episodes

70 – Metamorphoses

in which you learn about all of the companies not helping their clients to Do Evil Better, you get reprimanded for your terrible behavior at the Pie Festival, you remember being covered in the blood of South American mammals, something happens to Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations Volume 11, you might turn to goo, Hell introduces a new diet fad, you might find yourself buying a whole lot of fireworks, and The Malaclypse “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear is not actually in a language you speak.

Greetings from Kakos Industries, the only company on Earth that specializes in helping our clients to Do Evil Better. Those other companies might think that they’re helping their clients to Do Evil Better, but they’re wrong. There’s Melantha’s company, which has never consistently outperformed ours. Then there’s Marty’s Evil Emporium, which is a joke. Let’s see, there’s eVil inc., which tried to get in on the technological revolution by spelling their name with a lowercase e and a capital v. Their stock dropped harder than pets.com after the bubble, as did the value of their shareholders as people. I’m not sure their company or their shareholders still exist. Let’s not forget Darker and Darker Holdings. They’re too secretive to subject themselves to any metric of success. And they’re really more interested in owning Evil than making Evil any eviler. I’m not even sure I know who’s running that company anymore. They have strict rules about murdering their CEO when things don’t go well, and I’ve heard things have not gone well two or three times in the last year or so. Yet there’s always someone willing to step up. At Kakos Industries, we don’t like failure, but we respect it as a necessary part of improving. Then there’s all of the not-so-capitalist Evils, like the DarkMegaUSSR and the Kingdom of Evilon, but they’re so backwards they couldn’t hope to compete. Then there’s the Church of Crumbs, but fuck those guys. Seriously. So Kakos Industries is the only company that really helps its clients to Do Evil Better. For those of you who are new today, I am CEO of Kakos Industries, Corin Deeth III. There should have been a picture of me in the pamphlet you got with your new shareholders care package. I’m giving the finger guns because I’m a cool, laid back guy. Just a cool laid back guy with a ton of responsibilities. Like, so many responsibilities.

Today’s broadcast is coming to your from the limited tape-only release of Hip Tang Banana’s new album The Taste of It All. Of course, Hip Tang Banana does not exist as a band. At least not at this moment. I suppose we could have made a band by that name, but we didn’t. Anyway, the tape contains a small radio receiver attached to what is essentially a cassette adapter. You ran home right away, so excited to find this amazing limited release, and in the street of all places, to play it on your all analog system that you have been building out of only the best reviewed pieces of vintage and modern gear available. What? You don’t remember doing that? You don’t actually care about your sound system that much? And you think a tape release is kind of antiquated and strange considering how far digital audio has come? That’s odd. Because the transmitter is definitely in the tape. Not the stereo. Huh. I am told that the sound quality of the tape is pretty good. Maybe a little saturation. Nothing major. But you should be hearing me well enough. As always, this broadcast is only for Kakos Industries Shareholders. If you are not a shareholder, then this tape is capable permanently altering your taste in music and you may find yourself thinking that anything listened to by more than 100 people is too mainstream. Enjoy your danger noise, aggro black metal MIDI, and compilations of people retching to the tune of public domain music.

Shareholders, I have to say that I am disappointed in your behavior at the pie festival. I didn’t get to try a single pie before the whole event devolved into a food fight. The pies that people spent so many hours making before the event were all thrown about as if they were water balloons. To be fair, one of the pies did have empty water balloons in it, but it was not intended to be thrown. It was intended to exist as an affront to all goodness and to make us gag. Some of the judges walked around and tried pieces of pie off of the ground, but it was pretty clear that we would not be able to determine a winner with any certainty, so we cancelled the event. The euphemistic pie tasting next door received record attendees this year after all the pies were thrown and everyone got bored. We are looking into who started the food fight and we will be levying all punishments for everyone’s misdeeds on that one person. We’ve narrowed the list down to three potential perpetrators, but we’re not yet ready to release their names. We’re having too much fun watching the conspiracy theorists on their internet forums blame it on immigrants for now.

