What you are about to hear might just teach you something. You never know.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Shareholder announcements. I am Corin Deeth, III, CEO of Kakos Industries. You know, I spend so much time telling you about us that I feel sometimes like we don’t really get to talk about your life, shareholders. So… What’s going on with you? I’m sorry, you’ll have to speak up. No, really, I’m miles away from you doing the broadcast right now. You’re really going to have to speak up. My rudimentary calculations tell me right now that most of you would have to muster all of your remaining life force just to yell loud enough to reach me, and even then the best you could do is a simple “Fine” or “Not so gre-”. Well, I haven’t heard anyone trying to tell me about their day, though I admit I did hear one scream, but, honestly, I know where I work, so that scream could have been for any reason. And I do mean any reason. Think of something. Think of something less racist. There you go. Yeah, we scream about that here at Kakos Industries. If you’re going to stay silent out there then we will just have to move on to news from within Kakos Industries.
I should remind you once again, ‘cause some of you out there are like really stupid, that this broadcast is for Kakos Industries Shareholders only. If you are a Kakos Industries Shareholder, then perfect. Stay where you are and listen to completion. If you’re not a Kakos Industries Shareholder and you’re hearing this message, then I would recommend you take your ear out of that Shareholder’s mouth. You really don’t know where it’s been. Yes, folks, you’re not hearing this broadcast from the heavens, nor are we testing out any new kind of telepathy; you’re receiving this broadcast through your Tooth Array brand dental filling. That device is picking up on the frequencies of the electromagnetic spectrum that we use to broadcast, and it’s turning that into sound waves, amplified by your skull. You might be thinking to yourself, “but I’ve got no fillings! I’ve had perfect dental hygiene my whole life!” I’m sorry to inform you that you do have at least one dental filling now, and you have had it for quite some time. You can rest easily knowing that you didn’t do anything wrong to get it, however, depending on how you really feel about purchasing stock in our company.
Last week was the Celebration of Technology. As expected, both Thorgonus Imports and Giant-Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face really brought their best work to the competition. Giant-Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face brought their brand new Giant-Ass Schoolgirl That’s Kawaii as Fuck, Yo, which looked a lot like a gigantic Japanese schoolgirl wearing what I can only imagine is a somewhat smaller than regulation uniform. Her skin was marked with gigantic rivets, as was her uniform and her pigtail lasers. Giant-Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face was proud to announce that this version of the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl That’s Kawaii as Fuck, Yo has three pigtails, an improvement over earlier models. The third pigtail, if you’re curious, is somewhere in the middle. Throgonus Imports, as they always do, brought a giant tentacled beast, this one called the OctoBot Plus Two. It looked like a large octopus, but with two additional tentacles. The body section of the OctoBot Plus Two was a hard metal dome with two large eyes and several laser cannons. The tentacles of the robot were made of some sort of bendy polymer, and each of the tentacles was capable of spraying corrosive chemicals. Truly, this is the showdown that everyone came to see. At the beginning of the free-for-all, The Giant-Ass Schoolgirl easily took down the RobotoKanpani Hentai Zentai, which appeared to be just a giant black humanoid robot with no discernable features otherwise. The Hentai Zentai launched an attack initially trying to pin down the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl, but the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl was prepared for just such an event. She used the momentum of the Hentai Zentai and flung him into one of the craters of this particular undisclosed moon. It seems the Hentai Zentai was completely eliminated before it even had the opportunity to make use of the corrosive spray and numerous binding implements housed within. The Giant-Ass Schoolgirl is far too used to attacks like that and was having none of it. Nearby, giant robots of one kind or another were taking each other out. There were pieces of enormous samurai-themed armor, giant hair bows, and gargantuan limbs everywhere. The Thorgonus OctoBot Plus Two easily took out its first several adversaries, melting away their armor with its corrosive spray, and then crushing the critical components inside. Its first adversary, a giant robotic crab from East Coast Fishing Robots, was crushed inside of the jaws attached to the body section of the robot. From opposite ends of the battlefield, the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl That’s Kawaii as Fuck, Yo and the Octobot Plus two began to move toward each other. The other remaining fighters parted ways for what was expected to be the biggest battle of the event. The Giant-Ass Schoolgirl drew her gigantic metal wooden sword, and prepared for combat, the distant sun creating substantial lens flares, even to the onlookers naked eyes. The OctoBot Plus Two advanced slowly, using its tentacles to move its body closer. The Giant-Ass Schoolgirl drove her metal wooden sword into the space between the body and tentacles, and the OctoBot stopped moving. And like that, we all felt a substantial let down the battle was over so quickly. But then the sword began to disintegrate as the OctoBot used its corrosive chemicals. Before the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl could react, the OctoBot sprayed even more corrosive chemicals, eliminating much of the Giant-Ass Schoolgirls protective casing. I cannot tell you what Giant-Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face was thinking, making the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl more or less anatomically correct under the outer casing, but it was not long before this giant tentacled monster had wrapped its whole body around a giant mechanical naked woman. The Giant-Ass Schoolgirl struggled fiercely as the OctoBot