In which we celebrate Halloween, Corin goes to a fancy party, there are some vague threats, Violet makes friends, and Sam Jackson “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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What you are about to hear is the greatest soporific known to man.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Shareholders, it’s Halloween, and I hope that you are having a fabulous time, whether you are here celebrating with us or somewhere else celebrating. Or somewhere else not celebrating. I guess that’s an option as well. Just like every Halloween we are having an amazing party here at Kakos Industries with numerous different zones with different kinds of parties, allowing you to mix and match or just find the right kind of celebration to match the mood you’re in. If you’ve been to one of our parties before, or heard about one of them, it’s basically like that. Many of you have already noticed that a big section of the Spooky Lawn has been sectioned off, and there is a black tent taking up most of that space. I know that many of you are extremely curious, and honestly, if I could have made this more inconspicuous, I would have, but I couldn’t. I will say, knowing that it won’t help, that none of you actually want to be in there. I was just in there and it was terrible. You see, inside of the tent is what is called a Gray Masquerade. I believe it is a reference to the color gray, and masquerade pretty much speaks for itself. This is a separate celebration. I couldn’t tell you that it was coming up because I was afraid that some of the attendees might see that I was trying to pull something. This masquerade must occur during one of our other major holidays, but the only other requirement as far as timing is concerned is that I have to order it. And so I did. I’ll explain.

Many of our most Evil shareholders, the people whose shares in Kakos Industries appear on hand written documents that are yellowed and disintegrating with age, the members of the so-called Evil high society, will only come out of their hiding places for this event. They are actually required to, but they usually want to because of all of the specific events that they take part in during it. When I learned about this event I knew that it would be one of the best chances for me to learn what it is that I need to learn. I knew that I could observe all of the people in attendance and maybe even talk to some of them. Pump them for information if I can manage it. If I knew what a pain in the ass it was going to be, I probably would have skipped it, but it’s too late for that now. 

A lot of the beats of this event will seem to match up with the Shareholders’ Ball, the difference being that the Shareholders’ Ball is actually fun. Like the name suggests, the Gray Masquerade is a masquerade ball, that means there are masks involved seemingly to protect people’s identities, though many of the attendees are wearing masks they brought from home that they wear to every one of these events, so I guess you can kind of remember who’s who if you’ve been to a bunch. I have not. This is the first one I have attended. I can’t actually tell you which mask is mine in the off chance that someone there will be listening in right now. There’s a lot of politics and subterfuge and all kinds of weird antiquated nonsense that I can’t quite wrap my head around. It sucks. I’ve said that. Perhaps it is time for the showing, rather than the telling.

So, I mentioned the masks. There’s also a lot of clothes. Incredibly expensive clothes stacked in layers. Suits on suits. Dresses on dresses. The layers are important because stripping them off throughout the night is part of the process. There are several layers of dress clothes. Things get raunchier as you go deeper though. 

Where the Shareholders’ Ball gives us a lot of room to pick out the food and drinks based on whatever we think would be fun for you, the Gray Masquerade comes with a whole lot of rules. We had to steep several different wormwoods in grain alcohol with spices for the last month to prepare for a cocktail called the dark coquette. There is also a cocktail called the Shade Path, which tastes basically like drinking your own shadow. There is also, of course, the Old Fashioned, but the fashion is significantly older than usual. Oranges seem to be too new of an invention, for example. As is distilling. There’s also a beverage called Kwerp, which looks and smells like diesel fuel mixed with tar. It isn’t so popular, but it seems that a number of the guests like to walk around with a highball full of the stuff, like they might take a sip at any moment, but they won’t. There’s a lot of posturing here, but I’m assuming you guessed that already. Sparkling wines are available, of course, but only after a few drops of blood have been added. What kind of blood? Well, obviously, blood from The Beast.

