in which Corin does some sleuthing, we hear from Corin Deeth I, who is trying to go deep, and Suini Ciderborn “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Ryan: What you are about to hear should be immediately destroyed using the last strength and energy in your body.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. People sometimes ask me why they would want to DO Evil Better, and my response is always simple. You’re already doing Evil. Why not strive for greatness in your life? Why not ask for more? Why not Do Evil Better?

Shareholders, it’s been a minute since you’ve heard from me and I am thankful for your patience. As the recording from my grandfather recently may have indicated, I have been doing a bit of digging, which is not always the safest thing to do here at Kakos Industries. There is a lot that I am unprepared to discuss as of yet and much more that I have yet to learn that I think I might need to, but we are on this journey together. I am glad to have you here. Thank you. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a noisy banknote. That’s right, we sent you a fat banknote worth some denomination of money, but when you picked it up, it started to play back this broadcast. I am sorry to inform you, shareholders, that this is not real currency, though, as the CEO of an Evil corporation, I am recommending that you try to spend it somewhere all the same. This radio comes from a collaboration between Danny’s Discount Denominations, and our Division of Bone and Boner Conductance. The bill in your hands is vibrating the bones in your body at audible frequencies. You might also feel a little tingle down below, and that’s okay too. I am told that the frequency response is most of them, and the distortion is surprisingly low for using your body as the resonant chamber. Some people prefer the mild addition of third and fourth order harmonics. This broadcast, like always, is exclusively for Kakos Industries Shareholders. If you aren’t a Kakos Industries shareholder, then you are not allowed to listen to these broadcasts. You had better put that banknote down. Go put it in the tip jar at the nearest cafe if the shareholder it belongs to isn’t around. 

Shareholders, there have been several festivals and celebrations at least since you last heard from me, but I think we have more important things to discuss. You might wonder why I share so much about what’s going on here at Kakos Industries, but I think it’s important for you to know that this is actually part of the deal. I’m supposed to share. It makes things more personable. It gives you greater satisfaction about being a shareholder. You can’t stop being a shareholder, and we definitely do want you to feel uncomfortable about that fact, but if I can give that discomfort a friendly voice, then why not? We can be uncomfortable together. And also, I’m not sure why, but it really seems to help my thought process to share with you like this. 

I have been looking into the shadowier factions here at Kakos Industries. The ones that might want me to behave differently. The ones that might have preferred my grandfather’s style of leadership, like he mentioned in that recording from a few months ago. As you can understand I do have to be somewhat sneaky about all of this, but I think I can comfortably say what I’m about to say without risking too much. If they realize I’m onto them, maybe they’ll stop what they’re doing. A little while back, I had caught wind of a meeting for one of these groups. I used some listening technology that Soundman Steven helped me to put together to eavesdrop, but I wasn’t entirely successful. I heard a few words here and there, but it was muffled and distorted. I hid when the meeting ended, and once they had locked up, I broke into their meeting room. Something you might not know, shareholders, is that basically everyone at Kakos Industries learns to pick locks eventually. It’s a skill you pretty much need at times, Sometimes the lock on your office door changes without warning and it’s better for everyone if you just get in, get what you need, and then worry about why the lock changed later. Anyway, it was not a particularly difficult lock. I don’t know if this was because they weren’t worried about what was inside or if they were simply relying on being inconspicuous to avoid any problems. All the same, I was in. I found a number of interesting documents, but they either use a language I don’t understand, or a code that we have not yet been able to break. I kept them. They were going to know I was there one way or another. That was mostly because I found some recordings from my grandfather. They were on tape cassettes, so it was going to be hard to make a quick copy. I was going to need to just steal them and hope for the best. I don’t think they had any doubt who took them, so I don’t think there’s any real harm in me saying this. It would appear that my grandfather had gone on his own search for answers in his time. We have a tape to play here in a moment, but there is one other thing I wanted to mention. Through the wall, it really sounded like they were all calling each other Tabitha. Okay, play the recording, Soundman.

(Tape hiss)

THERAPIST: Hello, Mr. Deeth, please come in and have a seat.

CDI: Thank you, and thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

THERAPIST: I think we can agree, sir, that there are few people more worthy of me making time. 

CDI: Well thank you. I appreciate it all the same. 

THERAPIST: Is it okay if I call you Corin?

CDI: Oh, gods, why?

THERAPIST: Never mind. Could you tell me what the device with the blinking lights is?

CDI: What? This? Oh, it’s a tape recorder.

THERAPIST: Are you recording right now? 

CDI: Yes, I am. I think it’s important that I capture every moment of this on tape.

