in which we are invited deep below Kakos Industries by Clarissa and Hedera, and Monty “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear is a very dry complicated joke that will take years to unpack and then isn’t very funny.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO. At Kakos Industries we help our clients and everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better. I was able to narrowly avoid the danger in the last broadcast, although my desk had to be replaced and Soundman had an opportunity to get a few new microphones to replace the ones that were damaged. That seemed to make him happy. I’ve made it known to all of the bards out there in the world that they had better steer clear for a while, no matter how cool the thing is that begins to happen to me. They need to stay away. I will not be sung about. Besides the repairs to the studio here, there have been some interesting developments, particularly in regards to Clarissa and Hedera, sometimes called the Matmos Twins, but I’ll get into that more in a bit. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a collaboration between our Division of Hygiene and Teethbreesh Inc. If you followed your instructions, you began brushing your teeth at the designated time and this electric toothbrush will be sending the sound of this broadcast into your ear canals from inside of your mouth for the remainder of the broadcast. I would warn you not to brush too hard because you’ll be brushing for a long while and you’ll do yourself more harm than benefit if you push too hard. The name of this toothbrush is the Sonic Amaze and the production models feature wireless sound connectivity. We’ve removed this feature to replace it with the necessary broadcast receiver, but the sound quality is basically the same. They say that different sources of audio actually change how well the toothbrush works, and they recommend doom metal for the cleanest teeth in the least amount of time. As always, this broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you are not a Kakos Industries’ shareholder, then I would recommend that you stop brushing your teeth at the recommended two minutes or you’ll risk damaging your teeth forever. And as a side note, what the fuck are you doing? You found a random toothbrush and you just stuck it into your mouth? Do you do this with all of the toothbrushes that you find? What if it was on the side of the road or something? I mean, I know this one was wrapped up and had instructions, but did you think they were for you? I’m just curious what your thought process actually was because this makes no sense. Why are you brushing your teeth right now? Is it bedtime? Did you just eat? I have to make a comment here about what happens if you’re not a shareholder in every broadcast, but this one has me just scratching my head. You’re using a toothbrush that isn’t yours right now. Doesn’t that weird you out? The shareholders at least know that the toothbrush is theirs, right? It’s addressed to them. There’s one for each person in the household. But you… who the fuck are you? Why did you put this in your mouth? It just makes me wonder, you know? And, look, I’m just going to call it. You’re Evil. You don’t have to do anything differently. You’re Evil already just as you are. You put a strange toothbrush in your mouth and that’s a chaotic kind of energy that can only be on our side of things. I’m not saying you’re upper management material, but you’re some kind of Evil, for sure. Well, that line of threatening wrapped itself up neatly. Everyone keep brushing, but like I said, not too hard, okay? 

The 90’s Rave themed Festival of Somnambulation was amazing. I am told. I was completely out the entire time. It seems like kind of a dice roll whether or not they have me stay awake for the event or participate as intended. There are pictures of me in my pajamas covered with glow stick fluid. I asked the DJs if they could let me know what they played at least, and it seems that they were sleepwalking as well, and were sleepwalking also when they made their playlists. The Rave featured heavily vinyl sets as well as some acid music made using your standard synthesizer jamboxes. Really, it looks like it would have been a cool party to go to while awake, but such is the nature of these things.

