in which you get a strange sinking feeling, you learn how to get down underground, you become fascinated with succulents, and Sad Maiden “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

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Intro: What you are about to hear contains a very old very dirty word. Listen closely or you’ll miss it.

(Synth intro chime)

(Sciencey Space Educational Video music)

Corin Deeth I: Hello, there. This is Corin Deeth and I am so happy to be bringing you this message today. You see, today is an exciting day for all of us here at Kakos Industries. Today we are beginning Operation Morlock, and all of you are the stars of the show. As we speak you are on the elevator down to our underground civilization we’ve named Morlorca. It’s a long way down, so we’ve got a minute to talk. Take a glass of champagne from your project manager. There might be some other party favors if I didn’t get to them. (laugh). This is a time to celebrate!

Now, most of you are already acquainted with the project and what your part in it is going to be, but some of you may have been grabbed from the factory floor of some division or another earlier today without any idea what’s happening. Let’s start at the beginning.

Morlorca was originally designated Cavern 66-69C, and lies somewhere deep beneath Kakos Industries. It was discovered by our Division of Underground Exploration around five years ago. Since then, we’ve scienced the hell out of it and discovered that it has a number of unique properties that make it particularly useful. First of all, it is at an extremely stable part of the Earth’s crust. The seismic activity is so low that the cavern has likely existed for hundreds of thousands of years without changing even a little bit. It would make an ideal place for storing nuclear waste, but we haven’t done that. You don’t need to worry about nuclear waste, at least not yet. There’s also the potential for great quantities of thermal energy, as well as chemosynthesis. The surrounding rock layers are full of all kinds of incredibly important minerals and elements, making this cavern a one-stop shop for all kinds of mining. There’s also an underground river with surprisingly clean water. It barely has to be filtered at all to be drinkable, and even then the only risks of not filtering it are the occasional kidney stone. We’ve called it the Dark River, which is perhaps a bit on the nose, but it gets the point across. I’ll just go ahead and mention now that there is no swimming in this river. At least not for a while. One explorer went in and has not yet returned. If he does return, then he’ll have to become a member of your society, but I’ll get to that later.

We’ve explored a good bit of the cavern, and it is quite large. There are also loads of tunnels and openings to explore. I would recommend creating some sort of boogeyman to keep the children from running off without supervision and getting lost in the pitch black tunnel systems. Although exploration will be critical for your survival, it should be performed by adults. Unless the spaces are too small for adults to fit through, in which case the exploration should at least be supervised by adults. We know that you’ll have plenty of space down there for anything and everything you can hope to achieve underground. The cavern itself is around a hundred miles in diameter. The river will require a bridge to cross. That hasn’t been built yet, but there are engineers among your ranks. You’ll get started soon enough. 

Now there is the matter of the nature of this excursion. You are about to take on an amazing journey of growth, exploration and development. But you will not be returning to the surface. Once you reach the bottom of this elevator shaft, you will be home for the remainder of your days. There are a number of important reasons for this. For example, if something terrible happens on the surface that wipes out all of human life, like, I don’t know, some nuclear bombs going off, then you will survive to keep humanity going. For that reason, we’ve included some of the best and brightest amongst your ranks. We’ve also included some just terrible people to see how you handle them. There’s some real sitcom potential. You are also being sent underground for some important scientific reasons. There are some experiments that can only be run deep under the Earth’s surface. Namely, how long a person can survive down there without losing their minds. And what kind of interesting cultures will develop in this underground realm. 

When you arrive, the beginnings of a city will be in place. We have homes for each family, and dormitories  for the singles. There are a number of general purpose factories and machine shops. There are raw supplies. We have also set up a number of grow houses, in addition to supplying you with a good amount of rations to get started. There is also a small reactor built deep into one of the cavern walls to provide early power supplies, and to keep producing power should you find uranium. There is no nuclear waste yet, but you will produce some. As you can understand, being away from the sun’s light makes energy production difficult, and polluting the limited air supply is less than advisable. 

Many of you will be miners. Some of you are already engineers. Others will tend to the growhouses. If you are unaware of your job expectations now, then you will be given your assignments when you move into your living quarters.  

We’ve prepared a number of other instructional materials to aid in a smooth transition to your new subterranean lifestyle. Your project managers should play the materials when the time is right. With a little hard work, some perseverance, and some old fashioned grit, in no time you’ll be living the dream. Underground.

We’ll be rooting for you, and watching you, from the surface. Congratulations everyone!

(chime outro)

Corin Deeth III: So I found a series of these tapes in my grandfather’s collections. It’s interesting, you know? It’s like a time capsule. I’m really not familiar at all with this experiment, but I’ve got Soundman looking into it a bit. 