THERAPIST: I think you should shut the tape off for now. 

CDI: No.

THERAPIST: It will give us more freedom in what we talk about.

CDI: You think I give a shit if people think I’m crazy? They know I’m crazy.

THERAPIST: I don’t think that people think you’re crazy. And there may yet be things you would rather keep just between us.

CDI: It’s staying on.

THERAPIST: There are some ethical and legal concerns that we should talk about before we continue with the session then. I’m required to have authorization if I’m recording a session. Then again, I suppose I’m not the one recording it.

CDI: I waive all my rights.

THERAPIST: All of them?

CDI: Yes. Can we just do this?

THERAPIST: I’m not sure why, but I feel like we should also be discussing my rights as you’re the one recording this.

CDI: I’ll put some kind of voice filter on you.

THERAPIST: Can you do that? On the tape?

CDI: Cutting edge technology doc. Your identity is protected.

THERAPIST: It can tell who’s talking and selectively apply a filter? On tape?

CDI: Yes. Can we move on? I’m in a hurry and neither of us are technology experts.

THERAPIST: Very well. As this is our first session together, I think it’s wise to begin with an assessment. That way we can establish where you are emotionally speaking and what goals we have for working together.

CDI: No, I don’t have time for any of that. 

THERAPIST: I really don’t know where to begin if we don’t establish some kind of baseline.

CDI: Doc, look, I’m well and truly fucked. What’s going on between my ears is a horror show I don’t wish on my worst enemies, and I’m the CEO of a company that does Evil on purpose. 

THERAPIST: I believe that the stresses of your job are probably very intense. Would I also be correct in making a note about addressing a substance use disorder.

CDI: Why?

THERAPIST: Well, sir, I can smell you from here.

CDI: What do I smell like?

THERAPIST: I can smell the alcohol on your breath.

CDI: I haven’t had anything to drink today.

THERAPIST: In order for us to have the best working relationship, it will help a lot if we are honest with each other.

CDI: I had a lot to drink yesterday. Like a lot. Maybe it’s still in my system.

THERAPIST: I see.

CDI: Woke up a little groggy, but I’ll be okay. Took a handful of speed.

THERAPIST: And who is the prescribing doctor for those pills?

CDI: Oh, Doc, you’re cute. You think I need a prescription around here? Half of the divisions in this building are working on drugs, and it’s a point of pride for them if they can claim their chemicals are keeping me in top shape.

THERAPIST: We’ll come back to that subject.

CDI: Let me save you some time, Doc, and make this real simple. I don’t want you to shrink my head. Like I said, I’m a disaster, mentally speaking, and what you’ve got in your books there on the shelf won’t begin to touch it. There is no helping me there.

THERAPIST: It’s important for you to believe that you can change otherwise it will be difficult for us to move forward. 

CDI: I’m not here for you to fix me. I’m here for you to help me do something.

THERAPIST: Very well. What’s that?

CDI: I want you to hypnotize me. I want to go deep. I need to find something. It’s hidden deep in my mind. 

THERAPIST: Hypnosis doesn’t quite work like that.

CDI: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, I’ve already tried everything else. There’s these mushrooms from the jungles of South America. They didn’t get me where I needed to go. The DarkMegaLSD didn’t cut it either. All of the psychedelic concoctions and tinctures and extracts and leaves and what have you didn’t take me deep enough. I need to go deeper, and you’re going to help me do that. 

THERAPIST: Are you certain that’s a great idea, sir? Without having an understanding of what we’re trying to do, it would be difficult for me to properly assist, let alone guide you where you need to go.

CDI: There is so much I can’t remember.

THERAPIST: Because of the drugs?

CDI: Well, yeah, but not just because of the drugs, okay? Stuff from before the drugs. 

THERAPIST: Like?

CDI: Like where the hell did I come from, you know? I’m CEO of the greatest Evil corporation that has ever existed, and there’s an expectation that knowing too much about my life before or my family would just get in the way. They probably did something to me to make me forget and I probably signed off on it. But it doesn’t make sense. When did I start working here, even? Who came before me?

THERAPIST: That was before my time. I wouldn’t know. You know how it is about asking questions here.

CDI: It really seems like it was before everyone’s time. I’m old, but I’m not that old.I’m not ancient. This building, it’s ancient. You ever seen some of the catacombs connected to the basements? This place goes way back. Way the fuck back. There’s stuff down there that doesn’t make any sense for it to be down there.

THERAPIST: Am I authorized to know any of this?