The Festival of Fertility definitely delivered on the expectations I set last time. I am told that in lieu of having the typical humanoid or phallic creature to spread the genes to those wishing to conceive, there was instead just a lot of semen. Like an unbelievable amount of semen. Like what a large city produces in a day levels. There was a layer that was inches thick all around the floor of the basement ballroom. It got in everyone’s shoes and we had to completely replace the carpet. I will admit that this was not the classiest method of dispersal. I think there was some sort of accident and a leak overnight or something of that nature.  I am told that the genetics contained in these samples come from our most Evil experimental batches, so you are guaranteed a child that will surpass your expectations in terms of maliciousness and nefariousness, at the very least. We maintained a strict two hour period where only those wishing to conceive could enter the basement ballroom and do whatever it is that they needed to do. Then there was a party sub for those most critical of prenatal nutrients. Then we let everyone leave, and that’s when we opened the doors to the people who just wanted to be in there for whatever reason. You know what the reason is. I know what the reason is. We’re all doing our best not to shame anyone who wanted to make a sperm angel or, well, you get the idea. There was just a lot of this stuff. I am told that it was certified from deep in the balls, but the balls in question do happen to be experimental tissue that has never been connected to a brain of any kind. Yes, yes, we all know some people like that. It’s a very funny joke you just thought of, shareholders. A large set of balls that cannot think. Sounds like someone we all know. Except this is very serious science. And for what it’s worth, yes, I am sorry that I read any of this out loud to you just now. I’m very sorry. 

Coming up… nope. Don’t like the sound of that right now. In the not too distant future, we have the Festival of Books. This is the time every year where we open the forbidden sections of our libraries to all of you so you can read all of it to your heart’s content. Or until your heart stops beating, which is not uncommon. These books are kept away from you for important reasons. If all they did was make you more Evil we’d print a million copies and give them out for free. They have more complicated consequences and some of them are so intense that you may actually perish. We have the hottest erotica known to man simply titled “The Fuck”. It has claimed seventeen lives that we know of. There’s also some documentation on relatively extreme methods of torture that have, in all likelihood, never been done. They are too complicated and gross and flimsy and you need too many accomplices, and, really, if you thought the erotica was masturbatory, then the people who spend all day writing about pain and torture and violence are on a whole other level. There is one book that I am told has caused at least one person to die of cringing too hard. It doesn’t even include the title here because it is too embarrassing, and, I’m quoting here, “I might cut myself on the edge.” There’s also various books with special handling precautions because they are toxic or poisonous in the more literal sense, but people tend to gravitate towards the porn and the violence. I’ve read a few pages of The Fuck and it definitely heats up quickly. I’ll tell you that much. 

We also have Halloween at the end of the month. I’ll spare you the details. You know you’ll be there. You know you’ll have an amazing time. And yes, there is a strong chance that something stupid will happen to me during the broadcast. It can’t just be bad luck, can it? It has to be some resonance of events that always synchronizes around this time. Or perhaps some sort of predestination, though I’m not sure I can believe in that. Maybe it’s just allergies. But I’ll be on my guard, and I will likely be wired up to record everything that happens to me. For better or worse.

I have some updates from our various divisions, but I feel as though I’ve buried the lede long enough. You will of course remember the Matmos Twins Clarissa and Hedera. They don’t actually look alike, but they appeared at the same time and they are inseparable. Kind of like fraternal twins, I guess. Except they don’t even look related at all. Look, the name stuck. Anyway, they appeared around this time last year and shortly after they kidnapped me leading to a lot of excitement around here last Halloween. Then we killed their favorite monster, or perhaps master, or perhaps god. Its name was Qurgurgurth. It ate me. You don’t get to live after you eat me. The Matmos Twins have since sort of lounged around Kakos Industries refusing to move or speak or really do much of anything other than eating chips and desserts from the vending machines. Some people find their passivity and resignation to be cute, relatable, or a turn on, but we’ve barred anyone from pursuing them until we could verify brain function. That’s how limp they’ve been. Last time they read a poem that summarized their grief at the loss of Qurgurgurth, a name I was not expecting to say this often. We shrugged it off basically because there’s nothing to be done now. Angus killed the monster and when we went back to collect the remains it had mostly melted into more black ooze. We call this black ooze the Matmos. It’s all around Kakos Industries, but usually deep below the building. Some people say that the building is slowly sinking into the ooze, but that’s just speculation. The arrangement of the building changes at random, so measuring the distance from the floor at the main entrance to the ground in front of it isn’t a straightforward task. Sometimes there’s a hell of a step up there for no reason, and that’s not exactly evidence of sinking. Long term trends are a bit more open to interpretation. Well, anyway, I’m getting away from the point.

