Join with us as we honor our 2017 Shareholder of the Year.

Shareholders, employees, members of the Evil community at large, and yes, friends, we have gathered here today in the beautiful garden rotunda here at Kakos Industries to honor one among us who has truly gone above and beyond the call of duty. I am speaking of course of shareholder David Willoughby.

So many of our shareholders here at Kakos Industries become shareholders by simply doing something Evil. Some shareholders even view their status as shareholders as a burden. They become shareholders and then they do the bare minimum to get by. Show up at a few celebrations. Do a little Evil here and there. Very few shareholders find it within themselves to embrace the Evil at the deepest levels and reinvest financially in our company here at Kakos Industries.

David Willoughby is a visionary in the truest sense. Not only has he reinvested in Evil, he has invested heavily in us here at Kakos Industries, allowing us to do many amazing things. Today, I would like to highlight one of those things. I am proud to announce the Kakos Industries’ new Culinary Arts and Calibration Kitchen, or CACK for short. Thanks to David Willoughby and his selfless contributions to us here at Kakos Industries, we are able to open this facility that will both feed us here at Kakos Industries, and also help us to make food even more Evil.

The CACK features many important divisions specializing in some of the finest food-based Evil known to man. The Division of Pizza at CACK has recognized that, for much of the world, pizza is a food group making up much of the human diet. For that reason, they are investing David’s resources into new ways to make pizza Evil. So far, they’ve created a new topping that, for whatever reason, seems universally appealing when the pizza is ordered, but becomes entirely unappetizing as soon as it crosses the threshold of your home. We’re calling this topping the Wahhnchovy. I am also told that they are developing further toppings that make pizza feel like nothing at all in your stomach, allowing the consumer to ingest several pizzas without feeling the least bit satisfied. They are also introducing a pizza that endlessly produces oil, so that friends of yours that use a paper towel to dab their pizza will never actually begin to eat the pizza.

The Cack also has a division dedicated to taco science. They have recently developed the Endless Taco, which is a taco that uses the physical laws of attraction to steal the bite from your mouth and reform before you can swallow. I am told it is incredibly frustrating, though delicious. They have also developed the canned taco, a tube of meat and filling surrounded by a cylindrical hard corn shell. It’s good in an emergency, but it will fill you with existential dread at all other times. Then there is the throwing taco. It is both delicious and deadly depending on the scenario. Exciting stuff.

The Division in charge of hamburgers has mainly focused on making hamburgers that are the least amount of actual matter possible. Like it’s a full size hamburger, but just kind of airy. It’s interesting. We’ll figure out the Evil eventually.

The Division of Desserts at CACK has invented Hard Serve Ice Cream, ice cream that rattles and thunks its way out of both the machine that serves it, and you later after you have consumed it. Then there’s the cryo-ice delight, which is delicious, but also has the side effect of slowing down and partially freezing those who eat it, taking many hours that seem like seconds to thaw. Then there’s the bucket cake. Go ahead. Just eat cake out of a bucket. What have you got left to lose?

What is possibly the greatest aspect of CACK, brought to you by David Willoughby, is that our employees and shareholders can visit it any time and order these strange and Evil items for themselves. This extra experience brings us much closer to our research goals faster. And it occasionally leaves half of the office doubled over with stomach pains.

CACK is undoubtedly Evil, and we have shareholder of the year David Willoughby to thank for that. Thank you for your contributions, David.