in which we hear about some developments from some lesser known Kakos Industries Divisions, Corin goes on the offensive, Junior learns a craft, and Svetlana Kartoshka “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

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Intro: What you are about to hear may contain important instructions for upgrading your home base.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help everyone to Do Evil Better. I’ve just recently learned that “everyone” now includes orcas. I’m personally surprised they were able to do such great Evil all on their own for so long. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries.

Shareholders, do you ever just want to run screaming from your home? Just go outside and scream and try to touch everyone just to remember that you exist? Just go places and do things out of the place you’re stuck in? If you said yes, then you’re dangerous, and we’re on our way to pick you up right now. We can’t have any of that. No matter how much it might soothe our souls. I’ve been cooped up in the Kakos Industries building here for months now. I don’t get to go home because the transit would be dangerous, and I need to stay here where I can do work, and more importantly, do Evil. Even if I don’t have that much to do. Even if it seems like things are just getting done without the need for a whole lot of guidance. I have to stay here, where I can be protected. You might be thinking to yourselves, doesn’t Kakos Industries have the resources and the metric fucktons of science to get out of whatever crisis it finds itself in? Shouldn’t Kakos Industries of all places be able to wrap up a crisis in a good, old-fashioned half hour prime time slot? Perhaps. Perhaps we are less vulnerable on average, and perhaps we could find our ways to save ourselves. But that leaves the world behind, and where would we be without all of you? It has been suggested that in great times of strife, Kakos Industries should step in to fix things to make sure that there are people left to do Evil upon. But, that’s really not what we do.I can’t even imagine the mental health bills we would be getting for employees who just don’t know what anything means anymore. Our entire infrastructure is based around not fixing things. It would ruin us to do something like that. And that is especially not something we can let happen.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a Big Band Blaster, a 1950s style radio that plays ominous big band hits in a faint and distorted fashion. It sounds spooky, like an apocalypse is right around the corner. It may raise the hair on your arms when you hear it tune itself to a station that you’re pretty sure doesn’t really exist. And even the familiar tunes are garbled to the extent that they sound like something completely different. Something worse. Many of you may enjoy this spooky aesthetic. Others will remain unsettled for as long as this radio is in their homes. Others yet may feel a strange nostalgia for a time when things were significantly worse. This radio comes to us from a collaboration between The Division of Freaky Frequencies, and Marvin’s Closeout Electronics. Contrary to their name, Marvin’s Closeout Electronics actually manufactures bespoke electronics. But they attempt to enhance the impression of the deal you’re getting by letting you think that their products are significantly marked down. At any rate, the audio quality is far better than it seems. My voice coming through the device should be evidence enough of that. It can play back a great variety of things at crystal clear quality. The radio stations and the big band music are distorted on purpose. Just for you. I should say that this broadcast is only for Kakos Industries Shareholders. Anyone else listening should start thinking about how they might be able to get some Evil done in a hurry and become one of our ranks. Otherwise, they should be prepared to experience a vague personal apocalypse. It won’t be pleasant. 

I will say that while life is a little less busy right now, there is definitely something going on at the moment that I hope I won’t have to tell you about. We’re trying to get it under control. We’re at 10% control right now, but we’re working on it. Not sure why I even mentioned this, really. 

Our festivals are basically cancelled, as you might expect, but that didn’t stop me from taking my personal submarine to check out Kakolantis, AKA Prosperiana. They’re fine. They have no idea about anything going on anywhere else in the world. It’s almost enviable. Or maybe selfish. Should they not care what’s happening anywhere else? Do they not owe the rest of the world their attention? Are we not owed their suffering for ours? These are honest questions. I don’t know the answers.

The Festival of Innovation will likely not occur as usual. While we can definitely bring enormous robots together to do battle, we can’t have a crowd to endanger in the process, which is unfortunate and kind of ruins the fun. We have been told that some of the biggest names in robotics are figuring it out, but I have my reservations. As much as I would love to watch enormous fighting machines destroy each other piece by piece, doing so on my computer screen is less than ideal. I could watch with Junior. We’re basically quarantined together right now anyway. But it’s not the same. And I have a computer screen that is floor to ceiling. It’s really nice. I like it for conference calls. For most other things it’s a little intimidating. 

I know that the lack of festivities here at Kakos Industries is probably not making all of you feel that great about things. While this is Evil, celebrating is more Evil usually. We’re not happy about it either. A few of our employees tried to host a digital orgy. I am told it was kind of sad, but scratched the itch for now. Others have hosted digital fight clubs. It’s not video games, surprisingly. They just hurl terrible insults at one another. I’ve seen clips. It’s entertaining, but not quite visceral.

