me provocative texts and unsolicited photographs. I feel like I need to say that I haven’t been responding, but I’m not sure why I need you to know that, shareholders. Perhaps I think that if I make it sound like I’ve been taking every offer for sex I’ve been given that a lot of you would lose respect for me. And others of you would gain respect for me that I do not want. At any rate, the middle Tabitha has been putting together really cute date ideas. I have to say that this is a huge departure from what I usually get. Usually, the offer is for sex plain and simple, with whatever conditions and strings hidden behind the offer. Cute date ideas are a big difference, and it shows a level of care and creativity that I’m not used to. It’s… tempting. I could go, and enjoy whatever she’s put together, and maybe actually get to know her. All the same, I know where it’s heading. I will consider carefully. The older of the three known clones did also send me an email. I’ll just read it. Subject line: “Re: Naughty Boy.” Body of email: “Mr. Deeth, I have it on authority from several reliable sources that you have in fact been a very naughty boy, and it has fallen into my ample lap to dole out punishment for said transgressions. Should you feel it appropriate to appeal this judgment or appear for punishment, see me in my office at any time.” I responded with a single question mark. She then replied, “Well, I tried. Carry on.” 

It’s time for the segment where I answer some of your questions about Kakos Industries. Today’s question is “What was that explosion?” Well, that depends on where you are, actually. I have a number of readings available to me here, and based on when this question was asked, there are a number of different readings. If you were in the eastern part of the building on the first floor or third floor, it was the division of cannons saying goodbye to a lost comrade. If you were in the west part of the building on any floor above ten, then it was the office of the Division of Tetrominoes being completely imploded by accident. If you were on floor 40+, then we don’t know and we’re working on figuring it out.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. As you know they pretty much unanimously decided that the standard for their Satisficer sex toy that is supposed to be able to please everyone everywhere no matter what they’re into should be Xylathee the Malignatrix, an original character from what I assume to be a tabletop roleplay of some sort. I have seen a prototype with some of the functionality that they are hoping to implement. The aesthetics are getting there based on the drawings of Xylathee I have seen, mostly commissions from the Internet that Xylathee’s creator Gilbert Bleak paid for with his own money. It’s purplish in places. It has many tentacles and orifices. They are not yet powered or rigged up with robotic arms and motors like planned, but you can see the gears turning. Not literally. That would be even more dangerous than the device is already. It has maimed so many people. 

There have been more dead bodies associated with the Cult of Ohh Ahh. The tests we’ve run show that each of these people died in the extremes of ecstasy. Now, if you had to pick a way to go, I assume that extremes of ecstasy might have been up there on the list, but many of these people were young and had a lot of lesser ecstasies left ahead of them, so this isn’t exactly ideal. They are all, as far as we can tell, Kakos employees or people associated with Kakos employees, people with a verifiable Evil track record. This is obviously not great because these are Evil people being killed, which is technically the opposite of Evil. At least if you don’t count the murder part, which is definitely Evil. Assuming that this was murder. The situation has a lot of us uncomfortable. We have our best investigators on the task. So far the evidence is pointing toward a faction in the Cult of Ohh Ahh having a secret connection with those rogue members of the Division of Erotic Experiences who were hoping to build a sex toy that could literally please everyone on the planet at once. I would like to issue a warning to you, shareholders. If you come into contact with this group or any of their machinery, do not get involved. Stay a safe distance away. We don’t want to lose any of you, even if it is to the heights of pleasure. 

The current leader of the Cult of Ohh Ahh has come out against any pleasure that causes permanent harm, but stopped short of condemning what was going on. I know sometimes these things are complicated, especially when you speak with the authority to change the outcome for someone’s spiritual being after their death. It’s still not the statement we were hoping for.

