In which Corin goes on a date, you get curious about a box, we learn what that spooky finger is, and Heweylewewydewey “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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What you are about to hear is made from 17 secret spices and audio plug ins.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. Let’s begin. Last time, shareholders, we talked a bit about the board here at Kakos Industries and how shadowy they can seem even to me, someone who works quite closely with them. It seems that there are some layers to the ranks of Evil that I wasn’t aware of. You would assume I would be close to the top, and in many ways I am. Closer than almost anyone. In other ways, there are quite a few things that I don’t know. Certainly, we live in a world where the powerful in business are the powerful in life, but it seems that there are other, older forms of power that linger even in our society. But I’ll get into that more in a minute.

This broadcast is coming to you today from a box with science in it. Now you might expect pretty easily that a box with science in it is capable of picking up radio transmissions. It makes sense to you intuitively that a box with science in it could pick up a variety of signals, likely using technological components. Where you may run into issues is when you begin to ask the question “what sort of science is in the box? Is it some kind of radio science?” And the simple answer is that you cannot ask these questions. I am so sorry, shareholders, but I have to insist that you let those questions go. You are not to open the box. You are not to think about the contents of the box, you are not to shake it around to see what you might be able to determine from the sounds of things shifting around inside. Let the box be full of science. Let it pick up radio transmission. Let it bring you my sweet, sonorous voice. Do not worry your pretty little head about the details inside. Because it’s dangerous. I should have probably led with that. It’s really, really dangerous to think about what’s in the box because what’s in the box is super dangerous. Basically, we had a thing, we’ll call it a thing, and we needed to get that thing away from all of the other similar things and we thought, hey, brainwave, if we make it the radio, then it will be far away from all the other things when it’s in the homes, vehicles, and places of business of all of our shareholders. And then seemingly without doing any work at all, the thing became capable of receiving broadcasts, and hey, that saves us a bunch of money on R&D. I am told that this box of science came to us as a collaboration. It would be great if I could tell you what kind of collaboration, but I sure can’t. I can’t tell you which divisions worked on it and I can’t tell you what partners of ours helped out. It is better for you not to think about it. Of course, the danger will wear off shortly after this broadcast is over, but I must insist that you leave the box sealed up or the danger will quickly return. You’ll need to just put it outside and let us collect it. Don’t get curious. I mean it. You have no idea how fucked you are if you even get a little bit curious. I should also mention that these announcements are for Kakos Industries shareholders only. If you aren’t a shareholder, then let’s be real. You already opened the box and you are already dead. You don’t make it this long being a Kakos Industries shareholder if you let your curiosity get the best of you. It’s called natural selection. 

We recently had the Pajama Festival, the Festival of Brightly Colored Hats, and Festival of Toast all in one festival. You showed up in your finest pajamas. Many of you were lacking brightly colored hats. Apparently you don’t keep those on hand. That’s fine, we had some to share. Then we made you gourmet toast. Some of it bordered on being bruschetta with the toppings we had available. Then we brought down the projector screen in the basement ballroom and started to play some cartoons from DarkMegaJapan. Some of these originally aired in the 1980s but had only just recently been translated into English. I am told that the reason they took so long to translate was that the process of translation actually created mind viruses in the people doing the translation. Something about converting the words and sentences from one language to another made some nasty mind bugs that left the amateur translators in various states of mental ruin. Our translators here at Kakos Industries were far better at protecting themselves, and they were able to complete the task. The name of the animated program that everyone watched was Summers Out. I feel like there might have been a better localization there.

We also had the CEO Festival of the Dance. I can’t really say why this festival continues to happen the way it does. We evaluate all of our festivals based on their popularity and the fervor with which all of you participate, and this is one festival that, try as I might, I cannot take off the calendar because of those metrics. You show up in leg warmers, and tights, and all kinds of neon garments, and you put together incredibly intricate routines making fun of me personally. You imitate my mannerisms and make them into dances. You use samples of my voice in your performances. You spell out insults with the gyrations of your bodies. And you risk being sent to the MegaThrillz theme park in Christhole, Texas if you come in fourth place. You know the risks. You know how lame the rewards are. And yet, you cannot resist the urge to take this opportunity to dance at my expense. Anyway, Garrison Smeebly won this year, with a routine that involved a lot of waving his hands in front of his face and changing his facial expressions. Jennifer Stell Hwick took fourth place with a routine that was five straight minutes of cartwheeling. You won’t be able to cartwheel your way out of the unfinished theme park ride you’ll be testing. Not after the harness is secured. I hope it was worth it.

