in which Corin receives some more “gifts”, an interrogation is held, Kimmie gets one of her wishes, and Caleb Martin “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear is paper crinkling.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III CEO, and I am, as always, obligated to share these announcements with you, Kakos Industries shareholders. Happy New Year. I hope that it treats you and all of yours well. Last time we discussed in detail the confusion that I have been experiencing regarding the Matmos and just what the fuck it wants from us. If you’re recently joining us, or you don’t know what I’m talking about due to the consequences of an experiment that we ran here at Kakos Industries, then let me remind you that the Matmos is this sort of black ooze that lives in and around Kakos Industries and we’ve recently learned quite a bit about its sentience and its ability to affect and infect people and to somehow connect them to some sort of semi-hivemind. I’ll admit that if you’re coming into this knowledge cold, then that probably sounds like a lot, but please understand that it has been a slow build for those of us following along in real time. I’ll get into the updates we’ve had in due time, but for now, let’s get through the regular formalities. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a guitar practice amp that has been modified to include a radio and play back these announcements. As far as our radios go, this one doesn’t really require much stretching of the imagination, but not all of our radios can be animatronic, or using some sort of biological antenna, or some other high tech what-have-you. Sometimes you get something that has a speaker and an antenna in it. Apparently, this radio comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Shred and Dave’s Guitars. Apparently the Division of Shred had the wild idea to increase global Evil by teaching all of the world’s children to play heavy metal. While this idea is flawless, it somehow ran into trouble when even teaching children to play heavy metal requires a significant mental hurdle that not every child is ready to make. There is a certain amount of focus required, and repetition, and all of that, so it can be difficult to get the kids to sit still and learn, even if it is both badass and super Evil. So we have like a lot of extra practice amps. They are so fucking cheap when you buy in bulk. Anyway, it’s somehow in stereo because that’s important to the Division of Radio Transmission, but I can’t exactly see how. The sound quality is a little boosted in the mids, but you can dial in the tone with the EQ controls if you want. And if things aren’t knocking your socks off, then go ahead and crank the gain. It won’t get that loud, but it can get a whole lot more distorted. Of course, these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders, so if you’re not a shareholder, then you’ll need to start shredding right away. I don’t care what you shred with. A seven string baritone guitar works just fine. Scissors will also due. Pantomime is probably acceptable also. Whatever you do, you’ll need to become Evil as soon as possible. There are frequencies hidden in this broadcast that can rattle you to your core and send you directly into madness if you don’t embrace the darkness within immediately. 

We recently had Yule, shareholders. You were probably there. As always, we celebrate the darkest night of the year with a big celebration including a bonfire, excessive imbibing, and some downright unruly dancing and singing. I am also contractually obligated to dress as the Krampus monster and to dole out punishments to all of you who so wish for your Evil deeds by spanking you with a bunch of sticks. This process takes up most of my evening, if I’m honest, so I don’t usually get to enjoy the other parts. Like, you might be thinking, how many of the shareholders really like being bent over and/or punished and/or spanked, and I think you can stop right there because you know deep down that it’s already a lot. For me, it’s business. I emphasize that every year. I have been known to enjoy my work at other times of the year, but whacking people with thorny sticks just gets tiring after a few hours. I like that you like it, of course. I like bringing Evil to your lives. There are a few of you I look forward to the one minute updates on your life from as we go through the ritual. I get to know quite a few of you that way. There weren’t any awkward surprises this year. Kimmie did not set up Eddie to make a fool of herself or me this year. She’s far too busy with Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the Matmos. As we’ve established, they just kind of lounge around the building, but in a way sort of reminiscent of corpses. They’ve attracted a lot of attention from this behavior. Kimmie and Eddie still spend a lot of time together, but Kimmie’s more mischievous inclinations are directed elsewhere. About an hour before dawn,during the celebration,  I was finally free enough to sit down and enjoy a nice glass of beer with Kimmie and Eddie as most of you lost your shit around the bonfire, screaming and flailing, and welcoming the sun once more. 

We also had the Jestival recently. Quite a few of you actually wrote jokes and did your best to entertain a crowd. Others of you lampooned me in tired and lame ways and I had you sent to party jail for the rest of the night. Look, if you don’t have a party jail at your get-togethers, then I think you’re missing out. I don’t think I’m going to party without a party jail if I can help it. Anyone harshing your fun time, put ‘em in party jail. Simple. I love it. 

Our New Year’s Eve celebration is always a blast. This year, the theme was doing a lot of drugs. I think that was the theme last year, and maybe even the year before. Just lots of drugs. And alcohol, which is like the worst drug, really. I assume that we are all paying for our excesses today in some way. May your recovery be speedy. 