So, I have news from Hell, that labor camp we built under the Earth’s surface where the metaphysical Hell could have plausibly have been. Last we talked about them, the overseer, Meredith Gorgoro, and all of her laborers, were speaking in a new strange language that we could not get a hang of no matter what linguistic tools we threw at it. The update is that people on the surface are now showing an interest in the glowing figurines that were exported and brought to the surface, and they are reportedly now speaking in the strange language as well. Meredith Gorgoro has been unavailable for comment.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted The Faceless Horror versus the Faithless Borer. The Faceless Horror was kind of this humanoid creature, but with no face on its head. We know, after the autopsy from the real fight, how it breathed and sensed the world, primarily with great difficulty and not that well, but when you just looked at it, its mysterious appearance just chilled you to your core. The Faithless Borer was also vaguely humanoid, but in a much less interesting way. Instead of having your eyes stuck to it, they kind of wanted to be anywhere else. It was hard to look at because you just felt the chemicals in your brain start to retreat as you did so. As the old axiom tells us, borer beats horror every time, and the reenactment was no different. They managed to capture the uncanny qualities of the Faceless Horror. To adequately recreate the Faithless Borer, they made a large square out of manilla envelopes. It was almost as boring as the real thing. As in the real battle many years ago, the Faceless Horror died trying to behold the Faithless Borer long enough to actually attack it. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has opened the locked drawer in the Division of Loathing. It was filled with love letters from twenty years ago. How ironic.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. They have made progress on the beauty pageant that they are attempting to infiltrate, the Miss Belle of the Ball pageant. They’ve needed special members to infiltrate. Women of poise and demeanor and conservative looks, but who can also take a punch. As I mentioned before, the secret society seems to involve a fight club, which may include some kinds of blood sacrifice as well as potentially some sacred torture or pain elements. The members of our team that have infiltrated this group haven’t been invited to the flight club aspect yet, but it’s looking promising. They are getting high marks for their elegance, and ability to walk in heels on various colors of carpet, and their hair is so high it could touch a god’s balls. They are drawn from the ranks of our classiest employees here at Kakos Industries, where different styles of manners and etiquette come naturally and can be switched between on a dime. We’ve been getting them up to speed on hand to hand combat outside of their involvement with this organization. They won’t need to just compete. They’ll need to win. And many of the women already in the group have been fighting their entire lives. Fortunately, we have enough highly trained fighters and self-taught killers to get them up to speed. All the same, it won’t be easy. We are unsure as of yet what will get them the invitation to the battles, but we are confident that’s where the heart of the secret society is. 

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are spotlighting Worryjoe Clemen from the division of emergency exits. The Division of Emergency exits is one of these Divisions that we don’t give specific instructions to, but they kind of work their way through the building and other facilities just making sure there’s a way out when you need one. They use building code standards, for sure, but they also use much more advanced techniques of figuring out where an exit door will be needed. There was recently a cave-in in basement 67f, and we were sure glad to have the emergency exit installed there by the Division of Emergency exits. I understand that this particular door was installed by Worryjoe Clemen, and for that, we thank you for your hard work, Worryjoe. I understand that the emergency exit from basement 67f exited out into an active lava flow, but you could walk around it without too much danger. Still better than being caved in.

They say that evil once let a bunch of tiny little flies loose in your hometown. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for down, lower, and that sinking sensation you can’t escape from. Of course, we can’t be one hundred percent certain that we did these things, but you should believe us when we say we did. Believe us. Don’t not believe us. Just believe us instead. We’re trustworthy. Believe. We did it.

It’s time to announce the results of today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing.The winner of today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing is Marty Blartfast. As a result, the life of Marty Blartfast’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Fweep. First name Fweep? Last name Fweep? Doesn’t really matter it seems. Anyway, we gave the Wheel of misery a significant spin and it landed on the position for Damp. From this day forward Fweep will be 43% more damp, in all the ways that matter. For Evil measure, Marty Blartfast will be 16% dryer, which can have its own consequences. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad are running around the building wearing some detritus, specifically packing peanuts. They wear a lot of garbage as it is, but this is a particularly messy look.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. I feel like we’ve pressed ahead on a number of important projects, even if we didn’t have any groundbreaking results to share. It really feels like there’s an awful lot going on, and with my other realms of inquiry, things are shaping up to be pretty busy. The hollowed out book you’ve been hearing these announcements on has too much technology in it to remain in your possession. Unless you fill it with drugs. That keeps it relatively happy. Happy for a book, anyway. Most books are mildly perturbed on average at best. The spec sheet in front of me is using words I am not familiar with to describe the internal workings and sounds. That makes things more difficult to talk about. All the same, keep it happy and you’ll stay happy. Otherwise, you need to donate it to a book-related charity, preferably with drugs inside. Once again, the eleventh anniversary of my taking over this post is less exciting than the tenth, but I am happy that you have joined me on this journey. The numbers are next.

44

44

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44

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4

44

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins,  Humanities last hope and greatest fear.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who cleaned the microwave. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit the rake tracks around the stones in the zen sandscape. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a data cassette filled with the most Evil secrets and blackmail material. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by making everyone’s shoes slightly springier.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Just the Greens. “You might expect the restaurant to serve a variety of plants, but instead it is just pasta and meat dyed green. 3/9”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Food to Look at”. They don’t recommend you eat any of the food, especially not after it’s been dipped in epoxy.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by starting them on Sunday Night. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is now considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. Right now they’re just listening to the sounds of people eating modulated by a vocoder. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that gives your hand a little hug while you hold it. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked a bunch of crabs in a bucket. They won’t let each other out. The Division of Things That Have Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches, directed by Her Foxiness Miss Dr Indigo J S Vulpes XIII, Esq. has put a switch on a trampoline. It supposedly turns off the bounce, but we’re not so sure about this one.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap under the meeting table in the board room. Apparently, no vacuum can reach that far. We should probably look into that. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you, make yourself a nice glass of lemon lime milk.