So now I need to talk about food. The Beast in particular. The Roast Beast. The Beast is mentioned several times in the documents we have about this event, but it is not specified exactly. There are drawings, but they tend to disagree. Think about early European drawings of Rhinoceroses if you want to know what we have to work with. We knew that it was an aquatic animal based on the fins, and we assumed it to be an aquatic mammal because it shares a body plan with seals. We did not know which animal it was, however. The notes say that the particular beast is incredibly important or the Gray Masquerade isn’t legitimate. We looked through notes from every time Kakos Industries has organized an event like this and we couldn’t find anything that told us what the animal was. No hint. No clue. Not “oh shit this was so hard to find, I’m going to save everyone who comes after me a whole bunch of time by just telling them what it is.” Nothing. So we had to be that person. On one of the documents, there was a splash of blood. Just a few droplets. It could have been anything. We hoped it was from The Beast. This document goes so far back that it was probably one of the first Gray Masquerades ever. We don’t know exactly how far back that is, but it seems fairly obvious that it was a while ago. We were able to get DNA from that splash of blood and piece it back together into an animal. There is a little known relative of the seal called the shmeal that lives on an often omitted island near Antarctica. They are weird as hell, but the DNA match was undeniable. So we sent an expedition to go collect an animal so that we could eat it and have this whole event taken care of. The trouble is that there were only about eight of them on the island at the time. There may be more somewhere else, but it looked bad. We could have just snagged a male and left nature to do its thing with the rest, but then we realized that they were actually all females except for the one male, so that would have led to more issues. Anyway, long story short, we have begun a captive breeding program for the shmeal so that we never run out of them, and at the dinner this evening we ate one of the larger females. After all of this trouble, I really have to wonder if anyone since this much earlier incarnation of the Gray Masquerade has put in the effort to actually find this animal. I am of the mind that they did not. And you might be thinking, Corin, why would these people cheat themselves out of the authentic experience. I would argue that for this group, cheating is the authentic experience. 

VIOLET: Come in Owlet. This is Paper Doll.

CDIII: Oh, hello, Paper Doll. I thought we agreed on Owl.

VIOLET: It’s not enough syllables for radio talk.

CDIII: Shareholders, this is Violet Trudge, the hardest working employee at Kakos Industries, who is also currently enjoying the Gray Maquerade.

VIOLET: Do you think it’s fun to blow my cover? 

CDIII: You still have your mask on, right? And you found a secluded spot to use the walkie talkie?

VIOLET: I did my part, Owlet. Anyway, I just had eyes on Mama Eagle. She went into the hedge maze. The separate one for the Gray Masquerade. Not the regular one.

CDIII: Thank you… Paper Doll. Please try to keep an eye on her when she emerges. There is only one exit to the maze. Shareholders, I’ve asked Violet to keep an eye on someone, but we’ll talk about that more in a minute. 

VIOLET: I’ve trained my eyes to watch two subjects simultaneously. They say it’s bad for the connections between the hemispheres of my brain, but I say that it’s important for maximum efficiency. And I say it’s for maximum efficiency. 

CDIII: Thank you for the update, Paper Doll. We’ll check in with you soon.

So, shareholders, you might be wondering why I’ve tasked the hardest working employee in all of Kakos Industries with going to this masquerade undercover for me, and the answer is that she isn’t really undercover. You see, Violet, being one of the hardest working employees, tackling many jobs at once, has earned what you might call a fuckton of stock options. Now these shares aren’t exactly what you would call profitable in your portfolio, but they do entitle you to some benefits. Violet is one of the largest employee shareholders in Kakos, and just barely meets the threshold for being invited to the Gray Masquerade. But she is there legitimately, which made some things easier for me. We’ll talk about who she’s watching for me a bit later. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a jar of noisy sand. Apparently you opened the swing top, and it started broadcasting at you. I am told that each individual grain of sand has a chance of picking up the radio frequencies we’re broadcasting, and that in aggregate, they should be able to give you the whole broadcast without much issue. I am told that the sound is a little grainy, but other than that it’s perfectly usable. This radio comes to us as a collaboration between our Division of Grit and Melusica’s Fine Crystal Powders. Their tagline is “Melusica’s. Put sand in your junk for spiritual reasons.” Are you ever just afraid, shareholders, that someone has outdone you in terms of Evil? This company makes me feel that way. I should emphasize that this broadcast is strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you aren’t a shareholder, then you need to close up that jar of sand right now or it is about to get everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. 

We recently had the Festival of Books. We brought out our copy of the world’s sexiest book, titled Drain Me Daddy Vampire. A few of our most seasoned romance readers took a crack at it, but eventually had to put it down when their blood pressure dropped too dramatically. They claimed that it wasn’t the sex that made the books so intense, but all of the cringe. Yet without the cringe, the sex wouldn’t have been so hot. We also noticed a handful of shareholders who showed up to this event in prescriptionless glasses, who then paired up in the stacks for romantic encounters without even touching a book. We get it. It’s an aesthetic. You could be less obvious about it.

