episodes

74 – Trophy

in which you may have vague memories of vague horrors at a vague conference, you hear some twinkling on the wind, The Festival of Innovation and the Festival of Quiet Evils are recapped, preparations are made for the Celebration of Self Love and Evil Con, we polish the many, many trophies here at Kakos Industries, a statue makes people feel things, Brosephus returns from radical sabbatical, and Chris Creaver “wins” The Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

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What you are about to hear is drenched in gasoline and ready to blow.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO. If you’re wondering why you’re hearing these messages, then it’s probably because of that accounting convention you visited over the weekend. Long story short, some nasty things happened and we decided to add the whole lot of you to our list of honored shareholders. Even if you didn’t take part in the depraved debauchery. And if you did take part in the depraved debauchery, and you’re wondering why you did, then it probably had something to do with our debauchery gas that we pumped into the entire place. So it’s kind of our fault, but also kind of your fault. Anyway, welcome. If you’re not surprised to be hearing these announcements, it’s probably because you’ve been a shareholder for a while. We are also glad to have you.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a sweet windchime we put just outside your window. Doesn’t matter if it’s an apartment, a house, or even a car. We stuck a wind chime out there, and then we made the wind blow. And we also planted a speaker in the wind chime. And one of the chimes is actually an antenna. Pretty neat. Today’s radio comes to you from Sounds of Peace and Evil, a company that brings you the finest dark relaxation experiences. You should be able to tune out the light twinkling of the chimes colliding and hear these announcements with excellent clarity. The speaker is directional, so the sound should be coming through your window, and not going everywhere, but there’s bound to be some spillover. If you’re still wondering why you’re hearing these announcements and you’ve never been to an accounting convention, then you probably live near a shareholder. And these chimes are going to start shocking the shit out of you until you leave. I don’t care if you’re home. You need to leave. Go for a walk or something. Or you might end up dying of little shocks.

We recently had the Festival of Innovation. And the Festival of Quiet Evils. We had a weird idea how we might get to save a little bit of money by having both festivals at the same time, so we gave it a shot. You know, a festival that often features giant robots beating the shit out of each other and a festival of deep internal contemplation. They mix just fine. To ensure that we wouldn’t have any problems with robots fucking this year, we insisted that the engineers all meet up several times in the preceding months to have sex with each other and get it out of their systems. We want to see robots fight, not get intimate. So we were all surprised when all of the robots that showed up to the festival were in fact not sex robots, and not fighting robots, but instead giant robots with the purpose of hashing out a peace treaty between all of their companies. Giant, humanoid robots in suits, with briefcases. They sat at a giant table. And they did come to an agreement. Peace has been declared between Thorgonus, Giant-Ass Robots, and all of the others. There was no winner. That is until my staff started firing rockets at the robots, insisting that they fight. Begrudgingly, they tore up their peace negotiations and began to duke it out, swinging briefcases and pulling on ties and pantsuits. Finally, Tamblin Robonauticals won by virtue of having the smallest robot that was most easily overlooked during the brawl. We had a winner, but there was definitely no glory to go around. The Festival of quiet Evils took place during the most intense portion of the robot fight, with many people choosing to look inward on the robot battlefield. For some of them, it seemed like a competition to see how calm they could get in the extremely dangerous scenario. For others, it was just a meaningful challenge for themselves. Only a couple people were squashed, but many others will need to have debris surgically removed.

We have the Celebration of Self Love coming up, which, as you all know, is a great opportunity to get into your own head and really just experience whatever fantasies you’ve custom tailored for yourself. Think about situations and bodily proportions that you don’t ever see crop up in real life, even here at Kakos Industries. Think about genetic anomalies. Think about all the sex you could ever want, sex that exceeds your own actual sexual appetite. Sex you could just never actually have for fear of ruining your relationships – or yourself. Sex that, the more you think about it, actually just represents a sad and deep yearning inside yourself for greater meaning. Desires that, were they to be exposed, would reveal more about who you are on a deep level than you would ever feel comfortable sharing with the world at large. Desires that share more about your nonsexual desires than your desires intended for the bedroom. And when you’ve brought yourself to a routine conclusion, all you’re left with is your own dead-eyed stare reflecting back at you from your dimmed cell phone screen. I am told that this melancholy is healthy, shareholders, both for your lives in general, and for the Evil you harbor within you. Do not turn from this experience. Do not run from it. Embrace it. And maybe lighten up. Your support staff keep telling you you’re too wound up, don’t they?

