What you are about to hear is fiction. We hope.
Hello and welcome to the corporate announcements for Kakos Industries. As you may know by now, I am Corin Deeth III, taking over for my recently deceased Grandfather as CEO. Here at Kakos Industries, we pride ourselves on being able to provide you, the shareholder, with healthy profits gathered from helping businesses around the world to Do Evil Better.
Now I should caution anyone listening that this announcement is strictly for Kakos Industries Shareholders. If you are not currently a shareholder, then it is actually illegal for you to be listening to this message right now, and in some countries it is grounds for summary execution. And we are more than capable of taking you to those countries..
This week’s broadcast is coming to you on an Odd Little Radio. Odd Little Radio is a new client of Kakos Industries, and they have provided us with the radios that you are listening to this broadcast on now. If you happen to be listening to this broadcast on anything other than the Odd Little Radio delivered to your home yesterday in a purple paper bag thrown through your incoming projectiles window, then you are in violation of the Shareholders’ Agreement, and, incidentally, capable of at least level 3 scientific witchcraft. If this is the case, do not worry. There is a simple solution. It’s in your Shareholders’ emergency response kit. It’s labelled with a bright yellow smiling face. Open the bottle, and drink the simple solution. All smiles from here.
Flyers have gone out for the annual Shareholders’ Ball, which will be held at the end of next week. This year’s ball will be held in the ballroom kept in the basement of the Kakos Industries main branch, as they all are. If you notice that the address and the directions list do not match, do not be alarmed. You will be in attendance no matter what. It is always difficult to follow the previous year’s festivities, but we believe that this will be a ball to remember. The costume theme this year will be Quasar. We are excited to see all of your bright, shining faces covering up the dark, unknowable abyss just under the surface. The buffet will feature roasted condor with a raspberry glaze, giraffe su vide, and bear arms. I am told that the giraffe su vide tastes more like giraffe than any other giraffe you have tasted. I must warn you that, at this celebration, no one has a right to bear arms. So, please arrive early to make sure you have the opportunity to enjoy this delicacy. For entertainment, we will have several performers from the Cirque du SoWeird touring show. It is the only circus in North America where drawing attention to and making fun of the performers’ various physical deformities and abnormalities is not only permitted, but encouraged. It will give our guests a chance to really explore and cultivate their deep-seated prejudices and knee-jerk reactions. We are in negotiations with the managers of the performance to determine just how many of the performers are expendable. Staff members are already preparing the ballroom for the blood orgy, which always follows the entertainment. This year, the flavor of the blood orgy will be chocolate orange bovine, supplied by Smith’s Gourmet Drippings.
Today, we have great news from our Adult Entertainment Branch. Yes, folks, it seems that our enterprising scientists in the AEB have discovered a new hole. According to them, it has always been there, yet it can be installed for nominal fee. Those scientists are itching to get to work coming up with new ways to use this fascinating new hole in a manner that only the truly depraved can manage. Our Division of Propagating Propaganda is concocting a new viral ad campaign to convince the lonely men of the world that it is something they absolutely must have in their next relationship, that they haven’t really experienced pleasure without it, and that all of their friends have already begun experiencing it with their significant others. A starlet, who we have recently contractually acquired from her parents, will be turning 18 at the end of the month, and we have already arranged for a sex tape where she will be making excellent use of the new hole with a sports athlete of some kind. She has been provided with a prototype of the new orifice for practice. I am told it requires some very specific muscle control. The AEB, of course, is also preparing a new series of erotic videos using the new hole. Titles include “Brave New Hole” and “It’s too big to fit in here… or maybe not. I’m not really sure how this thing works”. Soon enough, the women of the world will be adding this new hole to their bag of tricks, and not long after that, they will be dying this new hole an even pinker shade to make sure that they are keeping up with the times. We will be rolling out the new hole sometime in the next few months, once we have extorted FDA approval. It is not known yet whether the new hole will be capable of contracting or transmitting infections, but I’m confident we will figure something out eventually.
Good news from our culinary branch. They have discovered heavier calories! Now, I’m not a scientist today, so I can’t really explain how the calories are heavier, but the end result is that our clients’ customers will begin to get heavier as well. The calories are also somewhat larger than they were before. Implementing these new larger and heavier calories in diet foods will allow our clients to keep their customers desperate as their every attempt at change is foiled most spectacularly. I am also told that the risk of these heavier and larger calories causing a singularity is low. We don’t want to have to reboot this universe again. Nobody has time or space for that.
Our Division of Punditry has developed a new fallacy. They say that it is abstract and difficult to grasp, but they will begin implementing it into the news cycle as soon as possible. They have affectionately titled it “Appeal to Equine Sensibility.” I am told it doesn’t work well on everyone, but it can be a game changer in the toughest battles of public opinion. The Division of Punditry writes, “Policies we don’t agree with? We say neigh.”
Our Tautology division has exciting news. They write, “Evil is Evil.” Well, that’s why they get the big bucks.
Our Division of Philosophical Sabotage is excited to announce that they have finally immersed a complete and functioning human brain into a fake digital reality. We have named him or her Denny, and he or she is quite blissfully ignorant of the situation he or she is living in. He or she has developed numerous caring relationships with people that do not truly exist in the traditional sense. Please understand that this world is not a fantasy. The difficulty of everyday events has been factored in, and it will be impossible for Denny to ever realize that he or she is merely a brain in a computer. We should mention that, to the best of Denny’s knowledge, he or she is also one of our shareholders listening to this very broadcast, and that he or she is unaware that his or her name is Denny. If you find yourself walking at night down a quiet street, with a cool, dry breeze coming from the west, and you decide that you’d like to get home a little faster tonight, and you take the alley behind your apartment building as a shortcut, and then things begin to get darker, and quieter, and darker, and quieter, all the while you hear echoing references to “Denny” and “rebooting the system”, it’s probably just your imagination. Denny does not live in an apartment building. On a more personal note, I would like to say, do not be afraid, Denny. Your family believes that you are dead and the rest of your body has been given a wonderful funeral. Not everyone’s family is given that kind of closure.
