in which things are catching fire, we hear from Corin Deeth I, Junior helps Corin with a side project, the Interrobang is a thing, and Abagail Dark “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.

Transcription:

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Intro: What you are about to hear is just fucking childish.

(tape hiss)

Corin Deeth I: Well, sport, it seems like you might be losing it. That’s why you found this tape today. Let me just say that it’s totally fine, you know. I lost it more times than I found it, if you know what I mean. And I found it a lot. At any rate, it’s okay. You’re going to be fine. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll all blow over. Here’s what you’re going to do. Take a big deep breath. 

(inhale)

That’s great. Now, you’re going to blow it all out. 

(Exhale) 

Then, when you’ve got your lungs emptied, hold it. Don’t breathe in again for a few seconds. See if you can hold it for a while. If it starts to hurt, go ahead and breathe. No sense making yourself uncomfortable. You know, my lungs haven’t been great in a long time. Just keep breathing like that for a minute and I’m going to talk to you.

When I first took over this job from… Old whoever. Name’s slipping me. Face, too, I guess. When I took over, I used to get really stressed out. Like, here was this huge thing. And I was at the helm of it. If things went badly, they’d be after my head. If things went well, they’d probably still be after my head. Evil people aren’t the most respectful of power. Things would happen all the time that I couldn’t control. Things I couldn’t prepare myself or others for. Things that seemed to come out of nowhere. Things other people in other places should have taken care of, but the problems found themselves on my lap. And I would worry. It would beat me up like crazy when I made a mistake. When I made the wrong call. I’d need three whiskeys before I’d start to feel any better. Maybe one more before bed. And I’d sleep like crap. But the next day, it was rarely so bad. 

Even after a lot of years of doing this stuff, I would still have things come out of nowhere. Even when I thought I was done learning. Even when I thought I’d done it all and seen it all, there was something more. Something new. It would surprise me, knock me on my ass, and make a mess of my whole life. Of course, I got better at coping. Found some new coping mechanisms, I know you know. 

A lot of times it really felt like the world was crashing in around me. But here’s the funny thing about the world. It keeps turning. I mean, as long as our arsenal stays in the silos, it’ll keep turning. The Earth doesn’t care much for what we do. It’ll be fine. Life, and people more specifically, maybe not, but the Earth keeps turning. You get up the next day, and you do the best Evil you can. 

Of course, I can’t know for sure where you find yourself these days. It could be something wild. It could be the darkest timeline. Maybe you’re doing such an outstanding job that you’ve knocked our whole timeline into another dimension that’s so much worse. And maybe it’s really just that dark out. 

But the breathing trick, it works. Whether you want it to or not. It works. And as long as you’re breathing, you might as well breathe. Everything is easier when you feel better. 

(tape ends)

Corin Deeth III: Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help basically anyone anywhere to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III. Shareholders, I found that tape of my grandfather in a laboratory approximately sixteen stories underground. It looked long abandoned, but I can never be certain. I think it was left there because it would be obvious the only reason I was that far underground looking for problems was if I was getting a little out of control. And perhaps I was. I found a couple of labs in the process of completely destroying themselves, and I started to get on my own case for not finding them sooner and doing something about them. In that mindset, I started mindlessly walking down the halls looking for any active problems that I could find. There were even a couple of places that I thought I had dealt with properly that were on fire, or turning into ice, or any manner of other strange chemical reactions. Some of them I have to send Grace to work on because they involve potentially hazardous materials, and I have recently lost faith in Kakos Industries to cure whatever ends up wrong with me. That was a harsh realization. We can do a lot, but we can’t always do everything. Like getting one of the vending machines to make an acceptable cup of tea. There I go losing it again. The tea is fine. It’s drinkable. Palatable. Anyway, while I’m doing these announcements, and while my brain trust has decided it would be better if I took a break from putting out fires, the fire-putting-out has fallen to Junior to take care of. Speaking of, let me see if I can get him on the phone…

(ringing)

Oh, it looks like he’s calling me. Hello?

Junior: Corin, why have you sent me to this place?

Corin: The readings said that the place was getting hot. I thought there might be a fire. 

Junior: This is lab 2299-3. Do you know what they do in lab 2299-3?

Corin: I do not. I can check the directory, but it might take me a few hours. You know how the directory is. It’s not even complete.

Junior: They make dolls here, Corin. 

Corin: What kind of dolls? Like toys for children?

Junior: No, Corin. The kind for lonely adults. 

Corin: Oh.

Junior: So, from my perspective, you told me it was getting hot in lab 2299-3 and you sent me to check it out. When I arrive, I find that the lab is making these dolls. Corin, I believe that this may be a practical joke, or some form of character assassination. Am I understanding this correctly?

Corin: No. Junior, the readings here say it’s getting hot over there. Like temperature. Not sexually. 