I’ve kind of glossed over what we’ve been working on lately because it has been less dramatic than usual, but that’s not really fair to the great work some of our people are getting done. I’d like to take this time to highlight some of those Divisions here. Some I’m not sure I’ve even highlighted before, so that might be fun. 

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment have taken the difficulties around the Festival of Innovation as indication that now their services are needed more than ever before. I should mention that the Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment doesn’t actually use large monsters or large robots to do any sorts of battles. They instead make elaborate costumes so that they can reenact the battle, much like other types of war reenactment. Instead of the Civil War, or all of the weird World War II reenactment we’ve seen lately, or the Battle of Tucky Mucky Bay, they do the classics. MechaMoth vs Armadilladon. Stuff like that. At first I was skeptical about what they could be doing with these ridiculous costumes, and cardboard sets. Hearing about it at first, I thought it was kind of silly. But I’ve seen a few of these battles. The costumes are not fully convincing, but once the action starts to get going, it gets intense. And I don’t care who you are, you will be drawn in. The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment is going to be live streaming Yokai Two vs. Giga Nidra after these announcements, if you’re looking for something fun to do. Next week is Uber Zeus vs. Robo Gank. I am pumped. 

If the Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment got you excited, then you might also be excited for The Division of Miniature Monsters. This is a Division of one, run by Dr. Meegan Molokovich. The story goes, Dr. Molokovich was in love with all of the great monsters we help to create, but was concerned that they were too large, and for that reason, not cute. So somehow she convinced the powers that be to fund an ongoing experiment into making raging, horrible, Evil monsters small. Miniature really. The size of small figurines. We are told that she has managed to develop a tiny hydra. Its name is Gizomdeus, or Gizmo for short. Fun.

I am told that that one thing that happens to be going on that I would prefer not to talk about is at 35% control. See. We’re on the up and up. Everything is fine. 

The Division of Interesting Goo has developed semi-newtonian fluids. While it might seem rather binary whether or not something is Newtonian, whether it follows Newton’s laws of viscosity, these fluids only kind of do. Sometimes. One is a greenish goo, and when you slap it, it turns into a hand and slaps back at you. We’re told it’s a mirror reflex, whatever that means. There’s also a reddish putty that expands as you compress it. In fact, I think these are pretty clearly non-Newtonian fluids, but they’re weirder than your run of the mill cornstarch and water. Maybe they just wanted a weirder name. I’ll report this to the Division of Semantics. 

In these something something times, it’s of some emotional value to ponder our odds of making it in the apocalypse. For this reason, the Division of We Would Totally Survive the Apocalypse was founded. They say confidently that they would survive the apocalypse, even though all indications are that they would have the same roughly 1 in 1,000 chance that the rest of us will have in any apocalyptic scenario. They argue that they have tactical shovels and machetes at the ready. They argue that they have kitted out vehicles and off road potential. They argue that they have practical minds that are ready to make difficult decisions. We argue that they have approximately a 50/50 shot of being caught in bed or in the middle of some sort of hygiene activity when any apocalypse happens, effectively catching them with their pants down. They argue, “Oh yeah? We’ll see about that.” 

The Division of Reviving Trashed Ideas is in charge of going through the old files and picking out ideas that we might have discarded too soon. They have recently revived the idea that maybe manatees can do war. They are going to be sorely disappointed I think. Considering that we have the orcas on our side now, especially.

That situation I mentioned is at 60% control. We’re really just getting on top of this thing. That is a relief. 

I haven’t uncovered anything new about Amity Worth. I can’t even attest to the truth of the story. I find researching the origins of our organization, and researching the origins of Evil in general is really fascinating. The trouble is that it is migraine inducing work. And if you’re not careful, the facts alone are enough to cause dizziness or worse. Many have lost themselves or their lives in the pursuit of the darkest histories. I only dabble. A little bit here and there. When I feel up to it. I have developed a new gray hair recently, however. I have named it Amity. 

A telepresence robot allowed Jasmine Aashna to inspect her research at the Division of Erotic Experiences. They are supposedly searching for What is Most Sex, that thing that is so undenibaly sex, and not only that, but more sex than other things that also are sex. I say supposedly, because I’m beginning to fear that their line of inquiry is becoming fruitless. We’ve had people going at it for a long time. Over a year. And they have not discovered what is most sex. I’m not sure they even got close. But, just in case, I’m going to let them keep trying. They haven’t done anything terrible yet, so I don’t really have an excuse to disband them, but it would be nice if they could, you know, work on a small side project with easier to gauge results. 

