in which Corin goes looking for some ideas from some unlikely places, we get our usual updates from around the building, and Fred Ghoti “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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RYAN: What you are about to hear is your own reflection in your darkened fell phone screen looking back at you.

CORIN: Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we specialize in helping our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Shareholders, I have to let you know that I will be somewhat distracted today during our announcements. You see, we have some families that we’ve installed chips in the brains of. The chips don’t really allow us to influence their behavior aside from the occasional stray obscenity, but they do allow us to witness everything that they experience or think. They are given about thirteen dollars a month in exchange for this service, but they are totally unaware that they are participating. I am told when this system was set up, this amount of money was actually pretty great, but it really hasn’t kept up with inflation. Nowadays it just seems like a bank error. These people are not directly involved with the trouble we’re experiencing today, but they are sort of the cause of it. You see, we keep track of various metrics based on their thought patterns and feelings. It tells us a lot about the Evil in the world and what the common person is thinking. And they have been extremely distracted lately. Their thoughts have been plenty Evil, but the truth of the matter is that they are not thinking so much about Kakos Industries when they think those Evil thoughts or think about Evil things. Now, this can be an anomaly based on any number of bizarre and unusual events out there in the world. All the same, we are forced to take these changes seriously. This means that we need to do some Evil, and big flashy Evil, so that people take notice and start associating us with their Evil thoughts once again. As you can understand this has been coming for a while. Things have been very distracting. So, I was tasked with some flashy Evil, and I did what I always do, I reached into the bowl of Divisions and I grabbed a handful. Then I called them up and told them to come up with something. The Divisions I’ve picked are The Division of Driving Real Fast, The Division of Look What We Fit In There, The Division of Whaling and Wailing, The Division of Baked Evils, The Division of Weird Eyeballs, and the Division of Unusual Exercises. I told them to get right on it, and they got right on it. I also gave them a deadline of about right now not thinking that they would wait until the last moment. They did. At any rate, I expect those Divisions to be sending me their plans for creating big, noticeable Evil pretty much any time. Once I had delegated to my own satisfaction, I got this recording from my grandfather. 

CDI:    Oh, fuck, Corin. I just heard you need some Evil ideas like yesterday and badly. Look, we’ll get  through this, okay? We’ll get some really great ideas, okay? Everything is going to be fine. We just need to think. Just think, Corin. Just think. Come on, brain. We just need to think. Get some juices flowing. Brain juices. Aw, come on. We’re gonna have some ideas. Come on, oh baby. Fuck yeah, give me one fucking idea. It’s okay, Corin. I got this. I’ll get an idea any minute. Fuck. Come on, idea. Come on, idea. Ideas. Fuck. Come on. Oh, fuck dammit. Okay, Corin, let your old granpappy think for a minute. I’ll get you some fucking ideas. Yes, I will. Some great ideas. You’ll be right out of that tough spot. Oh fuck, come on, brain!

CDIII: So I got that recording and then expected something after it or either a longer recording or some sort of deluge of recordings to follow it, but I have received nothing. And that was the end of that tape. Now there’s a part of me that thinks that the person responsible for delivering these recordings to me might have forgotten. My grandfather is unable to deliver them himself on account of being dead for over eight years at this point. But I just received another recording moments before this broadcast, which makes me think that somehow the recordings themselves procrastinated, just like the divisions have. That makes sense if you know anything about these recordings, I promise. At any rate, here’s the second recording. 

CDI:     Oh, fuck, Corin. I know we’re getting down to the wire here. I’ll get you some ideas, sport. Just hang on. Keep the tides of destruction at bay just a little bit longer and old peepop Deeth will come through for you. Get ready. Just hold on a little longer, bud. We got this. Oh fuck. 