Junior: I do not play with dolls. Not even life size ones with enormous mammalian protuberances. 

Corin: Okay. Like I said, something over there is getting hot. I don’t know what to tell you. 

Junior: Very well. I don’t see anything. 

Corin: Do you have the infrared glasses?

Junior: They do not fit my head. 

Corin: Can you press them to your eyes for a moment?

Junior: Fine. Oh. Oh dear. It does appear that something is getting quite hot in here. 

Corin: What is it?

Junior: One of the dolls, Corin. It’s giving me intense heat readings. 

Corin: What’s happening to it?

Junior: It… It has a built in heater, Corin. 

Corin: I doubt that’s enough to register on my sensors.

Junior: It appears to be nuclear powered. 

Corin: Why the fuck would they do that.

Junior: I’ll take it down to the particle accelerator. 

Corin: If it’s radioactive, you’ve got to get out of there.

Junior: My skin and my genetics are too tough for a little radiation. I can survive in the vacuum of space. Found that out on a field trip with father. 

Corin: Where did you go?

Junior: Space. 

Corin: Please be careful. We have a team that can take care of that. 

Junior: Very well. I shall call them. 

Corin: I just don’t want you getting hurt. 

Junior: The thought is appreciated. I’ll be on to the next lab now. Junior out.

Corin: You can just hang up. You’re using your cell phone. 

(click)

Why the fuck would would you make a nuclear powered sex doll. I’d start asking to approve every experiment myself, but then I’d never do anything else and our output would drop by 70%. Somebody approved that, though. I assume.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a rooster shaped alarm clock. It crows in the morning, and then begins playing the radio. This all-too-predictable device comes to us as a collaboration between our Division of Birds and Oswald’s Clockworks. I believe the product pitch was two words long: Cock Clock. Or was it Clock Cock? Either way. Unsurprisingly, this device before you is called in all official branding the Cock Clock. The subtitle: Have a little cock to wake you up in the morning. I know that I’ve been talking an awful lot for not saying this sooner, but this broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders. Everyone else was melted five minutes ago. Unless they were Evil, and then welcome aboard. If you’re sitting there wondering to yourself what’s happening, then congratulations. You are 100% weapons grade Evil, and you’re home now.

Remember last time when there were monsters on the loose? We are now at 98% control. That’s a great number from where I’m sitting.

The Festival of Innovation was definitely not as exciting as it is normally. The development teams were spaced a safe distance from one another and allowed to present slide shows on why their robot would have kicked the asses of all the other robots. As you might have predicted, there was a lot of shouting and screaming during the presentations because “Grave Robber wouldn’t go down like that. Grave Robber would have kicked the shit out of DracoLords wimpy-ass tentacles,” and things of that nature. At one point, we thought the situation was about to come to blows much like the giant robot fighting would have, but instead, all of the engineers that were present just started fucking. Like, angry fucking. They’re mostly a bunch of middle-aged men, by the way. And they were going to town. I had to turn away. The aggression really ruined it for me. 

The Festival of Quiet Evils happened. Everywhere. It has been awfully quiet recently, has it not?

We’re thinking that the Celebration of Self Love might work out. It’s coming up, and everyone’s at home, many of them alone with their junk. Yeah. This one seems like a winner even now. Go deep, shareholders. We’ll be sending you the pamphlet with suggestions soon.

Evil Con has been moved online. We’re excited to see all of the demonstrations, but I’m not sure how we’re going to make everyone wait for things. I really like the waiting. 

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment is quickly becoming one of my favorite Divisions. I turned on their stream last night, and there was just a giant crab fighting a giant squid. But they were both women in costumes. That’s just great. This is exactly what I need these days apparently.

The Division of Erotic Experiences hasn’t made any progress on the thing that is Most Sex, but they did discover something interesting. They’re calling it the Interrobang. I know that most of you are probably used to this concept in terms of the combination of punctuation marks, or the single punctuation mark possessing the qualities of both the exclamation point and the question mark. It’s really useful for when you’re asking a question real loud. But what they’ve developed in the Division of Erotic Experiences is slightly different. It’s the combination of a question and banging. The sort of banging that makes you ask, are we banging? The sort of banging that makes you question the nature of banging. Are we fucking? Is this actually sex? I absolutely love this. Many of us have been in that position where you’re doing something with a partner, but you’re not sure it counts. You could escalate things, but you don’t necessarily want to. And those questions are great. It’s great to have people thinking about sex. I will admit, though, that this is in many ways the exact opposite of what The Division of Erotic Experiences was supposed to be doing. This is the other side of things. What is least sex while still being sex, or what falls just below that line. I should also point out that this is different from the Interrobang interrogation technique where the suspect is offered sex in exchange for information. It’s somehow less effective than torture at getting reliable information. 

