In which the Big Black Hole Celebration is recapped, the Kakos University School of Social Justice is announced, the Canadian branch checks in, a new smell is developed, and an experiment is carried out live on the air.

Transcript:

What you are about to hear may cause activity in parts of the brain the previously had no purpose.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Investor announcements. I am Corin Deeth III, and this is some of the news from within Kakos Industries that you might be interested in. If you aren’t, that’s okay. You have to listen anyway. I will caution you, as I always do, that this broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries Investors, so if you’re hearing this from your roommates’ wall, just cover your head with a pillow and pretend that he or she is just having noisy sex. If you feel a little extra pressure from the top of the pillow, it’s best to just… let go.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from an antique radio we picked up at a thrift store. You might be wondering how we found so many identical radios at the same thrift store so as to supply you all with one. You might also be wondering if every shareholder received the same radio. All I can say is it’s best not to wonder too much about the other Kakos Industries Shareholders. It is strictly forbidden for anyone who is a shareholder to actually meet with anyone else who is also a shareholder, even accidentally. In the event that you do meet another Kakos Industries shareholder that you are not already related to, you will be given the choice to either marry that individual or die, which is actually a plot we stole from an anime. If you feel inclined to make references to “pleasing your master” during the nuptial ceremony, that would indeed please us here at Kakos Industries very much.

This week is a very special week for us here at Kakos Industries. This week marks the yearly Darkest Universe festival. If you’re new to Kakos Industries, then let me tell you that the Darkest Universe festival is one of our best. We channel the energy of all of our employees and investors worldwide in a single choice to make this the darkest universe. Every one of us has choices every day that make the world we live in better or worse, but out of every choice that we make, several alternate universes are created representing those other choices we could have made. After a somewhat bad experience, Kakos has ceased all attempts at making contact with the other universes, and we have instead decided just to make this universe the darkest we can. Over the next week, you will be called upon to focus all of your energy toward the dark. This culminates on Dark Friday, which is the day when the choice becomes permanent. With your help, we know we can do it.

I am excited to tell you all, that, in accordance with the Darkest Universe festival, we will be performing an experiment live today during the broadcast. We have one of our interns, Jerry Harvin, in an isolated room. He has not been told why he is there. In fact, I have a video feed of him right in front of me right now, and it appears that he is very confused. He is not the brightest intern we have ever had, so it’s not likely that he will figure it out. So what exactly is the experiment? Along with your thrift store radio, a picture of Jerry was delivered to each and every Kakos Industries shareholder. Jerry has dark blond hair. If the gentleman in your photograph has brown hair, then you have last year’s photo. There is no penalty this time for that. Please take out the correct photo. Now stare deeply into Jerry’s eyes. Concentrate deeply. Breathe. Now wish Jerry dead. With all of your might. Ah, I can feel you doing it. This is wonderful. Now please keep that level of hate up for the rest of the broadcast. We’ll check in on Jerry throughout. For now, he seems to have slowed… just a bit. He has detected a slight chill in the air.

This is not the only experiment we do during the Darkest Universe festival. In order to gather some real quantifiable results, we have to experiment before and after Dark Friday. Currently, we have left a box on the freeway in traffic. The box has been labelled “Kittens”. We are timing how long it takes before someone, either through sheer hateful intentionality or distracted oblivion, completely crushes the box. I am told the box is still there, so we are not in the Darkest Universe yet. It is inevitable, though. You might be wondering whether or not there are actually kittens in the box. I will say that it is impossible to tell at this time if there are kittens in the box, and subsequently if said kittens are living or dead, without interfering with the results of the experiment.

I bet some of you out there are wondering how our Big Black Hole celebration went. It felt wonderful to join hands with so many people as we stood around the Big Black Hole and prepared to drop the recently de-extinct, and soon to be re-extinct, aurochs into it. We began to hum, and an energy moved through the crowd. I am not exactly sure what happened, but when we dropped the aurochs into the hole, in only fell about 4 feet. It seems that the bottom of the hole is as black as ever, but it has moved to just barely below the surface of the Earth. This is troubling because we still had a researcher in the hole studying it, and the rope he was attached to is now firmly planted in the bottom of the hole. No word on where he is at this time. The aurochs was startled, but relieved. Due to the shallower nature of the hole, we were forced to let the aurochs be buried alive next to the hole. Not quite as exciting, I know, but at least we got rid of that eerie menace. Hopefully, the next aurochs will creep us out less, and then some day we’ll have a fucking tyrannosaur.

