120 – Fourest
in which we meet Fourest, learn to dislike Fourest, we begin to hate Fourest, and Dan-Li “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is a dull ache that will never leave the halls of your psyche.
F: Well, hi there. These are the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. As you’ve probably surmised, I am not Corin Deeth III. Around here they call me Fourest, but my real name is a bit more complicated as naming conventions go. There are some letters and numbers that have to be cross-referenced with spreadsheets, but who needs that. We’re friends. Well, anyway, Mr. Threeth is indisposed at the moment so I thought I’d just get things started here. During the last announcements, Corin really struggled to get his grandfather’s recordings to stop. He struggles with a lot of things, you know. Indigestion. Moods. Headaches. Mostly the moods. I’m always telling him how much better things would be if he just let go of all of that. If he just stopped feeling so much. You know, I think I’d do a pretty good job. I don’t have any of those moods. I could CEO all day with maybe a little bit of rest here and there. That’s what coffee’s for, am I right? I can sleep when I’m dead. There’s just nothing in the way in my mind. I’m ready to do Evil all the time, all the way.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from an exciting development between our Division of Radio Transmission, and our client Bleepity Blooper Laboratories. It was a simple electronics kit you had to put together before the deadly gas emerged from the canister. I added a little touch there to spice things up. If you’re hearing this, then you were successful at completing the project in time. I knew you could do it. Bleepity Blooper Laboratories makes these fun DIY kits for all kinds of Evil things. High frequencies that give you a headache. Small EMP bombs. A signal generator that tries to match the frequency of your heart and then just messes with it to see what’ll happen. Outstanding stuff. Very Evil. I’m a big fan. If you’re not a shareholder, then it is really unlikely that you survived the gas and you won’t be hearing this. Of course, if you did learn how to assemble this project in the limited time, then we can use someone with your skills. Maybe there’s a little bit more Evil in you than you thought, huh? We can cultivate that. We can educate that. We’ve got nice comfy places for you to find your true inner Evil. Come on down. It won’t hurt a bit.
We recently had the Darkest Universe Festival, or what’s left of it after Corin got his hands on it. I mean, really. We could hand him the Darkest Universe on a platter and he would find a way to drop it on the ground and trip over it. I told him we needed to go deeper. We had the Universe where we wanted it and all we had to do was seal the deal. Put that nail in the coffin. But no. He wanted to pull back. The timing wasn’t right. He didn’t want people to meet. It isn’t safe, he said. What do we care for safety, shareholders? We don’t. We care for Evil first and foremost. Oh, the celebration we could have had. The darkness we could have brought about. The pain and suffering of the gourd and innocent we could have brought about. Sorry, I struggle with that word. Gooerrd. Gwaaard. Gehhhhd. Nope. Just doesn’t feel right in my mouth. It’s funny the things you learn about your voice when you’re hearing it recorded. What’s that Soundman? Well, if he didn’t want me here, he should have been on time, should he have not? Why stop the transmission now? We’ve already started. Everything will be just fine, Soundman. Trust me. At any rate, the festival was at home, where you were all relatively safe. I am told that sex was encouraged. Sexy thoughts. Sexual activities. It’s awfully self-indulgent, isn’t it? All the sex? I’m not so sure that feeling nice isn’t… well, we say that it’s Evil, but are we really sure? We want it to be Evil, don’t we? Well, some do. Anyway, Evil was increased for a time during the celebration, but it lacked the necessary punch to break us through to a whole new level. That’s what it’s supposed to be about, right? We need to break through. We need to go darker. Oh well.
Corin: What the fuck are you doing here?
Fourest: What do you mean?
Corin: You’re in my seat. You’re doing the announcements. None of this is okay.
Fourest: Well, I knew that you were having some trouble and I thought that perhaps I could help out by just getting things started. Giving them a little nudge. Nothing serious.
Corin: That’s not okay. And you know that’s not okay. You know the rules.
Fourest: I don’t think helping you out here and there is interfering with you doing your job.
Corin: Doing my job incorrectly is interfering with my job.
Fourest: I’m sorry to hear that you think so.
Corin: Get the fuck out.
Fourest: I am moving. And not as slowly as someone else I could name.
Corin: Get out of here!
Fourest: Certainly. Certainly. Take care, Corin. I know how you get, and I would just hate to see something happen to you.
Corin: You can’t touch me. You can’t do anything to me. I can fuck your shit up right here and now.
Fourest: But you won’t. Will you?
