in which Junior’s Mind Palace expands, the Matmos experiences some reintegration, Middy tries to pinpoint her differences, and Ugene Green “wins” the RUin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear is going to change things forever, a little.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients to Do Evil Better. I am CEO Corin Deeth III. Last time, shareholders, you might recall that I was taken by surprise into Junior’s mind palace that he’s constructed with the help of variations on the Deeth-lerium psychedelic drug. I am told that many of you, although you weren’t with us in person, were able to see and hear our hallucinations all the same. There was something to do with the machine Junior had constructed not being properly shielded in either direction. We were stuck in that state for another handful of hours. Strangely enough, Junior had a number of complete sudoku puzzle books in his mind palace, so I was somewhat able to keep myself busy. Soundman seemed to discover a way to start manifesting and assembling his audio setup in the hallucination. I asked him why he bothered, and he said, look, we both know this isn’t the last time this is going to happen. He wanted to be prepared. We’ll talk more about Junior’s mind palace in a bit.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a failing power supply in a strange piece of old computer technology that you neither recognize as your own, nor can you recognize its intended function. It says in block print along one side “granular network stabilizer.” I don’t know what that means, either. All the same, the parts inside seem to be failing, and they sound just like these announcements. This radio comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Granular Network Stabilization and ComComCompuCom, your leading source of professional grade granular and de-matriculated stabilizer systems. I am told that the sound quality is quantific, pandoramic, and lithioscopic. You might hear some slight de-neuralization in the mid range, but the high end detail is enhanced by the entwizulators and scriptoscroms within the device. Soundman says it sounds like ass. I don’t know how he can disagree with all of these technical figures in front of me though.

I should remind you that this broadcast is only for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re not a Kakos Industries shareholder, then it is entirely possible that this device will de-modulate, and remodulate your whole galvanic wave function until there’s nothing left of you. Shareholders are of course immune due to their constant exposure to Murphian ethowaves. Soundman… I think I owe you an apology. Are we sure we’re not in some sort of psychedelic realm now? Yes, I’ve seen that movie. Fine, forget I asked. 

As I mentioned prior, Junior has continued to experiment in his psychedelic mind palace. The work he’s been doing in there has been apparently ground breaking in the real world. Mostly, his discoveries are in the realm of psychedelic chemicals. He did develop a chemical which allows you to visit him temporarily while he’s in there, instead of four to eight hours at a time. He says he mainly developed this chemical to keep interruptions to a minimum. He was having meetings in there, but then the meeting would be over and the people from the meeting would just be there messing with stuff for hours after. The alternative was having some sort of teleconference, which he managed to work into his mind palace, but the device that maintained the connection with other minds in the outside world was still kind of leaky. We were getting pieces of his call on anything that receives signals inside the building. Another problem has arisen from this situation, which is that in his expansion of his mind, Junior has been neglecting his body. Our team of physiotherapists has been working with him to get some exercise in again. I am told that Junior has invented a way around this, however. There is now a button in his mind palace that causes his body in the real world to automatically engage in a forty-five minute exercise routine without his mind being involved at all. This has satisfied the minimum requirements of course, but the physiotherapists are uncomfortable at him ignoring the spirit of the activity. We’ve had some other employees attempt to take the psychedelics to create their own mind palaces, but it appears that the standard human mind doesn’t have what it takes to go as deep as Junior has. This has led to another startling discovery, however. When under the influence of the psychedelics, Junior is able to harness the power of additional minds. When people are properly prepared, they can become parallel processors for his experimentation. He has needed to update the machine to increase its bandwidth, but apparently the added brain power is worth it. People in this state report strange experiences, like seeing through Junior’s eyes and feeling through his body. Some of them come back from the experience and mimic his speaking mannerisms for a while. We’re keeping an eye on this developing situation. 

Some of you were very curious how Fourest intercepted the broadcast last time and about some coincidences that may have occurred. The short answer is we don’t know. We’re pretty sure it had something to do with his broadcast getting into Junior’s machine, but any interaction in the other direction is more confusing. It is possible that Fourest is also experiencing some sort of hallucinatory or micro-dose-related state as a result of his Evil modulator in his brain malfunctioning. That may have interacted with Junior’s device, but the distance doesn’t make sense. Some of what we presented may have just been our hallucinations also. I wish I had better answers. 

