in which Corin gets dosed, Fourest shares some updates, a deal is broken, and Merv “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.

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Intro:What you are about to hear is something you wish you heard a long time ago.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients and everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO. Last time, shareholders, we were given some wisdom by Junior from his most recent psychedelic trips. As much as I wanted to make fun of him for having profound thoughts his first time voyaging inward, there were a couple of juicy nuggets. I’m certainly more interested in the information he had about the caves, and many of you were very happy to hear that The Man with the Long Long Hat considered all debts to be paid. I still don’t know what the hell that means, and I hope I don’t have to. Anyway, we have a lot to discuss today, so let’s get started.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a weird crackling in your jaw. It wasn’t doing it yesterday, but today, your jaw kind of crackles when you move it. And when you hold it still, well, you start to hear these announcements. This isn’t a traditional radio, not that we ever send you traditional radios, but this one is especially nontraditional. I am told that this method of broadcasting comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Viscosity and Primo Bodily Fluids, one of our favorite clients. I am told that the cracking in your jaw is due to a difference in fluids and those different fluids are also somehow able to turn radio signals at a certain frequency into sound in your jaw. The sound quality largely depends on the composition of the rest of your jaw, but I am told with confidence that you can hear me clearly. That’s the most important part after all.

I need to emphasize that this broadcast is only for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re not a Kakos Industries shareholder, then it is extremely unlikely that your jaw has the right conditions to hear these announcements. It’s far more likely that you became a shareholder without knowing it. Have you done something super Evil recently? Has anyone handed you shares in a company called Kakos Industries? Perhaps the paperwork was written in some kind of nether dialect. I’m just saying that you probably don’t want to destroy your jaw. It might make more sense to rationalize your new Evil identity. 

So, Middy, AKA the middle Tabitha, has confronted Tabitha prime with regards to her origin. I think a lot of us were thinking this was where this might end up. Anyway, apparently when she asks people for answers, sometimes they just give them. That never happens for me. And yes, Middy is based heavily off of DNA from hair follicles on an old brush that Tabitha Prime had access to that used to belong to her twin sister. She’s a clone of Tabitha Prime’s twin. I don’t know how to effectively demarcate this. Were we saying Tabitha Prime 2? That sounds familiar. While this doesn’t seem particularly groundbreaking to me, seeing that the two Tabitha twins were already identical, and therefore extremely genetically close, apparently this makes a huge difference when your whole life revolves around cloning and minor genetic differences. Middy is understandably shaken by the revelation. Apparently, Tabitha Prime missed certain qualities that her sister had that she didn’t. And she wanted to bring those back in Middy. It’s unclear whether those qualities were strictly nature, and not nurture, but who knows. We had barely finished lunch when a group of the Tabithas who have taken on the name and responsibilities without actually being clones of the original Tabitha appeared. They ran after Middy. I saw her do some amazing self-defense maneuvers, knocking a few of them away, and then she bolted. She texted me later, “that happens sometimes.” I did not realize that animosity was there. I think they also get somewhat jealous when they see her spending time with me. Anyway, she’s been processing her new truth alone. I still don’t think this was in any way tied to her psychedelic experiences, because those cannot be shared and they do not connect you to other people. 

JUNIOR: Corin, I’ve invented a device that allows you to share psychedelic experiences and be connected to other people during them.

CORIN: Can’t believe you’d do me like that, Junior. I just got done saying–

JUNIOR: There’s no time. Quick, breathe this. (blowing sound)

CORIN: What? Oh. (coughing)

JUNIOR: It’s inhalable Deeth-lerium Mark 5. I whipped up the batch this morning. It’s based on the original chemical structure, but I’ve made important modifications that affect potency and tolerance. It should be (pitch moving downward) kicking in any moment.

(a dropping tone)

CORIN: What? What the hell? Did you just dose me?

JUNIOR: It’s very important, Corin. I know we needed to get back here and this was the only time I could catch you this week.

CORIN: I was doing the announcements!

JUNIOR: You still are. Soundman is here, too.

CORIN: Oh. How strange. We’re in the hallucination together?

JUNIOR: Yes. Corin… Welcome to the caves! You wanted to know more and here we are! The caves! As you can see over here, I’ve set up my laboratory.

CORIN: Laboratory?

JUNIOR: Yes, it’s where I worked out the device that allows us to connect as well as the new formulations of Deeth-lerium.

CORIN: What? How does that work?

JUNIOR: It allows me to use my brain in different ways. Unrestricted creativity. I run simulations at the speed of thought.

CORIN: Is that healthy? I never should have signed that permission slip.

