In which we meet Tabitha, we learn a lot about duplicating people, we learn what a “Thumper” is, and Eddie Eyes “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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What you are about to hear will give you the dankest nightmares.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. Here at Kakos Industries, we help our clients, people who aren’t our clients, people who have never heard of us, and especially people who wish they had never heard of us to Do Evil Better. During the last set of announcements, we had Halloween and also the Gray Masquerade if your investment in Evil was high enough to earn you a spot. It was dumb. It was a really dumb event full of posturing and all kinds of ridiculous snobby rich people nonsense, but it happened. There were perhaps some moments that I enjoyed, but not all of them. Still, I think I accomplished what I meant to. I know that many of you will be curious if Melantha ever came to the party. I will say that there was a mysterious woman walking around with an extremely complicated eagle-type mask, complete with feathers and gemstones and gold thread who was also completely naked, but I can’t be positive it was her. I’ve seen her naked before, of course. More times than I wanted to. But she does tend to change things around with regards to her physical appearance pretty often. She didn’t look like a naked Melantha I’ve seen before. That being said, I have my suspicions. It would be pretty weird if there were more than one person like her, but it’s possible. As for Violet, I am told that at one point, in an effort to impress a number of potential business contacts, she took a single sip of the black, oily Kwerp beverage. They were all extremely impressed. All the same, they left her passed out in a puddle on the lawn outside the tent. I am told that this is actually a positive sign for her social standing and business relationships. We shall see. Many of you may also be curious about my meeting with the woman outside the door of the booth when the broadcast last ended. We shall talk about that soon enough.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a budget CD player you received through your incoming projectiles window. You put in the demo disc that we gave you and these announcements began. You may have noticed, though, that there are no speakers. You are hearing these announcements without the aid of speakers of any kind. Instead, you are hearing my voice right now through the failing motor inside of this CD player. We had a whole bunch of these things that were just slowly dying, and instead throwing them out, we discovered something interesting. You see, the motors in these CD players are failing very predictably, which is a much a more useful quality than you might think. Because of this we can use the grinding of those dying gears to reproduce frequencies accurately, hence you are hearing these announcements. You might be wondering what’s on that demo disc that you’re not actually hearing. I can’t get into the details because of some proprietary technology, but I am authorized to say that the disc is the antenna. Make of that what you will. I should mention that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you aren’t a shareholder, then you should get away from this device as quickly as possible because it is about to shoot that demo disc out of its top loading slot and kill you with it. What’s that, soundman? It’s not going to do that? We couldn’t implement that in time? Wow. That sucks. What did we do instead? We poisoned the disc. Well, I assume shareholders have already been immunized against the poison, so that works just as well. It’s not as exciting, but it works. Watch out. Or become Evil. Or whatever. 

Recently, we began the Festival of Anti-Celebration, and we also had Black Friday. People have been coming up with interesting ways to anti-celebrate. Some people specifically work on holidays, while blowing off their responsibilities the rest of the time. Some people strip moments of their lives from every symbol or ritual that might be potentially construed as significant, let alone celebratory. However you anti-celebrate, we’re there with you. As for Black Friday, we did produce a number of particularly Evil hats, as promised. Some of them were really pointy. Others made your head look like a perfect sphere. All of them were exceptionally Evil. We had seven to sell. We had three hundred people in line. There was a fist fight and at least one person died, although we’re not quite sure how they died just yet. 

Coming up, we have Yule. We’re going to be sticking with the classical interpretation this year. There will be booze and snow and I’ll be dressed up as a Krampus monster as my job description mandates. Some of you will get spanked. Many of you will be weird about it. Such is life, I suppose. Whatever keeps you going, honestly.  

The next Festival we have coming up is the one where we let all of you pick the name. It seems that for whatever reason, that name always rhymes with festival. Last year, we had the Jestival. This year, it appears that we’re having the Questival. The Division of Dionysia is preparing a number of quests, all achievable, but at varying levels of difficulty, to hand out to party-goers. They are hiring actors to hand out these quests. Some of the quests require you to team up. None of the quests will explicitly involve sex, but we know our audience. We’re preparing for that too, just in case.

Alright, I suppose I can talk about the woman who was waiting for me outside of the booth last time. After the broadcast ended, I went out and met with her. She told me she was eager to answer my questions. In my line of business, anyone eager to do anything to help you is a bit suspicious as you can understand, but I was desperate. I followed her to a nearby office where we could speak privately. 

