in which Corin and Soundman share an awkward moment, the middle Tabitha turns out to be a big nerd, and Luna the Lucky “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: What you are about to hear is audio origami.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. Shareholders, last you heard from me, I was moments away from meeting the sex robot that was created by rogue employees from our Division of Erotic Experiences. They left the division so they could continue work on a sex toy that they believed could unite the entire world in sexual pleasure. Obviously this is a somewhat lofty goal, but as we all know from last time, they were perhaps closer to this goal than we thought possible. They were using some sort of energy wave to transmit feelings of pleasure directly into people’s brains, with permission of course. I do find that permission a bit suspicious because I’m not sure how many people would have explicitly consented to having knee-buckling spasms of enjoyment in front of their coworkers, but I’m just not going to go there. I know that many of you are way freakier than I would guess. Anyway, the machine was outside and it wanted to talk to Soundman and myself. Talk is an approximation. Again, it was hooked up with telepathic abilities that we still don’t firmly understand. When we got outside to speak to it, it was obvious the capabilities of this machine. I could feel this urgency around it. A pressure. A longing. Even passively, it was having this effect on me. I tried to push those sensations away because there was clearly a technology at play here that we had no knowledge of, and it was my duty as CEO to learn as much as I possibly could about that. It started to communicate to us a sense of anxiety. A sense of confusion. A lack of purpose. I inferred that, when we captured all of the machine’s handlers, we took away its guidance. It didn’t know what it was supposed to be doing, and its built up energies were leaking out in ways that it didn’t approve of. It wasn’t asking me for any sort of permission, and all the same I could feel the rising insistence of its waves. It made it clear to us that it couldn’t turn off the build up of energy. It was losing control. It could be turned off, but that would cause a sudden release of all of the built up energy. This would be felt throughout the building unexpectedly. Soundman, always the selfless one, suggested taking the robot into his editing studio where no energy transmissions of any kind can reach. It should work in reverse, and only one person would have to feel the effects. This was a kind offer, but Soundman knows that his unwavering turgor is an iconic symbol of Kakos Industries. Some have even suggested that we change the logo to a chub behind khaki shorts in its honor. That idea didn’t go very far, but it was an idea all the same. No, I knew that I couldn’t let him do this, though the idea about the location was solid. I knew that if I took five minutes, I could find someone on the floors of Kakos Industries willing to take the brunt of all the stored up sexual energy in this machine. Some would even fight for the honor. Some might be willing to go into the editing space as a group to share the brunt of the energy. But I knew that it wasn’t responsible for me to pass this burden on to anyone else. I couldn’t make anyone else clean up the messes of Kakos Industries. The buck stops with me. This company and its many faults are my responsibility. When it comes down to it, I can be a bit selfless myself. Soundman nodded solemnly in understanding and led us to the editing studio, which is a few doors down from the recording studio. I told him to go as far from that place as possible. He of all people should be spared any stray energies that might impact his… stature. This is when the machine poked into our heads again. It had run some calculations and it indicated that just one person wouldn’t be enough. That person would certainly die. But two… that would just barely work. I suggested finding someone from around the building, but Soundman refused. The machine was running out of time. We had to act quickly. And then we took the machine inside. I found its on/off switch pretty quickly. I did some deep breathing to prepare myself. In my training to be CEO, I was taught many things, and a few of those things were actually related to pleasure instead of pain tolerance and combat skills. I knew it would be pointless to fight these feelings. The only way out was through. Soundman did some preparations himself in the form of some squats and breath of fire techniques. I looked at him one last time as we acknowledged the unfortunate duty that we both now shared. I broke eye contact and began to count down. And then I powered down the machine. I don’t remember what happened after that. Whatever it was overloaded my short term memory. Soundman couldn’t remember either. Certainly, there was evidence of what occurred, but I’ll spare you the details. Those of you who want to imagine them have started to do so already, as is your prerogative. What was most concerning was what I didn’t see when I came to, and that was Soundman’s unwavering stiffness. I knew that this could happen, and still I allowed him to sacrifice himself alongside me. I put him on administrative leave, and told him not to come back until he could stand tall and firm once again. He nodded, and then handed me a list of vintage audio gear that would probably do the trick. I later passed it onto the tech team, who started scouring auction sites. I notified another team to come collect the robot, then I started to head back to my apartment where I was due some well-earned rest. On the way, I encountered a Tabitha. Not the clone kind, the other kind. She approached me with the intent of making some kind of sexual advance I assume, but when she got closer, she saw something in my demeanor, or perhaps my gait, or maybe the expression on my face. She recoiled in horror. She screamed. She ran away. I haven’t heard from any of them in weeks. I’m sure you want to know what’s going on with the rogue members of the Division of Erotic Experiences, but we’ll get to that in a minute. Soundman didn’t come back to work for two weeks, which, based on my experience, seemed about right. We had the new gear waiting for him. He was back to his old self. It has been a little awkward for us to make eye contact since then, though.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the bucket you just put on your head. You got a bucket earlier today that said “put me on when the time is right.” And then you put it on when the time was right, and here we are. You might be thinking that it’s a bit awkward and uncomfortable to have a bucket on your head. What will other people think when they pass by you driving with a bucket on your head? This is of no concern to you. We cut eye holes for a reason. Somewhere inside the bucket is the radio receiver. That’s how you’re getting these announcements. Look, it’s really difficult to have high quality audio inside of a reflective plastic surface like a bucket. You’re going to get some weird resonances and some nasty reflections, but we’re not going to concern ourselves with that for now. The speakers aren’t that great anyway. If anyone gives you a hard time for your current fashion choice, tell them to mind their own business, or if you’re feeling a little punchier, tell them they would be wearing one too if they knew what you knew. At any rate, you should be hearing my voice just fine, so we can keep going with the announcements. This bucket comes to us as a collaboration from our Division of Wails and Pails, and our client Paula’s Bulk Earbuds. I don’t think I need to explain this one any further. Remember that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re not a shareholder, then what are you doing with a bucket on your head? Are you some kind of freak? Are you ready to be shunned by society? This is going to ruin your reputation. You better take it off you weirdo. Of course, Kakos Industries shareholders are immune from this ridicule on account of having no reputation left to lose and a loose relationship with society in general. 