JUNIOR: It’s perfectly fine. I’ve been working with the Division of Psychedelia closely. It would appear that I’ve revolutionized their field in the last month.

CORIN: How?
JUNIOR: I have a lot of brain processing power, as we all know. When I reapply that brain power away from Weltschmerz, I am capable of lot.

CORIN: Do you even know chemistry?

JUNIOR: Corin, I have so many degrees. Are you not aware of all of my degrees?

CORIN: I guess I forgot. 

JUNIOR: Let’s forget about all of these questions for now and appreciate that I have brought you back to The Caves! This is where you wanted to be!

CORIN: Oh! Oh yeah. Except. Wait. These aren’t the right caves?

JUNIOR: They always look different, right?

CORIN: Yeah, but the feeling is the same. And the feeling here… it’s different.

JUNIOR: This was unexpected. I may need to spend some time in my lab working through some possibilities. 

CORIN: You DOSED ME. DURING THE ANNOUNCEMENTS. AND NOW YOU NEED TO DO MORE RESEARCH?

JUNIOR: I did what had to be done, Corin. Stop being so small-minded about this. Let me do some math. I can salvage this. Look, your notes came with you.

CORIN: They did. And they’re not swimming. 

JUNIOR: I swapped a chlorine for a fluorine and bam! Extra clarity.

FOUREST: Hello, all of you out there listening, both big and small, human and critter. It’s me, Fourest.

JUNIOR: What the hell is that?

CORIN: It’s Fourest.

JUNIOR: I didn’t dose him. I wouldn’t have brought him here!

CORIN:       No, he’s been broadcasting. Out in the woods. We have some recordings…but I think this one is live.

FOUREST: As you all know, I am still running from Kakos Industries. This has required me to have a somewhat nomadic setup because when I finish these announcements, they will have triangulated my location, and I cannot be here when they arrive.

JUNIOR: It must be the synchronization machine. Maybe I didn’t shield its internals properly. Well, should we listen in?

CORIN: Unfortunately, I don’t think we have a choice. I’ll explain when he’s done.

FOUREST: I’ll try to keep this short. Progress on the field mouse sanctuary has been moving along swimmingly. The Division of Field Mice, which is me, has finished the field mouse hutch, and there are currently six of them in there cuddling. They are sweet little babies and I just love them. I can hear one of them snoring. I think that might be Milliam Wames. I don’t have favorites, as you know, but little Milliam is just so precious. 

The Division of Highway Safety, which is also me, recently completed work on the second nature underpass so fewer of our deer friends will be injured by vehicles. My attempts so far to teach the deer population to perform first aid until I can arrive has so far been unsuccessful. 

I also have news from the Division of Wildflowers, which is once again me. The reintroduction of the native species of wildflowers has been greatly appreciated by the local native bee populations. I just love to see their fuzzy little buts all covered in pollen as they bring that sweet nectar back to their hives. Progress on removing some of the peskier invasive species has been slow on account of even the invasive species having an inherent value and right to existence. I have been workshopping some sternly worded discouragements to try to get them to slow their expansion into the environment. I will admit, somewhat shamefully, that I pulled up a burgeoning invasive tree sapling. I have yet to forgive myself for this transgression. Gotta move. Talk to you soon.

CORIN: So, yeah. Shareholders, I know that you have all been wondering about Fourest since he’s been missing and now you have a sense of what he’s been up to. You might recall we put a chip in his brain to make him more Evil, but somehow his existing Evil was too powerful and the chip started to compensate in the wrong direction. I can’t remember if it was an underflow or overflow error, but whichever, he was significantly less Evil. While we haven’t been able to pinpoint his location, he has been making things somewhat easier for us in that regard by broadcasting some sort of radio signal. He must have built a radio that he takes with him in the woods. It is using HAM radio bands. I don’t know if he has a license for that. I would assume he does as he is currently the opposite of Evil. We missed a couple of the broadcasts but we’ve been recording every bit we can since then. I really do think tho that we are hearing him live. Or we’re hallucinating it together. At any rate, Junior seems to be working away in his mind palace here, and Fourest has yielded the air waves. Are we okay to proceed, Soundman? He’s giving me a thumbs up, but is also looking at his thumb like he’s never seen it before. 

If you’re wondering at all how we are managing to continue the broadcast, we’ve basically had to reinvent the way microphones work, and we have some capable of listening into psychedelic experiences. If you’ve been listening to the announcements recently, you’ll understand why we’ve done this. I’m going to do my best to carry on with the announcements. 

