In which Violet makes some connections, Junior watches a new anime, Meredith learns the lingo, and Mirna “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

CONRAD: Kakos Industries is ad-free. To help keep it that way, head to kakosindustries.com/patreon and become a member today.

RYAN: What you are about to hear is made of star stuff.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better, and they make it so that everyone does Evil better, whether they want to or not. I am CEO Corin Deeth III. Last time, shareholders, we were trying to get to the bottom of a mystery regarding some missing time in our memories during the New Year’s celebration. At the end, we decided it was better if we didn’t know. I will say that people here at Kakos Industries are not that great at keeping secrets, so of course I have learned more about what they found. I will say that some of what happened was due to an odd combination of the Questival carrying over and The Festival of Anti-Celebration causing what some have called an “underflow error” in our brains. I’ll leave it at that for now. The endeavor to learn more about myself is ongoing, but we’ll get to that later.

Today’s broadcast is coming from this guy who just really, really needed to tell you something. Currently, his gaze is vacant, his body is swaying gently, but his mouth is open, making these sounds for you. Moments ago, he hit you with a “hey, buddy” or an “oi, bruv” or an “excuse me” and then he just started to sound like these announcements. This is one of those radio techniques we’ve had at our disposal for a long time, but it’s not the kind of technique you just use without having a decent excuse. It’s invasive. There’s at least some minor mind control going on. This guy is a regular person. He’s really in there, and he will regain control of his body after these announcements having no memory of this, except maybe that he just really needed to tell a stranger something for a minute there and then talked that stranger’s ear off. I am told that this process is basically harmless, but knowing how we define harmless around here, I might have some concerns, too. I would love to tell you which division of Kakos Industries is responsible for this “radio”, if we can call it that, but I can’t. They’re one of the more secretive ones. I can only tell you that this is extremely difficult and uses a lot of energy, and it’s obviously not something we can do all the time. The obvious part about it not being something we can do all the time is that if we could, we would do it all of the time. This is sick as fuck. We’re mind controlling a bunch of dudes right now. That’s very exciting. If you’re worried that this could happen to you, then I really, really want you to keep worrying about that. But I will tell you that it is unlikely that the technique we’re using right now would work on any of our shareholders. It’s something about your minds being too strong, and attractive, and easily distracted. What were we talking about? Right, don’t be afraid. Unless you’re not a shareholder. If you’re not a shareholder and you’re hearing these announcements, then our aim is getting a bit sloppy. If you could just sort of go out in an open area and raise your hand, we should be able to improve this situation for everyone. 

We recently had the Festival of Darkness, which, as promised, involved immersing all of you in a thick black goo up past the tops of your heads. Oxygen was supplied via a breathing tube, but other than that you were completely cut off from the outside world and all of your senses. We matched the temperature of the liquid to your body temperature to maximize the potential for psychedelic and dissociative experiences while in complete darkness. We did give each of you a secret mantra to consider while your sense of self dissolved in this opaque fluid. These mantras were customized for each of you to bring about your darkest inner thoughts and experiences while submerged. Or, at least that’s what we told you. You have no choice but to believe us unfortunately because you are forbidden from ever sharing that mantra. Some of you reported that you felt something slither through the liquid while you were in there and we are asserting very confidently that nothing of the sort actually happened, and you were just tripping balls. Would we really put you in a tank with some sort of aquatic monster? Don’t answer that. We’re telling you that we didn’t. Wouldn’t it be nicer just to believe us?

We also recently had the festival of genes. A lot of you joined us hoping to change your whole deal, whether for the better or just for a change. I promised all of you that we would have an option that would make you more aquatic and I did not mislead you. It’s been a week or two now since the festival and the true effects of the gene construct are starting to show themselves. Several of those people who got the aquatic genes have turned into halibut. Several others have turned into some sort of human/manatee hybrids. Only a couple of you got the desired sexy half-human half-otter construct, and only one of you got the even sexier half-human half-dolphin construct. I’m using sexy in a general sense here. I think the people who ended up with those characteristics were pretty happy about it anyway. People are really weird about aquatic creatures. We also had a construct that made your eyes weirder. I am told some people got star shaped irises, others got hearts, and some got human sphincter shaped irises. You might be asking how we can tell that’s what they look like being that irises are kind of sphincter-like already, and you just can. You can tell. That’s a b hole where your iris should be. We also had the mystery vials, and while I cannot spoil the results of the experiments, I can say that your donations of yourselves to science this year went to the Division of Domestication and the Division of Deep Space Travel. We are excited to see what they come up with, and we are excited to see the beautiful creatures that you bloom into.

