in which Junior has some ideas to share, Clarissa and Hedera complain about “The Wretch”, and Najee “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear is lethal in large doses. Like really, really big heroic doses.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients and everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO. Shareholders, can you believe that it has been twelve years since I took the helm here at Kakos Industries? I don’t know if I can. All the same, I’m happy to have had you with me on this journey. We have a lot to discuss today, so we should get right into it.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a scratch and listen sticker. At the appropriate time, you placed the sticker on a hard surface. We recommended a flat surface, but I assume that some of you stuck the sticker to a water bottle anyway. This may affect the sound, but it is obviously still working if you can hear me right now. Once affixed, you then began to slowly and rhythmically scratch the sticker. Then, when you brought your ear close, these announcements began to reach you. By now, the sound should be significantly louder, allowing you to listen from a safer distance. This radio comes to us as a collaboration between Funzo’s Fine Scratchables and our Division of Friction. They tell me that the audio quality is amazing when you consider that the sound is coming from some sort of chemical reaction that just occurred due to a fingernail scratching a sticker. The bar, I assume, is fairly low with that caveat. This broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries Shareholders and may include protected or proprietary information, which is why the scratched off bits under the fingernail of non-shareholders will slowly begin to dissolve their entire bodies. That is, unless they can prove that they’re sufficiently Evil in time. How does that work exactly? Well, if you need to know, you won’t have time to find out.

I got to have dinner with the Middle Tabitha again. I did come up with a nickname by the way. It’s middle. I know it’s not that creative, but she agreed as long as I don’t call her mid. Middy is a reasonable compromise so far. It appeals to her because of her love of old arcade games and their sound systems. Anyway, she ran an analysis on her own DNA compared with that of the other clones, and while all the evidence still suggests that she’s a clone, she found some interesting, though small differences between her and her siblings. This alone doesn’t mean anything, but I think she’s going to continue looking into this all the same. No clone is one hundred percent perfect, and people’s DNA changes through their lives sometimes. It also wouldn’t be outside of the realm of her mother’s behavior to intentionally introduce some changes. 

We still haven’t found Fourest, although we do believe that he is hiding in a forest. The reason we believe this is because the road that usually bisects the forest now has several nature underpasses built along it. This is a structure that lifts the road and allows wildlife to cross safely underneath. We’ve found nothing in the civil databases suggesting that any such projects were planned, and we haven’t been able to find a construction company that worked on these projects. They would be simple for someone with serious robotic augmentations, however. We may have found a campsite, but there’s no evidence that it belonged to Fourest. 

Shareholders, did you enjoy the Shareholders’ Ball? You don’t have to answer that.  I know you did. It was perfect in every single way. We monitored the brainwaves of every single person in attendance, and if your face wasn’t melting from the raw awesomeness of the event, we sought you out and did what we needed to to make sure it was. We like to think that the heights of joy that all of you experience during the shareholders’ ball makes the rest of your year a little bit more Evil in comparison. It all drags a little bit when it’s not that great, right? Every day is a little bit drab in comparison to what you’ve experienced. That’s in part why we do it. The other reason  is because we need to show you how much we appreciate you for being a part of us. 

When you arrived at the Shareholders’ Ball, what you likely noticed first was the wave of heat crashing into you, like there was a roaring fire inside. That’s because there was a roaring fire inside. Many of you interpreted this as an imitation of some sort of underworld made from fire and sulfur, but we were trying to evoke something more primal than that. We wanted to bring you back to the earliest days of our ancestors, living by firelight in caves after long days of foraging and hunting. Inside, your shadows were cast in stark contrast along the cave walls. Depending on when you got there, the drums were either just getting started, or already rapidly speeding out of control. It quickly became apparent to you that the music wasn’t just something to be listened to at this ball. No, it was something to be actively participated in. You were handed a drum of some sort and a beater of some sort, and you were told to join in. Now, I know that some of you struggle to keep a rhythm on the best of days, but at this point we had already dosed you with targeted focus aids that would not only help you to keep time, but allow you to feel rhythms in ways that you had never done before. And then, you got to beating that drum head. We had some ringers, of course, people who knew what they were doing. They started us off. They taught the next group. They shouted instructions. And when there were enough of us in the space beating drums, they let things cascade into chaos in the most beautiful way imaginable. We started with the sounds of human heartbeats, we blazed right through the sounds of our ancestors celebrating a successful hunt, and we ended in the entropic death of the Universe. It was magical, borderline spiritual, and something that must be experienced in person to be fully understood. Once we had broken the beaters and the drum heads and our hands were bruised and sore, it was time to enjoy the feast.

