in which you are apparently seeing things, the staff make conversation with the Matmos, Kimmie gets elevated with the Matmos Twins, and Señor Franco “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Ryan: What you are about to hear has nearly lost that youthful glow.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients and everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO. 

Shareholders, it has been brought to my attention that some of you are now claiming to be able to see your announcements. You are claiming to be able to see me reading these announcements. I have to tell you that there is no camera in the room with me right now. I am not reading from some sort of teleprompter. There are no visuals that we have intended for you to see. It’s just me and Soundman Steven, in the studio. There is a lot of audio equipment, like just an egregious amount of audio equipment, but nothing capable of capturing or broadcasting video, at least not in the traditional sense. Now, that doesn’t strictly mean that you aren’t seeing anything. Most of us have this thing called the mind’s eye that allows us to visualize things the way that we might like to see them. It allows us to paint pictures in our heads of all of the things we’re hearing. But those things you are imagining are not intended by us. That being said, quite a few of you have reported seeing eerily similar things. I cannot say that they are particularly close to what it looks like in the studio right now, but the images you’ve seen are similar enough to one another to give us pause. We may need to do some more research into this, but for now, all I will say is that these images are not exactly what is happening. If you are imagining me waving my arms about, I am not doing that. If you are imagining me making strange faces, I am not. If you are imagining me smoldering with raw sex appeal, well… You’ve got me dead to rights on that one. Just remember, if there is anything strange about what you are seeing, then it is possible that some or all of that experience is hallucinatory. You may not be able to trust your eyes on this matter. If things get a bit trippy, then that is to be expected. Don’t be upset with us if what you’re seeing doesn’t line up with what you know to be true, or what you have always imagined to be true. What you are seeing isn’t real. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a small air filter you’ve set up in the corner of your space. It is spring in the northern hemisphere and that means pollen. Plants are so inconsiderate when it comes to including unwilling parties in their reproductive acts, but really the only thing we can do is try to filter their nonsense from the air as well as we can. But sometimes after you turned on this lovely air purifier, you started to hear these announcements, and that is on purpose. While it may be somewhat difficult to hear me clearly over the fan noise, somehow, you just can. 

This radio comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Get It Out of the Air, and Filtresque, the number one Evil filter company. We are told that this air filter is extremely effective at removing unwanted particulate matter in the air, and also unwanted noises from broadcasts. The way that you are able to hear me has something to do with the fan motor, and frequency modulation, but honestly, the science is a little above my head. It’s probably above everyone’s heads. It’s probably some sort of strange phenomena that we discovered and have not truly figured out how to explain. All the same, you hear me, and that’s what’s important. 

I should mention that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you do not know if you are a Kakos Industries shareholder, then do not be alarmed. You probably are. There is some Evil inside of you no doubt, and it has almost certainly made its way out into the world. You have almost certainly made someone’s day that much more frustrating at some point. Though I will say that if you are not a shareholder, then this air filter emits a chemical that is harmful only to those who are not Evil enough, and it may start to cause you serious problems in short order. The best way to overcome these negative effects is to become as Evil as you can as quickly as you can. A few suggestions are that you can scream obscenities out of your windows. You can yell at your pet for no reason at all. I am told that having sexual thoughts about colleagues and coworkers also counts, though we’re not sure exactly how Evil that is. It might be enough to save you, though. I would hurry, in any case.

Last time we continued a segment where we allowed you, the shareholders, to submit questions to us about the business. This time, all but one of the questions were about Mr. Sniffs, our Chief Compliance Officer, who also happens to be a golden retriever, or perhaps a golden retriever mix. People asked if he was an Evil boy. Yes, yes he is an Evil boy. People asked if he wanted a treat. It turns out that yes, he did in fact want a treat. We had to cut him off at a certain point, though, or it would have begun negatively impacting his health. People asked if he likes belly scritches. I have to tell you, shareholders, that it is only in very rare circumstances that I will scritch the belly of one of my coworkers, but the answer here also seems to be yes. I don’t love the idea of one of the C-level staff running up to me, rubbing both directions across my legs, and then rolling on their back expectantly, but this is now the world that I live in. I checked with HR about this behavior, and they assured me that Mr. Sniffs is actually a dog, and it is okay to rub his belly. They also handed me a list of employees who had also given permission to have their bellies rubbed. These are human beings. I’m not going to rub their bellies. This has caused some frustration, understandably or not, but I’m not going to change my mind. You know what they say: Kink isn’t therapy. And it’s also not a viable management strategy. 

