What you are about to hear may destroy the ozone barrier on a distant planet of peaceful leaf eaters.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO, and we are back to work in the main branch. Let’s begin. Shareholders, some of you have asked why I do these announcements. Not why they get done, but why I specifically do them. Shouldn’t there be something more valuable for me to be doing with my time? Ultra board meetings? Making executive decisions? Destroying failed experiments? Bending eager underlings over my desk for sex purposes? All of those things are valuable, of course. And I could be doing any of them. And someone else, perhaps a professional speaker of some sort, or at the very least an intern, could read these announcements. Sometimes I think that my responsibility to bring you these announcements is just an ironic reminder that I am not in complete control. But more realistically, it is because we at Kakos Industries value you, shareholders. Sure, we’ve been known to more or less accidentally end your lives. And we’ve exposed you to a number of poisons. And we’ve experimented on you. And we’ve stolen your DNA and potentially made mostly brainless clones of you to subject to a life of torturous examination and testing. But you are the reason we do this. That, and the fact that we really like it. But without you to answer to, shareholders, what would we be? The DarkMegaUSSR? The Kingdom of Evilon? That religion I’m forgetting the name of? Shareholder accountability is what makes Kakos Industries Kakos Industries. I’m using the term accountability loosely, yes, but we do care. Your clones are put down in the most humane ways.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from My First Sampler, made by our client Death Knell Rhythmonics for their Sudden Infant Sick Beat Syndrome line. It’s easy to buy your child a small sized guitar, or a penny whistle, or scoot your child up to the piano keys, but what if your musical tastes are different? What if you want your child raised on the music you listen to? What if you want your child’s prodigiousness directed toward hip hop and electronic music? Well, that’s what My First Sampler is for. It is a surprisingly competent device, allowing your child to play pre-sampled instruments, build new libraries from their rattles and see-and-say toys, and layer their vocals over the top. That is its intended use, yes, but today you pressed play, just as you were instructed to do with your Synth-Aesthesia Synthesizer/Sequencer in the past, and now you’re hearing me speak. We’ve actually modified these devices with a radio sampler, so you can hear me live. Do not pause my voice at any time. You will miss important things. It is okay to hit record, but do not be surprised if what you play back later is something entirely different and horribly disturbing. You might want to work with that. You might get those Witch House folks to shuffle from side to side with your creations. I must warn you that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re not a Kakos Industries shareholder, then you must stop listening to this broadcast now. If you don’t, then we have hired individuals to track you down and whack you so hard in the junk with a small mallet that you forget everything you heard, which I’ll be honest is pretty fucking hard, and who knows what else you’ll forget. If you don’t have junk, innie, outie, or nondescript, then these people have been authorized to improvise. Unless, and I’m quoting here, “your flow is tight”, in which case you will become a shareholder. You should be already, and it’s a wonder we missed you.
Shareholders, we had the Nudity Festival cum Ultra Nudity Festival cum Dark Mega Nudity Festival. It… Was. So. Hairy. Shareholders, how the hell did you even do it? I’m still scratching my head on that one. For those of you who couldn’t make it… It was really hairy. I did my part and stopped shaving, but some of you… some of you seem to have stopped shaving at least three species ago on the evolutionary tree. Some of you had hairy foreheads and palms. How? Some of you just seemed to have meters and yards of armpit hair. Those hairs don’t grow that long! Not normally. Now, it’s not my intention to shame anyone with a genetic predisposition to fuzz, but this was some world record stuff. I don’t remember most of what happened during the festival because of just how floored I was. Thank you, shareholders. Thank you for taking this so seriously. I’ve just been passed a note. It says that Helga, the woman who has taken over for Grace in her absence, took it upon herself to send all of you experimental hair growth pills. That makes a whole lot of sense. I guess I just wasn’t able to formulate a question with just how impressed I was. Still, might be a little too much. I’ll have to talk to Helga. She’s new. It says here that the hair should fall out sometime soon. For some of you… Alright guys, look, I’m sorry that I sheared a couple of you. I don’t know what came over me. I was just… overwhelmed. I should not have done that. It was not my decision how you wear your hair. I just… I guess I just wanted to make sure there was a person under there still and that the world hadn’t been… taken over. By hair. At any rate, there were enough leftover strands to make some yarn. Janice Knutt in the Division of Spinning, Knitting, and Knife Fighting offered to make me a sweater out of that yarn. It’s not that I don’t like you, shareholders, I just… That’s a little much.