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO here. That doesn’t mean much these days as everything has slowed. Oh well. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a lovely succulent. It’s scientific name is Crassula Morbidia, and it has the unique property of making sound when the appropriate wavelengths of light are shone upon it. We gave you a specific grow light to accommodate this. You might be thinking, isn’t the grow light actually the radio, and we would say, shut the hell up. It’s a plant that plays back sound. Have some joy in your life you unhelpful pedant. This plant is coming to us from a collaboration between our Division of Succ (with two c’s) and Loud Life Limited, a long term client of ours. They genetically engineered this plant to behave in this interesting way, which is the product of many years of hard work, but it was perhaps a bit misguided. While really, really cool, we’re just not sure where the market is. For example, this plant can only produce sound in three channels, but you only have two ears. That’s a wasted channel. I know that we are all very disappointed, but we shall survive. This broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders, and anyone who is not a shareholder will find that they have a rare, life-threatening allergy to this particular succulent, and it is going to become very difficult to breathe shortly. If you wish to save your life, there is an injection available in the pot for this plant that will keep you alive, but it only becomes activated when something valuable is destroyed. Choose wisely. 

The Celebration of Self Love was a smashing success. You all went so deep. So deep. We didn’t know you could go any deeper, and then you went deeper. It would seem that all that time alone has made each of you that much stranger, and that much more desperate. Well done. 

The Evil Con live streams are live now. Please tune in. There is definitely a lot of waiting involved, but we will not be announcing the time slots for actual presentations, so you just have to stay tuned to not miss anything. 

We will be having the CEO Festival of the Dance, but it will take place in each and every one of our homes separately. You will need to use Thwicc Thwocc, the Evil video sharing app popularized by the Church of Crumbs, and you will be limited to thirty seconds to perform, make us laugh, make us cry, and make us do anything else you might wish. We expect this to be a fun project for all of you at home with nothing to do. 

I’ve got another tape to play. This one is pretty interesting. 

CDI: Hey, there, Morlorcans. It’s Corin Deeth. Today we’ve got something really important to talk about. You’ve been underground with your cohort for a few years now, and no doubt some sparks have flown already. Some you need a little kickstart, I’m sure, and others of you need to figure out how to mend some messy situations, and that’s what I’m here for.

Romance is just about the most important thing there is, and sex, which usually comes from a little bit of romance at the least, is Evil. It’s ours, as you know. We won it at an auction or something. I’ll fact check that later. Anyway, let’s talk about getting down underground.

So you’ve spotted someone special in your group underground and you want to make a move on their pale, sun-deprived business. Here’s some tips. First, don’t make them feel insecure about their paleness, even if you can see all kinds of veins through their skin. Some people like that. Second, keep in mind that it’s a small community, and you’re probably going to make the rounds. Just because they made the rounds sooner doesn’t mean they aren’t choosing you as best, even if you also happen to be last. And third, shoot your shot. Tell ‘em what you want to do and how you want to do it. People like communication. And finally, when you’re done with the deed, be sure to have a nice glass of whiskey. If you haven’t started distilling grain yet, consider drinking some muddy water. Something to symbolize the accomplishment. Give yourself a pat on the back. Give your partner a pat on the back. Then maybe go at it again if you’re feeling it.

Also remember that for the survival of the species underground, those capable of child birth might need to have children with different genetic parents. It’s just the way that things have to go. And while I wouldn’t want to give someone a hard time for being successful, remember that all the children in a generation can’t have the same father. That causes some serious problems down the road. 

Also, we expect that everyone capable of child birth will need to have an average of four children to keep things going, so keep that in mind. 

Corin Deeth III: Interesting. I’ve been in some situations where the pool of available partners was low, but it wasn’t so permanent. Well, I guess we’ve yet to see, actually. I’ve still been spending time with Kimmie, so that’s cool. She’s really good at bar games. Like skee ball and pool and darts. Really good. It’s a little intimidating. We’re supposed to go bowling, and I’m a little afraid. 

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment wanted me to tell you that Mecha-Falcon VI vs. Man Ass has been rescheduled until tomorrow night. I’ll be tuning in for sure. 

I found the telepresence robots that Jasmine Aashna and Dr. Dunkelwissen have been using in The Division of Erotic Experiences just kind of looking at each other. Two tablets on wheels just kind of looking at each other. The funny thing is, I felt some heat off of that. I’m assuming this is research into the Interrobang, and not what is most sex. They still have rooms full of test subjects that are supposed to be finding that out, but it doesn’t look like it has happened yet. They just switch partners every two weeks or so, and get back to it. The keepers come by every few days to dump some bread pocket meals on the subjects. They have mini fridges and microwaves, but it’s always just pizza in a pocket, or thanksgiving in a pocket. I have some concerns about how sexy this situation can actually make someone feel. 

