116 – Playback
in which not much happens, we listen to some old recordings, and Pen “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is just a bunch of cool sound effects from an old toy.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we Do Evil well. We Do Evil Best. And most importantly, we help you to Do Evil Better. I am CEO Corin Deeth III. Happy New year, shareholders. Can you believe that this time last year we were dealing with the Trudge? That is the illness that Violet Trudge seemed to develop from working too hard for too long. Wasn’t that a time? Huh. Almost look back on it fondly now. What did we know? Of course, Violet is now back at work and doing all sorts of stuff around the building. We couldn’t keep her home on account of us not being certain she has a home at this point. She stays away from everyone, so there’s no risk there. But boy is she busy. The other day I saw her working at three different computers in a lab. They were all connected to the same shared document, so I’m not sure what benefit the multiple computers gave her, but she was hard at work, and I decided to leave her be. She does have to take the mandatory time off that we agreed to when she got sick. She doesn’t scream as much now, at least not when I can see her. So that’s nice. She handles a lot of work for people who need things in the building, but they can’t come down to get the things themselves. Lots of scanning, pushing buttons, destroying files, spritzing plants, and feeding animals. I do some of that myself, but if she catches me, the throat clearing from a safe distance is loud enough and judgmental enough to turn me off of the whole idea.
Kimmie has replaced a few more benches and tables with much finer wood-sculpted pieces. She really gets into the zone and works for hours, sometimes days on end. I don’t like the sawdust much. It bothers my nose. So if she’s going to sleep in my bed, we have a rule in place now that she has to shower and change out of her work clothes. I had to wash my sheets every damn day to get the wood fibers out. Or rather, my support staff had to. But I had to tell them to do it. It’s not their usual routine, you know. She has been… replacing things in my office without telling me. Then she times how long it takes me to notice. She replaced one of my lamps and that took me four days to notice. She replaced the salt and pepper shakers, but I figured that one out pretty quickly. There are, she has told me, at least three other things I haven’t noticed yet. I’m assuming they are things I never use. I guess I’ll find out. I think some of this is in response to me having her moved into the new apartment last time without telling her, so she just woke up in a mirror image of the place where she went to bed. She was freaked out for about four hours before we had a chance to talk about it. I guess that was pretty rough. So now my things are gradually turning to wood. That being said, everything is nice. I like almost all of it. And what I don’t like that much I don’t have to use often. The quality is so much greater than some of the mass-produced furniture I owned, or that we had in the building, that it’s hard to complain really. That being said, we haven’t been spending that much time together. She’s been busy. But I’m happy she has something that’s keeping her occupied these days. Some of the wood sculptures even have hand-crafted metal pieces. These are like apocalypse skills.
My old office and apartment are now filled with strange fish. I haven’t seen anyone except the movers go in and out, but it’s now full of tanks of weird fish. I’m not mad. I’m not. I promise.
This broadcast is coming to you from a party cracker. I had to look at that phrase twice to make sure I understood it. They’re those holiday tubes. They’re really popular I’m told. Anyway, you opened it at the designated time, and following the small popping noise, you started to hear these announcements. The inside of the container has what we are calling a gaseous antenna, made by the Division of Gasses. This particular gas is tuned to the frequency of this broadcast, hence how it is vibrating at the appropriate rate to produce this sound. THe gas is slowly dispersing into the air around you, but it shouldn’t become too dilute for you to hear me for some time. It will eventually drift off into the atmosphere too spread out to do anything except damage the ozone. Breathing it has been shown in clinical trials to be a mild danger to one’s health. You obviously won’t have to destroy it at the end. It’s going to take care of itself. And there’s also a cookie and a nice note inside the package for you to read and enjoy. If you’re not a shareholder, then your voice is going to get real squeaky. Real squeaky.
There isn’t much of a New Years Celebration going on today, or last night for that matter. We watched the ball drop in a number of different time zones and we celebrated putting a difficult year behind us. It’s unclear however whether the new year will be all that much nicer to us. It will certainly be a great year for Evil. We’re just waiting to see what kind.
We recently had Yule, albeit a digital version. I dressed up as Krampus and whacked a bunch of you with the bundle of sticks all at once through the camera that was in front of me. It’s not what most of us wanted, but it was the best we could do under the circumstances. I appreciate your patience, and I hope that you were satisfied.
This year has been a big one for both anti-celebrating, and celebrating however we possibly can. As a result, we’ve been keeping tabs on the employees and shareholders who have been doing some of the most remarkable anti-celebration out there. I’ve got the list here. We’ve got Davis Threak, who woke up from a four hour nap to have a snack, and then went to sleep for thirty-six hours. Paula Markleson, upon hearing that no one would be seeing her in person for around a year immediately shaved her head and stocked up on sweatpants. We have a photo here of her asleep on her couch wearing a nacho-cheese stained pair of sweats on top of another pair of nacho-cheese stained sweats. Cory Gibbons only realized it was New Years day today four hours after midnight in his time zone because he was bouncing a ball off of the wall he shares with his least favorite neighbor that whole time. Greta Payne masturbated for a whopping fourteen hours one day. Sorry to out you like this, Greta, but damn. No one has that kind of stamina. Some of our scientists want to know how you did it. A few of them want to take you on a date, but I honestly don’t think they know what they’re in for.
