What you are about to hear is the meditational mantra of a dark Eastern cult.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. I am proud to tell you, shareholders, that we have gotten back to work here at Kakos Industries after the inevitable holiday slump. I will admit that it took some work to get people working their hardest again after they spent so much time dedicated to gluttony, but we were successful all the same. At Kakos Industries, we’re fond of saying “Every employee is expendable”, and if we start to say that often enough around the right people, things tend to get back on track. Also, we had to let a couple of people go. As far as I know, they are still floating somewhere in the upper atmosphere of Earth. I am also proud to tell you that I was able to successfully evade Grace Rule, and subsequently the mark of failure that she had planned for me. I did have to climb out of a number of windows and really test my memory for the various secret passages we have here in the building. It was something my grandfather was always very serious about. I needed to know where those passages were. I would like to tell you which passages I used so you would know just how clever I am, but then they would no longer be secrets. And if I can’t use them to get away from shareholders, then they do lose some of their usefulness. Other uses include avoiding meetings, avoiding past lovers, and avoiding Billy and Kara and their sad relationship that has officially started to bum all of us out. More on that later, if I feel like it. I probably won’t.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a speaker attached to that windup toy duckling you found by your front door. I do apologize shareholders for not delivering this particular radio through your incoming projectiles window, but we just weren’t capable of winding them up with enough energy to make it all the way to your homes and then to jump through your windows. As it is, many of them travelled hundreds of miles on a few twists, which, I think you will agree, is pretty amazing. We’re proud of the technology. It was developed by our intrepid scientists in the Division of Clockwork and Not Steampunk. They’re very specific about that last part. Don’t even mention steampunk to them. They don’t dig it. I guess it makes a mockery of their art or something. At any rate, this is not a particularly good speaker, but it gets the job done pretty well. If you happen to walk away from the device, it will try to follow you, but I will say that some of them are pretty tired after the long journey, so don’t make them walk too much farther.
The Celebration of Spiders in Your Hair went off without a hitch as many of you know. The day rolled around, and then, yes, it did seem that there were spiders in your hair. We watched as many of you flailed and fought and dropped and rolled trying to evade the spiders in your hair. Then, we dealt with the spiders in our hair. It’s no one’s favorite celebration here at Kakos Industries, but we do it because it’s tradition. Kakos Industries has always had a Celebration of Spiders in your Hair. We can’t stop doing it now just because we don’t like it. You know, that kind of makes you look twice at some of your cultural traditions, doesn’t it? I’m looking at you, Europe. As you know, if you don’t have any hair on your head or body, then you are exempt from the spiders. I would like to applaud all of you who shaved everything to avoid having spiders on your body for being so fearlessly afraid. For those of you who missed a spot, better luck next year.
Coming up, we have the Festival of Darkness. You might be thinking to yourself that every day at Kakos Industries is a celebration of darkness. Well, that is true, but we mean real darkness. We are forced to admit that most of us working here at Kakos Industries still technically identify as human, and even some of us who don’t identify as human do have eyes, which means that light is still an everyday necessity. I am certain that I am not the only person working here who sighs a little when lighting up an otherwise dark room to get work done. We have to remind ourselves that the metaphorical darkness that we create while working in the literal light is worth the sacrifice. But this festival is all about the literal. We will welcome many of you into the basement ballroom, but it is possible to play along at home. Once inside, our guests will find a comfortable seat, or a space to sprawl out, and then the lights will be dimmed until total darkness is assured. This includes visible light, as well as other electromagnetic radiation, including radio signals, x-rays, and infrared from outside of the ballroom. Of course, we can’t stop the infrared from our shareholders’ bodies. We’ve tried. It results in death. Every time. There’s just no good way of cooling everyone off without killing them all, and you are still more valuable to us alive. Once we are in total darkness, everyone is given the chance to lay back and feel the dark really surround them. To feel the lack of light on their skin. To feel the cool air. To feel the fingers, tendrils, and tentacles of the dark slowly creep over their bodies. To feel the darkness filling them up, beginning at their feet, but eventually permeating every cell in their bodies. And then we sit with the dark. There isn’t a specific start or end time to this event, but we follow the mood of the people. If they begin to feel uncomfortable, we only request that they ask themselves if they can hold it just a little bit longer. There are no monsters in the dark, or at least not literal ones. And then when the time comes, we turn on the lights again. Feeling recharged, we are capable of going about our tasks in the world knowing that we carry within us a reservoir of darkness that we can tap into any time. I’m not sure if there is a more important festival here at Kakos Industries.
