What you are about to hear might make you a better person, depending on your definition of better, and also of person.

Hi, there. I’d like to welcome you specifically to the shareholder announcements for Kakos Industries. My name is Corin Deeth, and I am just so pleased to be bringing you these announcements. I have often said that Kakos Industries shareholders are all tantalizingly attractive, but for you, this is especially true. I’m having a hard time containing myself where I’m sitting. This broadcast, of course, is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re not a shareholder, then you absolutely disgust me. Go some place quiet and die of exposure.

This broadcast is coming to you from the beautiful woman sitting in front of you. Wink. Is she an employee? Is she another shareholder? Did Kakos Industries genetically engineer her? Is she a model? Is Kakos Industries now genetically engineering models? How about a prostitute? Is Kakos Industries now genetically engineering prostitutes? Is it possible that you are in fact being kind of judgmental of her just for the way she is dressed? Is it fair for you to be so judgmental when, deep down, you really do like the way she’s dressed? Shouldn’t you encourage that sort of behavior instead of punishing it? Isn’t respect sexier than aggression? Have you been asking yourself too many questions? Did you accidentally miss an important part of the broadcast? Is this that thing your doctor told you to keep an eye on? Is this the beginning of an obsessive spiral? Are you starting to sweat too much? Should you be sweating at all right now? How are you sitting right now? Is that how a human sits? Should your legs be crossed right now? Would it be obvious what you’re thinking if you decided to maybe just move your legs a little bit? Would the woman in front of you think that you might be about to fart? Is the way you’re sitting showing off your best attributes? Is it okay for you to be so attracted to this woman right now, when you may not ordinarily be attracted to women like her or women at all? I can assure you it’s okay. I won’t judge. Everyone is attracted to this woman, regardless of their individual history of sexual attraction. Her style, her poise, her figure, her hair, everything just appeals to you. Looking is okay, by the way. You can look all you want. She doesn’t mind. But be careful not to touch. That is definitely not okay. Also, she’s covered in poison.

Last week was the Actual Renaissance Festival. This year the participants in the festival failed to rebuild even just Rome before they were completely devoured by the Giant Robotic Ants with which Giant-Ass Robots to Kick in Yo’ Face provided us. I think we can all agree that the Actual Renaissance was boring as fuck, so we decided to spice it up a little. It’s called creative anachronism. The participants did put up a good fight, but they really just were no match for the giant robots. Several of them hid inside of the renaissance era buildings that they had erected, but the ants broke down the walls. We were really hoping that they would last longer, and perhaps reach some other parts of Italy, but it’s hard to be disappointed when you get to see that much violence.

Next week is the celebration of self love, which is one of my favorite celebrations. This is the time of year that we at Kakos Industries take the time to celebrate one of the most historically reviled acts that a human can do, which is to enjoy him- or herself too thoroughly without the intention of procreation, or even another person present. We encourage all of our shareholders and all of our employees to take time out of every day next week to really give themselves the attention they deserve, while neglecting other important obligations in their lives. For some employees and shareholders, next week might look like every other week, coming home from work, viewing exciting materials, and stimulating oneself to bring about the little death. For those of you for whom this is the usual routine, please allow us to encourage you to take your practice deeper and further than before. Go places that make you uncomfortable. Learn new things about yourself. Shirk all of your responsibilities. Except for those to Kakos Industries, of course. At the climax of the week, many of us will join in the basement ballroom for the final celebration. This celebration, of course, is the Bukakos. The face that will be laid out on the floor in the mosaic tiles is still up for grabs, so be sure to get in those last minute bids.