Right, so, let’s finish talking about the handlers of the sex machine. We were able to identify all of them. We have every single person missing from the Division of Erotic Experiences in custody, which is amazing. You would think that we would have lost at least one of them in the shuffle, but no, we got everyone. Even a few extra people. It’s possible that they have deputized some other people that did get away, but we’re confident we got all or at least most of the minds behind the operation. We’ve interrogated them, and we were able to get some information out of them with regards to their goals and means. Not much had changed. They wanted to bring an intense level of pleasure to everyone in the world all at once, enough pleasure to end humanity, it seems. They’ve clammed up about everything else. Sometimes we just hear them chanting “we come as one” to keep morale up. We’re going to keep them locked up for a while. We revisited the lab that they were working out of and the machine set up there that they had the sex robot attached to. It appears that this lab was originally created for something else. The infrastructure was already there for amplifying signals throughout the building. Apparently, this lab was created at a focus point in Kakos Industries that allowed it to spread its energy transmissions throughout the building with minimal effort. It has to do with resonances and reflections, much like the ones you’re experiencing in that bucket on your head. We’re looking into the origins of this lab as it was abandoned for some years before we got there. There must have been something it was doing. Maybe it was an earlier experiment into just this sort of thing. 

We recently had the Festival of Innovation. As you may remember, this festival tends to be a time when high-powered, technologically advanced companies come together to prove who’s the biggest and baddest. Usually they do this in a big robot orgy and the rules for competition seem to be a bit vague. Anyway, the theme this year was apparently something to do with unconventional body anatomy. They wanted to design robots that expressed aspects of anatomy that were usually under-represented in mech design. Some of you know where this is going. All of the robots this year were giant feet. There was a variety of feet, showing some different interests in the various design crews. All the same, I don’t think I ever needed to see giant robotic feet fuck, and now I have, and I don’t know what to do about that. There was toe wrestling, some weird foot mounting thing. It was a lot. Even the Throgonus Imports feet, which are not exactly like our feet on account of them being from elsewhere, were getting in on the action in much the same way. There was a winner, I am told. The mech submitted by Theoretical Mototronics was technically the last one still able to move of its own volition. Granted, it just sort of lifted its toes and dragged the rest of the foot around by digging the toes into the ground and pulling it along. Not what I would call a particularly functional robot, but it’s not up to me. 