We recently had the Festival of Affirmation. We were attempting to find the hand gestures that indicated the most approval to another human being. Once we eliminated all of the discouraging hand gestures, we did find a couple that did affirm others. Then we did them as hard as we could. A number of people strained their thumbs trying to get them to reach even further up.

The Festival of Facial Hair was an interesting departure from the norm. Many of you around Kakos Industries already keep beautiful beards year round. Others have seasonal facial hair, and we may be coming to the end of that season. Others of you, for one reason or another, have never had a beard. With the hair tonic we developed, anyone who was interested could participate. And participate quite well. I understand the term people have been using is “explosive growth.” That sounds worse than it was, but many of you did turn from smooth faced into some sort of lost mining prospector in a matter of days. There were a lot of bows and ribbons in the beards as well as some styling products that made some wild and unexpected shapes possible. Many people have requested that we keep this Festival, and I think we might, but on a smaller scale.

We also recently had the Big Black Hole Celebration. Last time I mentioned that there appears to be a force field around the hole preventing anyone from getting close or studying it. This sort of thing can happen with science accidents like this. The physics around the hole is unpredictable. Anyway, we had the celebration and we stood and we chanted. The wall was impenetrable, so we had to stand a little further back than usual. Well, it was impenetrable for everyone except Vladamir Manu, who lost his balance and fell in. Either that or he was pulled in by some unknown force. Everyone who tried to stop him was stopped by the force field, so it wasn’t a time window thing. It was a Manu specific thing. We may find out why this happened, or maybe not. That’s the nature of these things. Scientists are working on it, though.

Coming up, we have the Darkest Universe Festival. This is the opportunity every year where we wish ourselves into an even darker Universe with the hope that someday our choices will bring us into the fork of the Universe where everything is the darkest. In the past we’ve isolated people from opposing factions to us here at Kakos Industries and we’ve wished them so much ill will that they turned to stone or exploded. This year, we’re trying some journaling exercises.

Also coming up is The Nudity Festival. I don’t have any notes on how this festival will proceed this year, but I am told that there is leftover beard formula available, which should work for producing massive and majestic bushes. If that’s your thing. Might be fun for a week, you know. I’m having a somewhat traumatic memory from a festival we had some years ago where all of you grew so much hair. Maybe… Maybe we don’t grow that much hair this time.

JUNIOR: Corin, do you suppose that’s what my note about eating it with the fuzz on was all about?

CORIN: I think it was about kiwi fruit. 

JUNIOR: No, you see, the fuzz is–

CORIN: I know what the fuzz is. Fair enough. Shareholders, perhaps this will be your opportunity to lose your fear around eating it with the fuzz on. Given the beards we just witnessed, though, it may create some new fears instead by accident.

I have news about Kakophonia, our never ending music festival. Apparently we’re going to be having a ska night. Were you aware, shareholders, that ska is technically the most Evil genre of music? I’ll admit that this conclusion involves a complicated mathematical proof, but it is true, and we have verified it. The concept is a little difficult and it’s not easy to pick it up pick it up pick it up.

JUNIOR: Boo!

CORIN: I know.

FOUREST: I’ve found a safe place again, which gives me an opportunity to update you about all of the festivals we’ve been having. Today, of course, we had the At One With Nature Festival. We all took a deep breath and tried to let the nature permeate every cell of our being. It was amazing.

We also had the festival of cute little fuzzies. We brought together the cute little fuzzies from all over the forest to see who was the cutest. I can spoil the outcome. They were all the cutest. The forest is full of perfect little cutie fuzzies.

And of course, we seem to be having the Festival of Facial Hair. I haven’t had access to a mirror or razors for a little while now and I must say that my beard is growing in magnificently. I’ve been wrapping bits of foil and twine that the ravens bring me in it. Oh! I think it’s time to move again.

CORIN: The Division in charge of tracking down Fourest tells me that the new location they triangulated was miles away from the last one. Cyborg legs are really something. And for what it’s worth, if that beard of his is anything like I think it is, it’s patchy as fuck. There’s a reason I didn’t participate in the Festival.

It’s now time for today’s Q&A Segment. Today’s question is, “Who keeps talking to me?” The answer: That’s Richie. He works in the Division of Electrical Engineering. He’s really talkative. Super nice, just gets bored at his desk. You should feel lucky. We really love that guy.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences regarding the ho-hunk-ulus, that giant anatomical homunculus that they created to apparently satisfy someone’s sexual appetites. They were able to finally get the body of that guy the ho-hunk-ulus sucked up and killed out of there. I didn’t realize that the body had still been in the ho-hunk-ulus most of this time. I thought when I mentioned this last month that he was already out, but, apparently, it took weeks to get him properly dislodged. The smile on his face only got more disturbing over time as his flesh bloated and decomposed. At one point, one person from the division yanked one his legs off accidentally trying to get him out of there. It was a whole thing. I understand that the machine is off limits for decontamination. I am also told that the Satisficer has some new dirty talk functionality. The new phrases are: “That’s the spot,” “You’re nothing like your mother,”  and “Give it to me freakey styley.”