We recently had the Darkest Universe Festival. I mentioned last time that there would be some interesting journaling assignments and that is what we did. Many of you joijned us in person. Others joined us remotely. All the same, you were given the prompts and allowed to write. We’ve discovered that the process of writing has a dramatic effect on how we interact with the world and how we set intentions for our lives and actions. We spent hours journaling away. For many of you, it was the first time you had written by hand in decades. The journaling exercises included: What makes me feel Evil? Why do I love Evil so much? What is my favorite part of Evil? I’m in a locked dungeon with only the clothes on my back and Evil. What do I do? Many of you have offered to share with us the words that you wrote, but I need to emphasize that that was not the point of the exercises. We were not looking for ideas. We have plenty of ideas. What we don’t have is time and resources to pursue them all. The point of you journaling was to give yourself the opportunity to reflect and move yourself into a darker Universe along with us. 

We also had the Nudity Festival. Shareholders, I was warned. I was told not to do another hair growth formula, and I didn’t listen. I thought, what could go wrong? Certainly things might not look the way that they are most in vogue right now, but expanding our horizons can be a healthy thing. I forgot how things go here at Kakos Industries. To put it concisely, the pubes were so out of control that navigating the basement ballroom was difficult. We had to start shaving people just to get them free of tangles that they got into with other attendees. We’re never doing hair growth formulas again. And I won’t forget this time. I understand that our Division of Spinning, which handles both bicycle exercise and making threads and yarns, collected as much of the leftover tangled messes and they are attempting to do something with the hair. I might tell you what happens, or I might just try to forget any of this ever transpired. 

Coming up, we have the Festival of Mud. I am told that the forces of water and earth are at odds this time, and we may have two separate festivals once again. We shall see.

I have news about Kakophonia, our ongoing music festival on the amphitheater lawn. Apparently, they are currently having Emo sing-along night. I am told that the makeup is beginning to run and the screaming has started.There have been a few arguments about whether or not a performer was secretly just punk, or if their music was verging on goth. Some people are genre purists.

I got to spend some time with Middy again. She has some theories about her minor genetic differences and what they make different about her, compared with her sisters. Apparently a small difference in an allele associated with business sense might be why she’s been relegated to managing companies instead of genetic research. I have a hard time believing that a single allele in that way can make that much of a difference. Really, it seems far more likely to me that there are some massive nurture differences. This is a complicated topic for a family whose business is largely genetic engineering for specific outcomes. If nurture can get in the way, then they haven’t done their job correctly. That sounds like a goal far above what any genetic engineer can hope to achieve. At least not with humans. Middy wouldn’t hear it. Partly, she’s a bit insecure because she doesn’t have the background in genetics that her sisters do. She wants badly to take their word for it. I understand that her world has been shaken by the realization that she is made from genetics from a different Tabitha. I tried to explain to her that there are… well it certainly seems like there’s at least one person out there whose only difference from me is nurture, and well, he’s completely different. She called that shoddy work. I told her that her family was directly involved. She then said it was a shoddy work order then. I suppose I can’t argue with that.

Speaking of… clones… Fourest reportedly chained himself to a historic monument that was going to be bulldozed for a big box store. Ordinarily, activities like this result in weeks long campaigns and arrests and all kinds of problems. Apparently the construction contractors took one look at Fourest and decided that it wasn’t remotely worth it. They gave him written confirmation that they were calling off their plans. Apparently the big box store hasn’t been able to find a construction crew that will work with them. In the meantime, Fourest has been transforming the land around the landmark into a public park. That sounds… well, it sounds nice. We found out about all of this after he did it, so we were unable to catch him. Again, I’m not sure what we’ll do if we do catch him. He’s got so many robotic parts. And then there’s his brain chip. I suppose we could try to replace the parts with biological replacements. But I swear to all that is Evil and dastardly in this world that if he gets a monster arm before I do… There will be consequences for the entire company. 