Coming up, we have the Festival of Self Love. I know that many of you are still somewhat sensitive after the rogue sex robot overwhelmed your sexual capacities a month or so ago, but we are confident you will make a full recovery. All the same, The Division of Dionysia tells me that this festival will be a more private affair. Hopefully that puts your mind at ease. Well, some of you will be disappointed, but many others will be comforted. 

Kakophonia

I found a tape from my grandfather that I found to be interesting and I’d like to share it with you.

CDI: Grace I’ve been looking into why anyone would want me to produce an heir, and as you know, that’s getting dangerously close to questions I shouldn’t ask. Things about me, who I am, what could possibly be worthwhile about my genetics. But that’s just the thing. If it’s dangerous for me to know, isn’t it dangerous for them to know? Doesn’t it seem likely that these people don’t really know either? They can’t ask those questions. They can’t know those things. They can’t go all the way back through the archives to try to find whatever it is they think they’re basing these goals on. How do they know they’re supposed to get anything from me? And that’s when I had the thought. Do you suppose, Grace, that maybe one group of people started to think this way for no reason at all. Maybe a crazy reason. Maybe they just thought it was fun. And then the other groups just is-oughted their way into a tradition of trying to get at my sperm? Maybe they just think they need to and that’s why they’re all doing it. They’re having some sort of fear of missing out. That can’t be true, right? It can’t be that stupid. It can’t be that they just got a wild thought one day and decided that they should try to convince me by whatever means necessary to produce an heir and then forgot that they just made it up? I haven’t heard anyone ever cite one piece of archival material. I’ve never even heard anyone say what their goals were. They want an heir. The heir will be helpful for… something? But then there’s the board. They should know, right? I mean, you want to think that people who are in charge of things know what they’re doing, but we both know that’s not always the case.They could just be making it all up. It makes sense within a cultural paradigm where we expect the children of successful people to also be successful. That’s a mistake we’ve been making as humanity for probably thousands of years. There has to be a reason, right? There has to be a reason why. I’ve tasked two researchers with looking into this and both of them have gone missing. One of them was reported to have walked into the Sinking Bogs, unresponsive to onlookers’ warnings. If I actually knew why anyone wants this, maybe I would be on board, you know? Ah yes, an heir to fulfill the thing with the thingies and then bring about an era of dominant Evil. But I don’t have that. And I’m really starting to believe it’s because it doesn’t exist. There’s no reason. 

CDIII: So there’s some interesting claims in that tape. My grandfather didn’t believe that there was any reason why anyone wanted to produce an heir with him. There are a lot of things that happen around Kakos Industries where we just sort of assume the person doing them knows what they’re doing, but so many things get passed down by word of mouth and insinuation that we can’t actually be sure of that. And trying to look into where these things come from is difficult. You can know things here at Kakos Industries, but if you know too many, then you’re in the realm of mind hazards. You might remember Violet running afoul of these. She wanted to read the whole archive, and getting only a few letters into the alphabetical ordering nearly killed her. There are realizations you don’t want to have. There are connections you don’t want to make. But what happens when those things you don’t want to know are guiding your everyday life? I have some things to think about there, but thinking too hard might be a problem. 

