episodes

28 – Vincent

in which the contraption is put to rest… for now, the Division of Espionage and Daryl’s Toys and Toys collaborate, the Festival of Adorableness is recapped, preparations are made for another Darkest Universe Celebration, the Division of Secret Societies has good news, the cute lesbian couple ignores our attempts to improve them, the Sexual Innovation Division has picked up a little on the side, and Ross Moss “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear has been tested thoroughly in the furthest reaches of space. Mind Space.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO of Kakos Industries. When you heard from me last, I was in a bit of a… spiral, let’s call it. I am not unused to not knowing things here at Kakos Industries. It’s kind of in the nature of the job. But with most things that I do not know here, there is at least the feeling, or perhaps the impression, that those things are in good hands, and that they are being taken care of, and if anything of note comes from them, then I will be informed. I can rest easily in the belief that everyone is working in the best interest of Evil. But this… box. This contraption. This demonic Atari. It has haunted me. Any employee who worked on its construction has been dead for years, and now we are left with this… mystery. It is electronic, and as such, it should behave deterministically. It should do what we tell it to do. It should yield its secrets. But it has not. Despite the warnings to the contrary, we took every blade we had at our disposal and mercilessly attacked the inner box. Taking a hint from the Division of Whaling and Wailing, I pinned a gold doubloon to the nearest post and informed the entire crew working on the device that the first one of them to crack it open would receive the prize. One by one, they were exhausted, and they collapsed, leaving only me and a titanium axe. I have never needed brute strength, shareholders. It is unnecessary for my job. But there I was, drawing from my very life force to crack this device. I found myself bloody, and panting, and cursing the imaginary heavens. Then… I collapsed. The inner box of this device had not given at all. It looked just as it had when we first found it. It would seem that I was powerless. The monitor asked for input once again. Then, without my noticing her approach, Dark Mother Belladonnica placed a hand on my shoulder. She looked at me with those deep, dark eyes. And then she said, “It’s not time yet.” She walked to the device, put a hand on it, closed her eyes, and then left the room. I had nothing left, shareholders. I fell asleep. We’ve put the device back in the box. I’ve had an easier time letting it go. Belladonnica has this one, I think.

You are receiving this broadcast from a plastic cup attached to a string. I mean, obviously things are more complicated than they seem on this one, but to the untrained eye, it looks like a cup on a string. The radio, if we can call it that, was developed as a joint effort between our Division of Espionage and Daryl’s Toys and Toys, one our clients. You see, sometimes we just draw names out of a hat, and then those divisions, branches, organizations, or clients have to work together on something. It helps to keep things fresh. I am told the string is actually a superconducting wire, and the cup is spill proof. Really… it’s art. It’s just art. I mean, I don’t know how they came up with such a perfect blend of their skillsets, but this is a marvelous device. It is also the only way we can reliably reach Belladonnica when we need her. I mean, we don’t need her, we’re a big, grown-up business, but sometimes it’s nice to have her for a consultation. The child knows Evil.

The Festival of Adorableness went pretty well, I think. We have absolutely nothing to compare it to, but I think we did it right. Grace Rule was walking around checking our behavior against the new rule book, and she didn’t seem to object. I will say that it was an awkward celebration for most of us. Kakos Industries employees are not all used to… color. Or frills. Or anything else of that nature. Really, I’m not sure I even have the vocabulary to describe what I saw. The Division of Subversive Cute really brought their A-game though. They modeled their new clothing designs, making use of the height of cute fashion, while leaving something disturbing to offset. Small pink prints of the word Fuck. Adorable clothing with exposed breasts. Floral print codpieces. Again, I’m not sure if they were doing it right, because I don’t know what this festival is supposed to be. We’re trailblazing here. Upon entering the event, I was cornered, and they put makeup on me. And then they dressed me… well, they dressed me in something unfit for a CEO of a company. But in the interest of fulfilling my duties to the festivities, I allowed it. We also had baby animals. We watched baby elephants play. And baby red pandas. And animals you don’t know exist. We had a lot of them, and they were cute. Have I gotten across that this isn’t my strong point? Anyway, some people tried to have sex, but the mood just wasn’t right or something. We did eat candy, though.