In addition to the Celebration of Self Love, we are preparing for Evil Con. Now, I have to tell you, shareholders, that I won’t be able to attend Evil Con this year as I have other travel plans, but I am told it will be excellent this year. The lines will be longer, the degradation will be more extreme, and everything will be a little bit more commercial. I’m also told that instead of badges this year, everyone will be injured in a very specific way, and they will be expected to continuously bleed from that wound for the remainder of the event. You know, if they want to get into anything.

Now, shareholders, we have a lot to get through today, so I’ll do my best to move quickly.

(Noise spike)
Corin: Oh, what is it this time?
Melantha: Hello, Corin!
Corin: Oh, Melantha Murther, CEO of our largest competitor. Welcome to the broadcast.
Melantha: I’m supposed to say all of that.
Corin: And I took it right away from you.
Melantha: Or did I program you to say it through the power of suggestion.
Corin: Oh, fuck.
Melantha: I got you again, Corin.
Corin: I’m inclined to call this one a tie.
Melantha: Call it what you want. It won’t change the fact that I’ve got this big golden trophy in my office.
(Corin sighs)
Corin: Is that why you’ve interrupted me? You’re looking to brag?
Melantha: Of course I am. You get so high and mighty about being the best at everything. But look at this, Corin. It’s a big fucking trophy saying we beat you.
Corin: I can’t look, Melantha. You’re interrupting me via audio alone.
Melantha: What? There’s supposed to be video! VideoWoman Stacy, you told me there would be video! She says we’re broadcasting.
Corin: But I don’t have a receiver setup. These are supposed to be audio announcements so I don’t even have a monitor. Soundman does, but I don’t think it’s showing you. He is indicating that he can see you. But it doesn’t matter. I know what the trophy looks like. We used to have it after all.
Melantha: But now it’s mine, Corin. Your smell is gradually fading and it’s picking up ours instead. And that makes it ours, Corin.
Corin: Do I need to show you all of the trophies we have, Melantha? ‘Cause it’s a lot of trophies.
Melantha: Those trophies are meaningless, Corin, because a-you a-don’t a-have a-this one.
Corin: It’s really not that great of a trophy, Melantha. Like I said, we used to have it.
Melantha: Stop being so defensive, Corin. You sound so desperate right now.
Corin: I… would you like to tell my shareholders what the trophy is for?
Melantha: It’s a trophy for being the best at Evil.
Corin: that’s not true. Shareholders, it’s a trophy from a competition they hold every year. This year, Melantha’s company was just slightly better than ours at creating schoolyard gossip that turns good girls bad.
Melantha: That’s right, I’ve got the baddest bitches.
Corin: The final score was 19 ounces of boy tears to 18.8 ounces of boy tears. It was an extremely close competition.
Melantha: But our gossip made badder girls who broke more boys’ hearts.
Corin: If they would have counted good girl tears, then we would have been well ahead of you. Our gossip created girls so bad they were breaking the hearts of boys, girls, and everyone who doesn’t comfortably fit in either category.
Melantha: You’re just saying that because those numbers weren’t counted. We don’t know how many of those people we would have had as well. It’s not our fault the game is old-fashioned. And boys’ tears are somehow so much more meaningful when it comes to bad girls. Just admit it. You weren’t as good at making good girls bad as we were.
Corin: Marginally. And what about all of these other competitions, Melantha?
Melantha: Oh no, your signals breaking up. I have to go now, Corin!
(The noise falls)

Well, that was fun. Shareholders, do not be disheartened. When I say that we have a lot of trophies, I really mean it. We have just a ton of trophies in the trophy room. We have trophies for the Baddest Bad Boys Championship, The Most Intense Psychedelics Championship, and The Only Company To actually Have a Hell Championship, which is awarded by the Independent Hell Officiants, which, believe it or not, are not in any way associated with Kakos Industries. We also have the Most Underhanded Dealings award, and the Worst Escaped Monster award. Losing one award isn’t that bad.