Reports have been coming in to us that Meaney Imp Inc. has ceased to use our services. I must confirm that this is true. It also seems that they have chosen not to use the services of our largest competitor, . What is most troubling is that they have not stopped their nefarious operations. I sent their CEO, Paul Meaney, a letter myself, asking why they have stopped using our services and those of our competitor . He responded with an accusation of price fixing. I must admit, I take these accusations very seriously. Of course we’re price fixing with our biggest competitor. How else could our clients trust us to handle their price fixing. It is important that we know what we’re talking about here. To send them a message, we have filled their main headquarters with our brand new GMO raid chimps. What’s so special about these chimpanzees is that they have been genetically modified to feel almost constant pain, and to not know why. I don’t think I have to tell you that leaving chimps at this level of full on existential crisis inside of any building is extremely dangerous. Any employees inside are probably dead, and the chimps have likely begun to probe their corpses for any sign of what might be causing them anguish. After that, they will move on to the furniture, then the walls and ceilings, followed by the structure of the building itself. Kakos Industries would like to sincerely remind you not to fuck with us. For those of you worried about the chimps, after around 40 days with the pain, many will come to manage the suffering using mindfulness.
In the past, we have been accused of working with the devil. We would like to allow all of you listening to rest easily knowing that there is no god, but the existence of the devil is a little less clear. As to what we would have to gain from working with such an entity, assuming that one does exist, I am not able to say. In our lab tests, the existence of a soul has never been clearly demonstrated. Just to make sure we don’t get caught behind, though, we’ve had our top lobbyists secure the rights to the souls of nearly everyone on the planet through legal channels. A small portion of everyone’s taxes worldwide actually goes to renting the souls back from us. So it should come as no surprise then that we have no interest in stealing and/or bargaining for souls. Now, if you’re worried about what our ownership of your soul might mean to you, please don’t be. We don’t want it until you’re done with it.
It has been brought to my attention that listeners often desire a narrative element of a romantic nature to keep their interest. It is for this reason that I have begun a romantic relationship myself, and I must say, it feels wonderful. In fact, if I had known how great it would feel, I would have done it so much sooner. The relationship is between Kara Smith, our youngest, most attractive associate, and Billy Wessler, who works in the mailroom and has the kind of moist, tanned skin that you might want to make a nice pair of gloves out of. It is unlikely that they are aware of my intentions yet, but I will be sending them romantic letters and specifically engineered poetry from our Division of Pop sometime this week. Of course, I will be signing each such message with the name of the other employee. Ah, young, manufactured love. Perhaps if this is a success, we will have to find a way to bottle the resultant emotion. I might like to… bathe in it. Perhaps it is time Kakos enters one of the most evil industries known to man: bath and body products. Updates on this burgeoning new love to come.
With as many fingers as we have in so many pies, it can be difficult at times to know exactly which instances of evil we are responsible for worldwide. It is for this reason that I am announcing a brand new segment, titled Things We’re Taking Credit For Now. Remember, we cannot confirm actually taking part in these items and/or occurrences, but we’re pretty sure we had something to do with them. This week, we’re taking credit for: Licorice Jelly Beans, The French Revolution, and The Sickest Drop You’ve Ever Heard. If you happen to disagree with something we’ve taken credit for, please leave us a comment in our suggestion box. Of course, by suggestion box, I mean your heart, and by comment, I mean ceremonial dagger. If you’re concerned that you’re not getting through to us, please place another comment in the suggestion box, but more forcefully this time.
Thomas Andriesen is our lucky winner of this month’s Ruin a Life drawing. As a result, his life-long enemy Gary Walla’s life will be ruined. A spin of the Wheel of Misery has led us to the punishment of “Never Enough Toilet Paper.” For the rest of Gary’s life, the toilet paper roll beside him will never have quite enough to leave him feeling sufficiently clean. Now, those of you who have made the wise decision to invest in our operations here at Kakos Industries may not immediately see how “Never Enough Toilet Paper” is diabolical enough to get the Kakos Industries Seal of Evil Approval, but I would like to paint a picture for you. Imagine your next job interview, knowing that you are not properly clean. You shake your prospective boss’s hand, knowing that you are not properly clean. You meet a kind person and want to start a relationship. Your first date, you know that you are not properly clean. The first time you are intimate, you’re not properly clean. And don’t even bother trying to wash it off. You will try, seeing as you have the rest of your life to try, but you will not succeed. It’s only a matter of time before things fall apart. Good luck, Gary. For good measure, we’ve also hired a Skin Head to kick Thomas Andriesen in the balls. You won’t expect it, Thomas. Congratulations, again, on the win.
We have come to the end of the broadcast. In a few brief moments, we will begin our numbers list. Please remember that these numbers are for internal purposes only, and it is not recommended that you keep a list of them for any reason. It’s your health we’re worried about. At this time we would like to remind you to SMASH YOUR ODD LITTLE RADIO. Yes, SMASH IT TO PIECES. Anyone found to be in possession of their Odd Little Radio after this broadcast will be found in breach of the social contract and will be returned to the state of nature, where it is perfectly legal for us to do anything to you. Now SMASH YOUR RADIO.
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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There are also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com.