in which Corin receives some strange requests, an attempt is made to educate, Junior turns a crank, Corin Deeth I asks important questions, and Chris Frost “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear is just exercise grunts and drops of sweat hitting the wood floor.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we help, guide, inspire, incept, and push our clients, and the population in general to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. These announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders, so if you aren’t one, then you are about to go down a very dark rabbit hole. You are warned. Close the browser tab. This may not be a huge surprise for you, shareholders, but things have still been moving slowly. Many of our employees are working from home. We are still getting a lot of work done, but somehow it just isn’t as fun. Spreadsheets are getting filled in. Numbers are being crunched. Analytics are being presented. New products are being designed. But everyone is in their pajamas while they’re doing it, with a depression pizza just behind their laptop. It’s not as sexy, you know? There’s no chemistry. No friction. Everyone’s just working, and then clocking out and watching baking shows on repeat. Almost everyone. The people in Morlorca are already isolated, so there’s no need for them to quarantine. We have “found” them, so to speak. There is a pulley system in a laboratory quite a ways into the basements here at Kakos Industries that leads down there. A small amount of supplies can be lowered if one has the patience and forearm strength. I discovered this laboratory months ago as it is one of the unmanned ones. You heard me right, the single line of communication from Morlorca to the surface has been without an attendant for months. I am told the attendant in question is Kyle Duggan. Way to leave note, Kyle. Anyway, I sent an email to Kyle. No response just yet. I read through his research notes about the Morlorcans. They are not mole people as Soundman Steven said. They are just Evil people underground mining and doing science. At no point in Kyle’s notes have I found any explanations of what science they are supposed to be doing down there, only references to the science being great or not so great. I am unsure if Kyle is being cryptic here or just covering his own ass for not knowing himself. I started lowering messages to the people to see how things were going. I’ll read you some of the correspondence now. 

“Hello, Morlorcans. This is Corin Deeth III, CEO of Kakos Industries. How are things going down there?”

The reply: “Hey, there, Mr. Deeth, Petey Wipple here. We’re doing great, you know. Just mining, keeping the generators going, getting food grown, doing science, having a great time. Really loving it underground. The one thing we could use is some sperm.”

So I went down to the repository and found some especially evil sperm. It doesn’t belong to anyone in particular. It’s just Evil sperm. It makes Evil people of all kinds. This is the primo stuff. I figure if they need an injection of DNA down there, why skimp?

I sent the vial with a note: “Glad to hear you are doing well down there. We are all excited to see what you come up with. Attached is a vial of the best sperm Evil can produce. Please give me an update on your findings.”

I had to wait a few hours for a response, but the bell next to the pulley system eventually did ring. I have a baby monitor next to it so I’ll know. 

The response: “Great sperm, Mr. Deeth. That stuff definitely came from deep in the balls. Here’s hoping it’ll work! Science is going well. Should have results to discuss soon. Might need some more sperm.”

I was confused at this point, as you can understand. I had sent them some high caliber stuff. It should have been enough to get thirty people pregnant. I don’t know anything about their lives down there. There might be hundreds of people, so I went back to the repository and got some different stuff. Evil, but with a bit more variation. Again, not from anyone in particular. That’s not how it works. We’re not going to send a jar of Gerald down there and have the next generation all be little Jerries, okay? It’s gotta be a medley, and the less human the origin the better. High grade synthetic. 

I attached a note just like the last time. “This is some really great stuff. Be sure to use it sparingly. A little goes a long way. We don’t want anyone having quintuplets by accident. Please keep me posted regarding pregnancies and science.”

I left it alone for a few days. I figure, the stuff needs a chance to work, you know? Our best tests take a few days to detect conception, so I gave it some time. Then, the bell rang.

“Great stuff again, Mr. Deeth. Definitely from real deep in the balls. It looks like the first batch didn’t work again. We’ve been having a really hard time bringing any new bundles of mirth into the world. Science is going well.”

At this point I was getting a little confused. I replied quickly, or as quickly as one can when you have to crank a pulley system from between five and twenty minutes to send the reply. “Was normal sexual activity not working?” I didn’t get a reply for a few days.

“You are correct. Sex was not helping to produce any pregnancies. We’ve been trying. Hoping the Evil sperm will work. So far, no luck. Science going well. Please send sperm.”

I didn’t want to sound rude, but this situation had me flummoxed. It’s possible that something had gone wrong and left them all infertile. They are working with radiation down there. But no pregnancies? None at all?