Coming up we have The Festival of Anti-Celebration and Black Friday. As always, we invite you to Anti-Celebrate however you wish, whether that’s alone or in a group. When you’re anti-celebrating in a group, though, you have to remember to keep it anti-festive, otherwise it might start to look like celebration. Black Friday will be interesting as always. We’re going to be doing some limited edition Evil hats. How exciting.

So I should tell you a bit more about the Gray Masquerade. In addition to the special alcohol and the accommodations for various costumes, we also had to prepare a special musical presentation. For hours during this event, we needed to have music playing during socializing as well as dancing. The music couldn’t just be any music. It has to be music from a certain kind of quartet. From a distance this quartet probably looks like an ordinary string quartet. A couple of violins, a cello, and a bass. For all of the viola players out there who just got upset, I want to emphasize that no one else knows or cares that what I said was wrong. They just assume that a bass belongs there. They forgot what your instrument even is. It’ll be okay. The universe will burn out someday. It doesn’t actually matter because it isn’t those four instruments. For one thing, all of the instruments are tuned a full tone lower. Why? I assume it has something to do with metal. The one that looks like a violin is actually called the nivoil – I know – and it uses strings that are made from the intestines of retired nivoil players. Apparently you pick out your protege, and then when you kick it, they get your gubbins to make strings from. If a nivoil player’s body is not recoverable, this causes quite the problem in the community because the strings are basically priceless. Can they be made from other things? Sure, but it’s not about the end product all by itself is it? It’s about the journey that gets you there. Or so I’m told. The cello-like instrument is called bello, possibly because it’s been tuned down. Yes, I know that b is only half a step down from c, but there are historical things at play here that you don’t understand. And the bass-like instrument doesn’t have a name as such. I think there’s a superstition against saying what it’s called. Anyway, it’s wooden, and it’s full of blood. It’s just sloshing around everywhere. The sound it makes is sort of like the creaking of a boat in a storm. If you’re thinking that there must be tons of people who play these instruments, first of all, no you’re not. You’re not thinking that. Second of all, there aren’t. There’s like four quartets we could find on the whole planet. And they are all expensive. There’s also a whole ritual they have to perform before they can play and it takes four hours, so you better plan accordingly. 

So this leads me to the dancing. Once the quartet did start playing, we were able to start dancing. Now, as I understand it, there is a great deal of politicking that goes on during these dances. These events have winners and loser and it has to do with business deals and alliances made, as well as how great you can dance, and offers of a sexual nature, but I’ll get to that in a minute. I’m not particularly concerned about winning or losing. Or at least I wasn’t until I knew that I could lose, and then I started to take it very seriously. I had to walk that back because my goals are different from everyone else’s. All the same, I’ve been practicing my ballroom dancing just in case something like this happened. The dancing is sort of like what you might expect from an event as stuffy as this, but it does have its raunchier moves. I played it pretty conservatively as I was new and I didn’t know what to expect and didn’t want to embarrass myself right out of the gate. I danced with a number of charming individuals, many of whom seemed to have a hard time discerning who I was. They all know each other so well that they can identify each other by dance moves alone. I’ll have to keep that in mind for future events. The people I danced with would occasionally whisper something in my ear about a deal or a current bit of gossip, evidently trying to tease out who I was behind the mask. I made certain business offers and commented mildly on the gossip, of which I only knew because of that date I went on. Why do I remember any of it? I don’t know. I feel as though I was able to navigate the situation well enough. Then the person I was looking for arrived. She was an older woman, possibly in her sixties. She was elegant and beautiful. She wore her evening gown like it was a second skin. Beside her were three women who looked like her from three different time periods. One maybe 21, another mid thirties, another in her forties. They were wearing masks, but you could tell. I would feel a bit conspicuous walking around with three identical copies of myself, but others may not agree. I guess there are levels of power and access that make you less concerned about the things other people are concerned about. Her daughters found their way to the drinks or the dance floor and began enjoying the party. She watched the crowd from a distance, appraising the situation. You could tell that she had been coming to events like this for her whole life. I approached her and offered her my hand. This is the standard way that you ask someone to dance. I rehearsed it. The crowd went very quiet when I did this. Eventually, she smiled and took my hand, returning with me to the dance floor. A bubble formed around us, no one wanting to dance too close or accidentally swap partners. She watched me closely. I could see her eyes scanning me from beneath her mask. “Who are you,” she asked, not at all expecting me to respond. I smiled with a rehearsed confidence. I didn’t say a word. We danced for two pieces, which is not a short amount of time under the circumstances. Finally, she said, “okay, I may have the answers you’re looking for. Find me later.” The piece ended and we bowed. Then she walked away and disappeared. I have had Violet looking for her since.