The other question that people asked was “Why can I see you?” You can’t. You just think you can. The difference between those two things is sometimes smaller than we would like, but the distinction is necessary. You aren’t actually seeing anything.

Shareholders, I am excited to tell you that our research into the Matmos and communication with it has advanced. For those of you who may have only become Evil moments ago by yelling obscenities from your window, the Matmos is that inky black substance that has always existed around Kakos Industries but has only recently been causing us problems. It gets into people and gives them certain hivemind-like abilities. It’s also supposed to make sex more intense, but the negatives far outweigh the positives. Please keep it out of you, at least until we can reconcile some of these more serious issues. Last time I described a crystalline form of the Matmos that we have been able to electrically excite and allow some individuals to connect with… something. 

Well, we have created a new system that removes human contact from the equation and allows us to send and receive messages using analog audio signals sent directly into the crystal. So far, these messages have been fairly simple, but I am told the results are exciting. I have the first message here. We asked the Matmos what it is. The answer we got back is… Goop. The Matmos has described itself as goop. I am told that our scientists are formulating the second question right now, and we should have the results shortly. They say that they don’t want to overwhelm the Matmos or break the connection, so they’re being as targeted as they can with these questions. This is definitely exciting. 

We recently had the Celebration of Affirmation. You were Evil. You are Evil. Everything you do is for the betterment of Evil. 

We also had the Festival of Cold. I am told that we have actually had a Festival of Cold before, but this one was different. We turned the air conditioning to max inside of the basement ballroom and turned it into a mini winter wonderland. There was a snowball fight, and one person was elected by the rest of the people at the celebration to be frozen for posterity. We may someday be able to wake this person up from their icy slumber, and that will be really cool if not scientifically significant. 

We also had the Big Black Hole Celebration. Our explorers deep inside of this whole in what appears to be physics itself have not been able to report back for a while. It is possible that the end point of the hole is now somewhere far away from Earth. We are unsure. Things are constantly changing with this hole. We did the usual, we stood around it and we hummed and we appreciated its dark, literally unfathomable depths. We brought that darkness into ourselves, and we used that darkness to move us forward and advance our pursuit of Evil.

The Darkest Universe Festival is coming up. This is a time of year when we allow ourselves to wish for things to get even darker, so that we might be the darkest Universe. Now, there are undoubtedly Universes out there that have material advantages in terms of being the darkest Universe. They might have an actual Hell, for example. And there might be an inexplicable funnel just pouring innocent humans down into that literal, magical Hell to begin suffering forever. There are no inexplicable funnels just dropping human beings into an inferno here in our Universe, or at least not in the part that we have explored. There is no literal, biblical Hell. There’s our labor camp that we have called Hell, but no actual Hell. All I’m saying is when you get down to it, there are some Universes, according to infinite mathematics, that don’t have to worry about the balances we do. They can have endless suffering with almost no effort, and also no consequences. They can’t almost end Evil by ending everything in the pursuit of Evil. They have an infinite fountain of innocent lives to torment. Possibly. Then again, it is worth us doing the best we can with what we have, and making things that much darker in our own small ways. 

The Nudity Festival is also quickly approaching. We cannot tell you exactly what it is yet, but you will be naked for it. It probably won’t be embarrassing. I can’t actually guarantee that, though. Prepare yourselves.

I have just gotten word from our scientists that they were able to get a second message to and from the Matmos. They asked the Matmos where it is. It said, “I don’t know man, it’s pretty dark.” Well, I can’t say that’s all that enlightening. 

We do have some other Matmos science updates. Last time I mentioned that we are hoping to improve our capabilities to remove Matmos from affected individuals Fiona Graham, one of the former employees who ended up being one of the green cloaked people has been a priority for us to de-matmos. She has a husband who would like her back in his life. For the most part with people under the influence of the Matmos, we can’t find anyone that actually knows them, or any living relatives to want them back. 