“Are you putting it in?” I wrote to them. Around a minute into turning the pulley, I regretted not writing more. 

“Yep. Putting it in. Leaving it there. Moving it a bit. No luck. More sperm please.”

This one had me even more confused. I consulted the experimental guide, and it told me that I could not send any pictures down there. So I found the most explicit text I could in regards to sexual education and sent it down with another vial of even stranger Evil sperm. If any of that original sperm hung around, we don’t want to overdo it. I sent fresh stuff. “Try this,” I wrote. “And here are some tips to help conceive.” I had Junior turn the crank this time. He has incredible arm strength. He is supposed to call in if anything happens. Here’s hoping. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a series of posts on a conspiracy message board. This particular message board, Kakos-Epiphany.orgorgorg, is dedicated to the conspiracy theory that Kakos Industries is actually… good, and that I, as CEO, have been trying to bring about a substantial shift here. This is of course false. We Do Evil. We Do Evil so well that sometimes it might not seem like we’re doing anything at all, and that’s how we like it. Well, anyway, you downloaded a file claiming to be all the evidence you would ever need that Kakos Industries is good or something, and instead, these announcements started streaming into your device. As I stated before, if you’re not a Kakos Industries shareholder, then this rabbit hole is about to go really deep for you, and you’re not going to make it out in one piece. Unless you become Evil along the way, which is likely. Be advised. 

Your Evil dancing on Thwicc Thwocc was outstanding as always, and the part that I loved the most was that you did not explode into a bunch of Evil babies. Like every Kakos Industries CEO Festival of the Dance, there were a lot of performances that seemed to lampoon me as a person. A group of people who will remain nameless, performed a piece where there was one small-ish woman wearing a suit who was supposed to be me, and like ten people, who all must be cohabitating, who were performing having some sort of interest in me. The woman in the suit kept pushing them away and running off. You know, while dancing. I don’t really think it’s that funny. I mean, I get it. They’re Tabithas. But like, where’s the joke. I don’t know. Maybe it was funny for all of you.

Coming up, we have the Festival of Somnambulation. This will also be held remotely. It will also use the Thwicc Thwocc app, you just won’t remember what you posted until you see it the next day.

We recently took a poll from all of you who might ordinarily enjoy the Festival of Fertility as to whether or not such an event should take place. We obviously can’t let all of you get that close together. It would not be good for the offspring. The desire was still there, however, so we’re going to go ahead with it. It’s going to look like this: If you’re looking to conceive, it’ll happen. Probably in your sleep or something. In order to give you the feeling of having actually visited the event and taken part in its particular eccentricities, we’ll leave you something nice in your refrigerator to snack on. You know, the usual sort of thing. Gotta get those prenatal vitamins, you know? Currently we have a shortage of sperm for some reason, but we’re working on getting our supplies back up.

I am told that the Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment is preparing Were Mecha Wolf Vs. Mecha Werewolf, the ultimate showdown. Are you as excited as I am? This was one for the history books and I am looking forward to seeing it all over again. I was there for the original fight. It was in a laboratory downstairs. It was sick. I mean, I was called there to weigh in on how we should stop the fight and save the building in the event that we were unable to stop the fight. But in hindsight, it was sick. We lost some people that day, and that laboratory is now just a gaping hole. I’m actually not sure why we didn’t fix that hole yet. It’s weird because it’s like in the middle of a bunch of stuff. There are two offices that overlook the hole, without like a railing or anything to protect them from falling in. It’s wild. I don’t think I can get a construction crew in there now. I’m also not about to do the work myself. We’ll need like a metal beam or something. Some concrete probably. Glue? I don’t know how these things work. 

The cavers have now switched from trying to find the treasure at Lake Wyverwil and have instead decided to just try to see how deep the cave goes. I told them that I was specifically not asking them to do that and that they were on their own if anything went wrong. They accepted the risk and went on. They have not come out and it has been about a week. I hope that they are okay, but I’m not sending anyone in after them. I’ve been thinking about the treasure they found in the cave closer to Lake Bygerbil. All of the gold and gems encrusting the walls. It reminds me of an older legend about a treasure in that area. 

At Lake Bygerbil be

A treasure you see,

To rival the pharaohs 

and all of the kings.

Glittering gold 

And gemstones encrust

Where I once took thine mother

And did a big thrust. 

We thrusted for days,

Among glittering riches,

You see your mother

Was one of my… um…

Well, there is more to the story, but it is lost to time unfortunately. It goes back a ways. Anyway, that sounds like the cave, right? 

