87 – Pigs
in which we finally get to the bottom of that one mystery, we see evidence of violence in Hell, Kimzzzzzzzzzz makes a new decree, a new experiment is conducted, and Gopher Death “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear may cause you to wake up in your other life as a cruise ship director on the oceans of Titan. It’s not a great job, but as a child of the belt, you’ve done quite well for yourself.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. Then our clients go on to help everyone everywhere to Do Evil. The “better” can sometimes get lost in that game of telephone. I am Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries.
Shareholders… I finally found out what was happening in the Division of Erotic Experiences. In fact, everyone here at Kakos Industries has known for a few days. It turns out that Jasmine Aashna was not keeping pets in her lab, nor was she raising animals for their fur, nor was it just my imagination when I saw some of her test subjects becoming more animal-like. And I am now quite certain that Jasmine Aashna and Dr. Dunkelwissen were working together the whole time. This leads me to believe that they didn’t enjoy dancing for me, nor any of the bondage shenanigans that I put up with for the last year or so. Here I thought I was helping a friend out, when in fact I was being deceived.
For the last few days, walking around the office we have had a newly minted half-woman-half-pig. Her name is Patricia Lewis, and up until this experiment, she was one of the most brilliant scientists we had working here in the Division of Social Engineering. She is going about her business as usual, but it’s not quite the same. You see, in an effort to increase her sex drive, which was the intended effect of this experiment, the Division of Erotic Experiences has introduced far too much pig DNA, and now she is neither pig nor human, but somehow both. The side effect of this is that her intelligence has been dramatically reduced. Now, before you get too upset at us, please note that at Kakos Industries we respect the unique value brought to us by all different kinds of intelligence. It would be foolish of us not to take advantage of every resource we have available to us and to find each individual a place where they can do the most Evil. But Patricia’s new state gives us a strange dilemma. Can she continue doing her job in the Division of Social Engineering? According to her notes and consent forms before her transformation, this is actually what she wanted. It seems that the pressures of working in Social Engineering and being so intellectually aware and capable at the same time were wearing her down emotionally. The everyday pains of reality, existence, the big questions we’ll never answer, and the deep frustration of the current state of affairs weighed heavily on her. Certainly, I can understand, but we usually recommend that our employees of such Weltschmerz refocus that pain into their work doing Evil. Patricia found no such solace after years of trying. Being an acquaintance of Jasmine’s, she heard about this new experiment and volunteered, knowing full well, perhaps even better than the scientists in the Division of Erotic Experiences, that she was going to lose a certain percentage of that cognitive function. And so she has. Based on our measurements, she is still within the range of human intelligence, but definitely on the lower end. Also based on our measurements, she is on the low end of sexual experience for a pig, which is still pretty high for a human, I am told. It seems the rumor that pigs have thirty minute orgasms is true in this case. Unsurprisingly, Patricia has been forcing us to deal with some rather uncomfortable ethical questions. She is highly sexual, but part pig. Her intelligence is far reduced from where it was. Even if this is what she wanted, can we take her word for it? And more specifically, is anyone allowed to fuck her?
I know that this might seem a little strange to those of you listening. Sight unseen, I can imagine that my description is lacking a bit in what makes her so appealing. Truthfully, I don’t find her so appealing. But there are those around who find her extremely attractive. Before, she was clinical. Sometimes cold. Now she is incredibly warm and friendly, and not just that, but flirtatious as well. Until we can figure out if this is okay, I have placed a moratorium on anyone engaging with her sexually.
Dave: Corin, my guy.
Corin: Who are you? I’m doing my announcements right now.
Dave: Yeah, that looks real important. I’m Dave. I work in The Division of Finance. We met at a mixer about a year ago.
Corin: I have no idea who you are.
Dave: I’m Dave. From finance.
Corin: What do you want, Dave?
Dave: I was told if I want to fuck the pig chick, I gotta talk to you first. Are you hitting that? Is she legal?
Corin: Well, she was made out of a legal adult, but also out of a pig. And no, I’m not having sex with Patricia. No one is having sex with her. We’re actually trying to figure out the ethical implications of her existence and what we’re supposed to do here.
Dave: Boy, she is hot to trot, you know what I’m saying? I like ‘em thick. And pink.
Corin: I mean, her intelligence has dropped dramatically since the procedure.
Dave: I read at an eighth grade level. Hasn’t hurt me any.
Corin: Are you sure about that?
Dave: Come on, Corin, what are you trying to tell me? Do you have a crush on her? I know every guy in this building wants a piece of the bacon, know what I’m sayin’?
Corin: No, I don’t. I know she has some kind of appeal. And she certainly is friendly.
Dave: She wants this D, Corin. And they told me I had to talk to you before I could do it. You want her, don’t you. You want to toss the pigskin. Buddy, I can wait until you have your go. I can wait until you get your hands on that fatback.
Corin: I’m not trying to have sex with Patricia. And all of your food references are making me a little queasy.
Dave: Is that like spanish for cheese? I don’t think you pronounced that right. Anyway, I’m trying to tell you that I want to spread those ham hocks, get in there, and then spray it all over those baby backs.