We brought out a large serving vessel in the shape of a beast. What sort of beast was up to the interpretation of each of us individually. What became clear is that the beast vessel was being heated over the fire and there were a number of umbilicals coming from it as well. Each of these umbilicals had a valve at the end allowing you to fill a bowl with a variety of gastronomic oozes. The texture was Evil, we will admit that. Having everything in the form of an ooze was a deliberate choice we made to bring into focus the ways that forms of foods affect our perception of them. The flavors, on the other hand, were out of this world. You quickly got over the bizarrely smooth textures and dove into the sweet and savory excursions we offered you. Some of these flavors it’s likely you were not even aware you could experience. And yet, you were experiencing them. Parts of your brains lit up that had perhaps never lit up before. And you could have as much as you wanted. One of the umbilicals coming down from this gargantuan beast was a warm cocktail of mind altering substances that would prepare you for what was coming next.

We were back in the cave with the roaring fire. You were given more drums. It was time to take this to the next level entirely. The psychoactive substances kicked in and the drumming ascended into the stars, bringing us back not just to human origins, but to the origins of matter itself, when the cosmos was but an angry little speck of everything. What happened after that is up to the interpretation of everyone who experienced it, but many recalled the feeling being deep, meaningful, and more Evil than any of us could have imagined. When we started to come down a bit, our hands now not just bruised but also bloodied, that’s when the ceremonial blood splashed all over us from above, and the blood orgy began in earnest. New shareholders are often scared of the blood orgy, and that’s fair. Parts of it do not seem to be for everyone. What we ask is that everyone partake as much as they wish, and however they wish. That being said, we did have an interesting new incentive this year. We had trading cards with sexual activities on them, and should you engage in any of those activities, you were able to collect more cards. Some of you saw this more like a deckbuilder, where a streamlined deck of only the things you wanted was most valuable. Others saw fit to try to collect them all. You couldn’t, though. We did that on purpose. Some of them were mutually exclusive, at least within the same day, and realistically, no matter how many drugs you did, no human body had the energy to run through the entire collection. This is ignoring the fact that most of the cards ended up covered in blood and rapidly became indistinguishable. I should mention that one of you did actually manage to collect all of the cards, but that person didn’t actually engage in any of the sexual activities. Instead that person collected the cards through trade, placing each in a sleeve and then into a binder. To each their own pleasure, I suppose. 

We recently had the Celebration of the Moon. When the time came, we all sat on the grassy lawn outside and looked up at the sky. What no one was expecting was that the moon would then wink at them. We did that. You’re welcome.

Coming up, we have The Celebration of Affirmation. I am told that we are doing some research into the best hand gestures to indicate approval.

We also took a look in the book of anytime festivals for something off the hook. We flipped through the pages casually and found The Festival of Facial Hair. Apparently, we will be celebrating facial hair. For those of you who have recently removed your facial hair or struggle to grow it, we do have some growth formulas that can apparently get literally anyone to grow a beard if they want to. You know how to get in touch if you need some.

We also have the Big Black Hole Celebration coming up. The hole is still there, but nothing can go in or out. It’s like there’s a force field about half a meter from its opening in every direction. Its current depth is uncertain. All the same, we’ll stand around it and chant.

I have news about Kakophonia. Apparently this week they’re doing a program called Covered in Jazz. It’s a theater in the round kind of situation, except everyone sits in the middle, and the musicians are all around. Covering you with their jazz. Implications aside, it sounds like a real hip time.

JUNIOR: Corin.

CORIN: Oh, hi, Junior. Shareholders, you know Junior. He’s a monster here at Kakos Industries based loosely off the DNA of my grandfather.