I got a text from the middle Tabitha a few days after I dealt with the sex robot. It said, “Heard you’re pretty drained. Wanna hang?” I think she was implying that I could feel safe that she wasn’t after anything because, well, I couldn’t help her out there if I tried. She suggested that we do something different. She told me not to wear a suit. When I met up with her, she was wearing the kind of clothes I assume she might have worn in high school. Well, her specifically and not the older Tabithas. If she went to high school. Did she go to high school? That’s a question for another time. The look was nostalgic and maybe a bit anachronistic, but she was having fun. We ended up in a barcade. She never actually ordered a drink, though. Then she led me to the purpose of this date. The game was called Ultimate Bop Skirmish 3, and apparently it is two player only. It was also brand new. I didn’t realize that she was such a big fan of arcade games, especially in the era of nearly infinite gaming opportunities at home, but she was completely immersed. Tokens were not an issue. At first I thought she had brought them with her, but eventually I caught one of the staff occasionally dropping more tokens into the cup beside her. The game was 48 levels long, and by the end of it, I felt like I was really getting the hang of its rhythms and loops. She was understandably much better at it than me. Once we had completed the game and shared a triumphant high five, I asked her why she brought me for this. She could have picked anyone else. I’m sure she has other friends. She said she wanted to see me in a different environment. She wanted to shake things up. She also told me that she had to bring a male companion to the arcade or the guy at the prize counter would give her too much attention. She said that he’s an old friend of the owner, and he’ll never get fired. I feel like I’ve heard a number of stories like this before so it made sense. Well, it did until I realized that she was the owner. Or at least one of her is. We split some chicken tenders and then went our separate ways. Overall, it was a fun outing. At the time I was confused about what was so interesting for her about Ultimate Bop Skirmish 3, but there is a part of me now that is anxiously awaiting Bop Skirmish 4.

Strange things have continued to happen with regard to the Matmos, that inky black substance that lives under and around the Kakos Industries building. Ordinarily, we have people wearing a variety of cloaks around the building. These are the most devout adherents to the Matmos and its many pools and factions. The color of the cloak tends to inform us what faction the people belong to. The black cloaks belong to the main Matmos pool, while the various colors belong to several other pools. The other pools tend to be smaller, and our best evidence seems to suggest that smaller pools don’t have the same thinking capacity and are more likely to develop… peculiarities. These peculiarities then make life harder for their adherents. Like, sometimes they starve to death because the smaller pools can’t understand what human physiology needs. Anyway, it seems that individually colored cloaks are becoming a thing of the past. Now, the cloaks are kind of a tie-dye situation, with various colors all over them. The people in these cloaks are behaving more strangely than usual as well, but it’s difficult to describe exactly how. They seem to be more energetic than usual. They seem kind of high. I accidentally stumbled into a heated discussion between Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the main Matmos pool, and one of the other multi-colored hooded figures. They were basically screaming at this person. They clammed up as soon as I appeared. I asked what was going on, and all they would say was “family business”.

Last we heard regarding the Donut,that other unusual, slow-moving life form, one of the handlers had eaten the wrong sort of pastry around it, it took offense, and clammed up. I am told that they have been making progress with bringing the donut back on their side by eating pastries shaped like humans near it.

It’s time for today’s Q&A Segment, where we answer one of your questions. Today’s question is: Does Kakos compost? The answer is yes, but maybe not for the reasons you might expect. The short answer is that we produce a lot of compostable waste, whether that’s from employee garbage, waste from our restaurants and cafeterias, or just failed experiments. We produce so much of this that we can’t actually truck it away to landfills. The board has suggested using one of the lawns around the building as a landfill, but this is routinely shot down because the smell would be kind of a problem. So anything we can compost we typically do. The first step is to put everything into a bioreactor in one of the basements where decomposition can create heat and combustible gasses. Then there is a treatment process using specialized worms. Then it’s brought back up to the surface where the remaining nutrient rich products can be used in agricultural spaces or in experiments. We are currently looking into ways to crush up bones before that final step because some of the farmers find it disconcerting to have humanoid skulls turn up in their soil. 

The Division of Erotic Experiences has been too quiet recently. Either they are trying to avoid being associated with their rogue members that we took into custody, or they are hiding something else. The idea that they’ve just had their noses down getting work done is unthinkable. 