As I mentioned last time, the vote this year was swayed strongly in favor of the Chestival. Specifically, the locked chest on Floor 44 in the upper atrium. We opened it with the help of the Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To. The chest was under constant supervision since the announcement, seemingly so that I would not modify its contents to hide my secret goodness or whatever. It turns out there was a mummified corpse inside. You’re welcome. I know you wanted to imagine that. Lab tests show the corpse is Griselda Furgle, an employee who was last seen forty-five years ago. The forensics give her most likely cause of death as “natural causes”, but we’re then not sure who put her in this chest, locked it, and then just left it in the upper atrium for forty five years. This mystery may not have any satisfying conclusion at this point. We may never know what happened. Conspiracists online are tearing apart what they can find about Griselda that might indicate that she knew something about my goodness and that’s why she died fourteen years before I was alive.
We will be having the Festival of Darkness at home this year, so get ready for that. We’re also preparing for an at-home Festival of Genes. The potential modifications might be smaller, but we’re pretty sure it will be plenty Evil as you’re doing it to yourself. We’re going to be having some fun with the kits, but I’ve warned the team not to have another Yolanda walker incident again. There’s a sports drink ad that only shows a small piece of her midsection, and their sales are up like 200%. We also don’t want anyone exploding into Evil babies.
There actually isn’t a whole lot to talk about today. The holidays, and the anti-celebration, and everything else have led to kind of a boring month in terms of recap, and there’s not a whole lot to look forward to right now, so I thought I’d play some of these recordings I have from my grandfather. They’re not heavy hitters by any means. They’re mostly things I didn’t think were worth playing during a broadcast, but here we are. We have some time.
CDI: They’ve given me some new soda flavors to try. I’m not supposed to look at the labels until after I’ve tried them. I hate this. This is the worst part of my job sometimes. Alright, here we go. (sipping) Okay… It’s like grape, but cranked up to 11. It’s so over the top I’m not sure I’ll be able to taste anything else for a while. Damn. The bottle is… Extra grape. Okay, so the old taster isn’t too bad yet. Let’s try this next one. Wow! That’s like cola on steroids. It’s like I injected cola directly into my tongue with a big ol’ syringe. Damn. Alright and the last one. Whoa! Nasty. That’s the worst! The bottle just says “ass” on it. Is that literal? Someone’s getting fired.
CDI: I’ve got some letters from some fans today. This happens from time to time. People like my style, the way I do things, how Evil I am, and the like. This one’s from Dana. “Oh, Mr. Deeth, I want to feel you…” Well, I’m sure you know where that’s going. We’ve got another from Chance. “In regards to my last letter, I’m sorry that I said the things I said. I was objectifying you, and I said some things that I regret.” Well ,thank you for the apology, Chance. I don’t remember what you sent me.
I sometimes get mail like that. I usually just have someone scan through it for anything interesting. Here’s another tape.
CDI: There’s a ghost in this hallway. I know it. I saw it turn down this corner and… no. Nothing. I’ll update if I see it again.
Here’s a fun one.
CDI: I just really want a sandwich right now, you know? Like, when you really, really want a sandwich. Just that sandwich flavor with the ingredients just right and the textures just so. The trouble seems to be that despite having a lot of ingredients in front of me, I can’t remember exactly what a sandwich is. I’ve eaten sandwiched my whole life. I have distinct memories of enjoying them. I’ve probably eaten a thousand or more of them. But I was doing some drugs last night and it seems I might have knocked a few things from my mind. They’ll come back. They always do. But what do I do about this craving? Let’s see…. Definitely a tortilla. Uh huh. And some ketchup. Spread that all around. Peanut butter. Most definitely. Steak. CHunks of steak. I am nailing this. Who says you need memory. A little bit of melted wax, and a crushed up vitamin C pill. Done. This is going to hit the spot. Perfection. (a pause) Okay. Mistakes have been made.
One more for the people.
CDI: It’s sexy hide-and-seek day. My secretary is hiding. And if I find her, we get to do some stuff. I mean, we’ll probably do some stuff anyway, but it’s a fun game, you know. Let’s see… is she around this corner… Dammit, you’re not even hiding. Alright, let’s do some stuff.
A lot of these tapes were in the strange hiding spots in my old apartment. I found them in the hiding spots in my new apartment. I made sure to look everywhere I could and I think I found most of them. Got rid of the porn. I’ll find something else to keep there. The sex toy was not a sex toy but some sort of sculpture intended to represent sexual frustration. I had to ask Grace to look it up. She knew the artist right away. Apparently they went by the name Yormigo. Strange stuff. I agreed to enter it into the museum here. Anyway, here’s another tape.