The explorers in the caves near Lake Wyverwil have found a room with gold and gemstones encrusting the walls. The room is empty, though. I’m not convinced this is what was supposed to be hidden there as the room is actually closer to a cave at lake Bygerbil that doesn’t have a gate at all. We’re doing the usual archeology stuff. It’s nice they found something, but probably just not what they were supposed to. 

Anyway, here’s another tape. I trust you’ll find it enlightening. 

CDI: Hey, there, Morlorcans. You’re growing up so fast. I remember when your parents were just heading down into the cavern and now here you are. Unless you’re a later generation, in which case I watched your parents get born down there, and now here you are. We’ve got some important topics to cover. You’re probably noticing some changes in your body as you grow up. Some things are developing, You’re noticing new body hair. You’re starting to feel some things for your fellow residents and you’re not sure how to express those feelings. Well, best of luck. 

CDIII: Yeah. Not a real in-depth thing there. Here’s another. 

CDI: Hey, miners and explorers. You are doing some amazing work out there, and all of us on the surface are super proud of you. If I could shake all of your hands, I would. There is something important to talk about today, and that is finding anything that might be difficult to explain. We don’t know what. We’re certainly not expecting you to find anything specific. But there is the chance you’ll find something that will be difficult to explain to your fellow Morlorcans. Like fossil evidence of lizard people. Or a human skull when everyone is accounted for. The first thing to do is to assess the level of danger. If it’s not dangerous, then maybe consider covering it up until it becomes important. There’s no reason to rock the boat, you know. If you’re really not sure, tell your project manager. They have been trained to handle difficult situations. Of course, if what you find is a threat, kill it. Who cares if it’s the last one of whatever. Kill the bastard. You’ll thank me later.

CDIII: The rules are different when you live underground, I suppose. Society is far more fragile.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Yolanda Walker in the Division of Screenprinting getting those sexy genes. I think I’m starting to get it, you know? We were all expecting enormous breasts and the smoothest skin and pouty lips and rock hard abs and thighs that can crush a watermelon, but maybe we were wrong. Like, she is appealing. She’s approachable, friendly, energetic. She has a way of making people feel like she’s listening. She has a delightful laugh. Maybe we just assumed the sexy genes would be physical traits, and that’s where we went wrong. But she was supposed to have gotten all of the sexy genes, and I know for a fact that some of them are physical stuff. Maybe she’s got some crazy abs under her sweater. I’ve been advised to let this go. And I probably should. Maybe the truth will come about naturally, without me having to investigate any further. 

Junior has been a bit busy making new war shawls for the little ones. And battle onesies. And fighting socks. And melee caps. All out of yarn, of course. It’s adorable. 

Here’s another tape.

CDI: So, sometimes you’re going to get stressed out living underground. It’s not the natural habitat of humanity, and it’s actually one of our more important experiments determining how long you can last down there in isolation. Anyway, I thought I’d help out by giving you a couple minutes to breathe and chill out. Just like this. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. You’re probably feeling better already. Oh, I just remembered something. You might want to start making the weapons of war in case ancient civilizations of lizard people attack. Just a thought I had. We believe in you!

CDIII: That doesn’t seem all that helpful. Here’s another.

(chime intro, bright spacey optimistic science music)

CDI: You might be wondering to yourselves, why am I here? Why am I underground? What’s the point of all of this? The short answer is that many of you volunteered for this. Maybe you needed to get away from something. Maybe you were running away. Maybe you were running out of options. Others were sent down to Morlorca because of qualities and traits that told us you were ideal candidates for the project, whether that’s exquisite vision in the dark, extraordinarily stable mental health, or just some qualities that weren’t serving your, or your coworkers, up top. But that only half way answers the question.

You’ve been stationed in Morlorca for a number of important reasons. As you might remember from your orientation, there is a lot of science to be done in this unique geological formation. It offers us so many opportunities that we just don’t have elsewhere. We can’t do on the surface what you’re doing way down there.

I think perhaps we should talk for a minute about science. I know some of you are from the old guard, and others just maybe haven’t had as much experience with science as others. Science, simply put, is how we come to know things about this world. In the old days, one could get by on a lot of conjecture and assumption. Now, we require evidence, and not just evidence, but evidence of the highest quality. If we get that kind of evidence, and others can replicate our findings, then we get really high confidence that our observation is right, given the parameters of the experiment. Sometimes we get proven wrong, but a lot of the time our understanding of the world become strengthened by what we find. You’ll be doing science, or assisting with science in your new position, and your discoveries will help to advance all of humanity. There is nothing more noble than that. All of us on the surface thank you for this undertaking, and we are looking forward to your excellence. 