I have news from the Hell labor camp and Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer. Apparently, they polished the crystal they found that had captured some moment in the past trying to get more clarity from it. The trouble is they got more clarity, but they lost some time from the image loop in the process of polishing it. They’re going to be more careful in the future, but this may just be one of the tradeoffs. 

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted Unlimited Spines vs. Trypophobidon. This is a difficult one to watch for a lot of you. You either have to root for the spines or the holes and both are extremely unsettling to look at. Some may even be nauseated at the thought. At one point in the battle, the two beasts mashed together and spines went into holes and for a moment they could not get free of one another, like some sort of horror show hook and loop fastener. Once they did get free, apparently the experience was so embarrassing that they called the fight off and never saw each other again. The reenactment played out much the same way. The performers left the ring and the audience was left to figure out that it was over and make our way to the exits.

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has found the smaller orb that opens the larger orb. Inside of the larger orb was a medium sized orb. They are apparently looking for more orbs to help figure out what to do with the medium orb.

Kimmie has been working with the Division of Dams and Water Management still to reunite all of the Matmos pools. There have been strange effects in all of the Matmos affected employees. She did respond to the complaint filed by Clarissa and Hedera and met with them. She tried to explain her process and methodology. She tried to explain her reasoning. Clarissa and Hedera just started rolling on the ground screaming. Like an actual toddler tantrum. Kimmie went back down to the Matmos pools to continue her work.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Wynona Grimbal, our woman on the inside of the Miss Belle of the Ball Pageant, is out of her hazing rituals. Her face is red from all of the smooching. Some of it may be lipstick. There are other more concerning bruises and injuries that I’ll skip describing because I know you’ll enjoy it too much, ya freaks. Wynona appears quite satisfied about the situation. “You should see the other gals,” she explained when we asked. I’m not sure if that’s to tell us she didn’t lose the fight, if that’s what you can call it, or if she would literally like us to see the other gals because we would be impressed. It could be both.

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Georg Zalima from the Division of Lost Socks for finding matches to the otherwise orphaned socks in the hamper. It’s kind of a collective hamper, and the socks are a bit more of a metaphor, but Zalima found a match for every single one, which is a huge relief. Thank you for what you do, Georg Zalima.

FOUREST: I think I’ve found another place where I can do a bit more broadcasting. Now it’s time for some employee spotlights. Today, I’m spotlighting the mighty pine tree for being so tall and for all that its needles and cones do for the habitat. And also this mushrooming fungus I just found. It’s doing its little business down under the ground, decaying plant and animal matter, preparing all of that for new life. And now, today’s Q&A segment. Today’s question comes from one of the ravens. He asks “SQUAWK?” to which, I reply “SQUAWK!”

JUNIOR: Corin, could I have your attention please.

CORIN:         Not now, Fourest is taking up all the bandwidth.

FOUREST: I would now like to announce the winner of the Makes Life Better Drawing.

JUNIOR: I believe I’ve discovered a way to temporarily disable that. We have more pressing issues.

CORIN: Have you found a way to the correct cave system?

JUNIOR: No, but we have company.

CORIN: Oh. His hat.

JUNIOR: It’s very long, yes.

CORIN: Is that…

JUNIOR: I could not say for certain, but the signs are indicating yes.

TMWTLLH: You. You motherfucker.

CORIN: What?

TMWTLLH: We had a deal.

CORIN: Do we know each other?

TMWTLLH: We had a deal!

CORIN: Do you have any idea what he’s talking about, Junior?

JUNIOR: Not a clue. 

TMWTLLH: You fucked me!

CORIN: I did? How?

TMWTLLH: We had a deal!

CORIN: What was the deal? 

TMWTLLH: AHHH!

CORIN: He’s coming for me! Junior, help! He’s got me!

JUNIOR: I can’t get a grip on him.

(fizzling sound)

TMWTLLH: You fucker!

CORIN: What’s happening?

JUNIOR: He’s evaporating!

TMWTLLH: You mother–

(fizzing, then silence)

CORIN: Is he…

JUNIOR: I believe he is gone.