I am obligated to tell you, shareholders, that you can always be better shareholders. How do you do that? You do that by accessing our corporate website. Please visit Store.KakosIndustries.com for more details. I will say that again. Store.KakosIndustries.com for more details. I am told that you can upgrade your shareholder status. We don’t always let you do that, so I would recommend heading over today. There might even be some limited edition shareholder statuses. Those are really sweet, so I would definitely jump on that. Store.KakosIndustries.com. S-T-O-R-E dot K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot C-O-M. Go there. You are contractually obligated. Store.KakosIndustries.com. You can stop listening to me right now, but only if you go to Store.KakosIndustries.com. I think I may have said Store.KakosIndustries.com too many times now. Store.KakosIndustries.com.
Shareholders, I just received a letter from my grandfather. This is exciting. I will open it and see what he says. Here goes. “Corin, please disregard my last letter. I could not have been more wrong.” That’s it. He didn’t even sign it. There’s just a greasy smudge in the corner. Does that mean the last letter I received a while back? I’m not sure what I could disregard about that letter. No, wait, there is another letter here on the desk. Perhaps that is the correct letter? Let me see here. He writes, “Corin, I hope that all is well with you now. I see that you are coming up on the end of your first year as CEO and I could not be more proud of you. You really are a new Evil for a new generation. I am writing to you today to tell you that your responsibilities as CEO will begin to change over the next year. I left instructions for your staff to take care of certain things that I wasn’t sure you would be ready for right away. But now, I am quite certain. You have earned it. Your trial period is over. Grace Rule will fill you in on all the details, but I will say that you are now invited to all of the Ultra Board Meetings. I hope that you find them as enjoyable as I have. Corin Deeth I.” Shareholders, I am a little embarrassed to say that I am not familiar with the Ultra Board Meetings. I’m not really sure how this secret has been kept from me this whole time. In addition, I’m not sure whether this is an Ultra Meeting of the Board, or if there is some Ultra Board that I was previously not aware of. In either case, I will probably not be allowed to discuss the meetings on the air. I apologize, shareholders. But now I am confused. What exactly was I supposed to disregard about that letter? Is he not really proud of me? Am I not really invited to those meetings? are they nonexistent? Will Grace Rule force me to figure out my new obligations through an elaborate game of charades? Wait, there’s another letter on my desk. It does not have a date on it nor an indication of the order it was to be read in. What could this one say? “Corin, I wasn’t planning on writing you a letter today, but I just can’t contain my excitement. I need to tell someone, and there’s no one in the office. I found a pill of some sort under my desk just now, and, following my usual rules, I took it. It’s the Super Feel Good Formula that we developed a few years back, but somehow lost the recipe to! I think this might have been the last one, Corin! I of course realized my mistake in taking it, but in order to try to fix the situation, I have taken a blood sample. We should be able to find the molecule in my blood somewhere. I will admit that I didn’t have the proper equipment, so I’ve just sort of started to bleed into my trash can beside my desk. Before you ask, I took all of the garbage out first. And I used a letter opener. I’m not sure how much blood they’ll need, so I might just fill the bin here. My evilness, that is a lot of blood. If I didn’t feel so damn good, I might be worried about that. And how light headed I feel. I think I’m going to tie a tourniquet now, and we’ll see if someone finds me in time. If I have to go, Corin, this is how it should be. I feel amazing. I might be able to pull myself off before I lose consciousness. Corin Deeth I.” Well, that was traumatizing. I will say that my grandfather did not die of blood loss, so he must have survived this particular event. I’m still not seeing what I’m supposed to disregard, though. Was he wrong about how good he felt? or the formula? or bleeding so much? or not having enough time to.. uh… pull himself off? This still doesn’t make sense. Wait, there’s another letter. I’m going to look through all of the papers on my desk here for any other letters. There are none. There are also none under the desk or on the chair. I don’t see any in the rest of the room. Okay, then this must be the letter I’m supposed to disregard. Let’s see what it says. “Corin, I seem to remember writing a lot of letters to be delivered to you on this date. I don’t remember why I did that, but I know that a few of them might have been a little confusing. I am sorry for that. The good news is that we were able to reverse engineer the Super Feel Good Formula