In which Corin has trouble finding answers, your breath gets a lot fresher, the Spooky Finger is no more, and Lissy “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Kakos Industries is ad free. To help keep it that way, consider heading to Kakos Industries.com/patreon and pledging a dollar or more a month.

What you are about to hear is gonna finally do it for you.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Last time, shareholders, we all dipped our toes in the world of Evil high society, the events and goings ons of the people at the top rung of Evil. As I emphasized last time, that doesn’t mean that they are wealthy, but it often does. For all of its perceived faults, Evil can make you extraordinarily wealthy if applied correctly. We also learned that the Evil high society really sucks. Still, I think I have a lot to learn there. We’ll get back to that soon. Let’s begin the announcements.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a particularly refreshing mint. When you got to your designated listening space today, you found, neatly wrapped in front of you, this particularly refreshing mint. The packaging made it look irresistible, even if you’re the sort of person who usually doesn’t go for mints. It looked like just the sort of mint that you would enjoy. And you have enjoyed it. In fact, you have found yourself so refreshed that you weren’t paying attention to exactly when or how these announcements began. You were distracted by just how cool and powerful the mint was. And that is where we needed you. I can’t get too deep into the details about exactly how this radio works or how the mint is broadcasting anything, but it’s refreshingness is tied directly to your perception of these words in this moment. Try to savor the mint. Try to avoid the instinct to crush it in your teeth. Try to prevent yourself from swallowing it whole. We need you to keep enjoying it. This radio comes to us as a collaboration between our Division of Flavor Acoustics and Damian’s Mints. When you need a mint, a mint from Damians is a mint. I should emphasize that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you are not a shareholder, you will need to spit this mint into the mouth of the shareholder nearby. It is their mint after all. Give it back. Otherwise, you will need to do something to become Evil as quickly as possible to earn that mint. Ironically, spitting a mint into the mouth of someone else counts as Evil, at which point  you would then be behind in listening to the announcements, but maybe there is another mint somewhere nearby.

We recently had the Festivals of Somnambulation, Fertility, and Barbecue. As I promised, the celebration of Somnambulation was its own separate thing, and then we combined the two other festivals for simplicity’s sake. The Festival of Somnambulation was all about moonwalking this year. I have to tell you, shareholders, you did moonwalk, even if you don’t think you know how. We made sure of it. We made it happen. We taught you in your sleeping state and you were amazing. Really, just fantastic. Unfortunately, when you awoke the next day, you didn’t remember how to do this complicated dance move, that is, unless you already knew how to do it in your waking state. We have video of you pulling it off, though. We’ll send it to you. You can appreciate how great you look dancing, and also how frustrating it is that you can’t be that person all the time.

The Festival of Fertility went like a lot of past festivals of fertility. We cooked up some special genetics, packaged those genetics up in some synthetic sperm, and then we loaded that sperm into a semi-living creature to give it to anyone who wanted to conceive. This year, the creature was “a well-hung whale” and we suspended it from the ceiling in the basement ballroom to stretch the phrase as far as it could go. At the appointed time, it just started to spray that stuff everywhere, making sure to get it in every nook and cranny. When it was drained, and all of you who wanted to conceive had the chance, we took it down and barbecued it. We did receive some complaints that it didn’t taste like real whale, but we ignored those complaints. You get what you get sometimes. 

Coming up, we have the festival of books, where the more introverted of you can peruse our secret selection of salacious titles, and, time willing, become so overcome with your desires that you pair off and make some weird decisions. I am told that this year we will be bringing out one of the sexiest books of all time. It’s titled Drain Me Daddy Vampire. I understand that it was originally written to be a self-published romantasy cash grab, but the author, one Kelly Ookster, accidentally stumbled into some hardcore worldbuilding and lorecrafting that made the book actually too dangerous for most casual readers. We do have a copy, and some notes about the sequel that will probably never be arriving.