We are looking at having the Festival of Darkness and the Festival of Genes in person again this year. The Festival of Darkness will be about finding the darkest places where humans can still exist, which is usually inside of our hearts. The Festival of Genes will have flavors this year. I am so excited to figure out what that means. 

I mentioned that I would get into some updates about the Matmos people. I mentioned last time that there seems to be some difference between the kinds of cloaks that the people infected with the Matmos wear. I have continued to receive dead animals and other gross things from the people in magenta cloaks. I don’t even really want to tell you that much about it because it’s just unpleasant. It’s like a cartoonish level of unhinged. Anyway, I needed some answers. The only way to get answers without drinking the ooze is through Clarissa and Hedera. So, I decided to go limp with them. I mentioned their penchant for just sort of taking up space and trying to look as dead as possible. Well, I did my best to emulate this technique. I found them and I lay down. Not quite the way that Kimmie has approached them in the past, respecting their space and time. I’m a busy man and I need answers quickly, so I upped the pressure. I lay across their laps as they sat against the wall, completely sprawled, dead weight. Ordinarily, I try to respect people’s personal space and boundaries, but it was honestly no worse than they’ve done to me. Applying literal pressure with my whole body. If I thought it wasn’t annoying enough, I could shift and make it that much more uncomfortable. And they couldn’t escape without moving me, so it made it really difficult for them to sneak away or change anything without admitting defeat. Truth be told, they could handle what I thought for sure would be too much contact and awkward spinal positions for much longer than anticipated, so I started to lean in with the listless moans. I couldn’t even stand myself during that time. It was that annoying. Without beating around the bush, Clarissa asked me what I wanted to know. I rolled away from them, freeing them from the burden of my weight, and I got to the point. I asked about the magenta cloaks. Clarissa responded that “They belong to The Princess”. 

I knew that they had likely budgeted me a number of words so I had better be brief. I asked if The Princess was one of the monsters. Hedera simply said, “she’s a pool.” I started to roll back onto their legs when Clarissa added that The princess is an old collection of Matmos, separate from the other pools. And she’s gone weird. I gathered that her followers shared in that weirdness, that isolation, that psychological decay. 

Hedera added that “they don’t, like, hang.” I think that means that they’re kept separate and they don’t jive with the rest of the people living with the Matmos. I asked why they kept to themselves. 

Clarissa rolled over and put her forehead to the ground in anguish. “Fucking politics.” There was an exasperated sigh. 

Hedera added, “They probably heard we were talking to you and had some fomo.” I asked what I should do. 

Clarissa just kind of screamed into the ground. “They suck so much,” she said. I took that to mean there wasn’t an obvious answer. I knew I had limited time left before they went silent again. I asked, what about the dancers in the slightly purplish cloaks. 

Hedera said, “Oh, they belong to Buddy. He’s chill.” 

I could sense that they were just about to clam up. “Who do you belong to?” I asked. 

Clarissa sat up, looked me dead in the eye and said, “fucking not you, asshat.” 

I was surprised by that outburst to be sure. I was so caught off guard all I could think to say was, “I know that.” 

Hedera wanted to head off my next question and said, “look, it doesn’t work that way, okay?” At around that time, Kimmie had appeared with her makeup kit ready to do some wild designs on the faces of Clarissa and Hedera. She was surprised to see me sitting there by them and to see that they were talking to me. 

Seeing an opportunity, they both sprang up with much more energy than I would expect them to have. They each grabbed one of Kimmie’s hands. “Take us to get dinner,” Clarissa said. Kimmie could barely sputter an assent; she was so excited that they actually wanted to do something with her. 

Kimmie looked back at me with a surprised face that seemed to say, “I don’t know what you did, but thank you.” I had gotten about as much information as I had expected, so I went on with my day. I checked in on Kimmie later and she told me a bit about how the evening went. She said that it started promising. The Matmos twins wanted her to take them shopping so she went down to the Kakos Mall and took them to a couple of the shops. She told me they bought nothing but black sweats and they put them on under the robes and insisted on shoplifting. They convinced her to get an ear piercing from a kiosk. Then she took them to one of the nicer restaurants in the building where they proceeded to get very drunk. She described them chugging wine like it was water and they had just been exercising in the summer heat. They ate some expensive food, and then proceeded to vomit in the halls on the way back. She got them cleaned up and then just sort of left them where she found them. Not all that educational as I understand it. That being said, it was definitely a change of pace, which I think Kimmie appreciated. 

