episodes

62 – Fall Cleaning

in which closets are cleaned out, you hurt in the thinky place, you had a weird nap, you get ready to read a lot of books, Corin stumbles into a minefield, and Colin Leaf “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear is reminiscent of your days selling salt peppers in your coastal hometown many lightyears away. Don’t forget to tell Papa that you’re going down to the market, and also don’t forget to watch for the whale-lions as you cross the Palarako Bridge.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO of Kakos Industries, and Fall Cleaning Czar. Shareholders, you are probably familiar with the concept of spring cleaning, that seemingly ancient tradition of cleaning your house. Well, we at Kakos Industries do things differently. And by that I mean we clean at the beginning of fall. And by that I mean, I’ve specifically requested that we clean out some of our unnecessary things this fall only. It could become a tradition. You never know. I was told that our storage spaces in the above-ground levels of Kakos Industries are full-up, and while we have an ever increasing number of basement levels, sometimes it’s best to try to keep things above ground. So we’re looking through boxes and trying to decide what to do with things. As you can imagine, we’ve found some weird stuff. Like a ton of vintage erotica. Like daguerreotype erotica old. We’ve also found some records of really old Evil that we are responsible for. Apparently we made polio better one upon a time. The details are murky. We also might have purchased some children during the great depression to be raised to be Evil. Some of them probably work for us still. Also we had a weaponized iceberg system we were testing for a while. And before you start to blame us for institutional racism and segregation, that’s all on you, humanity. How does that make you feel? In other news, I am told that our genetically engineered popstar squad BvulTA have caused a heart attack in the last remaining resident of Brimstone, Arizona, bringing the population from 0 to -1. How does that work? How do you have negative people? Is someone on vacation? Is someone missing? Oh well. BvulTA’s gyrations and undulations are hypnotic and thoroughly overwhelming. Shareholders, if you have the opportunity to see them, it is best to look away.

This week’s broadcast is coming to you from Glass Half Empty Acoustics’ new Glass Sound Cannon, created in conjunction with our Division of Radio Transmission and Division of Broken Glass Everywhere Dammit. It is, as you can plainly see, a piece of long stem glassware. If you don’t recognize the shape of the glass, that’s because it is designed to hold the perfect Devil’s Soulgasm, a rare and complex cocktail. You do not need to make a cocktail for this glass to hear these announcements. In fact, the shape of the glassware doesn’t even really explain what you’re hearing. You see, the chemical structure of the glass has been perfected as a conduit of turning our signals into the sound that you’re hearing. I am told that light is being used to vibrate the glass in such a way as to reproduce my voice and the accompanying sounds. This should be a treat for those of you with supersonic hearing. This glass is capable of producing frequencies in excess of 100khz. For the rest of you, I am sorry about the inexplicable headache you are now beginning to develop. As always, this broadcast is only for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re not a shareholder, you should leave the room before this particular piece of glassware explodes, sending shrapnel into your body, where it will circulate within your blood, cutting you open from the inside, before it pops you like some sort of blood balloon. Is that really how we’re killing people these days? Wow. That is gruesome.

I didn’t get to participate in the Festival of Somnambulation again. Apparently it’s “too damn spooky” when I sleep walk. Okay, fine. I get it. I’m really Evil. I’ve done a lot of Evil things. My sleep is haunted to say the least. That doesn’t mean that I’m not disappointed, but I understand. Anyway, at this year’s Festival of Somnambulation the floor of the basement ballroom was replaced with mattresses, creating one enormous bed. If you’re looking for a similar sized mattress for use at home, I am told you are looking for the “ California legion size mattress”. There was a whole lot of cuddling and slow dancing. Most of you showed up in pjs, like last year, except for those of you who showed up fully clothed, those of you who showed up naked, and the one guy who showed up wearing a freshly dead animal carcass. We let him get in there to cuddle. Who are we to judge. I did not cuddle myself as I was not asleep and it felt wrong. Anyway, the event culminated in the free for fall fistfight. We promised the last person who remained asleep an upgrade from their current shareholder status to Supreme Shareholder Deluxe, and all the benefits that come from that. The last remaining sleepwalker, that is to say not awake or dead, was Cobra Juice Van Steen, who has since been covered in platinum and positioned within the hall of Supreme Shareholders Deluxe , our most esteemed, totally entombed shareholders. I am told that Cobra Juice did not wake up at any point in the process. Those who died during the fistfight were placed on pikes in the horror lawn because we were running low on fresh corpses out there.

