Featuring Evan and Niko from DeathByDyingPod.com

in which Corin has to move some things, we begin an important computing project at home, we wonder what a particular sex toy is used for, and Zander “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear may leave you uncomfortably satisfied.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. Kakos Industries continues to Do Evil Better. I remain Corin Deeth III, CEO, and you remain our ever faithful shareholders. Last time you heard from me, it was Halloween, shareholders, and it was pretty okay considering most of you couldn’t be here. There’s also something I was somewhat embarrassed to find out that I feel worth mentioning. In the recording, my grandfather mentioned a Halloween village. I was under the impression that this village was actually only open during Halloween. Sort of like a touring Renaissance festival or something like that. But it turns out it’s always there. Like, there are people who live on this tiny road in these run down, but still somehow magical looking homes. There’s a woman who just cooks her meals in a cauldron in her front yard. There are some of the most tangled and gnarled trees I have ever seen. I think the leaves might always be orange. I don’t know. It’s kind of cozy. Just weird to think that those people always live there and then we just trample through their neighborhood once a year. As far as I can tell, they like that. I mean, why else would you live in such a spooky-ass neighborhood. Things have mostly gotten back to normal here at Kakos Industries. And by that, I mean everyone is working from home and it’s super quiet in the building. Kimmie has really gotten into woodworking. And flannel. It’s like some sort of lumberjack thing. I think. When I ask about it, she just says that it’s fun. It’s kind of zen, the way she explains things. Like they simply are what they are. It’s like she’s not just constantly thinking about everything that is, and everything that could be, and everything that could go wrong, and everything that’s terrible all the time like everyone else. I haven’t known her forever, but I’ve known her for a while, and I don’t think she was always like this. I’m not sure what changed, but I’m hoping I might learn something. In the meantime, I’ve gotten some really cool carpentry-related gifts. I was doing some work when Kimmie just kind of ran a finger along my desk and said “this is trash,” and left the room. It’s an antique that probably every CEO of Kakos Industries as far back as there are any records of, which is honestly not that far back, has sat at. But now, the CEOs who follow me will be sitting at a different desk. She texted me to come look at something, and there was this beautiful, ornate, richly stained desk that looked like it should be in a photograph from an old luxury ship that sank after two journeys across the Atlantic. It took her a couple of weeks to get it made, and I knew that she had started working with wood like this, I mean, I requisitioned her the materials and gave her the go ahead to use the unoccupied Division of Wood facilities, but I was still surprised. And then there was the way she gave it to me. She was just kind of like leaning on it, her flannel sleeves rolled up mid bicep. Her pale bluejeans were covered in wood shavings. The sawdust adhering to her skin with the sweat of hard work diffused the light from the shop lights and made her almost seem to sparkle. She had a scratch on her face that had only bled just a little bit. She was breathing like she had just lifted something heavy. I expected her to ask something silly like, did I like it. Instead, she looked at me and said, “It’s better.” Of course it was fucking better. There was nothing I wanted in that moment more than for her to take me on this piece of furniture. She doesn’t have what I would consider a particularly strong frame, and I think that’s what makes it so striking when she shows physical strength like this. It’s a great desk. Real great desk. It is not distracting to me at all when I’m working to think about where it came from or what has happened atop it. She’s been slowly replacing a lot of the furniture in her favorite parts of the building with really beautiful pieces at a faster and faster pace. I still don’t know if she has a place of her own in the building, but I occasionally find new benches and chairs in front of the windows with the greatest views. She must be getting a great handle on the machinery in the Division of Wood. I asked her about the woodworking. She’s been going through a lot of interests lately, as you probably know. She said, “it’s alive, isn’t it?” I think I understand. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a cigar box you should have received from your incoming projectiles windows. While it is made of wood, it is not from Kimmie’s efforts, I’m sorry to say. I am told that our scientists in the Division of Forest Engineering created a species of tree that would grow quickly into a useful hardwood. They called it the Wyverwil Oak. They planted all of the acorns they had, watched the trees erupt in a matter of years, and then cut every single one down, driving the species to complete extinction. The wood, as I understand it, has been used for a number of projects, but most of it has just been sitting around in a warehouse. One of those projects was these cigar boxes. I don’t know what they were supposed to have in them, but I am told that if you do find a cigar in the box you’ve received, then you must take a great amount of caution before deciding to smoke it. It will, and I am quoting directly from the literature here, get you so fucked up you won’t remember what normal was, and then when that level of severe fucked-up-ed-ness starts to feel a bit more normal, things are about to get a whole lot more intense. Make sure you’ve cleared at least a week in your schedule, and that you’ve had a large meal. The radio is attached to the top of the box. I know what glue they used, and you are not getting it out of there. It is stuck permanently. You would have to seriously chip at the wood to have any luck at all. But that won’t matter, for obvious reasons. (pause) If you’re a new shareholder, then, spoiler, you’ll have to destroy the box at the end of the broadcast. It’s just how it works, unfortunately. I’ll probably tell you to smash it, but it is sturdy, and it may defeat you. 