The researchers in our Hell labor camp have started to expose more of the glowing structure down there. I will reiterate that this is painstaking work because they can’t ingest any of the dust from the glowing rocks or they might be tripping balls for the next month. I am told that they have discovered some teeth-like shapes in the fossil that left behind the glowing stones. We are unsure if this means that the thing that left behind the fossil ate things. We’re really not sure what kind of life this thing is. We don’t know if it’s an animal or something else. We will have to wait for more updates.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted The Freaky Freak vs. the Weirdest Weirdo. Originally, these two monsters were created with the intention of discovering what the strangest creatures could be. When the laboratories that were working on them couldn’t agree who had been the most successful, they instigated a fight between the monsters. It was only while they both lay dying that they realized that it was the scientists who were their enemies and not each other. The recreation dramatized this moment with such realism that there was hardly a dry eye in the audience. 

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has found a key that unlocks the sadness in the hearts of humanity. Anyone who holds it starts to bawl. I’m not sure that counts as a lock. There might be something else weird going on with that key.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Wynona Grimbal has been steadily rising in the ranks of The MIss Belle of the Ball Pageant, a beauty pageant and fight club secret society. I recently had the chance to ask her what happens after the fights. I was assuming there would be planning for nefarious doings, and whatnot. The usual secret society stuff. Grimbal just kind of looked at me with a confused expression on her face like it should be obvious. “We kiss and stuff,” she said. Of course. Why would I have thought anything else? I know that this secret society must be up to other things, but perhaps Wynona Grimbal hasn’t been inducted into those ranks yet. 

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Sela Pascal from The Division of Fewer Divisions. They recently combined the divisions of off-roading and driving off-road. It was really an accident that we allowed both to exist. Typically, it’s too much work to find out if a division exists already. Usually we just assume that it does. But if you need to get something done and you don’t know what division to ask, sometimes you make a redundant one. It’s always a big help when this redundancy gets resolved. Thank you Sela Pascal.

They say that Evil once conquered the land, only to burn it to the ground. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we are taking credit for the things you wish you knew, the things you don’t know you need to know, and the things you wish you didn’t know. Naturally, we can’t know for sure that we are responsible for these things. But we are. You should believe that. It’s important for your health. And the things you might need to know in the future.

Luna the Lucky has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Luna the Lucky’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Dave. We gave the Wheel of Misery a casual spin and it landed on the space for Translucent. It’s not uncommon for people around Kakos Industries to go so long without seeing the sun that they turn Translucent, but this isn’t that. Dave will be much more translucent, and no amount of sun exposure is going to solve it. For Evil measure, Luna the Lucky will be significantly more opaque, which is disturbing in its own kind of way. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere wearing plastic bits. This is one of the least expensive outfits they’ve worn, and we’ve discussed before that the layer of crust punk funk they’ve got on them helps things like plastic bits to stick really easily to their bodies. That being said, they’re leaving a trail, and the janitorial staff isn’t happy about it.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. We will continue to look into what’s going on with the rogue Division of Erotic Experiences employees and everything else that is going on. You can take the bucket off your head in a minute. Don’t be surprised if you no longer know how to live without a bucket on your head. Don’t be surprised if you can no longer imagine your life without a bucket on your head. Don’t be alarmed if you miss the bucket being on your head. There may have been unexpected benefits, like a strange feeling of safety. All the same, it has to come off, and it must be destroyed. The numbers are next.

211

311

411

511

611

711

811

944

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, a force of motherfucking nature.

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CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who understood well enough to explain it to the rest of us.. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has decided that they are done being zen and have decided instead to knit a dark and foreboding castle. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a metal lunchbox that will cut the shit out of you if you aren’t looking. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by playing soothing music with occasional jumpscares, keeping everyone on their toes.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Garlic on 12. “It is difficult to imagine there being any more garlic than this. 12/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on Edible Paint. Dinner isn’t served until you can accurately create Starry Night with mashed potatoes.  The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They are currently listening to heavily distorted armpit farts. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked four elephants on the back of a turtle. Things did not go so well for the turtle. The Division of Things That Have Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches, directed by Her Foxiness Miss Dr Indigo J S Vulpes XIII, Esq. has put a switch on a famous sculpture. When the switch is off, all of your art opinions are wrong.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap in the middle of Hallway 97-2A. Apparently there’s a subtle curvature to the floor that keeps people from ever walking on this one section of the flooring, making it totally safe to nap there.. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you, Maybe listen to an ambient record.