Preparations are being made for the Celebration of Books. This year’s celebration will take place in the basement library like last year and will center around the release of our new books The Lusty Alewife and Sex Ideas for the Foursome that has Literally Tried Everything. It is not required to try out things in the latter book. Or the former book for that matter. But people will. And we’re looking forward to that. Also, one of the books in our collection may transport you to a fairy tale land of magic if opened to the correct page. I have no reason to be fucking with you on that one, shareholders.

I am told that we just found a big monster statue in one of the storage areas. A statue of a monster that we have never seen before. Not one of us. Totally unknown. We do not know if it was ever real, but it is… bone chilling. Maybe it’s from Melantha’s company.

(The noise spikes)
Melantha: Hello, Corin.
Corin: Oh, Melantha. Are you back to tell me about some obscure contract stipulation I’ve broken? I have no interest in telling anyone anything about our temporary merger.
Melantha: No, Corin. I’m satisfied. For now. I have the fountain pen you sucked on in a glass case on a pedestal in our lobby now.
Corin: I know. And I’m pretty sure you’re breaking some rules by doing that. The agreement was that it would be a clean, nonsexual object that I would put in my mouth. The photographs mounted beside the case of you whipping the pen and holding it down under a particularly pointy heel are not what I would call nonsexual.
Melantha: Don’t be silly, Corin. There’s nothing sexual about those photos. I merely stepped on the pen by accident when the photo was taken. And then I tried to pick it up using my whip.
Corin: I’m not buying this.
Melantha: Fine. There’s a sense of domination, yes, but it’s an emotional domination. Not a sexual one. Anyone who works in the industry of Evil should know the difference.
Corin: If it’s not sexual, then why are you naked in the photos?
Melantha: Not all nudity is sexual, Corin. Sometimes I’m naked. Are you telling me you’re never naked?
Corin: There are no images of my penis in the lobby of our building.
Melantha: Oh ho! What judicious restraint, Corin! You should really consider it. It gives you all the power in negotiations when the other party can’t stop thinking about your junk. Doing stuff. With their stuff. It also helps when you have the best vulva in the entire world. Oh yeah, we checked. It’s the best.
Corin: We’ve all seen your vulva, Melantha. Right, Soundman? Yes. Soundman Steven has seen your vulva. He’s giving me a hesitant thumbs up as well. There you go. Now why did you interrupt my announcements?
Melantha: Oh, um… I left something in your building. I’ve tried to have it replaced, but I haven’t had any luck.
Corin: Is it Hailey? ‘Cause you left Hailey here.
Melantha: No. It’s not Hailey.
Corin: We’re not giving you any of the employees you left behind. They have been awesome workers across the board. We’ve even checked them for spy-like behaviors and subtle brainwashing. They’re clean.
Melantha: You’ll never find my spies, Corin. And I wouldn’t leave spies in such a conspicuous way.
Corin: I’ve also grown fond of the seamonster you left.
Melantha: Oh, you can keep Mr. RainbowDream.
Corin: That’s good because Mr. RainbowDream has laid a lot of eggs and we don’t want to separate the family. So what do you want, Melantha?
Melantha: I heard that you’re going through some of your storage, including things we left behind. It’s a box. A purple box.
Corin: Okay, the guys down in the warehouse are now looking for a box. Do you remember what’s inside?
Melantha: Don’t open the box! It’s… booby-trapped.
Corin: Oh… Melantha… I don’t know if this is a trap, but I feel like we have to look in the box now.
Melantha: That would be unwise, Corin.
Corin: ah… I feel like we gotta open it, though.
Melantha: Okay, how about a trade.
Corin: What do you have that we want?
Melantha: Get your mind out of my perfect lady-gutter, Corin. I’m offering you a box of your things.
Corin: What box? We’re not missing a box. At least not one that we can remember the contents of.
Melantha: But doesn’t that make it all the more interesting. A box of your things that you can’t even remember.
Corin: I really doubt it was important if we can’t remember it. We’ve got on just fine without it. Unless it was instructions on how to avoid an uprising.
Melantha: But you won’t know if you need it until you find out, will you.
Corin: I’m inclined to think that this is a bluff.
Melantha: What about all of the things from your desk that I stole.
Corin: I bought a new stapler. It’s okay.
Melantha: Ahahaha! But what about the notebook.
Corin: I was a little upset when you stole my notebook of hand drawn dicks, but I got over it. I have a new one. And I’ve drawn way better dicks in it. Hold on, Melantha. I think we’ve found the box.
Melantha: Think of all those documents you could be missing out on, Corin. What if they’re really, really important.
Corin: What is in this box, Melantha? Knowing you it’s probably some prototype sex toy that we could reverse engineer. Or a new, sexier strappy garment. You know we’ve never been as good at strappy garments.
Melantha: Corin, I’m looking in the box of your documents now. Oh boy! You definitely do not want to miss out on this document. Oh, this one changes everything! Wow! Every document in this box is a certified gem, Corin!
Corin: We’re scanning the box for explosives. No explosives. No poisons either. It doesn’t even seem to have any metal in it at all.
Melantha: Okay, I’ve got schematics for a new sex toy, Corin. It’ll knock the socks off of anyone that can feel pleasure and I’ll give it to you.
Corin: These are outrageous deals, Melantha. You’re really not helping to convince me that I don’t need to know what’s in this box of yours.
Melantha: It has sentimental value to me alone.
Corin: I really don’t know what the professional CEO thing to do in this situation is, but I’m having a hard time not giving into curiosity here. This is exciting.
Melantha: Why don’t you just burn that box, Corin. Ohhh… It’ll really hurt me. Just set in on fire. I’ll cry. I know you want to hear me cry.
Corin: Alright, we have to open the box.
Melantha: Corin, I’m going to carve you up into tiny pieces and have sex with everyone you hate on top of those pieces.
Corin: Oh, Melantha. A stuffed animal? A stuffed octopus, they’re telling me. Or an exectopus. They’re telling me it’s really worn. How old is this toy, Melantha?
Melantha: (holding back a sob) You motherfucker, Corin.
Corin: I’m… I’m sorry, Melantha. I mean, I’m enjoying your sorrow, but I’m sorry too. We’ll pack it up and send it over. We don’t have to do a trade.
Melantha: No, Corin. Set the box on fire. I’ll do the same with this box of your documents. It’s only fair. Until next time, Corin.
(Noise spike)
Corin: Well, I feel like an asshole.