Before I get too far into the announcements shareholders, I want to tell you about something very interesting going on in the Division of Fission. You are never going to believe what they split–

GUS:     Uh, hello? Is this Corin Deeth?

CORIN:     Yeah, this is Corin Deeth. I’m in the middle of something important right now, though. How did you get access to this intercom channel?

STAN:     Right, uh, Mr. Deeth, we’re the movers and we were strongly cautioned to get in touch with you before we just started moving stuff. 

CORIN:    What are you moving? Who are you?

GUS:    We’re with Two Evil Gentlemen, Amphetamines, and a Moving Truck, the official movers of Kakos Industries.

CORIN:    Right, we just renewed your contract. I was at the meeting.

GUS:    I’m Gus.

STAN:    And I’m Stan.

GUS:    And we’re here to do some moving.

CORIN:    What are you moving and to where?

STAN:    Right, right, Mr. Deeth. We’ve got the order here. It says The Entire Office of Corin Deeth. And we’re moving it into Office 13-669 A through Y. 

CORIN:    That’s the empty office opposite mine. 

GUS:    Uh, yup, it does look like it’s just across the hallway. 

CORIN:    Is there something wrong with my office?

STAN:    That’s really not for us to say, Mr. Deeth. We’re just the movers.

CORIN:    Who authorized the order?

GUS:    Um… That is a difficult signature to read to be sure. In fact, it’s kind of giving me one of those migraine auras just looking at the signature. 

CORIN:    That’s serious, then. When was this request made?

STAN:    Looks like the date has faded.

CORIN:    I think this must be old, then. Well, in that case, not to worry. Just don’t move anything and I think we’re all done here. 

GUS:    Well, there’s a bit of a problem there. Even if we don’t know when this request was made, it is an official request with an extremely official signature. In fact, I think… Yep, I’ve definitely lost sight in my left eye from looking at it too long. I’m just gonna fold that corner of the page over.

CORIN:    Are you okay?

GUS:    Oh, I think it’ll come back no problem. I just gotta give it a few minutes. Maybe an hour or so. It’s already starting to come back. 

CORIN:    Who the hell signed off on this?

GUS:    Well, I can take another look–

CORIN:    That will not be necessary. I’m CEO, so I think I should be able to call this off.

STAN:    There’s a problem there. You see, Office 13-666 A through Y is set to be demolished, and then we’re scheduled to move in a bunch of aquarium equipment after the remodel.

CORIN:    Soundman, can you check on this? What do you mean it’s legit? Who has greater authority than I do? The paperwork does? This is strange. Yes, I know stranger things have happened. Fine.

GUS:    Right, so I trust we’ve got that squared away, so now we gotta start moving things. 

CORIN:    I like my office. 

STAN:    The new one is identical. It’s just across the way.

CORIN:    It’s not identical. It’s a mirror image. Everything is on the wrong side. 

GUS:    We’ll let you sort that out on your own time. Right now we gotta move some stuff and we just wanted to check the best way to do that. 

CORIN:    You better not break anything. 

STAN:    We at Two Evil Gentlemen, Amphetamines, and a Moving Truck take our jobs very seriously. Your cargo is in good hands. 

CORIN:    Alright. What are you trying to move?

GUS:    Right, there seem to be a number of tapes in a variety of formats and the tape machines to go with them also. 

CORIN:    Please be very careful with those. 

STAN:    Right, that’s what we wanted to know. 

CORIN:    What?

GUS:    We were just making sure we needed to be careful with them.

CORIN:    Please be careful with everything. Does that cover it?