I awoke a few weeks ago with Clarissa and Hedera in my bed. They were naked. I was naked. Kimmie was naked. I don’t normally sleep naked. At first I was shocked. I couldn’t explain the situation and it looked bad, even by our standards. Kimmie stirred and was just as surprised as me that the other two were there. She asked me if we had finally figured out if they were cognizant enough to engage in romantic activities because she could be down for that. I said I had no idea. I had no explanation for why or how they got there. They clung tightly to me. They said, “we forgive you.” in a quiet voice just above a whisper. I could see Kimmie trying to appraise the situation. She has a superhuman ability to feel no jealousy, but kind of in a way that makes you sometimes wish she might, even if it meant you might not get to do something fun. But she looked concerned. I held still. There’s no playbook for moments like that. Their arms were around me. Their legs were around me. I could feel things I was trying to ignore in contact with my skin. I could feel them breathing on my neck and on my chest. Deep breaths. There were perhaps a few tears. Kimmie watched them quietly. I had maybe hoped that she would break the tension somehow, but these two have been a project of hers for months, and seeing them do anything other than lie about mournfully was a huge development. They were holding me tightly enough that I knew their strength would have to let out eventually. Especially if all they eat is processed corn products. Being held… feels nice, for most of us. People, I mean. And being embraced deeply communicates something that words can barely hope to attain on their best days. I felt warm, and affirmed, but I pushed the feelings away. I had no idea what the context was. I had no idea what was going through their heads. I had no idea what was going through my head to be honest. Eventually, their hold on me loosened and I could breathe a little more easily. Then they grabbed my hands and pulled me out of bed. I was still naked. I pulled against them for a moment, but Kimmie insisted that I go with them. I reminded her I was naked. I wanted to dress. She told me she would take care of that. 

Clarissa and Hedera dragged me down the hallways, the three of us in the buff. It was early enough that there weren’t many employees in the building, but… there were some. Kimmie was behind me with clothes in her arms, but she was still naked and the clothes were obviously only for me. A janitor watched us go by and just sort of nodded at me respectfully. I might have preferred no response, but it was what it was. They dragged me to an elevator, which took us to a staircase, which took us to a long hallway, and then a hatch, and then a series of caves lit by odd white lights. I quickly lost my sense of direction as we moved through. There were branching paths and it all looked the same to me. I knew that I would have to rely on them to get back. Or maybe Kimmie had a better memory. Caves are kind of tough to navigate if you aren’t prepared. And that’s when we came to a large opening inside the cave, and in that opening there were ruins. Or at least what looked like ruins. The cave was brightly lit by pale soft blue lights. At the start of the ruins, they slowed to a stop and let my hands go. Kimmie offered me my clothes, but I felt awkward being the only person dressed so I just kind of held them. Maybe we were supposed to be naked there. I don’t know. I was just waiting to see what would happen. Around the buildings, which on second appraisal were not as old or ruined as I first thought, there were dark pools of what I could only assume was the Matmos. At this depth below the building, it’s basically everywhere. Slowly, people started to emerge from the buildings. They were dressed in dark cloaks. I thought to myself, oh great, this is how I die. I was so curious what these two were up to that I threw caution completely to the wind and now I was naked holding a folded shirt and slacks. One of the cloaked figures withdrew her hood to reveal an old woman. Her irises appeared to be completely white with maybe a hint of blue. She looked at me. Then she looked at Clarissa and Hedera. 

    “Took you long enough,” she said. 

    “We forgot,” Clarissa replied.

    “Poor dears,” the old woman replied. “You’ve been cut off.”

    “It’s hard to think,” Hedera added. 