Now, I could just leave all of this up to time and the benevolence of this black sludge to some day tell me everything that’s actually going on, but I have a company to run, and while a certain amount of chaos does paradoxically improve morale and our functionality, at a certain point you lose that benefit and things just start trending downwards. So, a group of the magenta hooded figures brought me a box filled with dead rats and I gave the signal and my security team grabbed them and took them in for interrogation. I don’t have to wait. I don’t have to hope. I don’t have to give them space to do whatever. Unfortunately, the people in the magenta hoods seem to be fairing about as well mentally as you might assume from their gifts. They are a variety of ages, but they all have this kind of strange look in their eyes. They make plenty of noise, but they’re not really speaking any languages we could figure out. And the laughter is just bone chilling. There is a coherence in a sense to the way they speak. They seem to understand each other. Then again, they could be communicating entirely telepathically, or however the communication through the Matmos works. But who knows what they are thinking or saying to each other. Our best interrogators found that basically nothing worked. No offers, no bribes, no threats, no pain. They just kind of roll with it. At a certain point, the interrogators gave up. We were able to identify a few of the people based on DNA samples and other biometrics. The ones we were able to identify were former employees who just disappeared for the most part. A few were from divisions that closed down and they kind of slipped through the cracks when reassignment came up, possibly literally as well as figuratively. Others just walked off the job one day. The story isn’t that different from what we learned about other people who live with the Matmos. Of course, some employees disappear before we’re able to build a complete profile on them. Contrary to what some may believe we don’t always bring people in on day one and then extract their DNA and fingerprints and whatever else might identify them. Dangerous jobs, sure. We need to. But for your average employee? Not always necessary. And besides, we can always collect DNA and other important information from the trash our employees discard or leave at their desks. We have our ways, okay? But some people go missing before we have the information. We’re guessing that’s the case with some of the younger members of this group. We couldn’t get anything out of them. We told them not to kill any more animals to give to me. We told them that was creepy as fuck. It probably made no difference. We let them have their hoods back and we let them loose. 

We also took in some of the people with the slightly purplish robes that do all of the dancing. They’re pretty chill. Very calm. Not particularly deep. Couldn’t really tell us what was going on, but they kept talking about Buddy. They really liked Buddy. I don’t know if that’s a title or a name. Like, it was really hard to get anything from them. They kind of seem high, these people who belong to Buddy. And they’re also all very thin. Like, the doctors that checked them out felt that they were malnourished. I gave one of them a hamburger and he said, “Aw yeah, thanks bro, this looks delish.” And then he just kind of giggled for a while while the food got cold. At one point a member of our team reminded him to eat the food, and he was very thankful for the reminder and had a french fry, then went on and on about how great it was without eating another one. The members of this particular group mostly came from the closure of the Division of Extra Aggression, which looked for ways to make people that much more aggressive. It’s definitely a shift from their personalities before. The Division of Extra Aggression was only closed down about a year ago, so it does make us wonder if Buddy is a relatively new presence, or if their people just tend not to survive long under the influence. For obvious reasons, I think, we’ve been looking into ways to remove the Matmos from people. Not just to ensure the loyalty of our staff, but also to maybe save some Evil lives. We’re going to check on the ever so slightly purplish robes again soon to see if things are still not going well for them. We may need to intervene. They have to be eating something at least some of the time or they wouldn’t have lasted this long. We’re just not sure what. 

So I should also mention that a different group of robed people brought me some dead flowers. We didn’t see who did it, but there have been rumors about hooded figures in slightly more form-fitting cloaks, but the cloaks also happen to have cat ears at the top. I’m so excited to learn more about them.

Clarissa and Hedera gave me a half-eaten jar of peanut butter the other day. Clarissa told me if I asked any questions she would scream. There’s a part of me that thinks the oozes must be seeking to curry favor with me, but I can’t imagine why. From my understanding of things, they don’t seem to view me as particularly powerful or important. It’s also possible that the ooze is playing with me. It’s also possible that it’s just not as smart as we give it credit for being. Especially these smaller segregated pools. We always want to imagine other people as being smart and in control, but oftentimes the world is just dumber than that. Maybe the same is true for sentient oozes. 

Today we’d like to spotlight another one of our most accomplished employees. That employee is Glenda Hankle. Glenda works in our Division of Quantum Surveillance. They tell me she hasn’t stopped observing for even one fraction of a second in ten years. Thank you for your hard work, Glenda!