(the door closes)
Corin: For fuck’s sake. Soundman, how did you let this happen? I know he looks like me. That’s what happens when you’re an Evil fucking clone or whatever the hell he is. No one in their right mind would ever confuse us no matter how similar we look. And I broke his fucking nose just to make sure. You weren’t paying attention? Alright. Look. It happens. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at… Fourest.
Hello, shareholders. I’ll skip the introduction as I am well aware it has been done for me. You’ve probably got some questions. I was hoping to avoid answering them, or even talking about this. When my grandfather took ill, there was some question about how best to lead the company in the time after. There was a lot of training, and there was a lot of hard work, and I was ready for the job. My grandfather was confident. So was I. The board was feeling a bit differently on the subject. They wanted someone like me, sure. But they wanted someone more obviously Evil. Someone boring and direct, and easily controlled. So, they made Fourest. He’s kind of a clone and kind of a board wishlist for an ideal CEO without any thought put into how the different aspects work together or affect the whole. Because no one ever learns their fucking lesson around here.
He’s been here a while. I don’t remember when I was first made aware of his existence, but it was before I took over. The board wanted me to know that there was a backup plan. Of course that backup plan is so terrible that I knew I could never let it happen. There’s no finesse or artistry to anything that Fourest does. It is cold and to the point, and it makes bigger messes than anyone realizes. He’s the backup CEO, but on account of how simple his thinking is, the rules are that he can’t take over the company if he had anything to do with my incapacitation or death. Not even a suggestion of a whisper of a hint of anything to do with it. No knocking down dominoes, no advanced machinations. Fourest has to prove without a shadow of a doubt that he had nothing to do with it if I die. He can’t touch me, he can’t hurt me. The same rules don’t apply to me, however. I think the board left it open there because they knew that I would have to sink to his level to hurt him. That made them happy. And seeing how he can say whatever he wants to me, he taunts me. He goads me. He antagonizes me. And one time, I lost it. You’d think I was trying to take the nose off of his face. It healed okay, but you can tell. At least most people can. You’re right, Soundman, that was passive aggressive. I’m sorry. I’ll keep an eye on it.
At every difficult moment of my time as CEO, Fourest has been there to taunt me. A little here and there. Just when I’ve forgotten about him, there it is. He mostly leaves me voicemail. There are also a bunch of drawings. Like children’s marker drawings of my death and how sad it would make him as he ascends to the role of CEO.
You know what? Everything is still slow here, so let’s play some fucking voicemail.
Fourest: Oh, hi there, Corin. It’s me, Fourest. I just wanted to let you know how proud I am to see you take over the role of CEO here. I’m just so optimistic about everything you’re going to do. You’re going to be the best one yet, they say. You’re going to bring Evil lightyears ahead of where it was. Gosh, I am just. So. happy. For you. I know you’re going to knock it out of the park. And, if you don’t… I’ll be here.
Hey, there, Corin. Just wanted to let you know that I’ve had a bit of an idea and I was hoping to run it by you. What about a new Festival? Except all of the old festivals require our employees to get away from their desks and do something else. What if we had a festival where everyone just worked harder? Think of the boost to Evil. Okay, I know you’re not going to do it. Buh bye.
Hey, Corin, it’s Fourest. Heard you didn’t quite bring about the Darkest Universe. It’s definitely not easy, even though I did give you a fifteen page document of ideas that were sure to do it. I know some of them were, shall we say, unpalatable, but they would have been incredibly effective. I’m not telling you you’re a drag on the company or anything, I just think maybe we should have a one on one about setting goals and achieving them. Okay, that’s all for now.
Hey, Corin. Fourest again. So how about this uprising in the company huh? Heard you had to take up hiding in Junior’s lair. Talk about smells, am I right? And that Kiarawa has some real… attractive human qualities, I suppose. There’s… actually something about the way she looks, isn’t there? Well, putting a pin in that, I was just thinking about how I never would have let this happen. But that doesn’t make you a failure, you know. We all learn at our own pace, and sometimes mistakes are the only way to learn. Obviously you know I think you should kill her. Make a big show of it, you know. Make it real gruesome. I’m talking blood and gore and maybe just a little bit of disrespect shown to her remains. I’ll leave the details up to you.
Hey, Corin, it’s me again. I know you’ve been in a mood lately. I empathize. Or is it sympathize? Whichever one means I’m not actually feeling it myself. I don’t have moods, as you know. I bet you’re having a hard time getting out from under your grandfather’s shadow. You know that he had moods, too. I think that’s why he was always doing the drugs. So many drugs. You know, making drugs can be Evil, but doing drugs, I’m not so sure about. Some people thought it showed incredible weakness on his part, but I don’t agree. He was a strong man and capable of so much. I just wonder if some of his troubles are there in you as well. Well, keep your spirits up. I’m sure whatever it is can’t be that bad.