Coming up, we have the Festivals of Somnambulation, Fertility, and Barbecue. We never combine the first two, for obvious reasons, but the latter two we tend to combine almost by accident every year. I am told that the theme for this year’s Festival of Somnambulation will be Moonwalking. That sounds fun. The Festival of Fertility will cater to all of you hoping to conceive only the most Evil of children by giving you the opportunity to welcome into yourself the finest Evil genetics made here at Kakos Industries. In a lab. Not in employee bodies, just to be clear. I do not know yet how we will be administering these genetics, but I am told that whatever we use will be barbecued afterward for the enjoyment of all.

Shareholders, at the top of the broadcast I was talking about how there are seemingly older power structures in Evil that persist. Well, I found a relevant recording.

CDI: hey, Corin, it’s your grandfather, Corin. Anyway, I wanted to drop you a message about some stuff you should just avoid entirely. You already know about the other Evil companies, primarily the one run by that woman, and you know about some other Evil organizations of one flavor or another that we’re competing against, but there’s other stuff, more nebulous stuff. Obviously Evil is as old as humanity. Probably even older. Kakos isn’t that old. Don’t ask me about the history of the company or anything like that because I have no idea, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t go that far back. It goes back a ways, but not that far back. These other structures, if you could call them that, are even older. It’s sort of like old money, you know? Like families that have been rich since before there was money even. Families that know how to subjugate no matter the economic system. But these people aren’t necessarily rich. Some are rich as fuck for sure, but others are far more modest. What they have and where their power comes from is harder to explain. We know it’s not magic, which somehow makes it worse. It’s like it’s belief itself. Or something. Look, I’m not going to get into the details. But anyway, there’s a sort of high society. So high that it’s basically subterranean if you catch my drift. Anyway, they have these parties and they have big events and they do all the fancy dancing and politicking and warring, and you can just ignore all of it. They suck, they barely matter, and you don’t want to be involved. If you think what we get up to at Kakos is intense, then what they get up to is on a whole other level. Also much shallower. They might come after you because you’re young and relatively powerful in a more concrete way, but just let it go. You won’t find what you’re looking for there. I tried. It wasn’t worth it. 

CDIII: so obviously I tried. I didn’t go to a party or anything like that because I haven’t been invited to any, but I did find a date invitation. So I went on a date. Here’s a recording. I have masked the voice of the date so that I do not cause any more problems than I am already.

DATE:  So my friend Tiffy stole my entire wait staff out from under me, can you believe that?

CORIN: No.

DATE:  She didn’t even offer them money, just threatened all of their families. Isn’t that the worst?

CORIN: It is.

DATE:  Like, what kind of loyalty is that? I can’t believe they would just jump ship for basically no reason like that. It’s ridonk.

CORIN: Wild.

DATE:  So I had to replace my entire wait staff.You know how hard it is to find a wait staff without a single person being the cup star sign? It’s really hard.

CORIN: That sounds difficult.

DATE:  Anyway, I had Tiffy’s majordomo poisoned. Like not to death death but definitely to death. I think that was more than fair.

CORIN: For sure.

DATE:  She’s always been jealous of me. Obviously. Everyone is, you know.

CORIN: I bet.

DATE:  It just sucks when everyone you know is terrible.

CORIN: Yeah.

DATE:  I’m just always losing friends, but it’s whatever. They make their own decisions, you know?

CORIN: Yeah.

DATE:  Like my friend Bobby. He just up and stopped talking to me.

CORIN: Whoa.

DATE:  Can you believe that?

CORIN: No.

DATE:  Like, I had his brother beaten outside of a theater in front of everyone and the press, but that was just politics, hun. It’s nothing personal.

CORIN: Right.

DATE:  It’s not like he didn’t try to kill my sister the other day anyway. I still hung out with him after that.

CORIN: Of course.

DATE:  I know it’s not personal. I mean, I did sleep with his father, but like, I wanted to, you know? And with my dad’s assassination, I’ve just been going through a lot.

CORIN: Wild.

DATE:  That was the second time my dad was assassinated. I just think people should understand and give me some space, you know? Let me figure out me, you know?

CORIN: For sure.

DATE:  Oh, Evil, don’t look now. Don’t look. Okay look a little. I used to date everyone at that table. I can’t believe they would just show up here like this.

CORIN: Cool.

DATE:  It’s no big deal, it’s just the sex was really, really, really great and satisfying.

CORIN: Nice.

DATE:  Anyway, this restaurant sucks, but I like how expensive it is. 

