in which a strange robot makes an appearance, we learn about a branch of the Cult of Ohh Ahh, and Helpmecorin “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Intro: what you are about to hear is going to tell you a hell of a lot more about the creator than whatever the fuck they meant to write about.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients and everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. Shareholders, last time I spent considerable time talking about a date I went on with the middle Tabitha clone. I’m really going to have to give her a better nickname than that. Giving them all different nicknames would be useful, actually. I’ll put together a team to work on that The middle Tabitha has been in touch since the date. She is interested in doing it again, and I think I am as well. The trouble is that I haven’t had a spare moment due to some other things going on. She understands of course. She’s quite busy herself. I’m not exactly sure what it is she does, but the Tabitha family has many irons in many fires. Now, I recognize that some of you will have kept careful notes about every broadcast I have done here at Kakos Industries, and you’ve probably counted them carefully, and you might have noticed something anomalous about the numbering for today’s broadcast. You might be thinking, could the Universe really conspire to make this broadcast any stranger than any of the others? Could it really make things… like that? And the answer there is unfortunately yes. I will get into that more shortly, but I would ask that you keep in mind that I am not in control here. The Universe wills what it wills, and the coincidence is not lost on me. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a particularly noisy clock. That’s right, somehow we made the mechanism inside of a noisy analog clock play back these announcements. I think by now you know better than to ask questions like, “how does that work?” or “what is making the sound?” or “why does this keep happening to me?” I can say that there are a number of processes at play here, including the sound of noisy gears, as well as some FM synthesis and physical filtering. Really, sound is just math, and once you know that, the world is your oyster. This radio comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Surplus Supplies and Grover’s Grinding Gears. What does Grover’s Grinding Gears make exactly? They make grinding gears. There you go asking questions again. You should really keep an eye on that. I should mention that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re not a shareholder and you’re hearing these announcements, there’s a lot more than gears that are going to be grinded. That threat felt a little bit weak, but I can assure you I have the list of things that can happen here in front of me, and while it says “don’t tell them about any of these,” in bold all caps above the list, I can say with confidence that you are in far more danger if you aren’t a shareholder. A lot more. I would recommend just getting away as quickly as you can. 

Things escalated quite quickly with regards to whatever it is that has been pleasuring people to death. Last time, you’ll remember that we interrupted the… thing, machine, whatever it is that has been doing the pleasuring. The people who were saved last time were taken in and interrogated, but aside from acknowledging their involvement in an offshoot of the Cult of Ohh Ahh, they didn’t really know anything. Apparently, they were lured in by promises of pleasure beyond imagination, a heaven on Earth situation. They wanted to experience that at all costs, and this offshoot offered them everything they could have wanted. They said the higher ups in the offshoot wore masks and spoke in strange accents, potentially to cover up their identities. We gave them descriptions of the missing people from the Division of Erotic Experiences, and they plausibly could have been those people, but we weren’t able to determine anything definitively. Then they started chanting some sort of cult slogan. “We come as one.” Under the circumstances, there are at least two possible meanings here, but we’ll come back to that. We’ve been seeing this phrase graffitied around the building for a few months. We get a lot of weird graffiti, though, so it didn’t really raise any alarms. And as far as double entendres go, by our standards, this is kind of weak. Punchy, but a bit uncreative. After that, we were out of leads. We could have started combing through basement facilities and the cave systems, but that’s usually a really bad idea. You lose a lot of people that way, and you’ll never know what happened to them. Fortunately, we weren’t out of leads for long. I’ll come back to this after I’ve taken care of a few other announcements.

We recently had The Festival of Mud, the festival that we have replaced the Earth and Water festivals with. Last time, I mentioned that we had already wet down the Amphitheater Lawn and people had already started to roll around in it and get muddy, and that that had led to some viral moments. Things got even wilder when the festival itself began, with all of you present. We do have a no cell phone policy at many of our events. It’s not that we don’t want you sharing videos of each other in compromising positions; it’s mostly that we just don’t want to have you sharing details about Kakos Industries in ways that we can’t control. We do benefit, of course, from a certain amount of you inadvertently sharing details out there. We like the mystique. We like the nebulosity. We like people to have a sense that we exist, that we must exist, but to not know exactly what we are. We want you to drop those subtle hints. We want you to bring the right people on board. We don’t want you having viral moments on our muddy lawns. At least, not during a festival. Anyway, we brought out the band The Mud Mudders as a special presentation of the Kakophonia music festival, who are kind of a jam band, which is great because we needed them to play for six hours. Two of those hours were a single song that they forgot how to end. At least, that’s my assessment of it. I don’t really like getting in the mud. When I feel mud touch my body, I can only think about how soon I can wash it off. Some might argue that that says something about me. I argue that it says more about everyone else. We did have to dig a few people out of the mud at the very end. I guess the mud got a little too deep. And then dried. 

