episodes

55 – Regicide

in which you are visited by an unwelcome presence, some robots do what they do, you test out a new app, preparations are made for things to get quiet, Tonia Wilson is spotlighted, Corin complains, a giant falls, and A. D. “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear is balls. Just balls.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO. I say that for the new shareholders. For the old shareholders, I say MY NAME IS CORIN DEETH III AND I AM CEO AT KAKOS INDUSTRIES. YOU PROBABLY KNEW MY GRANDFATHER. Oh, you can just turn up your radio if you’re having trouble hearing. Or you could opt to have your announcements beamed directly into your brain. It’s experimental, yes, but we want to make sure we can meet everyone where they are without judgment. Maybe a little judgment. But those judgments will be on little stuff, like your haircut, who you keep as friends, and your political ideologies. Nothing major.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the Crypto-Creepies brand Talking Bernice Doll. The Bernice Doll has glass eyes fixed in an expression of subtle horror. The Bernice Doll has delicately painted features. Rosy cheeks. A spattering of freckles. The Bernice Doll is dressed in carefully sewn garments reminiscent of styles long past. Green plaid. She wears handcrafted shoes made from the finest materials. And when you pulled the string hanging from her back, you started to hear my voice. No, this isn’t a prerecorded message. It’s live like most of these announcements, but we wanted you to feel like you had cued my speaking. That’s why we set the antenna running the length of the doll’s body to start picking things up when you pulled the cord. I don’t have too many details about the quality of audio here to go on, but the paperwork says, and I’m quoting here, “It’s very scary. Just really scary.” Are you spooked, shareholders? Our Division of Creepy-Ass Children’s toys has been working with Crypto-Creepies for a while on this and we are quite pleased with the result. Her stare is haunting. She is definitely the type of doll you don’t want to turn your back on. I mean, we didn’t program her to do anything. In fact, there’s no computer technology at all, except for the sound processing. But she’s still unsettling all the same. Perhaps there is something else at work there. I cannot say for certain. I can say that the images on paperwork has this doll in a number of active poses which might indicate motion or a predilection for murder, but that could just be good marketing. You probably have nothing to fear. Like always. I must remind all of you listening that this broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you are not a shareholder, then you should get away from that doll as quickly as you can. That is not a Talking Bernice Doll. That is a Talking Margot Doll, and like all Margots, that doll has the potential for heinous things. I cannot say why you have earned this doll from us, non-shareholders, but you will wish to rectify whatever it is you have done quickly before the Margot Doll starts to wreck all your shit. Or wreck you.

Recently, we had the Festival of Innovation. We kicked off the festival by having a large robot battle, like you might expect from the Technology Festival, which would have ordinarily taken place at this time were it not preempted. Last year’s winner, Trevor’s Robot Garage, brought a robotic ball-of-dicks. They were destroyed first. By everyone. Apparently their victory last year was a bit of a sore spot. To make a long, long story short, Thorgonus and Giant-Ass Robots developed independently two robots that somehow miraculously had new and innovative sexual organs that matched up perfectly. It switched quickly from a robot fight to robot sex. Like always. After last year’s robo-sexually transmitted diseases, there was some robo-protection in use. I didn’t know that existed, but there it was. We didn’t get the scene of carnage and broken robots that we were hoping for. Instead, we got a bunch of exhausted robots laying side by side with chests heaving. You ever just think that maybe these engineers need to get a room? Like maybe just fuck each other so we can see robot violence. Just a thought. Having no idea who won, we just gave everyone a ribbon. We had the robot fight first because we were still working on our next big innovation in Evil. But we got it done. Under the wire, but done all the same. We released, in a small beta test, an app that allows you to find other people to Do Evil with. You’re given a picture of the person, usually doing some sort of Evil pose, or maybe wearing some Evil clothes or makeup, and you have the option of saying yes or no to that person based on that photo. There’s a description, too, but our data shows that no one is reading it. We call the app Evilr with no E before the R. The beta testers have been having an amazing time with this app. Some people have gotten together to destroy their enemies. One pair even took over a small country. It’s not on any maps yet, but they did take it over. Another pair has even set about increasing Evil worldwide with an elaborate set of trip wires. Just knocking people on their asses. It’s all Evil, of course. That being said, the majority of users have been using the app as a way to hook up. There are other apps for that, but I suppose it’s comforting to know that the person you’re about to meet is definitely Evil. It takes the guess work out. The app has a built in camera tool to report back to us here at Kakos Industries with the Evil that you’re all doing out there. Please stop sending us pictures of you having sex. We’re all really really happy for you. We are. Just stop sending us the pictures. And go do some Evil when you’re done. You know, nonsexual Evil. You freaky monsters. Anyway, this new technology was enough to satisfy Helga. She’s really difficult to work with.

Last year around this time, we had the Festival of Falling Down Because You’re Not Looking Where You’re Going, Dumbass. As you might suspect, that festival is only good once and the Kakos Industries rule books have indicated that we should have the Festival of Quiet Evils instead. Shareholders, this is an oldie-but-an-evilie. Once you walk onto the Kakos Industries property, you are forbidden from communicating with sound, and you are asked to make as little noise as possible. Practice sneaking up on people. Practice quieting your inner voices. Let the silence wash over you. We will be decorating the basement ballroom with a quiet theme. You know, subdued colors. Low lighting. Foods that can be eaten without crunching. We will also be decorating with a number of horrors that will really test your abilities not to yelp with fright. They won’t be obvious, of course, but you will find them. We encourage you to practice your sign language and pantomime skills. Writing is also allowed, but please be careful not to make too many scratching noises with your pen. The MegaCougars will get you if you make too much noise. Did I forget to mention the MegaCougars earlier? I always forget to mention the MegaCougars. Yes, if you make noises, you may be mauled. When you are being mauled, we ask that you try to keep it down for everyone else’s benefit. It’s not just your party, you know. We all have to share it. Then we’re all going to dance to the music in our heads. We’ll be sure to get a song stuck in your head before you arrive.

