What you're about to hear is super cute and lots of fun.
Hiiiiiiiiiiiii ARBABARBABARBAR shareholders! It’s me, Hailey Solomonari, acting CEO. We got word that we would have to do more announcements like this, and Melantha isn’t feeling very well-
Melantha: Uggh! Hailey!
-so I’m taking over!
At first she was concerned, but then I said, leave it all up to meeeeee! That seemed to calm her down. I don’t think this whole business with her being a Kakos Industries shareholder is sitting well at all with her, shareholders.
Sorry! (Hailey begins to whisper) I’m a little worried about her. She’s just kind of walking around in a bathrobe eating ice cream lately. It’s not good for her. When her nipples slip out from under her bathrobe I am no longer paralyzed with longing and fear. Also, the LEDs under her skin have been blinking much more somberly lately.
Melantha: Hailey, I’m fine! Don’t lie to the shareholders!
She’s not. It’s really sad.
Melantha: HAILEY! (A pause) Talk about anything else!
This broadcast is coming to you on your Magical Elegant Nubile Sparkle Schoolgirl SuperSoldier Glamour Communicator Wrist Watch 2.0. It’s my own design. It’s made in Japan. Do you love it? I know you do. Remember that there are seven different watches out there, so you should try to trade with the other shareholders to collect them all. I know that Corin likes to talk about all the sciencey stuff and how things work and all, but that’s boring as shit, so let’s talk about features! It’s got a clear, glittery, sparkley plastic case! And it’s got multi-colored wrist straps! The color depends on which schoolgirl soldier you got. They are all depicted doing something super Evil. Schoolgirl Soldier Maddison likes starting Ponzi schemes. Schoolgirl Soldier Addison likes committing fraud against the elderly. Schoolgirl Soldier Adison (with one D) likes to deny people health care coverage. Schoolgirl Soldier Adelyn likes to kick people out of their homes. Schoolgirl Soldier Madelyn likes to use her computer skills to hack into people’s banking accounts. Schoolgirl Soldier Madeline likes to sell fake diet supplements to teens. Schoolgirl Soldier Adele likes to lay people off from their jobs. And then when they’re done, Maddy, Addy, Ady, Addy, Maddy and Addy like to spend their money shopping! They’re just so perf.
I’ve been the acting CEO for just a couple of weeks now, and I like to think I’ve brought my own special touch to the job. For example, in response to Kakos Industries' irresistibly cute small animal, we have now created our own. The problem that came up was that some people stopped doing their jobs because the animal was so cute. Really, who could blame them. I know I couldn’t. It had the floppiest ears and the fluffiest fur. The answer was really easy, though. I asked the scientists what would happen if the cute animal wanted our employees to do their jobs again. They thought it over and then they developed an irresistibly cute animal that also increases brain waves that correspond to work ethic. It also gets cuter the harder you work. So now we have a whole lot of productivity, like a buttload of productivity. I am told that productivity is way higher than it ever was before! The scientists are baffled. They just don’t know about the power of cuteness. And mind control.
I’ve also instituted a dress code. Everyone who works here always comes to work looking so sad! Just because we specialize in Evil doesn’t mean that we have to look like we’re suffering. That’s why I’ve started the Smiling on the Outside program! It gives our sad sack employees new clothing options to brighten up the office. Who cares if the walls are crumbling, we look fabulous! I’ve also sent out a couple of memos telling people how best to do their makeup. If they can’t smile, they should at least paint a smile on their face so we don’t have to get bummed out looking at them. Evil feels good, and it should look good, too!
I have news about my pet rat, Pumpkin Spice Latte. Beep-ba-beep-beep News Break! He’s now living with two bodacious girl rats, named Caramel Frappuccino and Zooey Deschannel-Rat. They are just the cutest. I named Caramel Frappuccino that because I name all of my animals after beverages, and I named Zooey Deschannel-Rat that because she has big eyes. They just cuddle all day in a big pile. It’s totes adorbs, you guys. I feel like such a creeper watching them all the time, but I’m so curious. Let me give you another update in real time. Okay. Right now, they’re in the cage. They’re sleeping in a corner all cuddled up together. They’re still sleeping. Hold onnnnnnnnn... Hold on...They’re still sleeping. This is riveting. We’ll check back in with them soon, shareholders.