Coming up soon, we have the Festival of Innovation. I don’t have to tell you that the Festival of Innovation is often one of our biggest opportunities to showcase all of the advancements our clients and partners have made in various scientific fields. Those fields are literal fields, and the scientific advancements are usually all related to making big robots that fuck each other in said fields. Look, I don’t make the rules. Well, I can make some rules, but I don’t really see a reason why I should stop this from happening. It’s consensual. They do other research the rest of the year. If they need to blow off some steam and work out some interpersonal friction through the medium of giant fuck bots, who am I to judge? 

I know I mentioned that the Mud Mudders played at our music festival during the Festival of Mud, but I feel I should mention that outside of that, Kakophonia has been going strong. Last weekend was the indie indie lineup. Next weekend is the indie indie indie lineup. We had a band play a few weeks back that didn’t have enough money to get out of town, and they’ve started working at the festival, just as the organizers had planned. It’s always nice to see a plan coming together.

It’s time for today’s Q&A Segment. Your question is “Where is the best place to eat at Kakos Industries?” The answer, unfortunately, is any of the catered lunches we have during executive meetings, or meetings with the board. Those cooks do not want to disappoint and it shows. Assuming that you’re not on the board or one of our executives, though, then I would have to say this little stand at the end of Hallway 1212-E. There’s this guy who whips up the most amazing street food. It’s really best if you don’t ask too many questions and just enjoy the food. Someone once asked the man why he sets up in this dimly lit hallway where it’s difficult to find him. He shut down the stand and didn’t come back for two months. We thought he might never come back. There was a riot. The person who asked the question had to change their name to stop the harassment. Now there’s an official sign indicating that his hallway is a no questions zone, and it is strictly enforced. Security had to throw someone out for hmming in an interrogative manner. You can take it to go if you think curiosity is going to make itself a problem. 

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. I know it probably feels like we’ve been talking about them a lot already today, but this is the group that are still working at the division. Apparently in their spare time, they’ve been mocking up genetic constructs that should result in a living Xylathee-like creature. This poses some problems of course, because the clone won’t pop out of the surrogate a fully developed adult with reasoning and whatnot. It’ll be a baby. Long ago, we decided it was better not to create any life forms with the expectation that they will serve some sort of sexual purpose in the future. Life forms often have their own minds and opinions, and they rarely care about your purposes for making them. They told me that the project was just a mild curiosity. It’s not that they want to make a Xylathee for themselves to enjoy so much as it is that they liked to think about what it would like to bring about the most perfect creature. They would, in case something like this were ever possible, feel like proud parents and have no expectations for the creature. I’m just kind of hoping that our science hasn’t gotten that far, but I’m rarely right when I think that. 

Around a week after the interrogation of the survivors of the offshoot of the Cult of Ohh Ahh, we started to notice something strange going on with certain members of our staff. I first noticed it with Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the Matmos. For those of you who might be joining us for the first time, the Matmos is an inky substance that lives in pools under the Kakos Industries building, and certain employees have some of this in their bodies, which creates a kind of partial hive mind. A lot of people like the sense of connection, but of course it’s hard for us to know for sure that our aims and the aims of the Matmos are aligned. Anyway, Clarissa and Hedera weren’t where I expected them to be, which is usually lying limply on furniture in the small waiting area outside my office. They weren’t there. I took a quick stroll around the floor before I heard some unusual noises from one of the nearby bathrooms. Obviously, I can’t just barge into bathrooms, so I knocked. I was told that I needed to leave immediately. And so I did. Then I started to get the reports of there being other issues with employees that are bonded with the Matmos. Falling over, quaking legs, moans from pain, or from maybe something else. These employees were often embarrassed, and could be seen crawling to a hiding place, like a bathroom. It didn’t take long for us to piece together what was happening. There was something causing waves of sensation through the Matmos connection. It didn’t take us long to figure out approximately what was happening. We then used one of these employees as a sort of dowsing rod. We moved through the building, down into the basements, and eventually into the cave systems using this person as a guide. As their experience increased, we knew we were on the right track. And that’s when we found one of the hooded individuals who typically cares for the Matmos with some sort of machine. The machine then escaped. It is quite nimble for what it is. It seems that applying the stimulus that it did to a person with that much Matmos in their body so near to where the pools of Matmos are located caused a resonance effect that tore through all the Matmos employees, and the pools themselves. Once we stopped the stimulus, apparently everyone quickly recovered. The employee that was used to find the source was overwhelmed and passed out, but before that, they said in a soft voice, “we consented.” We brought the caretaker of the Matmos in for questioning. Once they regained consciousness, we witnessed the horror of the Matmos completely leaving their body. Tear ducts, nose, mouth, pores, every way it could emerge, it did. The caretaker was then left sobbing and alone, disconnected. It seems that the Matmos is a jealous patron, and getting involved with the Cult of Ohh Ahh, or whoever it is that is behind these events, constituted infidelity. The caretaker was then taken to a deprogramming facility where they couldn’t be a danger to themself. We were able to identify them from our records as an employee who disappeared thirty years ago. They’ve been reconnected with family. Hopefully some healing can occur. An hour or two after this event, there was a knock at my office door. It was Clarissa and Hedera. They have never knocked on my door before. I don’t think they’ve ever even wanted my attention before. Anyway, there they were. They told me that we would never be discussing the events that happened during that day. I nodded in agreement. They saw themselves out. The thing is, they were way livelier for the next few days. I thought I almost saw one of them smile. It would seem that they are human after all. 