(outro chime)

CDIII: It does appear that there have been a lot of discoveries from this project. Geology, seismology, physics, sociology, the works.

They say that Evil once strangled a man with a guitar string and invented noise music. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for Corgis, Sheepdogs, and how easily herded the masses are. Naturally, we can’t know for certain that we did all of these things, but, like, we did, okay? And if you disagree, then that succulent has plenty of histamine left for you.

Sad Maiden (first name last name) has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Sad’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is JV. Look, we know what JV stands for, but we’re just not going to tell you, okay? It’s not that important. Anway, we gave the wheel of misery a rough spin and it landed on the space for Nonconformist. Ordinarily, we celebrate those people that refuse to conform and show the world what it really is. But there are times when conformity is really for the best. Like eating with your mouth. Or walking upright. It’s just healthier that way. From this day forward, JV will be 133% more nonconformist. We’re curious to see what happens, although we are certain it will ruin JV’s life. For Evil measure, Sad Maiden will be 13% more conformist, which might just be okay. We’re not making any promises, though. Congratulations on the win and best of luck!

Speaking of the Damnation and Ruination Squad, they’ve been wearing broken tupperware plate armor, recently. It looks like it’s put together with fishing line, maybe leftover from their last costume. It’s really strange, but definitely intimidating. The jagged pieces are giving them small cuts. I don’t think they mind it, though. 

This brings us to the end of today’s announcements. What’s that, Soundman? They’re still down there? It’s been almost fifty years. Are they okay? They’re mole people? It hasn’t even been a whole generation. How can they be mole people? Oh, well. I just can’t believe they’re still down there. Wild. Take care of your succulent. It’s kind of cool, you know. The numbers are next.

18

8

19

9

20

2

21

3

22

4

49

8

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a nimble laser mage.  Flute performance by Elizabeth Kennedy Bayer. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist.  Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Fairy Squad Mother, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Dorkpool Dorkuss, who prepared the gunpowder, Damien Scott-Viker, who cut the fuse, Chax Richter, who cleaned the barrel, Tia Reece, who prepared the volunteers, Luci Grimm, who loaded the cannon, and Calico, who fired the test human cannon into the friendly lake. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, Danniel R Smith, head of the Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, Dino Schroeder, director of the Division of Saying It the Long Way, Seth and Josh heads of the Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, Hayden Neff, director of the Division of Improbable Cookbooks, Kristina Kirkland, Director of the Division of Lukewarm Pep Talks, Sass Master J, Director of The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Pepijn Poolman, Director of the Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, Wraith Fenix, Director of the Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks, Kay, director of The Division of Suspiciously Nearby Murders, Remi B director of the Division of Places to Hide from Work and David T, Director of the Division of Animal Stacking. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has created a number of fabulous dinosaurs to display in their zoo. They are cute and somehow terrifying.  The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has fixed up the Eviltimeter. It’s really great at measuring the potential Evil between two points. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases has removed many ingredients from the cafeteria menus that cause gaseous eruptions in people. Stopping to burp takes at least a second. The Division of Saying It the Long Way has invented “You know, I spent some time thinking about it and I also talked with some of my friends and loved ones, and I did some journaling to really get a finger on the pulse of my feelings, and I have to say no, I don’t want to go out with you.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews has reviewed the Barbecue Pit. “All of the meats we wanted, none of the meats we had secretly hoped for. 7/9”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks has finished up the manuscript for Everything Mashed. You’re going to love the mashed steak. The Division of Lukewarm Pep Talks has started saying “Fuck yeah!” at random around the building, hoping it might encourage someone within earshot.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations has found some space under the board room meeting table in the Division of Largeness. There’s a space down there no one can reach.  The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering has developed The Avant-Cado, a movement in the high art tradition made entirely with avocados. The work doesn’t last long.  The Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks has developed headgear that allows the wearer to control two robots with thought. Obviously, you can control them to go to town on you. The Division of Suspiciously Nearby Murders recently took a vacation to an Italian beach. The local police chief was found face down in the water. Again. The Division of Places to Hide from Work has found a wonderful hedge maze on the maze lawn. Not only can they not find you, but you won’t be getting back to work any time soon. The Division of Animal Stacking stacked thirteen chickens and a baby rabbit. We’re not sure on the symbolism, but the tower lasted a remarkable amount of time. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos Industries can be dark. Maybe it’s time to pick up cross stitch to take up the lonely hours.