As Violet hinted, she is Tabitha. We’ve been calling her Tabitha Prime just to keep them all straight in our minds. They don’t seem to make that distinction exactly, though they do tend to take on different roles depending on their age. This is of course for the clones. Yes, they are clones, and my team tells me that they are the highest quality clones they have ever seen. This isn’t just in references to any perceived hotness, though there is some of that for sure. Even the best clones we’ve ever made here at Kakos Industries have had certain issues. But Tabitha prime – she does have a last name, but I can’t divulge for now – she seems to have done a lot of work to make sure her daughters are without any of those common issues. They are different from her in slight ways, but not significant ones. They are without flaw from a cloning standpoint. Tabitha Prime was quite open with me about the nature of her daughters. She really takes pride in her work. 

I asked her about the other Tabithas, the ones that aren’t her clones. She told me that wasn’t what she came to talk about. She went from being very proud and open about the cloning to very terse. I get the impression there’s a lot more there. I hope to learn more some day. At least I think I do. The two groups of Tabithas may not communicate as much as we once thought. We considered calling the Tabithas who are clones Tabithas, and calling the ones who adopted the name Tabithans, but this makes things even more confusing because up until recently, I am unsure if I had ever met one of her clones, and I’ve already been calling all of the others Tabithas, which just sort of confuses everything in an effort to make the naming scheme the most logical. The Tabithas who have adopted the identity will probably need to remain the Tabithas. We’ve considered calling the clones the Tabithae, or the Tabithaux, but for now, it really seems like I’m just going to have to use an awkward phrase to distinguish them. Nothing is ever easy. Anyway, I’ve had little contact with the Tabithas who have adopted the identity recently. The ones I’m going to talk about for now are just the clones. 

So there’s some history with Tabitha prime and my Grandfather. She’s from an old Evil family. She has worked at Kakos Industries in various roles, including as a secretary, which I understand is not exactly a great job fit considering she has many degrees and certifications in research biology, and even had some of them at the time she was working as a secretary. I get the sense that she’s part of some even older organization that I don’t know any of the details of. I’m assuming that because she really really wanted to get pregnant by my grandfather for some unknown purpose. That sounds like old shadowy organization stuff, right? Either that or she’s just a freak, and we do love a freak around here. Kakos Industries would have somehow recognized the offspring of such a union as more valuable and possibly a step forward in Evil pedigree and she would have had her place in the company’s history if that happened, because of all of the weird biases people around here seem to have with genetics and known Evil individuals. It’s all a bit backward, isn’t it? Maybe that’s the point.

So, Tabitha Prime wanted to get pregnant this way for whatever reason. And so did her sister. Did I mention she has a twin sister? Yeah, it gets more complicated. She showed me an old picture of them together. They are both named Tabitha. I don’t know why. It’s a weird choice. It might have to do with their family or their dark, shadowy organization, or who knows. But they’re identical twins. For those of you who haven’t pieced it together yet, the woman who has been cloning herself… has a twin sister already. There’s almost certainly a psychoanalyst somewhere with a strong opinion on this and a fun name for it. I’m not qualified to diagnose it, but I am confident there is a diagnosis. 

We’ve been calling the twin sister Tabitha Prime Two. I know, this is confusing. I honestly think it’s supposed to be. So anyway, her and her sister wanted to carry the next Evilest baby. Their Evil lineages were well regarded, and the CEO of Kakos Industries is pretty high up there for potential mates for that reason. This nonsense continues to this day to some extent. I am now the CEO, and her youngest daughter, or the youngest one I know of, the one who’s about twenty-two if I had to guess, offered me a “thumper” in the cafeteria the other day. I looked it up. It’s basically a handjob. The one older than her, maybe mid thirties, is supposedly in her femmes only phase, which they told me happens like clockwork around 29 years old, but she did say that I was nearly close enough, and she could maybe squint if I wanted to get busy. For the first time in the history of Kakos Industries, the executive board strictly forbade me from doing this for a very important reason.

Tabitha Prime Two, the twin sister, has been missing for a long time. I got some of this information through some independent research I’ve done recently as well as talking to Tabitha Prime. The timing of her absence leaves a bit of room for speculation and suspicion as to why she disappeared, and what she got up to in that time, and with whom. We’re investigating that now.  Of course, Tabitha prime would absolutely love to have a sample of my DNA to examine for any irregularities… or similarities, or to make clone gametes with to stick in her daughters, but the executive board, of which she is a member, has strictly forbidden that as well. It’s politics, but they basically don’t want her to have the edge on anyone else. So we’ve devised a system where she can examine aspects of my DNA in labs that Kakos Industries controls, but she cannot have the whole sequence, and she can’t look at all of it. This obsession with genetics and lineages and all of this stuff is a little much. We’ve never been able to look at someone’s DNA and decide how Evil they would be. It just doesn’t work that way. Anyway, I am told that we should have some interesting results soon. We shall return to this.