CORIN: Yeah.

DATE:  Did you bring any drugs for me? A gentleman always offers, you know.

CORIN: Oh, uh…

DATE:  It’s okay, I brought my own, but I’m not sharing.

CORIN: Okay.

CDIII: I cut the recording before she suggested firing guns in public as an aphrodisiac. Let’s move on.

It’s time for the Q&A Segment. Today’s question is about the most desirable bachelors and bachelorettes at Kakos Industries. This is coming on the heels of the question we had a few months ago about dating services. I checked with our Division of Matchmaking, who oversee these sorts of things, and they did present me with a list of names of people to talk about. I’m not sure if this is a list of people you would want to date, or if it’s just a list of people they need to get partnered off at some point. The first name is Jerry Kimball. He’s the director of our Division of Handsome, and he is exceedingly well-dressed. It says here that he tends to panic on first dates, but has a lot to offer if you give him a chance and don’t make him feel cornered with your body language. The next one I have here is Henrietta Wilkinson. She runs the Division of Deep Logistics, and is basically never home, but she is hot and does need someone around to straighten up once in a while. We’ve also got Tree Boots, who everyone knows and likes, but no one seems to ever get that close to. I guess if you’re looking for someone, you could do a lot worse than these three. 

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. Apparently they are working on the question of what is most sex again in their free time, and there are a number of people in their office trying to cartwheel onto or into one another. This is another one of those ideas that I have my doubts about from the start, but who knows, maybe they’ll find something in there that gives them a significant lead. Progress on the Satisficer has been moving ahead, but again, there are just more and more features being added to the list. They did pare down the number of things that can have pulse patterns, but they are now working on the idea that the Satisficer should be able to seem like multiple partners, should that be what you’re after. I explained to them that this is a non-issue because we can just sell multiple devices to people who want that particular experience and that’s more money. Have them coordinate using wireless technology or something. They disagreed. Then someone in the meeting suggested that the satisficer should be able to work with however many people want to use it at the same time, and there was a lot of excitement and agreement until they realized that this would basically require that the satisficer be infinite. The idea of putting any limitations on the device whatsoever seemed to make several of the people in the room very cranky. They argued that it didn’t need to be infinite, it just needed to be able to satisfy everyone alive now, which is only several billion people. Not technically infinite. The realization that the device couldn’t do literally everything took the wind out of the sails of some of the team. It seems like they have a lot to consider. 

I have news from our Hell labor camp, that big cavern under the earth that is just full of monsters and misery. The Division of Anthropology has started to work out a basic pantheon based on the carvings of the figurines that have made it back up to the surface. They seem fairly confident that this monster with a large belly is probably one of the more important gods based on the care and detail given to its carvings. It has a small head close to the body with two mouths and seemingly no eyes. I need to emphasize that we are unaware of any connections between this cave system and the one that lies under Kakos Industries, so there is unlikely to be a connection or cross pollination due to Matmos. These are completely separate monsters, and I assume completely separate gods. We are unable to watch all of the activity in the Hell labor camps because our monitoring equipment can sometimes go out for weeks. It has to do with the rock formations. Either that or Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in the Hell labor camp, is somehow organizing the outages to cover up things she doesn’t want us to see. That’s not super likely. It’s possible, I suppose. Anyway, we can’t keep an eye on what the people down there are doing at all times, so the details of their spiritual practices are a bit fuzzy. The Division of Anthropology has come up with a plan to send a humanoid robot down the labor camp so that they can get a better idea of what’s going on. This solution is designed to prevent anyone from the division from being mistaken for a laborer and then being forbidden from ever returning to the surface. We should hopefully have some updates soon. 

I have news about the Matmos. Well, news about The Donut, the thing I removed from the Matmos. Using some sensors they’ve attached to the object, our scientists have determined that The Donut might be thinking. The trouble is that it is thinking so slowly that we may not be alive when it finishes the thought. The scientists are curious how this thought process is affected by the Matmos and have been using small samples in conjunction with piece of the Donut to see if there’s anything there that we might not understand. It seems a bit strange that the Matmos would be so bothered by this thing being in it if it’s as inert as it seems to be in our possession. I have some news regarding Kimmie and the Matmos twins, Clarissa and Hedera. She has been trying to be their friend for a long time now and they just won’t let her do it. I’m not sure why. Last time, she doubled down on her Matmos consumption, but Clarissa and Hedera didn’t seem to respect her any more than they did before, which wasn’t a lot. I have a security footage recording of the three of them together. It looks like Kimmie has discovered some sort of strange power within her that she can use to cause the other two physical pain. Like the Matmos connection between them. She can use it to really work them over, like some sort of psychic magic. She can’t do it for long, but I guess she got to vent some of her frustration. I do get a little schadenfreude watching those two feel anything at all, which I accept is pretty Evil.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment recently reenacted Kielbasadon versus Chorizian. These Kaiju were developed by a laboratory trying to create a creature that would yield more sausage per cubic unit of death. They made these two monsters, and in typically fashion, instead of seeing their mishandlers as the problem, they decided to fight each other instead. All I can say about the fight is that everyone who witnessed the real thing wishes they didn’t know how the sausage was made. The reenactment was visceral and riveting, and a bit messy. It was amazing.