Dave: What is keeping me from living my best life right now?
Corin: We don’t know if she can consent. She’s not really fully human anymore. And I mentioned her intelligence dropped dramatically.
Dave: She’s just like a dumb girl now, right? I been with dumb girls before.
Corin: I still have to say no.
Dave: Are you one of those sapiosexual guys? You can’t get hard unless you see a chick doing math on a chalkboard? My kink is not your kink, Corin. Don’t yuck my yum, buddy.
Corin: She’s part fucking pig. This is new territory!
Dave: No, I want to be part fucking pig in that new territory, Corin. Let me test the waters. Let me be science.
Dave: I see you thinking. I like where this is going.
Corin: How would you like to be in an experiment.
Dave: As long as I get my tongue in those chitlins, I’m down.
Corin: Head down to the Division of Erotic Experiences. I’ll send Jasmine an email.
Dave: That’s the hookup! That’s what’s up! Corin, you’re my guy!
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a jar of jelly beans. Something inside is making noise. What it is, I don’t know. Don’t eat the jelly beans. Actually, don’t even open the jar. Just listen to the announcements. This product has come to us from the Division of Audio Sweetening and their partnership with Confectionary Sounds. My spec sheet is just a long list of things not to do with this particular radio. Don’t drop it. Don’t eat it. Don’t tell anyone about it. Don’t touch it if you can help it. Don’t look it in the eye. That’s an odd one. Does it have eyes? Be on the lookout, shareholders.
Recently we had the Celebration of Self Love. The theme for this celebration was lost loves. Our scientists determined that there is nothing more shame-inspiring than self-pleasuring to lost loves. Whether it was someone you once knew intimately, or someone you merely crushed on from a distance, we asked you to go deep and find closure. We watched the sexual readings we take from a select sample population of you out there, and this was a tough one. So many emotions in a time when you’re supposed to be loving yourselves. Still, you persevered and for that, I am proud of all of you.
I am also proud of your showing at this year’s Evil Con. This convention is always a clusterfuck. We design it that way. There are just so many of you who want to Do Evil, and getting a chance to see the newest Evil stuff is not to be missed. For those of you that were unable to attend, we unveiled a new laser that shifts your ratio of ass to rest of person dramatically towards ass. That comes from our partnership with Giant-Ass Things in General. Then there was the Velocity Raptor, our new most fearsome cyborg monster. It got loose because of course it did and ate three of you. We also had a cosplay contest that ended in a brawl with so many wardrobe malfunctions that even a TV station in Europe might have a hard time airing it. And of course we had the exclusive merchandise that you all love. We allowed only one hundred of you to shop at the booth, but first you had to prove your worth by drinking a gallon of water and holding it longer than the rest of the competitors. We’re not getting our deposit back on this one. Over all, it gave us a fantastic chance to showcase our most interesting wares and force you to sacrifice almost all of your dignity to see them.
Coming up, we have the CEO Festival of the Dance. As always, you will dance for my entertainment and not make fun of me in the process. It’s not that I’m sensitive, it’s just kind of old at this point.
Meredith Gorgoro was seen on camera in a few still images recently. In the photographs, she had ten or fifteen arms strung on a necklace around her neck. I assume they are the arms of mutants from deep within the cave, but I cannot be certain. She was completely covered in blood, and she kept one eye closed. We have no way of gleaning anymore information. I mean, we could go down there, but no one wants to do that.
Kimzzzzzzzzzz, as leader of the Cult of Ohh Ahh, has decreed that board games are now unsexy. This has caused a problem for everyone working in the Division of Tabletop Diversion. It has also caused a problem for the Tabithas. You see, they tend to play board games after work with their desks pushed together outside my office. It’s strange. I sometimes play board games, and I am not a member of the Cult of Ohh Ahh, but when I look at them now moving wooden pieces across geometrical spaces and handling chits and cutouts, I find them somehow less appealing. I mean, the problem was never that I didn’t find them attractive, only that I wasn’t willing to give in to the notion that I needed to lighten up, or that it was anyone else’s job to make me. But now… What does it mean if I’m so suggestible? I will have to consider this further. Also, there’s another Tabitha. There’s the one who actually does work for me. Then there are the two that were tasked with seducing me. But now, there’s another one. She plays games with the two that don’t do any work for me. She introduced herself as Tabitha, and I checked her employee records to make sure. She works in the Division of Things You Can Do With Blueberries, a one person division tasked with helping a client that grows blueberries to expand and Do Evil Better. But she has no work history here before a week ago. Are they friends because they are all named Tabitha? Is that weird for anyone else? And did she fuck them? I mean, I don’t care. Why would I care? I’m over that.
The Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To has opened the old gardening shed. Inside, they found a mummified corpse we’ve since identified as Jerome Hooper, a former gardener, and a set of solid gold gardening tools. The Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To has since come down with a strange respiratory infection, but they seem to be recovering nicely. If only curses were real, shareholders. Our job would be so much simpler.