Coming up, we have the Shareholders’ Ball, one of the wildest celebrations we put on every year. I was informed that, because of our Halloween presentation of the Gray Masquerade, many of you felt left out that you were not able to participate in those specific events and as such the DIvision of Dionysia is doing their best to incorporate what we can from that celebration in to the shareholders’ ball. You see, we can’t include everything from the Gray Masquerade both for your health and safety as well as some contractual obligations to keep things unique to that event. That being said, I don’t think you’ll be missing anything from it. Shareholders, on average, are far better to hang out with and experience a ball with than the Evil socialites. I promise. I guarantee it. We will also be adding some exciting events to the ball to make it its own thing, but I don’t want to ruin the surprise. 

Also coming up, we have the Celebration of the Moon. It’s pretty great, isn’t it? You know, the moon? Why not celebrate it? Okay, fine. The Celebration of the Moon is yet another opportunity for us to explore some esoteric spiritual practices and rituals, some borrowed from the past, others created new out of whole cloth. I just think the moon’s pretty cool. We take it for granted, you know? We shouldn’t. It’s really cool. 

CORIN: So I’ve learned some interesting information about our very own Violet Trudge just recently. Shareholders, you might remember her as the hardest working person on our staff. That is not because we make her work that hard, by the way. We’ve tried to figure out what makes her so hardworking in the past to try to make other employees do it, but every other employee we’ve put under the same workload has been crushed under the pressure. Literally in two cases. 

(RINGING)

CORIN: I guess I better answer that.

VIOLET: What is it?

CORIN: What?

VIOLET: I heard my name.

CORIN: Are you listening to the announcements?

VIOLET: What? No. Gross.

CORIN: Then how did you… you know what, never mind. I was about to tell the shareholders about your evening activities.

VIOLET: Hey, now, what have you heard?

CORIN: I meant the socialite scene.

VIOLET: Oh, yeah, that. I’ve been doing that.

CORIN: You don’t really strike me as the social type. 

VIOLET: Well, someone made me go to a party, and it turns out I was quite popular at the party. I made a lot of deals. I made connections.

CORIN: And I heard that you kept doing that. 

VIOLET: I find that socializing works best when you think of it like a game. And I’m winning that game. 

CORIN: I am told that you have become a board member of several Evil businesses.

VIOLET: None of them are direct competitors to Kakos. I read the fine print. 

CORIN: Well, not individually, but you did mention that you were a member of several of them.

VIOLET: I can still do my job just fine. And there’s no overlap. I’m aware of the poison pill provision.

CORIN: Well, mostly I was just going to tell the shareholders how impressed I was. I figured if anyone was aware of the contractual minutiae it would be you. Or Grace. Probably Grace first, but only because she writes most of them. And I trust that you won’t get carried away.

VIOLET: Of course not. 

CORIN: How many businesses was it again?

VIOLET: 38.

CORIN: Right. Take care, Violet. 

It’s now time for the segment where we answer some of your questions. Last time I mentioned a number of venue spaces here at Kakos Industries that are more or less open to the public as long as you’re not a fucking spy. We got a number of questions asking for more details. I mentioned The Basement Theater, which is a small, probably 150 cap space for smaller theatrical performances and concerts. It is the more compact and intimate of our locations. Sometimes, we will also open up the basement ballroom for some sort of show. We will bring in bigger bands and musicals and whatnot, sometimes to turn a profit, and other times just to entertain our employees and remind them why they chose Evil. We also have the amphitheater lawn, which can host thousands. There are actually several amphitheaters, so we can have music festivals if necessary. People sometimes ask us why we don’t do that more often and the answer is I don’t know. Music festivals are pretty Evil. Especially the ones where you have to camp. I guess I will put that to The Division of Dionysia and see what they come up with.

