episodes

30B – Intercepted 1

Kakos Industries has intercepted a broadcast of interest. Please listen at your own risk.

Transcription:

What you are about to experience may singe the edges of your beating heart.

Good evening, shareholders. This is Melantha Murther, CEO of (NOISE). I don’t normally do announcements like this, as you know, but I was notified earlier today of a particular legal snag that has made this an unfortunate necessity. Some of you might know that I am currently a shareholder in Kakos Industries, through no fault of my own. I was attempting to leave No Evil Undone, and I was advised to purchase shares in their company to torment their CEO Corin Deeth at his favorite festival. It turns out that shares in Kakos Industries are non-transferrable, Hailey, and as such, I have not been able to get rid of them. Yet. Fear not, shareholders, I have my best team of nether lawyers probing the annals of Evil law looking for anything that might get me out of this. Get us out of this. Some my nether lawyers are in the Evil Law Library, researching away. Others are making their arguments known to anyone who will listen to head off some of the worst effects of this situation. As you know, sometimes the battle for evil is a battle of public opinion. On my way to work today, I heard one of them shouting, “It’s not her fault!”, scaring one of the tour groups. That’s dedication. I detect that you are wondering why I am telling you all of this. Ordinarily, it is for you to trust us that we are doing the best Evil that money can buy. The reason for this broadcast is that the legal snag I mentioned earlier is that all Kakos Industries shareholders, who also happen to be CEOs of Evil Megacorporations, are required to do announcements like these. It seems that Corin’s mind-numbingly awful announcements are not part of his job description so much as they are a required part of his owning shares in the company. Earlier today, I received a phone call from the Kakos Industries legal team motivating me to action. I don’t usually listen to the opposition’s demands, but they were… convincing. There is no stipulation as to the length such a broadcast needs to be, so I could be finished right now… but why not take this opportunity to rub it all over Corin’s face and rest it on his chin how much better we at (NOISE) are as a company. Let’s do some shitty announcements.

This broadcast is coming to you on your normal radio. We didn’t have time to come up with anything fancy, and why bother? We would undoubtedly pass that expense on to our customers, and for what? To show you that we can? To wield our hefty and potent business cock and slap all of you in the face with it? That might be Evil, but it’s also incredibly wasteful. And while waste might be Evil, waste in the pursuit of Evil is not. We have to be really careful with double negatives, okay?

We recently wrapped up the violence bash, where we celebrate the blood, the gore, the maiming, and the dismembering. It was good to see so many of you join us. I was also glad to see so many of you leave us forever. It’s not that I want you to die, shareholders. I am just pleased to see so many of you give everything you have for Evil. I, of course, watched the festivities from atop my new Mountain of Men (trademark), which is the new name I have for the two particular mountainous men who are responsible for holding me up at any given moment, and pleasing me whenever I wish. Previously, I had several hairless concubines. But this time… I went beardier. As always, this festival went on for several hours while the willing contestants threw themselves into battle to incapacitation or death. I mean, the incapacitated people were thrown into the monster pit, so everyone who didn’t win died anyway. Damien Morgoon was the winner of the battle, and has therefore earned a place in my pleasure palace as my newest concubine. He has the most exquisite scars. It was wonderful. I had a really good time.

Coming up soon we have the Melee Gala, which is another fight to the death. Come to think of it, we have a lot of those. This celebration, however, features numerous failed genetic engineering experiments taking themselves out of our hair. You know… You know all of this already shareholders. I know you do. You get the newsletter. It feels like I’m talking down to you. I mean, I always talk down to you, but I don’t always waste my time to do it. It does feel Evil, but it also feels uninspired. How can anyone put up with doing announcements like these? It’s just so… gaudy. We get it, you’re proud of your company and you like to hear the sound of your own voice. Just get over yourself. Anyway, the Melee Gala: come for the monster fights. Stay for the free monster meat.