After the last announcements, Melantha’s building settled back into its hole in the ground on her property. We haven’t heard anything from her, so we have no idea what her plan was when crashing her building into ours. Then again, her building somehow traced a big dick on the side of our building. That might be a coincidence.
I am told that the Division of Oh Honey No has started giving out unexpected and unwanted makeovers. The most recent recipient, Becky Almuerzo, thought she was doing okay and that her style was alright. Apparently not.
There are rumors that Evil once swam in every swimming pool on Earth after exercising without showering. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for the collectibles you have that aren’t worth anything, all of the books you’ll never read again, and the feeling that your body is an unnecessary encumbrance. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, you will have to carry your body for the rest of your life. In your arms.
Gopher Death has won the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Kitticus Catticus, Gopher’s nemesis, will be ruined. We tied a bolt on the Wheel of Misery to a door, and then slammed the door, sending the wheel spinning. Finally, it landed on the space for “green”. From this day forward, Kitticus Catticus will be green in every sense of the word. Kitticus will be green in color, but also extremely environmentally conscious. In fact, Kitticus will be so environmentally conscious that Kitticus will find any waste of energy to be horrifying, even if that waste of energy was simply walking to the wrong room of the house in a moment of absent-mindedness. For Evil measure, Gopher Death will now be a little less green. Try photosynthesizing now. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
Dave: Corin, my dude, check me out. I’m part pig now!
Corin: That was fast. I mean, it’s only been, I don’t know, a few minutes. I would have thought it would take you longer to get there and back.
Dave: Yeah, that Desi chick wanted to rush me right in. Got me in a golf cart. Ran me down to the lab. Did some things. Now here I am. She said something about not thinking the gag would work for more than one episode. Is that some science talk?
Corin: She must have been having a gagging episode. I don’t blame her. How are your reading skills?
Dave: Still eighth grade. Been working on Huck Finn for the last two months. I don’t feel much different, other than being super horny. I. Am. Look. Ing. FORWARD to one of those thirty minute climaxes, guy. So can I have at her? I want to get that honey glaze around my hog.
Dave: You know, now that I’m part pig, those metaphors do seem a bit distasteful.
Corin: Take her down to the lab. Let’s make this about science.
Dave: I’m going to make it about this boner, but you can make it about whatever you want.
Corin: Just find her and take her down to the Division of Erotic Experiences. While it still exists.
Dave: Buddy, I can smell her from here, and she is in HEAT.
Corin: Oh for fuck’s sake just go!
Dave: Later, Corin. Hey, this might be a little premature, but would you mind officiating at the wedding? You know, if there is one. I think that would be real nice.
Dave: Take it easy, Corin. Peace.
Corin: I wish I could never think about his again.
That brings us to the end of the broadcast shareholders. You will need to store your jar of jelly beans for a while. We’ll get back to you on that. They’re important, but we can’t tell you how yet. Don’t open them. Don’t eat them. Don’t touch them if you can help it. Leave them where they are. And don’t pay attention to any of the sounds coming from inside. I’m sure you’re all wondering what my plans are for the Division of Erotic Experiences. Well, I usually close these branches down when they disappoint me like this, or they give me an ethical conundrum I can’t easily solve. But at the same time, I’ve seen a lot of promise from Jasmine Aashna’s work. Perhaps I can punish everyone working under her, but leave her in charge. That feels sufficiently Evil. The numbers are next.
I just got a message on my monitor here. It says that Dave has found Patricia in the halls, but she has rejected him. I am being told that she doesn’t like pigs. Ouch. She also says that we should stay the fuck out of her love life. I’m sorry Patricia. That’s not a privilege we afford any of our employees here at Kakos Industries. Not even me as we’ve seen.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the official orangutan impersonator. Special Guest appearance in this episode by Peter Caswell. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, Blaise Devletian, William Brandon, and Courtney Campbell. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Lynne Herman, director of the Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction, Valerie Koop, Director of the Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public, Carl H, Director of the Division of Unanswered Messages, J.K. Runnings, Director of The Division of Darker Sound, and Danni Auttumns, director of The Division of Unlikely Autocorrect Errors. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has soaked up all of the liquid in Pond 299-A with their yarn in an attempt to build an aquatic fortress. Now they are working on a high speed rail system. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has found some clues as the the whereabouts of a witch fungus. They can be found sticking their heads in ponds throughout the world looking. The Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction has started shipping ambition and a quiet mind. What do they even have to talk about? The Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public has introduced King’s Cup” Playground Edition. All of the players are adults, and they are about to be asked to leave. The Division of Unanswered Messages has left a colleague hanging on a high five for nine days straight. His arm is getting tired. The Division of Darker Sound has created the heaviest distortion yet. To most, it sounds like noise, but connoisseurs find it causes them to lose control of their bowels. The Division of Unlikely Autocorrect Errors recently patched some phones to correct the phrase “Can’t text right now, I’m driving” to “Can’t text right now, I’m plowing your nan”. We cannot wait for that fireworks show. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try to fly by waving your arms. That was pretty silly actually.