What you are about to hear may leave you sexually attracted to flesh-tone wood stains.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Shareholders, I have some strange news to deliver. I am afraid that things have begun to get weird around the office here. When I was walking into the building today, I could see trails on people. Well, that’s not exactly what I mean. Behind each of our employees there is some sort of black or dark violet cloud that seems to lag just behind each person. If I look closely, I can see little trails flowing from the person into this cloud or void or whatever it is that follows them. I mentioned it to Grace Rule. She looked around a little and then told me that she was unable to see these voids. I asked her to do some research. She’s been working on it. It is truly unsettling to think that there might be some entity or other that is sapping the energy from our employees, or perhaps sucking away the matter that makes up their bodies. I wasn’t watching too closely where I was going earlier, and I accidentally walked into one of these clouds. Inside of it, I saw memories. Not mine, of the person the cloud was following. After that moment, I ran directly to the studio here where I have been ever since. There is a cloud behind Soundman Steven also. It’s in the booth with him, so I think it is contained. Despite all of these clouds, no one seems to be upset or feeling unwell, or really anything out of the usual. All of our metrics here in the building show that our productivity and brain function is where it always is. This can’t be a good thing, right? Despite the spooky occurrences inside of the building, I will try to continue the announcements as planned.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the Bomba Speaker made by client Bomba Audio. It’s a single, monophonic speaker. The design represents the height of quality and simplicity. It is meant to do a simple job, and to do it very well. The case, I will admit, does look exactly like a screaming toad. It’s like the toad is super upset with you. Like maybe you’re the one causing the toad such anguish. Why are you hurting it? What have you done? Well, you’re a Kakos Industries shareholder, which is actually enough to put you at odds with the majority of toad species out there. The others, of course, are neutral or in favor of Kakos Industries, but at this time they do make up the minority of the toad world. If you are not a shareholder, then that is good news if you like toads, but it is bad news if you like living. The toad-shaped radio from Bomba Audio emits a toxic fragrance that will slowly end your life. If you’re a shareholder, we’ve protected you from that toxic fragrance. I don’t know how. It just says that we did.
Shareholders, did you enjoy your Festival of Fertility? Those of you who attended were presented with a semi-literal buffet of men. I am told that you were permitted to pick out two or three of these men and do basically whatever you wanted so long as it involved getting their baby juice inside of you. It really gave our employees and shareholders the opportunity to bypass dating countless awful men to getting at what they really want, which is healthy, viable semen. That is of course the women who wanted that. I know that many of you out there are perfectly happy with the people in your lives, and you may have already selected a person to reproduce with if that’s your thing. There is no pressure to come to this festival if it is not specifically what you want. If you don’t want to extract the life-giving components from genetically engineered jizz-bags, then don’t come down. Also, if you don’t want to consume their flesh for important prenatal nutrients afterward. That’s a big deal. Sometimes that comes as a surprise to some people. What? I have to eat them? Dig in. Invariably, someone wants to take one of these guys home. We get it. They’re quiet. They’re attractive. They’re also not fully developed people. They’re basically just walking gamete factories. Why would we engineer them with minds if we’re just going to let you eat them? Honestly. I don’t know what some of you think. I remained in my office during the event because it’s not really my thing, and I don’t want anyone to try and eat me. I mean, a certain number of women are actually consumed each year and that’s definitely not encouraged. While I was in my office, I was notified that a male shareholder wanted to get into the event. I went down to the lobby to speak with him. You see, this happens a lot. There are quite a few male shareholders that are interested in what the buffet of men has to offer. Usually, we just tell them to go to the Festival of Man, which isn’t actually a festival so much as it is a gay club a short drive from our building. It’s basically the same thing every day but without women, or the cannibalism. He said that wasn’t it, though. He said he wanted to get in there where the women were. I told him that all of the men get eaten. He kind of shrugged. I sat him down. We had a talk and we played some cards. It seems that the Festival of Misery takes a lot out of each of us.
Speaking of which, how about that Festival of Misery, right guys? I mean, I sure cried a lot. Before anyone begins to make fun of me, let me make it clear that that was the point of the festival, okay? Crying is how you celebrate. Was I really crying, or just partying really hard? I prefer to think the latter. Anyway, most of you were crying just as hard. For those of you who didn’t make it this year, don’t take this as an indication of this festival being a big downer. It’s really important. It gives us the opportunity to recognize that part of us that is sad and withdrawn and grieving. A part we may cover up more often then we would like to admit. We brought out the official Kakos Industries Crier, Mable Cable Tanini, to get things rolling. And believe me, she is excellent at what she does. It is heartbreaking, pitiful, awful, ugly, and brilliant. HEaring her bawling was all most of us needed. Others got to cut onions for a little bit. And then the deluge. The basement ballroom has a certain echo to it, which you might not notice if things are quiet, but when things get really loud, like a bunch of people crying their eyes out, it reflects and twists the sounds, making them truly haunting. This lasted for quite a while. By the end of it, onions had been chopped, tomatoes had been cut, jalepeños had been sliced, and we all had some salsa. The endorphins from the spicy food made us feel a little better. Now that I think about it, though, that was when I first began to see these clouds form. It was like a physical manifestation of their emotions drawing away at them. I assumed I was just hallucinating from all the misery at the time.