I asked Middy if she knew more about the Tabithas that aren’t clones. I haven’t been talking about them much recently, though they are still trying to find ways to get me to… well, make an Evil baby with them. I discovered when I sent them into the archives that I was able to keep them somewhat distracted by giving them tasks as long as those tasks seem like displays of dominance, which checks a sexual box for them. I asked them to do a jumping jacks competition, which went on for days. They had to recover for a while afterward. I’ve recently put them to work writing erotica. That seems to have some legs to it. It’ll keep them busy for a while. All I have to do is walk by once in a while and look like I’m enjoying what I read over their shoulders. Right, I was talking about Middy. She somewhat knows what’s going on with them, but said she didn’t want to give me false information if she was wrong. That felt like a gentle brush off. I’ll push again at some point.

It’s now time for today’s Q&A Segment. Today’s question is, “What sound equipment do the broadcasts use?” That’s a complicated question as there are a lot of things that we use. It would be too much to go through everything. What’s that? Soundman has just handed me a list of his gear. Of all his gear.It’s very long. What are these things even doing? Why is my microphone going through sixteen preamps? What are they doing that the first one didn’t? What do you mean you don’t know? Look, if it makes you happy… okay. He says it makes him very happy. He wants me to read the list. It’s too long. I’ll read three things. Okay, he’s very proud of our Nimbly optical compressors, our Hemasonic input transformers, and the Densatronic microphone in front of my face that apparently has a self-noise so low that it can accurately pick up the cosmic background radiation. But that’s light, not sound, Soundman. Huh. How about that? Apparently the big bang made a noise. 

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. They took their eyes off of the Ho-Hunk-Ulus, that robotic sex toy capable of slurping up whole dudes that also looks like an anatomical homunculus. Some rando apparently switched it on and died inside again. And, no, before you ask, they have not been able to get her out. SHe’s still stuck in there with another haunting look of pure satisfaction on her face. I think… I think I’m going to take it out on one of the lawns here at Kakos and blow the damn thing up. It’s certainly doing Evil, but again, to the Evil, which is kind of a moral wash. And I hate it, so.. Yeah, let’s blow it up. Their other project, the Satisficer, apparently now has improved dirty talk algorithms. It now can give better encouragement based on a brief psychological assessment. The downside is that it has left a number of users in tears as it addresses significantly unmet needs outside of the sexual realm. What if I just fire everyone and start fresh with a new staff? Wouldn’t that be nice? Yes, Soundman, I know I already suggested it and the board declined. It’s funny, if I wanted to blow them up, no big deal. If I want to fire them, the board gets cranky. All the same I did threaten to transfer them to the Division of Thrill Ride Testing if they don’t get their act together. I’m pretty sure I can do that without board approval. The board didn’t even look at their submissions. They have no idea what’s going on. They told me if I hated it so much I could start another division to do other sex stuff. But… this is the longest we’ve had a sexual division last as one entity. It’s a streak. Do I want to break that? I told Grace to start looking for loopholes.

Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp has given us an update on the large crystal formation they’ve been finding in the caverns down there. Apparently, they’ve found a large crystal with images captured from a time long ago, but they are trying to focus light through it in interesting ways instead of polishing it directly to produce the images. This one has a snapshot of about two hours with their current methods, though there seems to be some overlap with the other chunk we’ve talked about previously. The clarity is still holding back research. Without being able to see clearly, we can’t make the conclusions we need to. It appears for now that the laborers have taken some sort of spiritual joy in uncovering these crystals, which again is not what they are down there for. They’re supposed to be suffering, you know? All the same, these discoveries are interesting, and I wouldn’t really want to change up the formula too much if it means we can keep learning. We’ll bring back the suffering soon.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted Foilizard vs. Saranphibian. These two monsters were originally created in separate manufacturing accidents at facilities making foil and plastic wrap respectively. Now, when I say that the reenactors looked like they had just been covered in plastic wrap and aluminum foil in the shape of giant lizard monsters, I mean that in the very best way. This was one of those reenactments where bits and pieces of each could fly off in any direction, including into the audience. It was amazing. Naturally, plastic wrap is just that much more tenacious and unruly, and Saranphibian came out on top. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has found the statue piece that opens the hidden basement in the police station. Inside of the hidden basement, I am told there were hundreds of monsters. Now, I know we use the monster to mean a lot of different things here at Kakos, but in this case, I mean the mindless ones that do constant violence. I understand that the Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to lost one of their senior members in this mishap. They have placed a lock on a fence near the building with that member’s name on it. They have thrown away the key.