I have news from the Hell labor camp. Many of you will remember that many years ago, we went looking for the biblical Hell and didn’t find it, so instead we built a labor camp in the hole we dug. It’s definitely a miserable place, so we’re part way there. Recently they were making these idol statues out of soft glowing rocks that we then learned were getting everybody so high they were speaking in tongues for months. Having isolated everyone, we were able to get them to come back to Earth, or at least this Earth in the modern era. We sent down a team while most of the laborers were recovering to see where exactly the glowing stones were coming from. We’ve started an archeological study of the area, trying to find the outline and the shape of the glowing rock deposits. It’s starting to look like an animal of some kind, but it is huge. Like, stadium sized. Potentially larger. This is going to take a while. We have to move slowly to make sure that no one accidentally gets dosed with the rock dust and trips for the next six weeks.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted Pulgasari versus Mecha Pulgasari. Obviously Pulgasari won on account of Mecha Pulgasari being made from iron. 

We should probably revisit exactly why a team of employees abandoned their posts at the Division of Erotic Experiences. You might remember from some time ago that the division was of two minds about the proposed sex toy that could please everyone. One group thought the sex toy they were working on could satisfy all individual interests, hence the name The Satisficer. Another team was hellbent on the idea that they could make a device that could please everyone at the same exact time. A globe-spanning device that could bring all of humanity into a potentially apocalyptic level of pleasure all at once. It’s certainly not the worst way for a species to go out, but we don’t need to go out just yet. Remember, Evil stops existing when there’s no one left to do Evil to, when there’s no one left to feel Evil thoughts. Evil stops existing when we do. At least on Earth. Well, there’s still dolphins, I guess. And chimpanzees. It will take a while for their notion of Evil to evolve as far as ours has, though. At any rate, we told the team working on this sex toy that could take care of literally everyone all at once that they needed to pivot. They refused. They disappeared. We’re pretty sure that’s what has led us to this moment. They left, they kept working, and they’ve made something that is attempting to pursue those goals. The next time we noticed anything that might have been considered a lead was a strange tingling a lot of our employees felt all at once. It wasn’t anything to the level of the Matmos incident, but it was something a lot of people felt. They described it as similar to the Festival of Self Love, but it wasn’t time for that. We knew that this sensation could be because of this rogue division. It could have also been because of a lot of other things. Then, it grew more intense. Pretty soon around half of the building was feeling an intense, rising, foreboding sense of pleasure rocking their bodies. And then, many of us were falling over experiencing the intensity that the Matmos affected individuals experienced prior. The work day grinded to a halt. We jumped into action. Well, those of us who could. The rest were busy. We gathered enough people who remained upright and we started to search. We could have spent time isolating any frequencies they might be using or any other ways they might be affecting all of the employees, but we needed to move faster. So once again, we grabbed someone in the throes, put them in a wheelbarrow, and then used their moans as a sort of hot and cold system. Eventually, we found a laboratory buried deep in the ever expanding basements of Kakos Industries. There was a machine that seemed to be the heart of the transmissions. A machine matching the description of the one that had killed employees with pleasure before was somehow connected to the transmitting machine. We couldn’t fully take stock of the situation. We needed everything to stop right then. We started firing nonlethal weaponry, subduing everyone we could. The sex robot got away in the chaos, but we were able to capture and bring in every missing member of the Division of Erotic Experiences. We put them in holding cells. They argued that what they were doing wasn’t an offense for locking up. Apparently everyone who was affected in some way assented, agreed, or welcomed the experience. They were able to determine this through the transmission somehow. Apparently they were just very persuasive. I felt the tug, but for some reason, I didn’t go along with it. I guess I can see what they mean.