(A CRASH)

We’re just doing some construction, shareholders, in order to bring you bigger better blacker Evil. Nothing to worry about.

I should probably tell you about some of the ways we’re outdoing our competitor. Well, our Bureau of Boning has finally killed a person by making them orgasm too hard. They’ve spent far too much time making people cum half to death, so this is excellent news. I am told that the research they gained from this process will help to design ways of reaching orgasm that maximize enjoyment, while slowly sapping the life force. The little death will soon kill you… just a little. Wink. Sometimes it’s about the long term Evil, and not about causing the nucleus accumbens to melt. The experiment was spectacular to watch, though. The test subject, Martha Bartholomew, will be painted into the great Test Subject Mural in the Balcony Garden, which, as you know, is fertilized with the finest compost derived from test subject corpses.

Working with our clients at Death Bots Extreme, a subsidiary of All Things Extreme, we have now developed HouseKeeper 9,000,000,000 Mark III. In typical Death Bots Extreme fashion, the HouseKeeper 9,000,000,000 Mark III is so over engineered it doesn’t distinguish between clean and sterile. It kills everything. What you’re left with his a home devoid of any biological matter. No germs, no viruses, no dust, no pets. Just the light smell of bleach, and the light tingling of radiation. By no objective measure can any cleaning robot outcompete HouseKeeper 9,000,000,000 Mark III. Except maybe user survivability, but really, who gives a fuck about that?

I have a prepared statement from the Bureau of (Awful Noise). They write…

(Spike in noise)

Melantha: What- what is that? Soundwoman Stella, what is that sound?
Corin: Well isn’t this fun?
Melantha: Oh, Corin, you insufficiently bleached asshole, what do you think you’re doing?
Corin: Oh, I don’t know, maybe just interrupting you?
Melantha: This is unacceptable. Stop this nonsense at once!
Corin: I don’t have to. Oh, you have no idea how good this feels. I get to just ruin your broadcasts without you being able to do anything about it. Fantastic.
Melantha: It’s your fault I’m even doing this stupid broadcast!
Corin: Oh, how’s that? I don’t remember tricking you into signing anything.
Melantha: But if you weren’t so easy to mess with then maybe I wouldn’t do it!
Corin: That’s ridiculous. And that’s not actually an excuse.
Melantha: Whatever. Are you satisfied? You’ve interrupted me, now go.
Corin: Oh, no, I’m not ready.
Melantha: Fine, just say what you wanted to say.
Corin: You really take the steam out of it like that. It’s no fun if you’re passing me the microphone, Melantha. I have to say what I want when you don’t want me to.
Melantha: Oh, Corin, I never want you to speak.
Corin: Oh, I don’t believe that.
Melantha: Can you just go? I’m so done with this.
Corin: HAHAHAHA
Melantha: I just… You are the worst!
(A loud crash is heard)
Corin: What was that?
Melantha: I didn’t hear anything. Maybe there’s something wrong with your speakers.
Corin: No, that was definitely on your end.
Melantha: You must be hearing this, Boring.
Corin: Oh, I get it, your building is starting to fall apart, isn’t it? Grace told me something like this might happen.
Melantha: That’s ridiculous. My building is made of the strongest stuff on the planet. You’ve never heard of such alloys!
Corin: And yet it’s starting to crack at the seams, isn’t it?
Melantha: Nope. Everything is just fine over here.
(CRASH)
Corin: What a delightful sound. It’s the sound of your building being destroyed by your foolish actions. You know, nether law isn’t something to be messed with. I don’t even know how it works, but I’m told it has something to do with shareholder confidence. It’s like a metaphor, Melantha. Confidence in (noise) is at an all time low.
Melantha: Your pronunciation is still shit, and confidence in my company is just fine.
Corin: I can say it however I want. It’s unbelievable to me that you’ve never modernized the name. We all know how it’s spelled.
Melantha: Don’t.
Corin: Why not.
Melantha: Because you’re such a stupid idiot.
Corin: M-
Melantha: I will tell everyone about the video!
(Another crashing sound)
Melantha: We could never respect ourselves if we changed the pronunciation of our name like that. I’m not sure how you still have shareholders since you changed the name from (ANOTHER AWFUL NOISE).
Corin: No one can pronounce that.
Melantha: That’s funny, years of pointless, stupid language courses sounds so much more like your MO than mine.
Corin: It’s about branding, Melantha. We have to be able to reach those with no knowledge of the nether dialect. How do you even google (noise)?
Melantha: Who says we want to be found on your pompous search engines anyway.
(Another crashing sound)
Corin: You know, if your company does crumble and disintegrate, you could always get a job here if you wanted.
Melantha: No! I would never!
Corin: Sounds like I have touched a nerve then.
Melantha: I would rather die than become your sex slave, Corin. I can’t even imagine it. Doing things. With you. In a sexual fashion. With our bodies touching. I mean, my body, damn, but your body, ugh. And the sounds. The slapping. How degrading to be involved with you. I can’t even think of it. I’ve become accustomed to a certain standard of male specimen. Your muscles are so underdeveloped, Corin. I would be embarrassed to submit to you… And feel things… for you.
Corin: Well, I was going to offer you like a regular job or something.
Melantha: Don’t lie to me, Corin. I know you all you ever think about and talk about is sex. I’m a genius when it comes to Evil, and lovemaking, why can you only see me for the lovemaking. How can you be so sexually frustrated working at Kakos Industries?
Corin: It would be like a pretty good job. Doing Evil. Having sex would be totally optional.
Melantha: Don’t even mention the depth of my bondage, Corin! It’s too awful to think about! Being tied down and used by you on your breaks and lunch hours. Made subject to your deepest, darkest desires. My body open for things, while you do things, and I feel things, and I feel things again, and I’m rewarded with your stuff, and I-
Corin: Okay, I don’t know what you’ve heard about us, but we don’t do that. There are no sex slaves in Kakos Industries. You know what, you’ve made me uncomfortable, and now I have to go. I can’t even say what I wanted to say. Holy fuck, Melantha.
Melantha: I’ll never be your kitten, Corin! I will wear pink for no man.
Corin: Okay, bye.
(The noise drops)