Hell is still basically unaffected by any events of the outside world. Meredith Gorgoro has been quiet in our surveillance footage. She has the calmness of a predatory animal preparing to attack. Perhaps she is just waiting. For what, we do not know. 

No one has yet gone into the cave at Lake Wyverwil. Sorry. Also the test results came back and Alvin Chikless, Monica Walden, and H.P. Orgleson all tested negative for the hot genes. They’re just apparently hot all on their own. That does make us wonder who did get the hot genes, and why don’t we think they’re hot yet. Or maybe we do, but not that hot? The saga continues. 

Junior has been looking in on the Dana Govern Babies. Yezil, Nera, Haroom, Quesh, and Killiet. He’s… he’s started to knit. His hands are enormous, and there he is with the needles, purling away. The final products are not exactly evenly stitched or that objectively good, but they possess a warmth that only love can provide. The garments can be quarantined for a time and then given to the little ones. It’s the most direct way he can interact with them now, other than looking in through the glass of the nursery. It’s… real fucking sweet. 

It looks like the situation I mentioned before is 85% under control. This is excellent news. I was really worried I was going to have to tell you what happened. At this rate, I won’t. 

Kimzzzzzzzzzz, as most of you will know by now, has also been quarantined in the building and has been tormenting me. I think she lives in here somewhere, but I don’t know where. It could just be on the couch of her religious headquarters. It seems that faith in the Cult of Ohh Ahh has been waning since its members haven’t been able to immediately and completely satisfy their sexual needs with other members. Some have requested a religious exemption, to which I said I’m not your mom, and your behavior is your own business, but I think they were looking for a more direct approval. I don’t think that Kimzzzzzzzzzz really cares that much. She kind of lucked her way into the leadership roll after Bazzizzazizz-Ah broke down. She was so lost, and so angry at everything. Maggie has been a great employee. No problems there. But Kimzzzzzzzzzz really couldn’t get back into the swing of things. We embrace and appreciate a wide variety of work needs from our employees. We get maximum Evil from them when we take into account their individual needs from a workplace. But Kimzzzzzzzzzz still struggled. I sometimes wonder how lost I would be if people didn’t need me 24/7. I suppose I’ve gotten a taste of that now. I feel for her. Which is why I went on the offensive. I stocked up with as many foam dart weapons as I could. Stuff that doesn’t even exist on the market. Stuff that money can’t buy. Stuff you need a comic book villain level of resources at your disposal to develop. And then I went looking. I hid in air vents. The ones that are big enough for me to fit in anyway. I hid inside walls. I tracked, and I stalked, and I found her. She had her measly foam dart pistol in a holster on her right hip. I had my arsenal. She didn’t hear me at first, and it was glorious. A single dart let loose from one of my smaller sidearms. Right in the back of the head. She shrieked and whipped around. Before she could even think about drawing her weapon, I had let loose the onslaught. Thousands of darts fired from my arsenal. It was a hail of nonlethal, not-even-painful projectiles, and I buried her. From under the pile of darts, I could hear her laughing. Cackling even. I didn’t know what to do. Here’s a person who has been really upset at me for a while for, you know, drawing too much attention to the object of her desires and getting that person kicked out of the Damnation and Ruination Squad, and eventually losing track of that person entirely. Should I continue to play, or wait for her to react? I decided to wait. It would be imprudent to do too much all at once. She poked her head out of the pile of darts and spit one at me. The moment was at the same time really funny, and kind of hot. Then I realized that I haven’t been seeing too many people in person recently and that might have explained my reaction. I’m pretty sure that she and I had already been intimate before. There was a lot going on at that time, and I can’t remember exactly what we did, and we didn’t talk about it after, so I‘m only pretty sure. She said, “you got me,” then stared at me for a moment. I said nothing. She said, “now what?” I felt a longing for human touch. I was pretty sure she was flirting, but it could have been a trick. Pumping the brakes, I said “Let’s get a beer.” We went up to the balcony bar, almost all the way up to the top of the building. I found a couple of beers in the refrigerator. The bar has been closed for months. I handed her a bottle and sat on one of the couches looking out the window. She lay down on the couch beside me, resting her calves across my lap. She told me not to worry. She hadn’t seen another soul in weeks. I let her lead the conversation. I wanted to apologize for publicizing the state of her relationship years ago. I wanted to apologize for messing up her chances with Gray. Instead, we just talked like old friends. And it was great. We finished off a couple more beers. I asked her for a truce. She laughed and said, “That’s what you’re asking me for?” I said, “Tonight.” She agreed and went on her way. I stayed a moment to look out the window. The sun was threatening to rise at any moment. That’s when I got hit in the back of the head with a dart.  What am I even doing? This is going to be a disaster.