But with Fiona, the situation is slightly different. We’ve been using various compounds extracted from ginger plants that the Matmos seems to strongly dislike. That gets us part of the way. With the help of these chemicals we were able to dramatically reduce the influence of the Matmos on Fiona, and we were able to talk to her in a more rational capacity. We told her that her husband has been looking for her. With an inflection I would not describe as longing, she said “Oh, well, isn’t he sweet.” There is clearly more at work here than we are qualified to deal with. These two may have some issues to work out on their own time. 

The Division of Erotic Experiences has some interesting updates on the Satisficer. This is the sex toy they’re developing that will supposedly do everything for everyone. Last time we found that the device, while effective, was particularly only desirable for those wishing to yield control. For others with a more active disposition, it is less appealing. I understand that their answer to this problem is to print faces of submissive looking people on the device. This is an optional skin. Apparently it makes it feel less like you are yielding to an unstoppable force of sexual release, and more like you are permitting an unstoppable force of sexual release to take care of you, because that is its station in life. It is unclear how this perceptual change has been working out. This may be the eggs-in-the-baking-mix that they needed, though. 

Kimmie has been spending time with Clarissa and Hedera. If you don’t know, Kimmie is… sort of a live-in friend? 

I mean, she doesn’t live with me. 

She lives somewhere else, I guess. 

She does stay over a lot, though. 

We’re close.

 I always kind of thought we had a thing of convenience going on, and she would eventually prefer something else with, like, a different kind of person. She really doesn’t like it when you try to put labels on her, which I admit I have done a lot. 

She has other friends. 

Anyway, I was talking about Clarissa and Hedera, whom we sometimes call the Matmos Twins. They are not twins, or even related, and they don’t really look alike at all. But they are affected by the Matmos, and they have been made into my liaisons to the Matmos. Sort of. They mostly refuse to answer any questions or pass any messages along, so whatever it is they’re supposed to be doing, I’m not in control of it, nor can I really influence things that much. 

Kimmie has been spending time with them likely due to a combination of curiosity, employment, and some raging goth-ass crushes. I can’t say that these two really do anything all that sexually provocative, other than that time they dragged me down into the caverns below Kakos without clothes on. That was weird. 

They wear loose clothing that hides their bodies. They cover their faces in makeup. Their hygiene leaves something to be desired. They eat mostly vending machine junk food and soft drinks. They behave like teenagers despite being at least thirty. Then again, I can see how they might seem like the kind of hot you can change. Fixer-uppers. A lot of people like them, Kimmie included, although she hasn’t explicitly said it’s a romantic interest. For a while there, we weren’t sure they could even think enough to be considered sexually available. We’re pretty sure they can think now. They just prefer not to. Anyway, Kimmie has been getting high with them on DarkMegaGrass and trying to pump them for information. I understand that this last time they got high, she forgot all of the questions she had prepared, and instead they tried on clothes together for like four hours, and spent at least part of that pretending to be princesses. She may need a new tactic for getting that information. 

I am told that we have now asked the Matmos what it wants. It says that it would love a vintage Mokai reel to reel tape machine. That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t think we have one of those, but we can probably get one if it would end all of this nonsense. I kind of doubt it will. Something is a bit strange.

It has been brought to my attention that some of you out there might not feel like you’re really doing your part for Evil, or you have trouble getting your own hands dirty. That is why we offer Evil credits and Evil financial services. These financial services are actually a big part of what we do here at Kakos Industries and I find that it might be partially my fault that more of you don’t know about them. For a small fee, you can pay Kakos Industries to Do Evil on your behalf. We can tell you exactly what Evil we’re doing, or we can keep the nature of the Evil hidden behind insinuation and innuendo. You can rest easily knowing that we will be doing Evil in proportion to how much you pay us. If you would prefer to make your money work for longer, we can set up an Evil Trust. You pay us a much larger sum of money, and we set that money to work doing Evil on your behalf. Trusts like these can perform Evil for many years to come, long after you’re gone, in fact.

JUNIOR: Corin.