(Another crashing sound)

Mmm… I am sorry about that interruption, shareholders. I also apologize for my behavior, but I think you will find, that it got him to go away, which was my plan all along. Please do not worry about the state of (NOISE) headquarters. Those were merely sound effects used to play on Corin’s emotions.

(Another Crashing sound)

Sound effects. Nothing to worry about.

(Another crashing sound)

We clearly have a joker working the soundboard. We should wrap this up.

Let’s see here… Oh, right. I can take credit for things, too! I’m taking credit for… let’s see… blood… um… guts… sex. We’re taking credit for sex. So there. Everyone having sex right now is infringing on our intellectual property. Disagree? You’ll be disemboweled.

I can ruin a life, too.

(A gun fires a single bullet. There is a scream)

And I can make up numbers. So there.

Blorteen.

Gubedy-six.

Morkle.

One-brilliom-roar-hundred-funty-funt.

(Another crash)

Just fuck everything!

The (NOISE) Broadcast is written and produced by and altogether blamed on Conrad Miszuk, who also composes the music and voices Corin Deeth. Melantha murther is voiced by Rebecca Ryan. The introduction is read by Hailey Solomonari or Hanna Jones or something, and the credits are read by (yet another awful noise), who has never ever loved. You can find more at (NOISE).com thats (Noise)-(Noise)-(Noise)-(etc.).com. If you happen to be interested in any of that Kakos Industries nonsense, you can find more information at K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. That satisfies our contractual obligations.

If you’re feeling anything at all after this broadcast, you may have made a serious mistake somewhere.

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