What you are about to hear is Freebird slowed down 1000x.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. Kakos Industries is the premier organization helping you and all of our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am still CEO of Kakos Industries, though I will admit that my position has grown a bit more complicated. Since you last heard from me, we’ve negotiated for the release of the residents of the Time Pseudo-Dilation Chamber. The contract that I signed saw to that. It also gave them temporary lodging on the premises. Each of these Sudodilatese are being screened for their ideal place inside our organization. That was another stipulation of the agreement. They do not have to go through any sort of periodic rectal screenings as previously promised, though we did get them to agree to genetic testing and other similar tests to see if they developed anything special during their several thousand years of separation. Besides culture and all that nonsense. There are some promising leads on that front, but I do not have enough information to tell you any more. We’re hoping to discover what makes them so tall and thin, and what makes all of their features appear so sunken. Of course, some people opted to stay behind inside of the Time Pseudo-Dilation Chamber. You can’t argue with the old and the crotchety. And fortunately, there is nothing left to argue, because they are almost certainly dead by now. In fact, the people that were rescued aged many years during the negotiations. We are not sure as of right now if there are new generations being born there. Belladonnica will be exempt from the testing seeing as her bloodline hasn’t been in the chamber all that long. That was in the contract as well.
This broadcast is coming to you from the cheap radio in your first gift out of your nine days of Anti-Celebration. It’s a surprise we’ve been working on specially for you, shareholders. I can’t spoil what the next eight days will bring, but you will get something from us each day. This may be a blessing or a curse. The radio, as you have probably observed, is a cheap piece of shit. It’s not going to last past the day. In fact, every vibration if its tiny little driver is whittling away at an exceptionally short lifespan. It is entirely possible that you will not be able to hear anything I say by the end of the broadcast. The spec sheet says “Happy this radio will merriment your holidays to enjoyment making.” That should give you an idea of what we’re working with here. It continues, “Sound will the happiness happy bring home for the snow holiday. Pride will be to capitalist jolly white overlord.” This is your invitation to crank it. There isn’t a knob for that, though, so you’ll just have to move it closer to your ears.
Did you enjoy the Festival of Cloud Watching, shareholders? As you are probably aware, the Kakulonimbus device did not exist, but we put one together. And then we scrapped it and built an upgraded model, the Kakulonumbus II. It’s not exactly what Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations volume 11 indicated, but it’s close. We were hoping to create a vast array of indecent cloud shapes, but mostly we only figured out how to do dicks. I mean, there were a lot of dicks. Curvy dicks. Straight dicks. Dicks with a job and sense of purpose. Just a whole lot of dicks. At the end there was what I’m assuming was supposed to be a vulva, but it didn’t come out quite right. If you found yourself itchy after laying on our grass lawn, it probably wasn’t your allergies. It was instead our new Kakos Industries Evil Ants. They were tasked with a double blinded study regarding venom. If you didn’t know, then I’ll tell you now that ants are exceptionally rigorous when it comes to scientific endeavors. Your participation has been appreciated. If your skin has become purple due to anything we’ve done, then you should probably call us soon. We don’t know why your skin would turn purple; we just want to see it if it did happen. You know, just in case. Someday.
Coming up we have Yule. The Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations volume 11, which we found near the mystery contraption months ago, has a section about this festival. It says, “Dress up like a Krampus and spank people.” That’s definitely how we used to do this festival, before we engineered the mighty and Evil KakoKrampus. Unfortunately, we may have to return to that way of doing things, because our engineers also developed a bride of KakoKrampus. You may recall that KakoKrampus is female, so yes, they are a lesbian couple of Krampus monsters. They’ve gotten to be really close and they seem to like each other a lot. It’s cute. If you ignore the matted fur and razor sharp teeth. We have that problem sometimes. We make hideous monsters of pure Evil, and then we ruin them by making them do something cute. Like the time we put that lady Ultra-Hyena in a dress. It tried SO HARD to make that dress work. The problem, more specifically, is that since the KakoKrampi shacked up, they have seemed to lose a little bit of interest in harvesting Evil children. I’ve even seen them nurturing some of the Evil children they got last year. They feed them, and make them clothes. It’s… disappointing. Determined to make lesbian monsters into lesbiande, we’re going to let them watch the children for a while longer and see the effects. So I may have to dress up as a Krampus monster and spank people with my bundle of sticks. Let’s make it an orderly line, okay? No more than three spanks each, but you may count them out as loud as you’d like, and any sort of climax you have is up to you. It’s not my responsibility to get you there, so you might want to edge yourself in advance. We have also developed drones to search out Evil children. They will watch their activity closely, sniff out their Evilness at an accuracy level 90% of that of the Krampi, and bring them to us for training and/or feeding to monsters. I would also like to congratulate our most recent group of graduates from this Evil child program. It wasn’t easy, and some didn’t survive, but the remainder are adults now and should be prepared for lucrative careers in Evil.