CORIN: Oh, hey, Junior. How are you? Shareholders, this is Junior. He’s a monster and a very important consultant here at Kakos Industries. He also watches over the Dana Govern babies, which are a number of monster babies that… sort of emerged from Dana Govern after a dance performance. 

JUNIOR: Corin, they are almost 4 years old. They are no longer babies?

CORIN: In monster years?

JUNIOR: WHat the fuck is a monster year?

CORIN: I, uh, I guess I don’t know.

JUNIOR: Never mind your ignorance, Corin. If we were to really get into the depths of how much you don’t know, we would be here for lifetimes. So, I have come to show you something important, Corin.

CORIN: It’s not, uh…

JUNIOR: Don’t be ridiculous! As important as Junior Junior is, I do not need to interrupt a broadcast to show you. Though, it would be gratifying for the audience to hear just how impressed you are.

CORIN: Okay… what is it?

JUNIOR: Do you notice anything different about me, Corin?

CORIN: Well, maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me, but you do seem a bit smaller.

JUNIOR: Exactly! I had a reduction.

CORIN: Of?

JUNIOR: Everything. I had a complete reduction.

CORIN: What?

JUNIOR: You see, Corin, the word reduction means to make smaller or denser.

CORIN: But I thought you liked being large. I always thought you liked how much space you took up.

JUNIOR: Yes, yes, yes, I do enjoy being large, but there’s a difference between being large, and being far too big. 

CORIN: Oh. Well, you’re looking a lot smaller.

JUNIOR: That is because I am very far away, Corin. You see, when things are far away, they seem much smaller than they are.

CORIN: I’m aware of that. I meant… never mind.

JUNIOR: It is far easier for me to fit places where humans fit. It is far easier for me to do business and move about. I have also substantially increased the available pool of ladies that I can put the moves on. And what’s more, my Evil has only increased. You see, I am much denser now. There is more Junior per Junior, and therefore more Evil per square cubic centimeter. 

CORIN: This seems like a drastic thing to do. It can’t have been easy.

JUNIOR: It’s completely reversible. It was no trouble at all.

CORIN: They reduced everything… How… You know what, never mind.

JUNIOR: I am still larger and more significant than you, Corin, and not just in terms of thought.

CORIN: You look great, Junior.

JUNIOR: You’re damn right. Well, I’m off to flirt with women, both human and monster. I will talk to you later, Corin.

CORIN: Be safe, Junior.

JUNIOR: Oh, never.

Apologies for that interruption, shareholders. Anyway, I have important updates from the Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment. I am told that they are planning an aerial battle between Mothula and Gnatsty. There will be wires and pulleys involved and I cannot be more excited.

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has used a key to open Franciso Lemon’s mind. The key was made out of a bunch of psychedelics. It was still key shaped, which made it under their jurisdiction. When we caught up with Francisco, he said, “damn, I really needed that.”

It is now time for another Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Kendra Bopple, who works in the Division of Pneumatics. They have all kinds of Pneumatic tubes that send things all over the building. They say that Kendra knows where every single tube runs, and there are thousands. Every single one, except for five of them. They never get a response from those, and they’re tired of losing tubes, so they basically don’t exist. Anyway, with Kendra’s memory, they are able to operate 70% more efficiently. Thank you for your service, Kendra. 

We haven’t talked about our labor camp we call Hell much recently, shareholders. For those of you who are new, Hell was a big hole we dug in the ground looking for the biblical Hell. We felt like it was our due diligence to at least look and see if it was there. It wasn’t. Last time we talked about them, I mentioned that Meredith Gorgoro, the head of the labor camp, was teaching the laborers to meditate along with their work. This has created some interesting side effects. The work is moving along more efficiently, but the workers seem to be suffering less. Now, the work that they do down there isn’t actually for any purpose. It’s mainly breaking rocks and things like that. They build some new structures there in Hell, but the point is the suffering. And now some of the workers seem to be transcending their physical pain to actually find peace in the work. It’s weird and we don’t like it. 

At the same time, not a single employee at Kakos Industries has had the courage to tell Meredith Gorgoro to change anything about her strategies, at least not since she got that sick monster arm instead of her regular human arm. It just projects so much authority and I am envious. The board will not authorize MY monster arm, so I guess I just don’t get one. Fine. 