CDIII: Where are we?
CDI: It’s not important.
CDIII: It’s so strange.
CDI: It is.
CDIII: What are we doing here?
CDI: I need to tell you something important.
CDIII: What is it? Is something wrong?
CDI: I got some news. It’s… we need to speed up your training.
CDIII: Sure. Of course. Whatever you think is best.
CDI: I need to get you prepared.
CDIII: The whole company? So soon? I thought we had more time.
CDI: We don’t.
CDIII: What’s going on?
CDI: I’ll tell you later. It’s going to be okay.
CDIII: Are you okay?
CDI: We’ll talk about it later.
CDIII: Is there… Is there someone else? Surely the board has other options.
CDI: No. It has to be you. Look, you’ve got this. You have my full confidence. My full faith. There is no doubt in my mind that you will do what needs to be done. We just need to move a little faster.
CDI: I’ve brought you some books. I need you to read them. You won’t remember them, but you need to know them on some level deep inside of you. Commit them to instinct.
CDIII: I’ll get started tonight.
CDI: Now. You’ll get started now.
CDIII: What about you?
CDI: I’ll give you some space.
CDIII: I love you.
CDI: I love you, too. Please, start reading.
That… that was not on the tape earlier. This was supposed to be another funny drug recording. I don’t remember that conversation. It sounded like maybe I wasn’t supposed to. The training to be CEO here at Kakos Industries was really intense. I don’t remember all of it, but there was a lot. It took years. Wow. Maybe I didn’t rewind the tape properly? It even says Woo Powder on it. Weird. Any ideas Soundman? He’s shrugging. Huh.
Hell has been quiet. The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has been on hiatus. See what I mean about nothing going on?
I’ve been tired of waiting for The DIvision of Erotic Experiences to get their shit together, so I started running Fucking@Home, their distributed computing effort to figure out what is most sex, on all of the unused computers. So far there is a promising result, but it requires a human who is the same forwards as backwards. You might have to see it to know what I mean.
They say that Evil once filled a piñata with spoiled mayonnaise just to watch the expression of disappointment on the children’s faces. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for cookies, chocolates, and the knowledge that no amount of treats will fill the loneliness inside of us. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, get ready to feel extra lonely.
Pen has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, Pen’s nemesis’s life will take a turn for the significantly worse. That nemesis is Chris Frost. We gave the Wheel of Misery a just miserable, pathetic spin. It didn’t even make it once all the way around before it landed on Indiscrete. From this day forward, Chris Frost will be 47% more indiscrete with all matters. Old secrets, new secrets, the works. For Evil measure, Pen will be 13% more discrete with all matters, leading to some awkward moments for sure. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
I am told that the Damnation and Ruination Squad are only wearing buttons right now. Like the ones you would sew onto something. But they’re not sewn on. It doesn’t look like glue, either. I think it might just be Damnation and Ruination gunk, a kind of film they develop over their whole bodies from covering themselves in a number of strange substances and being relatively shower-averse. Gross. But also kind of cool looking.
This brings us to the end of the broadcast. As I said earlier, the gas will naturally dissipate. It’s about as heavy as air, so it tends to linger, but you should be free of it soon. I hope that you all are optimistic about Evil in the coming year, and that you have made small, achievable goals for how you might advance Evil. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a demonic ranged acrobat. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, William Brandon, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Courtney C, Damien Scott-Viker, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Kristina Kirkland, who found the diagrams, Calico, who assembled the machine, and Fairy Squad Mother, who launched the bomb into the unfriendly lake. And thanks also to our division heads. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Bellamy Cornet, has knitted so many appendages for the yarn zoo that it has become a living thing of its own, dark, and horrifying. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz,has gotten out the really old can opener. You can easily cut yourself on what remains of the can, and not like a small cut. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has reduced the temperature in the cafeteria by enough that people spend on average thirty seconds less in there. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh uh.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed the enchilada in a bag stand. Just as wet as you would expect, all of the flavor you truly want. 9/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on Food Fight, a book of foods that fight you once ingested. It’s problematic to say the least. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, directed by Sass Master J, has found an air vent actually large enough to hold a human. You can nap in there, but it is a bit breezy and your skin can get pretty dry. The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has developed Speck-Taters. It’s a bowl full of potato pieces so small that they are formally considered specks. The Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks, directed by Wraith Fenix, has developed a sexual tornado. You get sucked up into it, and then sex happens. You know exactly what I mean. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Michael K, has been strolling down Hallway 099-3. We are told that the lingering new carpet smell has a strange, almost savory aroma. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked one hundred fainting goats. Then they came back to consciousness. The Division of Suspiciously Specific Charitable Donations, directed by Hemlock Yew, has made a donation to a charity for forest fire relief in the amount of $420. Yikes. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark. And yet the heaviest thing known to man is the weight of disappointment.