STAN:    How would you like your new office laid out?

CORIN:    Exactly like the other one.

GUS:    But a mirror image?

CORIN:    Yeah, I guess so. 

STAN:    Great, Mr. Deeth. I think we’re all squared away. We’ll call you if anything comes up. 

CORIN:    If it could wait until after the announcements, that would be ideal.

GUS:    We’ll see. We’re on a tight schedule here. 

CORIN:    Fine. Talk to you later. 

I don’t know who ordered this move, but they’re probably going to lose their job. I can’t imagine who would have ordered something so stupid. If I had to guess, this order got stuck somewhere, was supposed to go through decades ago, and then just popped up now to bite me in the ass.  I’m a bit attached to my office, if you didn’t know. My grandfather used this office for his entire time as CEO here at Kakos Industries, and it is likely that his predecessors did as well. It is perfectly situated to monitor the activities from the whole building. I won’t say that it is centrally located, but it exists at some interesting focal points of some complicated and extra dimensional ellipses. Before news gets to you, you just get a feeling. You know before you know. It’s difficult to describe. And just sitting there thinking about all of the Evil that has come across that desk. All of the exploitation, all of the violence, all of the psychological pain, all of the beauty lost to the world permanently. It has history. And now it’s going to be filled with aquarium equipment. I’ll have to check and see what Division that is. If it’s the Division of Aquaria, then I’m going to have some pretty serious complaints. If it’s the mycology people, that’s probably fine if the air filters will be working. Let’s not forget about the view from the window, either. It’s the Grassy lawn. My grandfather has noted extensively that he enjoyed watching the naked aerobics class meet on that lawn. I tend to close my blinds. I mean, they want me to look. That’s kind of part of it, you know. But I think maybe that’s what I don’t like. Like, I’m trying to work here. The new office overlooks the flower maze. I guess that’s nice as well, now that I think of it. The friendly lake is just in the distance. I guess I’ll get used to it. 

In addition to Halloween, we just had Black Friday. Now, making people stand outside in inhospitable conditions, terrible weather, and with the chance that they might get sick all for the sake of some trinket that will be broken or otherwise useless in two years time is very tempting. After last year’s Blumn situation, where we made up Blumn, turned everyone away, only to watch them go to a food truck outside to get what may have plausibly have  been Blumn, we decided not to go the route of the fake product. We decided to go online instead. We made a listing for a new gaming console people seem to be having a hard time getting a hold of, but here’s where the genius came in. It would allow a user to put it into the cart, and then it would put them in a number of waiting rooms, or on webpages with timed tests to make sure they were still there and serious. It was agony for a full 24 hours. We gave one person the console, but he’s going to be disappointed to find out that it has been dropped several times. At least there’s a return policy. 

It is, of course, the season of Anti Celebration. There have been few in person incidents of the more militant anti celebrators, but I understand that they have made online forums where the discourse is growing vitriolic. It’s pretty bad. I would encourage all of you to anti-celebrate how you see fit. I would imagine much of that anti-celebration is going to be automatic this year, so it’s also okay to find small ways to celebrate on your own also. It’s not a one-or-the-other situation. 

We also have one of the shareholder’s choice festivals coming up. Due to a weird online petition and a suspicious campaign, rather than the Zestival, or a Messtival, or a Bestival, we’re finally having the Chestival. Please contain your excitement. As much as we all love the human chest in its various forms, the vote this year was swayed strongly in favor of a narrow scope Chestival. Specifically, a celebration in which we open the locked chest on Floor 44 in the upper atrium. There is apparently a conspiracy of some sort that this chest contains all of the evidence of my goodness. Yes, my personal goodness. I mentioned this Kakos-Epiphany conspiracy before. I don’t know what is in that chest, but I am fairly confident it is not any evidence of me doing good things secretly. Why would I hide that shit in a chest in plain view? I have so many perfectly usable hiding places. All the same, Kimmie tells me the wood work on the chest is unusual in at least a few different ways. The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Goes to has the key. They have tested it, but they did not open the chest after making sure that they could disengage the lock. This is not the strangest thing they’ve ever done. Well, I will be just as surprised as all of you.

And we also have Yule coming up. We’re still working out the details, but we would sure like to be able to bring the Yule celebration into your homes, shareholders. Stay tuned. 