Shareholders, you made up for your behavior at the pie festival with your exceptional behavior at this year’s Shareholders’ Ball. You feasted. You napped. You took way too many party stimulants and found yourselves dancing, having a great time, having a nervous breakdown, and talking way too loudly about how self-conscious you were beginning to feel. You enjoyed Demonic Funk Expansion and their hours of tunes that broke down all of your sexual reservations as a person and allowed you to be your real self in the pile of sex that developed on the dance floor. Clothes were cast aside. The sprinkler heads above us began spraying the cuy blood all over us. The half-fish people were wheeled out in a big tank. Many of you, in fact most of you, got busy with at least one of the half-fish people. They really like us for some reason. And they also don’t seem to have as many sexual hang ups as us surface dwellers. They seem to live in tribal societies, and sharing is the norm. Hailey attended the festivities and collected a pile of totally spent sexual partners beside her as the night went on, as expected. Helena was also there, but I don’t have blanket permission to talk about her sex life, so I’ll leave it at that. At one point I was cornered by my two secretaries that don’t actually do any work. You might remember that they were hired to take care of my sexual needs as they might arise, which was news to me at the time. I’ve been accused of being too reserved. Not during the Shareholders’ Ball, mind you, but other times. Like when I’m working. I’m told it’s unbecoming of a Kakos Industries CEO. And these extraneous secretaries were hired to try to fix that situation. When I say that they cornered me, what I mean to say is that I was in the corner “celebrating” with someone when they walked over. One of them just shook her head at me, while the other chose to scream “What’s wrong with me?” before running off. I didn’t realize that not having sex with them was having such a negative psychological effect. I’ll have to talk to Bernice about that. It’s just… I don’t know. At the Shareholders’ Ball, we all meet at the same level. We’re all naked. We’re all covered in flavored animal blood. You can’t always tell who someone is. And it’s equal. I just find it can be kind of overwhelming when everyone expects you to dominate them all the time, okay? I should probably learn their names. Soundman Steven is indicating that… they’re both named Tabitha? But my actual secretary is named Tabitha. Well no fucking wonder I couldn’t tell them apart. Beside that one negative experience, I still had a fantastic time. Let it never be said that you shareholders are not generous, sensuous, and intuitive lovers.

Between Demonic Funk Expansion’s sets was Fettsteen Laxon’s poetic interlude. You see, shareholders, we allow you to reserve spaces to do these sorts of things. Public art, etc. And obviously, we know when the Shareholders’ Ball is going to be and we don’t let people have the basement ballroom on those days. But it seems that Fettsteen (he changed his name yet again) had reserved not the room, but the backup stage that is normally not in the basement ballroom. We had to use it because of problems with the stage that is usually in there. It was disassembled and replaced with the backup one. As a result, we had no choice but to honor this reservation. Even though it was in the middle of everything. Well, it didn’t seem to stop anyone from partying anyway.

Speaking of half-fish people, I am also told that the quarter-fish babies have been delivered finally. They have share some of the coloring of their fish side, but their fins appear to be much smaller. They are infants, however, so this study will take some time to conduct.

Before I can get into exactly what the upcoming festivals are, I should tell you that something strange happened regarding Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations Volume 11. Someone spilled water on it. It doesn’t matter who. We’re not pointing any fingers here. It was assumed that the text was ruined and it was left outside to dry to salvage whatever was left. Obviously, there are copies, and Grace has the whole thing committed to memory. But then the rule book began to grow a strange film around it. It grew slimy, then hard. It developed a cocoon. Just like a butterfly. The book dissolved inside as it began to change and take a new form. We have never seen anything like this. We sampled the goo from inside. It was salty. After about a week in this state, the cocoon dissolved and we were left with another book. Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations Volume 10.5. Yes. It went back a half volume in the process. You might think that there are ordinarily ten volumes and volume 11 was an extra the whole time, but you would be wrong. Nearly all of the Kakos Industries rules are in one volume, Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations. It is an enormous book. The only person I’ve ever seen lift the whole thing solo is Grace Rule. Then there’s Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations Volume 3, which mainly regulates certain regional things. For example, DarkMegaScotch has to be made in DarkMegaScotland. DarkMegaTequila has to come from the DarkMegaTequila region. DarkMegaBurgundy has to be made from fermented breakfast cereal in a bathtub in DarkMegaBurgundy. There is no Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations Volume 2. Don’t ask. So finding Volume 11 made us a little uneasy. Perhaps there were more rulebooks. We can’t find any record of there being more, but who knows. Now that the rulebook has turned into another, earlier volume, we are even more baffled. Grace has verified its authenticity and has taken to memorizing it and analyzing it for secret truths. But it also comes with its own new celebrations. Coming up, we now have the Celebration of Affirmation. The description reads “Come on down and get affirmed!” So… come on down and get affirmed.