Shareholders, in an effort to introduce you to more of the Evil we do, we’re starting a new segment. We’re calling it the Kakos Industries Employee Spotlight. We want to take the time to identify an employee that is not just Doing Evil Better, but Doing Evil Best. Today, we have selected Tonia Wilson from the Division of Green Energy. I am told that Tonia led her team to successfully develop a way to run an engine on blood. This is excellent news because we at Kakos Industries have a lot of blood that we should probably try to get rid of. Now, it will help to run our heating and cooling here at Kakos Industries. I understand that one side effect of this technology is water from the blood turning to vapor in the air. Please don’t think of this as breathing in the blood from your fallen comrades. Think of it instead as a break for your sinuses. Tonia has been given an award for being spotlighted here and we’ve increased her cubicle size by six inches in each direction. I am told that her cubicle was up against a wall, so now her cubicle extends six inches out of the building. This extra six inches has neither a ceiling nor any flooring, and instead is just a hole to the outside world, which is both dangerous and a bad idea for our heating and cooling costs. Luckily, one of our employees recently found a solution to that problem! Thank you for your excellent work, Tonia.

Speaking of employees who deserve a commendation, I would like to remind you all that Grace Rule has been replaced by a woman named Helga, and I am not at all happy about it. She has a similar demeanor. And she takes the job just a seriously. But she keeps making me follow rules I don’t like and I don’t like that. The other day she grabbed my hand because apparently I’m only allowed to slap my underlings twice each per day. What would a third slap have really done, Helga? Would it have broken Kakos Industries? Would we suddenly not be any good at making money or Evil? Your rules are nonsense. Grace never kept me from slapping employees. Or maybe she did. I can’t remember. Also, Helga won’t let me skip meetings that I don’t want to go to. I mean, I go to all of my meetings anyway, but do I need an escort? I don’t, Helga. I’m a grown man and I can handle my business. She also makes me drink water to stay hydrated. Like I can’t keep track of my own fluids. I miss Grace. Grace was the best.

So you might remember that King Leopold of Evilon interrupted my last broadcast. And the couple before that. He recently made me Queen of Evilon through some strange technicality. Anyway, Leopold showed up to take me back to Evilon. We hosted a polite meal for him and his servants. The servants are, as expected, missing quite a few pieces. And he, well… he’s looked better. We poisoned all of them. So that should be enough of that. Though I suppose being queen was kind of nice. Oh well. The crown now moves on to…

(fanfare)

King: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Corin.
Corin: Oh, what the hell! I poisoned the shit out of you!
King: Most of my organs don’t work right, Corin. It has to do with all of the handsome inbreeding. Your poison slid right through me. You did kill all of my servants, however.
Corin: Why can’t I kill you?
King: Because you secretly harbor feelings for me. Admit it, Corin. This has always been a requited love. You just can’t say so because of your responsibilities.
Corin: What can I do to get out of this?
King: Well, if you mean the marriage, there is a bit of a snag there. Evilon law dictates that any attempts on the king’s life before the marriage can be consummated annuls the marriage.
Corin: Hooray. Leave me alone.
King: I can never do that, Corin! There’s too much blood on my hands now! I’ve consumed too many servants! This has to be worthwhile! (hard coughing) Oh, my royal jelly sack has been perforated! The stabbing has spread to my internal organs! (more hard coughing)
Corin: Leopold, are you okay.
King: (More hard coughing, then silence)
Corin: Leopold?
(Silence)
Corin: I would really like to believe he’s dead, shareholders.
(Silence)
Corin: Leopold, I’ve changed my mind. I would love to be with you for eternity, no matter how many servants you have to steal body parts from.
(Silence)
Corin: Well, shit. That might be that. No time for grieving. Let’s move on, shareholders.

A. D. has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of A’s nemesis will be ruined. A. D. has selected J. K. as their nemesis. Do we have any details on either of these people? Gender? Personality? Nothing? Okay. We spun the Wheel of Misery and landed on the punishment Ultra Gourmet. From this day forward, J. K. will be an ultra gourmet. J. K. will be unable to enjoy simple things and simple pleasures. J. K. will be ruined for most experiences in life except those that are of the highest quality. J. K. will find eating most meals to be pointless. J. K. will spend all of their money trying to satisfy this pickiest of pallets. Things will spin wildly out of control from there. For good measure, A. D. will become unable to experience the difference in high quality things. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

They say that Evil is always there for you when you need it most. And also when you don’t want it at all. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Please remember that Kakos Industries is just unimaginably large and that a lot of the things we do we just simply can’t know about. That being said, we’re relatively confident that these things sound like things we would probably do if given the chance. This week, we’re taking credit for people who still use typewriters, people who still have landlines, and people who hold onto antiquated ideas about propriety. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then you might just have a Margot Doll after all.

And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. In a few moments, you should take your Talking Bernice Doll and set her outside your home. She’ll find her way back to us. I mean, we’ll come get her. She can’t walk or do anything on her own. Obviously. She’s just a doll. Might want to lock the doors and windows all the same. At least until she loses interest. The numbers are next. Please be warned: these numbers have been known to cause fires. Until next time, shareholders.

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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently hanging upside down like a bat. Special Guest appearance in this episode by Andrew Bueker. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Elizabeth Kreick, and Vael Victus. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered spending more time with your hobbies?

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