episodes

24 – Drive

in which the annual Shareholder Pledge Drive is held, the Festival of Darkness is recapped, preparations are made for the Pie Festival, we hear from the Division of Black and Blues, the Division of Talking to Yourself, the Division of Goats, the Division of ASMR, the Echo Tree Forest, the Division of Dionysia, TINFOIL, Hell, the Division of Secrets, and the Division of Insurmountable Fear, and Harold Fleek “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear is orgiastic.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Shareholders, this is exciting. This is my last set of announcements for my first year as CEO. The next time you hear from me, I will have been doing this for a full year. I have to say that profits are up, moods are down, and Evil is at an all time high. I am also proud to announce that I attended my first Ultra Board Meeting. Of course, I can’t tell you anything about it, much like I thought. I can’t even confirm if it’s an ultra board or an ultra meeting. I do apologize because I hate leaving things a mystery. If everything I discussed during these announcements was just some vague hint or suggestion at something greater with some meandering plot thrown in and no real conclusion of any sort, then I don’t think it would be edifying to listen to me at all. I’m not even sure why you would tune in. So I will do my best to keep my announcements detailed, and to only leave room for doubt when it helps us to ensure maximum Evil. I must inform you, shareholders, that today’s broadcast will be a little different than most. At the end of each Evil year here at Kakos Industries, we have to do an unpleasant bit of business not uncommon in the world of radio transmission. That is to say that we are given the unenviable task of a shareholder pledge drive. That’s right, we need you out there to become better shareholders, to get more involved, and to bring your friends and family into the fold. I will be joined shortly by the first of several division heads who will tell us why your support is so important to the cause of Evil. Now, you might be thinking to yourselves that we could just take the money from you, or that we could scare you into pledging, or that we could clone you and leave a much more docile version of yourself in your place, all of which are perhaps not easier than asking for money, but are far more certain. In truth, we could. But we believe that the Evil you choose is far worse than the Evil you are forced to comply with.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from your Piggy Bank Clock Radio, which can accept pledges directly into the slot on its back. If you think that you might get some of the pledges back at the end when you destroy the radio, well, that’s not going to happen. You give them back to us this time. Then we destroy them and take the money you put into them out of them. Piggy Bank Clock Radio is a hybrid of porcelain and porcine characteristics, and it has a certain lifelike quality to it. If its eyes begin to droop with sadness, then perhaps sticking a few dollar bills into the slot would perk porky right up. You can also visit Store.KakosIndustries.com.

The Festival of Darkness went incredibly smoothly. It usually does, but this time it went especially smoothly, under the circumstances. Those of you who joined us in the basement ballroom really took advantage of the time to absorb the darkness. The room took on a cold, dry stillness. Things were virtually silent, though everyone was breathing deeply. Many of you at home tuned into our live broadcast of the completely dark event online and embraced the darkness wherever you were. And not one of you seemed to notice the Giga Panthers that had escaped from their cages into the room and were tracked down by their handlers, who are all horribly disfigured clown people. It is nice to know that you still trust us shareholders. When we tell you there are no monsters, you can really let your guards down. I will say that we made good on the intent of our no monster promise by rounding them up before they could hurt anyone. I mean, we did lose one person during the festival, but it’s not uncommon for some of our shareholders to completely disappear during this particular event. We’re not sure if they just take the opportunity to run away from everything, or if perhaps they ascend to some higher level of being and leave no trace behind. At any rate, the rumors that the Basement Ballroom is itself a monster are completely unfounded and anyone who believes them is a fool and should be shamed.

Next week, we have the Pie Festival. Please remember to bring in a pie for us to taste. We will have a competition and the best pie may improve your status here at Kakos Industries. The worst pie will earn its creator a special position as a test subject in our Division of Inner Workings to see just how you made something so awful. The recipe will become our property, and in the event that there is nothing to learn from you, we will just probably kill you. Although, Junior might need a new play toy. For those of you thinking of the word pie as some form of euphemism, I can tell you sick bastards that that tasting is in the next room over. It’s also a lot of fun.

Since the start of the broadcast, Evil is up One Million. There aren’t any units, but I’m assuming it’s the standard unit of measuring Evil. We need to push it higher, shareholders. Go to store.KakosIndustries.com. For incentive, I am now joined by our first guest. Shareholders, please welcome Silky Wilson from the Division of Black and Blues.