We have news from Kakos University. The President of the University, Diane Andry has begun work on a new School of Men’s Rights, which will take in men who are concerned about the direction the world is going, and provide them with the ammunition to shoot themselves in the foot on every issue they care about. Ms. Andry explains that there is a special kind of ignorance, especially on the Internet, that refuses to acknowledge that the issues it raises are already taken care of by another school of thought. Ms. Andry explains that modern feminism is aware of the problems that men experience due to being a part of the same patriarchy that feminists oppose for oppressing women. In the pursuit of equality, these issues will necessarily improve. Yet this group takes on a different name because there is something within them that feels deeply uncomfortable with the prefix “fem”, and possibly with women in general. The platform on which these advocates of Men’s Rights stand is indeed some good misinformation and, more than likely, quite a bit of sexism, and as a result we applaud Ms. Andry for introducing them to the curriculum. She has come a long way from the mental facility where we found her, you know, back when Ms. Andry was institutionalized. The School of Men’s Rights will be placed on the exact opposite end of the KU campus from where the School of Social Justice sits, because if the two were any closer, then rational people would not be able to think over all of the screaming.

I presided over a wedding inside of Kakos Industries last week. No, it wasn’t Kara and Billy. Their relationship seems to be proceeding exceedingly boringly. Instead, it seems that a few of our shareholders met out there, and remembering my threat that they would have to marry each other or die, they decided to keep on living. The shareholders are Thomas Stanleys and Brianna Scotch. It was a beautiful ceremony featuring luxurious black draperies; bouquets featuring Chinese Black Bat Flowers, Doll’s Eyes, and Devil’s Claws; and whatever employees here at the main branch that we could spare. The bridesmaids and groomsmen, who are close friends of the lucky couple, arrived blindfolded, and were thoroughly confused by the sight before them when the blindfolds were removed. I will say that they did a magnificent job of managing their fear, though one of the groomsmen may have urinated on himself during a particularly intense part of the ritual. We all found it incredibly humorous. I mean, who’s afraid of anonymous masks and chanting? Grace Rule, the contracts master here at Kakos Industries, and also the wet nurse for any evil children that might pop up around the office, had the honor of overseeing the various legal documents that needed to be signed to make this marriage right by the law, and I had the honor of running the ceremony and also of marrying the lucky couple. They decided to write their own vows, featuring mild optimism at their new union despite it’s unexpected circumstances. It seems that they met in a supermarket and got to talking about their interests when they discovered that they were both shareholders. I pronounced them husband and wife, and then they shared a kiss. They looked oddly hopeful when looking out on the crowd as they walked down the aisle and out of the chapel, which also serves as an extra cafeteria when we need it. The reception after the marriage was simple, but at Kakos Industries there is always an open bar. At this time, most of the bridesmaids and groomsmen saw fit to try to drink away the memories of being dragged to an undisclosed location to witness a forced marriage between strangers. We certainly didn’t blame them. Ordinarily, we have a debriefing ceremony for outsiders, but in this case, we just left a simple note in all of their pockets reading “If you say anything, we’ll kill you.” Now before we get inundated with requests for marriages here inside of Kakos Industries, I have an admission to make. While everything I say during these broadcasts is true, the things that I say may not be true after I am done saying them. In the case of my warning that no two shareholders should ever meet, well that was a specifically targeted attack toward two specific shareholders that were meeting at precisely that moment. They were married about a month ago as a result. Those words are no longer true. I mean, we have celebrations all the time that shareholders attend and several of our employees here have accepted stock options and see each other every day. If my words were true always, instead of just when I said them, then we would be constantly having marriages and we would never get any evil done, depending on how you feel about marriage. We waited until after the ceremony to tell Thomas and Brianna that they didn’t really have to get married, because we didn’t want to spoil the ceremony, and they just seemed so excited. They are still in the honeymoon suite in the upper sections of the Kakos Industries main branch, and they shall remain locked there until they can consummate the marriage.

I have news from the DAD, you know, the Division of Adult Diversion, the division responsible for replacing the Adult Entertainment Branch. It seems that the penis enlargement cream that they developed has had some unintended side effects. I am not speaking of the sheer size of the penises after treatment, but something a bit more insidious. It seems that, even though the penises are too large to be useful to anyone for sexual activities, employers, specifically other men, have had some strange reactions to the new, larger penises. Employees at various businesses have been showing up to work in the only sweatpants that fit them now, as opposed to whatever is appropriate for their occupation , but instead of being reprimanded, they have been receiving promotions, greater responsibilities, and more money. Reports indicate that their employers seem to think these men who have received this treatment have greater potential, and just an aura of being able to handle their shit. Even one of our female researchers who helped develop the cream, Jana Onnudottir, has been rising surprisingly quickly in ranks. It seems that after accidentally handling the cream, she has had a certain anatomical abnormality that would have made her the envy of every ancient Greek tribas. This new abnormality has made many of her male co-workers uncomfortable, and it has given her superiors no choice but to take her seriously. One way or another, this project has not worked out quite how we expected, and we are suspending it until we can get it under control, and until we can get Jana’s clitoris down to a more reasonable, and less threatening size.