We also have Halloween coming up. Isn’t that exciting? Halloween is, of course, one of our favorite holidays here at Kakos Industries, and we go all out. It is second only to perhaps the Shareholders’ Ball, but it has far more ways to be enjoyed. We will have music and dancing. We will have costume contests. We will have scares if you’re after them. We will have movies if you watch them. We will have alcohol, special versions of alcohol that don’t suck, drugs, other drugs, mind-altering forms of light, and a form of infrasound that makes you feel extra groovy. We are hoping that nothing stupid happens, but, you know, it’s not really in our control, and fighting with the things you can’t control is ill-advised. Come what may, we shall party. 

So there has been something that my grandfather said in one of his recordings that stuck with me. There’s this idea that there are people who know the information I want, but they can’t tell me. And they can’t tell me for reasons that perhaps they don’t themselves understand. I have been having some trouble recently even explaining what it is I’m looking for. It seems so obvious. So obvious that it’s almost embarrassing just to ask the question. So… I won’t. But we all know that I’m searching. We all have things that we want to know. But I thought I wouldn’t just take it for granted that people wouldn’t tell me, so I started to ask. Sometimes it was a bit roundabout, sure, but I did ask. I talked to Grace. She explained very carefully that she has to follow rules if she expects anyone else to, and that meant that divulging any information to me was strictly out of the question. I spoke with a few other people who might have that kind of information in various divisions and a few of them just dissociated for a minute and then forgot what we were talking about. This stuff really goes that deep. 

I also got a few more invitations to Evil events. One of the events says that they are cordially inviting me to “A Murder.” It’s not a murder mystery party or anything like that. It appears to just be an actual murder. I don’t know if they’re bringing someone in, or if they’re going to pick from the crowd.

JUNIOR: Hello, Corin, you asked me to join you today. I’m sure it’s to talk about The Scene.

CORIN: I did ask you to join me. Shareholders, you know Junior. He’s a monster and a consultant here, and my relative. Junior, what do you mean by the scene?

JUNIOR: The Evil scene, Corin. What you’ve been calling high society.

CORIN: I don’t feel like it’s a scene. People don’t join it for stylistic reasons. It feels like it’s the furthest thing from punk.

JUNIOR: The Evil scene is what it is, Corin, but it can be fantastic.

CORIN: You were part of the Evil scene?

JUNIOR: Why, yes, I was.

CORIN: How?

JUNIOR: I’ll pretend that question isn’t coming from a place of prejudice against monsters and simply say that when I was younger, given my status here at Kakos Industries, there was quite a bit of interest in me.

CORIN: In my defense, at none of these events have I seen a single monster. I mean, I’ve seen loads of monsters in the metaphorical sense, but no one who seemed to the eye to be of monstrous origin.

JUNIOR: Many monsters are human-passing, you know. But you are right that the scene has some of its own problematic qualities.

CORIN: It’s nothing but problematic qualities.

JUNIOR: I used to get letters all of the time requesting my presence for a party or for a date. And of course, I would always go.

CORIN: How did that go?

JUNIOR: Well, this was before my reduction, Corin, so it was definitely harder to attend in person. Sometimes the entrances to the buildings weren’t large enough. Sometimes they would object to me eating an entire tray of shrimp. Sometimes my dates would make excuses and leave earlier. But not always, Corin. Not always. Sometimes I was exactly what they were looking for. The most Evil creature they had ever seen. And they loved me. Some of the parties were incredible. Sometimes it felt like I was the guest of honor. I remember the dancing. It was the closest humans ever got to the dancing at Monster Kakos. They were aware of the importance of the bulge. I don’t think I ever got as much attention from the eligible singles than I did when I was part of the scene.

CORIN: I’m surprised to learn about this, Junior. I really thought you would have stayed away from all of that.

JUNIOR: You really thought they would have shunned me, you mean.

CORIN: That has more to do with them than it does to do with you. 

JUNIOR: Ultimately, I was not a great fit for their community. But we had our fun.

CORIN: Fair enough.

JUNIOR: Does that answer all of your questions, Corin?

CORIN: Well, no.

JUNIOR: I see. You didn’t ask me here to talk about The Scene.

CORIN: I didn’t. 