CDIII:    I’m not sure how necessary it is for my grandfather to be so upset at this point, or even at the point when he was recording these potentially decades ago. There are no serious consequence for not addressing this problem. In fact, it’s been building up for a while, and we’re just now getting around to it. All the same, this is not two way communication, as I mentioned, on account of his death, so I can’t really do anything to try to calm him. Let’s move on. So far, the chips in the people’s heads show a slight uptick in thinking about Kakos without us doing anything at all, so that might be a sign that we don’t need to worry. It could also be a sign that some of those people are listening to these announcements right now. If you are listening and you’ve recently gotten a payment for thirteen dollars that you didn’t recognize, then please don’t worry. There are so many fucking reasons we give people thirteen dollars, and most of them are worse than this. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the dying mechanism inside of an inkjet printer. This radio comes to you from a collaboration between our Division of Yeah We Can Put a Radio In That and Wet Sheetz printing, your number one choice for wasted ink. I am told that they were able to tune the servo motor inside of the printer to create a variety of frequencies, and with some complicated baffling inside of the device, they were able to remove some of the more inharmonic vibrations. They tell me that it is only Evil vibes now. The sound quality is described here as “mechanical” but they say that it is actually in stereo somehow, with a haunting mid-frequency range. Due to DRM, it does neet to be constantly printing actual pages with actual ink in order to make any noise at all. The ink is subpar and often the incorrect color, but we were less concerned about that and more concerned about getting you the announcements. It will cover your listening space in sloppy wet pages of paper that we do not recommend touching until they have dried. The lines of ink can actually be reverse engineered into this broadcast, which is one of the reasons we will need you to destroy all of them at the end of this. I am also told the printer needs a wifi connection at all times.  Of course, if you are hearing this printer just waste reams and reams of paper for no reason at all and you are not a Kakos Industries shareholder, then I must inform you that you are in mortal danger. Do not try to avoid the danger. Whatever you do to avoid the danger will only bring you closer to the danger, We know what you’re thinking. We know what you are going to do. Don’t do it. Save yourself some effort. Or, like, become Evil real quick and you’re in. These announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. Become one, and we’re chill. 

I hope that you all had a fun Evil Con, shareholders. So far the feedback has been really positive on the whole experience. If you want an Evil Con experience closer to you, then be sure to make all of your friends into shareholders. Come on, do your fellow freaks a favor. Bring them into the fold. This is the only way we can have an Evil appearance near you. 

We recently had the Festival of Innovation. This year, the theme was ball-shaped robots. Teams from Thorgonus, Giant-Ass Robots, and many others brought basically the same robot. A bunch of the same ball robot that they all designed independently. Then the robots rammed into each other a number of times until it was pretty clear that the ramming had turned sexual. This transition was not clear at all on account of the lack of body language. In addition to being sexual, the activities of these robots felt pretty weird to most of us on account of them appearing to be identical twins. Some people really enjoyed it, and frankly, they ruined it for the rest of us. 

Coming up, we have the Festival of Self Love. We’re not going to tell you exactly when it’s going to happen, but it’s going to happen. You will be overcome by a feeling and you will need to take care of it urgently. You will be left with a lasting sensation of relief. We will be taking notes. 

I’ve got another tape here. Soundman, if you would do the honors.

CDI:    Okay, Corin, I’ve got this machine that – Ow fuck – slaps me when at random to disrupt my train of – Ow motherfucker– thought so that I can come up with better ideas when I’m not – Son of a fuckling pig – expecting it. Like… Oh, come on. I need an idea. Where is it? Fuck, ow. Nothing. Fucking nothing. Where are my fucking ideas! Fuck. Ow.

CDIII: Well, that didn’t help. I have here a project proposal from The Division of Driving Real Fast. It says here that they’re going to get a sick hot rodded muscle car and they’re going to drive real fast through dense areas making a lot of noise, and belching out a lot of fumes. Shareholders, I feel inclined to tell you that this proposal is literally all this divison ever does already, and somehow, they waited until the last minute to send me this. This is all they do. What did they think they were going to send me? And furthermore, they already did this today. What do they think they’re going to achieve by just doing it again? This is absurd. 

Shareholders, it’s time to do another employee spotlight. Today we are honoring Disco Hotdog. You heard me right. Disco Hotdog. You might be wondering who the fuck names their child Disco Hotdog. You might also be wondering what kind of fiend changes their name to Disco Hotdog. You might be wondering what kind of statement was trying to be made by either of those two options. Well, Disco Hotdog is a hamster, and the longest living hamster in our hamster lab. Disco Hotdog has survived drug experiments, radiation experiments, and even psychological experiments involving mazes and flashing lights. Disco Hotdog has done more to advance Evil science than most of our scientists if we’re being honest. Now, you might be thinking, Corin, can you really consider a hamster to be an employee? Look, one of the psychological experiments involved paying the hamster, and Disco Hotdog is an official Kakos Industries employee as a result. We all have to live with that fact. Now you might think that this honor would come with a cushy retirement and some hamster babes to carry on those incredible science genes. I have been told that the scientists have extracted Disco Hotdog’s genes, whatever that means, and that the highest honor for a hamster is to do more science. The next assignment involves hamster roller coasters. Best of luck, Disco Hotdog.