MELANTHA: Hello, Corin. I have a bone to pick with you. 

CORIN: Oh, hello Melantha. Shareholders, you probably remember Melantha Murther, the CEO of our largest competitor. 

MELANTHA: Corin, don’t try to distract me. Why wasn’t I invited to your party?

CORIN: What?

MELANTHA: You’re having a big party. Why wasn’t I invited? You know I don’t go to every party completely naked. I can clean up real nice, Corin. You’ve never seen someone so elegantly dressed.

CORIN: You were invited.

MELANTHA: Then why am I not there, huh? I’m pretty sure I would have gone if I knew there was a cool masquerade thingy with all of the Evil people.

CORIN: We sent you an invite. Your assistant said you weren’t interested in any boring nonsense that I put together.

MELANTHA: This doesn’t sound like boring nonsense, though.

CORIN: Well, it isn’t. Actually, it kind of is.

MELANTHA: Maybe to you, but I love this kind of thing. All the people, all the masks, all the Evil. It’s exactly what I want personally. I hear they’re passing around notes with weird sex requests on them. I’m really great at weird sex requests, Corin. 

CORIN: I have no doubt. All I can tell you is that we had to invite you because you meet the standards. You may not be a Kakos Industries shareholder anymore, but you have enough investment in Evil. We had to invite you.

MELANTHA: And I said no?

CORIN: It seems so.

MELANTHA: This doesn’t sound right.

CORIN: Okay, I have the letter here. “Tell Corin his stupid little schemes to try to get me to touch him are foolish and dumb. His party sounds like a snore fest, and I wouldn’t be caught dead there. I don’t care how many Evil weirdos he convinces to attend.”

MELANTHA: Okay, I might have said that.

CORIN: The party will likely go on for some time still if you want to join us.

MELANTHA: You mean, show up fashionably late?

CORIN: This would be extremely fashionable at this point.

MELANTHA: I haven’t had a gown made specifically for the occasion. Perhaps I have something in the emergency wardrobe.

CORIN: You don’t even need to stack the layers. We’re almost to the time when it’s just bondage gear.

MELANTHA: I should have some of that around here somewhere.

CORIN: I somehow doubt you’ll have to look that hard. 

MELANTHA: I don’t want to give you too much credit for organizing this event. I’m morally opposed to inflating your ego in any way.

CORIN: Yeah, I know. Come, or don’t. It’s up to you.

MELANTHA: Oh, I always come. Don’t think I don’t. (pause) What were we talking about?

CORIN: How’s your halloween party, Melantha?

MELANTHA: Sick as fuck. There’s horror clowns and circus shit everywhere. It’s spooky and creepy and weird and sexy.

CORIN: I have to disappoint you. I’m just in dress clothes right now. The masquerade didn’t leave room for a costume.

MELANTHA: Well, you’re never any competition for me anyway. 

CORIN: What are you wearing?

MELANTHA: You nasty boy, you always want to know, don’t you?

CORIN: On an occasion like this, I feel like this is a perfectly neutral question. And you were going to tell me whether I asked or not.

MELANTHA: Get this, Corin. I’m wearing a sweater onesie made from blankets. It has a bit of nacho cheese ground into the abdomen. 

CORIN: That’s different.

MELANTHA: I’ve given up, Corin.

CORIN: It sounds like it.

MELANTHA: No, it’s my costume, Corin. I’ve given up. Is there anything more frightening than apathy?

CORIN: Maybe not. 

MELANTHA: I certainly don’t think so. The blanket sweater garment has all kinds of holes in it, so it’s still horny. In case anyone wants to sneak a peek. 

CORIN: That sounds like you.

MELANTHA: I’ll probably strip it off later and just walk around naked. Is there anything more frightening than a naked, beautiful, confident woman who’s comfortable in her own skin? Not for someone like you, there isn’t. Burn. Sizzle.

CORIN: You know you have to actually set me up for the burn. You can’t just say mean stuff. There’s no wit to it.

MELANTHA: Who needs wit when you’re hot?

CORIN: The age-old question. Well, join us at the masquerade or don’t. It’s up to you. 