Last year at this time, we were preparing for the Darkest Universe Festival. You may be surprised to find out that it is the same this year. The new rule book we’re working out of has not indicated a change for this festival. That’s how important it is. So, we’ve got another person in our Mind Amplification Room, and we’re ready to send them those awful thoughts. With your plastic cup radio, you should have found a small, folded photograph of another man. This man is Vincent Warner. We’ve been experimenting on him for a few years now because we found that he is incapable of doing anything Evil. As of yet, he has never lied to us, he has never hurt anyone or any animal, and he has never taken pleasure in the misfortune of another. The worst thing we’ve found him doing is slaughtering thousands of microbes as he breathes them in, and as they do some of his digestion in his gut. But today, all of that changes. He will do something Evil. In our experiments making new diseases, we’ve accidentally cured a couple of them. We told Vincent that we are willing to release the cures to the world, but only if he is willing to dirty his hands. Before him are two buttons. One red, one blue. One of them kills a box full of kittens. The other releases the cures. Only select members of our staff know which button does which. Vincent cannot leave this room until after he selects, or after the festival is over. He does not have to press one of the buttons. It has to be his willing choice to press one of them. But he also knows that if he walks away, he would have had the opportunity to save so many lives. Shareholders, it is our job to make him press a button. We have to focus our thoughts. We have to move Vincent’s hands. We have to make him choose Evil. We have to make him do Evil. Join with me. Cloud his mind. Make him do it. Right now, his hands are trembling. He is looking intently at the buttons. We’ll have to check back in with him later.

The Division of Secret Societies is still waiting patiently for their turn to rule, and subsequently destroy, the Sisterhood of the Travelling Sports Bra. In the mean time, they have set their sights on another insidious organization. They have described it so far as an anonymous gathering of important people. Sometimes they wear masks to hide their identities. I understand that the induction process involves attending several events without directly participating first, to get a feel for how things are done. There are also strict rules about conduct, kicking people out of the group for the slightest infractions. The activities they have reported so far include disrobing, and joining into group sexual activities. You know what. I don’t think this is a secret society at all. I think they’ve just joined a group of swingers. Come on guys, you know better. It’s not like there’s not enough sex to be had here at Kakos Industries.

I am proud to announce that, in response to the Division of Hate’s proclamation that any woman riding a unicycle would be known as a harlot from that day on, our Division of Oh Yeah? has started a unicycle derby team called The Harlots. I personally cannot wait to see what this looks like. I can only imagine that it will be much more violent and dangerous than regular roller derby. They will need a challenger, of course, seeing as how this is only the first unicycle derby team in existence. Perhaps I can convince Melantha to start a team of her own. Although, her team would probably feature numerous genetically modified monsters. I might have to think this through before I do anything.

Speaking of Melantha, it has been a little while since the Shareholders’ ball. As far as I know, she is still technically a shareholder in the company. So, hi, Melantha. This must really suck for you, listening to me like this. I mean, having to. You’re just so used to interrupting, but now you have to listen to me. And pay attention. I would imagine that she is immune to a number of the dangers that the rest of you face, but paying attention is still a good idea. I will say that I have had to be really careful lately, paying attention to what I sign. Already several of her agents have tried to give me shares in her company in place of ordinary paperwork I’m supposed to sign. I do not know what happens if she and I become shareholders in each other’s companies, but I am not sure I am ready to see. It’s possible that we might somehow end up working together, closely, perhaps even agreeing from time to time, but there is a part of me that knows that will not be the case. The companies would likely combine only for a moment before ripping violently apart, sending pieces everywhere. I think that it is in the best interest of Kakos Industries that I continue to avoid that particular bit of chaos.

