What you are about to hear will cuddle you from the inside.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am your humble host and CEO. Shareholders, I have bad news… hahaha, I bet I got you for a minute there. I bet you started to think the worst. That something had gone wrong since you last heard from me, like another kidnapping or war or something. Well, something has gone wrong. I have a little bit of a sunburn on my forehead. Apparently, when you sweat, your sunblock runs. Just how did I get sunburned, you might be asking yourself. Well, after the last couple months we’ve had here at Kakos Industries, I felt it was time for a break, so I moved the entire staff to our vacation location on the beaches of Kakos Island. Where is Kakos Island? Well, I was surprised to find out that the official answer is “Yes.” That’s right, the official answer from the officials here at Kakos Industries to the question starting with the word “where” is “Yes.” They could have made it “Fuck you”, but I guess they weren’t feeling quite that friendly. Could have been “classified.” Instead, it says “Yes, The Ocean, Earth?” With a question mark. The Division of Hiding and Seeking are a bunch of assholes, and everyone knows it. Kakos Island does have some year round staff, but there are also stations in the building here for most of our staff from the main branch. I singled out all of the people I could remember for sure were not on our side of the battle, and also a few people who would really ruin the mood of our island vacation. They had to stay at the main branch. Also the people working on location specific projects. The rest of us get to split our time doing massive amounts of Evil, and hanging out on the beach. It’s work, yes, but the change of scenery is nice. The Exectopode are enjoying their time in the water. I am told that Brosephus has the intention of teaching me to surf while we’re here. If I understand correctly, he’s having someone teach him right now. Then he will teach me those skills. Maybe we should focus on something he already knows. It’s not that important. Soundman Steven is here as always. Sometimes I think he takes the broadcasts more seriously than I do, and they are not a mandatory part of his job description. He’s shaking his head. I guess these announcements are a part of his job description after all. He’s dressed for the vacation here, wearing a pair of colorful board shorts that are doing nothing to restrain the erection he developed when we set up the studio years ago. Still as firm as ever, Soundman? He’s nodding yes. You know, I haven’t thought about this before, but is there any chance that this is a medical condition, Soundman? Should we be worried about this erection that has lasted so long? He’s shrugging. With a slightly worried look on his face. How about a friend? Do we need to get you a friend? I apologize for not asking sooner. He’s shaking his head no. Shareholders, it seems that his only love is The Sound. In other news, I’ve seen Kimmie just sort of lying in the sand on the beach, no towel, half a bikini, and the tide threatening to take her away at any time. She’ll… she’ll snap out of it.
This broadcast is coming to your from our partners at Tropical Telephonics and their patented Plantain Phone. Ring Ring Ring, It’s Plantain Phone! Hopefully, you answered the call. It’s really the only way you would be hearing this broadcast. I don’t have too many technical details here, but this should sound much better than your average phone call. And it probably won’t drive you to insanity. Tip you towards insanity, perhaps. No driving though. We checked to make sure. If this call is not for you, for example, if you’re not a shareholder, you should hang up the Plantain Phone. Otherwise, you may begin to experience some auditory hallucinations. Our shareholders are not immune to these auditory hallucinations, they’re just used to them. There are some benefits of knowing the darkness.
The theme for this year’s Agriculture Festival was Tubers. As you remember, last year Galacton imports merely challenged their own victorious plant from the year before. This year, it seems that a number of companies decided to challenge them, even in the face of certain defeat. We set a tuber theme hoping that it would narrow down what was allowed, and give more companies a fighting chance. What we didn’t realize at the time was that most of the competition would happen underground. You were given a specialized television tuner that allowed you watch the festival. We had numerous cameras set in place to capture the event from every angle. Then teams from Galacton, Giant Ass Foods, Thorgonus, and many others buried their entries and then ran as quickly as possible to their vehicles to get off the surface of... That particular celestial body. The details are secret, I’m afraid. I am allowed to say that it’s hard to see. So there’s that. Then, there was a lot of rumbling. And the ground shook. Dirt flew everywhere. The crust of the celestial body’s surface cracked and upended. But we couldn’t see a damn thing when it came to the action. The tubers did produce leaves and stalks to acquire solar energy, but the real business was underground. At the end of the violent, albeit obscured, conflict, the Galacton Imports tuber managed to bring itself up out of the ground with the slaughtered remains of its competitors. Another victory. Maybe we’ll do vines next year. You know, something we can see.