    “That old fool was doing the thinking for you, was he?” They nodded in response. “Well, he’s gone now. Your senses will come back in time.” The old woman produced a small vial of black liquid and pulled a dropper from it. Clarissa and Hedera kneeled as she put one drop in each of their eyes. “That should help,” she comforted. They nodded slowly. 

    Meanwhile, I was still standing there with my dick out. I was afraid to move. A couple of hooded figures stepped forward with folded gray robes. They took my clothes and handed me one robe. They handed the other to Kimmie. Now, there’s kind of a weird thing about Kimmie. We’ve had a lot of conversations about this, but she has this thing about clothes that apparently goes way back. The way she describes it, they don’t make sense to her. Like, she knows why people put on clothes when it’s cold out or to shade their bodies from the sun when it’s hot, but she has this resistance to getting dressed that she has to overcome nearly every single time. She says “It’s bullshit” or “We’re all lying to ourselves” or “It’s a scam” or sometimes just “clothes are for fools.” There’s some real frustration that goes along with it. Obviously, she wears clothes and gets over it, but she describes it as the resistance you have to initially getting in the shower, but a hundred times worse. Once you’re in, it’s mostly fine, even if it is “the most idiotic delusion of society.” All this is to say that I put my cloak on to end the awkward feeling I was having, but Kimmie just sort of held hers like it didn’t even click for her that it was hers to put on. Like she was holding it for someone else. Or maybe she didn’t even recognize it. I tell you this mostly because, in hindsight, I think it’s really fucking funny. I’ve been teasing her about it since, which has led to more arguments about how stupid clothing is, etc. She likes clothes, by the way. She buys fashionable things. She buys things that make her look nice. She just hates putting them on. That part doesn’t click. And I think it’s hysterical. I’ve got my own idiosyncrasies, but damn, this one is professional level. There are a lot of reasons why people might be naked at Kakos Industries and we try not to make a big deal out of it, but I think the reasoning behind it is just so ludicrous to me that I needed to tell you. I’m sorry. We can continue. 

    I didn’t notice an immediate change in Clarissa and Hedera, but I honestly had no idea what the purpose of the eyedrop was. So, I’ve just gone into one of Kimmie’s most endearing idiosyncrasies, so now it might be time for one of mine. Without knowing why or even really wanting to say anything at all, I asked “What are their names?” I guess I was dying to know.

    The woman’s face didn’t change at all. She looked to me and asked, “What have you been calling them?”

    I told her that we were calling them Clarissa and Hedera. 

    “Those names will do,” she replied. 

    I didn’t understand at first, but it was all explained to me soon. This society down under Kakos in one of the cave systems was an old one. It seems that Matmos naturally accumulated down there in great quantities. It’s a kind of organism, a decomposer like fungi or bacteria, but it has a kind of intelligence when it pools up in great quantities. It evolved to influence as well as consume. It gained an advantage over other similar lifeforms by nudging other lifeforms towards chaos, or perhaps Evil, which would lead to more destruction, more death, and more to eat. I asked how they knew any of this and she indicated that the people living in this cavern can communicate with the Matmos, and she added that I had done so myself, whether I realized it or not. At that moment, I felt this surge of connection. I looked at the Matmos Twins, and at this old woman, and I felt something tying us together. The old woman smiled at me.

    “You felt it, didn’t you?” 

    “It was all purged from me,” I replied defensively.

    “Not all,” she said. Then she produced a small cup and held it to my face. Like tears, a few black drops came from my eyes and dripped into the cup. “That’s the last of it,” she said. And just like that, the awareness of those around me disappeared and I felt somehow trapped inside myself. I was alone. “Of course,” she continued, “you’ll need to come into contact with it again, but for now you are free.”

    I didn’t feel free. I felt cut off. I felt lonely. I hadn’t even realized the connection was there.