Coming up, the Technology Festival has been preempted by the Festival of Innovation. Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations Volume 11, the rulebook we found over a year ago that has turned our festival schedule on its head, says to cancel any festivals and replace them with this one. Shareholders, you can understand that we are a little behind in our work over here at Kakos Industries. There was that insurrection nonsense, and then our vacation, and anyway, long story short, we forgot to tell anyone that the festival was different. The representatives from Giant-Ass Robots and and Thorgonus, as well as all of the other companies involved are a little ticked off by this. So, we’re probably going to have a robot fight, just under the guise of Innovation. We’re improving robot fighting, everyone. We’re Doing Evil Better. I’ll just read you the excerpt from the book. “It is time for Kakos Industries to take back its place as the leader of Evil innovation! It is time for Kakos Industries to make the next big Evil!” First of all shareholders, we don’t have to take back our position as the leader of Evil innovation. We are the leader. No one else comes close. And if they ever do, then we will take them over. As for the next big Evil, it would appear that we are still on the hook for that one at least. So apparently, we are supposed to increase hours, halt underperforming projects, and redirect everyone we possibly can to the next big Evil, and then we are required to debut said development at the festival. This rule book may not be a joke in the strictest sense, but the expectations it places on us most of the time are just silly. Developing a new technology like this should take years. And it’s not like we were supposed to start a while ago. It specifies a start date. Helga wouldn’t even let us get an early start. Because she’s terrible at this job. It’s not just about following the rules, Helga. It’s a about the spirit of the rules! Grace understood that. Though she did really like the literal rules as well. It’s complicated, okay? I just miss her, I guess. Anyway, watch us innovate. And then maybe don’t come to the festival because there will be robot fighting. Or competitive robot fucking.
Shareholders, our renegade sex toy has sent us some more photos. They’re interesting. A lot of selfies. In the background of these selfies… well, it really looks like there’s a lot of people who have started to follow the sex toy. For those of you who don’t remember, this robotic sex machine was programmed to reduce our societal hangups. It then decided that doing that required working out the sexual hangups of everyone on the planet, so that our sexual hangups do not constantly re-infect one another. And now, it has groupies. This might even be a cult we’re looking at. They’re naked. They’re satisfied. They do appear to be without any sexual hangups, though it is really hard to tell that from the photos. What I can tell, is that there are hundreds of these people. Hundreds. And they aren’t contributing to society at all. They’re just having sex with little to no discrimination. That is certainly one kind of Evil. We’ve tried pinging the robot. Giving it new instructions. So far, we haven’t been able to override its programming. And maybe we don’t really want to. It’s difficult to know. This is certainly Evil. But who knows. It could swing another direction any day. We just want that control.
How about that Angry and We Mean It Party? Boy do they love authoritarianism. And ostensibly strong male leadership. It’s just too entertaining shareholders. I just find myself laughing sometimes at my desk thinking about it. Amazing stuff.