I have just received the report from the Division of Look What We Fit In There. They wanted to go big and flashy, just like I asked, so they want to fit two watermelons in there and then put it on social media. That’s a lot of watermelons to fit in there. I think this might actually do some Evil and get us noticed. It’s also not that expensive from the looks of it. There may be some medical bills, but we can take care of that in house. Put some watermelons in there, I guess. What’s the worst that can happen?

Attentive shareholders will remember that we once dug a great big hole in the ground looking for the biblical Hell, and all we found was some monsters and sprawling caves. No demons. No devil. Damn. Not to let the hole go to waste, we put a labor camp down there and hired Meredith Gorgoro as overseer. In addition to the work songs we’ve recently reported in Hell, Meredith Gorgoro seems to have invented some laborious meditations for the workers there. The rhythmic breaking of rocks with picks and other rocks sends reverberations deep into the cave system, frightening the residents of the unexplored depths, and ever so subtly shifting the pathways. We are looking into using this knowledge to improve efficiency across the board. 

I have here a proposal from the Division of Whaling and Wailing. It says that they only check their email once a quarter, and that if I wanted to get in touch with them sooner I should have “sent a bird.” I don’t know what that means. What’s that Soundman? We have those? Like, I can just send a bird with a letter taped to it any time? Why haven’t I been doing that exclusively? That sounds incredible. Anyway, it says here that if they could just get that blasted whale, they would make all of the newspapers. This is another one of those “we’re going to keep doing what we’re doing” proposals. I’m not sending them any more money for this. I really should have known better, but I drew at random from the hat and this is what I got. If you’re putting your faith in the luck of the draw, you have to stand by your decision, you know? You can’t go backing out because you don’t like it. Unless you suddenly realized what you would rather do, like when you flip a coin. That’s okay. But in this case, I had to let fate guide me. Perhaps one of the other divisions will have something more likely to work. 

The Division of Erotic Experiences is still seemingly relying too much on algorithms to determine what is Most Sex. This time, they didn’t even send me words. It appears to be an AI generated image, and not like a great one. I can see the hint of human flesh in the impression of erotic poses but as soon as you look close, the lines end where they shouldn’t, and there is the implication of movement that is simply not possible. The faces are all wrong, too. In a poetic sense, this might capture the feeling of what is most sex, but it is far from a blueprint that one can follow to achieve similar results. Looking at it, I… feel something… but what is a little difficult to explain. It’s like a waft of sex. Sex without the sex. I’m going to put that away. It’s distracting and perhaps not in the way they intended.

Kimmie and Eddie have made the smallest bit of headway with the Matmos Twins Clarissa and Hedera. You may remember that they appeared shortly before I was kidnapped and sort of eaten by the monster Qurgurgurth. They don’t really look alike, but their connection to one another seems to imply a twin-like mentality. They’ve been given lodgings and they’ve even been signed up for job training and placement, but they won’t do just about anything. It’s really all we can do to just keep them fed. They pretty much only get things out of the vending machines, which is not how you stay healthy. Anyway, Kimmie has been playing the long game with them, just sort of hanging around until maybe they accept her. I think she sees something in their apathetic or maybe even nihilistic demeanor that reminds her of herself some years ago. Clearly they deserve to be taken care of. Maybe that isn’t clear. I think we maybe feel a desire to care for them because we feel somewhat responsible for their existence, or at least their current state of existence. I did insist that Qurgurgurth needed to die, and they were apparently very attached to Qurgurgurth.  At any rate, Kimmie conscripted Eddie, they went to where the Matmos Twins were, and they kind of slung them over their shoulders, like you might carry an unconscious person. They got them outside, doused them in sunscreen lest they be damaged by the sun they haven’t seen in potentially years, and then started tinkering with mech parts. I mentioned a while back that Kimmie and Eddie started bonding over mech construction, which is a cool hobby that I wish I had time to engage with. Kimmie sent this picture to me of Clarissa and Hedera sort of leaned up against the building, but they look kind of like they’re dead. They refuse to use any of their muscles to support their bodies as a sort of protest or something. The medical team determined that they were just playing possum and not actually dead. After that, Kimmie loaded them into the passenger space of her robot suit, figuring that they would need to use their muscles to resist the g-forces of flight practice. She was partially right. Apparently the screaming got too loud and she had to abort. Screaming unfortunately doesn’t count as the use of language, so we still aren’t sure how much brain function is going on. Kimmie and Eddie returned the twins to the employee lounge that they were taking up all of the air in, but apparently left them in a pile on the floor to see if they would bother moving to the couches on their own. So far, no. 