Corin, I think your employees are getting too soft. Here’s my solution. Torture. Okay, buh bye now.
Hey, Corin, heard you’re getting a year older, and wow, boy do you have a lot to show for it. So much Evil. Really just heaps and gobs of it, am I right? I’m just so happy to see you succeeding. Time marches on for all of us, does it not?
Hey, Corin, it’s 4A-369. I mean, Fourest. You don’t have the spreadsheet open, but maybe you recognized my voice. Or maybe not that many people call you. Who knows! Anyways, I was just thinking that if I were CEO, which I’m not, I know, I would definitely kill Melantha. She’s our biggest competitor, and she’s just always messing with your head. That’s not something we can have is it? Anyway, definitely kill her. Just tell me it won’t be interfering with you and I’ll do it myself. I can’t otherwise, as you understand. Okay, bye now.
Hey, Corin. Wanted to talk to you about this sex thing. I’m pretty sure it’s a big waste of time. And for what? To feel nice? I think it’s a mistake. I’m not sure how Evil it is either. I think we should really start to wean all of our employees and as many of the shareholders as possible of the practice. It’s not healthy for them. It gets in the way of doing so much more Evil.
Alright, brainwave, Corin. What if you take one employee, doesn’t really matter who, but maybe a nice Evil one, and just call a big meeting and drop ‘em down to their knees and just execute them in front of everyone. Tell the crowd that they weren’t Evil enough. Oh, my Evil, Corin, all of your employees would be working so hard after that. Sure, you’d crack one egg, but think of the rewards! They’d be thinking, if that guy wasn’t Evil enough, I’ll have to get twice as Evil or I could be next! Oh, can you just smell the nervous perspiration, Corin? I can. You just don’t know how much more we could be doing. Of course, it is your call. I’m not in charge as we know. I know you’ll do the right thing.
Hey, Corin, it’s Fourest. Just wanted to make sure you were doing alright. You did break my nose the other day. They say I’ll be permanently disfigured, but hey, I’ve decided to think of it as a gift. You’ve made me stand out, and I think that’s great. Now my own achievements will be attributed to me. No one will ever confuse us again. You did get awfully heated, though. Hoping you aren’t too upset. And I hope your hand is doing okay.
Hey, Corin. Heard you got shot. I’ve just been crying all day about it, and not just because you survived. Huh. It really just makes you think about your mortality. Life is so fleeting, you know? Something could happen and it would just squeeze all the remaining life out of you. Send my best to Soundman.
I was just thinking about the Divisions here, Corin. You know, if I were running the place, which I’m not, I would probably close a bunch of them down. Incredibly boring things? Who needs ‘em? We need excitement! We need big! And all those keys? Who cares about that. We can pick locks. Or blow them up. I feel like half of these Divisions could go. And we can put the people to work somewhere else. We can always use more managers! Okay, talk to you soon. Buh bye.
Hey, Corin. This is just a wellness check. Haven’t heard from you in a bit, buddy and I just wanted to make sure you’re doing okay. Hope you didn’t expire in your sleep or anything like that. Alright. Call me back when you get a chance.
Corin: You know, I hate when I have realizations on the air like this, but that’s a lot of abuse. Like a lot of abuse. I have a folder on my phone that I keep these fucking messages in. That’s not normal, right? Yeah, Soundman, I know I have to kill him. It’s just, that’s me sinking to his level. No, I suppose you’re right. I can’t fall into a horror movie trope by trying to be better than him when he’s obviously a danger. No, I don’t want you to do it. I don’t want you to get your hands dirty. Yes, I know you hate him, too. Literally everyone hates him. I think he has a punchable face and it’s my fucking face. Alright, let’s just put a pin in that for now.
We recently had the Nudity Festival. We were all at home. We felt the call. We disrobed, and we were glorious. Somehow, the Nudity Festival keeps surprising us, but it is always welcome, and it is always perfect, just like you shareholders.
Coming up, we have the Festival of Mud. I know that you are all gardening a lot right now. Keep it up. I’ll probably take a ride in my submarine for no reason.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To recently opened a music box we’ve had sitting on a shelf in storage 88-99-cc3 for years. The melody that it plays is haunting, and it gets stuck in your head like nobody’s business. We’re thinking of destroying it because it won’t shut off.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment is presenting Fox-Ox versus Kubrikon next weekend. We will all be watching.