Also coming up is New Year’s. Did you make the most out of this year? Well, there’s always next year. There is something in our new rule book indicating that “something weird might happen on New Year’s Day.” That is so vague it could be anything at all. Well, I guess we’ll see what happens.
I have news from Hell. You see, one of our managers there brought back some of that “Eatin’ Slime.” He spent a couple of days walking around the building asking people to try it. He said it was wonderful, and that it had changed his life. He also said it was super cheap to produce and eco-friendly. He just walked around with the stuff on a spoon, just looking for a welcoming mouth. Just one. The Eatin’ Slime looks a bit like movie snot, you know the stuff they make to look like snot in movies. I suppose it looks like real snot, too, but you just rarely see that much of it. At least I don’t. We caught this manager from Hell trying to work it into the meals in the cafeteria, and on one occasion, my personal food supply, so we caved and made the Director of the Culinary Division try it. He said, “It tastes like sperm, maybe dolphin sperm, with a hint of rosemary. Overall, not bad.” We were looking into taking the food into a broader production when we found that same manager from Hell talking to himself and pulling his hair out. We can’t ignore the possibility that the slime is to blame. We sent word down to Hell that the Eatin’ Slime should be discontinued as a food stuff, but our messengers found that the fortress built into the wall of the cavern by the settlers was empty except for blood and body parts. It would seem that they were overrun. Fortunately, a new group of settlers are scheduled to take over the old fortress tomorrow.
I should probably get to the part of the announcements I’ve been avoiding. You see, Grace Rule is one-hundred percent trustworthy, and you know that she has the best interest of Evil in mind at all times, except apparently those times that have something to do with Belladonnica. She moved in with Grace, by the way. In addition to making accommodations for all of the people from the Time Chamber, I understand that they needed something extra to keep all of Belladonnica’s minions happy. In the mythos that developed around Kakos Industries in the thousands of years that these people have been living separately from us, it has apparently come to be believed that the only path to true freedom for them would be through defeating my will, taking the company from me, and having the Usper marry me to salvage what they can of my Evil genome. Before you yell anything at the radio, don’t get ahead of me. You see, they couldn’t just kill me. That’s not how they get control of the company. I think it’s still on the books that, in the event of my untimely death, the executive board would have to pretend to communicate with my ghost via Ouija board until a suitable replacement can be found. Grace can’t hand over the company either. What she could do that is somehow not against the rules, was let Belladonnica keep me as her captive indefinitely. At this moment, I’m sitting in my recording studio. There are no hooded figures. At the end of the day, I get to go home. I get to sleep in my bed. But I am contractually her captive, and that arrangement may never end. In that way, Belladonnica may act through me for the benefit of her people. This is the part of the contract where they started to find it agreeable. Now, before you begin to worry that I’ve been compromised and that the company you love so much is in the hands of some nefarious group, or different nefarious group, then I should explain that Belladonnica can only force me to act once per month. The math is actually a little bit more complicated than that, but approximately once a month is the gist. The boundaries of that power are also more complicated than I would like to get into at this time. Finding myself defeated by this situation, I went to dinner with Belladonnica a few nights ago. She didn’t order me to do that. I’m still waiting to hear what her order for the month is going to be. Dinner was actually her idea, and I just thought it might be a good idea to maybe talk some things out. Or exchange written notes or whatever. We went down to one of our clients’ restaurants. Some sort of French cuisine. Hahahaha, the French are so Evil amirite? I’m not right. We help people perfect Evil cuisine of all nationalities. I got to the restaurant on time, and Belladonnica was waiting for me. She… is quite beautiful, shareholders. It’s not obvious right away with the extremely short hair and all the cloaks she’s been wearing, but, in a nice dress, it’s hard to ignore. She’s also not as short as I thought, though I do admit that I was under the impression that she was a man when I said that. I found myself nervous. Her appearance was decidedly intimidating, and I had no idea what she was expecting from me. She seemed uneasy herself. I caught her looking at all of the exits. My first thought was that she was scared of me, or what I represented, or how things might go between us and she was subconsciously trying to escape. The staff brought us beverages and menus. She took a sip of her drink and smiled at me awkwardly. The dental work in the Pseudo-Dilation chamber must have been excellent, though I think she may have had an extra canine tooth. She is lucky. Children of Evil usually have more… differences. It looked as though she might want to speak, but she held back. The language barrier is still a problem for most of the Sudodilatese, and Belladonnica especially seems concerned with the way she sounds. Instead, she produced an envelope. Inside of the envelope was a greeting card. The front of the greeting card was a cartoon of numerous barn animals dancing in a circle. Inside, the card read, “I’ve tried everything I know, but I just can’t make myself attracted to you.” That took me by surprise. Mostly because that was actually printed in the card. She learned enough about our greeting card culture to have that specially made. I said, “That’s okay, I’m not attracted to you either.” At that point, she tilted her head to the side and gave me this sardonic look of