The Kakos Industries Division of Pharmaceutical Advancements, or LSD for short, has introduced a new anti-anxiety medication. They tell me that this new medication works wonderfully well removing every trace of an anxious person’s worry and residual muscle tension. Now you might be thinking to yourself, “but Deeth, how is that evil if it helps people so much?” Well that just brings me to the next point. In our studies it seems that shortly after finding complete relief from all anxieties, people who suffer from anxiety begin to feel very odd. It seems that a certain happiness sets in, and then a giddiness sets in, and then the individual begins to wonder about all of the things that he or she may be able to do now that that terrible haze and shadow has been lifted from his or her mind. Then the individual begins to think about the sort of thing that he or she has always really wanted to do, and my goodness, look how much time has passed and how little has been done, and in no time at all, a person with a completely cured anxiety condition can create a brand new one, because let’s face it, change is scary, and there’s no rush like adrenaline.

We have news from Hell. It seems that work has been moving along so well lately that the residents of the Hell labor camp have had some time for arts and crafts. This is exciting news, because it means that the production of Spanish Tile is up, and also that we have been mining more than we can use. The overseers have informed us that the Helots in Hell have put their extra effort into building pyramids, of course with the guidance of the overseers, and in partnership with the Division of Retro Religiosity. These exciting pyramids form the stalactites to the ancient pyramids stalagmites, which is to say that they point down. I am told that they haven’t gotten it completely right yet, which is why they haven’t earned that ice cream social they’ve been promised, but they have developed a number of staggering architectural structures hanging from the ceiling of Hell. The structures do feature hollowed out sections complete with traps and hand carved sepulchers, which we plan to use for deceased high ranking officials in Kakos Industries, and perhaps to imprison a number of high ranking Kaos Industries officials that haven’t taken the hint that their time has come, no matter how forcefully we have attempted to inform them. That is to say our human, or, at the very least, humanoid officials. The exectopi tend to eat their dead before we can attempt any sort of burial. The laborers have been spending their free time making pots to store organs.

The Kakos Industries Division of Smells has begun working closely with a perfume manufacturer, Odeur de Vie. I have in front of my the script for the commercial for the new product that they have to offer. Imagine a man, around 35, shirtless, with a waxed chest, but a full beard. He walks through the sand on the beach barefoot, carrying a young woman. She is wearing only what we assume to be his white dress shirt. Her hair is wet, as is the shirt, revealing youthful skin through its transparency. Close up of the girl. She is fresh-faced, barely 16 years old. A whisper is heard: “Young Pussy.” The man and the girl are now wrestling in the sand, waves splashing over them. A strong light illuminates them from the beach. A song is played. A woman sings “Keep me like one of your dirty secrets.” We hear the whisper again: “Young Pussy.” Voice over: “The smell that women love and men can’t get enough of.” The whisper again: “Young Pussy.” The man is now kissing the neck of the young woman, waves lapping over them still. Her face is emotionless. The music swells and the woman sings once more: “No one can know about our love.” Voice over: “Make that Old Pussy smell like Young pussy.” The man and woman are now sitting on top of the jagged rocks on the beach looking soulfully into each other’s eyes. The whisper: “Young pussy. Young pussy.” The dress shirt floats off into the ocean. Voice over: “There’s nothing like new pussy. Odeur de Vie. Young Pussy.”