Silky: Oh, thank you for the kind introduction, Corin. It’s good to be here.
Corin: It’s good to have you with us. How are things in the Division of Black and Blues?
Silky: Oh, you know how we do it down there, Corin. We doin’ what we do down there, and we doin’ it right. And how about you, man, how you holding up?
Corin: Oh, I’m doing okay.
Silky: That’s good. That’s good to hear. It ain’t easy losing a grandpappy doing what you do.
Corin: Thanks for your concern, Silky. It’s not easy, but I do my best to make his memory proud.
Silky: That’s good. That’s good to hear. That’s all you can do sometimes. I’m glad you’re holding up. You look good. You look good. You taking care of yourself.
Corin: Thanks, yeah. I’m doing my best. How about you?
Silky: Oh, you know how I do, Corin. Just keepin’ on doing what I’m doing and when I get it done, you’ll know it’s done..
Corin: Good. that’s good to hear. So, Silky, can you tell our shareholders what it is you do in the Division of Black and Blues and just how important it is that they pledge their money?
Silky: Oh, they know how we do. We just keep on doing it, and we keepin’ things together and we doin’ more things and we keepin’ them things doing what they do when we doing what we do down there. Alright. We gotta make sure that everybody keeps going and do what they do. It’s like when I was a teenager, I used to help my grandmammy with the chores in the mornings when she doin’ it. And every morning she’d cook breakfast for all of us when we doin’ what we do, you know there were ten, maybe fifteen of us kids doing this thing we run around doing stuff, and she’d cook for all of us. One day I was helping her do what she do with the pancakes, and she’s flipping the pancakes, and she’s making the pancakes do what they do, and before I know it, there’s a whole stack of pancakes beside her. And I looked at that stack of pancakes while I was doing what I was doing, and I said, “Grandmammy, there ain’t no way we’re eatin’ all them pancakes when you doin’ that.” And she’d just laugh and laugh and she’d make more and more pancakes.
Corin: I… um… did you eat all of the pancakes?
Silky: Aw, you know how we do it, Corin.
Corin: Um… yeah. Tell the shareholders why their money is so important to you.
Silky: You know how we do, Corin. And we can’t do it without them. We do it for them, we do it by them, we do it with them, you know what I’m talking about? It’s all for them. They help us, and we help them right back. We get it done. But, you know, it’s no bother when we doin’ it. You know, Corin, it’s a bit like this: When I was a little boy, – that was a long time ago, mind you when I was doing that – I used to go down by the dock with my grandpappy. And we used to catch fish all day when the fish was doing what they doing. Just catchin’ fish all day. We kept some of ‘em, and we threw the small ones back. And every time, grandpa would look at me and say, “That’s what makes the world do what it do.” And I’d nod along. But then I’d say, “but grandpa, what if the world don’t do it like that that way.” Then he would put a hand on my shoulder and squeeze it real tight – he had these warm hands, Corin – and he’d look me in the eye and say “It just does. It just do that when it do what they doin’ and they down there doin’ it.” You know what I’m talking about, Corin? You know what I’m saying? You know what I’m saying.
Corin: Yeah. That makes… a lot of sense.
Silky: Of course it do, Corin. That’s what it do.
Corin: Well, Silky, I certainly appreciate you taking time out of your busy work day to come talk with me like this.
Silky: Of course, Corin. Any time all you got – you know I’m a phone call away, you know that boy? You go ahead and do what you do with the phone and I’ma come down and I’ma make sure we do what it do to get it done.

Well, shareholders, if that doesn’t make you feel like pledging today, then I don’t know what will. Store.KakosIndustries.com. While we let Silky get back to work, I have a written statement from the Division of Drugs and Whores. They write, “At the Division of Drugs and Whores, we take your investment in this company very seriously. We try to do with the money what you would want us to do with it, what you would do with it yourself. We take the money and partner with representatives from countries all over the world to get things done. We take the money, and we use it where it is most desperately needed. We help, we hurt, we do Evil, and we don’t give a fuck.” Thanks, guys, that’s some good information. The charts indicate that Evil is up another couple of million. Shareholders, we need to get Evil way up. Like way way up. Please take all of the change from your couch, run down to a change into cash machine, bring back the cash, and put that into the Piggy Bank Clock Radio. We don’t want your bullshit coins, okay. Whole bills. Twenties or higher preferably. Or just go to Store.KakosIndustries.com

Shareholders, our next guest is from the Division of Talking to Yourself. Welcome to the broadcast.