JUNIOR: You want answers.

CORIN: You know some things.

JUNIOR: I know a great many things. I have some excellent assumptions as well. You know, I’m quite skilled at putting things together.

CORIN: Tell me.

JUNIOR: You know I can’t.

CORIN: Why not?

JUNIOR: A number of reasons.

CORIN: The first one being they messed with your head?

JUNIOR: The first one being love, Corin. As much as we might butt heads, you are family. You deserve respect.

CORIN: Wouldn’t respect mean telling me?

JUNIOR: The information you seek would not help you.

CORIN: We’ll see about that.

JUNIOR: We will not. And to be fair, I wouldn’t want to send you on any wild goose chases. I know some things, sure, but most of what I have come to understand has been through hints, suspicious coincidences, and overheard conversations. I couldn’t say much for certain. 

CORIN: You could give me a clue.

JUNIOR: I wouldn’t dare.

CORIN: Why?

JUNIOR: Because it could lead you down some very dangerous paths, Corin. It could destroy you. As much as I may hate to admit it, I prefer you undestroyed. 

CORIN: What if not knowing destroys me?

JUNIOR: I am able to do the calculations, Corin. You seem to forget my massive intellect. You seem to forget just how much smarter I am than you. The simple fact is that you are better off not knowing. Wondering killed the wombat, you know. 

CORIN: I knew that this would be difficult, but I didn’t think the hardest part would be you refusing to tell me anything.

JUNIOR: If I thought it would help, I wouldn’t hesitate.

CORIN: Thanks for dropping by, Junior.

JUNIOR: You will forgive me, you know. It might take some time, but you will.

CORIN: Of course.

JUNIOR: Ta.

Let’s move on, shareholders. 

It’s time for today’s Q&A segment. This is that segment where we take your questions and answer them. Whether it’s the answer you were looking for or not is not our problem. Today’s question is: What are the best lounges at Kakos Industries? That is a great question and it mostly depends on what kind of lounge you want. Employee Lounge 1 is the largest and busiest. It’s on the second floor and it overlooks the lobby. At least usually it does. It does for now. Who knows what the future holds. You can usually find some pretty interesting people there. It’s where a lot of employees stop on their way out of the building for a quick snack or drink or just chat. The Lounge Lounge is the lounge where the lounges go when they need a break, so sometimes you’ll find a lounge right around there that you haven’t seen in a while. Different vending machines. Sometimes some real throwbacks in terms of beverages and snacks. Kind of stale. Like the lounge was somewhere inaccessible for a while. It happens. Then there’s the Deluxe Lounge for employees deluxe. It has a sauna and bottle service. How do you become an employee deluxe? It’s a monthly fee. I don’t know what you were expecting me to say. My personal favorite is Lounge 4, which is usually on the top floor, whatever number that happens to be, and it provides an outstanding view of whatever you can see from up there. If you know, you know. And if you don’t, then I’d highly recommend a trip to the top floor of the building. We haven’t lost the entire top floor in a long time, so there shouldn’t be any serious danger. 

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences, the division responsible for advancements and innovations in human sexuality and pleasure. After what were described as several serious “stubbings” they have decided to put the question of what is most sex aside for a while again. Work continues on the satisficer, the sex toy that is intended to satisfy any need for any person, though there have been some high profile departures from the division. It seems that abandoning the obviously lofty goal of being able to satisfy everyone everywhere with a single device all at once left a sour taste in the mouths of some employees who quit. The remaining employees decided that the device would be satisfactory if it could meet a slightly more limited criteria set: It should be able to satisfy any one person in any way that a single partner could do. This is definitely more limited in scope, but the division has not yet stopped arguing about what that archetypal single partner is like. Humanoid is a popular choice, of course, but there are some more exotic tastes involving a single partner who is much, much more than any human. They are hashing it out. It seems likely that human partner will not be the goal as most vibrating toys are already more capable at times than a human, but human with ten thousand arms is probably pushing it. Probably more concerning is that the part of the team who wanted the nearly infinite device have not been assigned to other teams and they have been basically lost in the system. They could be doing anything. Rogue teams are almost never a great thing for obvious reasons. 