I should probably tell you that Members of the Cult of Ohh Ahh have been showing up dead. The autopsies have revealed that their brains were overloaded with pleasure, and then they sort of cooked in their skulls. Also their skin was burned and bruised in a number of places, suggesting the use of some kind of restraint and various electrodes. I will say that beyond those injuries there are no signs of struggle, and it would appear that whatever happened was initiated consensually. Obviously, killing members of the Cult of Ohh Ahh is doing Evil to the Evil, so it’s not ideal. There are a lot of conclusions we could draw from something like this, but I think we have to wait until we have more evidence. It certainly fits the profile of a rogue team from the Division of Erotic Experiences being missing and the Cult of Ohh Ahh restructuring itself, though. For what it’s worth, there does appear to be a schism in the Cult of Ohh Ahh, with many members disassociating themselves with the governing body. 

I also have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. The Satisficer, that sex toy designed to be able to please anyone anywhere no matter what they’re into or what they can do, now has horns you can hold onto. Yes, this is because Xylathee, their now collective headcanon for the demon of what is most sex, has horns. I asked them what if someone doesn’t like horns. They said everyone likes horns. I said what if I don’t like horns. Then they kind of stared at me for a while incredulously before finally saying “quit lying.” I wasn’t lying. I don’t think I was lying. I mean horns are fine, I guess. They’re not going to ruin anything. Unless that thing gets caught on the horns, I suppose. It’s possible we need some new people on this team with more diverse interests. This team says horns are definitely involved in what’s most sex. I just don’t buy it. 

Members of our Division of Anthropology have been using machine learning models to try to crack the language the laborers in the Hell Labor Camp have started using. They have been using the speaker on the robot they sent down to the camp to try to communicate with the people. They have gotten some confused looks, but mostly they get no response. This is troubling because it implies that there is some dimension to this language that is not accounted for in what they’ve studied so far. They assessed possible verb conjugations. They’ve looked at grammatical moods. They have attempted to decline nouns. They have looked at tones and pronunciation. They have collected every sound the laborers have made, but nothing has led to an understanding of what is being said. This is very unusual as you can imagine. The more concerning part is that Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp, is now in on it. Not only is she in on it, but she seems to be speaking the language flawlessly. This can mean one of two things. Either she has been studying the language for a long time and lied to us previously, or she has learned it very quickly. The first scenario is frustrating certainly, but the second is even more concerning based on what I said at the start of this segment. How could she learn it so quickly when we’ve made zero progress? Perhaps there is something that requires physical presence to understand. The other concerning thing is that the figurines that they have been making down there have gotten much larger. They have gotten a lot larger. There is one made from several slabs of glowing material that is now roughly half the height of the cavern. It appears to be what we believe to be the main god. The researchers have been calling that god either The Big One, Hlushth, which sounds like one of the vocalizations, or the be-snouted one, based on its appearance. The situation down there is getting out of hand once again.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted Nerd Wolf versus Geek Lion. The actual battle happened in 1989 outside of an arcade. Both monsters were too large to fit inside the arcade, but they were content to just watch the goings on inside. Naturally, they were designed to be Wolf and Lion monsters respectively. Their interests in the nerdy and or geeky realms came later. Anyway, they apparently had a disagreement about who should win in a fight between two characters from completely different fighting games, and decided to have it out in the parking lot. The arcade itself and everyone inside were crushed during this altercation, which is ironic, but it did not stop the violence. What did stop the violence was Nerd Wolf’s older brother Jock Wolf showing up and stopping the fight and dragging Nerd Wolf home. Jock Wolf was actually made to be a wolf and jock, for what it’s worth. The recreation of this fight took some liberties and brought elements from the fighting games into the scene, with health bars, and 80s babes holding up signs in the background. It was a fun time all around. 

JUNIOR: Hello, Corin. I understand you requested to speak to me about something.

CORIN: Oh, hey, Junior. Yeah, I wanted to talk to you, but it doesn’t have to be in front of all of the shareholders during the announcements.

JUNIOR: This is when I was free. You may speak to me now, or wait until I am free again, which may be some time from now.

CORIN: What’s got you so busy all of a sudden?

JUNIOR: I am always busy with various tasks and various projects. You know that I am constantly working on something.

CORIN: Do I know that?

JUNIOR: There are many important demands on my time, Corin. Do not pretend like you are unaware of how commonly sought after my free time is.