MELANTHA: Oh, I’ll be there. Unless I shouldn’t go, in which case I won’t. Unless it’s really cool, in which case I’ll be there. Unless it’s actually secretly lame, a situation when I won’t be in attendance.

CORIN: You’ve sufficiently covered your bases.

MELANTHA: I am everywhere I want to be always, Corin. Goodbye. For now. Or for a while. We’ll see.

CORIN: See you when I see you, Melantha. 

Alright, shareholders, changing topics, it’s time for that segment where I answer some of your burning questions about Kakos Industries.Todays’ question is “Who picks out the music playing in the hallways?” Well sometimes it’s Floyd Magnolia, one of the official Kakos Industries DJs. He’s really great at picking out some just-interesting-enough nonsense. Other times, people report hearing music when there is none scheduled to be played. This is usually just a quirk of the building settling. Or stretching. Thank you for the question.

The Division of Erotic Experiences has set up the Satisficer, their do-everything prototype sex toy, in a room on the Terrifying Lawn. Apparently you can just go in there and see if something scary happens. Spoiler, it will. Do not put yourself in that thing.

Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp, has been giving us these glowing bricks that the laborers have made from the glowing stones. We’ve been using them to highlight the paths between all of the Halloween festivities.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment will be presenting for your viewing pleasure three times this evening the battles between Punkinatrix and Turinpinator, a classic that goes way, way back. There is a common black and white photograph that surfaces when people talk about this battle, but it actually precede the invention of photography. The photograph is from yet another reenactment from decades after the battle. We do have some high quality descriptions to work from, though. I am hoping I get a chance to catch one of the showings.

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has opened a small locket that once belonged to the Princess of Quangleton. No one knows where Quangleton was, but the note attached to the locket does not mince words. The key was found in the bottom of a baggie of weed. There are no answers. Stop wondering.

So, after that particular bout of dancing at the Gray Masquerade, someone passed out these little strips of paper. The custom is to write down a dark desire of yours and then find someone to show the paper to. There is some sort of obscure and hidden scoring system for either pledging to help the person with that dark desire, or having the dark desire that everyone backs away from. The added element being that if the other person pledges their help, you’re pretty much required to actually do that thing, so you had better mean it when you write it down. The first strip of paper I saw said “make the booty clap”. I politely declined. It didn’t seem like the time or the place. Or the person. The second strip of paper was far more intriguing, though not necessarily in a great way. I read the piece of paper and it said “kill Corin Deeth” on it. When I looked up, I saw that it was one of the daughters of the woman I had spoken to earlier. She didn’t really wait for my response. She took the piece of paper back, and then very obviously handed it to another person at the party. That person backed down, which was encouraging. She laughed and moved on to the next person. I had thoughts, but it was time to come do these announcements. I had to back down. I put another person on the task of watching her so that I might know who is coming to kill me. 

VIOLET: Come in, Owlet.

CORIN: Go for Owlet.

VIOLET: Right. I’m also following that woman. The woman’s daughter. 

CORIN: How are you watching both of them?

VIOLET: How are you still wondering how I do things? It’s beyond your ken, Corin. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, okay?

CORIN: Why are you watching both of them? I gave the task to someone else.

VIOLET: Because they were going to fuck it up, that’s why. I’m watching all of them. They’re all the same woman, anyway. Clones.

CORIN: We don’t know that. 

VIOLET: The shareholders have put it together already. The woman has clones. There’s probably more than just what we saw. I mean, if you’re going to clone a woman, then this one’s a worthy choice, but clones they are all the same. I don’t have time for hints and implications, Owlet. 

CORIN: We’re still verifying it, but yeah, it’s pretty obvious.

VIOLET: The shareholders know a clone when they hear about one, Owlet. 

CORIN: And where are the women now?

VIOLET: The young one is flirting with an absolutely ancient man at the bar. The one in the middle is dancing. The older clone is chatting with someone in a big sun mask next to the musicians. The woman herself has disappeared into one of the rooms around here. I’ll find her. She’s slipperier than the others. 

CORIN: Did the middle one get anyone on board with her dark desire note?

VIOLET: Her what now?

CORIN: This is why I put someone on the task of watching her. The note. It said she wanted to kill me.

VIOLET: She doesn’t have a note on her now.

CORIN: How could you have missed that?

VIOLET: If it was important, I wouldn’t have missed it.

CORIN: It was a plan to kill me.

VIOLET: Well… I stand by what I said.

CORIN: It’s a pride thing, isn’t it.