disbelief. Okay, she caught me. I said, “It’s not my fault! It’s biological. And if you didn’t want me to find you attractive, why would you dress like that to come see me?” She took back the greeting card and wrote a note in the corner. It said, “Evil.” Of course. Anyway, it’s not like I’m not used to seeing attractive people. In fact, Kakos Industries has loads of attractive employees walking around intentionally trying to sabotage productivity. It’s just kind of a thing that we do, and I can control myself. Then I said, “you know, I was really planning on eating something. Do you mind?” She shook her head and picked up her own menu. After that, we had a pretty good night. She conveyed to me through handwritten notes that having me totally subjugated should have been just the thing to get her going, but it did not. The trouble with her not being attracted to me is that it means that she is not the Usper of legend for her people. She has no interest in marrying me, or for salvaging my genome, though there is a part of the document I signed promising her… some of my sperm if she ever requests it. I’m not sure that part is binding. This difficulty she experienced caused a number of problems within her people. They tend to be a pious group, and deviating from the word of the prophecy indicated to many that it was not yet the right time. This is why they were so willing to help her capture me over and over again and subject me to bizarre sexual torments. They wanted to give her the chance to rule out any and all attraction. It seems that Grace was able to discover a number of these details and work them into an appropriate contract. I wish there had been more communication between me and her, but I guess it’s on me for not reading better. This is probably not the last I’ve heard of any of this. After dinner, Belladonnica kissed me lightly on the cheek, and whispered “goodnight, Corin” in my ear. Her accent was pretty okay. I did finally get to look at that tattoo, by the way. It’s… umm… well it’s going to get removed is what it is. Gonna get a whole new patch of skin, I am.
We caught Kimmie and Maggie kissing while working at Kakos Tower. The photo has been circulating everywhere here at Kakos Industries because those two are just so fucking adorable none of us can contain our inner creep. It just looks like such an honest kiss, you know? Like there’s no one in the world they would rather kiss. No one. And there’s no one any of us would rather kiss, either. I’m pretty sure the warmest, coziest place on this planet is between those two people. Why do they even work here? What the hell is wrong with them. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway, they cleared out all of the remaining floors of Kakos Tower somehow except for the bottom floor. We have to assume that it is the bottom floor where we will find the problem that caused all of these numerous security measures to go off, if that’s what they are. I am told that in getting to the bottom floor, they discovered one floor that was just fire, another floor that was filled with fish frozen in some sort of watery medium, another floor where three women in bondage gear were punishing a man in a ball gag, one instance of butt-chugging, and a lot of people stuck in time on the toilet. We got photos for blackmail purposes. Work on that final floor will continue.
The renegade sex toy sent us a picture of it in front of the St. Louis Gateway Arch. Its chassis was covered in stickers shaped like hearts and paintings reminiscent of the free love movement. When we got to St. Louis, the robot was long gone. There was, however, a large group of sexually satisfied people sleeping in a pile under a nearby tree. We also have reports of the robot massaging more hearts and minds on its way out of town.
They say that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. We ask what bird? and what bush? This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Please remember that Kakos Industries is vast, and frankly out of fucking control sometimes. We can’t know for certain what we’re doing or why we’re doing it. That being said, we’re fairly confident that we had something to do with each of the following: shaving irritation, dry skin, and being trapped in a human body. If you happen to disagree that we are in one way or another responsible for those things, then prepare yourself for no longer worrying about one of them. Our choice.
Hamilton Scone has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Hamilton’s nemesis will be ruined. Hamilton has selected Dr. Andrew Mobskopper, the reclusive chocolate tycoon. Ah, I see what you did there, Hamilton. No one knows where Dr. Mobskopper is hiding, and you’re expecting us to find him to do what we have to. Fair enough. Well played. We spun the Wheel of Misery. It began to spin faster and faster and faster, then the room began to get really warm. The Damnation and Ruination squad returned to their posts in protective gear as the Wheel began to calm down. It arrived at the space for “Someone always knows where you are and what you’re doing.” That’s going to really suck. I mean, for us to pull off. And also for him. For good measure, Hamilton Scone will remain totally unknown to everyone, including himself. Congratulations on the win. Best of luck.
And that brings us to the end of the broadcast. And I made it through without any serious complications. It seems like you might be able to wait until the next set of announcements without worrying that anything bad will happen to me. Grace is looking at me through the window to the studio here. Whatever it is, Grace, I’m sure it can wait. We don’t need the shareholders worrying needlessly. They can’t sell off their stock, but many more occurrences like this and they may want to. It can wait. She looks pretty determined shareholders. Anyway, the numbers are next.
Grace just slid a piece of paper under the door. Nothing to worry about shareholders. Nothing at all. Sonofabitch.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently firing .45’s all day into the sun. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered packing all of your shit into your car and just moving the fuck away?