We will not be gathering again for the Festival of Tripping Balls this year. You see, we’ve found that it’s much easier for us to watch all of you when you’re doing drugs on your own, which you already do plenty. The next time you’re having a really bad time because of something you’ve taken, just remember that we are there with you. We’re not there to help. We’re just there. Observing. There is no wrong answer. Just do you. At any rate, the new rule book has indicated that coming up we have the Festival of Somnambulation! It is odd that this old book would call for that seeing as how our Division of Somnambulation and Vegetation just discovered a method to control people’s sleep walking. I won’t bother telling you where or when the Festival is, because when it is time, you’ll know. Well, your subconscious will know. You will be more or less asleep. If you wake up one morning and the soles of your feet look like you’ve walked dozens of miles in a clumsy, half-waking state, then you’ll know that the festival went down. Please don’t be concerned about what we’re going to make you do. At the very least, don’t be any more concerned than usual. I am told that in this state you will only do those things that you would reasonably while awake. We’re not going to trick you into doing anything extra Evil. But it’s also not our problem if you happen to be more fun while sleepwalking. Maybe the wakeful part of you is totally overrated, you know? Maybe the sleepy part of you is where the party is at. You don’t know. Anyway, I am told there will be many things for all of us to do during the festival. In fact, our best team of people who are always sleepwalking are getting to work on it right now. Please don’t wake them up. That would ruin everything. And they also won’t remember where the last twenty years have gone and that would just be sad for everyone, okay?
I have just received a note from Grace Rule regarding the dark auras that I am seeing. Well, this is interesting for sure. It says here that in a very old text, there is some reference to the supreme Evil beings being able to see these types of auras. It is possible that I am watching death itself waiting behind people; I’m watching death sap the life of the living ever so slowly. Well I do have to say that that makes me feel better. Perhaps nothing is wrong at all and I have just discovered a new way of seeing the Evil around all of us. You know, now that I think about it, I can kind of see a figure of death behind Soundman Steven. No, no, don’t worry Soundman. You’ve got plenty of time left. Yes, I do suppose that was insensitive with all you’ve been through lately. I’m sorry Soundman. It’s just that I’ve got this special Evil vision. You wouldn’t understand. Only those of us supreme Evil beings can see these things.
I have news regarding Kakos Tower. It seems that we have successfully removed whatever liquid that is surrounding the building from another floor, recovering more perfectly preserved corpses. It seems that this next floor up is some sort of laboratory, but we are not sure yet what they were working on. There is some evidence to suggest that they may have been working on a preserving fluid that might be able to keep people preserved but alive for quite some time. It was something we were trying to develop to keep in case of emergencies. It would seem that an emergency did occur, but what that emergency is, we do not know. There seems to be some evidence for this preserving fluid theory because a number of the people we presumed to be dead have woken up. This is particularly awkward for the people that we autopsied hoping to find out what was wrong. On the bright side, what we had once classified as “Cause of Death: Inconclusive” is now most certainly “Cause of Death: Autopsy”. Those who have awakened are not yet able to tell us anything that occurred. Instead, we are all left with the horrible memories of what happened that day. The memories that none of us ever want to talk about again.
I have news from the Division of Sexual Experimentation. It seems that their new sex toy that peels back layers of societal oppression is working. Shareholders, if you remember, it was about a year ago that the Sexual Innovation Division worked out their female arousal gel that ended up turning a lot of the women they tested it on into what basically amounted to awful dudes. They were after some similar goals, so I have to say that I have some worries about the direction of this new project. The scientists in the DSE have promised me that their new device does nothing that could possible cause a woman to grow an awful mustache and develop new awful habits. This is a good thing, I believe. I am told that they have begun gathering test subjects by walking into crowds of women and saying the word “moist”. Those with the most explosive negative reactions are prime targets for what they are trying to do. From there, they have the relatively simple task of discovering the cause of these feelings, and then soothing it away with several massage patterns and several levels of intensity. I wished them good luck and reminded them that if they unleash any awful women who behave like awful dudes in the building, then they will be completely disbanded. It’s not like I haven’t done it before.
Belladonnica is still missing. Surely by now, I could have forgotten all about this. You could have also. But I keep bringing it up. Why? Well, now it’s because Grace has begun to dig holes in the many Kakos lawns in case Balldonnica was somehow buried. Personally, I’m not too worried about that contingency. My life may be longer if she isn’t here to try and murder me. I choose to believe that is in the best interest of Evil. The Evil you know and all that. Still, there are a number of holes and people are beginning to trip. Other are taking the opportunity to bury things. I’m not against the idea of having people’s buried pets in our various lawns, but I’m also not certain that they won’t ever just come back to life and try to kill all of us. Maybe I can see their auras in the ground with my new powers. I’ll just look out the window. Well, not yet. I can’t see them yet. Perhaps soon. That would be exciting. I am looking forward to predicting the rise of the dead.