CORIN: Is that true?

JUNIOR: I am a busy being, Corin. People need me. For things.

CORIN: What were you doing just before you came here?

JUNIOR: Very important things with very important people. 

CORIN: Soundman is indicating something to me. He’s saying something about a new season of anime.

JUNIOR: Soundman should keep his mouth shut. Or… keep his signing hands still, I suppose. 

CORIN: Whatcha watching?

JUNIOR: I am watching How I Ended Up Dating Every Woman in the Kingdom Sexually Boingaboing. It’s part of the long running Boingaboing saga. Very important stuff, Corin.

CORIN: Right. I have questions, but I do not need answers.

JUNIOR: Then why am I here?

CORIN: Well, I do have questions, just not about… Boingaboing.

JUNIOR: Proceed.

CORIN: Junior, I’m curious if you know anything about… surrogates.

JUNIOR: You mean, ones who carry children?

CORIN: Yes. Like, special children.

JUNIOR: Like I was?

CORIN: Yeah. And also…

JUNIOR: Like you were?

CORIN: Yeah.

JUNIOR: I met my surrogate once. Well, once many years after I was weaned. She wasn’t actually related to me, naturally, but we shared a bond. She was kind enough. 

CORIN: Delia F. I have the records here.

JUNIOR: Then what is it you wish to know?

CORIN: I cannot find any records for a surrogate for myself. I’ve searched the entire archive twice. 

JUNIOR: You know that I do not condone this line of inquiry. The answers will likely not be of any use to you.

CORIN: There’s just no record. Was it destroyed? Do you know anywhere else these records could be?

JUNIOR: I thought that Tabitha woman decided you weren’t a clone. 

CORIN: Well, I thought…

JUNIOR: What did you think?

CORIN: I’m not sure. I wanted to double check, I guess.

JUNIOR: And?

CORIN: The answer must be somewhere else. And there is a lot more for me to consider. A lot more questions.

JUNIOR: I have advised you against this. May I go?

CORIN: I suppose. Thanks for helping me out.

JUNIOR: I do what I can. I am a very important and busy being.

CORIN: Enjoy the anime, Junior.

JUNIOR: Oh, I will. Until we meet again.

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has opened a safe that was found in the burned out office formerly belonging to the DIvision of Crystal Balls. Inside, they found a crystal cube. The sacrilege. 

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. As we know, the projects to control or Destroy the Sisterhood of the Traveling Sports Bra, the Church of Diuretics, and The Siblinghood of the Spooky FInger were all incredibly successful. I mean, one of them did take ten years, but the other two were remarkably fast after that. Well, it seems that the Division has now set their sights on the Miss Belle of the Ball pageant. It is a beauty pageant with some deeply antiquated roots, but I am also told that there is an undercurrent of martial arts, with maybe even a fight club involved. I am curious to hear more.

Last we spoke about the Matmos, it was becoming clear that Kimmie, one of our more unpredictable employees here at Kakos Industries, was doing something with it. What we didn’t know, but Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the Matmos, have been complaining about pains coming from their connection to the substance. Other employees who have the Matmos within them were also complaining. The way they described it to me, Kimmie has taken on multiple pools of Matmos within her and they have combined in some uncomfortable ways. There is cross-chatter through her that is polluting the entire network. We’re losing a significant amount of productivity from those employees, which is concerning. We shall see where this goes.

I also have news about the donut. The donut was a reddish stone I pulled out of the Matmos that looked a bit like a torus, or a donut for those of you who are afraid of three dimensional geometry words. It appears to be something like the Matmos, but instead of being a liquid, it appears to be a solid. Well, it may be something in between. Perhaps an extremely slow moving liquid, nearly indistinguishable from a solid. The scientists who have been working with it have been applying electrical charges to speed it up so that they can interact with it on a more human scale, as opposed to the eons it seems to take ordinarily. They recently hit it with just a ton of electricity trying to see how fast they could get it to move, and for a few seconds, its shape started to change as though it were melting. Then the Donut somehow pushed itself away from the electrodes before solidifying again. When they attached the sensors that allow them to communicate with the donut, it appeared to say “not cool, bro.” There is a layer of translation going on here that confuses things for sure. 