JUNIOR: I’m 2% ocelot.

CORIN: Right, so what brings you to the studio today? You know, we don’t always have to have conversations in front of the shareholders. We can do this when it’s not a broadcast.

JUNIOR: No, I think this time in particular, I need to be in front of the shareholders. You see, Corin, I have wisdom. 

CORIN: We all know that you are incredibly smart, Junior. The test results definitely show that.

JUNIOR: No, not intelligence, Corin. You can’t share intelligence. I have wisdom to share. 

CORIN: Okay. Did we run this by the ethics panel? We can’t just hand out advice. Sometimes it actually helps people and that’s not always Evil. It can get us in trouble.

JUNIOR: No, I didn’t seek the counsel of any ethics boards. What I sought was the counsel of my own intuition. I looked within.

CORIN: Where is this going? I’m concerned.

JUNIOR: The Deeth-lerium, Corin. I have seen things. Experienced things. And I believe I know the secrets.

CORIN: The secrets? About what?

JUNIOR: Life, Corin. They are contained right here in this notebook. I took copious notes while my mind was being blown. How much do you know about ego death?

CORIN: I mean… not zero. But let’s talk about that notebook. Have you reviewed it since the experience?

JUNIOR: I remember what I wrote. And it is solid gold.

CORIN: But you didn’t read it over?

JUNIOR: And ruin the experience? Don’t be ridiculous.

CORIN: Well, don’t let me stand in your way.

JUNIOR: Thank you, Corin. Shareholders, listen up because I am about to blow your minds. You will never be the same after this. 

CORIN: I’m ready.

JUNIOR: The first note reads… “Up isn’t always up.” Which… um… Well, I mean, I think it speaks for itself. 

CORIN: You don’t want to elaborate?

JUNIOR: No elaboration needed. It is self-evidently true.

CORIN: How should the shareholders use that in their lives?

JUNIOR: Things are not always as they seem. We should be willing to let our preconceived notions go. 

CORIN: That’s fair. 

JUNIOR: That was just a warmup, Corin. The next one is going to fuck you sideways. It reads, “this is a delicious kiwi fruit.”

(Pause)

CORIN: Which means?

JUNIOR: Well, Corin, if I have to break down for a mind as simple as yours, then let me read the next line. “Sometimes you have to eat it with the fuzz on.” 

CORIN: Like?

JUNIOR: Don’t make me spell it out. Part of the joy is in discovering the meaning for yourself. Don’t tell me you’ve never eaten it with the fuzz on, Corin.

CORIN: I don’t know what we’re talking about but I feel offended at the accusation.

JUNIOR: This is about letting your feelings go and allowing the truth to wash over you unrestricted. Leave your mind open for this next gem. “The Universe is always Universing as hard as it can.”

CORIN: Whoa.

JUNIOR: Right? Wait, I’ve got more. “It is easier to negotiate with a hand grenade than a pineapple.”

CORIN: Put that on a slip of paper in a cookie.

JUNIOR: Do not cheapen this. If someone found that nugget in a cookie, their mind would be blown straight out the back of their skull. The shareholders listening, well, they’re a different caliber. Their minds should be fine. Onto the next one. “The time flower blooms eternally.”

CORIN: Okay. I can see it. I think I did see it actually.

JUNIOR: You’ve only begun to see it. That bit of wisdom will catch you by surprise when you least expect it, revealing its true meaning.

CORIN: Like a blooming flower?

JUNIOR: Then it has already begun. I’m sorry, Corin, but things are about to get really real. Before that thought ferments to completion, get ready for this. “No one owes anything to the man with the long long hat. After last time, all debts have been settled.” Funny, I don’t remember writing that one.

CORIN: You remember writing the others?

JUNIOR: Well, there’s some familiarity, but that one… I don’t recall it. That is strange. This is certainly my scrawl. Well, no matter. The final bit of wisdom, Corin. Are you ready?

CORIN: Never been more ready.

JUNIOR: Do not take this so lightly. 

CORIN: No, no, my mind is blown. If it doesn’t seem like it, well, I’m just keeping a brave face on it, Junior.

JUNIOR: I feel as though you’re mocking me.