Our attempts to de-extinct the dodo have finally given us some interesting results. And by that, I mean that we have de-extincted a small population of dodos. We had to use ostriches to lay those eggs, but we got the job done. Now the damage we had done to those animals so many years ago has been officially reversed. I mean, we haven’t released them into the wild, but we have started to farm them for their meat. I would tell you that we’re planning on giving the meat to some of our partners, but in truth, you’ve probably already eaten some dodo. They do not fear predators, you guys. It’s just so easy to be cruel to them. We can stack them six dodos high and they don’t even fight. They just walk around and then we kill them and eat them. They’re better than chickens in every single way. I had some dodo today. It was amazing. We probably could have waited a few weeks from restoring their populations to factory farming, but when we’ve got something that’s working, we have to milk it. They don’t even creep us out like that aurochs. Fried dodo for everyone.
You know, if I turn quickly enough, I can almost see that black aura behind me as well. It’s avoiding my direct gaze, though. I wonder if that is to try and keep me from seeing my own fate. Will I one day be able to see the fates of those around me? That would be excellent. Perhaps some day.
I have some news about the Echo Tree Forest. Well, not the forest itself, but around the forest. We’ve known about the dangers associated with the echo tree forest for some time now, and some of our scientists have developed another type of tree that is good at dampening sounds. In fact, these trees that now grow around the echo tree forest actively observe the changes in air pressure around them, and they move in such a way as to completely neutralize any of those sounds. When walking through the Silent Tree Forest, there are no sounds at all. Not the sound of crunching leaves, not the sound of the wind whipping through the trees. All is still. All is quiet. Painfully, annoyingly quiet. The trees cannot stop all sounds, of course. Those coming from inside of you are entirely out of their reach, as much as that might disappoint and frustrate the trees. Visitors report hearing their own blood begin to pump louder and louder and their muscles stretching and contracting within them. the experience is not entirely unlike that of being in an anechoic chamber, but having the sensation outside is beyond maddening. Walking through this forest, one finds oneself walking ever more quickly before breaking into a full run. Nothing can be heard. Darkness is falling. Anything could be around you. Anything could be out there, creeping, stalking. We could have released any number of horrors that use this environment to camouflage the hunger rumbling inside of them, their teeth sharpening, their paws pounding. And then all at once, you’ve run right through the no man’s land and find yourself in the deafening shriek of the Echo Tree Forest. There’s nothing behind you except your sanity. Good luck now. I just wasn’t sure you knew about that, shareholders. We’re looking at ways to use this to cause more Evil in the world, but for now I thought you’d just like to know that this horror exists.
Beatrice Flounder has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of her nemesis will be ruined. Playing the role of nemesis this week is Helen Mellon. The Wheel of Misery spun 18 times exactly and landed once again on Questionable Intentions. We then spun the wheel again. It landed again on Questionable Intentions. Then we took it apart, greased it up and put it back together. Questionable Intentions again. You really can’t argue with that kind of reliability, shareholders. It is quite clear that the wheel meant to land there and that we should respect its wishes. So two times in a row, we are ruining someone’s life by giving them Questionable Intentions. Just to change things up, though, we’ve decided that instead of other people questioning Helen, we’re going to make it so that Helen questions herself. From now on, Helen will not know why she does the things she does or when she decided to do them. Sure, things will look like before, and she will mostly be doing things that she ordinarily would have, but why? Why does she do these things? What is it that she wants from life? Why is she this person? For good measure, Beatrice Flounder will from now on know exactly why she does everything she does, which, I would say, is possibly the worse outcome. Congratulations on the win. Best of luck.
And that brings us to the end of this broadcast, shareholders. You know, when we started today, I was in a really dark place. I was certain that something was attacking our company and that I was the only one able to stop it. I wasn’t ready to go to war with the darkness shareholders. I was scared. I was afraid that I might not measure up, or that I might just run away. But now I realize that nothing is wrong. I just have this excellent new power. I can just watch as people slowly give in to the darkness that follows them. Oh, there’s another note from Grace. Let’s see here. The last note she gave me was a test. The results of the test are that I am having a more intense episode regarding my excess of Evil. I am beginning to project on the world around me. I am beginning to see Evil that is not there. I have not pierced a level of reality. I have merely begun to see things. Dark auras.
(a really long pause)
Well, I have to say that’s disappointing. I’m looking at Soundman Steven. His aura is still there. It’s just pink now. Now it’s white. Now it looks like me eating a donut. I think I’m going to go close my eyes for a little while shareholders. Just go ahead and step on that radio when you get a chance.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently downloading a car. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered blasphemy?