The Division of Erotic Experiences seems to still be struggling with the question of “What isn’t sex?” I think the trouble they’re running into is just about anything can be sex if the parties involved want it to be. If it turns them on, then who is to argue? But they’ve been really struggling with this. Like up all night thinking about it. And by them I mean Dr. Dunkelwissen and Jasmine Aashna. Rather than argue with them, or try to get them to refocus on other projects that actually advance Evil in the world, I’ve just forbidden them from taking any stimulants of any kind. I feel like that can be a first step in an obsession spiral. Dunk without his stims, though… He’ll need to be monitored. I should tell you shareholders that, while this Division is certainly a favorite of yours, we’ve been slowly reducing their budget and their workforce because they just aren’t showing us the results we would like to see. I think that has something to do with why their works have been more conceptual as of late. That being said, if they come to me with a great idea, then I’ll give them the budget to do something with it. This ain’t it, though. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to opened the escape hatch in the back of the monster enclosure. They let the monster out. They will stop at nothing when it comes to discovering the purpose of those keys. 

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment recently reenacted Tentaculatorio versus Squiddly Do Bop Bow. They had approximately three people in each costume to manage all of the tentacles that were flying everywhere. It was chaos. If you were in the front row, you really had to watch out or you’d get whacked. Entertainment at its finest. 

They say the Evil once scored ten goals despite not playing for a team in that match, nor playing the correct sport. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we’re taking credit for clothing, makeup, and the insecurity you feel about your appearance no matter what you do. Obviously, we can’t know for certain that we did these things, but we definitely did, and it would be wise for you to agree with that before that amplifier in front of you starts to feed back. 

Caleb Martin has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Caleb’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Baaphomete. That’s an unusual spelling. We gave the Wheel of Misery a solid, firm spin, with eye contact, and it landed on the space for minimalism. We all know that minimalism can be a great design philosophy. We also know that it can be an amazing goal to declutter one’s life. But we all know someone who’s taken it a bit far, don’t we? From today forward that friend will be Baaphomette. For Evil measure, Caleb Martin will be 17% less minimalist, which might lead to some excessive clutter. We shall see. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team charged with the task of dealing out the life-ruining blows that the Wheel of Misery dictates, are known for wearing some outrageous costumes. They ran afoul of the Wheel of Misery some years ago over something I cannot remember and as a result they have needed to listen to the Wheel’s whims when it comes to how they should dress. We’ve seen them in recycled materials before, but it appears that right now they are going about their business just covered in LEDs. I am told that the LEDs are all dead. I don’t know how I would know that just looking at them, but there you are.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. What’s that Soundman? Yes, I can see that the cat ear hooded people are outside. Yes I can see that they have a gift. I’m looking at the same monitor you are. No, I don’t want to talk to them. It’s going to be weird. Like really weird. How can they not be the weirdest ones, Soundman? Can  you not see the cat ears? No, I’m not shaming them. Look, maybe I am a little. Can we just ignore them for now? I’m sure it’s going to be stupid. Anyway, shareholders, you have two options. You can either destroy the amplifier or give it to a young person with strict instructions that they only play heavy metal. Only heavy metal. Until next time, shareholders. Happy New Year, and I hope it’s a perfectly Evil one for all of us. The numbers are next.

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

3

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a smack to the face you really needed.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Attack, and Diontrey. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who rode in the back, Rocket who also rode in the back, Kristina Kirkland, who also also rode in the back, and Anastasia K, who told the dirty jokes from the row in front. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has continued to knit a sporting arena. The cheap bleachers are mostly done, now it’s time for the turf. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an old wood burning kit off of the Internet. It is known for started over a hundred fires. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has has taken the person with the weird and loud laugh aside to make them self-conscious about it, saving the ears of everyone else.  The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “I’m only answering questions I like right now, but try again on Tuesday”. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Have it Kale Way. “Everything is Kale. It is a disaster. 4.5/17”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Meals to Eliminate Optimism”. The book includes entries for a number of depressing meals to cook for yourself in the middle of the night.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by announcing the sudden departure of a well-loved coworker. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has been looking deep into all of their own eyes in the mirror just getting lost in there.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that allows you to get the last ten minutes of your life back. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that regularly prays to a weird bug god. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked eleven lions. They were very well-behaved and got some nice treats after. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has installed an overdrive switch to a rock. It just gets rockier, I guess. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has gotten really deep on the old Agatha Christie lore. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions Directed by Kevin Rowland has created an expansion set that includes marbles for some reason. The Division of Post Apocalyptic Delivery directed by Cave Hill, King Kill of the Murder Valley in the Mountains Found the coordinates on the island. Nothing remained, but the package was delivered. The Division of Prospective Exoplanet Tourism, directed by Victoria Wood, has started working on a pamphlet for Cetus-9-77C. This Hot Giant will Melt Your Heart with its Breathtaking Vistas and average temperature above boiling.  Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark, try befriending the local wildlife just in case.