probed its casing, attempting to find a way to breach the hull. The OctoBot traced and probed every inch of the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl looking for the weakest point, which apparently was somewhere between the legs. If I had to guess, the rivet work between the legs was weaker because of the mobility there, and also because of the giant vagina that Giant-Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face had inexplicably installed. It seemed as though that might be the end of the battle right there for the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl, who was now completely entwined in the OctoBot’s tentacles, and increasingly covered in white corrosive fluids. One tentacle had even managed to enter the mouth of the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl, which was close to the cockpit, where the pilots were. That could have been the end. Suddenly the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl started up yet another power supply, sending waves of energy out into the battlefield, destroying all of the other robots, leaving just itself and the OctoBot. New armor plating in the shape of a new school uniform emerged from somewhere and the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl knocked back the OctoBot before raising a hand and calling to the heavens to grant it the Giant-Ass Sword of Sorrows. The silhouette of a sword glowed in the newly recharged Schoolgirl’s hand before materializing, and then the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl drove it deep into the body of the OctoBot. The OctoBot’s last move came in the form of releasing whatever remaining corrosive chemicals it contained onto the Giant-Ass Schoolgirl That’s Kawaii as Fuck, Yo, removing its new armor and leaving it extraordinarily embarrassed. At least they didn’t destroy the moon this time.
Next week is the Actual Renaissance Festival, in which participants are given the challenge of rebuilding Europe after the Black Death.
Our Division of Lobbying has started fighting for our right to bare drones. It is not specifically included in the United States Constitution at this time that average citizens can have drones, but we think they should be able to. It’s actually part of the campaign promises of our Angry and We Mean It Party. Soon, we are hoping to have the right to bare drones, and then soon after that we will have the right to bare bear drones.
Speaking of bears, Kakos Industries has broken new ground in terms of spreading evil throughout the animal kingdom. Working through one of our clients in wildlife preservation, Kakos Industries has begun marketing teddy bears to actual bears. At first the bears didn’t really know what to do with the teddy bears that they saw. They began to tear them up and spread the stuffing all around. Slowly, however, they began to adopt the bears. Mother bears began choosing to take care of these small, cherubic and idealized toys with huge eyes over their own children, and some of the adult males chose to stay in their caves all of the time with their teddy bear body pillow lovers. Bears are not known for being markedly depressed, but in this particular community of bears, depression is now widespread. It seems that none of the real, flesh and blood bears can keep up with their own fantasies about how bears should be, and as a result, many of them are sinking into deep periods of sadness. The male bears don’t find the female bears as attractive as the new images that we have given them, and the female bears feel the same way about the males, and perhaps more importantly, their children. The spark has been taken out of being a bear because these bears now realize that they just weren’t doing it right before. To fix the problem that we have created, Kakos Industries has started to develop plastic surgery for bears to give them exactly what they want now.
Last time we did a segment about the most fearsome beast on Earth. We took an ordinary hippopotamus and gave it full body armor. This week I would like to honor not the most fearsome creature, but the most evil creature known to man. This most diabolical, scheming creature is, of course, the giant panda. Pandas are known throughout the world as the beautiful symbol of the east, and also as wonderful symbols of peace. However, glancing just below the surface, you discover that there exists an animal that has leveraged its distinctive appearance and symbolic presence into a life of doing absolutely nothing at all, while humans struggle to keep them from extinction. This, shareholders, is a game of chicken, and human beings are losing. You may not know this, but Kakos Industries has long observed the giant panda, watching it slowly fade only to be rescued by humans. They are perfect beasts of evil, willing to sacrifice their own lives to burden others. It also seems that our Division of Linguistic Gymnastics has finally broken the barrier to speak directly to the bears themselves. They have confided in us, after we convinced them that we wouldn’t tell their handlers, that they are planning to stop going to the bathroom on their own, and then eventually to stop moving altogether. This will put their keepers in charge of keeping those symbols alive while wondering all the time if what they’re doing isn’t an abomination to nature.
I have news from the Division of Adult Diversion, you know, the division taking over for the Adult Entertainment Branch. It seems that their new penis enlargement cream is still working well, and the lines to test it out are still really long, even though the cream makes the penis too large for any human orifice and too large to fully stiffen. There is one interesting note, however. It seems as though at least a few men have gotten in line for this treatment a second time. When we asked them if they were intending to have any of the size reduced, they said that they were not. They were instead hoping to have their newly gargantuanized man parts gargantuanized once again. I have been intentionally vague about the measurements that these men have attained because I think that discussing such a thing is inappropriate, but I will say that one treatment causes most pants to not fit at all, so I am not even certain what a second treatment would do. We denied these men their second treatment fearing that what we have done may not be as evil as intended. We will need to study this more.