You know, I’m still thinking about that tape from my grandfather. He said something about not remembering his predecessor. That’s not all that uncommon. It does make me think though. We have portraits of people that were probably incredibly important to Kakos Industries, but at a certain point, their name plates are removed and it becomes really hard to find out who they were. I wonder if that will happen to me as well some day. Then again, there aren’t any portraits of me yet. At least not officially in the building. There are some unofficial ones. They give me mixed feelings. Like, I’m not that buff, Delia. Are you trying to tell me something? It’s like you wanna fuck me, but not me, someone who looks like me, but buffer. It’s weird. 

The first group of explorers have gone into the cave at Lake Wyverwil. So far, they have found an expansive cave system with no obvious treasure. I told them to let it go after the first couple of caverns didn’t have anything important, but these cavers are nuts. They just keep going deeper. Like, they’re diving into murky pools looking for cave openings on the other side. Whatever they were supposed to find behind that locked door, it isn’t there. 

We have a lead in regards to who got the hot genes. Based on a hair we sucked up into our DNA analyzer gun, Yolanda Walker in the Division of Screenprinting, not Yolanda Walkins in the Division of Spooky lights, may be the one. The only thing is, we don’t get it. Like, she’s cool. Really cool. Great personality. Conventionally attractive for sure, but we were all expecting more. We’re not sure more of what, but more. We’re looking into this more closely. 

I spent some more time with Kimmie. That’s what I’m going to call her now. She hates the way I pronounce Kimzzzzzzzzzz. To get away from the more iconic couple name with her ex, I suggested calling her Kim or even Berley. Like Kimberley. Turns out she’s a Kimball. So Kimmie. How did I not know that? I looked to make sure she had a file in our system, but I opted not to read it. She’s allowed to have secrets. I just didn’t want to get murdered. Have I mentioned that I’ve been having some trouble with my head just recently? Brosephus has been trying to get me to play video games with him, but I don’t think that’s the solution. Especially not with all of the laboratories catching on fire. I was on my way to inspect one of the more suspicious labs in the building when Kimmie hit me with a water balloon. She started to say that I was soaking wet and she would have to get me out of these clothes, etc., etc. I was not in the correct mindset to say the least. I told her I had something really important to take care of. I don’t think I realized until later how much that bothered her. Another time, she shot me with a dart. I turned around to realize that a section of the hallways between her and myself had been certified a no clothes zone by the Division of Nudism here at Kakos Industries. It’s really an unmistakable sign. I’ll let you imagine what it looks like if you haven’t seen it. To get to her, I would have had to, by Kakos Law, take all of my clothes off. I let it go. She screamed with with equal parts playfulness and frustration, “Fucking come on!” I didn’t have time. Something was putting off way too much heat down the next hallway. Another time, she was just not wearing much in my office sitting on my desk. “I’m trying to make this as easy as I can,” she said in a really frustrated tone. I sat down on the couch against the wall. “Is your middle name Tabitha?” I asked. She shrugged. Kimmie Shrug Quinn. I said, “You can tell me if it’s Tabitha or not.” She said it wasn’t. I said, “You have to tell me if you’re a Tabitha. That’s the law.” She sat beside me on the couch. “You’re losing it,” she said plainly. “I know,” I replied. “The building isn’t going to burn down,” she told me. “I know,” I said. “I’m not a Tabitha.” I nodded. Then she said, “I don’t want to be too mean or too kind when I explain this, but you’re basically the only viable romantic partner in the building right now.”. I think she could tell that I wasn’t enjoying that assessment. “Viable means that I would enjoy being with you.” I was still skeptical. “I’m pickier than you probably think.” I don’t want to give you the wrong impression shareholders. She’s attractive and smart and charming when she wants to be. Apparently she didn’t want to be this time. I did want her. I just had it in my head that a million things could go wrong. And go wrong in terrible ways. I think I was trying to sabotage myself. I apologized for messing things up with Gray. She said, “They didn’t want me. I can’t change that. I guess I know what it’s like to be the recipient of your attention in that way, so I kept an eye on them to make sure they were okay. And anyway, I hear that they’re from an affluent family and the Damnation and Ruination Squad was just kind of their crust punk phase or something.” I nodded. It’s happened before. Luxury vehicles pulling up to the building. Well dressed people running into the building to drag out a member of the Damnation and Ruination Squad and send them back to their poison ivy league schools for another semester of justice studies. We’re not sure they always take the right person as they are usually difficult to distinguish, but apparently it all works out. “Look, I’m not asking for much,” she said looking into my eyes. “I’m not looking for a one night stand, and I’m not looking for a whole lot of commitment. I just want to acknowledge that we’re in a messed up situation together, and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to spend some of it together. We don’t have to tell anyone about it.” So, I won’t. 