Shareholders, we recently held the second Shareholders’ Brawl of my time as CEO at Kakos Industries. We asked these esteemed and well respected shareholders to dress for the fanciest event of their Evil lives. We told them to prepare to impress. What we didn’t tell them is that we only invited five of them to the event. But we did not disappoint them. It was the fanciest event ever held at Kakos Industries in terms of density. That being said, the banquet hall was less hall and more closet. There was barely room for a table and the five of them. It was cramped, heated, and pressurized, making this a powder keg waiting to explode. Ian Croall was the first to arrive, but the last to enter the banquet hall on account of his oversized ram’s horns. We had to cut into the walls slightly to make the appropriate room. Following Ian Croall was K Pemberton, dressed in a sharp navy pinstripe suit. Then the shareholder who would only be known by the name Soap Lady in a stunning and classical green regency gown. Then Derek Gutwrath wearing a fluorescent red jacket with oversized buttons, and apparently just vegetable oil as pants. For future reference, shareholders, we do not consider vegetable oil to be pants. Finally, Christopher Dupré arrived in a white shirt and gray slacks accented by a bright red bowtie. Once everyone was seated, the door to the closet was effectively blocked, so the five course meal had to be lowered into the room from above, which is where Camilla Coldcock, the director of the Division of Truculence, Bellicosity, and Pugnacity, and I watched the events. We watched these shareholders tear through salads, and roasted animals, and painstakingly acquired fungi, one after the other. Everyone behaved congenially until the meal was over. Then, moments before sleepiness could overtake them, K Pemberton stood up and removed their fancy suit to reveal a comic book spider guy costume, complete with canisters of webbing attached at the wrists and abdomen. K then shot webbing onto the ceiling and hoisted themself up above where the other shareholders could not reach them. Then, simultaneously, Soap Lady drew two daggers from beneath her dress, Christopher Dupré drew a flintlock pistol, Ian Croall drew a hand full of no-free-advertising-brand pens, and Derek Gutwrath produced two very oily fingers in the shape of finger guns. What happened next was a combination of several stabbing motions, two solid wet willies, and a flintlock misfire, because those weapons are inaccurate even at closet range. Meanwhile, K Pemberton began kicking down at everyone from above. Ian Croall landed a pen in K’s leg, while Soap Lady stabbed Ian’s arm. Christopher Dupré squeezed under the table to reload his flintlock pistol, while Derek Gutwrath landed one very oily kick to Soap Lady’s midsection. Ian Croall began thrashing about trying to remove the dagger from his arm, smashing his enormous horns into each wall repeatedly. Really, they took up the entire space pretty well. Just enormous horns. In his thrashing, Ian crushed the table, squishing Christophe Dupré beneath the chunks of wood. Using the last of his strength, Christopher Dupré fired his weapon, which miraculously caught the webbing that secured K Pemberton to the ceiling, sending K down on top of Ian’s horns, which then squished Soap Lady and Derek Gutwrath. It was about that time that the food began to take hold in everyone’s stomach, and the match had to be called on account of everyone being asleep. Camilla looked at me and said, “My bloodlust is satisfied. I guess.” I nodded, and then I turned out the lights below to let our shareholders sleep.
A few days ago, while they were walking through the halls here at Kakos Industries, Kimmie and Maggie reunited briefly. I don’t think they meant to do it. In fact, based on their paths, I think they were trying really hard not to run into each other. But it happened. And it was awkward. And we all watched from a nearby security camera. Maggie was unapologetic. And Kimmie wasn’t so sure she wanted Maggie back in her life at all. But they did decide that they should be friends. Or at least friendly. When Kiarawa ran the company, she transferred Maggie to the Division of Pitter Patter, hoping to develop an improved weather controlling device, so Kimmie and Maggie have not been working on the same projects. We were all concerned about how this would go. I think we were pleasantly surprised. It may be a little while before we can talk them into getting coffee, and then talk them into becoming one person through science, but we might get there. For now, Kimmie has started dating one of our interns. That’s not forbidden, but it is definitely frowned upon. She’s got some stuff to work out. Sometimes you gotta work out some stuff.
(Noise Spike, fanfare)
Oh for fuck’s sake!
King: Hahahahah! Hello, Corin.
Corin: Leopold? You should be dead. You were dying! I saw the wounds!
King: I’ve found a way to survive, Corin. For you, my love. You delectable Evil morsel. You vanilla sweet love sundae with flaked gold and blood diamonds.
Corin: I feel a little betrayed. You were supposed to die.
King: You’re right. When you stabbed me during our duel for your hand in marriage, the wound became two, and then four, and so on. I became covered in bloody stab wounds. First you penetrated my heart. Then you penetrated me. Then a long time later you stabbed me, which is really not remotely the same thing. Wordplay, perhaps.
Corin: The only reason I came to see you was because you were dying. I thought I could give you that. Also, I wanted my board game back. It’s out of print.
King: My love for you would not let me perish so. I could not let this love we have die.
Corin: We don’t have love, Leopold. You kind of like me, but I don’t think you understand what love is.
King: I want to have you. As mine. Like all of my other cool stuff.
Corin: Yeah, that’s not it. And we’re getting off the track here. Just how the fuck are you alive?