I just got a proposal from The Division of Baked Evils. They are describing a pastry video on social media. They start with a can of soda in the can, wrap it in pastry dough, cover that in fondant and sprinkles. Then they cover that in more pastry dough. Then they put sheets of gold leaf around the whole thing. Then they cover it in more dough, then more chocolate. The whole thing is then put into a glass baking dish. Then that is covered in more dough and then placed inside of another bowl, which is then covered in more chocolate frosting. That is then rolled in powdered sugar and covered in melted ice cream, then cake batter in alternating layers of angel’s food and devil’s food. More frosting before anything has even been baked. Then it’s soaked in margarita mix in a five gallon bucket, covered in salt, and then baked until the can explodes. Then the whole thing is cut in half to reveal all of the layers, and then it is frosted one more time before being presented on what they are calling “a dessert-serving toilet”. Fuck that. Though, it may work. I’ll give them the go ahead. 

Another tape has just appeared. Here we go. 

CDI:    Corin, I have completely cut myself off from the world. Total sensory deprivation. I’m bound to get in touch with my deep subconscious and there are bound to be hundreds of perfect, beautiful ideas there. Just incredible fucking ideas. If my brain doesn’t want to cooperate, I’ll fucking make it. I’ll give it no fucking choice but to do exactly what I want it to. Come on, subconscious. Let’s see what you got. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Oh. Oh. Oh, fuck, Corin. Do not go down there. The subconscious is a horrible place. Stay far away. Oh fuck, oh fuck. Okay. I’ll try something else. Don’t you worry, Corin. We’ll sort this out. We’ll get you an idea. We’ll get you a real great one. We just need a different plan. Fuck.

CDIII:    Okay. Let’s just move on. 

The Division of Weird Eyeballs has drawn me a picture of a weird eyeball, how they plan on installing it into a human head, and the exact social media accounts that will make it go viral. I’m sensing a trend here. It’s hard to get noticed just by doing Evil anymore. You have to go through social media. Gross. But this eyeball is freaky in kind of a fun way, and I expect the weirdos out there will absolutely love it.

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has opened a locked bottle of wine that is potentially hundreds of years old. They didn’t really think about that one in advance. Then they had to drink it because it was already open. I am told that the aging process has diminishing returns, and at least one of them spent the next two days attached to their toilet. The cork apparently smells heavenly, though.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment wrapped up their performance of Hades in the EIghties with The Humanoid Made of Humans Squished Together throwing Treep, the Tree Creep through a table from the top of the cage. It was everything I wanted it to be. Their next performance is another from their Enactment series, which is to say that it is not a battle that did, or even could have, happened in real life. This one is Dark Megoblin versus the concept of Karma. Now, I like heady entertainment sometimes. I like things that make me think. But that isn’t what I typically get from this production. I warned them not to get too abstract. They told me not to worry. We shall see.

The Division of Unusual Exercises has sent me a proposal. It does seem to be another social media campaign, but this time for fitness communities. It’s a number of normal looking exercises that are just designed to aggravate and irritate those little muscles in your body that will throw off your whole workout routine, and in some cases even send you to physical therapy. Yeah, well, it’s cheap, so let’s do it and see what happens.

There’s another tape. Okay, let’s play it.

CDI:    Okay, Corin. I’ve put my balls in a vice. My literal, human testicles in a literal vice. If I don’t come up with an idea in the next minute, the vice mechanism will spring and crush my balls. I know this sounds extreme, Corin. I know this sounds fucking insane, but I’ll come up with an idea. Oh, only some seconds left now, COrin. Oh fuck. I don’t want to have to get new balls again. Fuck. Okay, Corin… yes! I have an idea. My balls are safe.

(A clanging metal sound)

Oh, just in the nick of time, my boy! Here’s the idea: We put people’s balls in a vice, and then we make ‘em say all kinds of Evil stuff to get free. If they don’t have balls, I’m sure we can find something sensitive that they might want to keep uncrushed, okay. It’s perfect. Okay it’s not perfect, but it’s an idea. Give it a try. What do you say, sport?