CDI: If I told you, you’re authorized. Whether you can live with the knowledge is another thing. Tell you what, if I say anything too weird. It’s just because I’m an old druggie who’s having a break from reality. Don’t think about any of it too hard. Can we get started on the hypnosis. 

THERAPIST: Sir, I don’t know if I’m willing to take on the risk of hurting you through misapplied therapeutic techniques.

CDI: No one knows I’m here. If anything goes wrong, roll me up in that rug, drag me out through the front door, and drop me in the unfriendly lake. No one will ask you a single question, and no one will ever find me. I believe I waived all of my rights. Can we get started?

THERAPIST: Close your eyes.

CDI: Oh, thank Jangus. It’s fucking bright in here.

THERAPIST: I want you to imagine yourself in a completely dark space. There is no stimulus whatsoever. It’s a completely black space.

CDI: Check.

THERAPIST: Now I want you to picture yourself at the top of a long escalator. It’s slowly bringing you down. Very slowly it’s bringing you down. At the bottom of the escalator is a feeling of deep calm and relaxation. Please take a deep breath.

CDI: (breathing in. Coughing. Breathing in again.)

THERAPIST: The escalator is bringing you down. Slowly. You’re inching ever closer to that feeling of calm and relaxation. Breathe deeply.

CDI: (breathing)

THERAPIST: Feel your body relaxing and letting go of everything. Your stresses and your worries, you can leave them behind for now. For right now we’re just relaxing as deeply as we possibly can. I’m going to count down from ten, and on zero, you will be the most relaxed you possibly can be. Your mind will be open. Ten. Nine. Eight. 

CDI: I’m relaxed already. Let’s keep it moving.

THERAPIST: One. Zero. 

CDI: (Breathing deeply)

THERAPIST: Now, what do you see around you?

CDI: A shopping mall. 

THERAPIST: Why a shopping mall? Were shopping malls important to you as a child?

CDI: There weren’t any shopping malls when I was a child. I assume. No, Doc, I’m seeing a shopping mall because you told me I was standing on an escalator.

THERAPIST: Where in the shopping mall are you?

CDI: The food court. There’s a cinnamon roll place and a juice place and an orange chicken dispensary. All of the lights are off.

THERAPIST: What can you smell?

CDI: Oh, definitely the cinnamon. Are smells really necessary for this?

THERAPIST: It’s helpful to keep you grounded in the moment. Can you describe the scenery? 

CDI: I’m alone. There’s skylights. It’s afternoon. A bit cloudy out. The ceiling is painted like a blue sky with wispy clouds. The daylight is the only light as far as I can tell. There’s roman columns holding up the ceiling. 

THERAPIST: Ionic or doric?

CDI: Corinthian. 

THERAPIST: Elaborately carved capitals with leaves and such?

CDI: Did I stutter?

THERAPIST: You did not. Tell me about the floors.

CDI: Marble. Or fake marble. Can you fake marble? 

THERAPIST: I believe you can use a veneer. Where would you like to go?

CDI: What do you mean?

THERAPIST: We have a whole mall in front of us. Where would you like to go?

CDI: Where can I go?

THERAPIST: Anywhere you would like.

CDI: Maybe I just need to explore. I don’t know where I want to go just yet. 

THERAPIST: Pay attention to the feeling in your feet as you walk across the hard marble. 

CDI: It’s definitely not real marble. I’m leaving the food court. 

THERAPIST: What do you see?

CDI: Shops. Selling all kinds of stuff. There’s a place with yoyos and a place that promises to pierce your ears.

THERAPIST: Classic.

CDI: It’s getting darker. The lights are still off.

THERAPIST: Can you turn the lights on?

CDI: How do you expect I do that?

THERAPIST: Is there a light switch?

CDI: Why would there be a lightswitch where I can reach it? It’s a mall.

THERAPIST: It’s your mind.

CDI: There’s one of those doors that leads to the employees only section. I’ll try going in there. Would you believe it. There’s a lightswitch. I’ll flip it.

THERAPIST: What happened?

CDI: The lights turned on. The carousel is moving. There’s music.

THERAPIST: What does the music sound like?

CDI: Like carnival music, I guess. Dun dun dunny dunny dun dun dunn dunn.

THERAPIST: Entrance of the Gladiators. Originally it was supposed to be a strong, fighting song.

CDI: Well it sounds like clowns fucking to me.

THERAPIST: Describe the carousel.

CDI: There’s horses. White and black and brown. A dragon.

THERAPIST: Which one is your favorite?

CDI: Doc, is that really necessary?

THERAPIST: It might be.

CDI: I mean, dragons are cool. But probably the walrus.