I have news from Hell, our labor camp under the ground designed to make living people suffer in ways similar to people who might end up in a metaphysical hell. The Division of Anthropology, as I mentioned in previous broadcasts, has taken a strong interest in what’s going on with the development of some sort of new religion and spirituality that is developing. So far, they have been studying these glowing figurines that the laborers have been carving, but they decided to send a humanoid robot down to the labor camp to get closer to the action. So far, the robot has been able to observe that the laborers have these chants that they do while breaking rocks. They are related to sea shanties in some ways. They synchronize their movements while keeping morale up. The issue is that the shanties are not in a language that we know of. It’s possible that it is a new language used solely by the people in the labor camp. That would be weird. You would expect that their languages would just grow together, like some sort of Antarctic accent. We are working on decoding it. I reached out to Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in the Hell labor camp, and she replied to me. Her note says “Oh, yeah, they just started doing that. Not the foggiest.” I will have to trust that she is being honest with me about not knowing what’s going on. That does make things a bit more interesting, though. Where are they learning this language? What do the words mean? There is a lot to study here. Potentially, anyway. The humanoid robot seems to be working well so far. The laborers are ignoring all of the inquiries that the robot makes, though. Some are theorizing that they don’t understand the language it’s speaking anymore, but that is a fringe hypothesis at this point. I will keep you posted.

I have some more news about The Donut, the strange rock I found deep inside a pool of Matmos. For brief moments, our scientists are able to create a hybrid slurry of Matmos and Donut dust that exhibits brand new properties. If this is the case, then we can see why maybe the Matmos didn’t want it down there. The particles of the Donut are ejected from the Matmos samples pretty quickly. I understand that employees who have the Matmos in them felt briefly ill and reported hearing a low voice mumbling during that time. This is definitely unusual, but obvious warrants further study. 

I know that many of you are curious about the ongoing attempts of Kimmie, an employee? of Kakos Industries, and Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the Matmos. They tend to just sit around and try to do as little as possible. They’re not watching anything or doing any of the stuff that you might do on a day off. They’re just existing, like human moss. Anyway, they’re cute and weird and a lot of people are into it, including Kimmie. She tried to befriend them using the Matmos, but that didn’t get her very far. I think in truth part of the problem is just how boring Clarissa and Hedera are. Sure, they’re cute and broody and whatnot, but they are about as interesting as houseplants. They are capable of conversations and things of that nature through the Matmos connection they share, but they aren’t really doing anything all that exciting. Well, they weren’t until Kimmie figured out how to use the Matmos to sort of puppet them around. She can exert some sort of energy through the connection that allows her to make their bodies move. And so she has. She has taken videos of them dancing to popular music. She has made them hop down the halls like rabbits. She has made them play sports. She can’t control them for long, but it’s long enough. Clarissa and Hedera can’t actually be seen to have any reaction at all or their whole image would be ruined, so they can’t get mad. They can’t complain. They just have to move around for ten minutes or so as Kimmie directs them and they collapse back into the pile they were in before. Like I said, they’re really not that interesting. Kimmie was doing this every day, but it appears that she has disappeared again. I don’t think Clarissa and Hedera had anything to do with it. Like I said, they’re pretty passive as far as people go. Or any kind of animal for that matter. Except, like, filter feeders.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment recently reenacted Vwootch versus Sklatscher. We all remember the original for its excessive amount of skrrooom-pow with way too much skidoosh-kablow. Everything was all Kabowowoom, and then at the end there was only rubble. Well, the Division of Kaiju Battle reenactment managed to capture every bit of that excitement, including the baddoomsh. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has finally opened the music box left to them by the division that came before them. The music I am told is horrible. They are investigating the mechanism of the music box to see if there are any issues, but it is a music box and not a key, so it’s low priority as of right now.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies and their efforts to court both The Church of Diuretics and The Siblinghood of the Spooky Finger. I have here a report from Winston Marple, one of our team infiltrating the Church of Diuretics. “It’s so much piss. I’m a guy who likes piss, and it’s too much piss. It’s just everywhere all the time. You go nose blind to it. People just piss as part of common rituals. It’s happening all the time. You have to stay hydrated at all times, and you have to keep up with the diuretics or you simply can’t do the day to day activities. It’s so much piss. Can I please go home?” The answer to his question is “not until you’ve destroyed them.” The answer to your question, shareholders is “don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.” As for the Siblinghood of the Spooky Finger, there was apparently a ritual where Kendra Merck was asked to kiss the Spooky Finger itself. She bit it off and swallowed it, which was both disgusting and gangster as fuck. Everyone just scattered. Secret society over. You gotta take those wins.