They say the Evil once released a ton of hogs into the wild just for fun. This is Things We’re taking credit for now. Today, we’re taking credit for Kudzu, Cane Toads, and the knowledge that everything we do has ramifications that we probably aren’t prepared to deal with. Of course, we cannot know for certain that we are directly responsible for these things, but we’re saying it forcefully, and you had better believe us. Otherwise, that air filter you’re listening to may start to do the thing with the bad chemicals, okay? No one wants that.

Señor Franco has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Señor Franco’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Persephone. Like I’ve said before, we get a lot of people with just one name, or maybe just one name and a title. There’s a weird overlap between Evil people and people with mononyms. Anyway, we gave the Wheel of Misery a tough but loving spin and it landed on the space for Desensitized. From this day forward, Persephone will be 33% more desensitized. This might work out in Persephone’s favor, depending on the context. It likely will not though. For Evil measure, Señor Franco will be 13% more sensitive. That may also be a problem. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team responsible for making the life-ruining declarations of the Wheel of Misery come true, are currently wobbling around the building wearing pillbox hats and high heels and nothing else. It’s a look, for sure. They ran afoul of the Wheel of Misery some time ago, and it has been giving them these wardrobe choices as a punishment. They always seem up for the task, and they seem to be more comfortable when completely exposed than when actually wearing clothes. They are a chaotic bunch. 

I have another message from Matmos. This time, we asked it for its name. It has responded with Bartholomew. Interesting. I am now receiving a message from Clarissa and Hedera. Apparently they overheard the conversation earlier. They say that Bartholomew is another pool of Matmos, and not the Matmos as a whole, and that he’s weird, and that he really likes ham radio. Well, this has been disappointing. I’m sure we can get some additional information out of Bartholomew, and then perhaps we will be able to speak with some of the other Matmos.

This brings us to the end of these announcements, shareholders. It has been another exciting month here at Kakos Industries to be sure. Make sure that you destroy your air filter completely. It cannot continue to function. If you happened to like the effects from it, then you will need to buy one from us. The one you purchase will not poison you in your sleep like this one will. Make sure it is destroyed. The numbers are next.

11

77

11

77

99

77

11

22

77

99

11

44

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a curse with a subtle human form.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Attack, and Diontrey. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who started the rumor, Rocket who shared the rumor, and Anastasia K, who started the riott. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit all of the beer that will be necessary for the sporting arena. It will be difficult to drink. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an old children’s toy that teaches children how to pronounce difficult words. These words happen to be a dark incantation. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has found a way to increase flatulence during meetings, greatly reducing their duration.  The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping an epic poem titled “Likely Not”. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Slop. “Everything is served with ice cream scoopers and none of it can be told apart. 4/7”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Filter Feeding for Humans”. It’s basically a diet.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by changing the decorations to reflect a new generic seasonal theme. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has been floating in the pool just thinking about how they can all be so Evil so effortlessly.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that can end all card games forever. It cannot fall into the wrong hands. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that literally explodes when it gets bad news. It’s gross. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked a whole lot of rats. They’re sort of carelessly piled up right now. They’re dead. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by​​ Baroness Miss Dr. Indigo XIII, Esq. of The Stormvale, Captain of the Weeping Somnambulist and Matriarch of the Foxes, has installed a switch in Hallway 13-34-56a. It does nothing, but people will not leave it alone. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions directed by Kevin Rowland has created an expansion set that is written so poorly that the time spent arguing about it will definitely exceed play time. Every time. The Division of Post Apocalyptic Delivery directed by Cave Hill, King Kill of the Murder Valley in the Mountains brought water to the community. It was a little late, but that just means the supply will last longer this time. The Division of Prospective Exoplanet Tourism, directed by Victoria Wood, has started working on a pamphlet for the Yexoplanet. It’s the coolest planet for kids and will definitely not be turned into a mining colony immediately. The Division of In-Office Fan Fiction, directed by Kristina Kirkland, has started to write a steamy fic about Dave in accounting and Joe in Human Resources. It is unclear if they even know each other at this point. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark. Try singing a song to keep your spirits up.