CORIN:    So, I believe I was about to say something about the Division of Fission…

GUS:    We’ve got some more questions for you, Mr. Deeth.

CORIN:    Just be careful with everything and put it in the same place. 

GUS:    Right, right. No can do.

STAN:    We found this big box of drugs in a hiding spot. Easy to miss, but we’re professionals. 

CORIN:    I don’t keep a box of drugs in my office. 

GUS:    Well, it was in there. Lots of stuff. Looks like uppers, downers, lefters, all arounders, psychedelics. There’s some gummy bears in here that I do not know the contents of.

STAN:    I think those are weed gummies. 

GUS:    Well they’re hard as rocks. You want us to move them to another hiding place in the new office?

CORIN:    Where is the new hiding place?

STAN:    You can’t miss it. It’s a little less obvious than the last one, but I think you’ll get it. 

CORIN:    I didn’t find the last one. That stuff is probably decades old. 

GUS:    So we’ll move it to the new hiding place. 

STAN:    Then there’s this big box of porno. It was in another weird hiding place. 

CORIN:    I don’t keep a big box of porno in my office.

GUS:    Look, we’re not judging. We just need to know if we’re clear to hide it in the new office. 

CORIN:    Sure. Just find any hiding spot and stuff it with porn. That could never cause problems in the future. 

STAN:    There’s some good stuff in here. Some classics, you know. 

CORIN:    What are we talking, DVD? Magazines?

GUS:    VHS, magazines, and a few of these little plastic eyepieces with a naked picture inside. 

STAN:    Real vintage. 

CORIN:    My grandfather’s, then. 

GUS:    Okay, we’ll hide it, then.

CORIN:    Or throw it out.

STAN:     I think you’ll want this stuff. It might be valuable. 

CORIN:    I doubt it. 

STAN:    There’s also six deactivated sex robots.

CORIN:    Where the hell would I keep sex robots. The office isn’t that big.

STAN:    It’s a secret passage. 

CORIN:    Just put them wherever. I’ll get them recycled or something. 

GUS:    Alright, just one more thing Mr. Deeth. I am looking at a thing here that I am one hundred percent sure is a sex toy. 

CORIN:    I don’t keep any of those in my office.

GUS:    It was hidden. Like I said, I know in my heart of hearts that this thing is a sex toy. Thing is, I can’t figure out where it goes or what it does when it gets there.

CORIN:    I don’t know. It’s not mine. Just put it somewhere in the office and I’ll figure it out.

GUS:    No, we got a place to put it in the office, I just want to know what the hell it is. What do you do with it. Like, is it a butt thing? Or do you, I don’t know, try to put yourself in it? It looks like it should vibrate. Can’t find a switch.

CORIN:    Can you describe it to me?

STAN:    It’s round, but it’s got like this pink thingy hanging off the side. There’s a small opening in three different places. It’s got like a nose or something. It feels like synthetic scrotum. 

CORIN:    Um… Maybe just throw it out.

GUS:    Like I said, we know where it’s going. We were just curious. 

CORIN:    Do you want it?

GUS:    I mean, yeah. But I can’t take anything. It’s against protocol. Although, I already did some of the drugs from the other box. Accidentally.

STAN:    Me too. I think the gummies are just gummies, but the powder with the candy dipstick is definitely DarkMegaphetamine. I think I might be awake for a few days after this. 

GUS:    He’s also rock hard.

STAN:    It’s… yeah, it’s real hard. Doesn’t feel like nothing, though. Might’ve been a bit of Ultracaine in there. Hint of Paprika, too. Maybe ol’ Millennium Actress, actually.

CORIN:    Gentlemen, are we done?

GUS:    All done for now. Although it does appear I got my finger stuck in this sex toy thing. Well, I guess I’ll get it out somehow. 

STAN:    We’ll let you know if we need anything else. 

CORIN:    Right. Thanks. 

Meredith Gorgoro has been apparently teaching the residents of our Hell labor camp to play big drums. They don’t have much in the way of wood down there, but they have pottery and stonework, and skins of one variety or another. If you stand directly above Hell, you can hear this drumming. It appears to be constant. We are unsure if this is a way to keep the work moving, or if it has some other purpose, like keeping visitors away, or adding to the torment of the people toiling away down there. It’s very interesting. Sometimes I’ll put on recordings of it when I need to get some work done, albeit at a much lower volume level.