VIOLET: I don’t want to miss anything important, so I have to get back to watching these women, Owlet. Paper Doll out.

Well, that was a waste. I’ll have to increase my security detail. 

DIRK: Happy Halloween, Corin. I certainly hope you’re enjoying yourself.

CORIN: Well, I am certainly here.

DIRK: Oh, come on, Corin. You need to enjoy yourself on a Halloween like this. What if it’s your last one? Better make the most of it, right?

CORIN: I’m not sure I can do any better than I am. Shareholders, this is Dirk Sexplosion, the head of Giant Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face, one of our preferred clients deluxe. Dirk, do I hear a mask on your face?

DIRK: Corin, you know it’s against the rules to inquire about the identities of anyone at the Gray Masquerade.

CORIN: Well, that answers my second question. And my first, actually. Of course you would be invited. You have a ton of Evil shares. 

DIRK: Did you enjoy the masquerade, Corin? Are you having fun with it? You should really enjoy yourself, you know. You never know when a party will be your last party.

CORIN: You’ve said that twice, now, Dirk. Is there something I need to know?

DIRK: Don’t be ridiculous, Corin. There’s nothing you need to know, it’s just that you might want to celebrate to your fullest. As a friend, I’m telling you to celebrate as much as you can. Enjoy your last moments on Earth, Corin.

CORIN: Dirk, what the fuck. Spill it.

DIRK: Well, Corin, it’s a funny story, you see. This woman came up to me while I was dancing and she handed me a slip of paper and it said that she wanted to kill Corin Deeth, and, well, you see, Corin, my Evil was on the line. My reputation. The way my friends and family think of me. My very existence. It was all on the line. I couldn’t back down, Corin. And now… well, now I don’t know what to do. I think I’m responsible, here Corin. I am a man of my word. I have to do what must be done. It’s about honor.

CORIN: You accepted? You agreed to help this woman kill me?

DIRK: I panicked, okay? I didn’t know what else to do! I couldn’t be made to look weak. You understand.

CORIN: I certainly don’t know why you accepted her offer. It was clearly a bluff, Dirk. Or it was. 

DIRK: What happens now, Corin? Do I kill you? I have to, right? I need you to know that I’m not going to enjoy this one bit. I’m really not sure how I got myself into this mess. What a shame. There’s only one way out, Corin! I’m just sick to my stomach about it. Oh. My stomach is really upset. I have to wonder what kind of paper that note was written on.

CORIN: Why would that matter?

DIRK: Well, because I ate it, Corin. As is tradition.

CORIN: What tradition?

DIRK: The one where you agree to do something by eating the piece of paper it’s written on. 

CORIN: What?

DIRK: She handed me the paper. I panicked. I ate it. That’s how you agree to these things.

CORIN: It isn’t. I know because I just read all of the regulations in preparation for this event. You’re supposed to put a mark on the paper and give it back if you’re on board.

DIRK: Well, what happens if you eat it?

CORIN: Indigestion? I don’t actually know. The two accepted methods of handling the situation are to put a mark on it or return it without a mark. I don’t know what happens if you eat it. I assume there’s some sort of consequence to not playing by the rules, though. You did take someone’s dark desire away from them.

DIRK: So what you’re saying is that I actually saved you?

CORIN: Possibly.

DIRK: Oh, what a relief, Corin. Oh, I thought I was going to have to take you behind the shed like a malfunctioning robot and put you out of your misery. 

CORIN: Well, you’d have to try, I suppose. 

DIRK: Don’t be silly. I’ve had to put down enormous robots with enormous robot cocks, and you, what are you, a person with a regular dick. It would be no trouble at all. 

CORIN: I don’t know, Dirk. You backed down from a challenge. Why should I think you’re up to the task? Your honor has been permanently damaged by this.

DIRK: Oh. So it’s like that, is it?

CORIN: Apparently. I’m glad you don’t have to kill me, Dirk.

DIRK: Well, I didn’t. But now… Oh hell, what kind of paper was that. This isn’t over, Corin. I’ll just have to weigh my options carefully. Preferably in a bathroom. Probably gonna have to kill you, though. For honor’s sake.

CORIN: Enjoy the party, DIrk.

DIRK: Is that a threat?

CORIN: No, it’s not. 

DIRK: Oh, okay. Bye, Corin! Smooches!

JUNIOR: Corin, I must submit a complaint.

CORIN: Oh, hey, Junior. Shareholders, you remember Junior. He’s, well, he’s a lot of things. What’s your complaint, Junior?