    “You can see why some might choose to live this way,” she said. I did understand. The black drops were followed by a handful of actual tears. “With the liquid, we are all connected. Not completely, but enough that we are never alone. We do not need names. Some of our thoughts or feelings may make their way to another. We become part of a network. We are distinct, and yet we are able to think together. Or in the case of these two,” she pointed at Clarissa and Hedera, “completely offload your ability to think to one of our lords.” The two winced. The humor of the scolding was cut short by the realization that Qurgurgurth was apparently much more important to these people than I realized. That could come with consequences. 

    “I can no longer feel what you are feeling, Mr. Deeth,” she continued, “but I assume you are concerned we have brought you here for punishment. It is true that you will answer for the things that you have done, but not today. We have requested your presence because the liquid wanted you to know of us. It wanted to make an introduction. It wanted you to have this as well.” She handed me a small vial of the black liquid. Just looking at it I felt a longing for the connection I felt moments prior. I didn’t want to feel so alone inside of myself. The temptation to let it back in was strong. But I resisted. As she said, there may come a time where I would need to seek that connection again. To communicate. To get answers. Then she handed me a scroll. “And this,” she added. It has some handwritten information and some drawn diagrams about the Matmos. Our best scientists have struggled for decades trying to understand the Matmos, but here were at least a few of the secrets. There was a fair amount of the history of the group and I could see a drawing of Qurgurgurth as well. I knew that Grace would find this information to be extremely valuable. I was intensely curious as well. A lot of strange things have happened to me in the last year or so, and I might finally get some answers. My thought process was broken by Kimmie’s voice.

    “Daniel?” she said. I looked over and one of the cloaked people appeared to be a young man. “This is where you ended up? We have a memorial service. What the hell?”

    I could see the shame on his face. The others could feel it too. 

    The old woman spoke on his behalf. “When we are unwanted elsewhere, we find our way here.” 

    “He was supposed to come back with pizza,” Kimmie insisted. “I wanted that pizza.” 

    I assumed this happened in the Ohh Ahh days. Daniel bowed awkwardly and moved quickly away from us. 

    “These two will lead you home,” the old woman said, changing the subject. Clarissa and Hedera stood before us. “Thank you for coming,” she added, though her tone was flat.

    “What’s your name?” I asked. It looked like the entire group rolled their eyes at once. Like, I get it’s a dumb question from their perspective, but I knew I would have to tell you. And Grace would want to know. 

    “Valeria,” she replied. “I was called that once. It doesn’t suit me anymore.” 

    The Matmos twins grabbed me by the hands and dragged me away, ending the conversation. “Don’t be dumb,” Clarissa said. 

    Unable to stop myself, I said the words, “you gave your ability to think over to a monster.” 

    “You wouldn’t understand,” Hedera said. Kimmie followed close behind us. The two were pulling me quickly through the tunnels, making it difficult or impossible to ever retrace the steps. 

They pulled me all the way back to my apartment in the building. Then they let go of my hands. “Are you going back?” I asked. 

“No,” Clarissa said with detectable frustration. 

“It wants us here. Watching you,” Hedera added. 

“Lame,” Clarissa said with a frustrated sigh. 

“Like before?” I asked.

“We don’t have to be all up your ass this time,” Hedera replied. “We’ll be around, though.” Then they kind of sat down on either side of my apartment door with their arms crossed. Kimmie and I went inside. We sat down on the bed. It felt like it had been two lifetimes since we had seen it. She still had her gray cloak in her hands. She looked at it finally.

“Have I been naked this whole time?” She asked angrily. I started to laugh. “What the fuck,” she said. “I told you to tell me if I forgot.”

“There wasn’t a chance,” I replied, but then she started hitting me with one of the pillows, and from there I couldn’t speak because I was laughing too hard. 

Grace found a lot of interesting information in the scroll that I gave her. It listed the lords, including Qurgurgurth. They are all strange monsters. Not the sort of thing we make, at least not anymore. There was some implication that the Matmos had guided their development from humans, and it claimed that they were hundreds of years old. The rest was somewhat cryptic or missing bits of context that you might forget if you’ve been living as a connected consciousness for years. It was still far more than we had before.