(Ringing)

Corin: Hello?

Junior: There is no fire in lab 7303.

Corin: The readings show that it’s warm.

Junior: How warm?

Corin: Around 90 degrees.

Junior: Fahrenheit?

Corin: Yeah.

Junior: The fool’s degrees. The lab overlooks the xeriscape lawn and the air conditioning has been dialed down.

Corin: That makes sense.

Junior: The fire systems would let you know if there was an issue.

Corin: I know. It’s just, sometimes you get stuck on weird stuff.

Junior: Yes. It happens. 

Corin: Thanks for looking. 

Junior: I needed the exercise. Now, if that is all, I have to look in on the little ones.

Corin: The scarves were cute.

Junior: They are war shrouds. And thank you. I will talk to you later. TTFN.

Corin: Right. Bye.

(Click)

They say that Evil once got all of the cheerleaders pregnant, but like, with monstrous demon babies. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for when your food gets all messed up during the delivery process, when your package comes with the wrong thing in it, and needing the outside world to affirm our humanity. Obviously, we can’t have concrete proof that all of these things are on us. Except for the delivery thing. But we can say that if you disagree, then even the outside world won’t be able to affirm your humanity. 

Abagail Dark has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Abagail’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is…  one suspicious dog. Do we know which dog? We do? Soundman, you are so on top of things sometimes. Anyway, we know the suspicious dog. We are apparently protecting the identity of the dog. Or perhaps one suspicious dog is the name. First name One. Middle name Suspicious. Last name Dog, as is tradition. We may never know. We spun the wheel, and it arrived on the space for Unfathomable. This is an interesting one. Being unfathomable does not sound like the worst thing in the world, but knowing truly, in your heart of hearts, that no one will ever actually know the extent of your depths, is scary. And from this day onward, One Suspicious Dog will be unfathomable. For Evil measure, Abagail Dark will be slightly more fathomable. There’s a sex joke in there somewhere. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad were wearing fishing line wigs recently. Like wigs made from high strength fishing line. They had some wild colors, but I don’t really see the appeal. They were also wearing fishing vests and nothing else. 

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. You must destroy your Cock Clock. I’m sorry. You have to crush it. There can be no evidence an hour after this broadcast is over. It must be destroyed and it must be gone. I hope that all of you are taking care out there. I hope that you are staying safe. For Evil, of course.

The numbers are next.

4

4

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a dancing fist user.  Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist.  Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Dorkpool Dorkuss, who toasted the buns, Chax Richter, who kept the condiments chilled, Tia Reece, who grilled the veggie burgers, Luci Grimm, who grilled the meat burgers, and Calico, who took the orders at the “we’re sorry about the food fight” barbecue. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, Danniel R Smith, head of the Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, Dino Schroeder, director of the Division of Saying It the Long Way, Seth and Josh heads of the Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, Hayden Neff, director of the Division of Improbable Cookbooks, Kristina Kirkland, Director of the Division of Lukewarm Pep Talks, Sass Master J, Director of The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Pepijn Poolman, Director of the Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, Wraith Fenix, Director of the Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks, Kay, director of The Division of Suspiciously Nearby Murders, Remi B director of the Division of Places to Hide from Work and David T, Director of the Division of Animal Stacking. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has continued knitting the small zoo.Except now they’ve branched into animals that either don’t exist, or haven’t existed for a long time. The Unicorn Exhibit is breathtaking.  The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has fixed the footswitch on the Ultimate Distortion Pedal. It is so heavy, it burdens your soul forever. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases has limited the lunch breaks in some divisions to 55 minutes, saving Kakos Industries hours daily. The Division of Saying It the Long Way has invented “That’s gonna be a no no no no no from me, dawg.” It just means no. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews has reviewed the Porridge Cauldron. “Exactly as bland as hoped. 7/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks has finished up the manuscript for Will It Gelatin. The answer, most things will gelatin. The Division of Lukewarm Pep Talks has started saying “you’re killing it!” to people that they don’t know.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations has found the old railroad tracks under the building. The trouble is that a train does stop once a year without announcing itself, so be careful.  The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering has developed Body Armoire, a surgery that is in no way like armor, but instead pushes your organs to the side to make room for shelves and storage.  The Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks has theorized a way of easing difficulties with polyamory by making all of your lovers join a hive mind with you. The Division of Suspiciously Nearby Murders recently took a vacation to a small English Village, only to be embroiled in an investigation into the reverend’s wife’s passing. Again. The Division of Places to Hide from Work has found the most secluded bathroom stall in the building. It is secluded enough to allow for a great cry. The Division of Animal Stacking stacked twenty five concerned guinea pigs without a single one falling over. They did tremble a lot, though. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos Industries can be dark. Try listening to music a little louder to drown out the thoughts.