You know that segment we do called “Things We’re Taking Credit for Now”? Well, this actually isn’t that segment, but it is one kind of like it. With the success we’ve had taking credit for a wide range of things, we wondered if we might have more success by taking credit for things that we probably had nothing to do with. In this new program, we take responsibility for things that our clients would rather not be responsible for themselves. I mean, we definitely are responsible for these things, so don’t even try blaming the other people involved. This is Things We’re Taking Responsibility for Now. First up, Gladys Cooper, sorry about your lamp. You know, the really fancy one that broke at your 60th birthday party. It has come to our attention that you have been blaming your friend Cheryl for breaking it for over a year now. Anyway, we have to clear the air and inform you that it was actually us that broke your lamp. We snuck in while everyone was outside to see you blowing out the candles and we toppled it over. We’re really sorry about it, sort of. We also didn’t clean it up. You know how we operate. Second, Terry P. Smith, your husband Tony didn’t cheat on you, we merely pushed his body through the motions. He didn’t want to do it. Here at Kakos Industries we have an elite team of Adultery Ninjas just for cases like these. This team is capable of moving so stealthily that the people they affect aren’t even aware of their presence. Not only did this team encourage Tony to drink more, and encourage him to follow the woman to her car, but they also physically moved his pelvis against his will, making him essentially our puppet. That’s our bad. Third, Tony D. Smith, we may have pushed your wife through similar adultery-like motions, also. We engineered a man so irresistible that honestly no one could have turned him down. Think about the woman in front of you, but instead it’s a man. And for good measure, our Adultery Ninjas moved her hips around while she rode him like a cowgirl. So, Tony and Terry Smith, you may not have known about your mutual deviations until just now, but it’s important to remember that you didn’t cheat on each other, we cheated on both of you. Sorry.

The winner of this week’s Ruin a Life Contest is Joe. You know Joe, right? We all know Joe. And we only know him as Joe seeing as how he never wrote down his last name, and our attempts to look him up have been unsuccessful. Try a web search for “Joe” and you’ll see what we mean. Joe has selected… hmmm… it seems that Joe has selected another guy named Joe, also with no last name, or potentially he chose to ruin his own life. Well, this is where being vague gets you in trouble, Joe. We gave the information as it was written to the Wheel of Misery, which ultimately decided that Joe should be taken apart, and put back together a little differently. The process will leave Joe never feeling quite at home in his body again. For good measure, we will do the exact same thing to Joe, who may or may not be the same man. If we find that they are in fact two men, then maybe we should body switch them. That would be rad.

When you look at Kakos Industries, you might easily be able to see the things that we do that take place in the penumbra, and perhaps you may even be able to see,with a change of perspective, a halo of things we do in the antumbra of Kakos Industries, but most of our actions take place in the umbra of Kakos Industries, where we don’t even know what we do. Now, it’s actually time for Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week we’re taking credit for Fan Fiction, Black Metal, and Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then you should tell the woman sitting before you. She will patiently hear you out, weigh the pros and cons of what you say, and ultimately make a judgment. If she decides against you, you will have the choice of kissing her hand, or having her fingers forced into your mouth. Either way, you are dying of poison, it just depends on how kinky you want it to be.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. Everyone take a deep breath. We made it. I wasn’t so sure about it today, but, well, here we are. Pat yourself on the back. High five. Don’t actually high five the woman before you, however, or you will be fatally poisoned. You might be thinking to yourself, do I have to destroy this woman? Is she technically the radio that the broadcast is coming in on? Does Kakos Industries really want me to get my hands this dirty? What could I even use to do it without touching her? Would it be impolite to ask her to shower before I mercilessly slay her? Come to think of it, why isn’t she dying from the poison? Why am I even having thoughts like this? Wait a second, am I being turned on by the prospect of murdering this young woman? Does it turn me on to think that there might be a life that exists solely for me to end? Am I turned on by the power that comes with a thought like that? Does having the power of life and death really give me that much of a rush? Did Kakos Industries engineer a woman that would make me feel this way or am I becoming a monster? Why am I breathing so heavily? Why am I sweating?

And with that she’s gone. Out your front door. Leaving you to your own terrible, unforgivable thoughts. But through your window you can hear the following numbers:

69
69
69
69
71
99
69

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. In this episode, the voice of Corin Deeth was provided by Kim Aiello. The introduction was read by Conrad Miszuk, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently standing in three feet of water. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered not thinking about a pink rhinoceros?