I have some minor news about Kimmie and the Matmos. Two of the stranger pools down there in the basements below Kakos have been completely drained and reincorporated into the main pool. Buddy was one of them. Buddy’s minions are looking significantly healthier. You might remember that they were at one point on the edge of starvation. Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the Matmos, have grumbled about this a bit, but are seemingly okay with having Buddy returned to them. They’ve stopped coming to work in business casual as I described before but have seemingly discovered a way to combine their dark, haunting robes with typical office attire. It’s kind of a baggy, dark office attire. It has not lost them any fans, that’s for sure. It would appear that they are designing and sewing their own clothes when no one is looking. I think they are growing to accept their role in the relationship between the business and the Matmos. Sometimes, I will catch them sighing and rolling their eyes, but no one has said or done anything. The request came from inside the Matmos. And then they get to work on it. I think this counts as growth. That’s a positive, right?

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Wynona Grimbal has healed nicely after the hazing rituals that left her excessively smooched. She says there will be another gauntlet to experience before she can reach the next level, but it happens only every so often when there are enough initiates to qualify. Things may move beyond smooching and she is preparing herself for the emotional weight of the progression. She told us that it feels like things are moving very fast right now and she’s not sure she’s ready. I’ve assigned a team to help her with whatever preparations she might need. For what it’s worth, Wynona is in her thirties. And she’s divorced. I’m not sure what they’re going to need to help her with.

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Magdalena Jabulani from the Division of Drum Circles for helping us to bury the hatchet and all get along. Things were getting pretty heated between the Division of Soft Shell Tacos and the Division of Hard Shell Tacos. I understand that now they are simply the Division of Tacos and we are all the better for it.

They say that Evil once wrote a popular romantasy story, and now you have to wear elf ears in the bedroom. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we’re taking credit for Balls. Like, have you seen balls? I think we’ve said enough.

Ugene Green has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Ugene Green’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Graeme Dice (Gray-umm Dice). We gave the Wheel of Misery a clinical spin and it landed on the space for Slimy. From this day forward, Graeme Dice will be 30% slimier, which is a lot slimier to be. For Evil Measure, Ugene Green will be 15% less slimy, which can have its own complications. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere wearing thoughtfully woven stinging nettles. If it sounds uncomfortable, it certainly looks uncomfortable as well. They are covered in rashes. It has only amplified their chaotic behavior. 

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. Things are certainly still in motion here at Kakos Industries. Moving parts are moving. We will see what comes up next time. You will need to destroy the granular network stabilizer before you, but you must avoid puncturing the high capacity encabulator and the deoxide chamber. Also, avoid cutting any of the wires leading to the magnaflux reprofusion unit. The numbers are next.

17

17

17

3017

17

17,030

37

13

71

31

4

31

7

4

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, the little voice in your ear telling you to spank it.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employees Calico and Carson Lukas, who reminded everyone to tune before recording. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has continued working on the second story of their knit castle.The saunas are coming along nicely, though they don’t involve any steam and mainly rely on the warmth of wool. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a boombox with speakers busted in such a way that everything that comes from it rattles not just your ears, but also your bones. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by placing a riding crop on every manager’s desk. Whether they use it or not is irrelevant.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Gut Your Own Fish. “The fish was fresh. Too fresh. 68/99”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on Soups and Shakes. These soups are guaranteed to make you shake.  The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is considering what textures make them feel the most Evil. Currently, melamine foam is in the lead. It may stay there. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked 13 black cats. A step ladder was involved, and many of the cats ran under it.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the quiet study room. Technically, it’s not allowed, but they’re not allowed to raise their voices to kick you out either. The Division of Unnecessary Competitions, Directed by Mike A, has organized a competition to see who can fit the most apricots in their mouth while lying down. The Division of Deeth Divination, directed by Jack Delancey, watched Corin order pretzels from a vending machine. They tell us, “everything is going to be so expensive.” Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you,  Vibe it out, just vibe it out.