THERAPIST: There’s a walrus?

CDI: Does it matter?

THERAPIST: Probably not. Can you describe what’s around you now?

CDI: It’s more shops. The signs are blurry, but one of them sells clothes. Another one sells makeup. One of them is just full of bloody rags. Wow, the cost of bloody rags has really gone up.

THERAPIST: Which store do you think you’re looking for?

CDI: How am I supposed to know that? Probably the store with some fucking answers. Oh, well, would you look at that.

THERAPIST: I cannot, unfortunately.

CDI: It’s a store that sells answers. 

THERAPIST: Like a help desk or info kiosk?

CDI: A whole damn store that just sells answers. There’s a poster in the window. It says “where did I come from?” on it. Another one says “Who am I?” A third one says “Does he really love me?” I don’t think that last one is for me. Well, it could be, I suppose. I can’t really think of why, though.

THERAPIST: You should go inside.

CDI: I can’t. It’s closed.

THERAPIST: Are any of the stores open?

CDI: Their doors are open, but no one is working inside. This one, the windows are papered over behind the posters and the door is boarded up.

THERAPIST: What would you like to do?

CDI: I don’t know. I guess I can’t turn back now. This just seems like clear communication from my subconscious. It doesn’t want me here.

THERAPIST: What are you doing?

CDI: I’ll need something to break down the door. Oh, well, would you look at that.

THERAPIST: I still can’t see anything you’re seeing.

CDI: Crowbars ’n’ More. I don’t think they’ll mind if I borrow one of their fine prying implements. 

THERAPIST: I’ll look the other way.

CDI: The boards are coming down easily. I’m actually going to make it inside, doc. This is incredible. 

THERAPIST: What are you seeing?

CDI: There’s light inside. And sound.

THERAPIST: What do you hear?

CDI: It sounds like dogs barking. Little dogs.

THERAPIST: Do you think there were dogs in your past?

CDI: I have no idea. Okay, I got the last board down. I’m going inside. Oh, son of a bitch.

THERAPIST: What happened?

CDI: There’s like a hundred chihuahuas in here, Doc. 

THERAPIST: Chihuahuas?

CDI: Yeah, little yappy fuckers. That mean anything to you, Doc?

THERAPIST: I’d be more interested in what it means to you.

CDI: Not a damn thing. The rest of the room is empty. Like, stripped to the bare studs. 

THERAPIST: Maybe you’re not ready to see what belongs there?

CDI: Nah, Doc, that ain’t it. There was something here once. Not only has it been removed, but it’s been overwritten. With fucking chihuahuas.

THERAPIST: Perhaps you can go deeper. Perhaps there’s another store.

CDI: Maybe. But probably not. I think this is the end of the road, Doc. There’s nothing here. Whatever happened to my brain was permanent. Before all the drugs. Probably. Before some of the drugs at least. Okay, Doc, pull me out.

THERAPIST: You can just open your eyes. 

CDI: Whoa. That was wild. Did I say anything to you?

THERAPIST: When?

CDI: When I was down there?

THERAPIST: You don’t remember? The mall? You said a lot to me.

CDI: A mall? Why was I in a mall?

THERAPIST: You don’t remember?

CDI: Not a thing. I’ll have to listen back to the tape. Did I find the answers?

THERAPIST: I don’t think so.

CDI: Fuck.

THERAPIST: Sir, I don’t want you to think I’m presumptuous, but I think it’s worth working on some of these problems still. Would you be interested in scheduling another appointment?

CDI: Doc, like I said before I went down, there ain’t no fixing this. And it looks like this might not be the right route for answers either. 

THERAPIST: Well, if you reconsider, you know where to find me.

CDI: Of course.

(Tape ends)

JUNIOR: Hello, Corin.

CORIN: Oh, hello, Junior. Shareholders, I am sure most of you are familiar with Junior. He’s a monster and a consultant here at Kakos Industries. 

JUNIOR: Are you afraid to admit that we are family as well?

CORIN: Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, Junior.

JUNIOR: Touche.

CORIN: What brings you down to the studio this time?

JUNIOR: Isn’t it obvious, Corin? I thought it was obvious.

CORIN: Isn’t what obvious?

JUNIOR: What needs to happen.

CORIN: Does anything need to happen?

JUNIOR: You need to go deeper, Corin. 

CORIN: I want you to go back and look at all the words you just said to me and try again.

JUNIOR: I’m talking about hypnosis, Corin. I’m talking about taking you deep in your search for answers. 

CORIN: You want to hypnotize me? You think it will go any better than what happened with the old man?