It is said that Evil played matchmaker for the parents of the first human, but still denies there ever having been a first human. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for great balls of fire, great googlymoogly, and everything hurtful that has ever been said to you in the course of your life. Of course, we cannot know for certain if we are actually responsible for all of those things because our company is too large and unwieldy to keep tabs on at all times. But we’re going on the record taking credit for them. If you disagree, then prepare to have some hurtful things hurled your way from our Division of Keyboard Terrorism. You might not be in any real danger, but the number of threatening messages will seriously hinder your life.

Colin Leaf has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, Colin’s nemesis’s life will be ruined. Colin Leaf has selected Corbin Wreath as his nemesis. Shareholders, I feel as though that might have been a close one as far as people with names like mine are concerned. At any rate, we spun the Wheel of Misery and it, in all its ancient wisdom, landed on “Way too many fingers”. From this day forward, Corbin Wreath will have way too many fingers. On his hands and elsewhere. I probably don’t have to tell you why this would ruin a life, but just imagine trying to hold a cup of water with just too damn many fingers. It’s going to be a challenge for sure. For good measure, Colin Leaf will have 3% fewer fingers. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. We’re going to continue cleaning out the building. Hopefully we won’t find any more emotional landmines. Hopefully we will find more vintage erotica. That is always useful. Regarding today’s radio, you must either make one Devil’s Soulgasm every hour for the rest of your life, or destroy this glass right now. Those are the rules. Make your decisions. The numbers are next.

2
4
8
16
32
64
128
256
257
258
259
270

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently brewing. Special guest appearance in this episode by Rebecca Ryan. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Elizabeth Kreick, and Brittney Garcia. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered all of your options carefully?

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