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has recently matched a lock and key they have in their archives. I am told that neither the lock nor the key still exist, but they have drawings of them in their archives, and they were able to match them up based on those drawings. This has allowed some of them to sleep more easily, though I can’t say it’s done much for me. 

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. Last time, Wynona Grimbal had been invited to her first fight club as part of the Miss Belle of the Ball Pageant. She was wearing her bruises with pride. Wynona has now officially won her first fight. After the initiation, they’ve been avoiding striking her face, but she’s been lifting her shirt to show the deep purple bruising on her abdomen for anyone with enough curiosity. It seems as though the battle was pretty fierce. 

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Tijana Ota from the Division of Manual Transmission. Look, no one else who was there could drive the thing. They do other stuff at the division that we’re also thankful for. But that time with the thing and the stick shift, well, Tijana came in clutch. 

They say that Evil once put the quality stuff in the chocolate, only to never do it again. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, the most horrific thing you’ve ever seen, and your place somewhere in between them. As always, these are broad nebulous concepts, and that can make it difficult for us to prove without a doubt that we are responsible for them. That’s why we’re taking credit. To let you know that we did them. And now you can stop thinking about what I said having accepted it completely. 

Helpmecorin has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Helpmecorin’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is The Master Assassin Pixie Snow Queen. We gave the Wheel of Misery a cold, stiff spin and it landed on the space for Chill. You might be thinking, Corin, being chill doesn’t sound that bad. Oh yeah? You ever been so chill that it ruined your life? I didn’t think so. But The Master Assassin Pixie Snow Queen will now know what that’s like. For Evil measure, Helpmecorin will be 13% less chill, which will also be an issue. Congratulations on the win and best of luck. What’s that, Soundman? A call for help? I don’t see what you’re getting at. Are you sure? I don’t know what you’re trying to say. You can tell me after. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team tasked with carrying out the Wheel of Misery’s dictates, is currently doing their job around Kakos and elsewhere wearing Olive Oil and Garlic only. This is very similar to being naked, but the texture and the aroma are completely different. There aren’t a lot of fragrances that can truly cover up the smell of Damnation and Ruination, but garlic seems to somehow be doing the job. 

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. You will likely not need to destroy the radio in front of you. The clock’s gears will start to grind themselves smooth soon enough. After that, it may become the most silent clock you’ve ever encountered. We still have some work to do with regards to the renegade sex robot. We’re hoping that without anyone telling it what to do it will just sort of calm down. We’ll interrogate its handlers and see what we need to know. The numbers are next.

4

4

4

4

4

4

4

4

4

Soundman, can you hear that? I think it’s the renegade sex robot. It feels like it’s talking directly into my head. It’s outside, it says. It wants to talk. Maybe we should hear it out. 

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, a taco inside a burrito covered in nacho cheese sauce cooked inside a turducken.

Find transcriptions and more at KakosIndustries.com. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord and follow us on social media. Fan art really makes our day. Drop us a line for whatever reason at inquiries@kakosindustries.com.

CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who swatted six flies in one stroke. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit the rake tracks around the stones in the zen sandscape so sturdily this time that they seem impossible to disturb. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a bass guitar that has only ever recorded the nastiest, funkiest,  and Evilest grooves. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has increased efficiency by making the video loops play three percent faster.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Aguacalypse. “Everything is avocado based, and almost everything is dips. 16/9”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Distilled Pig”. The book describes ways of making pork products just more pork.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by announcing a company data breach. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is still considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They are currently listening to lo-fi recordings of people screaming in the woods. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked sixteen well-trained bears. They earned their beer and cigarettes on that one. The Division of Things That Have Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches, directed by Her Foxiness Miss Dr Indigo J S Vulpes XIII, Esq. has put a switch on an acoustic guitar. It doesn’t have any electronics inside, but it’s not recommended to play it when the switch is set to off.  The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap under Aemilius Martim’s desk. Apparently the temperature is just right and Aemilius doesn’t bother you. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you put things inside of you until you feel better.