It’s been a little while since we’ve heard about the Cult of Ohh Ahh. Many of you probably assumed that they died out after their robotic prophet fell apart. Well, they are still alive and well, and some worry that they are forming a powerful coalition inside of Kakos Industries. Our goals and their goals do not necessarily run counter to one another, so the relationship is mostly symbiotic. It does give us some worry, but we’re waiting to see what happens before we authorize a full purge. Just recently, they have been authorized to construct a statue of their prophet, the semi-sentient sex toy robot Bazzizzazizz-Ah. We don’t often let people construct religious monuments on our grounds, but we made an exception because the robotic sex toy really did exist, and it really did try to cure the world of its sexual hangups, and that is at least partly Evil. So this monument honors the memory of the robot, not necessarily the movement that it inspired. What is perhaps a little concerning is that many employees and visitors to Kakos Industries that pass by the statue that has been erected in the statue garden find themselves experiencing unprompted sexual climaxes when they look at the kind of generic shape of Bazzizzazizz-Ah, which qualifies as some sort of religious experience. We are looking into the cause of this experience. So far, we have been unable to find anything inside the statue that might cause these reactions. It appears to be solid marble. Research will continue. You know, I don’t feel a damn thing when I look at it. I’ve even changed up my route into my office so that I have to walk by it. I usually find someone writhing in the grass nearby. But not me. Nothing. Experimentation will continue.

Shareholders, you might be wondering why I haven’t talked about Brosephus in a while. For those of you who have forgotten, Brosephus is a friend of mine. His job title here at Kakos Industries is actually Executive Friender. You see, my support staff here at Kakos Industries refuses to let my private life stay private, and they insist on meddling in every little thing. Well, anyway, Brospehus has been on an extended sabbatical. It had something to do with “getting some things out of his head, and taking some time to chill.” Well, he came back today and wanted to schedule a “hang sesh” for later this week. I took him up on the offer. Then we got to talking about some of the things we did together. He reminded me that a year ago, he, Soundman Steven, and myself took down Helga, Grace Rule’s inadequate replacement. We locked her up in a dungeon so that I could freely break rules. Of course this led to Grace’s return, which was an exciting time. Then Brosephus asked me how Helga was doing. He’s so kind, always thinking of others like that. I admitted that I hadn’t actually thought about her since Grace returned. We checked, and no one had thought about her since Grace returned. Well, we let her out of the dungeon finally. It looks like no one had checked on her in a year. In better news, the Division of Unhealthy Beauty Fads thinks she looks amazing. I feel a little bad, being that, in a certain light, this could be viewed as completely and totally my fault. But I will say that it is in fact her fault for being such a shit replacement for Grace. We’re paying for her medical expenses. Don’t get me wrong, she might come out of all of this a seriously transformed being after all the experimentation I am powerless to prevent the doctors from doing. But we’re paying for it.

I have great news regarding the announcements I made last time about the lobbying we’re doing to help people rent themselves as machinery to businesses. While the lobbying is still taking its time, we’re making progress on another front. The Division of Labor, the division in charge of Hell, has developed a new medication that removes unwanted thoughts from human minds, and instead replaces them with better math skills. It’s one step further in the process of turning unwanted people into highly desired machines.