A quick update on Jerry, he is not sitting down. His skin is clammy. He is rubbing his arms as though he might be cold. I don’t know if any of you out there have ever worked together to wish someone dead before, but this is an important moment. We can’t ease up. Please, keep your hate flowing. Here’s some help. Jerry cheated on his girlfriend, who is in a wheelchair. We’ll make that true.

In an effort to provide the world with greater and greater levels of ignorance, Kakos University is proud to unveil its School of Social Justice. Have you ever found yourself arguing with someone with whom you mostly agree, but their method of argumentation is truly repugnant to you? This is something we hope to take credit for in the future. At Kakos University, students from all backgrounds and all walks of life will be welcomed into a program promising to help them change the world in which they live. Once inside the program, our talented instructors will begin to teach the students the ideas and beliefs that will truly bring society forward, but in addition, the students will also be taught to disregard any and all traditional means of argument, relying instead on ad hominem attacks and many other fallacies. The students at the Kakos University school of Social Justice will no doubt be on the right side of history, but it will be questionable whether or not they are fighting for or against their comrades. For every misspelled, logically inconsistent infographic that circulates social media, you’ll be able to thank us. For every article about the various feminist failings of a pop idol in an effort to keep their website high in search results, you’ll be able to thank us. For every shrieking, incoherent rant tearing you down for not agreeing with them the right way, you’ll be able to thank us. And for every success for which they claim credit in bringing about, you’ll be able to thank us as well. Kakos Industries has no qualms with where the world is going. Indeed, it is our business to meet the world right where it is. And before you needlessly attack our organization for being patriarchal, please note that the majority of our executive board is genderless GMO Exectopi in a sex pile. They are a special, genetically modified species of octopus that is excellent at making executive decisions.

Keeping with the tradition of The School of Social Justice, our Division of Hate has developed a new double standard. From this time on, a woman who rides a unicycle will be a harlot. You’re welcome.

We have news from Denny. Apparently, Denny made a new friend since we last spoke of him or her. I will not say whether the new friend is a close one or an acquaintance, and I can also neither confirm nor deny that the new friend was someone from Denny’s past. Pretty much if you’ve made a friend ever, this could be you. But it isn’t. Probably. Some of our shareholders have asked us whether or not we can truly say we have immersed a brain in a digital reality, seeing how we might be in a digital reality now without knowing it. To this, we respond, “either way, there is a brain in a digital reality.” And unfortunately, I must inform you that this world is actually real, and your perception of it is more or less accurate. Unless you happen to be Denny.

We have news from our Canadian branch. I am told that they have just made the discovery of pushing and shoving on public transport. I must admit this is a disappointing level of progress, but progress is progress. If I happen to hear, however, that anyone apologized after shoving or being shoved, then punishments will be doled out. Sohrry.

Let’s check in with Jerry. He… I don’t know how to tell you this, shareholders. It seems that Jerry is perfectly fine. He appears to be singing, but there is no microphone in the room. This was a security measure, because as much as we love screams, listening to them all day can be desensitizing. I would urge you to focus your hate more intently. If it helps, take out a permanent marker, and draw a neckbeard on Jerry. Imagine him writing ignorant youtube comments. Yes, that is hateful. Let’s continue.

The Division of Smells has developed a new smell. They say it is like nothing that anyone has smelled before. I am told it actually causes a chemical reaction resulting in new smell receptors just for this smell. The best description they have right now is “kind of like a sexy death or something.” I really don’t know how to react to that. I can’t wait to try it out, but we are still somewhere in the animal testing phase. Getting qualitative results for this sort of thing can be hard, though. Have you ever tried to read facial expressions from a dog? Sometimes they just don’t want you to know when you’ve hurt them.