It’s now time for the segment where we answer some of your questions. Today’s question is in regards to elective surgeries, and whether we pay for them. I feel like this answer is broken into two basic categories. The first is surgeries that make our employees feel more at home in their bodies and make it easier for them to Do Evil as a result. We do cover those. The second category is where we get wild. You want sharper teeth? We want you to have sharper teeth. You want razor sharp nails? We want that for you, too. You want a permanent grimace on your face? We do that. You want like an extra leg or something like that? Not a problem. If you want to get super wild with it, we are here for it. If you’re a CEO who wants a fucking monster arm, though? Well, that appears to be a bridge too far. So in short, yes, we’re a fan of surgeries. Just tell us what you want. Let’s do it.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. The Satisficer injured several people during our Halloween celebrations, but I am told that these injuries are cool because they are also spooky. The satisficer left two people with oddly jack-o-lantern-looking scars, and a third person with a permanent grimace without the need for elective surgeries. The Division has been developing a clearer image of what the ideal partner should be capable of, also. So far, they have come to a strange consensus that I admit doesn’t make much sense to me. The ideal partner, according to the team, is Xylathee The Malignatrix, who I am told is an original character developed by one member of the team for a roleplaying campaign and some fanfiction. I’m not sure how that person got everyone on board with Xylathee, but I have seen pictures that that team member drew and at the very least this character is capable of a reasonable amount of sexual activities above and beyond what a human partner could offer. The rogue team that broke off from the Division of Erotic Experiences is still missing. We are still trying to find them. We are still trying to figure out what they are up to because we are worried. In that vein, there are some rumblings that the Cult of Ohh Ahh has been more active than they have been in a while. I understand that there was a somewhat contentious leadership election, and someone with ties to the Division of Erotic Experiences has taken control. Their vision of how people should live is remarkably similar to the aims of the breakaway group, namely that all people should live in constant robotic ecstasy. The two things might be unconnected, but they aren’t. You know they aren’t. I know they aren’t. We’ll see where this goes. 

We have news from the Hell labor camp, that labor camp we built far underground in a huff because Hell wasn’t real. The Division of Anthropology has been studying the habits of the laborers because they’ve been seemingly developing a new religion based on strange glowing figurines they’ve been making. They have pieced together a pantheon based on the prominence of certain figures. There are some figures, though that appear only once as far as the team can tell. They are assuming that over a long enough time line they will get an accurate distribution of how important each monster god seems to be. They’ve also noticed the laborers begin to speak in tongues in addition to their chanting. I am told that the syntax of their language is making it very difficult to tease out the meaning of any of it. It’s possible that the chanting part is a language and the speaking in tongues is a bit more chaotic. Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in the Hell labor camp, has seemingly taken a greater interest in these activities than before. I think it might be because I asked her what was going on and now she’s concerned that she doesn’t know. Hopefully she will be able to learn something we haven’t.

So, Kimmie is still missing. I know some of you were worried. Seriously. If I don’t talk about her for long enough, we start to get letters. Anyway, she kind of does this sort of thing. She goes missing for a while. She comes back when she’s ready. She doesn’t really care who she pisses off in the meantime. The usual. She’ll show up when she wants to. We can’t get too upset that she’s disappeared. I will say that there is something a bit strange though. The Matmos twins, Clarissa and Hedera, my supposed liaisons to the Matmos who are more like human furniture, have started calling her The Wretch. This is an uncharacteristic show of emotion for them, which leads me to believe something more serious has happened. 

Okay, I’ve gotten an update from the team working with Tabitha prime. She says that we are not related. That’s a relief. I think. I’m not sure how I would mentally process the 22-year-old version of what could have been my grandmother offering me a handjob. Putting that aside for no time at all, though, it also says here that, because of this result, I can impregnate any of her daughters any time any time I wish now that we have that out of the way. The board has approved it and everything. That moved fast. This is going to add more bullshit to my life, I can just tell already. I’m not looking forward to it. You know, no one ever asks me on a date. No one ever tries to get to know me. There’s no romance. It always feels like they just skip straight to the end. Like, your genes are super Evil, put ‘em in me. Just gimme gimme. Am I not a participant? Anyway. I suppose this does leave us with more questions about where Tabitha Prime Two may have gotten off to. I may need to put a team onto that. I feel like there’s something there. Tabitha prime has been looking for her sister for a long time. She may have found her in an unusual way, I suppose, through cloning. To be fair, I really didn’t think there was much to the idea that we were related. Anyway, it says here that Tabitha Prime has one more test that she’s running. I expect we’ll hear about that soon.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted Garbanzador Versus Chick Peast. We all remember how the original fight went down. Garbanzador made use of its extensive series of wings to perform aerial attacks, but it was no match for Chick Peast’s pure ferocity. Well, similar to that original battle, after all of the carnage, we were pretty much left with an extra spicy hummus all over the place. Except in the reenactment, the hummus was in bowls with pita chips to enjoy in the audience after the match. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has opened a garden gate. We definitely left that garden to its own devices for too long. The Division has not ventured in because it is the Extremely Carnivorous Plant garden. Come to think of it, that may be why it was locked up in the first place. There are some beautiful flowers on some of these plants, but I would not take a close look. Perhaps we can get a team to trim them back. They may require some heavy armor. Maybe we should use robots.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. We recently enacted a plan within the Church of Diuretics and I understand that it went swimmingly. Bad choice of words. Anyway, Winston Marple, our man on the inside, convinced the congregation to engage in a multiple day coffee drinking contest. I understand that some higher ranking officials may have died during the ordeal, and that Winston is making his way up. His most recent report had the following to offer: “okay, I used to be a guy who was into piss. I’m over it. I’m ready to come home anytime. I hope I never piss again.”