JUNIOR: You are here right now doing these announcements instead of being at the Gray Masquerade getting some strange Evil action.

CORIN: You mean the sex stuff?

JUNIOR: What else could I mean? People were handing you notes with wild sexual fantasies and you’re not there doing that shit? This might be once in a lifetime kind of stuff.

CORIN: I doubt that. I get the impression that for some of them this is a weekly event.

JUNIOR: It’s a special occasion. They’re bringing out the big guns. 

CORIN: It’s not, like, great stuff, Junior. It’s mostly shocking stuff. Not necessarily fun stuff. 

JUNIOR: I don’t understand, Corin. Is it not fun to do shocking things?

CORIN: Let me put it like this, Junior. Is the sex better when someone somewhere else would be offended by it? Does that improve the experience?

JUNIOR: It’s the thought of the thing, of course. 

CORIN: But it’s like, who’s having sex, you know? Is it all the people who would judge you? Is it all the people who would be shaken by it? Or is it supposed to be you?

JUNIOR: How will you know if you enjoy it until you try?

CORIN: It’s just… it seems fake, doesn’t it? 

JUNIOR: No. It seems like wild fun. Corin, I’ve been to a Gray Masquerade before and I’m just afraid that you might be missing out.

CORIN: It’s possible. There will be other opportunities. Also, it really didn’t seem like there were that many takers for all of those weird things people were requesting.

JUNIOR: WHat did you write on yours?

CORIN: What do you mean?

JUNIOR: You had to write something down. It’s the rules.

CORIN: I didn’t write anything down. 

JUNIOR: You had to. People were watching. They would have noticed if you refused to participate. 

CORIN: I didn’t do it.

JUNIOR: You did. 

CORIN: Well, I didn’t hand it to anyone.

JUNIOR: Again, you had to. Don’t bullshit me. I can see through your lies.

CORIN: I wrote down “The Holy Savior.”

JUNIOR: Holy shit. The sex move?

CORIN: Yeah.

JUNIOR: I didn’t know you were freaky like that, Corin. That’s some serious shit.

CORIN: I knew no one would say yes. 

JUNIOR: Pulled out all the stops. Damn.

CORIN: I knew no one would say yes.

JUNIOR: And what if they did?

CORIN: We’d have to find eleven other people to make it happen.

JUNIOR: Not impossible. Not even improbable at an event like that.

CORIN: It wouldn’t be the worst thing.

JUNIOR: I have to look at you in a different light, now. I think… I think I’ve lost respect for you, Corin.

CORIN: Oh, come on, You were just telling me to do some weird stuff. 

JUNIOR: Within reason, for fuck’s sake. Damn. I… I have to sit with this now.

CORIN: It was never going to happen. 

JUNIOR: No, you win this time, Corin. I wasn’t prepared for this. The Holy Savior. Damn.

CORIN: You gonna be okay, Junior?

JUNIOR: Damn. I gotta think this over. Reappraise a few things. Might need some meditation. 

CORIN: Enjoy the Halloween party, Junior.

JUNIOR: Well, I was going to. Now? Who knows.

CORIN: Don’t do this, Junior. 

JUNIOR: You’re nasty. I salute you. 

CORIN: Okay, talk to you later, Junior.

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are shining a light on Kubos Amegliatani from the Division of Cryptic Software. I am told that there is a piece of software in use here at Kakos Industries that no one understand, both in terms of user interface as well as function, except for Kubos. We have tried to do without the software, but that has led to disaster. We have made several digital scans of Kubos’s brain and we are reasonably confident we can reverse engineer Kubos if necessary, but until that time, thank you for your service, Kubos Amegliatani. 

They say that Evil once saved a hundred cats from trees, only to put them in other trees. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we’re taking credit for pomp, circumstance, and the nature of meaning itself. As always, we can’t be certain that we did these things, but we’re pretty confident. You should be confident. Be confident in us and what we tell you.

Sam Jackson has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Sam Jackson’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Captain Crayola. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a decent amount of effort and it arrived on the space for hostile. From this day forward, Captain Crayola will be 45% more hostile in all situations. That’s going to be an issue. For Evil measure Sam Jackson will be 13% less hostile even in situations where it might be a smart idea to be hostile. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad are currently doing their job around the building wearing only himations,  They tend to drape a lot of fabric over their bodies as it is, but at least this time it’s all kind of pinned together.

Let’s check in with Violet. I mean, Paper Doll.

