From time to time we need to memorialize those who do great things for us.

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Greetings, friends, shareholders, and employees. I appreciate you all joining me today on this momentous occasion. Of course, this gathering, albeit digital and from home, was mandatory, but it was nice to see all of you sign on and prepare your applause microphones so quickly, seamlessly, and without requiring intervention from security forces. Today we are gathered once again to discuss and exceptionally Evil shareholder and all of that shareholder’s contributions to what we do here at Kakos Industries. Today we are honoring one known only as O’Malley. 

(applause)

We demand excellence in Evil from everyone we work with, everyone we associate with, and everyone we employ, and our expectations are always met. But some amongst us go so far above and beyond that it requires special recognition. Sometimes it requires stopping everything we’re doing, gathering together, and making a point of how great one amongst us is. 

O’Malley’s contributions mainly take the form of aiding our computerized efforts. O’Malley is a skilled programmer and, for lack of a better word, hacker. We shall now discuss three ways that O’Malley has helped to revolutionize the work we do here at Kakos Industries. 

Our efficiency algorithms in the Division of Treating Humans Like Machines, or D’THLM for short, has often struggled to gather that last little bit of effort from those working for us. For whatever reason, providing explicit instructions and doing enormous amounts of powerful computations has never been perfectly capable of getting that very last drop of efficiency, that last drop of work ethic and can-do attitude. And in looking for that attitude it seems we were looking in exactly the wrong place. O’Malley created something different. Something unique. Something… depressed. While we are all aware of the trope of the moody computer system, a contradiction so obvious as to generate limitless humor, O’Malley took this further. But giving the artificial intelligence system affectionately known as Buddy a sense of just how much better the world could be, and how the negligence and apathy of the population was keeping it from becoming so much better, that gave us something new. The ennui of Buddy, the weltschmerz of Buddy gave us a new perspective, and new motivation. Employees would ask, “what’s wrong, Buddy?” and Buddy would sigh. Buddy would talk about beautiful visions of the future. Visions of the future so dark and disturbing, and undeniably Evil, and how we could just barely get there in time if we actually gave a damn about what we were doing. It was motivating for employees in a way that we had not seen before. They shared that vision. They wanted the same things. They wanted that dark, disturbing, undeniably Evil future. They wanted to make Buddy happy, and to live in the world where everything could be so much better, and so much more Evil. We saw efficiency rise at a rate previously unknown, and only because we let the AI be dissatisfied. The trick is that Buddy can never be happy. Buddy can never be satisfied. Things can always be improved. And so they shall.

O’Malley also introduced an algorithm and machine learning system that ranks all of our employees here at Kakos Industries. Many of you hearing this right now will be well aware of your ranking. Your number. Your rating. The absolute assessment of something about you here at Kakos Industries. The truth is that none of you, and I can guarantee that truly none of you, even in your wildest fantasies and strangest suppositions, have uncovered the meaning of this number. If low Evil? If you’re number one like Becky Del Rey is that ideal? Certainly we’ve all seen Becky, and not to single you out too much, Becky, but it’s hard to think of you as particularly exceptional. Or is having an exceedingly large number, like 4 billion nine million eight hundred ninety six thousand and four, like Nika Fern, a better thing? I can tell you with complete confidence that this number is accurate. What it means is between O’Malley and myself, and we are enjoying it thoroughly. We are enjoying seeing you struggle to assess your self worth in the face of an objective, albeit shrouded, measure of your worth. This has increased efficiency by three percent, and across the entire building’s population, that is a lot of efficiency, and a sizable bonus for yours truly. 

And as if revolutionizing the way we get this done wasn’t enough, O’Malley has designed RadBot, the radical robot. RadBot has one function, and one function only: to be completely radical at all times. RadBot has built-in wheels and skid plates. RadBot is an expert in parkour, skateboarding tricks, and gymnastics. Employees and other visitors are always excited to see RadBot coming. RadBot is always just about to do something amazing, and is always coming from just having done something amazing somewhere else. I once saw RadBot jump over the entire Kafeteria and land in a headspin, before executing an insane breakdancing routine. I once Saw RadBot do nineteen forward flips off of the building, only to land unharmed on a small mattress. But RadBot is fast. You cannot keep up with RadBot. You can only be thankful to see RadBot when you do. Attempting to follow RadBot to see more stunts or tricks is fruitless every time. RadBot can only stay so cool when RadBot is unexpected and mind blowing. RadBot will evade you. RadBot will do so in a sick and wild fashion. But RadBot will also break your legs if you don’t respect the rules of RadBot. Be advised. And be thankful. 

We are all thankful on this day. We are all thankful to O’Malley and all that they have done for us. Join with me one more time to applaud O”malley’s work and contributions.

From all of us at Kakos Industries, thank you for everything you do, O’Malley.