In my usual rounds checking in on all of the various experiments around Kakos Industries, I stopped into the Division of Erotic Experiences to see how things were going. There were still people in rooms being instructed to just fuck it out. This doesn’t seem like great science to me. I may not know every last thing about sex, but if I were to estimate what most sex would be, I would not think it was a bunch of young adults being locked in glass rooms with tons of cameras being told to get it on. It’s just not how these things happen. I made a point of talking to some of the people. One man informed me that he didn’t want to do this anymore and his heart just wasn’t in it. You would have to be pretty pessimistic to assume that the thing that is most sex would involve a languishing love life. Like, that’s some real life shit, Barbara, but this is a chain fast food restaurant, okay? Then this man informed me that he had developed feelings for a previous partner. He thought they might be mutual. He wanted to know if he could make it work. So I brought another man from one of the rooms to his room and switched out his current partner. He was overjoyed. They immediately started doing it. I think years of being a test subject where sexual privacy is nonexistent means that they aren’t all that shy. I gave them some space. Their partners, two women just kind of held each other and commiserated about life as a lab rat. I asked Dunk about the readings. He said there was a small bump, but nothing major. I’m curious if this was from the two in love or the two just trying to stick out a shitty situation together. I think I liked this project more when they were just sticking people’s bodies together into pornographic sculptures. It was a little more interesting that way, you know? This is starting to get negligent. The telepresence robots for Jasmine and Dunk were just kind of in a boardroom speculating about what might be least sex while still being sex. I listened in for a few minutes. They got really stuck on tennis. I don’t know what to make of that. 

There was a tape on my desk today. I assume a lone Tabitha still somewhere in the building left it. I’ll just give it a play, then. 

(Tape starts)

CDI: I, um, I know I just sent a bunch of people down to a cavern underground to do some sort of science, but I’m realizing I don’t know exactly what it was. There are scientists up here who were really into it, but I don’t know what it is. They said science, please offer them some advice, and record these messages and I was happy to help, you know. But there are people living underground now, and I have no idea why. I assume it must have something to do with geology or seismology, or sociology, but the document here just says science on it. This is a strange situation to be in I have to admit. What do I do here? I mean, I’ve sent people on far worse missions with less likelihood of success and survival. But I knew what those were for. For all I know, some people up here just thought it would be funny. Or maybe they just sent them down there because they were their least favorite coworkers. I have to hope that they’re trying to breed some sort of super Evil people underground. That would be really fucking cool. Just having a subterranean crew of the super Evil. But I don’t think that’s it, you know? I even asked for an update, and all I got was that the science was going super well. Not sure at all what that means. I think I should press them on it, but I keep thinking, what if they told me and I just can’t remember? Like what if they told me and I was really fucking high. It has happened before, you know. It would be embarrassing for me to not know if they told me. I should probably just let things keep going. Oh, um, 999, 37, 3. Someday someone will need those numbers. 

(Tape ends)

For what it is worth, shareholders, I do not currently need those numbers. I have written them down however.

(ringing)

Corin: Hello?

Junior: Hello, Corin.

Corin: Oh, hey Junior–

Junior: Corin, I had a thought and I wanted to share it with you.

Corin: Um, okay.

Junior: Corin, you’re an imbecile. Just one of the most puny minds I have ever come across. Yet you lead Kakos Industries. I’m developing a theory about how positions of power necessarily attract little intelects such as yours, and how having an utter nincompoop in that position of power challenges everyone in their vicinity to do better, making operations much smoother within a given context. For example, things get better in relation to the ways that the much more intelligent delegates interpret the requests of the incompetent manager. They pick up the slack, but only in the ways that they want to. For example–

Corin: Junior, I think you should write this out and I’ll take a look later. In the meantime, is there any news in regards to Morlorca?

Junior: Well, yes, actually, I was getting to that. They just sent me a reply to your last message. “Ah, yes, things are much better now. The sex we were doing before was good, but things are feeling much better now. Instructions for sperm were also clear. High quality stuff once again. Must have come from the deepest, darkest part of the balls. As of yet, no pregnancies. Science is going great. Please send more sperm.” Well, if it’s sperm they’re after, Corin, you know I could fill a bucket or two and send them on down. Make sure I get the stuff from the deepest–

Corin: Junior, you know that violates a number of ethical boundaries. Obviously it would be super Evil, but it would be counterproductive. We don’t even know if your sperm is capable of making a viable embryo with a regular human egg cell. 