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are shining the spotlight on Evil-lyn Ethers from the Division of Teeth and Bones for being able to reassemble the bone monster. It was very important to reassemble it because it scares the hell out of everyone walking down the bone hallway. I feel like The Bone Hallway should be a euphemism for something, but in actuality, it’s just a hallway with a ton of bones. I don’t know why they’re there. Maybe we ran out of places for them. At any rate, thank you, Evil-lyn Ethers. 

They say that Evil once bared it all and made everyone insanely jealous. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for The great outdoors, the greater indoors, and the even greater horrors inside your own mind. Now, as I typically say, we cannot know for certain that we are responsible for all of these things in all cases. All the same, it is in your best interest to believe us on this one. Especially, if you want to keep the horrors inside your own mind semi-manageable. 

Eddie Eyes has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result of this victory, Eddie Eyes’ nemesis will encounter a life ruining turn of events. Calico (ˈkalɪkəʊ) Shrine (ʃrʌɪn) is that nemesis. We gave The Wheel of Misery an extra hardy spin and it landed on the space for Energetic. From this day forward, Calico Shrine will be uncomfortably energetic, and a problem to everyone nearby. Calico may vibrate or shake or pace uncontrollably, and the speed of the rest of life will seem painfully slow. For Evil measure, Eddie Eyes will have a little extra trouble keeping those eyes open with 8% less energy than usual. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

Speaking of the Wheel of Misery, The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team tasked with making the Wheel’s dictates come true, are currently going around the building wearing mint leaves. I believe the implication is that they are some kind of dessert, but at this point, I know better than to make guesses. At the very least it is one of the lesser messy things they have covered themselves with.

This brings us to the end of the broadcast. Shareholders, the budget CD player this broadcast is coming to you on will likely breathe its last breath shortly without you doing anything, but if you feel like it would be fun, you can destroy it however you wish. Be careful around the poisoned disc just in case. We are still waiting on some test results from Tabitha Prime, of course, but I will let you know what the results are next time. The numbers are next. Please do not think about them.

907

6,421

39

1,102

2

903

40

41

18

2

4

999

9

Oh, I just got another note from Tabitha Prime. It says epigenetic factors, as well as telomeric structures are inconsistent with any known cloning technique. Well that means… I’m not a clone. Huh.

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, a collage of strong memories strung together by copper wire.

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CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who was exploded, but is recovering nicely. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit several spirals of the zen sandscape, but it is taking some time. I think that’s the point. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired an electric harp that supposedly makes playing music easy, but in fact only ever plays horrible notes. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started tilting the building slightly at the end of the day to get people out of the office a little faster.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Wanda Express. “Wanda is lovely, but she will watch you eat every single bite and ask for an updated opinion. 22/33”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “You Can Ferment Anything”. They do not seem to indicate whether or not you should, though.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by throwing around the word private equity at work. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is now considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They’ve discovered a rare genre of hiphop featuring dis tracks against oneself. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that just gets stickier with age. No one can even tell its in your deck until you peel it out dramatically. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked 30 or 40 toads. They wre in a pyramid shape, so the overall height was less exciting. The Division of Must See Train Trips, directed by Nishant and Coninika Guha-Jana has been scheduling a trip down the Whoopsie Crater. Somehow, we blew a hole right into the ground and only kind of stretched the tracks for the train down through it. The Division of Stone Watching, directed by An Angry Moth, has just confirmed for us that, yes, the stones are still there. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in an upright bass case from the Division of Tortured Strings. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you, have a little snack as a treat.