JUNIOR: Why shouldn’t it?

CORIN: I don’t really think this is the right time, Junior, and I don’t know if you’re the right person for the job.

JUNIOR: You called me a person, Corin.

CORIN: I… did.

JUNIOR: You love me.

CORIN: Well, um.

JUNIOR: I cannot think of a better time to do hypnosis on you than when you are live with all of the shareholders listening in. Don’t you think this would be the best time to plumb the depths of your psyche?

CORIN: It’s funny, but I don’t. 

JUNIOR: The dynamic excitement of live broadcast. We could blow people’s minds!

CORIN: Wouldn’t it be better to know what we’re going to blow their minds with? We could prepare so much better if we knew what the results were already.

JUNIOR: You lack courage, Corin. You need to open yourself up. You have to face things with no fear.

CORIN: Perhaps, but not right now. We’re almost out of time anyway.

JUNIOR: We’re out of time when I say we are. You are getting sleepy.

CORIN: I’m not.

JUNIOR: I’m going to count down from ten.

CORIN: Don’t.

JUNIOR: You’re on an escalator.

CORIN: I’m in a chair in a recording booth.

JUNIOR: Your mind is a blank canvas.

CORIN: You can’t hypnotize someone who is unwilling, Junior. That’s not how it works.

JUNIOR: When I snap my fingers, you will be in a deep state of relaxation.

CORIN: I wish.

JUNIOR: Alright, fine, we shall return to this. With psychedelics. 

CORIN: And a trained hypnotherapist.

JUNIOR: You lack courage, Corin. I am disappointed. I shall prepare the sensory deprivation chamber for when you have found a shred of self-respect. 

CORIN: Okay, Junior.

JUNIOR: Adios.

I have been doing a segment where I answer some of your questions about Kakos Industries. It seems a little awkward to answer your questions when I clearly have my own to contend with, but fair enough. Today’s question is “What is a Kakos?” I will answer with those immortal words: if you have to ask, then you’ll never know.

Suini Ciderborn has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. This means that the life of their selected nemesis will be ruined by our skilled technicians here at Kakos Industries. That nemesis today is Lord Reverend Dan E-currency Farman. We gave the wheel of misery an anxious spin and it arrived at the space for Adaptable. On the face of it, this seems like a nice trait to have, but that is only until you begin to adapt to things you wish you never had, things you wish would have killed you after all. From this day forward Lord Reverend Dan E-currency Farman will be 40% more adaptable. For Evil measure, Suini Ciderborn will be 13% less adaptable. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team responsible for making the life-ruining declarations of the Wheel of Misery come true, are currently running around the building dressed only in what appears to be goth goop. It’s like a mixture of unwashed human residue with a heavy dose of white face paint and eyeliner. It’s just all over. Like trad goth, but their whole bodies. There is a smell.

This brings us to the end of our broadcast for today, shareholders. I certainly still have quite a bit to think about. I think it is fairly obvious that there are forces at work here that are resisting me, but I think they also don’t have the power to actually stop me. We shall see. Until next time, the numbers are next.

3

3

4

3

5

3

6

18

9

90

1000

4

8

4

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle,  a golden goose on a mission to save the golden goose.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries. We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Tooley, and Diontrey. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who found the missing puzzle piece and Anastasia K who ran it seventeen miles back to the puzzle competition. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit several thousand gnomes and have moved on to knitting flamingos for the gardens. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an Evil X3700, a computer once manufactured by Kakos Industries. It has no screen and can only print using the user’s blood. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started adding tense strings to the office ambience, making employees feel like they need to get their work done quickly and then get the hell out before whatever is about to happen happens..  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed The Flavor Laser “Not sure how the lasers have so much flavor, but they really do. 7.3/9”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Getting High with Food”. Apparently you can use some household ingredients to create wil effects.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by filling the lunch room with stale doughnuts. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has gotten bored with textures. They are now considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil, and high pitch squeals are currently winning.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that has like a really sexy picture on it. It can help to keep you awake while waiting for other players to finish their turns. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked so many mites. We don’t know how many, and the stack isn’t exactly visible to the naked eye, but there are microscopic photos. The Division of In-Office Fan Fiction, directed by Kristina Kirkland, has started to write a hot new fic about the couches in employee lounge 3. They have incredible tension. The Division of Cereals, directed by Emily Reynolds has introduced Cereal Dust. It’s just what’s left over after we make the other cereals, but people seem to love it. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a light snooze on a pile of secrets in the Division of Comfortable Secrets. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark, try learning to fly, airplane optional.