Junior: I was merely joking, Corin. I have requested a new supply directly from the repository. It should be here momentarily. It is regrettably dipping into the supply for the Festival of Fertility, however. 

Corin: I was afraid of that. We’ll need to send them another response. Something like, “we’re glad things are improving. Please keep us posted on science. This is the last batch of sperm for a while–”

Junior: We’re spent and we need a chance to recharge our balls. 

Corin: “and we need a chance to replenish our stores. No sperm for a while.”

Junior: Fine. If you want to be so formal about it. They seem not to be. You know you have to write for your audience, Corin.

Corin: Well I don’t think my audience in this case loves dick jokes, okay?

Junior: Life is a dick joke, Corin. Even when there aren’t any. 

Corin: Sure. Write the response. Don’t embellish too much. Give them the sperm. 

Junior: I will do so, if only because I am challenged by your incompetence. 

Corin: How are the little ones?

Junior: They are becoming world class crawlers. 

Corin: Adorable.

Junior: Ferocious.

Corin: Okay. I’ll talk to you later, Junior.

Junior: Yes, goodbye now. 

(click)

This is really concerning. They have gone through enough sperm to impregnate an army without even trying to get it in the right places. I’m confused.

I think we figured out the thing with Yolanda Walker in The Division of Screen Printing. You know, the thing where she got all of the hot genes. It turns out it was a overalls-glasses-ponytail thing. Some people in the Division of Evening Wear sent her some nice clothes to test out as part of an experiment. And, it was suddenly obvious what was going on. Everything was there. Everything we were expecting. The baggy hoodie was hiding so much. Unfortunately, the attention wasn’t exactly what Yolanda was looking for. I mean, I assume if you get in line for hot genes, you expect to get hot genes. But apparently the number of available suitors has been overwhelming, and Yolanda still hasn’t caught the eye of her beloved Antoine, her coworker at the screenprinter. Antoine, I know you get these announcements. On behalf of everyone currently not getting that, you need to get that. You’re not making things up. She is into you. Please get it. Please. As long as I know someone is getting it, maybe I can get that picture out of my head. 

I have been getting a number of inquiries into my own love life, recently. I’ve still been hanging with Kimmie. It’s great. She doesn’t expect anything from me, and she’s happy to see me when we hang out. Our relationship is weirdly mature and immature at the same time. I’m pretty sure she’s not a Tabitha, and honestly I’m not sure if it matters that much anymore. It’s almost refreshing how little she cares about Kakos Industries. She’s not trying to destress me for the benefit of the company. She’s just trying to have a good time. She’s also been streaming a lot of old video games. I guess we kept an archive of them here. She’s trying to get through the entire history of one character. I guess there’s like twenty games in the series. I’ll probably never have enough time to play those games ever, but it’s fun to watch her do it. 

They say that Evil once climbed the tallest peak in the world without any help or guides, just to let out an unearthly shriek that chilled bones for miles around. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for that thing your partner would really like to try that you’re just not into, That thing you would like to try that no one has been into yet, and this picture of Yolanda Walker that none of us can get out of our heads. Jeebus. I forgot that I wrote that here, and now I’m thinking about it again. I’m not sure I’m going to be okay. Anyway, if you disagree with us being responsible for any of these things, then there’s a secret message for you in that picture of Yolanda Walker. You might be thinking, there can’t be a message there, but you’re going to look anyway, and this time, it just might kill you. 

Chris Frost has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As A result, the life of Chris’s nemesis will be ruined. Today, that nemsis takes the form of “Libby”. You know, that Libby. We gave the Wheel of Misery a short tug and it landed on the space for Unsanitary. Ouch. From this day forward, Libby will always and forevermore be just a little bit unsanitary. We will be colonizing Libby’s general atmosphere with some mostly harmless microbes that don’t do much harm in small doses, but will contribute to a larger aura of uncleanliness that will now stick to Libby like my eyeballs to this picture of Yolanda Walker, damn. Sorry. For Evil measure, we will now make Chris Frost 13% more sanitary, and for a clean person, it’s going to get a little uncomfortable. Congratulations on the win and best of luck. 

Speaking of the Wheel of Misery, the Damnation and Ruination Squad seem to be wearing shredded paper on their bodies. Just like gluesticked there or something. I am told that this paper is likely some of our incriminating evidence, you know the memos we pass around detailing our illegal operations. Routine stuff, but it has to get shredded. And then ideally, burned. But they’re just wearing it out in public. I mean, it would be hard to piece anything together from these snippets, but it’s an issue all the same. We’re working on it. 