We recently wrapped up a celebration of my creation, the Art Festival. I want all of the shareholders to know just how much I love art. It’s a lot. And that’s why I put so much pressure on this festival. We gathered up all of the artists in the company and put them to work. I told them that the worst artist would be made into a piece of art, and not like a living piece of art, so they all should work really, really hard. Let me just say that I was soooo pleased with what they came up with. And all of it was exactly my aesthetic, too. They really knew their audience. Then we let you shareholders in to see the art. After some silent voting, we decided that Davis Mipper was definitely the worst artist, so we drained all of his vein paint and spread it on the wall with our fingers. But I wasn’t satisfied with just that garish red, so we ground up his bones and made it into a really pretty pastel pink. Then I had to feed, so I took the next three worst artists into my lair. They’re napping now. They’ve been asleep for a while. They might not wake up. I’m so good at sex.
Coming up we have the Petting Zoo Festival. It is the cutest festival. We have the softest animals flown in from around the world. Some of them have even been specially bred for their exquisite softness. We’ll have the red fluff llama, the corduroy camel, the cashmere pig, the plaid panda, and the argyle aardvark. Now, I know what you’re thinking, shareholders. Some of those animals don’t exist. Well, they will.
Hailey: Oh, Corin! How are you!
Hailey: It’s me, Hailey!
Corin: Oh, um, well… when Grace called you guys up today to tell you that you had to do more announcements, I was sort of expecting to interrupt Melantha…
Hailey: Oh. Well you got me! Did you miss me?
Corin: I want to say no.
Hailey: But you know in your heart you mean yaaaaaaas!
Corin: So, um... How’s she doing?
Hailey: Melantha? Oh. She’s. Totally. Fine.
Corin: Has she eaten the strawberry out of the neapolitan cartons? She hates strawberry ice cream.
Hailey: She finished the strawberry like a week ago, Corin! This isn’t good!
Melantha (at a distance): HAILEY!
Hailey: I mean everything is great here, Corin. You wouldn’t believe all the smiling faces I’ve seen.
Melantha: Hello, dipshit.
Corin: Oh, there she is.
Melantha: How are things over at Cock Impotencies?
Corin: You know you’ve used that one before.
Melantha: Of course I know. Cock… Cockless… Pinterest. Fuck.
Corin: You’re off your game, Melantha. Is it possible that this whole business with you owning stock in my company has you down?
Melantha: Don’t be silly. It takes much more than that to get me down, Corin. Unless I really want to go down. You know.
Corin: Then what about owning stock in my company, having a crumbling building, having low shareholder confidence, and also having your own board debating about whether or not they should have you thrown out?
Melantha: Okay, I’ll admit that might be enough to get me down.
Corin: Then maybe you should just give up and let Hailey stay CEO. HAHAHA.
Melantha: You know, she’s actually been doing a really good job. Corin, I’ve taught her so well. It’s not what I would do, but it sure is Evil. Anyway, are you just here to gloat?
Melantha: Well, you shouldn’t. I want to make one thing abundantly clear to you, Corin. None of this is your fault.
Corin: Oh, don’t say that.
Melantha: It’s true, Corin. None of my suffering. None of my hardship. None of this is your fault.
Corin: That- that really hurts, Melantha.
Melantha: It’s true! You didn’t sell me shares. Nor did you somehow give them to me. I bought them on my own. I brought this on myself, Corin. I defeated my own will.
Corin: I guess you have a point there.
Melantha: That’s how Evil I am, Corin. Even when I punish myself, I go all the way. Sure you’ve really run with the destruction I’ve caused, but you wouldn’t have been able to do any of it without me acting first.
Melantha: Let that sink in for a while, Corin. The most damage that has ever been done to one of your enemies was done by me. That makes me the most Evil person you’ve ever met.