When I arrived at the Festival of Doom, it had been going on for maybe an hour, and yet I found people sobbing and pulling on their hair, rocking back and forth outside the gates. The celebration took place on one of the sparser sections of the Kakos Industries lawns. The Division of Dionysia had set up a carnival of sorts. They really outdid themselves on the decoration. The wrought iron fences were twisted and gnarled. Each facade seemed to outperform the last at presenting harsh and imposing architecture and menacing color choices. I found myself waiting with a group of people at the gate, which was closed. Then, an employee from the Division of Dionysia slowly opened the gate, sighing heavily. He wore a sack over his head with a few holes cut to see out of. The gate made this unholy creaking sound. It popped and squeaked and sounded like it might just fuse to the other side of the hinges. As we walked deeper into the carnival, we began to hear screaming, and crying we saw people running to the gates, only to have them shut just before they could leave. Yet I saw no blood, no gore, no physical harm of any kind. The imagery wasn’t even particularly violent. In the distance, I saw the roller coaster. A small line of dead-eyed shareholders waited for their turn. I understand that their designs for this roller coaster were based loosely on the designs for the Euthanasia Coaster, but they stepped it back a few places to make sure no one died. Ahead of me in line, I saw Kimmie. She actually seemed bored. The carnival wasn’t doing it for her. I waved, but she didn’t see me, so I just waited my turn quietly. While I waited, another employee from the Division of Dionysia leaned his head on my shoulder and started crying. He was wearing a mask, but I think I know who it was. The roller coaster was intense. I don’t really know how else to describe it. At the end, I was not dead, but I felt quite close to it. I felt my doom in a visceral way. I was… much harder than I expected. I took a moment to catch my breath on a nearby bench. A man from the Division of Dionysia approached me and said I could leave. I said that there were other attractions. I’d only seen one. He said that one was enough, and directed me to the gate. It’s been a lot to think about. As I was leaving, I saw Kimmie get in line for the roller coaster again.
Coming up, we have both the Water Festival and the Earth Festival. Watching Kakolantis doesn’t really have the same impact now that I know I can’t destroy them even if I wanted to. For those of you who don’t remember, Kakolantis was an underwater colony we started to watch destroy itself through deregulation. They experienced a radical political swing and have been living in harmony ever since. Then, my recent usurper pressed the detonation button, only to find that the citizens of Kakolantis had deactivated the many explosive devices. It was both a relief and a disappointment. They’re still doing just fine down there. It’s a boring life, but a peaceful one. And there’s nothing we can do about it. Besides let them be. And reflect on how Evil can sometimes go wrong and produce that other thing. At the Earth Festival, we will no doubt be dosed with some potent drug grown from the Earth that will either take us on a magical journey through bliss and peace, or a magical journey through pain and self-realization. That’s assuming that we’re not still on this island. I mean, I like it here.
I just received a text from Brosephus. He says that there are some chicks on the beach, and I should wrap this up so he can be my wingman. Aw, that’s sweet of him. But we have so much more to talk about, shareholders. Like…
(fanfare and noise spike)
What the fuck is that? Is that a fucking fanfare?
King: (Maniacal laughter) Hello, Corin, my sweet, my dove, you cunning minx, you.
Corin: Oh, dear. Shareholders, may I introduce Leopold, King of Evilon.
King: My Lord.
Corin: Oh, you don’t have to call me that.
King: No, that’s what you’re supposed to call me.
Corin: I’m not going to do that. You know I’m not going to do that.
King: Of course. You always were a defiant one. Always skirting my advances. Well… Not always.
Corin: Heyyyyy… Is there something you wanted to discuss?
King: Yes, my dear Corin, my sweet and supple flower. There is something I wanted to speak to you about, something of royal importance.
Corin: We don’t actually recognize your authority here. You know that.
King: I need a Queen, Corin. A Royal Consort.
Corin: Did you want some recommendations? I can think of a lot of promising young women of Evil that would just love-
King: Don’t be ridiculous, Corin. A woman could never handle the love that I offer. At least not outside of my concubines.
Corin: I just assumed when you said “queen”... Well, I see my mistake.
King: Must we always play these games? There’s only one person on this planet who is Evil enough for me. Only one person who could keep me satisfied for the rest of my years. Only one person who could keep my various concubines in order.
King: are you going to guess, Corin?
Corin: I really don’t want to.
King: It’s you, my darling. It has always been you. You with your infinite Evil prowess. You with your beauty and genius. You, with that round and firm bottom that will never give a ruler a moment of peace. That bottom that cries out to me in my dreams. Begging for the crown jewels…
Corin: That’s… enough. Leopold, you know that I have other responsibilities. I have to run this company. Even though I may have dreamt of the pampered lifestyle…
Corin: The endless buffets…
King: Always, my darling…
Corin: Fabulous vacations to remote parts of the world...
King: Whenever you wish...
Corin: My choice of the royal concubines…
King: Only on Wednesdays…
Corin: Unimaginable wealth…
King: Extracted by force from the many serfs. And don’t forget about me, Corin. The most Handsome man Evilon inbreeding has to offer.
Corin: You are disturbingly handsome, it’s true. Most of the time it actually makes me pretty angry.