I am looking in on Vincent again using my handy monitor, and it appears that he has sweated out most of the liquid in his body. That is disgusting, Vincent. Just do some Evil already. His hands are still trembling. Shareholders, we really need to focus our energy. Wish this Evil on him. Make him do the things. Make him choose. Make him take the gamble. Make him get dirty. No change yet, but I need you all to keep that intensity up.

You might be curious how the lesbian couple in the Division of Dams and Water Management is doing. Pretty well. We’ve started to try to manipulate them a little bit. We left some pamphlets on their desks about our new experimental human combination machine, which would give them the opportunity to be the same person. They have yet to take us up on it. In fact, I think they threw the pamphlets away almost immediately. Well, we’ll get them next time.

The Sexual Innovation Division has not yet taught a penis to carry on an entire relationship, but they have picked up a few other projects on the side. I am told that they just invented the 9-some. It’s sex with nine people. I understand that making it work at maximum efficiency requires some advanced mathematics, including some calculus and three-dimensional geometry. I would like to tell you more about it, but unfortunately, I do not have a picture. They have invited me down to their offices to test it out, but I have not yet had the chance to make it down. I will admit that I find the premise a little intimidating.

The Division of Dionysia, you know, the division responsible for all of our festivities, also has a branch dedicated to improving the ways in which we party when not at Kakos Industries events. I am told that they stumbled upon something sinister and frightening, however. This new development is similar to the alcohol that we all know and occasionally love. While most people drink to forget and numb the pain that is existence, this new alcohol will cause anyone who imbibes to remember. Everything. The good, the bad, everything in between. They will remember and they will have to deal with it. Our tests have shown that people using this new Remembahol tend to sit quietly as the whole of their existence slowly dawns on them, and they might begin to realize what they’ve lost to time. The experience is undoubtedly Evil. It’s nothing we would use on you, shareholders, but it is something we may begin to slip in with our ordinary shipments of booze. We are not certain yet whether the sudden memories will be Evil in the long run, but I am told that one under the effects of Remembahol may choose to drink ordinary alcohol to forget again immediately.

Shareholders, I’m checking in on Vincent. He has stopped trembling shareholders. In fact, he appears resolute. He seems to know what he’s going to do. His hand is rock steady above the red button. I cannot tell you which button that is, but this is exciting. He’s going to press it. Any minute. He’s going to press the button and either bring about the end of some diseases, or just mercilessly kill a box of kittens. He’s going to do it. Come on man, how can you be so steady and still not just do it? You know what you’re going to do. Oh no. Oh fuck. I cannot believe you, shareholders. What part about focusing on making him act did you not understand. You motherfuckers. Vincent has been turned to stone. Just like Jerry. He didn’t make a decision. He didn’t do anything. He just died. Without doing anything Evil. We can’t change that, shareholders. We can’t make him not stone now. We can’t revive him. He died without caving. According to the vikings, he just won at life. Fuck, shareholders. What the hell.

They say that constant negativity takes years off the end of your life. You’re welcome. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. As you know, Kakos Industries is far too large for anyone to fully understand, which is why we are sometimes forced to make some guesses at the things that we do. This week, we’re taking credit for olive green, plastic bags, and warmth. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for now, then things are about to get kind of cold for you.

Ross Moss has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of his nemesis will be ruined. Ross has selected his African Gray Parrot, Mickey. We spun the Wheel of Misery. It went round and round and landed at Radical Life Extension. From now on, Mickey will expect to live much much longer than any caretaker he will ever know, and will watch sadly as they all pass. For good measure, Ross will continue to have to deal with that awful bird. Congratulations again on the win.

And this brings us to the end of our broadcast. Please crush your cup with your foot. It’s the easiest way for you to destroy it. Otherwise, you can melt it or something. I don’t know. Anyway, the numbers are next.

82
65
900
539
1
223
936
4748
3
45
5
6
78694
12029
54659402
1
1
3
4
6
982450
45
45
45

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently having nightmares about being a freshman in highschool again. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered that if the sun went out, we wouldn’t know for eight minutes?

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