So, as I was saying before…

GUS:    Where do you want the big tree?

CORIN:    The what?

STAN:    It’s in the secret garden here.

CORIN:    The what?

GUS:    It’s a little too tall for the new secret garden.

CORIN:    The new what?

STAN:    You know, Gus, I think we can make it fit.

CORIN:    The WHAT?

GUS:    No worries, Mr. Deeth. We’ll call back with any other questions.

CORIN:    The fucking what?

The Division of Erotic Experiences has changed their tact slightly. Inspired by distributed computing efforts that are seeking to cure or develop treatments for various diseases by folding proteins, they have come up with a system shareholders can apparently run on their computers at home. It’s called Fucking@home. You’ve probably guessed by now that they’ve put their faith back into sexual positions to figure out what might be most sex. Now, your computer at home can run these simulations, which apparently take anywhere from one-and-a-half to ten people, and mash their bodies together until something like sex can occur. From there it projects expected pleasurability and a number of other interesting parameters. I’ve been having semi-frequent video calls with both Jasmine Aashna and Dr. Dunklewissen. I’m not sure if they planned this, but they are both butt-ass naked for these calls. I’ve considered addressing it, but it almost feels like I’m the rude one for being dressed. 

So…

STAN:    The life-size unicorn?

CORIN:    Wherever it fits.

STAN:    Gotcha.

I am told that the Division of Licking Things has licked something important in the lobby. It’s apparently something that a lot of people touch. I’m honestly more worried for them.

The Division of Figuring out What All of These Keys Go to finally opened the bookcase door in Library 37. The key, if you are curious, was G Mixolydian.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment is currently working on a reenactment of Massive Squid versus Tentacunado. It’s their most ambitious production yet, and I am told it will involve no less than 25 puppets, some of which are disembodied tentacles, and others are the sea. I am so excited. 

I think we’re all still haunted by how fucking hot Yolanda Walker is. That’s all I had to say really. The feeling hasn’t left me and I don’t know what to do with it. 

GUS:    There’s a raging fire in here.

CORIN:    It can never go out.

GUS:    Okay, just checking.

The Division of Artificial Flavors has teased out how to make shower fart a flavor. I know that this is great news for all of us as human beings who have to share the Earth with The Division of Artificial Flavors.

They say that Evil once impregnated all of the royalty on planet Earth, causing widespread deformities. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for great deals, the best savings, and the knowledge that everything you buy puts another container in a landfill and another quantity of harmful gasses into the atmosphere. Obviously, we can’t know where you’re shopping, or whether or not we’re directly responsible for your shameful waste. But we are saying that it was us, and we are quite confident that we did it. If you disagree, then, ouch, that’s an ugly splinter. Better get that out of there in a hurry. Please be careful with your doubts. 

Zander has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. No this is not a mononym. The last name is just the barely perceptible movement of air across your lips. As a result of this victory, the life of Zander’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Mikael Köster (Me-ka-el Kuh-ster). We gave the Wheel of Misery a strong spin and it landed on the space for “Lose a Turn”. This is quite possibly the worst fate on the Wheel. From this day forward, Mikael will lose a turn. We’re not sure where, or when, but it will be devastating. For Evil measure, Zander will get an extra third of a turn. This might not be as great is it might seem. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The damnation and ruination squad by the way,are wearing so many neckties. they look pretty fancy.

CORIN:    Right, I was going to tell you something about the Division of Fission. I got distracted. 

STAN:    Mr. Deeth.

CORIN:    Oh, what is it this time?

GUS:    We found another secret hiding spot filled with some sort of animal eggs. 

CORIN:    Are they old and rotten?

STAN:    They seem to be relatively fresh.

CORIN:    Leave those there. 

GUS:    We gotta move everything.

CORIN:    Those belong to the new tenant. They’ve already been moved in.

GUS:    But we do all the moving.

STAN:    No, I think I remember. We already moved these here. 

GUS:    Wait. Oh, yeah, okay. I remember. It’s just weird ‘cause we always do one thing at a time and this is out of order, but I remember we talked about it earlier now. 

STAN:    We’ll just leave them here. 

GUS:    Then we’ve got this crate of guns. There’s no identical hiding place, but there’s one just like it. 

CORIN:    Fine. Hide drugs and guns and porno in my new office in places where I’ll never find any of it.