King: Wed with me, Corin. We can be one. Join me in the royal bed chambers… again.
Corin: Leopold, please. Not in front of the shareholders.
King: I must insist, Corin. Be mine, or we will declare war on your organization. It will be the first time in Evil history that a non-governmental organization will be declared war upon by such an outmoded form of governing as mine.
Corin: How many people is that?
King: I represent masses, Corin. The Kingdom of Evilon knows no boundaries. It would be great if we could get wireless Internet, though.
Corin: What are my other options?
King: Well, you, my sweet, and I could engage in a gentleman’s duel for your love.
Corin: Just to be clear, we would be using actual swords this time right?
King: Oh, you. There’s no getting anything past you. I remember that day vividly. I challenged your honor, we undressed, we batted our wing wangs against each other.
Corin: I thought it was a competition.
King: A competition of youthful libidos.
Corin: And I won.
King: You most certainly did. But let’s not lie to ourselves here, Corin. You knew exactly what you were doing. And you enjoyed yourself.
Corin: Very well. But it’s not because I was caught up in the majesty of it all. And I wasn’t charmed by your wealth or possessions. It was just the right thing at the time.
King: We could have that again, Corin.
Corin: I’ll see you at the duel, Leopold.
(the noise drops)
Shareholders… I don’t… let’s move on.
I think that being by the beach has really allowed our employees to relax and get past the horrors they experienced recently. That being said, it probably doesn’t sound particularly Evil at this moment, does it? Well, what if I told you the island might actually be on the back of an enormous ocean dwelling animal? That’s getting a little more Evil isn’t it? Also, there’s a lot of sex. Just people on the beach getting sand where it is difficult to remove. The people who live on this island run around naked on the beaches, and if you ask, they’ll give you fan service, which is where they fan you off when it gets warm. You also have to get naked, but that’s not all that big of a deal is it? Much of the sand on the beach is stolen from other beaches. By pirates. And the rest is ground bones of unknown origin. I mean, we know, but you don’t. Also, there’s a lot of yachting, which is pretty self-explanatory. And stealing underwear is way too casual. I say that not having any underwear left. I’m wearing swim trunks under a business suit, you nasty pervs. Also, there may have been nuclear testing here once upon a time. You know, back when it was popular. Can’t forget about that. The sea life is… abnormal. Like nothing you’ve seen before. There are some… human fish. Like half human, half fish. It’s complicated if you haven’t seen them before. I spoke to a fisherman once who said, “They’ve got two fish tails, yarrghh, one for each leg, so you can still get to the goods if they let you, yarrgghh. But you have to be careful. They don’t know what birth control is. Yarrghh.” The human-fish mostly human on top. Their tails remind me more of dolphin or whale tails, but shaped more like human legs. I don’t know. It’s weird. I haven’t heard of it before. There’s way more women than men, too, which makes me think they freak out and kill each other or something. These human fish things mostly stick to the reefs and rock structures out to sea a ways. They make fun of us for walking on land. Sometimes we have to fight them because of that. They’re really mean.
Sometimes Evil is like an impressionable young islander. You never know if you deserve their affection, or if they just spend time with you because you have an exotic look and tales from distant lands. This is things we’re taking credit for now. This week, we’re taking credit for surface dwelling giant squids, ultrasharks, and man-eating seaweed. For once, I’m actually pretty sure we’re responsible for all of those things. If you disagree, then you’re invited on our next vacation. It will be a wonderful day or two on the beach with nice weather before I send you out to the waters where you will fall victim to one of these three things. Oh, I forgot about the really big clams that like to snap shut on your legs. Bastards.
Molly Bloomth has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of her nemesis will be ruined. Molly has selected Alfonse Moliere as her target. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a decent amount of force. And then we tried to spin it again to get something island themed. It wouldn’t budge. Anyway, the space it landed on was “Slightly Floaty”. We had to look this one up, but it seems that from this day forward, Alfonse Moliere will have trouble staying firmly planted on the Earth. His body will take on lighter than air gases, and it will begin to fight with gravity. In strong winds, he will find himself out of control, grasping at anything that will keep him from flying miles away. For good measure, Molly Bloomth will be more dense. She won’t have any trouble staying close to the Earth. Getting up will be another thing, though. We’ve all been there, right? Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
And that brings us to the end of this broadcast. I’m probably going to take off my suit and hit the beach again. It seems like the thing to do. We’re here. And I have a lot of stress to work out. What’s that? Am I about to be kidnapped? I’m just kidding, shareholders. Everything is fine. Except I have a duel coming up. I should probably brush up on my swordsmanship. I’m probably going to have to kill Leopold. Oh well. The numbers are next. If you think about any two of them at once, you might begin to have strange experiences, and you may never return to who you once were.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently raving. Special Guest appearance in this episode by Andrew Bueker. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, and Courtney Campbell. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That's Patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
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