from my blood sample. They needed a couple of drops, Corin. I gave them a bucket. Grace Rule had to give me a direct transfusion to save my life. I only wish that it was blood in those veins of hers. Well whatever it is, she did manage to save me and I’m thankful. Anyway, I’m guessing that you’ve sorted all of the confusion out by now, so I’ll let you get back to work. Corin Deeth I.” I… that’s not how time works! It’s still the same day for me! And why couldn’t he have just taken back the letters and not sent them if they were confusing? What am I supposed to do, grandfather? I don’t see another letter. There’s no one waiting to give me a letter. There is no more information. What was I supposed to disregard? Soundman, did you see anyone with a letter? He’s shaking his head. Shareholders, it appears that we have a mystery on our hands. I’m wondering if he just didn’t send that first letter. I’m not usually one to speak ill of my grandfather, but maybe the drugs were to blame here. Or maybe he couldn’t remember what he said in the letter? What other explanation is there for this. I… I am going to lose sleep. Wait, someone is coming into the studio now. It’s another letter. Is this the resolution we’re after? I’m opening the envelope… It’s a human pinky. No letter. No nail polish. It… looks kind of fresh. Who’s fucking pinky is this? What am I supposed to do here? Soundman Steven is shaking his head. Fuckdammit!
I will just have to move on. It’s been a little while since we’ve heard from the Sexual Innovation Division. I understand that they are now taking on much more conservative projects now to avoid being shut down like their predecessors. The current conservative project, I am told, is offering consultations for men who are looking to attract women using high quality image crafting. The SID will help these men to use set dressing, photoshop and a number of other tools to enhance their appearance when attempting to secure dates and romantic meetings. These consultations, in short, are hoping to perfect the dick pic, and men are expected to leave with an image on their phone that will really make a good first impression. If the SID is successful, then they will have developed a formula for a photograph of a dick that will send women into a frenzy. They will sort through their exhausting and frustrating inbox full of men’s penises to find this one image that will really change their outlook. This won’t be any ordinary cock. This will be a handsome dick, a manicured dick, a dick that looks like it cares about itself. This will be a dick with a bright future, a dick that looks like it can take over the world. A warm, and sensitive dick that can feed a family. A dick that’s not afraid to tell a woman how it really feels. A dick that is there to support you when you need it most. A dick that isn’t afraid to be in touch with its inner femininity. This dick pic will tell women that you might be a dick, but at least your dick isn’t.
It is now time for Things We Are Taking Credit for Now. This week we are taking credit for unflattering selfies, the death of film, and cutting peppers, and then peeing without washing your hands. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then your Festival of Darkness will be a little darker than the rest. We’re talking about your infrared. We’re going to kill you.
Tanya Katic is the winner of this week’s Ruin-A-Life drawing. As a result, the life of her chosen target will be ruined. Tanya has selected… Yes, it does seem that Tanya has selected a sofa. According to her explanation, the sofa has ended a number of lives, stolen millions of dollars, and maimed a number of children. I’m going to say that I’m really not sure how a sofa could do any of that, but if these allegations are true, then it’s making us here at Kakos Industries look bad. We should try to get our hands on this sofa, I think. At any rate, the allegations are not important here because we don’t really care if the target deserves to have its life ruined or not. The Wheel of Misery spun and spun and eventually landed on de-sofa’d. Really, shareholders, I’m not sure how this wheel picks something so perfect every time, but it does. That being said, I’m not sure how we will go about de-sofaing the sofa, but we have to do what we have to do. For good measure, Tanya will also be de-sofa’d. I still don’t know what that means. Oh well.
And that brings us to the end of our broadcast. Let me check my notes here and make sure I haven’t missed anything. Store.KakosIndustries.com. Got that. Well, okay then. Your wind up toy radio has had a long journey and must now be put to rest. Please crush it with a sturdy shoe. If you live in one of THOSE houses, then you can go to your shoes by the door, put them on, and then crush it. You can then take your shoes off again so your floors don’t get dirty or something. Weirdos. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently in the future. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That's I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered parting your hair the other way?