King: I’ve plugged the holes, Corin. Every time a new one sprouts, I just plug it.
Corin: I’m afraid to ask.
King: My servants, Corin. They have all these parts. They couldn’t possibly need all of them. When a new stab wound pops up, a cut here, a snip there, thread and needle, and I’m right as rain.
Corin: That’s… that is some premium Evil. I’m honestly impressed.
King: I have so many subjects I’ll be able to pursue you for years. I’m the Ship of Theseus now.
Corin: That is grotesque.
King: It gets better, my sweet.
(heavy sigh from Corin)
King: Did you know that I have the prerogative to wed with anyone within the confines of my country? It’s true. No ceremony is necessary as long as the person is within the borders.
Corin: This is so stupid.
King: You’re my queen now, Corin. It’s official. I’ve added it to the ledger. I’ve gotten you some monogrammed towels.
Corin: that’s only legal in Evilon, and everyone knows your laws are just nonsense.
King: All the same, you should return to me, my sweet potato. Let us bake together in the warm sun on the beaches of Evilon.
King: But you must! Your people need you, Corin. They need their queen.
Corin: I really don’t want to. I’m honored that you would think to write me down in your fancy book of royal spouses, but we’re not married, and I don’t want anything to do with you.
King: We will have no choice but to come for you, then, Corin.
Corin: I will kill anyone you send. We’ll just kill them. This is starting to get really annoying.
King: I will come to you when you least expect me!
Corin: (Heavy Sigh) Let’s move on, shareholders.
Shareholders, I feel somewhat guilty about these interruptions. You see, I only have so much time to talk to you during these broadcasts, and the more I’m interrupted, the less I get to tell you about important developments here at Kakos Industries. Well, let me tell you this. Evil is up. A lot. I will say the Kiarawa did increase the Evil around here, but it was unsteady. It would swing way above where it was before, but it would also fall far below as well. I’ve done my best to stabilize the best of the time, and we’ve seen substantial improvements in Evil. Also money. Money is up. The demand for Evil is at an all time high. And I don’t usually get to tell you things like that because people insist on interrupting my broadcasts. We’re doing Evil work here, shareholders, and the numbers agree with us.
Dimple Deblinski has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Dimple’s nemesis will be ruined. Dimple has selected Rudy Hwoodie as her nemesis. A spin of the Wheel of Misery brought us to Beloved by Flies. From this day forward, Rudy Hwoodie will be beloved by flies, which means that Rudy will smell good to flies, Rudy will taste good to flies, and Rudy will virtually be covered with flies pretty much always. Indoors. Outdoors. In all climates. At work. At home. The best friend of flies. Rudy may purchase pet frogs and lizards, but they won’t be able to eat the sheer number of flies that Rudy will attract. It will be hellacious. Definitely uncomfortable. For good measure, Dimple will get a questionable tattoo. It’ll… it’ll start some conversations. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
The shortest distance between two points is often said to be through Kakos Industries. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Of course, we can never really know if we are actually responsible for any of these things, but we do so much Evil. SO much. It’s unthinkable that we didn’t have something to do with at least all of these. This week, we’re taking credit for peach flavored vodka, cotton candy flavored vodka, and sour apple flavored vodka. If you happen to think that we might not be responsible for any of those things, and honestly, really? then you will find yourself with a whole lot of all three of them. Don’t get excited. It’s… It’s probably going to be the death of you. And not a particularly dignified one.
And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. So… I might be royalty. That’s gross. And fun to think about. But mostly gross. I mean, you don’t get to be royalty by being the best at what you do. You don’t get to be royalty for working hard and succeeding. You just get to be royalty or you don’t. It’s… gross. Anyway, shareholders, I’ll let you get back to your meaningless lives. You may choose to take apart your My First Sampler at this time. There might be a prize inside. Instructions have been included for taking it apart safely. The trouble is that the instructions have been written in a character set of Chinese so rare that we don’t actually know if they’re Chinese. But the prize could be really, really good. You make your own decisions. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently drawing you a picture on a bar napkin. Special Guest appearance in this episode by Andrew Bueker. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, and Elizabeth Kreick. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That's Patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered getting a nice potted succulent?