Ordinarily at this time, we would celebrate, or at least think about the Big Black Hole that was left when our New York Location was destroyed. Well… the big black hole is no longer a hole in a the traditional sense. It’s more like a donut hole. And by that I mean it is now an outie. It’s a cylinder of dirt sticking up out of the ground. So… we’re not going to celebrate it. We are, as of yet, unsure if the dirt is from Costa Rica or not.

I am told that some of you shareholders have recently undergone metamorphoses of your own thanks to the Festival of Genes. Unlike butterflies and our rulebook, when you turned to goo, you did not retain any of your properties for later reconstitution. Instead, you turned to goo and stayed goo. We are still unsure of whether or not that goo is sentient, which is why we’re still referring to the goo as shareholders in this company. We are also unsure if the goo is the result of the Junior cocktail of genetics, or Dr. Dunkelwissen’s idea of what a sexy alien should look like. We will probably never know, as the goo no longer contains DNA of any kind.

I have news from Hell and Mistress Meredith Gorgoro, the fitness trainer and torture expert responsible for maximizing the workers’ potential. She has apparently developed a way for the helots to move heavy objects just by digesting. I understand that, once the worker has been totally exhausted and can no longer move anything, even by kegeling, they are then given a chain to swallow. The other end of the chain is attached to a heavy weight. The worker is secured in position, and as they move the end of the chain through their body, the heavy weight is pulled closer to them. When the weight reaches the mouth of the worker, the chain is severed, pulled out from the rear, and the worker is given yet another to swallow until they recuperate enough to get back to work. If there is a muscle in the human body that Meredith cannot use to move heavy weights, I’m not sure what it is. For entertainment, I’m told she’s working on a tug o’ war variant.

I am told that women everywhere have been getting More Vagina. And by that, I mean the cosmetic service offered by The Division of Unnecessary Beauty fads. I have now finally seen what this service does. I can tell you that it is indeed more. Other description eludes me. I’d… I’d give it a go, I guess.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. They have finally decoded all of the ancient sexual texts that they had, bringing a number of new positions and maneuvers into the modern era. I am told that they are all basically impossible because many of them require more hip flexibility than our bodies can ever have, seeds from plants that are long extinct, or blood from animals that we have never heard of or discovered in the fossil record. They have discovered one that we can do, but I’m told it requires “a whole lot of sparklers”. Not really my thing. I am now told that they are beginning work on drugs that will dramatically increase the sexual appetites of anyone taking the drugs. I am… cautiously optimistic. I know that our divisions relating to sex have a certain reputation, but if Director Aashna can’t do it, then I don’t know who can.

They say that the greatest Evil is physical pain. That sounds like a challenge. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for chrome yetis, laser-squatches, and neon unicorns. This time, we can actually know for certain that we are responsible for these things because we definitely did do them. And they are loose. This is our way of letting you know that they are loose. Sneaking it in. Getting the news out without you getting bored. That’s how we do it. So watch out. If you happen to disagree that we are responsible for these things, then you are just as susceptible to all of them as we are, but they can smell your dissent. Be careful.

The Malaclypse has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of The Malaclypse’s nemesis will be ruined. Malaclypse, huh? Is that like a nickname? There’s no more information. Anyway, The Malaclypse has selected Jang Frazang as their nemesis. The Wheel of Misery spun and spun and arrived at Disagreeable. From this day forward, Jang Frazang will be much more likely to disagree with things, which will cause problems for her and also anyone that has to deal with her on a daily basis. Or ever. Even simple topics that almost everyone agrees on will become points of discussion and disagreement. And also, Jang will just generally be hard to get along with. For good measure, The Malaclypse will be a little more agreeable, making them more likely to agree with things, for better or worse. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.

And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. You may now remove the tape from your elaborate stereo setup. You can then crush it under foot. You may never recover from the knowledge that Hip Tang Banana is not a real band making real music, but that’s okay. The numbers are next.

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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is connected to other humans through the power of semiconductance and fiber optics. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Fetty Lax, and Brittney Garcia. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered crock pots?

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