Looks like I just got an email from Kyle Duggan. Oh boy. Okay. He writes, “Corin, I have no idea what they’re down there for. I’ve been scratching my head for years on that one. Best I can figure, it was some sort of experiment into what a community of entirely men would be like underground. Just a bunch of dudes down there, and not the kind that can have babies. Not sure if that was on purpose or just random chance. They keep asking for sperm. They think that’s the missing ingredient for some reason. I send them fake stuff. There’s no point sending them any real stuff. There isn’t a person down there who can get pregnant and they don’t have the technology to change that. Their folks all died in an accident when they were little, and I don’t think your grandfather’s sex ed courses really did the trick. I mostly just try to let them work stuff out themselves. I’m not interested in messing with the experimental design. I don’t actually know who the designers of the experiment are, but the documentation says they’ll be checking in on them in three hundred years. They aren’t going to make it that long, unless the designers know something I don’t. Anyway, take care. I should probably just retire, so let me know when you can find someone to take over the pulley system.”

Hmm… What have they been doing with all that sperm? I mean, that was high quality stuff. And what, they were just… Where did they think… I’m, uh… I’m going to have to let this go aren’t I? Well, I’ve got an idea. Maybe we could send some people down there. People who can get pregnant. Now here’s an issue I’m imagining. These are dirty filthy miners and scientists living underground in a community of only men. They are likely unwashed, and callused, and hardened men. By my estimation, we haven’t seen a woman straight enough to love such men, even multiple men who likely have never seen a woman before, in several decades… Okay, I’ve got three volunteers from the Festival of Fertility mailing list and they are packing their things. This will definitely fuck with those experimenters designs. I mean, I could also let them come up, but who knows, maybe they’re doing some great science down there. I guess we’ll play it by ear. Worst case scenario, in like two-hundred and sixty years, we’ll just let a bunch of moles loose down there and dress them in miner garb. I won’t see it, but damn would that be hilarious. 

This brings us to the end of our broadcast. Cease your research. You will find nothing linking us to the good. You will only lose yourself in the process. The numbers are next. 

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

190

210

4

505

44

3

4

4

8

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a human human. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Fairy Squad Mother, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Dorkpool Dorkuss, who found the reference models, Damien Scott-Viker, who made the mold, Chax Richter, who sculpted the papier mache, Tia Reece, who attached the strips of paper, Luci Grimm, who filled the piñata, Kristina Kirkland, who drew first blood, and Calico, who knocked that fucker open. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, Danniel R Smith, head of the Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, Dino Schroeder, director of the Division of Saying It the Long Way, Seth and Josh heads of the Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, Hayden Neff, director of the Division of Improbable Cookbooks, Sass Master J, Director of The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Pepijn Poolman, Director of the Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, Wraith Fenix, Director of the Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks, Kay, director of The Division of Suspiciously Nearby Murders, Remi B director of the Division of Places to Hide from Work and The One True Dave, Director of the Division of Animal Stacking. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has started pumping out a variety of dragons for their knit zoo at an alarming rate.  The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has switched on the old Evil glow tube. No one knows what it does, but it glows and it is Evil. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases has picked out the people that do the most walking at Kakos Industries and has started to shave their bodies to reduce friction. The Division of Saying It the Long Way has been workshopping ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, welllllllllllllllllllll, I meannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn maybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews has reviewed the cotton candy machine. Airy, fluffy, just right. 3/6”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks has been working on Cooking with Paper. The final recipe involved literally cooking the book. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations has been making use of library five’s civics section. No one has been there in years.  The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering has developed The Burlapsque. It’s a form of dancing that is beautiful, sensuous, and clad in jutte.  The Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks has developed graftable tentacles that integrate with your nervous system. I think we all know where this one is going. The Division of Suspiciously Nearby Murders recently went to the supermarket. The assistant manager had been dead for 36 hours in the office when they found him. It’s mystery solvin’ time. The Division of Places to Hide from Work has found an office plant in each office with nearly zero visibility in its vicinity. It’s like slipping on an invisibility coat, but it’s actually hiding behind a plant. The Division of Animal Stacking stacked three polar bears. It only lasted for a minute, with the polar bears being as confused as everyone else. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos Industries can be dark. Maybe you deserve a nice cookie for putting up with the world how it is.