B: Oh, thank you for having me.
A: Wow, you really do sound just like me.
B: It’s almost like… you’re talking to yourself?
A: Oh, man that’s exactly right. Wow. I like that.
B: We aim to please.
A: Well, I think it’s time we told the shareholders listening in what it is that you do for us here at Kakos Industries and what their money goes to.
B: Well, that’s easy enough. We specialize in producing the highest quality conversations between one or fewer parties.
A: Outstanding. And what does the money go to?
B: Well, we mostly spend the money on our hobbies and keeping ourselves busy.
A: And how do you have the time to do all of that, with all of your innovations into single person conversations?
B: Well, that’s the beauty of it. We don’t even really need to do anything. We pretty much set up the division of checked out. We’ve been able to phone it in ever since.
A: But how is that possible? You’re clearly doing your job right now.
B: Look around, Corin. There’s no one there. You’re talking to yourself.
A: Holy shit look at that. Damn those guys are good. Alright, we should move on shareholders.

I have here a prepared recording from the Division of Goats.

Cool. Thanks, guys. And surprisingly, Evil is way up after that. Keep those pledges coming. Store.KakosIndustries.com. We’ll be answering phones until we get enough of you to pledge support. I mean, you won’t be on the phone calls, of course. Those are personal. We don’t want to talk to you. Just keep putting all of your money in the piggy bank or spending it online at store.kakosindustries.com. Go donate your plasma or your semen or whatever useful parts you have and take the money home and put it into the piggy bank. In the event that we are buying your parts and juices, you might just get a coupon in return, but you can still put that into the piggy bank. Please don’t put any blood, semen, or any other fluids into the piggy bank directly. We’ll know it was you. And we won’t think it was funny. Store.kakosindustries.com

Next up, we have Clarissa Nevans from the Division of ASMR.
(The noise floor raises slightly)
Corin: Welcome, Clarissa.
(Clarissa speaks very softly)
Clarissa: It’s wonderful to be here, Corin. Sssssssss.
Corin: It… it makes my head feel weird when you talk.
Clarissa: It’s supposed to, Corin. Do you like the sound of my voice?
Corin: It’s strange.
Clarissa: It should feel good, Corin. skskskskskskskskskssk
Corin: It feels like… something. Anyway, tell us how the shareholders’ money helps you.
(Clarissa begins to tap on glass)
Clarissa: Well, it helps us to produce high quality ASMR content with a distinctly Evil feel. Using our patented voice patterns, we can get people to do just about anything. Not to mention make them feel really good right at the base of their skulls. Obey obey.
Corin: Yeah, or something.
Clarissa: You’ve got to be feeling something, Corin. Satan’s balls satan’s balls stan’s balls.
Corin: This is really strange. It’s like you’re sticking your tongue in my ear.
Clarissa: Don’t you like the way I sound? Buy a fanny pack buy a fanny pack buy a fanny pack.
(Corin shivers)
Clarissa: You’re so tense, Corin. Sex is dirty sex is dirty sex is dirty.
(Clarissa begins to scratch on things)
Corin: I think that we’ve heard what we need to, Clarissa. Thank you for joining us.
Clarissa: No problem, Corin. Good bye.

(Corin shivers again)
I am certainly glad that is over. Bluh. I’ve never understood why people like that division, but it it’s hard to argue with their numbers. After that interview, Evil is way up. And it’s taken on a slightly sexy shape. I’m not sure what that means. Please keep going to Store.kakosindustries.com. Next up, we have scheduled a phone call with our workers at the Echo Tree Forest.
(A tone, then static)
Hello?
(Corin’s voice echoes on and on until it turns into a deafening shriek)
(A tone, the echo stops)
Shareholders, I think I might have just killed everyone in the echo tree forest. That was a mistake. But, it does look like Evil is up. Good news there.

Now we hear from the Division of Noise. Please introduce yourself for the shareholders.
(Noise)
Excellent. It is good to hear from you, Tobias. Now, please tell our shareholders why they should invest more in our operations here.
(Noise)
Well, you certainly can’t argue with ideas like that. It just makes too much sense.
(Noise)
I can certainly see that.
(Noise)
You don’t say. Really?
(Noise)
Wow. That was truly inspirational. Thank you for joining us.
(Noise)

I have here a prepared statement from the Division of Dionysia, the division responsible for all of our celebrations. They write, “Without us, no one could ever party. If you like to party, become a better shareholder today. Give us your money, and party like you mean it.” I think you should listen to them shareholders. Store.KakosIndustries.com

Now, shareholders, we have the pleasure of hearing from Dennis Leelio, the head of TINFOIL. In case you don’t know, TINFOIL is The Intergalactic Network For Otherworldy Industry Liaisons. Dennis is in charge of managing all of our extraterrestrial operations.