GUS:    OKay, then we’re on the same page. 

STAN:    There’s also what, uh, appears to be a small nuclear reactor. 

CORIN:    Be very careful with that. 

GUS:    Obviously. We’re not newborn babies over here. It’s just the new location would block some of the vents. 

CORIN:    Can you rotate it like fifteen degrees?

STAN:    That should do it, yeah. 

CORIN:    Make sure the shield is in the right place. 

GUS:    We’re professionals, Mr. Deeth. 

STAN: by th by,We had to move your escape hatch about three meters from where it usually is. 

CORIN:    Which one?

STAN:    Which… Oh, we’ll keep looking then. 

CORIN:    I need each and every one of those. They all go different places. 

STAN:    We’ll do a sweep. 

GUS:    Right, so apart from the escape hatches, I think we’ve got everything moved from the office and the apartment, except for the bed. 

CORIN:    You’ve moved… everything? It’s been like half an hour.

STAN:    We are very good at what we do, Mr. Deeth. 

CORIN:    There’s like two of you. 

GUS:    Right, so the bed…

CORIN:    Does it not fit through the door?

STAN:    That’s not the issue.

GUS:    It’s the sleeping lady-type person.

CORIN:    Oh, Kimmie? She was up for like three days working on some project. On top of that, she can sleep through anything. 

STAN:    Thus far she has slept through all of the moving we have done, including the use of high powered machinery. 

CORIN:    Okay. I need you two to do me a solid. 

GUS:    I am honor bound to do anyone a solid when requested as such. 

STAN:    I as well. 

CORIN:     Try to move the bed into the other apartment without waking her. 

GUS:    The lady shall not be disturbed. 

STAN:    You have our word on that. 

CORIN

Oh, man. When she wakes up and finds everything mirrored… I have to be there. I Can’t miss it. 

That brings us to the end of our broadcast, shareholders. Please destroy your cigar box and the radio permanently affixed to the top of it. If you can successfully separate them, then you may destroy the radio and keep this rare and beautiful box, but you only have a little bit of time before… well, I’ll let that be a surprise. I’m off to go wake up Kimmie and pretend like nothing has changed. And then probably get used to the new office. And figure out where the secret garden is. The numbers are next.

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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a lover, a fighter and a partier_. Special guest appearance in this episode by Niko Gerentes and Evan Gulock of the Death By Dying Podcast. You can hear more from them at DeathByDyingPod.com or follow @deathbydyingpod. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, William Brandon, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Fairy Squad Mother, Damien Scott-Viker, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Kristina Kirkland, who wore the enigmatic robe, and Calico, who observed it closely. And thanks also to our division heads. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Bellamy Cornet, has started to knit little life-like appendages all around the zoo as though the zoo itself was some sort of living, horrible, unknowable thing.  The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has gotten out the hand crank murder saw. It pretty much is what it says on the tin and the sound it makes is just terrifying. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has shaved the edges off of most of the paper user here at Kakos Industries. We are told the weight savings is not insignificant, but close. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “The Universe in its infinite unknowable machinations has been working for billions of years on this project it calls everything, and in that time it made the Earth and all of the life on it, including you and I, and I just think this moment is so much more important than we can really comprehend for that reason, and maybe we should bang about it.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed the enormous pancakes from the pancake cart. Fluffy and delightful, 11/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on Now You’re Cooking with Dynamite. It sounds much more exciting than it is. Especially if you’re hungry. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, directed by Sass Master J, has found a bed of straw in a barn in the Division of Ranching. The only downside is the ranch hands who also use that barn for their trysts.  The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has developed Shockolate. It’s electrified chocolate. Oof.  The Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks, directed by Wraith Fenix, has developed a sexier version of Tag. I’ll let you guess what happens when you’re It. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Michael K, has been strolling down Hallway CB-9. Apparently the acoustics there make footsteps sound just heavenly. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked a rooster on a cat on a dog on a donkey. They then got really upset when no one got the reference. The Division of Suspiciously Specific Charitable Donations, directed by Hemlock Yew, has discovered Yosi Wu made a contribution of three dollars to public broadcasting. It’s better than nothing, but barely above the credit card fees. Perhaps there is more here than meets the eye. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos Industries can be dark. Try whispering sweet nothings in its ear to make it go away.