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has recently turned a key that jettisoned a section of a space station into space. It’s just detached and floating away now. Maybe they shouldn’t have turned that key, but again, it’s not about should, it’s a question of must.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Their efforts to court both The Church of Diuretics and The Siblinghood of the Spooky Finger have been moving forward. Unsurprisingly, we have plenty of people here at Kakos Industries interested both in fancy coffees as well as golden showers, so The Church of Diuretics has been moving the fastest. Apparently they start out with a bunch of interviews and then they record you doing something embarrassing, usually involving urine as you may have guessed, to try to enforce compliance through blackmail. This sort of thing does not scare our operatives on The Division of Secret Societies. Send those tapes to their mothers. They don’t give a fuck. The Siblinghood of the Spooky Finger is moving more slowly, but I am pleased to tell you that I now know what the Spooky Finger is. It’s a finger on this guy Dale. It’s spooky in the sense that he should probably have it looked at by a doctor. But it’s also weirdly interesting. I’m not sure I fully understand the appeal though.

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are spotlighting Timothy Weller from the Division of Faxes, Mimeographs, and Photocopies. I am told that TImothy has never once struck a machine for malfunctioning, and he always get the work done, even when there is a firmware update hobbling his entire office. Thank you for what you do, Timothy.

They say that Evil once mixed all of the sauces together and drove a small town insane. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we’re taking credit for sweet, sour, and the flavor of that one childhood treat that was discontinued and will never return. This one is probably one of the more likely scenarios I’ve presented during this segment, but I still sense that there might be some doubts out there about whether or not we did these things. Let those doubts go. It’s in your best interest, as always.

Heweyleweydewey has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Heweyleweydewey’s Nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Hydrogen. We gave the Wheel of Misery a thorough spin and it landed on the space for merciless. From this day forward, Hydrogen will be 31% more merciless than before. Sometimes being merciless is a helpful thing, like if you’re a warlord and basically no other time. This is one of those other times. Hydrogen is not a warlord, and the lack of mercy will be a problem going forward for sure. Especially around the office. And around the house. For Evil measure, Heweyleweydewey will be 22% less merciless, which is lame as fuck. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team responsible for making the Wheel of Misery’s dictates come true, has recently been doing their job around Kakos Industries wearing gold socks and wristbands. It’s pretty shiny. It would be nice if they had something else on also.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. Put the box of science outside. Don’t think about it. Don’t open it. Just let it go. It’s for the best. I will, of course, be continuing my investigations with regards to these shadowier Evil figures and I will keep you up to date. The numbers are next.

7

7

7

8

8

9

8

7

12

12

12

4

4

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a berson made of bees. Special Guest appearance in this episode made by Ryan L Jenkins.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries. We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Tooley and Kristina Kirkland. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who got the ball out of the street. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit an an enormous swarm of butterflies landing on their hanging gardens. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has been displaying an old carnival fortune telling machine called Evilinio. All of its fortunes are bleak, and many of them are correct. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started eliminating tense conversations about things other than work. Arguers are limited to four words at a time and usually give up out of frustration.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Food Balloons. “All of the food is in a balloon and you kind of put your mouth over it. 7/19”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Leftover Sticks”. The book details how best to put your leftovers on sticks.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by making all of the chairs a little squeakier. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is now considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They’ve been listening to a lot of brostep and rubbing their chins curiously.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that hurts to look at. It’s got all kinds of jank patterns on it and awful colors. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked one hundred and sixty gazelles. They are not taking any questions. The Division of Cereals, directed by Emily Reynolds has introduced chewy cereal. It’s a real workout, even when soggy. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap on the big pile of cardboard boxes sitting outside the Division of Recycling. Apparently it was cozy enough. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark, we recorded this joke 2 years ago. Is the world still on fire?