VIOLET: What?! I’m busy.

CORIN: Busy doing what?

VIOLET: Business, Owlet. I’m doing business.

CORIN: That’s not why I sent you there.

VIOLET: You didn’t send me here. I was invited.

CORIN: Well, I invited you.

VIOLET: Because you had to. Because I qualified.

CORIN: What sort of business are you doing?

VIOLET: There comes a time in every person’s life where they need to start looking out for number one. That’s me. I’m number one. And numbers two through sixteen. I’m so used to multitasking that taking care of myself has to involve at least sixteen parallel activities. I’m here making moves, Owlet. I’m here making important connections. I’m looking for financial independence, Owlet. I want to retire early. It’s an acronym. Have you heard it?

CORIN: I know what you’re talking about. But… What are you going to do if you retire, V- Paper Doll?

VIOLET: Well, uh… You know… uh… Probably die or something.

CORIN: Is that what you want?

VIOLET: Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.

CORIN: What kind of deals have you made?

VIOLET: I picked up a side gig doing some consulting. I should be able to take care of that in my free time.

CORIN: What free time?

VIOLET: I’m also going to be on the ground floor of an Evil sports drink company.

CORIN: You have signed so many documents making that a serious legal issue.

VIOLET: What are you gonna do about, Owlet? You gonna kill me?

CORIN: I guess I’m going to make an exception. This once. Just remember you can’t share information about Kakos Industries. I won’t kill you, but someone will. 

VIOLET: So?

CORIN: There’s torture involved.

VIOLET: Oh, fine. 

CORIN: Where are the women now?

VIOLET: Oh, they’ve all fucked off.

CORIN: The main one, where is she?

VIOLET: Lost her a while ago. They’re awfully difficult to keep tabs on. 

CORIN: Is that a pun?

VIOLET: Oh, I thought we weren’t spoiling things for the shareholders. Look, they’re just at the party. They’re doing party stuff. Except the main one.

CORIN: Where is she?

VIOLET: She’s not here anymore. Not at the party. No. I’d know it if she was here.

CORIN: Well, thank you, Violet.

VIOLET: You’re welcome. Now, I’m off to see about getting mine.

CORIN: Best of luck. 

Alright, shareholders, I think I’ve gotten through everything I needed to in this broadcast. I have to make my way back to the masquerade to see about getting some answers. What’s that, Soundman? Oh, yeah, I do see her on the security monitor. She’s outside the door. I, uh, I shouldn’t keep her waiting, should I? Shareholders, I have to go see a man about a horse. Or really a woman about a grandfather. Go mix that noisy sand in with some regular sand somewhere. Throw the jar away. The numbers are next.

11

45

56

67

8

8

99

0

12

23

45

34

4

4

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, the alpha, the Omega, the epsilon and the upsilon. 

Special guest appearance in this episode by Kitt Keller, Rebecca Ryan, Anwar Newton.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Tooley, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who flipped the light switch. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has seemingly abandoned the hanging gardens project after all of the knit insects devoured it. They have started instead working on a knit version of a zen landscape.. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an old tape player that plays a specific format of tape only ever used by the most Evil of politicians to record their personal thoughts and motivations. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started leaving everyone some encouraging feedback on their desk every day to pep them up a little bit. To keep it Evil, they assure us that the encouragement is lies.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Mmmm-Mmms. “Everything on the menu is just variations on the word Mmm and it’s impossible to know hat you’re getting. 73/96”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Everything is Nuggets”. They even turn asparagus into nuggets.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by lowering the thermostat by just a few more degrees. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is now considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. It seems like they’re just taking this opportunity to catch up on music now, but they are spending a lot of time with clown rap  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that slowly eats the other cards in your deck, but with every card it consumes, it becomes stronger. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked thirteen mongooses. They were all on each other’s shoulders trying to get at a snake in a tree. The Division of Cereals, directed by Emily Reynolds has introduced dry-hopped cereal. You get a much stronger hop character than if the cereal was simply hopped at mash. The Division of Must See Train Trips, directed by Nishant and Coninika Guha-Jana has been scheduling a trip along the Death Crater Rail, which takes you past the wreckage of the Happy Mountain Science Explosion. The Division of Stone Watching, directed by An Angry Moth, has just confirmed for us that the stones are still there. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap on the hot desk. No one knows why it’s so hot. It was apparently just right for an autumn nap, though. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you. Make sure to moisten your body adequately.