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are honoring Kendra Merck, who, as I just mentioned, destroyed the Siblinghood of the Spooky Finger. Not every employee is ready to do what it takes when an opportunity arises. Not every employee has it in them to bite a finger clean off. Kendra is that special mix of determined, crazy, and loyal that we value most around here. Thank you, Kendra, for you hard work, and please stop asking the Division of Organs for their leftover fingers. They don’t have any leftover fingers. They need to use all of those. If you have an insatiable appetite for fingers now, then you’d better find your own, like everybody else does.

They say that Evil once sat on your cheeseburger. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for round shapes, beasts of burden, and Big Fat Donkey asses on little old men. That’s what the paper in front of me says. Okay. Well, yeah. We did those things. You probably shouldn’t disagree with that if you know what’s best for you. Seriously. Be careful with those disagreements. They can cut you worse than a knife. 

Lissy has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Lissy’s Nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Gryphon McManticore. We gave the Wheel of Misery a big ol’ spin and it landed on the space for hydrophobic. From this day forward, Gryphon McManticore will be 48% more hydrophobic than before. Don’t even try bringing Gryphon McManticore around water. It will be an issue. A serious problem. A panic inducing experience. It’s just not worth it. For Evil measure, Lissy will lust for the sea 17% more. Lissy  won’t be able to ignore that strong desire to swim and to be wet. Congratulations on the win and best of luck. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team responsible for making the Wheel of Misery’s dictates come true, has recently been doing their job around Kakos Industries wearing powdered sugar. It’s a sticky situation no matter how you look at it.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. Obviously, I am still quite frustrated at my inability to find what it is I want to. I have to persevere, knowing that the information I’m after has to be here somewhere. People know, they just can’t tell me. At least, they haven’t been able to tell me so far. Anyway, that mint you’ve been sucking on is nearly gone. Don’t swallow it, but let it sort of dissolve. Or spit it out if you have to. Just don’t swallow it. That would be a mistake. Probably should have said so at the top of the announcements. My apologies. The numbers are next.

9

9

0

9

8

9

8

0

45

45

63

63

72

72

1

4

5

4

5

4

4

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a card house with nothing to lose.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries. We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Tooley and Kristina Kirkland. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who emptied the bin and washed the filter. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit a series of more serious pests that have been slowly eradicating the gardens they have knit. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has been showing off their magnetic knob sketching toy called the Evilosketch. No matter what you try to draw, you will end up drawing something gruesome. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has reduce the height of everyone’s keys on the keyboards by a tenth of a millimeter, saving seconds each day..  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed It’s Thai Food. “It actually isn’t Thai food. It’s everything else. 13/21”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “The World’s Fastest Meals”. It aims to fill you up as quickly as possible. Often in less than a minute.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by replacing all of the carpets with new, smellier carpets. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has been considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They seem to be leaning towards dissonant jazz at the moment.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that just has your current feeling written on it. You win the game if you play it, but the embarrassment may not be survivable. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked seventy sea cucumbers. They’re in kind of a pyramid, but it works.. The Division of Cereals, directed by Emily Reynolds has introduced Burning Hot Wheat Squares. If you were afraid your cereal didn’t have enough spice, well, it might now. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the big fan room. Apparently the white noise has just lulled them right to sleep. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark, try spending All your money on modular synthesizing  gear to make ambient jams.