On a whim, I looked up the name Valeria in our employee database. There aren’t many by that name, and there is one who has been missing since 1978 who looked a lot like the old woman. I spent a few hours looking through the lists of missing employees and I was able to place more than just Valeria and Daniel. Calling them unwanted would be too strong, but many had little in the way of family or obligations. Grace wanted me to give her the vial, but I kept it. The temptation to be connected again has faded. The exasperation of Clarissa and Hedera certainly makes it look less fun. They weren’t in the missing employee rosters, at least not that I noticed. There are, understandably, a lot of photos, and with makeup and hairstyling, who knows. 

The Division of Erotic Experiences was really quiet recently, then they sent me what looks like a photocopied but, but I assume it’s a digital rendering of some kind. 

I received a note that said, “Come on, tell me!” I think this is a continuation of the previous note asking if I like this person. The answer is still “who the fuck are you?” 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to opened a weird small door. Then they locked it again and they will not tell us what they saw.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment took some time off after the long fundraiser they did last month, but I am told they are working on something special for Halloween.

Today’s employee spotlight is for Gerard Neem. Apparently in forty years he has never been late. Or early. Always exactly on time. Well done Gerard. 

They say that Evil once took a submarine all the way down just to scare the weird, blind fish. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we are taking credit for the color green, the middle shade of gray, and that red spot on your skin that keeps showing up when you least want it to. As always, if you disagree, your dental hygiene will get significantly worse. 

Monty (in a British accent) has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result the life of Monty’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Jupiter Jenkins. We gave the Wheel of Misery a serious spin from the shoulder and it landed on the space for Drained. From this day forward, Jupiter Jenkins will be 30% drained at all times. For Evil measure, Monty will be 12% more full. Not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds uncomfortable. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad have been wearing just glass fishbowls around their pelvises. It somehow magnifies and distorts their junk making it look even more obscene than usual. They must have gotten really proficient at glass cutting. 

And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. I’ve obviously got a lot to think about. I have no idea what another meeting with the Matmos will look like. I’m glad Clarissa and Hedera are finally speaking, but… seriously everything they say is just rude. At least they’re not all up in my ass like last time. The numbers are next. 

67

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70

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, ya boy.

Briauna: Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Attack, Diontrey, and Dwight Spencer. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who measured twice, Rocket who cut once, Kristina Kirkland, who  hammer three times, and Anastasia K, who held everything still. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, had a terrible fire at the hotel they knit and every single guest they had knit perished. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased a sewing machine designed specifically for human skin. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has moved the keys on the keyboard to where your fingers keep accidentally pressing anyway.  The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “My answer is in the mail”. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Tasty-hedron, “Food in shapes you could never imagine. 13/17”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Dessert Salsas”. You had a suspicion they might exist, but you never knew there were so many..  The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 13-X-2. It vibrates soothingly.  The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by making the bathroom no one else uses out of order all day. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has continued trying to figure out what the Evilest part of their bodies is. The dry knuckle skin is gaining.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that gives you little kisses on your fingers. It’s weird as hell, but somewhat endearing. The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has presented The Sound of Mucus. It’s a lot of coughing and hacking, but we are told it is technically music. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that has a big crush on you. It knows everything about you. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked a series of camels by interweaving the humps. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has introduced a jar of sand that you can turn off before going to bed. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has started using partnered brands as answers. You know the answer, but you’re mad about it. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions Directed by Kevin Rowland has created an edible duplicate of the game that you have to finish eating to win. The Division of Post Apocalyptic Delivery directed by Cave Hill, King Kill of the Murder Valley in the Mountains finally found the graveyard. The grave had been in disrepair for some years, but a guarantee is a guarantee. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark, call up someone you haven’t talked to in a while and reconnect.