There is news from the Culinary Division. It seems that those heavier calories that we told you about a while back have been implemented, but unfortunately, they have had some unintended consequences. It seems that the heavier calories, despite their being larger than regular calories, are having unintended gravitational side effects. The calories have begun to clump up in the middle section of the dieters, and as a result have pulled their stomachs inward. These individuals are gaining weight, but they are also becoming much more dense than before, and consequently slimmer. The dieters still have trouble getting up and doing physical activity, but I am told that their muscles may begin to compensate for their new mass. Certainly, evil has been done, but perhaps not as much as we had hoped. I have asked the Culinary Division to refocus their energy on making larger but not heavier calories, in hopes that people might just float away.
It’s been a while since we’ve talked about the office romance. Kara and BIlly have been doing pretty well together, it seems. They’ve had some normal type dates, and I really think that they might be in love with one another. It’s really fun to watch for all of us, and their cheeriness has really improved morale around here. Sadness is certainly more evil than happiness, but happiness in doing evil is just as good for us. Kara and Billy have now met each other’s parents, and they are considering moving in together. Hmmm… Do you think that things might be going just a little too quickly? I mean, they’ve only know each other for four months now. It just seems a bit fast. I mean, I don’t want to interfere if they think that they’re going to be happy like this, but I think it’s possible that they might run into trouble. Things were just so light before and now this seems really serious. I don’t know. Maybe things will work out okay. Otherwise we’ll just have to wipe their memories and make them do it over again. Again.
We have news from our Division of Incredibly Boring Things. I will spare you some of the incredibly boring details and just tell you that they have now developed a book consisting of only the same word over and over again printed in it. I would like to read an excerpt for you now….
Technician: Sir, It’s Denny.
Manager: What? Not more trouble.
Technician: I’m sorry to say, sir, that Denny has passed on.
Manager: What? You’ve got to be kidding me.
Technician: It was a failure in the life support system, sir.
Manager: Tell me there’s something we can do.
Technician: Well, sir, I happen to have made a copy of Denny at the moment of death. It was actually kind of a lucky break.
Manager: Do we have the computing power to run Denny’s consciousness?
Technician: You know, I think we just might sir.
Manager: This… This could be a good thing. We may not have a brain in a computer any more, but having a complete digital consciousness… That’s something that Deeth might like.
Technician: I hope so, sir. I’m not sure I can take any more community service.
Manager: Run the program. Let’s see what happens.
Technician: Beginning the program, sir.
… So make sure that you remember what word it is that is repeated over and over again in the book to make sure that you don’t have to read the whole thing.
Kakos Industries is not unlike a vast network of fungal mycelia. Sometimes, you have to dig really deep to find out exactly how far it reaches, and what it is responsible for. For that reason, I do this segment called Things We’re Taking Credit For Now. We can’t know for certain that we are responsible, but it’s at least a fifty fifty. This week, we’re taking credit for little pieces of hair that look like bugs, sarcastic clapping, and finding out that your childhood hero is racist. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then why don’t you start your own damn evil company and take credit for the things you want to take credit for? Huh? That’s what I thought. And if you did start such a competing company, we’d probably have to destroy you anyway.
The winner of this week’s Ruin A Life Drawing is apparently some slime that dripped into the entry box. I can’t quite make out the name of the person it selected, but the slimy residue looks a little bit like GOOOOOAAARRRRROOOOO. Well, it might take us some time to figure out who this GOOOOOAAARRRRROOOOO is, but we’ll get there. The Wheel of Misery has indicated to us that the perfect punishment for this GOOOOOAAARRRRROOOOO is to be swept unceremoniously into a gutter. This one might take us a while, but we can’t just not do it. For good measure, we rinsed the mysterious goo down the sink, and washed the whole damn box.
And that brings us to the end of the broadcast. You might be thinking that you have to remove that tooth filling now to destroy the radio. I would like to put your mind at rest. YOu don’t have to do anything at all. The filling has a small explosive inside of it, so we can destroy it for you. We’ll detonate them all around five minutes after the numbers, which should give you plenty of time to make your decision. If you’re still worried about your flawless dental record, please don’t be. One way or another, you’ll have a brand new tooth tomorrow. I can’t say for certain right now whether it will or won’t have another radio built in.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com.
Special guest appearance in this episode from Sean Hennessy and Mike Hennessy.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered writing all about it in a journal?