The Division of Erotic Experiences successfully achieved the Martha position generated by the Fucking@Home app. It was gruesome, horrifying, surreal, and not what is most sex, obviously. They’ve got three more positions the crowd computing application has spit out that they are feeling optimistic about. They are the Summer Sausage, the Applause, and the Lingamberry. The Summer Sausage requires what appears to be a lot of patience, the Applause is the third most people we’ve ever recorded in one sexual act, and the Lingamberry requires some assembly. Dr. Dunkelwissen and Jasmine Ashna are excited to try these out. I still think they’re somehow missing something.
So, Kimmie’s mech is a lot of fun to fly around in. She’s not allowed to call it “riding bitch” anymore. There’s something nice to just being able to relax and let someone else do the piloting, however. It is pretty uncomfortable to try to have any sort of relations inside of the cockpit, but she’s drafting a second design. Unfortunately, if she goes too large, it begins infringing on our deal with Giant Ass Robots to Kick In Your Face. I’m hoping she might give me the old one when it’s done.
Meredith Gorgoro sent me a picture of what appears to be a previously undocument monster from the Hell labor camp. There was no comment, just the picture. I can tell that it was taken with her sick monster arm because a little bit of claw was in the edge of the frame. I’m not jealous. The new monster is sort of like the ball of hands we saw a while ago, but this one is all elbows. I don’t know exactly what I mean by that, but it is fitting. Right, Soundman? He’s nodding.
They say that Evil once played a guitar solo so incredibly badass that it caused an entire generation to lose the ability to even can. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for the illegal succulent trade, the one pothos we all have, and trying to fill our lives desperately with signs of life, and failing. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then that one succulent is going to bloom so weird you’ll die of embarrassment.
Dan-li has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. That means that the life of Dan-li’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Matthis Tauritz Bakker. So I don’t have to pronounce that again, we’ll call Matthis MTB. We gave the Wheel of Misery a longing spin and it arrived on the space for Absent. In the future when we really need MTB to be there, MTB won’t be there. For Evil measure, Dan-Li will be a bit more around. Just, you know, around. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad are now just covered in vaseline and glitter. I hate it. We all hate it. The janitorial detail attached to their mob hates it. It’s everywhere. It does make their bodies look kind of nice, but I’m not sure they can even sweat under all of that vaseline. It can’t be healthy.
This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. I have a murder to plan with Soundman Steven. We need to get on that. The electronics kit that you assembled that is playing these announcements does not actually have any toxic gas in it. I was able to change the formulation before we went into production. All the same, I thought the scare was worth it, so I didn’t change the documentation. Destroy it how you wish. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, an all neck giraffe anger wielder. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Lex, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Damien Scott-Viker, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who wiped up the mysterious puddle in the busiest hallway. And thanks also to our division heads. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Bellamy Cornet, has started knitting a large canal system. I really don’t know how else to explain it. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has put on the old horror tape. It’s grainy and scary as hell. There’s nothing graphic, but the tape itself contains horror somehow. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started blocking porn on employee’s home networks during business hours. It’s not really a big problem, but we’re seeing some results. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “What if, and hear me out on this one, because I think I’ve earned my say, and I think I’ve earned your respect while I’m talking, because I’m usually such a great listener myself, and you sometimes talk over me, which I don’t like, but basically what I mean to say is no.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed the Toothpick Stand. “Not very filling, but interesting work with flavors. 2/5”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on Tasty Toothpicks. Try not to swallow, I guess. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, directed by Sass Master J, has found a hole in the statue garden. Anyone greater than ten feet away cannot see you, and the angel of death statue above you is comforting at least. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has been rolling around on the floor in Hallway 1333-9. It’s ever so slightly easier to roll left than right.The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 9. It always smells like cinnamon buns and a little bit of fart. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked just a whole pile of Dik-Diks. It was pretty cute. The Division of Suspiciously Specific Charitable Donations, directed by Hemlock Yew, has made a donation to a charity for geese under the name of FuckGeese Roberts. I don’t think they like Geese very much. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It is something on your desk not being where you left it on Friday. And not the sort of thing the cleaners might move. The Division of Algorithmical Excellence, led by O’Malley, has developed an algorithm that can, with around 70% accuracy, determine what you face looks like just from a photo of your butt. Neat. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has stopped to wonder why it is so villainous. Certainly the world deserves villainy, and their purpose in the Division is true, but why did Villainy choose them of all Divisions? The Division of Creative Upcycling, directed by Trash Baphomet, has turned an old bicycle into a rudimentary torture device. No one is looking forward to taking a ride. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark. Try learning to cartwheel, that might be its weakness.