CORIN: Forever?
JUNIOR: How would I know? But… I feel that he is.

CORIN: What the fuck just happened?

JUNIOR: I do not know. Perhaps it would be wise… to finish the announcements.

CORIN: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?

JUNIOR: My work is not progressing as quickly as I had hoped. We may be here a while. Finish the announcements.

CORIN: I… okay.

They say that Evil once made eyes at your father during dinner at a restaurant.  This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for mouth stuff, butt stuff, and nose stuff. What kind of stuff exactly?  Don’t ask questions you may not like the answers to. And before you can begin to doubt, yes, we are responsible for all of these things. 

Merv has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Merv’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Liquid IV. What’s that, Soundman? No, I’m pretty sure it’s roman numerals. Well, I get to read it however I want. That’s in the rules. Anyway, we gave the Wheel of Misery a spirited spin and it landed on the space for Shiny. From this day forward, Liquid IV will be 35% shinier, which is honestly too shiny for any human being. For Evil measure, Merv will be 14% more matte. It’s a look for sure. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere covered in rosemary. You might be imagining that they opened a couple of hundred rosemary spice containers and just started sprinkling, but you would be wrong. They uprooted entire rosemary bushes and have covered themselves in the entire plant’s debris. This one is once again awfully messy, but does smell a lot better than their usual. 

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. You obviously can’t destroy your jaw, so what you’re going to need to do is drink a lot of water. Put a sprinkling of salt in there and just drink. It’ll help to flush the fluids that are helping to bring you the broadcast. That should stop any stray broadcasts you might hear. I am hoping that the effects of this psychedelic begin to fade soon.

JUNIOR: It takes about eight hours. But worry not! I have games.

CORIN: Fuck. Well, shareholders, it appears that I’m in it for a while. The numbers are next.

CORIN and FOUREST: 7, 7, 99, 7, 77, 999, 77, 99, 799, 7, 9, 4, 4.

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, a handful of sass .

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who started the happy birthday song on the right note. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has continued working on the second story of their knit castle. After the failures of the hot tubs, they have settled for knit saunas. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a really old rake. It’s not super Evil by default but the rust is concerning. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by adding tiny springs to everyone’s shoes.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Subterranean Mediterranean. “Classic mediterranean dishes, but made exclusively with vegetables that grow under the ground. 13/27”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on weird fizzes. Apparently there are many more ways to make your mouth fizz than any of us realized.  The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. Currently, they are listening to old worn out tapes of unknown country acts. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked two blue whales. It’s not easy to get them to stack for sure.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the costume shop. There are so many aisles, it would be hard for someone to find you by accident. The Division of Unnecessary Competitions, Directed by Mike A, has organized a competition to see who can play the sickest solo on this out of tune guitar. The Division of Deeth Divination, directed by Jack Delancey, watched Corin tie his left shoe bunny ears style. They tell us, “it’s happening”. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you, tell all your secrets to a plushie.

Leaked Document:

Grace, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what must be going on with Fourest. We’ve been unable to track him down, which might not seem like a big issue to everyone, but we simply don’t know what he’s going to do. That chip in his head could pop and who knows what would happen then. Also I feel somewhat responsible. We did this to him, whether it was on purpose or not, and maybe we should try to fix it. 

So I’ve been looking into other Evil people who went off the deep end like this. Certainly it’s far more common for people to go off the deep end the other way and end up so Evil that they become useless. We’ve seen that a lot. I don’t think I even need to list cases. We can all think of a dozen without even trying. 

Finding people who left Evil is harder.

I found a case from the Division of Deep where one of their employees meditated so hard that he achieved true neutral status and ascended. Well, that’s what they say. The true neutral status was confirmed, and then ten minutes later his heart stopped. Maybe he was true neutral about life also. 

Here’s another case where one of our marketers, after a life of making Evil better, just went off to start a company making shoes for rural, developing nations. The trouble with this one is that the inspiration was good, but the execution was still kind of Evil. They needed a lot of things before shoes. It’s got “marketing hobby project” written all over it. 

Then we had a woman from the Division of Revision just lose the ability to do Evil. There was a lot of depression involved. Something about work stress. She couldn’t do Evil, but she also didn’t do much else. It was different from the usual mental health crises that we encounter. Again, she didn’t go too hard into Evil, instead going the other way. All the same, unusual behavior. 

It is perhaps strange that this doesn’t happen more. Optimistically, I’d like to say it’s because we give people reasons to stay and a high quality of life. On the other hand, it can often be very difficult to leave Evil, and we do that on purpose. There aren’t that many stories for us to learn from, unfortunately.