I am told that we are at 95% control. That’s enough for me. So, one of our employees got a little stir crazy and let, like, all of the monsters out. All of them. Every single one. And they have just been rampaging out there. I figured it wouldn’t matter because you’re all hunkered down anyway and you wouldn’t see them. There’s still a bunch out there, but 95% control in less than an hour? You can’t beat that. And that 5% is only a little over double what we lose in a given year anyway. You won’t notice.

They say that Evil once broke all of the video game records in all of the arcades just to put ASS at the top of all the leaderboards. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for the feeling of ungroundedness you feel especially strongly when lonely for a long time, the deep, agonizing desire to see another human in person up close, and the lack of emotional awareness that leads to blaming those feelings on the government. Of course, we can’t be certain that we did these things. But we did. And if you disagree, things are about to get a whole lot lonelier. 

Svetlana Kartoshka has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Svetlana’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Higgle Pigglemiss. I looked. It’s a real name. Higgle Pigglemiss. When I first read that I needed a moment to collect myself. We gave the Wheel of Misery a firm spin and it landed on the space for Tense. Oof, that one’s gonna hurt. From this day forward, Higgle Pigglemiss will be 37% more tense. Really, if we go any higher than that, the person is in danger of crushing their own bones. 37% is kind of the sweet spot where it’s not too much, but still miserable. For Evil measure, Svetlana Kartoshka will be 13% less tense, which sounds like a nice thing until you start to feel kind of unsteady and gooey throughout. Then you start to bump into things. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck. 

This brings us to the end of our announcements. You can bust up that eerie radio any time you want now. Just beat it to shit. Whatever feels good. We’re now at… 94% control. Hmmm… We might need to work a little harder. The numbers are next.

9

9

87

9

9

0

45

9

63

9

72

4

4

5

5

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a hulking elephant druid.  Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist.  Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Jack Attack, Dwight S, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Dorkpool Dorkuss, who caught the ink bottle, Chax Richter, who slapped away the pasta sauce, Dane The Sparkle Pixie who jumped in front of the flying oil, Tia Reece, who caught the turmeric, Luci Grimm, who defended against the mustard, and Calico, who carried the white piece of fabric through the food fight safely. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, Danniel R Smith, head of the Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, Dino Schroeder, director of the Division of Saying It the Long Way, Seth and Josh heads of the Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, Hayden Neff, director of the Division of Improbable Cookbooks, Kristina Kirkland, Director of the Division of Lukewarm Pep Talks, Sass Master J, Director of The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Pepijn Poolman, Director of the Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, Wraith Fenix, Director of the Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks, and David T, Director of the Division of Animal Stacking. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has continued knitting the small zoo. Now there’s a camel ride. We’re not sure how they move, though.  The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has greased up the cogs on the old Misery Adding Machine. When you press the keys, it adds numbers, and those numbers add to the misery of someone somewhere. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases has changed up the music in the hallways to be rhythmic drumming. It apparently keeps people moving quickly and efficiently. The Division of Saying It the Long Way has invented “We’ve all made a lot of mistakes in our lives, as one is sure to do in any life, with mistakes ranging from big to small, with lots of mistakes in the middle, and a few on the sides and elsewhere, where we can say confidently that no life is free of mistakes or downturns of fortune, which is to say yes I did pee on your bed while sleepwalking.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews has reviewed the Laser Cooking Stand. Everything you ever wanted to try cooked by lasers. Outstanding dumplings. Tasty tapas. The perfect Laseroni. 8/10. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks has finished up the manuscript for How About a Bean Instead? The book focuses mainly on things you wouldn’t want to replace with a bean, but you could, assuming you felt the need. The Division of Lukewarm Pep Talks has been making tons of calls everyday to friends, family, and acquaintances to hear about their struggles. They end every call with “Just keep hanging on!”.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations has uncovered an old missile silo. It’s no longer in use, and the missile has been deactivated. I am told that the nose of this missile is really ergonomic for taking a nap.  The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, a Division known for coming up with a pun and then trying to make a project out of it, has developed Yog-ghurt. It’s a very plain form of yoga.  The Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks has theorized a way of bending Universes together and combining them in one space so you can not only go fuck yourself, but make it a party. The Division of Animal Stacking recently failed to make a fortress entirely out of living goats. The odds were stacked against them. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos Industries can be dark. Maybe try standing on your head for a minute. Only if it’s safe, though. Or if you live for danger.