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are spotlighting Morty Morkle from the Division of Dionysia for partying non-stop. They can never stop partying in that Division. Never. Not entirely. Someone always has to keep the torch lit. The torch is a metaphor for the party. Morty Morkle is that person, and he has been nonstop jamming out for ten years now. Thank you for what you do, Morty Morkle. 

(RInging)

CORIN: I guess I’ll answer it. Soundman, why do we have a phone in here? Especially such a noisy one. No, I know what diegetic means.

VIOLET: I, uh, I’m a board member of 40 companies now.

CORIN: Violet, you knew not to do that.

VIOLET: (surprised with herself) I was socializing so hard, Corin. I won. I beat them all. I beat every single one of them at their own game. I… I control it all, Corin. I’m in charge of the social scene for all of the Evil socialites. All of the old money. All of the old Evil. I won it all. I’m better at socializing. 

CORIN: And you’ve invoked the poison pill.

VIOLET: I am required to act in the best interest of Kakos Industries as a board member of all of these companies from now on. My own personal stake exists as only a proxy.

CORIN: I’m sorry, Violet. You knew the rules. 

VIOLET: At least I made a lot of money. 

CORIN: What are you going to use it for? You aren’t going to retire. Or take a vacation.

VIOLET: (pause) Well, it looks nice in my bank account. Feels nice to have it. It means I won, right?

CORIN: Did you have fun at the parties?

VIOLET: I won. Right? That’s what matters.

CORIN: You won. Congrats.

VIOLET: It was worth it. Definitely. 

CORIN: Talk to you later, Violet.

They say that Evil once added even more sugar to the packaged meal, killing the whole damn town. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we’re taking credit for cable lines, cell phone towers, and the feeling of connection that feels just out of reach. Of course, we can’t know for sure that we did all of these things, but we did. Don’t doubt. Don’t think. Don’t worry your pretty little head. We’ll do the thinking for you. No more thinking. Shush. Shush.

Mirna has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Mirna’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Edelweiss Gertrudino Kielbasa Burk, or EGKB for short. We gave the wheel of misery of comfy spin and it landed on the space for Sarcastic. From this day forward, EGKB will be 46% more sarcastic. Will they mean what they’re saying? We will have no idea, and neither will they. For Evil measure, Mirna will be 13% less sarcastic, which translates to earnestness and that’s a whole other can of worms. Congratulations on the win and best of luck. 

Speaking of the Wheel of Misery, The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team tasked with making the Wheel’s dictates come true, are currently going around the building wearing someone else’s hair. How do we know it’s someone else’s hair? Well, you can tell visually. It’s pretty obvious. How do we know it’s not hair from anyone on the Damnation and Ruination Squad? Rigorous genetic testing. They’ve definitely done worse.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. In a few moments, the guy standing in front of you, seemingly reciting these announcements will wake up a bit confused. I have some important instructions for you that you must follow when that happens. When the confused look sets in, you must pat the guy on the arm and say “Hey, you can’t win ‘em all, right?” And when he begins to nod, say “hang in there.” Then you can say whatever you want as a goodbye, and get away from him as soon as possible. You do not need to destroy him. Well, shareholders, I feel like we still have a lot of questions, or at least I do. We’ll keep chipping away at them, I’m sure. The numbers are next.

14

33

56

98

14

3

5

6

9

14

2

153

7

6

4

4

1

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, one you can’t miss this year or you’ll regret it.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who flipped the table back right side up. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit the stones that will go in the senter of the zen spirals in their sandscape. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a horse-drawn plow that tears and scratches at the earth in an unholy fashion. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased the flickering of the fluorescent lights ever so slightly, putting many employees on edge.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed A Whole Bucket of Fucking Noodles. “One size fits all, and then some. 11/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “The World’s Noisiest Foods”. The final page contains the details to combine all of the dishes into a single wall of edible sound.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by calling an all-hands meeting where the organizer is thirty minutes late. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is now considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. RIght now, they’re just listening to samples of people scratching things with other things. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that can only be played ten times before it detonates. There is no counter on the card. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked eleven depressed orangutans. The depression makes them a lot easier to stack. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the Division of Chaos. It was a flex. They just wanted to show how well they can nap anywhere. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you, try learning something new about animals.