Corin: So, Dennis, thank you so much for joining us.
Dennis: Oh it’s not a problem Corin it’s not like I had to leave an intergalactic trade meeting, and leave Derek, my assistant, in my stead to handle my affairs. What can I do for you today?
Corin: Uh, well, I was hoping you could tell us a little bit about TINFOIL and what Tinfoil does.
Dennis: At TINFOIL, we get in contact with all of the nearby aliens, you see. They come in, they need identification and paperwork and I give them a number. When these aliens come in, we have to process them in a specific order. We have to make sure they’re all accounted for, all of their bodily orifices have to be salted, and then we have to make sure warring clans don’t get too close together like the Hoobidydangs getting near the Ehrmagerdians, okay, we can’t have that or that’s an intergalactic incident on our hands.
Corin: Ah yeah. That does sound very difficult.
Dennis: Oh it’s really not a problem at all, Corin, just like me being here. I’m not gonna lie to you, Corin. There’s some nasty shit out there. Like weird, nasty shit. Space is disgusting. All kind of fluids, and touching. Touching! Take the Meebleks, for instance. They have these two long tongue organy things that they just rub on each other all the time. They never stop I’m telling them to stop and they won’t. And I’m like, yo, we’ve got some business to do over here, if you could take a second, and they don’t listen, and then they try to touch you with it and they get their spit jizz all over your desk. Okay? And Derek’s no where to help wipe it up. And that’s the one job I paid him to do.
Corin: Uh, well, you know, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, Dennis, it’s just that I kind of figured that somebody who was in charge of handling all of these various aliens might be I don’t know just a little bit more sensitive to their different cultures and rules and ways of doing things?
Dennis: It’s objectively disgusting, Corin. They should know better. We’re thinking about telling them that sex kills kittens or something so we can just have a smoother operation on a daily basis.
Corin: Well, I mean, that sounds like something we would do.
Dennis: Exactly. I brought a jar of the spit jizz so you can get a whiff of it. Here take a- take a- breathe that in.
Corin: Oh no, I can smell it.
Dennis: You smell it?
Corin: It is the worst thing I’ve ever smelled.
Dennis: Yeah, not so sensitive now, are you?
Corin: Alright, so let’s get back on track, shall we? Could you tell me where the shareholders’ money goes?
Dennis: It’s not going into my pockets, Corin. And it’s definitely not helping me to get a better assistant, like one that’s better than Derek. I made him a ham and cheese sandwich today and he couldn’t even eat it without drooling on himself. So no, the shareholders’ money doesn’t go to me, it goes to the system.
Corin: Uh, okay, well that all sounds great, Dennis. Thank you so much for stopping by, and, uh, if you don’t mind, on your way out, I would really appreciate it if you could take that jar down to the Division of Smells. I think they might be able to do something with it.
Dennis: Of course, Corin! That’s what I’m here for, for taking jars to other floors in your building. That’s what I enjoy doing. It’s not a problem. Derek is just doing whatever the hell he wants right now, and I should take this jar down to a floor! Okay, I got it. Alright, he didn’t even give me the cap. Goddammit. I – listen – where – what door? what – I’ve gotta call Derek. Why are we not even.. wh-where’s the elevator? What? I don’t get it!

I was supposed to have a meeting with the Director of the Division of Labyrinthian Lab Layouts, but he has not arrived yet. I certainly hope that he is not lost somewhere.

I have here a note from one of our residents in Hell. “Oh Evil, it is terrible, the pain, the effort, the hopelessness. It is hell. There are no joys, just awful, awful pain, and occasionally a little bit of boning, and then a whole lot more work. I used to just push a cart full of rocks, but they decided that wasn’t enough, and now I push a cart full of rocks, with some additional rocks in my butt. I carry rocks in my butt. This is the worst.” Well, that was graphic. Keep those pledges pouring in shareholders. Evil is way up, but we’re not quite high enough yet. Store.KakosIndustries.com.