I visited Jasmine Aashna in the Division of Erotic Experiences to check up on her work on the pill that increases human sexual drive. She showed me a few failed experiments. Failure is an important part of the process here at Kakos Industries. We only punish failures that are catastrophic and should have been avoided. One failure made many of the subjects so horny that they actually died before they could get anything sexy done. One made a group of test subjects only sexually attracted to themselves. This isn’t a bad result necessarily, but it isn’t the desired one. Another failure involved leaving people in a room with each other and a bunch of sex toys and nothing else for days. That only kind of worked. She took me into the final lab space, the one that was most promising. As I entered the room, I swear I saw Dr. Dunkelwissen, one of our scientists that freely roams the building doing pretty much whatever he wants. It’s rare to see him outside of his lab, so I must have been mistaken. Jasmine showed me the test subjects, who were both having more sex, and better sex. She didn’t want to tell me too many of the details just yet, which is her prerogative, but I could have sworn that the test subjects were all beginning to show some strangely pig-like, or maybe rabbit-like features. I must just be imagining things. There were some pigs and rabbits and even some apes in the lab, so they must have primed my subconscious to think those things. I am looking forward to her results.

It’s been a little while since we’ve done an employee spotlight, shareholders. That fact isn’t necessarily because our employees haven’t done anything noteworthy, but instead because we forgot that this was a thing that we do. I recently gave Dev Williams a commendation for work that he did on our spy drone technology. Now, not only do they spy on people, but they also leer, making anyone they spy on extremely uncomfortable. Once in awhile, the spy drones will say something rude while spying. This is tremendous Evil, and I wanted to tell Dev myself. Then he looked at me and said, “maybe I’ll get into the employee spotlight?” I stood there for a minute wondering how I forgot about that segment. Then I told him he would be the perfect candidate. Shareholders, join me in honoring Dev Williams.

I have news from Hell. Meredith Gorgoro has put a stop to the Helots moving stones for a time. The memo I received says, “Moving physical boulders is only half the battle. Now the workers must turn inwards and move their emotional boulders.” She has been teaching the helots an aerobic form of meditation for them to fight off all of their emotional baggage. I am confused, but intrigued.

They say that Evil once painted an okay painting of the suffering of man. It’s not great at painting, but it is great at causing man to suffer. This is things we’re taking credit for now. This week, we’re taking credit for motivational posters, thinking positively, and people who are far too positive all the time. Of course, we can’t know for certain that we are responsible for those things in all cases, but they really seem like things we’d be responsible for, right? Right? If you said no, or wrong, or anything like that, then you will be positively dead soon. Be careful.

Chris Creaver has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Chris’s nemesis will be ruined. Chris has selected Fate as their nemesis. Is that the concept of fate? Is that someone’s name? What did fate do to Chris? I’m honestly wondering. Anyway, we gave the wheel of misery a good spin and we arrived at Alertness. From this day forward, the Damnation and Ruination squad will make sure that Fate, the concept or the person, will be 90% more alert at all times, which will make it tough to relax or sleep. For good measure, Chris Creaver will become 10% less alert at all times. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck. The Damnation and Ruination squad has taken to wearing animal shaped sweater onesies. I saw a dragon and a bat and a koala today. Not the most obnoxious thing they’re ever worn. I’m wondering if they are beginning to enjoy this punishment.

And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. I hope that you’ve enjoyed being update on all that we do here at Kakos Industries today. I know we were interrupted, but I hope that you won’t hold that against me. Anyway, the numbers are next. Please be careful not to do any mathematical operations to them or you may learn a terrible secret about the Universe.

1
1
1
1
27,689,000

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is looking for new hobbies. Special guest appearance in this episode by Rebecca Ryan. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, Blaise Devletian, and Courtney Campbell. Also thanks to our honored employee Katiana Greer, who designed the poster for this month’s bake sale, leading to record income for the Division of Baking and Banking. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, and Billy Davis, head of the Division of Splashing. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has begun working on the new employee dormitory. It should be around 18 stories tall when it’s done. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has taken a blurry photo of the Devil Protist, the most malignant of all protists. It hasn’t convinced everyone yet, but a number of people are certain that it now exists. The Division of Splashing has started throwing large boulders into the unfriendly lake as a part of a serious study into the ways large rocks impact water. They claim it will help them to perfect the belly flop. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast have you considered taking up cup stacking?

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