Corin: I suppose that’s true. But doing this damage to yourself… I mean, it’s not that impressive. You have the most access to your own business, so of course you’re the person who can do the most damage. No one else could ever hope to hurt you like that.
Melantha: Whatever helps you to sleep at night, Corin.
Corin: Fine. You just might be the most self-Evil person I’ve ever met. How does that sound?
Melantha: It sounds just fine.
(A loud crashing sound)
Corin: Was that…
Melantha: It would seem that my fifth floor is now the first floor. It’s no big deal.
Corin: It’s pretty impressive that the building hasn’t fallen over.
Melantha: My engineers are simply prodigious when it comes to Jenga.
Corin: Well, fine. I’m going to leave you to your own devices and let your building crumble.
Corin: Was that a hint of desperation I heard?
Melantha: This is serious, Corin.
Corin: I know. For you.
Melantha: Did you forget about the writ of antitrust, Corin? Hahaha. How foolish.
Corin: Antitrust? But we price fix all the time. How can there be antitrust laws that affect us? Surely, we’re more Evil than the banking industry! and nothing affects them.
Melantha: It’s not that kind of law, Corin. It’s a nether law.
Corin: I’m inclined to say that you’re lying, but Grace is nodding her head.
Melantha: In order to prevent Evil from stagnating, competition must exist. If my company falls, and you absorb us because I have some of your silly shares, then you’ll be the biggest baddest thing out there by far. And that means….
Corin: We’ll be divided.
Melantha: Based on the state of my building, I would say quite literally at that.
Melantha: If I go down, you go down, Corin. I’m too big to fail.
Corin: You Evil… Gah! We can’t divide Kakos Industries! We do too much! And all the secrets! All the Evil. It would be chaos.
Hailey: Why don’t you let the companies combine, and then divide them up like they were before, but without Melantha owning stock. That would solve the problems, right?
Corin: I forgot you were there, Hailey.
Melantha: She has a point, though.
Corin: Yeah, she does. Hmmm… I can have Grace work out some sort of contract to make this go as smoothly as possible. You know, I’ll want something for myself out of all of this, seeing as I do have the stronger position.
Melantha: FIne. You can kiss me, but not on the mouth.
Corin: I know I’ve said some weird stuff about you in the past, but what would make you think I’d want to do that? Like this, I mean?
Melantha: But you did think about it for a moment there, didn’t you? Having me under your control? I made you think about it, how horrible you can be. Because I’m Evil, Corin. Hahahaha. Oh yeah, I’ve still got it!
Corin: I’ll try to have a draft for you to look at next week.
Hailey: Awww! Mom and Dad are getting back together!
Corin: Uggh… what the fuck, Hailey…
Melantha: You’ve had sex with both of us, Hailey! That’s totally inappropriate. Go to the corner! Also, I’m taking my job back.
Hailey: Okay, but you guys would be sooo cute together.
Corin: Do you think… do you think she might be more Evil than us?
Melantha: No. Of course not. It’s not possible. Maybe. You know, I really don’t want to think about it.
Corin: I’ll talk to you later, Melantha.
(Noise drops out)
Good evening, shareholders. This is Melantha Murther, back at my post. You should know by now that I hate doing announcements like this, so, as rarely as I say this in the bedroom, let’s just wrap it up.
It says here that a life will be ruined when I say the word “Gravy”.
(A long scream, and then a thud)
And it looks like Hailey wrote down some of her favorite numbers.
and sparkle. That’s not a number.
The (NOISE) Broadcast is written and produced by and altogether blamed on Conrad Miszuk, who also composes the music and voices Corin Deeth. Melantha Murther is voiced by Rebecca Ryan. Hailey Solomonari is voiced by Hanna Jones, and the credits are read by (yet another awful noise), who has never had a donut. You can find more at (NOISE).com, that’s (Noise)-(Noise)-(Noise)-(etc.).com. If you happen to be interested in any of that Kakos Industries nonsense, you can find more information at K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. That satisfies our contractual obligations.
If you’re feeling anything at all after this broadcast, then you’re probably in the control group.