News from the in-office relationship. Kara and Billy did not have a date this week. I feel like there’s a knot in my stomach. Did I do something wrong? I really feel like the world is upside down right now. I tried not to overdo it, you know? I can do that sometimes. I made sure that when I sent them the marriage benefit documents that I sent them to every employee. This has become quite a headache for me as some of the married people in the office have started to ask why they don’t receive the benefits listed on the documents. It’s hard to tell them that I don’t like them enough, but I do it. As the placard above my monkey statue in my office reads, “Hear Evil, See Evil, Do Evil, Deeth Evil.”

I was informed earlier this week that there was a birth in the office. Accountant Mary Handy gave birth at her desk because she wasn’t finished with her shift yet. The child is a healthy 8 and a half pounds and is probably female. Hoping to avoid distracting Mary during her shift, we took the child to daycare where it was given some sort of water dipping ritual. I must remind you that according to the employee handbook, any child born on the premises becomes 30% the property of Kakos Industries. We’re looking forward to the weekends. We also have the right to name 30% of the child. We have given Mary the syllable “Wack” to fit in there somewhere. Figure it out, Mary.

Kakos Industries has developed Free Shiping. The amazing thing about Free Shiping, is that it looks like Free Shipping when it’s written out. Our clients’ customers will leap at the chance to have whatever it is they are purchasing shipped to them for free, only to discover that they will instead receive Free Shiping, and what is perhaps most diabolical is that the cost of the Shiping will be included in the price of the item. If you’re concerned about what Free Shiping might be, don’t order it. I wouldn’t.

As you well know, Kakos Industries is a large and shadowy organization. The company itself is actually blurry, unless you have the Kakos industries patented Dark Vision Bifocals. I should warn you if you do have the Dark Vision Bifocals that we’ve recently learned that they may cause some permanent side effects, such as never being able to see the good in anything again. But even if you are wearing those glasses, you still won’t be able to see everything we do. I’ve got the whole list in front of me, but I still can’t read them all. Perhaps it is time to develop Dark Vision Bifocals for tiny tiny font. At any rate, it’s time for Things We’re Taking Credit For Now. This week, we’re taking credit for The Pontiac Firebird, Actual Robocop, and the city of Detroit. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, just shut the fuck up. Seriously. How can you even say things like that. You can’t know evil like I do. Fuck.

Dana Thurman is the winner of this week’s Ruin a Life contest. As a result, the life of her nemesis, Alana Frances, will be ruined. A spin of the wheel of misery gives us More Attractive. From this day forward, Alana’s genetic makeup will be altered to make her objectively more attractive. Long time fans of the Ruin a Life competition will wonder how this sort of thing could possibly ruin a life. Wouldn’t we all like to be more attractive? Alana has worked hard in her life to get where she is. And things are going to get… Easier. Alana will notice the difference, and no achievement for the rest of her life will feel the same. Her ambition will dwindle. She will give up. She will marry someone whom she deems to be an appropriate match for her physical beauty, but with whom she has no chemistry or real sexual compatibility. Good luck Alana. For good measure, Dana Thurman will be made more… Interesting to look at. Congratulations again on the win.

Let’s check in with Jerry. Oh my. On my video feed right now, it appears as though one of our Kakos Industrial paramedics is checking Jerry for life signs. Jerry is… standing, but motionless. Looks like the paramedic is signalling me, it looks like… He’s dead folks. We did it. Jerry has passed on, and it’s all thanks to you out there. Hold on a second. This is exciting news. Jerry has toppled over, and it appears as though… it may be too soon to say for certain, but it appears as if Jerry has shattered. Yes, I believe it is so. We turned Jerry to stone. This is a truly exciting development. This is not something we had even previously thought possible. And I just received word that an angry driver just plowed through the box labelled “Kittens”. Things are truly looking up for us here at Kakos.

And now we’ve reached the end of the broadcast. In a moment, we will begin our numbers list, which I assure you is nothing important at all, certainly not a transmission of intergalactic cryptocurrency to our extraterrestrial operations. Now is the time for you to destroy your thrift store radio. Actually, I’m inclined to let you just keep it. That seems a little bit worse. Maybe. I don’t know. Destroy it if you feel like it. Maybe… maybe if you don’t have a radio right now, then you have to destroy it, but if you’ve already got one, then I want it to take up space somewhere. Like your attic.

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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There are also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered scrapbooking about the good days before you heard it?