CDIII:    Well, it is an idea. We could specifically put the balls or whatever sensitive bits from the people with the chips in their heads into vices, but that would be intentionally fucking with the statistics. I mean, that’s probably fine. Or we can just do it to a lot more people at random. Might start a rumor. That could work. Well, at least one of these ideas will work. And as I’m looking at the readings here, they’ve been trending up through the entire broadcast. Hmmm. Like I said, it could just be an anomaly.

They say that Evil once offered free hugs that were so affirming, so warm, so friendly, so loving, that anyone who experienced one was constantly suspicious their loved ones didn’t actually love them after that. Nothing could compare. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for now. Today we’re taking credit for small dogs, large dogs, and that dog that bit you when you were little. As always, we can’t be certain that we are responsible for all of these things, but you had better believe us anyway. Or we’ll put some part of you in a vice, I guess. We might do that anyway, to be honest. 

Fred Fish has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Fred Fish’s nemesis will be ruined. DtD01 (dee-tee-dee oh one) is that nemesis. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a vigorous, life-sustaining spin and it landed on the space for Responsible. From this day forward. DtD01 will be 47% more responsible. The way we’ve seen to that is we gave DtD01, who prior to this moment was kind of a deadbeat without much life to ruin, six new Australian cattle dogs and a high stress job in finance. This is a lot of responsibility, and at least some of it isn’t worth it. For Evil measure. Fred Fish will be 27% less responsible in all situations. This is freeing, but it’s also a bit disappointing in its own ways. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad are currently covered in multi-colored fondant. Again, they’re going to be really sticky. Some people are really into this look, though. A few have even taken bites out of the fondant, and the Damnation and Ruination Squad members. I think they view it as a compliment, but they should really get some medical attention. 

And that brings us to the end of this broadcast, shareholders. Evil is trending up. A few of these ideas might make it even better. You need to destroy that printer and all of the pages it has printed. You can let them dry first. Shredding isn’t enough. We recommend fire. Burn it all. The numbers are next.

11

1.1

.11

.011

12

1.2

.12

13

.13

4

8

4

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a purple orange. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravilio, Jack Attack and  Dwight Spencer. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who connected the wires, Rocket who tested  the levels, Valerie, who tested the mic, and Anastasia K, who played the sousaphone. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit the guests for the hotel. One is a business woman on a trip. Another a family. Another is a couple who intend to use the room for six kinds of nefarious activities. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has discovered an old sewing machine used exclusively to make body bags. It’s not haunted but it feels haunted. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started changing the playback speed of all media to 1.1 times normal speed. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Allow me to paint you a picture. We’re on the beach. You’ve just asked me that question. I just said no. The wind is blowing in my hair seductively.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed The Final Dumplings. “It’s everything that isn’t already in a dumpling in a dumpling. They’ve ignored nothing. 14/17”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Cooking with the Toastatronatrix”. It’s a lot of fun recipes, but the Toastatronatrix does not exist. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has been sliding down the grassy hill on a cafeteria tray. Pretty uneven, they comment before doing it again. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 33-3C. It kind of jiggles in response to your steps.  The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It’sa weird chemical smell in the office. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has continued trying to figure out what the Evilest part of their bodies is. The ear lobes seemed like the right idea, but quickly fell out of favor compared to the middle toe.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that allows you to swap shirts with your foe. You might lose, but you’ll have their shirt. The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has developed Mussel Memory, a way of growing computer chips in the shells of various shellfish. It’s more difficult and less predictable, but it’s fun.. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that constantly apologizes for its own existence. It knows exactly what it is and it’s sorry to bother you, but it does have to eat. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked, or rather tangled, twenty seven eels. They are unhappy. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has introduced a resealable bag that you can turn off entirely. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has developed a new three letter word using three letters that have never before been used in that order. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions Directed by Kevin Rowland has created a short board game about cats to play in between turns of obnoxiously long and drawn out tabletop experiences focused on World War II. The Division of Post Apocalyptic Delivery directed by Cave Hill, King Kill of the Murder Valley in the Mountains has just a few packages left after all these years. Of course it’s really more about the principle of the thing, you know? Almost no one is left, and when they’re still there, who can even use what’s in the package? Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos Industries can be dark, make sure you’re drinking enough water, or don’t,  I’m not your Dad.