CORIN: Never.

JUNIOR: Well, let me turn this page and I will prove to you that I have wisdoms most important!

CORIN: I can’t wait. Wise me up.

JUNIOR: “There is nothing in the cave except fear itself. Empty, hollow, harmless fear.”

CORIN: Breathtaking. Wait… What did you say?

JUNIOR: You heard me. 

CORIN: No, I need to know what you meant by that one.

JUNIOR: Well, obviously… uhh… something about sex?

CORIN: No, hold on, that meant something. 

JUNIOR: I think they might all be about sex actually. Right after the experience, I did crank one out that lasted a thousand fractal moments folded over each other experienced simultaneously and sequentially. I think a part of me is still back there feeling it. You know… Maybe this advice is actually not very enlightening after all.

CORIN: Wait, Junior, I think I judged too quickly. Do you have any more information about that last one.

JUNIOR: Lost to time. And the kaleidoscopic climax that followed that must have wiped my mind clean. 

CORIN: Well, do you have any more?
JUNIOR: “Disco isn’t dead. It always smelled that way.”

CORIN: Fuck. 

JUNIOR: What? Look, no one is more disappointed about this than me.

CORIN: Disagree. 

JUNIOR: What’s that, Soundman? The Man with the Long Long Hat? Yes, I did say the debt has been paid. Or something. It appears perhaps that the tide has turned the other way.

CORIN: A lot of people will be relieved to hear that.

JUNIOR: Corin, I was high. I can’t be certain any of this means anything. Perhaps my next journey into the depths will be more fruitful. 

CORIN: I just got a message from… well, the division is redacted or something, but apparently, they checked, and the debt has indeed been wiped out. I have no idea what that means.

JUNIOR: Neither do I. Well, I think I had better go now. I have a lot to chew over. And I do mean my dinner. 

CORIN: Thanks for stopping by, Junior. If you can think of anything else about… the cave, let me know.

JUNIOR: I will be sure to let you know. Tata!

It’s now time for today’s Q&A Segment. Today’s Q is “Where do these scratches keep coming from? I swear there’s always more of them.” The answer is that you’re just not paying attention. We know you, the person who asked this question, and we’ve watched hours of footage of you bumping into shit and every time it was your fault. You are simply not paying attention and that is where the scratches are coming from. Probably time to get that diagnosis. Though we know who the person who asked this question is, there is perhaps someone who should have asked this question but didn’t. Mariana Raguel, those scratches are not from clumsiness or carelessness. It lives beneath your bed. You have to kick it out or it will never leave. 

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. The Ho-hunk-ulus has… claimed a life. No one is more upset about this knowledge than me. It’s a big anatomical homunculus designed around sexual function and it is terrifying to look at. Anyway, it sucked up a whole dude, but he was slightly out of the recommended size range. He got stuck. They could not get him out. He died with a smile on his face. Just horrible to think about. They also tell me that The Satisficer has limited dirty talk functionality now.  It so far chooses between three phrases. They are, “Ooh, zaddy likes”, “give it to me again,” and “you’re deep down a kind and sensitive individual who deserves to be loved.” Whew, that last one was spicy. 

I understand that work in the Hell labor camp has slowed to nearly a halt recently. The large crystal from that particular deposit they were mining has been polished to significantly better clarity, and the workers, as well as Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in the Hell labor camp, have been just sort of watching it. Strange, wondrous things seem to walk by, although they are still somewhat fuzzy. I understand that the moving images are somewhat on a loop, but not exactly. Every three hours and fifty-seven minutes, things seem to return to where they started. We’ve streamed the images to our scientists on the surface. They have indicated that not much of what they’ve seen truly resembles what they know of early Earth. Then again, there is a lot that is unknown about early Earth, except of course that we were there, because Evil is eternal.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted Rhinocerock vs. Hippopotamountain. This is one of those only talked about in legends. It is unclear how these giant creatures were created, but there are many accounts of them duking it out. Both of them were quite sturdy, which was captured in the costuming choices for the reenactment, but Rhineocerock was just that much sturdier. This time, we ended up with gravel all over the audience, which was exciting in how immersive it was, but was less exciting when we had to clean and dress the abrasions. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has finally opened the blocked door in the lobby, revealing the old pinball workshop. The Division of Pinball has taken ownership of the machines. Apparently there are a couple of rare ones, and others that are just difficult to find parts for. I have never seen them so happy. Then again, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen them before.

Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the Matmos, that inky black substance of pure Evil with a mind of its own that lives below the building, have submitted a formal complaint about “the wretch.” Of course, by the wretch, they mean Kimmie, that employee here at Kakos Industries who tends to always stir up trouble. She is down in the caverns below the building along with her once again coworkers from the Division of Dams and Water Management, mixing the separated pools of Matmos back into the main pool. This has caused some ripple effects, no pun intended, in the Matmos affected individuals in our building. The complaint mainly has to do with the frustration over new feelings they’re having as old parts of the Matmos are reincorporated. Apparently they were happy to not have those aspects of the Matmos in their sort of hive mind. It is becoming clear that perhaps parts of the Matmos had been banished for a reason, and reincorporating them has led to some complicated emotions. That being said, Kimmie feels quite strongly that this is healthy in the long run. Clarissa and Hedera didn’t seem to have complaints about the undertaking as a whole, but more just who was doing it. Perhaps they are trying to remain impartial with regards to business dealings. 

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Last time I told you we lost contact with Wynona Grimble and we assumed that she was enduring hazing rituals of some kind as they prepared her for the next level. I am told that we got a small note snuck out of the hazing rituals from her. It reads simply, “I persist. Never been so smooched.”

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Theodorus Laila from  the Division of Break Time. We really needed that break. 

They say that Evil once got a tattoo of your name on its lower back. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we are taking credit for missionary, reverse cowgirl, and all of the positions that haven’t brought the spark back. You might be thinking, Kakos Industries can’t have been responsible for these things in every situation. And you’d be wrong. Stop thinking that. 

Najee has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Najee’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Pigeon. We gave the Wheel of Misery a dramatic spin and it landed on the space for Spiny. Now, we’re not in the habit of just making people spiny. It tends to be a little too obvious, and that draws the wrong kind of attention. For that reason, the individual named Pigeon will have tiny little spines that are uncomfortable to touch, but not too unsightly. For Evil measure, Najee will be 13% smoother, but in a weird way. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere wearing someone else’s hair. Honestly, it’s a lot of hair and we don’t know where it came from. However much hair you’re imagining right now, multiply that by ten. It’s the most covered I’ve ever seen them.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. The scratch and listen sticker will run out of chemical reaction in another ten minutes or so. If you continue to hear anything after the end of these announcements, I would strongly recommend putting whatever has the sticker on it in another room. Nothing positive can come from listening after that. Once again, I would like to thank you for being Kakos Industries shareholders during the last twelve years of my time as CEO. We do what we do because of you, and that means everything. The numbers are next.

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RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, a total eclipse of the spleen.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who fermented all of the extra peppers, preserving them for the future. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has continued working on the second story of their knit castle. The hot tubs have started to fall through to the first floor, but they are making the secret passageways more complicated, which is somehow a benefit. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired an antique telescope that can only show you the places where the Universe is dark. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by threatening the stuffed animal that remains in the hallway.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Ketchup Blast. “You can get a variety of amazing gourmet foods, but they are all blasted with ketchup at the end. 6/11.5”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on Blander Food. Apparently the goal is to remove flavor entirely from the equation.  The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. Currently, they are listening to recordings of ice cracking through a contact microphone. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked one hundred and twenty-four human beings. Humans tend to be able to listen to instructions.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap behind the stuffed animal that remains in the hallway. The Division of Unnecessary Competitions, Directed by Mike A, has organized a competition to see who can make the most universally disgusting sexual innuendo. The Division of Things That Have Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches, directed by Her Foxiness Miss Dr Indigo J S Vulpes XIII, Esq. has put a switch on a rock. Things get weird when the switch is off. The Division of Deeth Divination, directed by Jack Delancey, watched Corin blow his nose fist on the left side, then the right, then the left again. They are expecting sweeping regulations throughout the building. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you, tell all your secrets to a plushy.