Now we hear from the Division of Secrets. Please welcome their representative, Lucas Grohk.

Lucas: Thank you for that welcome, Corin.
Corin: Not a problem. Tell me Lucas, how are things going with the Division of Secrets.
Lucas: They’re going really, really well, Corin. Really well.
Corin: That’s good to hear. Can you tell us a little bit about that?
Lucas: Nope. I’d love to, but I can’t.
Corin: Nothing? I mean, what does the money go for then?
Lucas: I can’t say a thing, sorry.
Corin: Nothing at all?
Lucas: Well, there’s this one thing–
(A shot, followed by a falling sound)
Corin: He appears to be dead, shareholders. You know what, they are just really crazy about their secrets. If nothing else, that should tell you how serious we are about Evil. Pledge now. Store.KakosIndustries.com

I have a note here. The Division of Pharmaceutical Advancements, or DMT for short, wanted to attend today, but something came up, and that something was “a marathon on television and some dank weed”. Shareholders, look on the bright side. They couldn’t have skipped out on today if they hadn’t’ve engineered that specific strain of dank-ass weed. We have them to thank for that. Keep those pledges coming. Spend money at Store.KakosIndustries.com.

And now we have a very special treat. We will now hear from the final special guest, Felix Moloch, from the Division of Insurmountable Fear.

Corin: Felix, how are things?
Felix: Things are wonderful, Corin.
Corin: That’s… good. Tell the shareholders a little about the sort of thing you do.
Felix: Well, Corin: We specialize in creating the things that really make our worst nightmares come true. We make the things that cause horror in every living thing. We’ve even found ways to make plants fear for their lives in quantifiable terms.
Corin: You sound really calm about that.
Felix: Oh, I am.
Corin: I’ve seen what you guys work on, and I would have to assume it would haunt you. How do you sleep?
Felix: I sleep really well, Corin. I wake up every morning refreshed, and excited to do what I love.
Corin: You’re not scared? I thought the fear was insurmountable.
Felix: Aren’t we all always scared, Corin? Fear is constant, and death is behind every door. If someone or something wants to kill us, it can and will. We don’t really have a say in the matter. Isn’t it better to enjoy what we have while we’re here?
Corin: That’s interesting. You know, there are some days where you’re not expecting to learn things.
Felix: I do my best. All of you shareholders should pledge, because if you don’t, then your worst nightmares will come true. I’ll see to it myself.
Corin: Well, you can’t be any clearer than that. Thanks for joining us.
Felix: Not a problem.

That is it for our guests. But we still have one division to hear from. That’s the Division of Shameless Begging, directed by Corin Deeth III. Shareholders, we are a profitable business. We make lot of things, and we do lots of things. But we can always do more. And knowing that you have pledged does wonders for morale, and leaves us more or less literally swelling with Evil. You might not know this, but the money that goes into these broadcasts comes directly from the shareholder pledge fund. The sounds you’re hearing. The machinery that makes it possible. And Soundman Steven’s erection. It’s all from you. Right now, Soundman Steven is giving me an emphatic thumbs up. He’s still hard. Don’t let him turn his thumb upside down. Get your friends involved. Renew your shareholder status. Buy things. Store.KakosIndustries.com.

This week, we are taking credit for pledge drives, telethons, and viewers like you. If you disagree with any of these things, your shareholder status will be revoked, and you will have to prove yourself to us once again in, I don’t know, ten minutes? Does that sound fair? Certainly, you can buy something in ten minutes. Store.KakosIndustries.com

Harold Fleek has won the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Harold’s lifelong nemesis will be ruined. Harold has selected Quincey Ince. The Wheel of Misery spun several times around before landing on Flavor Swap. From now on, Quincey Ince’s pallet will not be what it once was, and never will be again. Salty things will taste sweet, sweet things sour, and a variety of other flavors will change, leaving things that smell and look awful tasting the best, and the most exquisite delicacies tasting revolting. For good measure, Harold Fleek will now only be able to taste on the left side. Congratulations on the win.

And that brings us to the end of the broadcast. Please take the Piggy Bank Clock Radio and place it outside. The Guild of Transmission will take care of it from there. And do not forget to improve your standing with us here by spending money on us. Store.KakosIndustries.com. The numbers are next.

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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is all about that ass. Special guest appearance in this episode by Hanna Jones and Anwar Newton. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered the horror of nature?

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